Happily Divorced vs. Unhappily Married - Which is Better for Kids?

[@jrpurdon]

My parents stayed together in a miserable marriage "for the kids" and were negligent in rearing us because if they weren't taking care of their own needs, how were they meant to take care of ours? They separated and divorced after I moved out of the house shortly before my 18th birthday. It was clear to me and my sisters that my parents couldn't stand one another, and I grew up without a model for what a healthy relationship should look like. So when you ask me if it's better for kids to have two happily divorced parents than miserably married ones oddly I don't come to the same conclusion as you.

[@lexatreks]

RETWEET

[@kristopherhayes486]

First of all I want to say is thank you for your honesty. What you have said is tragic and should not have happened. Secondly I don't know you personally so I can't say what would've worked better for you nor can I give professional advice; take my words for what they are. However, it sounds to me that most of what your saying... is anecdotal. It isn't backed up by any statistics unfortunately. Secondly, it sounds to me that even before they divorced your parents weren't taking care of you or your siblings and focused more on themselves or their own infighting, which contradicts their statements about "taking care of the kids." Thirdly, your family sounds like they're still suffered the effects of your parents bad decisions since you don't have "a model for what a healthy relationships should look like."

[@ismaelmoe7407]

I understand what you’re saying your case is one specific not a fact. Plus how are you so sure you’d been better with divorced parents since they stayed together ?? Trust me I know first hand no pain matches that of divorced parents be grateful for their sacrifice 🙏🏾

[@laurenw.3656]

@@ismaelmoe7407 wow so invalidating of their experience. I can speak on the pain of having divorced parents- but if my parents were miserable, fighting all the time, etc. then I may have felt differently. The thing is there is no right or wrong situation, and while the kids feelings and wellbeing are important, so are the parents. Divorce is hard on everyone, but people are able to successfully coparent and make the best of the situation, and happy parents will more likely result in happy children. Staying in a situation where you're miserable is just shit advice, and kids will pick up on that and will see that. They will never have a good role model of what a relationship should look like. BuT aT lEaSt ThEy'Re NoT dIvOrCeD

[@ismaelmoe7407]

@@laurenw.3656 absolutely right there’s no wining situation in both cases but psychologists has proven more devastating aftermath after divorce than with unhappily married. Most people can’t even coparent properly and the challenges become even greater after divorce. Children lose in both cases but that of divorce is the worst statistically speaking (even though some marriage have been okay after divorce special when involving abuse, most cases got worst for the children, leading to more abuse by step fathers/mothers leading to more psychological damages

[@mcelite14]

Actually an unhappy marriage can be severely damaged and give children the wrong example of what real love is. Divorce isn't a great thing but staying in a constantly abusive relationship whether physical, mental, or emotional will wreck you. It's better for the divorce to happen and for the parents to marry the right person giving the children the example they need to see what real love looks like.

[@Konrad-ez8ti]

"marry the right person" their parent is the right person for the other parent. "what real love looks like" - real love is staying together until the end. you understood nothing from the video.

[@Jojo-vo4cu]

​@@Konrad-ez8ti you're ignorant😂

[@somprad4362]

Agree... There are advantages and disadvantages I guess... One has the carefully weigh the situation and make a call

[@micahfelber]

Are you a Christian? If so, what Bible verses would you use to support your thoughts?

[@mcelite14]

@@micahfelber I am and it is in scripture a husband is to love his wife like Christ loves the church... if he breaks that covenant than she can end it... abuse is a legitimate reason for divorce just like abandonment

[@Cowface]

My dad stayed in an unhappy marriage “for us kids” he became sullen, angry, emotionally abusive, alcoholic. I’ve often said that I wished he’d gotten a divorce.

[@Konrad-ez8ti]

then you'd had an alcoholic dad outside of marriage. no problems fixed.

[@germanshepherd6638]

Even if he got a divorce, he’d still be an alcoholic

[@TheCommonSensible]

You act as if that would have changed? It normally does not. 80% of adults who stay in a "unhappy marriage" end up happier 5 years later. Those who divorce end up less happy, or unchanged.

[@Cowface]

@@TheCommonSensible well personally I should never have married the person I married. I thought I could change her, and once I realized I couldn’t and that in fact it’s kinda toxic to try, I couldn’t love her for who she was right now. I simply was not in love with her. So for me, leaving was the right thing to do. It’s been a year and a half and every day I’m grateful I left.

