How Divorce Affects Children

"People shouldn't stay together for the sake of the kids. The kids are going to be fine."
We hear this ALL THE TIME.
Maybe your marriage counselor told you this.
"Don't worry about the kids, you need to make yourself happy. Kids are resilient."
But, if we're being honest, how does divorce affect children?
Well, Dr. Joe Beam is one of those people who did divorce his wife and leave his children, many long years ago. And then Joe and Alice and remarried after three years of being apart.
To this day, Dr. Beam can still see the effect on the children that they had at that time.
Join Dr. Joe Beam & Kimberly Beam Holmes as they discuss the TRUTH behind how divorce affects children.
CHAPTERS
0:00 Divorce Affected My Own Children
1:25 How Divorce Can Affect Children
3:12 How Divorce Effects Children's Performance In School
4:12 Divorce Increases Hostile Behaviors In Children
4:35 Divorce Increases Likelihood Of Sexual Promiscuousness
7:06 Father's Often Becomes Absent After 1 Year
10:48 When Children Grow Up After Parents Divorce
11:48 How Staying Married Helps Children Flourish
13:35 Parents Involving Children In Divorce Details
15:00 Considerations Before Choosing Divorce
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[@scottbachmann1962]

I’d love to see you do a video on the 78% of women who initiate divorce (for any or no reason - usually “I’m not happy”) and how their children are affected by it.

[@gdg1963]

Amen!

[@brianmery761]

%100 correct. Wife, very happy to let the marriage life go and see kids suffer. “They will be fine” so dumb

[@julzluvzdollz]

I personally think this statistic is skewed. In Most cases where the women I know who initiated felt they had to since their husbands left them for another woman. I can say this confidently about my own mother, and many of my friends. I only know one woman that initiated divorce because she was the one who made the choice to leave the marriage.

[@aubreystrong2780]

There’s always a reason, the person may or may not know it.

[@plushrush]

It’s interesting that some men think women divorce “because they are unhappy” and that the ex can’t articulate what that unhappiness is. Sounds lonely for the women, I don’t blame them if the man doesn’t even try to understand their feelings.

[@chartroy]

My husband of 14 years abruptly and without warning ended our marriage due to a secret affair he was having. This left our 2 pre-teen daughters absolutely devastated and I was so upset with him for that. Our girls were at such a vulnerable age. My youngest to this day displays the negative effects of his action. His affair was married too with 2 children. They obliterated 2 families just to see their relationship last little more than 1 year. Ugh! 😞

[@MarriageHelper]

Wow. Thank you so much for sharing this very difficult story. We appreciate your transparency. Unfortunately, this is a very common situation we deal with. One spouse pursues someone else, and sadly all parties involved are hurt by it. And most of the time the relationship always fails, and that person regrets their decision later in life. We will be thinking of you all! Please don't hesitate to contact us if there's anything we can do to help you. Blessings,

[@chartroy]

@@MarriageHelper He did regret it deeply. He also died suddenly at age 61 due to a sudden heart attack. The strange thing was that our marriage seemed fine at the time of his affair. Our daughters finally reconciled with him barely a decade before his premature death. Affairs are deadly and destructive. It was a devastating time for us. 😞

[@rachelbagnard]

Wow, this was an incredible video! Thank you so much for sharing this content - this message needs to be heard! My parents divorced when I was 15 years old and it was a very hard situation. It's been 17 years since they divorced and I notice how it STILL affects me and my own marriage (specifically with attachment issues and handling conflict in a healthy / productive way). Thankfully my husband and I are working through it - praise Jesus! I'm so thankful I've had my faith in Christ to lean on and guide my thinking / actions. Surprising, it's only been in this past year that my mom and dad have been able to get along when together in the same room (another HUGE praise because they've been in "high conflict" for so long!).

[@MarriageHelper]

Wow! Thank you for sharing your story Rachel! Glad you found this video helpful. Please share this video with anyone you know who needs to hear it! And let us know if there's anything else we can do for you!

[@user-lt7ff1tg9f]

This is hilarious, my friends tell me I'm so strong, physically and emotionally. I just wish I didn't have to be strong at all. My parents' divorce made me learn a lot, sure. But I didn't need those lessons. I didn't have to suffer to gain more maturity. I was already on a good trajectory.

