How Your Parents Can Make Your ADHD Worse

[@adamgreenhill110]

My parents were very authoritarian, which made me reject being told what to do. It's a trigger for me. I can choose to do the right thing, but if I'm TOLD to do it, my brain refuses

[@digitalspecter]

I've been this way almost all my life as well.. and I feel like it might even be something inherent with ADHD.. I can see how authoritarian parenting will exacerbate it.. but I've been thinking it in this way: ADHD causes our brains to *not* form habits / routines very easily and our brain is still thinking about alternative ways even after 100th time of doing something.. so when someone tells you that "you must do this".. the first reaction is almost curious "really? do you think there are no other ways?" .. this curiosity can turn into defiance with authoritarian parenting but I feel like the seed is there with ADHD.

[@RozKounelakion]

I've been doing exactly the same thing my whole life. Is it an ADHD thing? Cause I've been doing some research the past few weeks and I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed adhd

[@gadnihasj]

Oh, this sounds kind of like me. But I'm pretty sure it's the parenting style that does it. You either become a doll who listens to anone when they tell you what to do, or you end up telling them "NO" no matter who it was that told you what to do. Though the letters grow bigger if directed at the parent who caused it. I can see that it might be easier to develop a somewhat more uncontrollable defiance with ADHD. I don't have ADHD, but still have the same reaction. Not sure if ASD has anything to do with it though.

[@adamgreenhill110]

@@gadnihasj Yeah, I've found I'm both. With my parents, I'm more like "NO", but with any authority figures (like managers at work), I'm obedient and submissive. It varies though. Being ordered to do things is definitely a trigger for me.

[@pixality7902]

Mine had a habit of telling me to do what I was already doing. If I was unloading the dishwasher, they'd tell me to do the dishes or do it faster. I almost think my dad did it to start problems because then I'd lose all interest in doing it.

[@CHKrause]

It's worth remembering that parents with ADHD kids are also more likely to have ADHD themselves and have emotional instability and dodgy coping mechanisms themselves which makes an explosive combination.

[@Wouldyoukindly4545]

Especially since many times parents interact with their kids when they are under pressure (trying to get them to school) and when both of their meds are not active and/or all parties are tired from school/work.

[@HierophantMeme]

literally my family growing up. Me, my 2 sisters, and my mom had it. My dad ended up divorcing my mom and we ended up moving in with him. My sisters got diagnosed but my mom refuses to and she has the same symptoms we do.

[@marieg595]

I'm going on third generation with this. My mom has it (undiagnosed, but she displays ADHD so blatantly, I clocked hers once I was diagnosed at 30), I have it, and my daughter has it. My mom couldn't provide structure, which made it harder to manage my own undiagnosed ADHD. Now, I'm working hard to provide that structure for my daughter, which sometimes feels impossible.

[@trahsh_1005]

I hate my parents

[@wbs7558]

I swear and even worst if both the parent and child has ADHD

[@mitthrawnuruodo1730]

My parents don’t believe I have it, what’s more my mom laughed and mocked me along with my brothers when I opened up to them. I’m not gonna lie, it hurt. But after a few months I realized one important thing: you won’t be understood by neurotypicals. The best metaphor is us being fish in the jungle. Monkeys will laugh and judge you by how well you climb a tree, not how well you swim. Don’t let the ignorance of others affect you, no matter who it is. Just find that stream and start swimming.

[@alexhendry2120]

My parents also don't believe me. Thank you for what you said, it helped.

[@FANNIX-]

Because it is so highly genetic; maybe they have it too and assume that the symptoms are normal life struggles. "Everyone has these" - so you are not special. Their mind can't question their own reality. And if their reality is similar to yours (because they have it too) - then they can't see you as being "different" - you know? Their other option would be that they have it too; but if that is out of question - they are left with disbelief.

[@Nevermindnemo]

My parents would never have believed me, then again they’re both NPD, I’d bet my life on it. I didn’t get diagnosed til 30.

