Does Verbal Consent "Ruin the Mood"?

This video is a defence of verbal consent!! We’re going to debunk the myth that verbal consent ruins the mood, and talk about how having these conversations about consent and safer sex can actually lead to BETTER sex. Share your favourite examples of consent in media with us in the comments!
BISH How to Have Consensual Sex resources: bishtraining.com/consensual-s...
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CHAPTERS
00:00 - Intro
01:17 - Why do people think that verbal consent ruins the mood?
03:27 - Consent in mainstream media
06:43 - Talking about consent and safer sex can be sexy
08:21 - What’s the hottest way that someone has asked to do something sexual with you?
11:40 - Tips for talking about consent and safer sex
13:32 - Excellent media examples of explicit consent
16:05 - Wrap-up
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[@danielleamberconnell]

As someone who has been assaulted, if someone said “can I kiss you?” or, “should I stop?”, I feel I’d go weak at the knees. It not only shows they care about your boundaries but also shows emotional intelligence and I find that super attractive

[@Nazobypass]

Sounds like you have a lot more intelligence then that hot take at the beginning of the video. Sorry about you being assaulted. Hope you are doing better now

[@t221000]

I will definitely keep that in mind ❤️ 😊

[@carly6107]

As someone who has experienced sexual assault, I really appreciate this video. I think people who feel like verbal consent kills the mood are actually feeling the “mood killed” by insecurity and fear of rejection. Of course being afraid of rejection and insecure doesn’t feel sexy. But vulnerability is a requirement for sex-if you skirt around the edges and pretend you definitely won’t get rejected, you may be assaulting someone. If you are not confident enough in yourself to get rejected, you should not be engaging in partnered sex.

[@shizzybroon6496]

That's such a good point about vulnerability being a necessity, I've never thought about that before.

[@hannahwitton]

Yes and being comfortable with rejection and getting rejected happens to everyone and it’s a practice! The more rejection you face, the more you realise it’s really not the end of the world and as much as it hurts in the moment it was worth putting yourself out there for.

[@elspethfougere9683]

Totally totally agree! Thank you so much for saying this

[@emilyjames3110]

@Hannah Witton good advice for future

[@ForTheLoveOfMusicals]

This was one of the many things I loved about heartstopper! They definately don’t ask permission to kiss every time, but they do when they aren’t sure the other wants it (their first kiss, when in public)

[@hannahwitton]

Yesss so important to acknowledge how context can change someone’s yes/no

[@anita4609]

I think that asking for consent can possibly ruin the mood if the answer is 'no', but in that case it's probably even more important to establish where the other one stands and avoid doing something they don't want

[@NotPMHarper]

A simple "May I?" is so easy, can flow with the action, and leaves room for different forms of enthusiastic consent from the other person. I think it's strange that some people think that someone expressing their explicit attraction to you would be a mood killer.

[@alexia3552]

two excellent points

[@robertcoffin166]

I think it is a social skill that needs to be worked on. Getting consent only kills the mood when it is done awkwardly or in an inappropriate manner. It's no different then talking someone up at the bar or other social event. I find it easiest to start off as vanilla as possible and go to the extremes as you learn more about each others wants and desires. This way you don't have to worry about being embarrassed if your kink isn't acceptable to your partner at that moment in the relationship.

[@tormuse2916]

As an autistic person, I really appreciate videos like this. The way my brain is wired, I tend to take things at face value, so having expectations spelled out clearly is quite valuable to me. It's unfortunate that our society tends to have hang-ups about discussing sex ahead of time, because for me, knowing what to expect takes away any potential worry or guilt and lets me fully relax and enjoy it.

[@toopunkrockforshul7933]

Heartstopper! There isn't sex in it cause the characters are in high school, but I thought that did a really great job of having continuous verbal check ins around kissing, and it made me very happy.

[@hannahwitton]

Yesss I just watched it and agree!!

