How to Work with an Insecure Boss: The Harvard Business Review Guide

Of all the bad bosses out there, one of the most common-and most painful to work for-is the one who’s plagued by doubt. Here’s how to deal with them.
00:00 If you’ve ever doubted yourself because your boss doesn’t have faith in you, shoots down your ideas without explanation, or blames you for their lack of success, this video is for you.
00:34 How do you know if you’re dealing with an insecure boss?
01:05 Don’t try to retaliate! You’ll only make things worse.
01:30 A little self-doubt is normal, but here’s where it crosses the line.
02:41 Tactic 1: Remain patient.
03:25 Tactic 2: Frame your work as a joint effort.
04:05 Tactic 3: Signal that you’re not a threat.
04:45 Tactic 4: Flattery works-as long as it’s genuine.
05:25 Tactic 5: Restore their sense of control.
06:40 Realize though: You’re not going to change them.
07:00 Let’s recap!
The tips in this Harvard Business Review Guide come from Amy Gallo’s book, “Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People)”, available here: www.amazon.com/Getting-Along-...
SEE ALSO:
Managing 3 Types of Bad Bosses: hbr.org/2014/12/managing-3-ty...
What to Do When You Have a Bad Boss: hbr.org/2018/09/what-to-do-wh...
Produced by Amy Gallo and Scott LaPierre
Video by Andy Robinson
Design by Riko Cribbs, Alex Belser, and Karen Player
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[@gzanellip]

My advice: make your life easier, stop being the therapist of your boss, and start looking for another job.

[@clincpb8903]

Exactly and use empathy at the right place : on you.

[@csg1381]

I agree with the comment, get out of that bad relationship ASAP. Imagine that your boss is a child … and babysit the individual. I have tried the first five tactics. The result is I am so far from bringing my authentic self that I have reached a new low. Research should show the toll it takes on their victims.

[@ranjanagosavi4735]

Agree. Basically you may not be able to assuage their feelings of inadequacy ever. A lack of courage will mean they never hesitate to throw you under the bus at the slightest hint of trouble.

[@yuke00457]

My thinking here is that why is that YOU have to leave and damage your career because of a manager, a colleague or a client

[@yuke00457]

And, when interviewing for the next job it is you who is going to look bad and not the abuser.

[@musicmaker4life20]

This is enabling. ONLY do these things for a temporary amount of time while making an exit plan. Ultimately, pathologically insecure people DO NOT CHANGE and they do not want to see anyone do better than them. Your career will stagnant and your mental/physical health will deteriorate if you stay long term.

[@kafkaniendc]

Your advise is SO misleading and gaslighting. You are advocating for the person on the receiving end of this toxic and abusive behavior to, on top of having less money, resources and power, to also spend time strategizing and placating the insecure boss. So you basically want me to become enablers. If you're dealing with an insecure boss, know this right away, you deserve better and your boss' insecurities are NOT your part of your job. Document everything. Advocate for changing to another department or even better, get another job. They're never going to change. Your job is to take care of yourself, not spending your limited resources on people that are not worth it.

[@usedec8678]

I agree with comments that the first thing you need to do is run away. But it takes time, before that the strategies in this video can help you survive.

[@mrjamiebowman]

100%

[@jennifershakira409]

Exactly 💯 agree or else we get insane working with micromanager

[@CreditUnionEducationUS]

This is the first video from #HBR that I actually really disagree with… In my opinion, if your boss is really insecure, I personally believe you should make every attempt to exit. You can’t restore that emptiness nor should you try. Insecure managers won’t actively look for ways to help you grow and thrive. Insecure managers create insecure employees who create a insecure cultures. That culture will impact your health and home life. As a consultant, I see this a lot in of organizations. Individuals who will allow their organization to fail all because the idea didn’t come from them. This is why strong governance is critical for the continued success.

[@amygallo1923]

Thanks so much for watching and for the candid feedback! I agree that there is some insecurity that you will never be able to make up for and that you shouldn't try. And, in those extreme cases, it's best to leave. Though that's not always possible for everyone. My hope is that these tips will help people who can't exit and are struggling to make a less-than-ideal situation work.

[@amygallo1923]

It's also worth noting that if you're dealing with a truly toxic boss, who has zero interest in changing their ways, it's best to leave. I really like Mary Abbajay's advice on this in her article, "What to Do When You Have a Bad Boss" (link is in the description above!)

[@mmrgratitudes]

That's what I did. But you have to exit properly and with good prospects.