[@prapanthebachelorette6803]

Well said

[@mitthrawnuruodo1730]

@@stuarthood5964 my mom has adhd, although she doesn’t believe in it ironically. At this point I’ve accepted that they wont understand nor care to. It is what it is

[@joanideasodret5256]

My ADHD was super hard to deal for my parents. I was a quiet child who always zero'd at school grades (save for 1 or 2 disciplines that were always full score/10), so they were clueless about what the hell was my problem. They put me in extra curricular classes, private teacher, went to talk to my school professors, none of that worked. Nowadays I'm 32 and received ADHD diagnosis at 31. More ADHD awareness would have really helped us all :/

[@teejay1032]

Im glad you did a video on this! My little sister has ADHD but she's extremely social/popular so I don't get to hang out with her much to build a relationship with her. Her room is extremely messy, she often borrows items and then loses them, and forgets tasks she's doing very easily and it gets on our parents' nerves so I do my best to help her out with it. I've been through enough with my parents without ADHD and I don't want her to suffer even more because of her disadvantage.

[@diediedice]

That's so nice of u! Keep being an awesome sibling, that's something you can be really proud of! :)

[@pptheastrologer6870]

Chad sibling, you think so much for them!!

[@raultamjid9725]

Ever thought why she's extremely social and popular? It's the ADHD. It's an advantage to have it between younger/newer generations. Or I may be totally wrong. Have a nice day!

[@sandevastated1]

@@raultamjid9725 no you’re right, it’s good for wittiness and being satire. Most people with ADHD are or were class clowns. Me.

[@mars_ffs]

@@raultamjid9725 ehhhh it *can* be, but not often, in my experience. specifically, it can be for ppl w/ combined type/ ppl who present more hyperactive *AND* have no comorbidities such as depression/ anxiety. ppl w/ inattentive type adhd rarely fit the sterotype of bubbly & energentic. && since adhd can often cause of exacerbate other mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, low self esteem, its even harder for ppl to behave this way. & that's not even taking into counts how adhd specifically affect socialization (such as having a hard time focusing enough to actually hear what someone is saying, meaning to get back to friends but continually forgetting, constantly being late & throwing off plans, etc, much to the frustration of friends/ coworkers/ whoever.) additionally, while adhd might be socially advantageous for some, it is very difficult to deal w/ in basically all other aspects. i definitely know a few ppl like op's sister who seem to be constantly "on", entertaining & energetic. but i also know manyyy more ppl w/ adhd who will never be like this, simply bc their adhd doesn't present in this very specific way. tldr- adhd, for me & many others, is definitely not an advantage.

[@fsal4682]

Can you please do a video on adult female ADHD? This series has been so useful. Thank you

[@suides4810]

Yes please I volunteer as a tribute

[@yinvara9876]

There are already a lot of other resources on it currently. I think he's focusing more on the more niche and less common topics.

[@Dice-Z]

@@yinvara9876 Adult ADHD has nowhere near the awareness it needs to have.

[@Blirre]

@@yinvara9876 No there really isn't. Especially in an easily accessible way for young people.

[@juntoringo]

@@yinvara9876 not nearly enough. Definitely a worthwhile topic to discuss. Think of: hormone influence, how its less diagnosed amongst girls (but not less prominent!), pregnancy, etc. Etc.

[@TryppiDnB]

I'm 28 years old and after years and years of looking into what could be wrong with me it was pretty obvious to me long ago I have adhd, and on the more severe end. I grew up with more conservative parents who didn't believe in adhd and mental health issues and just thought "parents just need to whoop their kids asses more." My whole life I was called lazy and always made out to just be a piece of shit. My childhood was a nightmare. It took me 6 years just to START to crawl out of my severe depression caused by it. Thank you I really needed to see and hear this.

[@victoriasmees5625]

Same! I was diagnosed with ADHD at 25yrs, getting screened for autism now at 27. I used to have meltdowns triggered by sensory overload and my parents were avid “cry it out method” followers so I started self harming by age eight and the doctors were like “wtf eight year olds don’t usually have this concept of harm/death?” And my parents were like “my child is completely fine thank you very much 😊”

[@georgepetrou501]

I am 14 and I am 100% that I have an extreme case of ADHD. My parents do not seem to believe in mental health issues as well, and if I try to talk about it with them they will surely think im trying to make excuses for my overall behavior. I dont know how I could ever convince them.