[@twiapoc]

Oh man, I ate that series up on the weekend. It was so good. Totally gave me all those first relationship butterflies. I also think they did an excellent job of generating tension and drama, without the two main characters having the kind of drama that comes from no one being capable of communicating with each other

[@toopunkrockforshul7933]

@@twiapoc I watched it all in one day, and it definitely gave me full first high school relationship catharsis

[@EmoNightDragon]

I recommend reading Heartstopper too! At this point in time (the updated webtoon edition), they are exploring some awakened feelings for each other and gradually progressing their relationship. In the mix is feelings around body image and consent portrayed as well.

[@EmoNightDragon]

(In an elegant, real and respectful way. Seeing as the characters are still quite young).

[@mizzmatrix]

I've been with my wife for 10 years now, and I still ask her if I can kiss her, unless we both go in for it. She's shy in public, so I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. This is definitely not ruining the mood, it's quite the oppside. It's about respect for your partner.

[@Buggaton]

I remember a relationship a decade ago. There were nothing but green lights and I was definitely being the reserved one yet she was patiently waiting for me to make the first move. The following small exchange turned out to be a highly romantic moment for the pair of us: "Can I kiss you?" "Why would you even need to ask?" "Formalities?"

[@amerynpeters429]

Ahhhh that is so cute!!!

[@oda_margrethe]

Love this!

[@crystalsheep1434]

:)

[@dibti0]

Sometimes a little humor is fun. Was preparing to hook up with a new person and he requested I send a photo of my latest test results. I did so with the caption "Permission to come aboard?" He appreciated the double entendre, and it was a more lighthearted way to go about the logistical side of sharing paperwork.

[@sbobo4665]

Consent is so essential to me. The amount of desire and restraint required for a partner to say “Can I do this to you?” heightens the feeling of being wanted. Also these sorts of questions open up the opportunity for begging “please” which is 👌👌👌

[@BecksaViolet]

THE FIRST KISS IN HEARTSTOPPER- i wont spoil but it was such a great example of a consensual first kiss

[@MrQuantumInc]

As someone with autism, I would sure hope so. The idea that everyone expects me to rely entirely on body language, tone of voice, and ambiguous implications to communicate interest or even consent (while expecting the man to make the first move) is kinda terrifying for me. It seems like a system designed to benefit men, men who are super confident and willing to push a woman's boundaries. The more I think about it the more it seems like our cultural ideals de-value consent. While this video highlights counter examples, she notes that most depictions in media do NOT have explicit verbal consent. There are women (at least on the internet) who say things like "If you need to ask, then the answer is no." There are also a lot of jokes from men about women who when asked say they have no preference but in reality have a specific preference or say "Nothing's wrong" when they are clearly upset. Men are angry that women expect men to read their minds. When women see this they say that men never listen so many women stropped trying. Though I suspect that women may have internalized society's romanticization of non-communication, and men internalized the idea that women are always indirect/dishonest in romance and sex. (It's probably a combination of things.)

[@Jono98806]

Don't worry. Most people with autism rely on verbal communication and there are no studies that demonstrate a correlation between autism and any kind of criminality.

[@kinga-635]

The way the guy kissed her is weird

[@thenerrdpit7441]

i had a friend with benefits a few years ago who was a game changer for me. for the first time since being sexually active (ten years) i've had relaxed, sexy conversations around needs, wants and just general well-being during sex. he initiated those so effortlessly that now i have muuch higher standards around consent and "good" sex.

[@riareanne]

This is why I think explicit, verbal consent in contemporary romance novels is so important! If authors can write a sexy scene or two and make verbal consent (and talking about condoms!) sexy with fictional people, real people can also do it

[@annabellek3856]

Sally Rooney does a good job with this in all of her books.

[@uhohspaghettios9966]

So what your saying is it can happen in real life because a person can daydream a scenario and put it in book? Makes total sense.

[@riareanne]

@@uhohspaghettios9966 more like people can see it modeled in the book and are then more likely to do it in real life, but thanks for the unnecessary pessimism 🥰

[@uhohspaghettios9966]

@@riareanne dang now I feel bad I'm sorry. I was looking at it the wrong way. I agree with a novel making an action more desirable or common. My apologies have a great day!