[@TheCommonSensible]

Love is a choice. Also very dependent on what she did or did not. 1st Corinthians 7 states you don't know if you will save her or her save you. It is only known through longsuffering and endurance. Just as studies and others things state you end up happier almost all the time. However, due to the rise of radical individualism everyone is extremely selfish and thinks their situation is the unique one constantly. Idk what happened, or anything of that, but I can make a good estimate that if kids were involved, they suffered more than you ever did by the divorce, and will have severe issues in future relationships, trust issues, and so on.@@Cowface

[@laurenw.3656]

This is one perspective, but definitely not the only or right one. I honestly think videos like this are useless.

[@marlowstanfield6815]

@@laurenw.3656 How are actual statistics a perspective? Statistics are facts, men lie women lie but numbers don't...

[@laurenw.3656]

@marlowstanfield6815 "statistics" like this don't take nuance into calculation. There's no way to know if they would have been worse off if their parents stayed together. There's too many factors that go into it to determine, 'this is the one and only right way.' Statistics can be manipulated. There's no true scientific evidence to support one or the other. The real things that should be taken into account are more complicated, this is just too simplified. If a dad is abusing a mom right in front of the children, there's no way in hell you can tell me it'd be better for the parents to stay together.

[@marlowstanfield6815]

@@laurenw.3656 True every situation is different but the numbers are facts, just like over 70% of prison inmates grew up with parents that were separated. Its best for a child to have both parents full time, that's just a fact. Now if a father is abusive that's different, some children are born to 2 abusive parents, then they are better off in a foster home. The numbers are general, not based on your specific situation..

[@Awsorne]

My parents got separated early and it is way better. I definetly got over it. This video definetly ignores how parents fighting and an unhappy home affects a kid, which I do think is worse than separation.

[@airguns-shooter]

I'm sorry but i have a question how do you feel about your parents

[@Awsorne]

@@airguns-shooter I love them both dearly. They have their weaknesses, but who doesn't find their parents annoying some times.

[@thecultarchives3440]

Nonsense it did not ignore that point at all, it was addressed, watch & listen more carefully...So if for you it's so called better does that mean it's the rule?!! smh

[@Awsorne]

@@thecultarchives3440 No not really. The first two points only say that a child in a happy marriage is better of than a child of divorce because divorce sucks. This is true, but that doesn't prove unhappy marriages are better for kids thank divorce. The third argument is that marriages that stick threw tough times become happy again. The last argument doesn't say much. If you manage to stay together for 5 more years of marriage, something had to have gotten better otherwise you wouldn't have managed those 5 years. You shouldn't divorce on a whim, but these facts are represented very one sided.

[@robrasor8345]

I would love to see a study on the results of unhappy marriages that struggled through and didn’t improve. Wouldn’t it be useful to know that as well as the average number of years it takes a marriage struggling to actually improve to make it past their obstacles?

[@lalaland962]

Most children absolutely hate having their parents live separately. My husband and I have been married - not always happily - for nearly 40 years, but it has gotten so much better as we aged and matured. I'm glad we didn't end it.

[@tekubayar1937]

Aging and maturing is true. I wished my parents to divorce when i was a teenager. It was too toxic enviroment to me. But they didn't get divorce and stopped fighting since they are in their 60s now. Probably matured and tired of dramas now. But i am kind of scared of marriage now.

[@warriorqueen8285]

@@tekubayar1937 it didn't change til their 60s?! Yeah I'm definitely getting divorced

[@Sellossh]

Can ask you? How old R u? My parents are always fighting and they are getting divorced this weeek so maybe ı can tell them that when they become like ur ages they wouldnt fight

[@lalaland962]

@@Sellossh I'm 63, and my husband would have been 62 years old yesterday, but he died in December. We were together for 43 years, married for 40. If your parents could feel the emptiness I feel being without my husband, maybe they wouldn't fight so much. There's not much in a marriage, really, that's worth fighting about, and plenty to fight for. I wish your family the best.