[@philclemens1677]

You nailed it on health and home life. It matters. The "managing up" concept is kind of a nice idea, but doesn't work in practice. But, it may not be easy to exit either. There's a point where dissassociation becomes a real option. Put in your hours, but don't develop a sense of ownership. Find an outside interest on which to focus until your work life either gets better or changes altogether. Another thought about "moving on" - if your current manager in your current field is allowed to exist, and you move to a new company in the same field, there's a very good chance you'll run into this manager profile on a repeating basis. You have to either change fields, or learn to live with it.

[@sherryfang4320]

Here is the thing. Communication can truly happen when both parties want to contribute. This video comes from the point of view that people CAN change and WILLING to change. However, in many cases, toxic people are not capable of change. Know the difference and set boundaries for yourself. Document everything and avoid expressing emotions that can backfire. I recommend watching Dr. Ramani for more information about this. Loads of free information for you to access.

[@GodmiSunny]

This is true. If it's happening for you for the first time you may try and learnt he different patterns and use it as a learning experience and get out of there as soon as you can. That's my strategy

[@PeggyStinson]

I am listening to this and stopped half-way through because I am having such a hard time agreeing with these tips. I have not answered to a boss for a lot of years and I just could not ever imagine having to be in the position of having to embrace the behaviors that are being offered as an answer to having an insecure boss. The first few tips sound more like coddling an infant, or enabling unhealthy behavior. There is no reason for someone to be specifically contradictory; however, I would personally try to motivate people to figure out ways to neutrally show the insecure boss that you are willing and able to do your job and that they need to keep healthy boundaries when working with you (decisions, communication, responsibility etc.) Just because someone is your boss and they feel insecure, doesn't put the burden on you to "take care of them". It is their burden to grow up.

[@amygallo1923]

Thanks for the feedback, Peggy! I really like your idea around setting healthy boundaries - always important in any difficult working relationship. And I am in complete agreement that the burden is on them to be a better manager, and I hope that some bosses would take on that task. My aim is to give people some evidence-based tactics they can use to improve the situation for themselves, even if it's a temporary fix while they try to find another opportunity.

[@PeggyStinson]

@@amygallo1923 temporary - yes, that is the keyword here. Thanks for that emphasis.

[@seapeajones]

Vice versa with poor performers. It's not fair & it doesn't matter. It's about learning how to navigate the relationship until it gets better or you don't need to.

[@carries8615]

Interesting comments. I agree that pushing back doesn’t work, and that the larger work culture is not helpful to you, especially if it’s a traditional hierarchy. However, it becomes toxic to you if you are coddling someone and not able to bring your skills and talents to your role. I am watching an insecure boss bring down the morale of a really talented team, single-handedly. And sending us in directions that are contrary to best practices- yet none of us can/are speaking up. And sadly, there won’t be any consequences. So I also agree that leaving or limiting your role has to be an option to pursue. What a shame that this is the “game” of work too often these days.

[@mmrgratitudes]

Ugh!! Where was this video 5 years ago? I had a very insecure boss, and she wanted our whole office to revolve around her. She regailed us with dumb stories about her dog or kids, and expected us to "oo" and "aah" with her. She went out of her way to bring other people down. She was TOXIC. Thankfully, I moved on to a better position in a better place. Phew!! My sincere advice: build a moat around you - in other words make sure you have a solid defense. Be clear with communication, and document EVERYTHING. Always be in integrity, and have great relationships with his/her boss (or if they are the big boss, with all the other executives and managers around), so that if anything happens your side won't be questioned. Lastly, have a smart exit plan, and leave your position with grace. Whether it's moving up, moving to another department, moving to a whole new job - make sure that you've done your best to wrap things up and transition your team properly. Don't burn bridges and make sure you keep in contact with the good people you have worked with. If you are dealing with this kind of boss - I know what it's like, and I hope you come out of it successfully. Learn, take valuable lessons, and don't let the bitterness of other people destroy your character and disposition. Good Luck!

[@hanmel5930]

I have been the same situation, but unfortunately her boss is a male version of her, and she bad mouthed around about me also to her boss. so in the end, her boss hated me more than she did, even if my working performance was good and tried all my best to get of the gossip, troubles, but i was being asked to leave in one day. the worst experience i never had

[@KT-bw4cv]

Good advice to use while looking for another job

[@vijaynidumolu142]

Thanks a Ton. I retailated and am facing consequences with career stagnation... infact for 2nd time in my career. It was hell-> heaven transition when i left my previous insecure boss. He made life so much miserable for all his subordinates.. I wish I can sense pathological insecurity of a boss in job interview itself.

[@PasserBy869]

So is it just me, or this video is mostly telling employees to stay passive, and adjust to the whims of the boss? 👀

[@cheriesonsocial7997]

It does but the reality is you will never win with your boss in a corporate setting. Take it from someone who was fired by an insecure boss. But on a happier note, the ex boss was laid off a month after firing me.