[@jamiestudebaker274]

My favorite example of consent in the media is in the middle of season 5 of Gilmore Girls. In episode 13, Logan asks "are you sure you want to do this" and Rory replies by kissing him. They were in a possible spontaneous hookup situation, but consent was still asked for. They were interrupted before they got very far, but two episodes later they do end up having sex and Logan asks for consent twice and makes her say it verbally. Logan gets a lot of hate for various reasons, and I agree with some of them, but I think this is the only time consent is actually discussed in the whole series, and he gets major credit for that.

[@ivorydabean1479]

I was sexually assaulted multiple times and made to believe I could not say no. I absolutely love it when my partner asks for consent and listens to me. It makes me feel safe and like I can genuinely participate and enjoy myself

[@SelinaDumbledore]

I really liked when my boyfriend asked for permission to kiss me and other stuff, especially in the beginning. It set the baseline for an open communication and a deep and trusting relationship. We're together for a long time now and we don't ask for consent for every kiss and touch anymore and I think that is totally fine. However everytime someone wants to try something new, we openly talk about it beforehand and make sure that both are on board. I cannot even express how much this has been a gamechanger for me. Sexuality used to be so shameful with ex partners, but with him it is fun and I feel liberated.

[@WhichDoctor1]

It seems like some people are soo embarrassed by the very idea of having sex that they can only break through their own cringe when they're either sufficiently drunk to deaden their inhibitions, or carried away by passion. Even the hint of something as intellectual as answering a question brings them back into their own heads enough to make them clam up again. And the prospect of actually asking and being turned down is so terrifying they would rather just lunge in and hope for the best. Honestly, while I sympathise, that's something better tackled with a therapist than by demanding people don't pose you difficult questions like "You are soo hot, I would love to kiss you right now, and more... Would you like that?"

[@fridaherbst719]

Hahaha you actually described me - I have to admit that the first time someone explicitly asked for my consent ("Do you want to have penetrative sex?") I was so taken aback that I said "No" even though I wanted to. At that time, I thought that this was just a personal mood killer. Well, until I discovered that I have a dismissive avoidant attachment style which makes me freeze up once someone is vulnerable in front of me. I got an appointment at a therapist in June, I reallyreally hope that will help me overcome this. I hate being so selfsabotaging all the time.

[@SonsOfLorgar]

@@fridaherbst719 hope it works, if not, try finding another therapist

[@fridaherbst719]

@@SonsOfLorgar thank you, I hope so, too. This therapist is provided by my university, so I don't really know how I would pay for a private one

[@LinnaAP]

The new adaptation of heartstopper is a very good example of how explicitly consent is both sweet and important!

[@MrsCrazyJanina]

I loved the show!!

[@casualcascade]

After a first date, he asked how I wanted to say goodbye (a hug, a kiss, etc) and I thought that was so sweet. Consent isn't just for sex :)

[@oda_margrethe]

Yes! Absolutely agree :D

[@rosemarybruce6290]

I feel like part of the problem is that the mainstream audience and media interprets this concept as "all couples MUST ask for verbal concent every single time they have sex no exceptions." Which just isn't true. They also forget/ignore/don't realise that this concept is very easily translated into dirty talk, which is explored towards the end of this video.

[@michelottens6083]

When I get in my fawny mood from the complex ptsd, I tend to just go along with whatever's happening. Even if someone would ask consent, I'd tend to just say yes to whatever. So just to illustrate an extreme example, maybe, actual consent for me is at its sexiest when extended to someone constantly checking in, reading my nonverbal cues as well, and clearly setting up and marking a kind of safe playground space with open exits and no demands or expectations.

[@rio8529]

I also have a trauma and it totally sounds like what I experience. I actually used to be angry at myself for this (saying yes to whatever).