[@Sellossh]

@@lalaland962 thank u very much ı’ll try to tell them. I know both of them and if they divorce both will be sad but they dont listen me so is kinda too late ıdk what elde to do all the document stuff are ready. :((

[@martywalker4927]

My mother's parents divorced when she was 13. They were probably miserable for several years before that, but she remembered her childhood as a happy one. What she suffered from was the divorce. She lived to be 90, and NEVER got over it.

[@Konrad-ez8ti]

we NEVER do and if we do, that's a lie.

[@annalisasauter7935]

There are scenarios where a divorce absolutely needs to happen. However, as a daughter of a divorced couple, having parents living separately could have long-term ramifications on children, so if that is to happen, it had better be for a valid reason, such as abuse and/or infidelity, not reasons like "This relationship isn't fulfilling." Seeking self-fulfillment in a relationship is selfish in and of itself, but having children together, then deciding to divorce based on the lack of it is cruel.

[@penny4thought168]

I also think the latter is cruel. I was an accident child. The only reason my parents married was because I was born out of wed lock and they felt they had to. There was never any love in that house between my parents. My parents had separate rooms, and never showed any affection towards one another. An older therapist of mine made a good comparison. They were like roommates. Not lovers, not even friends, just roommates. All throughout my childhood I would listen to one talk bad about the other. They would vent their problems to me, a child who barely understood the concept of love or marriage. I remember two instances where there were huge screaming matches that left me terrified. Both divorce and staying together are horrible, but I don't think one should be painted as worse than the other. It's a terrible situation to be in, and both can cause serious problems for the child later in life.

[@laurenw.3656]

There's more reasons than that to get divorced. That kind of mindset is archaic and religious in origin, and definitely harmful to everyone involved.

[@andreamd7094]

This is the dumbest video ever. False information.

[@justinmbird]

100% true in my case. Children’s mother is now finalizing her 4th divorce. I have been the parent to offer a semblance of stability just by remaining single, and that is still a pitiful substitute for what my children actually needed.

[@kathryndresen1346]

God bless you for doing the right thing.

[@RocKnight11]

Why didn't you try and make it work with your wife?

[@justinmbird]

@@RocKnight11 I did everything I knew to do. I did not file

[@RocKnight11]

@@justinmbird But how does "remaining single" actually help your children when your ex-wife has clearly moved on? If you remarried, you might have introduced a positiveFemale presence into your children's lives.

[@blove142]

Love ya man! I went through the same thing, trust me, just staying visible to the children as an example of stability makes a difference, they need something to compare the other parent to, or it is accepted by the children as just normal. Anyway, stay the course and know that it MATTERS. My daughter had a front row seat to my ex wifes, chaos, alcoholism, and temper, but because i stayed in her life, and i also stayed single, she rejected that model and is now a proud mother of 3, doesnt drink, lives on a farm in a quiet little town with her ONE husband. peace.

[@gial8862]

Almost got separated once, and my children were really upset. Cant imagine how messed up they would be had we not worked it out.

[@lalaland962]

My husband and I are hitting 40 years married in December, together nearly 43, but it's been very rocky at times. My kids about lost their minds whenever a split was mentioned.

[@laurenw.3656]

My parents got divorced when I was a kid. It was hard then, but I'm fine now. Seeing my parents fight all the time and be miserable would have definitely made a traumatic, long term effect on my brother and I.

[@sammar77]

@@laurenw.3656 How often did your parents argued/ fight infront of you if you don't mind me asking you ? Do you think they could have worked it it out or you think the divorce was a good decision?

[@laurenw.3656]

@@sammar77 they tried really hard not to argue in front of us, I only ever saw them fight probably once? I think they maybr could have made it work, but at the same time, they're both remarried now and are happy, so I think it was the right decision. My dad has told me though, if he could go back and redo it, he wouldn't have asked for a divorce. So I dunno lol

[@stephanienicole9991]

How about children raised in a high conflict household? Should you stay together for the kids then? Mom and Dad and are yelling and screaming at one another at 6:30 in the morning. Then they put the kids on the bus for school. Great way for kids to start their day. Or how about Dad gets mad at mom and shoves a plate of food in her face. Stay together for the kids then?

[@paulacate448]

Speaking truth is hard, but so worth it when people’s lives are at stake.

[@boutiquebitcoin809]

Is it possible to leave my son with his Father? I'm the mother and found my opinion is highly rare and unpopular.