[@MarriageHelper]

How has divorce affected you or someone you know in your life? Share your stories below. And if please consider attending one of our Marriage Helper Workshops with over a 70% success rate! Link here: bit.ly/3UEcldU

[@user-lt7ff1tg9f]

This was the case very much so with my family. My dad had enough after 21 years and four children. The custody arrangements ultimately resulted us residing in three different households across two continents. We haven't been under the same roof in three years. I fear our sibling bonds are too far gone. I fear for my future one day. I'm desperate not to end up the way my parents did.

[@urbansrevamped]

Great video! This is so rarely covered yet such a crucial part of a divorce! We took our kids on a rollercoaster through our divorce and wish we had taken more time to find help and advice like this!

[@ivahelf4077]

My parents separated when I was ten and divorced a couple of years later, due to my father's infidelities. It was devastating for us kids. Being the oldest, I took it up on myself to protect my sister from the crude details. It made me grow up so much faster. It was devastating to see what it did to my mom and to us. The impact of it still resurfaces in different ways & at different times....The odd fact is that I fought with all my might for my marriage. It was my husband who asked for a divorce after his infidelity and it has affected my kids significantly even though they are in their 30's!...

[@MarriageHelper]

Wow thank you so much for sharing this story. It takes a lot to share the sensitive details of a situation like this. As Kimberly said in this video in a bit of a sad and sarcastic way, "Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving." Thanks for being a part of our community Iva.

[@ivahelf4077]

@@MarriageHelper Thank you for giving your lives to help others. I understand not everyone's marriage can be saved but having the resources you provide we know now there is still HOPE & LIFE after !

[@allenfox5292]

​@@MarriageHelperthe exes affair came over to fight me, so I beat him unconscious so he went to the hospital.ground the knife edge off he was going to use on me, and cut the straps off the ex's purse

[@shannoncaines1482]

Thank you for this video!

[@RockMarketing-eg8zv]

I still have doubts if its divorce itself or the personality of parents that divorce that has the most negative impact on the children.

[@benscott6826]

How much does the broken family court system contribute to these issues? Intense support battles? The divorce mom making their child a confidante??

[@windiclay1848]

Soooo many people need watch this!!

[@MarriageHelper]

👏👏👏

[@christophersalvatoreraimun8578]

Thank you for this show with this subject. Childrens suffer for a very long time, and in some cases the negative consequences are to costly, and it’s not talked and study enough. Thank you.

[@MarriageHelper]

Thank you so much Christopher Salvatore Raimundo. We truly appreciate your comment and are grateful to have you as part of our community here on KZbin. And we also believe that this subject is not talked about enough! Divorce will affect generations after us. Please, don't hesitate to reach out to us if there's anything else we can do for you. marriagehelper.com/marriage-strategy-call/ Blessings,

[@user-us1ft3go3m]

Throughout my childhood I watched the adults in my life scream at, beat up and abuse one another. I was always (and still am) my Mom's sounding board for her marital woes and never ONCE did she, my father or any other adult in my life acknowledge that the constant drama could possibly have an effet on me or my brother. When we hinted that we suffered, we were met with indifference and scorn. You say that girls from such homes have a tendency to become promiscuous, but I for once learned early that any kind of male attention is something to be avoided. I have never had a "relationship" and I never will. The very idea repulses my. I have good friends and a dog and that's all I need. The only way you can live in peace is to live alone. I am now in my 50ies and happy with my life.

[@user-ph3cr2be2m]

Thank you so much! My parents did not divorce, I sometimes wished they did. My wife’s parents did. She’s unhappy after( probably during too) 21 years. We’re good friends although separated and kids don’t know yet. It’s breaking my heart that we have to tell our kids we’re separating while not sure it is solid necessary.

[@beebop395]

My mother used to coach us (for hours) on what to tell my father, would tell me how I was such a failure for not demonizing my dad and would make teams with my younger sister and teach her how to go through my dad's papers, wallet and things and pay attention to what he was saying and report back. But I was the dumb and useless one bc I didn't do it. One day my mother stopped being interested in having a relationship with me called me "useless" and said I was too old that my ego blah-blah, I was 15. It took me decades to see reality and facts as reality and facts, my dad wouldn't even mention her for weeks, dude was happy and to this day he's such a big part of our lives.