[@eleanor243]

I very very much agree as someone coming from similar experiences. The 'open exits' is so important too - to know it's actually okay to say no. My partner and I use traffic lights to express when we either want things to slow down/to talk about things (amber) or to halt immediately (red). Having used this so much in the beginning of our relationship and getting reassurance that completely stopping sex is okay, I can now confidently say when I don't want things to carry on. The same goes for my partner too (a cis guy) - he didn't know him as a guy could say no or not want sex. It's gone both ways and makes me feel happy and super safe

[@michelottens6083]

Glad I'm not the only one : )

[@eleanor243]

@@michelottens6083 definitely not the only one 💜 I hope yourself and all of us find kind people that care about us enough to put in the work to create the safe space we need

[@alexia3552]

I really love the idea of this, I hope people get taught about how to try and tell if someone is going through dissociation or other nonverbal cues that the activity should end. "Open exits" adds a lot of comfort

[@spriddlez]

Such a lack of imagination. Personally if someone I've been flirting with leans in and whispers in my ear in a sultry/husky voice "I would really like to [explicit act] with/to you. Would you like that?" Would make me melt. It doesn't have to be like a robotic, contractual thing to be a clearly, explicit ask for consent that I think people imagine

[@emomz]

First date with my now husband, and at the end of the date he asked permission to hold my hand. I think that was the point where I really fell for him! Consent isn’t always very verbal in our relationship now. Nearly 15 years and two kids later, we know each other pretty well including what nonverbal consent looks like but we also both feel comfortable to have a dialogue about what we’re enjoying/not enjoying as we go so it’s easy to withdraw consent if we need to.

[@paulew993]

I cannot count the amount of hetero women in my life that have been kissed on first dates even though they definetely didn't feel any sparks with the person but were being kissed when the guy thought it was time. this can be avoided if you just asked

[@juliatokiohotellover]

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, but we still ask for consent. And guess what? sometimes one of us says no! Not because we don't love each other/aren't attracted to each other but because sometimes you just aren't in the mood, or you're stressed/anxious, or have a headache, or ANY number of reasons that you may not have expressed to your partner that day.

[@oda_margrethe]

Thank you for this video, this is so important! And when asking, I think it’s important to leave some room for the other person to actually give their honest answer. Let them know that it’s ok if they don’t want to, and that you’ll respect that. Sometimes a situation can feel pressured so that you say yes even if you didn’t really want to. Speaking from experience. It took years to see what happened to me and all the feelings involved for what they were.

[@kirstenrubberducky]

There is absolutely nothing hotter than someone looking at you with a burning desire and asking 'may I?'

[@Scorpio4890]

That such a lie she will probably use you for a attention making her feel good

[@DocTrower1980]

To answer your title question, I don't believe that verbal consent is a mood killer. Come to think of it, I see it as a mood establisher because you and your partner are both setting your intentions and boundaries about what you want. In my case, because I am an asexual, I have no desire to engage in any sexual activity whatsoever. So as an alternative, I prefer to cuddle. Oh, one more thing. As I was watching this, I couldn't help but hear Earth, Wind And Fire's "Love's Holiday" play in my head because of that one lyric repeating throughout: "Would you mind...?"

[@meghan.ashworth]

When I first dipped my toe into BDSM (very tame) with my boyfriend, I started with "Do you want to close your eyes?" instead of "close your eyes" because we had never discussed blindfolds/anything like that before, but I knew he was into choking and stuff like that so I figured we could try going down that lane. Proceeding with "Do you want me to touch you?" while his eyes are closed, etc. etc. It honestly made it so much hotter and more natural because it was like we were both experimenting together, even though it was obviously me who was choosing to branch out in the moment.

[@gryt.andersen8710]

I can think of a few things that ruins the mood more...like reading that article 😅

[@healingtiger557]

The only thing that really ruins the mood for me is when someone does NOT ask for consent. It is so hot to hear 'I wanna do xyz to you, are you up for it?', and it makes me feel seen and safe. Especially as a sexual abuse survivor I get triggered easily when the other just assumes that I want something, or that 'if she didn't want it she would speak up', so they don't "ruin" the moment.. Actually asking for consent makes me feel that I matter and I am seen as a person by the other, not just as an object of their desire

[@FEARLovingGirl]

Oh my god, I remember that scene from Honey I Shrunk The Kids and I've never thought about that.