[@jonelleprideaux3286]

I appreciate the perspective. However, I do wish there had been more practical information about this or links to other resources that discuss practical solutions in addition to this. As it stands, the talking points aren't that helpful except to advance an argument, which wouldnt really do much to salvage a marriage.

[@Hannibu]

You won't find links because all is made up. Kids are no idiots. They know exactly if a relation is good or bad even "the happy couple" is faked.

[@tekubayar1937]

Divorce if your partner is abusive! It is not safe for kids. There were many cases that boys killed their father to protect their mother and sent to prison! Staying with abusive partner is damaging to your childs safety and future. Some women stick with their violent partner because they think they can't earn money or some shit.

[@energymybestisyettocome323]

I’m a child of a separate parents legally not divorced. I never saw my dad . My mom became an alcoholic but worked her butt off, my brother oldest is a drug addicts abandoned his own children my other brother Lord bless his marriage. Me at 33, I stick it out for my children for fear of drugs and education and being a single mom like my mom was . 😢❤ I’m 15 years in let keep going then ❤

[@onepercentbetterlife6282]

For those of you in the comments who's saying she's wrong remember there's a difference between being unhappy married and being a s***** parent I see a lot of people making excuses for their parents who are unhappily married and treating their kids like s*** That's not an excuse

[@thecultarchives3440]

missing the point totally

[@iuk4280]

I had a friend whose dad will drink and go physical with the mom. Their first son had to fight the dad once. But today, the bond and togetherness surprises me. My friend is in his mid 20s.

[@Sellossh]

Great video but the problem is they dont listen me it should be the parents who watchs this video but no ı am the one who watchs because they dont care me so ı care myself. I know that if they persevere the marriage will be better and if they divorce both will be sad. They need to stick together. But they dont listen me so idk what to do😥

[@evelynpalmervlogs5158]

Im sorry you are going through this. It’s important to be heard… Ask if you can see a counsellor or psychologist because their situation is obviously affecting you. Maybe then they will realize how much it’s affecting you

[@Andreamom001]

Divorce is awful. It’s so harmful for kids.

[@thetraditionalist]

yes

[@philtheo]

Great video. Out of curiosity, what happened to the 7% who persisted but still weren't happy after a decade or 10 years? Did they get happier after 10 years, did they just keep persisting in an unhappy marriage for more than 10 years, or did they finally get divorced?

[@Konrad-ez8ti]

you've missed the point. nobody cares if parents are happy. marriage is for kids.

[@philtheo]

@@Konrad-ez8ti Nope, that wasn't the primary let alone sole point. Ironically it sounds like you missed the point! Lol. Anyone can watch the video and see the point(s) for themselves.

[@Konrad-ez8ti]

@@philtheo Katy is from Them Before Us and she always says that marriage is about kids happiness and not yours. Always good to know the author and the context.

[@philtheo]

@@Konrad-ez8ti 1. Yes, kids are an important factor in marriage, that's obvious to most people, but it's also true kids are not the only point Katy mentioned. 2. Besides, even if for the sake of argument your interpretation of what Katy said is correct (i.e. "she always says that marriage is about kids happiness and not yours"), that doesn't necessarily mean Katy is correct in her own assessment. It's not like her word or any person's word is gospel truth. We have to assess by multiple factors.

[@ardra738]

@@Konrad-ez8tithe point is, you shouldn’t have kids when you were not happy in marriage. If you were happy until having kids, then figure out why aren’t you happy now. It sound simple but it isn’t. I was not happy before kids, wasn’t happy after kids and now I’m totally screwed.

[@johno6800]

Jesus. Worst advice Iv ever had the unpleasant experience of listening to

[@Paulthored]

If it's only concerned with children... Then the Parents should make all efforts to not divorce. That doesn't mean there's no circumstances that under which would necessitate divorce. The Bible agrees with that assessment. This also doesn't mean that an Abusive relationship, is necessarily a marriage that is good for those involved. SEEK WISE COUNSEL IMMEDIATELY IF YOU SUSPECT THAT YOUR IN, OR PROPAGATING, AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP AND/OR MARRIAGE! ☝️✝️☝️👨‍🏫

[@gial8862]

I went to sleep and dreamt that life was beauty. I awoke to find my life is duty.