[@ywaiming]

Yes, for survival until one can safely exit.

[@arnabdas5834]

in real life situations these things won't work..... either you leave the job or team else you remain fully passive during their tenure..... no way otherwise....... micromanagers are prone to personal enmity with most subordinates(excluding few who acts as detectives/agents) overlooking broader organisational goals

[@asahioshiro4574]

Ugh so annoying that we have to work around the boss when it’s their problem they are insecure

[@hanmel5930]

yeah, then i paid a lot of money on the therapy even if she should have seen one

[@cdtz82]

Thank u Amy for sharing this relevant topic and navigating insights. Toxic bosses can, and will mess up everything for their own selfish gains and insecurities.

[@Pants3]

Nah. Stand up for yourself.

[@maraampasha4119]

Really needed this right now!!

[@grandjette]

I always consider leadership roles from all levels, i.e. a subordinate can be more mature than the manager by playing the "supportive role". With possibilities of lateral movement within organizations that can be more beneficial than the traditional mindset of climbing up the ladder, it's possible to enjoy our work at the back end and let the leader take the "limelight". But limits exist. If the leader could not adjust and learn humane ways of leading, demotivation of the subordinates comes very naturally which no one can even stop, as water seeks its level. People need virtuous leaders to model their life. Workers need good environments to thrive.

[@ymmf6863]

I havec tried and do agree that these tactics work, especially framing your point as a question so that you get the boss to say what you want from his/her own mouth. But as you said you cannot change them, so you either do this until they move on, or you have to move on.

[@fj2876]

NO. Quit and find a new job - with better pay.

[@bankolejoseph]

Very timely video. Spoke to my ongoing experience with a client. I can do better. Thank you.

[@ehabmegalaa1]

Thank you very much for your videos they are very helpful, informative and practical. Good Job.

[@lizwalker2244]

If you have the skill set to do all (or any) of this, then you’re def overqualified for your current position and should just get a new job.

[@NoteworthyExtracts]

Restore their sense of control!, Why?! I Don't think that is necessary.

[@drannoc100]

Good advice. But some bosses really can use some therapy on the side (God knows how they were even promoted). Also, ask yourself about goal of career and life. As one said below, sometimes it’s better to find another place.

[@Sapphire1721]

These tips are great if your boss wants to feel comfortable, but I’ve been in a situation where my boss wants to reinforce the hierarchy and wants her work to be better than mine. What’s the best response then?

[@amygallo1923]

Good point. You'll find some useful tips in an article from the HBR archive called " Managing 3 Types of Bad Bosses." (Link in the description above!) Vineet Nayar talks about what to do when you have an "all-knowing" manager.

[@ywaiming]

Find a new job. Until then, just grin and bear it. And follow the suggestions in this video.

[@azbyluthfan2391]

I have been doing the bad examples as you mentioned and these have never been an issue before. But suddenly I noticed there's a change in my boss behavior and basically anything that I do is wrong. Watching your video made realize that this is what I'm dealing with. It seems that my boss has seen me as a rival/threat who constantly pushes or questions his authority. Can't say that I'm not to blame, but this helps me realize the situation. And as others have pointed out, it's best to move on

[@rhodakozak1205]

I'm pretty sure that my manager is deeply insecure: I work in retail and have many different skills that I can utilize at any given moment. This has made me incredibly valuable to my employer. I had an "interview " for a promotion earlier this year. My boss talked about himself for about ten minutes; how he's been with the company for a long time, etc. Then he asked a little bit about myself. Now, mind you, he hadn't asked me any questions pertaining to the position I had applied for. Then (according to my store manager), he had put down that I interviewed poorly. Needless to say, I didn't get the job. This hasn't prevented me from continuing to show off my skills, which I'm sure has infuriated my direct manager. At every opportunity, my manager is nowhere to be found, but I am there, doing what I do best: helping the customer.

[@jennifershakira409]

I worked with a micromanager who was so jealous of me from the very first day, no matter what I do, he always criticised me, belittled me in front of others to make himself look good. He literally made my life miserable. He felt threatened because i was very good at job. Later on , i came to know from someone else that he is racist & doesn't like other nationality people. Well, I quit that job now & found peace.

[@merchantrichardson5328]

Thank you

[@AkashGupta-jy1nr]

Notes 📝 ready for new tactics.

[@seydisy86]

Thank you Amy for these tips.