[@Pikero24]

I'd love a follow up video about things like this but when the other partner doesn't want to do anything right then.

[@ZaydaFleming]

My primary love language is touch and the first time I hung out with my partner he asked for permission to put his arm around me and I gave blanket consent of "I love being touched so feel free and if you are doing something I don't want I'll let you know". But being asked first really set the tone for checking in and feeling safe in his presence. I love consent.

[@wolfwolf9721]

also the tweet at the beginning was written by Abigail Shrier who has published one of the most transphobic book i've ever set my eyes on so lmao. this woman has a lot going on for her

[@hannahwitton]

ew no

[@SonsOfLorgar]

that explains a lot...

[@Fluffykat11]

Yes! I was reading something the other day where a man was describing how he approached kissing his new partner for the first time (which included asking her, it was very sweet) and there were so many comments from men being like "for future reference/for everyone else, never ask before you kiss someone" and I was HORRIFIED. Not only that so many people thought asking for consent was uncool (??) but that they were going out of their way to discourage others

[@stephaniesmith3544]

Not to mention, if you’re really turned on and your partner is saying “do you want me to do this?” Whilst withholding that act to tease you is the sexiest way to practically beg for it. Consent is established and you’re having a lot of fun giving it lol

[@reginaphalange1990]

You are so well-spoken, it is really pleasant to listen to your videos. I love the quality, love that it is not just random rambling, but a nicely structured speech!

[@maeanden]

I honestly really do not get it. Asking for consent and me knowing any answer is fine and valid is honestly one of the most attractive things a person can do and be. 10/10, can recommend.

[@grell5108]

The best way someone asked me: (It's a bit kinky) She ordered me to tell her EXACTLY what I want her to do. Having to tell all your darkest fantasies to a partner is really hot. And for ongoing consent she'd ask, "Do you want this? Do you?" in a teasing manner. And your partner telling you what they want to do to you is also hot. So excuses about it "breaking the scene" or "ruining the role play" are stupid

[@mithinie]

I believe that in a 1 night stand or a relationship if done right asking for consent can be a real turn on and even be part of sex talk like in some of the shared examples

[@angelineturner3298]

Just got into writing "spicy" material, I always feel it's hot when one person asks the other if they can kiss them (or do other stuff), plus it a) builds anticipation b) weird if they don't. It's also fun writing flirty dialogue where the couple (or moresome) see each other's likes/ boundaries

[@o_o-lj1ym]

"tell me what you want" is a good one

[@rorrt]

At Uni I had a hookup with a girl. She did, as lots of girls do, talk to their friends about it afterwards. One of my friends was in this group. I asked her "dare I ask, what did she say?" I trust my friend enough that she wouldn't have held back any facts. The girl I slept with had a strange complaint. "he was checking in on me all the time". I said, every few minutes minutes or after a position change "are you okay?" "is this okay?" that sort of thing.. Not in a neurotic way. But she perceived this as my inexperience, which is true. But thinking about this now, being more experienced now. I'd probably check in even more!

[@Vivi-ux4wg]

I enjoy your always thought through, nuanced and educated approach. You are really good at getting your point across. I have to agree with you that verbal consent ist not only important, but can also make the experience way better, because you talk about the stuff you like and don't like. Off topic, I love your haircut. It really suits you.

[@wolfferoni]

As someone who struggles with anxiety and speaking up, being asked for consent and talking about things beforehand is necessary for me to feel comfortable. I never thought much about consent with partners until one asked me if I wanted to hold hands while walking together on our first date. I thought it was super cute.

[@alicewren3505]

As someone who loves romance novels, I have read so many "intimate" scenes where the people involved make asking for consent super sexy and apart of the whole experience. This whole idea that it is somehow a turn of is crazy to me!!