[@MarriageHelper]

Wow. That is so hard. Thank you so much for sharing this story and for being transparent with us friend. That sounds like a very difficult situation to go through. It sounds like you may have felt manipulated by your mom. We have heard this before and it's why one of our major rules is to NEVER use your children as pawns in marriage. It destroys the relationship between the parent and the child. Thanks again for sharing this and we hope you subscribe and consider reaching out to us if you ever need help with your relationship or marriage. Blessings,

[@scottdore132]

I would love to see more videos in this series Dads and devorce

[@MarriageHelper]

Here are a few! 1. How to tell your children about divorce (if you have officially decided you want to divorce): kzbin.info/www/bejne/oXikeHSKmtWdn7M 2. How to be a better parent when going through divorce: kzbin.info/www/bejne/mIDNpHlteLJkoMU 3. How to stop a divorce: kzbin.info/www/bejne/f3arpmmsg5qJfbs 4. Another video on how divorce affects children: kzbin.info/www/bejne/q37Cc4Wanb6smKs

[@dakotawinters5062]

Divorce is the better option for a lot of kids who were raised in violent homes or unsafe environments.

[@angielopez2990]

When my parents got divorced we finally had peace at home. There are people who just don't want to work on the marriage. And when this happens it's better.

[@braindojo4128]

here's the truth when mom divorced my dad after five kids and married a step father: no christmasses, no family reunions, fear of constant violence, alcholism, drug use, a guilty mother descend into religious madness, then dementia, then mom gets abandoned in her old age and the final stab? everything given away to a stranger.....so think very very carefully about the effects ladies before you give up that regular guy for a moustachioed stud.

[@stacyfelton8714]

Can you do more on divorce effects on children

[@MarriageHelper]

Absolutely! Also, if you search the term "Children" or "Child" or "kids" on our youtube channel, a list of quite a few other videos should pop up where we've talked about children and how to handle being a parent during a crisis like divorce. We hope you find that helpful!

[@HayesGamingTV]

At 9:45 Kimberly, you said the dad gets guilt for what he did..what if the dad didn't do anything and it was the mother who was the one that astrayed from the marriage and ultimately decided the fate of the family and still gets 50/50 when the dad did everything to save the marriage?

[@venessariley3285]

This video was great, excellent insight! I hired a lawyer from David Phillips Law and they helped me out with child custody, David Phillips Law is truly one of the best!

[@jjed4160]

Finally speaking the truth

[@kabelabello9451]

How about those cases of children who’s parents divorce right after their birth or only after few days or months after birth and then grow up with either the father or the mother and a step parent but their family never tells them about the divorce resulting in the child thinking that their step-parent is their biological parent. I personally experienced this and I would love to know more about it from a psychological point of view. I hear a lot of people saying that children who didn’t witness divorce due to their early age are not strongly affected by divorce, I can confirm that is far from being true. Babies can sense when they are separated from their biological birth giver and that alone has very negative consequences, but what I find also troubling and heartbreaking is the shock when they figure out the truth and the doubts that precede it.

[@nancyparra5741]

We have been separated for a yr. We are always polite infir of the kids. But he left me and has other loves. That are not for me nor the kiddos. So, we did recently have dinner together at my house. What else can I do to help them. I can't control their father. And I will not make him come back.

[@ILLWill1027]

I've tried and fought hard for the last two and half years but my Wife hasn't been putting in the effort in that time and has also cheated. I forgave her but as of now she's cheated again and is about to abort a kid by the person but she doesn't know I know. We have a 8 year old together and been married 8 years together for 11 but we're gonna make sure we are the best Co parents to make sure the divorce doesn't affect our son at all. We have great family support on both sides as well. I would've loved to have my family forever but at this point I'm done giving grace.

[@MarriageHelper]

Thank you for sharing friend. We are so sorry to hear that you, your wife and your children are going through this tough time. All of those things you are saying are completely your decision to make and we will never tell you what to do. But if you believe the marriage is worth fighting for, please consider reaching out to us! We have an incredible 3 day workshop that has over a 70% success rate at saving marriages even after an affair! Even after pregnancy! In fact, you may find this testimonial inspiring. It is about Jordan & Priscilla. She became pregnant with another mans baby, and they still put the marriage back together and are very happily married. Watch their video here if you'd like! kzbin.info/www/bejne/jWPUYWV7payWe7s

[@moonlightstargem1006]

My dad needs to see this

[@mandyschwarz4821]

Please don't give up keep strong

[@alexarguelles2800]

Thank you for sharing this information. I think most people completely ignore the effect of divorce on the children. I was young when my parents divorced and it really affected me. My wife and I are separated and about to be divorced (prayers appreciated). It kills me to see all the problems it's brought to our kids and the pain it will continue to bring. Also, thank you for sharing the concept of divorce not even being on the table. If it's not an option, people will work things out. That's the way God intended it from the beginning.