[@Dashingdiva73]

THIS is is what happened to me. amongst other things. it was all bad but my boss was so insecure...😣

[@RyuEnGamer]

How to work with an insecure manager : Don’t. Ever.

[@harvardbusinessreview]

Good luck with that.

[@yuke00457]

I think it goes without saying that it's a hard job being a boss and too bad that in rare cases companies actually train people for the role of managing people, not this productivity, coaching for success, etc but having healthy work relationship with subordinates. Being weak, dumb and wrong. Because becoming a boss or a manager does not make a person less humane. Or suddenly overall perfect. Or needing to be so. Or not needing to say sorry if they are wrong or thank you. Just like in any other environment sorry or thank you.

[@seapeajones]

Was holding my breath to see if I have these traits LOL.

[@queenB1214]

You can do this but if you become a threat because her boss is impressed by your work This strategy is only going to buy you time and make the problem worse. And looking for another job is okay if a job is a job to you but if you worked hard for this job and it's your career goal then walking away isn't fair to you.

[@cornishpasty4344]

This is my current boss unfortunately. Trying to find a new job but the market is terrible. It's been over two years of this. I've made the decision to escalate her treatment of me, with evidence, and resign. Simply for the sake of my mental and physical health. She's completely volatile and there's no working with her. Not sure what I did to deserve it, or why it had to happen to me.

[@e.smeltzer9286]

I use the OODA loop tactic and many of the tips and strategies you suggest work for getting in their OODA loop.

[@kriskitty10]

You missed the mark with this video! Teaching employees to keep quiet and be passive with insecure leaders? Nope.

[@abdulwalizazai]

I think she taught audiences of playing the role of being flattered. No way, our boss secretly appointed one of the team workers to spy on us and all of us a sudden went to him and asked whether does he want us to leave official assignments and focus more on private stuffs? Change the way you manage or else we would at once resign and give reason of what you did. Never ever play role of parenting in an offcial role. Employees inside an organisation are adults and know what is bad and good not school kids like. Fed up of parenting roles anymore.

[@shadmannavidkhan4278]

The worst kind of insecure bosses are those who go above and beyond the "traditional signs of an insecure boss". I even once saw a person giving a gift to his boss just as a nice gesture, after which the so-called "boss" replied, "Oh that's so nice, but why give me such a gift? I'm the epitome of a toxic boss, after all." In fact, that boss really was toxic and insecure by nature, but to freely and shamelessly admit this only showed what a twisted or distorted mentality this "boss" had, besides regularly showing the daily signs of an insecure personality. The kind of people that we have in this society! Unbelievable sometimes.

[@JahmekyaNo1]

My supervisor is insecure AF!!

[@nzhbd]

It's not going to work. It will lead to more health issues and doesnt help on the long way development plan for the employee, best thing to control this behaviour that labour's party or labour act be really serious about it if has been report it with evidence.

[@jack9458]

Excellent, helpful video👌

[@johnsalas9436]

My project is not clear,do I have one?

[@janacardwell875]

No this will not work. You are making up this stuff. This is not real life!

[@peonyflowers23]

Sometimes they appear to be good bosses but are gossipers, play favorites, jealous and two-faced. These are the worst cause it takes longer to detect them. Even worse is when they practice systemic racism while smiling in your face.

[@ssenjuti7770]

Oh.. leading that life now, it’s horrible

[@joyrajde]

Standing against (health) hackers doesn't mean insecurities.i called super security.or make it ss..

[@thyagarajesh184]

Insecure boss will never change until he/she gets fired and depromoted or transferred. Don't invest your time on the ideas suggested by this video. Playing with office politics is dangerous for the career. Find another job or move under a different manager provided the company has good future prospects.

[@Anonymous-nq6xs]

im 22 seconds into this video and a ilttle confused. if your boss doesnt have faith in you and is nit-picky or a micro-manager, couldnt that mean you are a bad worker?

[@KatieMooo905]

Wow so sell yourself out to protect their fragile ego. Not soul destroying at all.

[@clincpb8903]

You really are a caricature.

[@shubhamtiwari16]

None of these work at Unilever

[@isunify]

How to be a boss for your boss

[@sergioherrera4941]

from the minute you started to the end of the information you shared to identify a stereotypical insecure boss: My Boss, and potentially his boss. UGH😞

[@vikingmike8139]

Just quit, on the spot. Blindsided. If more 'A' players were to do that, upper management would have to do [their] job and hire properly. Steve Jobs even was cited as saying that most managers are 'Bozos'. I happen to agree very strongly. Cheers!

[@augustinjyahoocom]

Why do I have the impression that she is talking about most of my previous bosses? 🙄

[@annemaxwell9975]

Swap sneaky out for effective!