[@febberz]

We can also instil it in our children - it should obviously never be sexual when you touch them but still ask them if they want a hug etc!

[@gaiagreco2954]

Tbh I was with a friend one and he confessed me he liked me and I was quite into it as well, but then he kissed me without asking and that immediately turned me off.

[@SonsOfLorgar]

yeah, it's not a mystery how presumptions becomes a mood killer and deal breaker.

[@joeastham0]

Talia Hibbert is one of my favorite authors right now. The Brown Sisters books are everything for so many reasons

[@sharg0]

Clear consent is a must for me - without it I don't get turned on nor can I imagine being intimate with someone that doesn't want me (acceptance is not enough). PS Hannah! Your hair makes you look absolutely stunning!

[@JulietteVeronica1201]

Something I like doing to my girlfriend is saying, "I won't touch you unless you tell me to." I like being the dom and it keeps us in the mood and it gives her a chance to verbally say if she wants it or not.

[@NikitaInArcady]

This was such a good video, loved all the examples!!

[@LizzyHertlein]

First thing that popped into my head was a scene from The Office. Michael and Holly have a romantic exchange on a rooftop and, with so much emotion, asks "can I kiss you?" With tears in her eyes, Holly nods her head yes and they have a romantic kiss. Just an example of how consent can be romantic and emotional.

[@pepsimax8078]

Grear video. Consent is so important!

[@noah-jones]

4:22 a similar scene happened in 'hacksaw ridge' - Desmond (the main character) kisses a girl and she straight up slaps him, and then says 'youre meant to ask'

[@mattwood1562]

He does go on to marry her tbf

[@Felix-qq6sx]

Thanks to everyone who answered her Instagram question. It was not just very educational, but also an amazing pleasure to listen to your answers :D You are amazing!

[@rickyknives9550]

Even outside of sexy times, if someone I love asked if they could kiss me I'd melt. That is one of the hottest things ever, what is the first person even on about??

[@SonsOfLorgar]

apparently, the person in question is a socially regressive terf...

[@danieljones8559]

Love that the short hair is back, it really suits you

[@caitlin329]

It has a kind of 20s vibe

[@emilytamar]

i love hearing 'is this okay?' and 'may i?' / also that scene of simon and daphne's first time in bridgerton where he asks TWICE 'do you want me to stop?' yesssss

[@paultravis3249]

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to talk about consent.

[@damianandersonjr2729]

Really enjoyed this

[@SuperFly-fs2ni]

Your hair is so cute. I liked it before too, one of my favorites is when you wore the two braids. I hate when someone tells you your new hair style is just soooo cute and you get a ton of compliments telling you it looks better. This happened to me once and by a ton I mean my aunts and cousins, so around 10. Then all I could think is I really must of looked like crap before. I had long hair and would blow dry it straight or put it in a pony tail. I recently tried to go close to my dark hair color, which it has never been before because I have been highlighting it since I was 28 to make it look like I was still in a pool all the time and it was still being lightened by the sun. I was also born with very, very, very light brown hair that has been darkening as I age. So for the first time ever I went dark and my friend said don't worry you can highlight it immediately after seeing it for the first time. I've had very mixed reactions with the color change some really like it and some just ignore it. Some of the reactions to darkening it have been this color is so much better for you and then other ones have been you can get it highlighted. Sorry that this is not about the topic. I just wanted to say cute new hair style and make sure you understand your hair has always looked good. My cousin had super long hair and her baby would end up with it wrapped around her tiny little fingers. I guess one time the found it after her finger had turned blue. I don't know about you, but I don't know who sheds more me or the dog.

[@deovolente5867]

If consent is not sexy for you, you're not a sexy person.

[@deborahalice]

These people that think it's not sexy haven't watched k-dramas. The female gaze is so often on point in these shows. You wanna hold my hand? You wanna brush my hair from my face? You ask to kiss me? HOT. Respect is sexy. Also your hair is so cute this short! Absolutly suits you.