[@thetraditionalist]

nice quote

[@gial8862]

@@thetraditionalist , that was from memory. Here is the whole quote. Ellen Steurgis: I slept, and dreamed that life was Beauty; I woke, and found that life was Duty. Was thy dream then a shadowy lie? Toil on, poor heart, unceasingly; And thou shalt find thy dream to be A truth and noonday light to thee.

[@thetraditionalist]

@@gial8862 nice

[@Dylan11x]

Lol

[@ColleenJohnston-t3j]

My husband is verbally and physically abusive and has untreated mental illness. We have tried therapy with 7 different therapists over 23 years. I’m not going to stick around until he offs himself, like two of my friends’ husbands did last year.💔😭

[@Konrad-ez8ti]

yeah, cause other men are not abusive

[@WABoysMen]

Strong arguments Katy. Thank you! In Washington, where we both reside, parents divorcing contributes to the reality that at least twice as many boys as girls grow up without regular interaction with their same-sex parent.

[@user-hn7in5lb2i]

Lots of skewed versions of statistics on here - Must be related to all the Focus on the Family “studies” that cherry picked and misrepresented studies that show that abusive and conflicted marriages are absolutely better for the kids to leave and most of the stats around divorce and bad outcomes are actually due to fathers disappearing.

[@alinecardoso9668]

I can't say that as a child of unhappy marriage parents, I grow up in a terrible environment, I think that this affected me in so many ways, that I have a lot of trouble dealing with stressful situations, because I was obligate to see every single day my parents fighting with each other, with 33 years I had problems in 5 organs, suffer with anxiety and I was born with breathing problems and also skin problems.

[@VictorRivera-cg5tr]

This video is the wrong message 😂

[@leons9088]

Wonderful ❤️

[@thetraditionalist]

Fun fact: women initiate divorce three quarters of the time

[@leons9088]

Are you sure..any proof

[@Andreamom001]

And your point is…? My husband cheated and left me…I filed for divorce six months later. Who would you say “initiated” the divorce?

[@leons9088]

@@Andreamom001 I would say your husband left no other option for you but divorce if I'm not wrong

[@thetraditionalist]

@@leons9088 yes look it up

[@thetraditionalist]

@@Andreamom001 technically you but most women get divorced for stupid reasons like "I didn't feel it anymore" or "I got tired" or "I wasn't happy". People nowadays have no respect for marriage but this is even worse among women, many of whom have this happily divorced is better kind of mentality because they only think of themselves

[@2musiclover534]

Thanks. Fantastic summary.

[@isabellaearnhardt6380]

💙

[@timothytaylor1083]

Unfortunately spouses aren’t serving God because if they were they wouldn’t say such foolish things. A spouse who won’t submit to God’s sovereignty, won’t submit to the other person.

[@laurenw.3656]

This is the reason so many people stay in unhappy or harmful marriages, because their "god" tells them too. Ridiculous. Religion only harms.

[@kathryndresen1346]

God hates divorce. Doing what God hates, for whatever reason, is never the right choice. There is separation, temporary or permanent, but never divorce. There's really nothing more sickening for children to have to experience than their parents dating.

[@annalisasauter7935]

I can personally attest to this. My father has had a second wife and multiple girlfriends throughout my childhood, and it has been repulsive watching him chase after countless pretty faces, including my former ABA therapist.

[@gotchumama5108]

I think this video is idealistic. If your parents are toxic, divorce is better.

[@Konrad-ez8ti]

no

[@steventay5834]

I hate parents who hurt their children by divorce.

[@Seriouslynotme234]

This video is a joke right? It should be taken down asap.

[@thecultarchives3440]

Not at all, seems you need to work on your intellectual capabilities, the sources for findings are cited in description, DUUUUH..

[@Konrad-ez8ti]

oh look, a snowflake leftie got offended

[@joshuaestrada6042]

Sometimes I think divorce is nessecary. Like for instance domestic abuse or adultery. But I think that's rare.

[@yoleeisbored]

Chris watts case..

[@tomodiochi8035]

Y’all need to stop getting strong women to narrate. Be conservative.

[@bernadettedurando5963]

I love these videos! They're so enlightening and get me to think about topics that most people my age just shove away. Keep up the good work.