[@MarriageHelper]

So sorry to hear you are going through this Alex. We are here for you and would love to be your community for support during this time. Just out of curiosity, have you taken advantage of our free mini course? We know times are tough and want to provide as much as we can to you free of charge. That's why we created this free mini course. It will teach you how to get your spouse back and give you a plan moving forward! You can get access to it directly by following this link: your.marriagehelper.com/how-to-get-your-spouse-back-mini-course

[@vedinthorn]

Divorce was never on the table for me and my wife. Until one day she slammed me with it because I demanded she stop having an emotional affair with someone else and wanted them to stop sexting. Sadly, you can't actually make it not an option for both parties, only you.

[@mikederucki]

My parents divorced when I was 13 - I got really violent and really promiscuous. I turned into the baddest boy one could imagine

[@Bini4]

Its been 20 years now since my father left me and my mom, i am 29 years old now, i dont know its getting worse, if ill live another 10-20 years i can get a medal

[@Preetkaur-lo2if]

I was not from a divorced family or any family generation but i still got a divorce so im not really agreeing with that point that divorced parents open door to children to leave at first sight of problem… overall a great study…

[@c.j.9248]

What about the affects on adult children?

[@MarriageHelper]

Hey there C. J., we actually talk about how divorce can affect adult children about halfway through this video!

[@belalhosensarder7277]

No problem. Accepted children.

[@belalhosensarder7277]

Children no problem ✌️

[@loving_2B_a_life_designer]

Good and upright is the Lord Therefore he instructs sinners in his ways - Psalm 25.8

[@waterzipper]

I'm glad it was my mom left and not my dad because my mom was a monster

[@moonlightstargem1006]

My mom started cheating on my dad too. My dad is still going through the divorce process with my mom & they are holding me hostage as their kid. And my dad started neglecting me while i still live with him. He’s rejected me my whole life. He’s been angry at me a lot raging at me & ignoring me & invalidating me and my emotions, he stopped raising me & doesn’t share any common interests with me. My dad is actually bad i agree. He is. He just is. These men are bad. Horrible, Mean, nasty. They don’t care. My mom is horrible too. My mom is not there for me either

[@MarriageHelper]

Hey MoonlightStarGem, so sorry to hear you are going through this. Because of the complexity of this situation, we would strongly advise you reach out to us directly! You can call us at 1 [phone] and be connected with one of our Client Representatives who will guide you to the best resources we have available for your situation. You can also schedule the call yourself for a time that works best for you by following this link: marriagehelper.com/marriage-strategy-call/ We look forward to speaking with you directly if you will allow it! We want to help you and your parents figure out how to make the marriage work. But primarily, we want to make sure that YOU are safe! If you are in physical danger at all, PLEASE GET SAFE FIRST! And please call the domestic abuse hotline for immediate help! Once the emotions have calmed, then they can begin to focus on the relationship. Please call this number if you are in danger!! 800-799-7233

[@willnill7946]

Your father is the victim , not you

[@csacha02]

The ex wife claims abuse online but admitted to me in text there was no abuse, because there wasnt. I love how women claim this falsely, making abused women less believed.

[@Strelitzias_]

It's incredibly true, I will say, but divorce also has some advantages, such as seeing new areas, having a special bonding time with one parent more, but long term and short term it's also terrible. But it depends on the child at this point. The child would also have to deal with most likely more heated arguments and that could also slowly lower the joy of ones child.

[@MarriageHelper]

Thank you for your comment. May we ask you a question though? What would prevent a child from having special bonding time with each parent individually if they were married? Why are parents only able to have 1-on1 time with a child after a divorce has occurred? Maybe we misunderstood your thoughts. But we only see negatives when it comes to divorce and how it affects children. Thank you for your comment.