[@Chinookdog]

My former partner and I always asked things like "can I kiss you?" "Can I do this?" And it was always super hot for both of us to know the other person wanted us!!! Also my answer to certain things would almost always be "no" and it was completely chill and not a big deal. Rejection sucks but if you have that communication and intimacy and vulnerability with each other, it doesn't even feel like rejection. It's like saying "do you want a strawberry?" "Nah thanks"

[@urigatt6815]

Just watched the video with my girlfriend. Great stuff!! Thanks!

[@achjulchen3541]

Loved the sound you made after reading the quote at the beginning 😅👍🏼❤️

[@fishbananas]

Super nerdy example, but the first kiss between Fjord and Jester in Critical Role, Campaign 2 BLEW MY ENTIRE MIND and melted my heart. It was very slow burn, will-they-won't-they for extra anticipation. It's an improvised show, the people playing the two characters are married in real life, and the character's affection/attraction to one another had seemed very apparent for most of their screen time together, so there were a handful of conventional reasons why it wouldn't have necessarily been assumed that explicit consent "needed" to be asked for in that scene. But BOY HOWDY, a simple "Can I kiss you?" in a very quiet and intimate moment melted the cast, the audience, the entire fandom. Strongly recommend finding that scene if you're seeking media examples.

[@zoecallan3295]

Explicit verbal consent is something that I always thought of as being super sexy or hot, and additional verbal check ins are chef’s kiss, especially after my assault, but they were still integral to me before too. One of my favorite things about my previous partners is that they always asked me before initiating anything new, even just holding hands they asked me for permission first in the beginning (and then checked in sporadically once we got more comfortable with each other). The first time my most recent partner kissed me he didn’t ask first and it was incredibly jarring. I really liked this person but I was so unprepared and caught off guard that it totally killed the mood, and left me very confused, because I knew I liked him but I wasn’t sure I liked the last interaction

[@pinkmamavee]

I completely agree with this and thank you for doing this video!

[@SkritchB]

it’s all about exploring each other and having a good time together while making sure nobody gets hurt in the process, so if you ever get unsure that you will hurt the person (mentally or physical) unless you ask thats a great time to ask for consent IMO

[@567secret]

It feels really bizarre to me that this is even a question, my relationship to sex is very very different from standard "hook ups" and stuff in allo culture.

[@billelkactuz1303]

Thank you for this. Best video ever.

[@julieA4751]

This is a great video, thanks!!

[@augusthickerson7761]

I read a book (We Set The Dark on Fire by Kay Mejia) and two characters were kissing, just kissing, and they both kept pausing and asking "is this ok?" and continually checking in. same with the sex scene in the second book which I thought made the scene so much sweeter and human. I think it just seemed more real and I love both the characters so it was awesome

[@thewildside1541]

That tweet is totally wrong. Before my very first ever kiss, I sat on his lap and he asked me if he could kiss me and it just completely put me at ease and it was also nice because it was just confirmation that he wanted to kiss me sooo 💅🏽

[@boxedowl]

Does it ru-... What? NO! NOT EVER! The hottest word you will ever hear is "YES!" It NEVER kills the mood!

[@KatPadmore]

I read "Tomorrow Sex WIll Be Good Again" on your recommendation and it's really fascinating discussing consent with the added context of affirmative consent being a somewhat complex and outdated model taking on far too much responsibility to keep people safe in a sex-repulsed culture. Consent is 100% necessary and can be super sexy in itself, but it's not the whole story! Thankyou for keeping me learning and growing for almost a decade now Hannah :)

[@zoecallan3295]

Also in terms of movies that show good consent I think a good example is in the movie Mr. Right, where the two leads spend the whole day together (they briefly talk about sex in that) then when they go back to the female lead’s apartment she tells the male lead that she’s pretty messed up about her recent break up and doesn’t want to have sex with the male lead that night but she still wants him to stay and he literally jumps on the bed for joy that he gets to hang out with her

[@TommyAck102]

Overall I feel that using verbal consent is just classy, which is always nice. :)

[@Lucy-ve6lb]

Such a good video Hannah! I love being asked for consent before a first kiss or sex, it's sweet, respectful and hot when it's not done awkwardly. P.S. I LOVE the new haircut

[@caileanm2009]

wow thats Ailson Mack, Thats a blast from the past

[@mfg2324]

I'm so excited to watch the video! But I wanna think about it beforehand... I do think consent it's very sexy! Because when I feel like I can say something and communicate freely when having sex, I feel safe and that makes the experience 100% better! And it makes me feel so much more worshipped and respected when I know that the other person wants to make me feel good (eg. by asking "may I?" ). And I love it when the other person tells me that it feels good what I do ("more!" "yes"). It doesn't have to be much but one or two whispered words every once in a while are great! I also love nonverbal consent (body language, breathing and sounds, actions - they guide me through) but it depends on the situation. When I don't know for sure they are okay with what I wanna do (its new, its unexpected,...) I prefer verbal consent :) My opinion, now the video!

[@keke.the.maggot]

I just wanna say I love your hair and your earrings! 😁

[@awsinger1]

i love your hair 💜

[@GordonClare]

yay Hannah thanks for the video

[@younscrafter7372]

I can't speak from personal experience, only writing experience but my favorite way to handle consent is for character A to give consent themselves such that B can give theirs by physically initiating whatever it is A's trying to do. Of course this only works if it's a thing where both partners are able to initiate, so some things don't work with this system. Edit: I feel like this might make it easier for some people to not give consent if they are unable to say no.

[@AliaslsailA]

I'm really on the fence about this topic. I agree that the ability to communicate clearly is vital not just for a healthy relationship but for every human interaction. Talking about sex, asking for consent etc. is not something that has to ruin the mood and as the video clarified can actually be really attractive. I do think that there is non verbal communication though. Some of the most wonderful, romantic moments I had were magical because both parties just knew they felt the same way about the other person in that moment without any words being said. Like this dense, tingly atmosphere that is as close to magic as it gets. I think someone who is truly empathetic can pick up on nonverbal signs. A base of trust would be needed for that though I guess, with someone I don't know that well I would probably always prefer verbal communication. I just have some really wonderful memories of moments that were intensly beautiful that I specifically remember for the 'quietness'.

[@LemonSte]

the two aren't mutually exclusive! what you're talking about is enthusiastic consent, which can be physically and/or verbally expressed. I think the emphasis on verbalising is more about letting people feel free to speak up when they don't want to do something, or are even indifferent/less in the mood than usual and maybe need some romancin'. There's something horrible about the idea of someone just going along with sex and being carried along by it, feeling no ability to assert themselves, but neither party feeling like an outright consent violation has occurred. Not everyone is great with body language and I think it's essential to instil the importance of good communication, even if you don't always need it.

[@AliaslsailA]

@@LemonSte oh yes, I agree with that :) people should feel encouraged to do so!

[@DavidLindes]

Thanks for spreading this message, Hannah! It's an important one, that I wish was more normalized.

[@edithdormandy2580]

This is great! I wonder if a good follow up video might be 'how to cope when someone says no to something'. Sorry if you've already done this!

[@laurenschenck5355]

YAY!! SO EXCITED! 💓💜✨✨✨💓✨✨💓💓✨✨💓💓✨✨💓💓✨

[@dellylizzie]

If the person I was romantically interested in asked if they could kiss me I’d be bloody ecstatic!

[@Carolieno]

I remember the first time I noticed verbal consent was actually Clay from 13 reasons why asking Hannah 'is this okay'. And it's seen troughout the series where he hooks up with 2 or 3 other girls he always says 'is this okay' and I just love that.

[@littleboylost1o1]

Great video

[@winterburden]

Verbal consent is an enormous turn on!

[@bimaloxley]

Love this! Heartstopper also had kissing consent scenes too :)