[@amybostic1439]

I agree about the female children looking for make attention because unfortunately more men leave then women -I’m dealing with the fallout right now

[@MarriageHelper]

Thanks for sharing Amy! We are here for you. ❤

[@Shawn-zt3gv]

70% of the time it's the women who filled for divorce. Men don't leave more

[@moonlightstargem1006]

Men don’t provide emotional stability in the relationship between him and his woman so the woman has to leave the drama. And men do leave women more often

[@Shawn-zt3gv]

@@moonlightstargem1006 how can you say men leave more when the facts say women file 70-80% of the time

[@willnill7946]

@@moonlightstargem1006 your just wrong, women end most relationships

[@johnthrush5097]

The children belong with their mother if the father is not with the mother then he's really not like the father anymore he's only a father through the mother and then when the kids are like 13 go see what your father's doing

[@belalhosensarder7277]

Children no problem?

[@fugetabouit663]

Hostile environment is never a good thing for the kids. Especially when she cheats on you because of so and so. Childish selfish behavior. Walk away easier said than done.

[@Theleaddog]

It’s not “attention” or “male attention” please stop saying that. It’s about connection. The child is seeking connection with the parent through cueing or miscueing but it’s about connection and not attention. Two different things. One fosters attachment and the other doesn’t.

[@belalhosensarder7277]

I want to love Only you ❤

[@jaywillzxrp2691]

My Dad abandoned my family when i was 12, he left for drugs and a perverted relationship with his 1st cousin. Half my family on my dads side agreed with his decision. Alot of blame was put on me. I tried killing myself over 28 times. I thank God for saving me. My father in Heaven is the best dad I could ever dream of. I wish the best for my earthly dad. I call him time to time but i love him from a distance. I cannot support that lifestyle. Jesus is my Brother, Holy Spirit stick close to me and I love him so much. I pray for my Lost Family. I want everyone to experience the living God and Freedom.

[@MarriageHelper]

Thank you for sharing your story Jay. That's a very touch situation and we're sorry you have been so hurt by it. We stand behind your prayers and would love to be added support for you with anything you may need in the future! Blessings,

[@ste6826]

So sad to hear that but pleased you found a good path my strong brother.

[@belalhosensarder7277]

Age no problem accept any age. You can love me? 😍

[@moonlightstargem1006]

My parents are going through a divorce and me and my older brother are 26 and 28. I am 26 and my older brother is 28. I am sexually promiscuous and my brother is just very angry all the time. My parents are very narcissistic and lack emotional Empathy. I lack rescources too so i started to steal money from my dad’s check book & my account got closed. My dad doesn’t care. He’s a bad dad

[@andrewphillips969]

@Marriagegelper It’s NOT the Dad that are leaving today. Check the stats. Women leave 70% of the time.

[@Demonoicgamer666]

Well maybe your kids were p*ssed at you cause you abandoned them, not that you divorced their mother. What’s worse a man and woman divorced because they are arguing all the time or a father and a mother who stay together despite constantly fighting creating a hostile environment. I used to have a step mom and she had kids from a separate marriage and my dad and step mom used to fight like crazy and I asked my step brother do they fight like this when I’m not hear he said they are worse when I’m not there but apart they should stay together. My dad cheated and my mom couldn’t live with him knowing that.

[@belalhosensarder7277]

It is my dream i want to come in your country. Take me in your place. I want only settled life 🌹😍😍

[@mutungiedmund2355]

Divorce is bad 👎

[@pinkishpigs24]

I hear that the kids are a factor, but why not address the toxic environment for the chilren to see. Marriage is not glorious. Kids can not even begin to understand how toxic, behind closed doors, the parents can act. Kids are only thinking about themselves and selfish in their own right. There is not even any consideration for the parents at this point. There is no way to explain to a kid about all of the issues to a child because the child have not have adult experiences to even begin to understand divorce.

[@alanapavuk5401]

There are gross generalizations here, talking about worst case scenarios. And could you please provide your references so people can interpret the data themselves.

[@christianmagno984]

Are you a feminist?

[@sufianngellah6297]

@@mygoodnessdarlin you have said it all

[@MarriageHelper]

Hey Alana, thank you for your comment. We have access to a large library of scholarly articles from multiple universities. Unfortunately, these vast peer-reviewed documents are not available to the general public. However, there are very many publicly accessible studies regarding the affects of divorce online. We would encourage you to look into those for even more understand as this video only scratches the surface of the negative affects that divorce has on children. Please let us know if there's anything else we can do for you!