[@ethereal2001]

Man, the conservative parents part is SO relatable. OMG.

[@victoriasmees5625]

@@georgepetrou501 that’s such a difficult position to be in ♥️ do you have a school counsellor that may help, or be able to refer you? Otherwise I’d definitely check out lots of adhd resources like “how to adhd” on KZbin. Even if you can’t get diagnosed/medicated there’s lots of lifestyle supports available. The more knowledgeable you become the less alone you might feel ♥️

[@georgepetrou501]

@@victoriasmees5625 yeah, I'm trying to do just that :) Currently I'm trying to lengthen my attention span by watching long videos on KZbin like this one. Also I'm exercising a lot every day, which is said to help with adhd. Do you have any suggestions on what else I could possibly do? Ty :)

[@ryanviningtube]

It bothers me when I get interrupted from what I'm doing to do something else. like "lets go do this other thing right now" but if I'm interrupted and told "lets go do this thing in 30 minutes" then I'm usually able to transition to the new task easier

[@REChronic54]

What Dr.K shares at 47:52 onwards really hits home for me. I love my mom, she’s always there to take care of me physically, but we were never really close. From a young age, she’s always told me about having the means to take care of her and my dad when they’re old. She’s always told me that I’m going to face the fact that she’s gonna be gone one day and I need to fend for myself. So my parents have never been supportive of my choices in college, even though they’re willing to throw money for my education. It’s just a lot of mixed messages that leads to a lot of imposter syndrome because I’ve never thought my choices were valid. And then it causes me to lose motivation and to quit and to retreat to things like entertainment to stimulate my mind. And if you have a family like mine, nothing is properly discussed; so the cycle repeats again.

[@Chrischos]

"What Dr.K shares at 47:52 onwards really hits home for me. I love my mom, she’s always there to take care of me ...." hey dude where did u find pieces of my lifestory ?! like honestly the whole text scares me a lil bit because it is just nearly 1:1 accurate

[@REChronic54]

@@Chrischos it’ll be a homerun if you happen to be Asian too lol

[@Chrischos]

@@REChronic54 then im not your tom brady 😅 im german

[@owacs_ender]

I'm of Russian descent and . . . did we have the same mom??? Like wtf lmao

[@donnycorn3086]

@@owacs_ender that makes you my -comrade- brother then. how did we ended up in the same spot like this

[@matchasgotcha]

I was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism when I was four, so my parents made sure to show me why I was different throughout my childhood. I think where they faltered was understanding that I wasn't lazy and that studying at home would be difficult. When I was at school, I wouldn't have to worry about them badgering me or asking me to do chores so it was often insanely difficult for me to pay attention

[@headfirst1593]

this is me right in this pandemic. it was sometimes hard for me to pass requirements on time when i was physically in school but i got by enough to become an achiever. when the pandemic rolled i and classes from home came in i became extremely low-functional, barely came to meetings and never passed anything on time. up to now they keep on screaming why can't i push away the laziness and keep pretending that there is nothing wrong with my brain. i resonate.

[@LevmurQ_Q]

@@headfirst1593 same bro Wanna die or kill somebody

[@nicolaezenoaga9756]

@@LevmurQ_Q Chill!

[@LevmurQ_Q]

@@nicolaezenoaga9756 Chill someone's brains out?

[@nicolaezenoaga9756]

@@LevmurQ_Q Chill in the sense of don't do something stupid that could ruin or end your life.

[@Bankai90]

Fk my parents honestly. I honor them but the shit I went through because they had no common sense how to raise a child or talk to a kid is mindblowing. Literally 20+ years of mental shit and likely more due to healthissues to come from that Anyone who has parents who treated you like a decent human being deserving love. You don't even know how much you've won in life

[@kimsamson2545]

It's hard... I got an eldest daughter who I think got ADHD. But she does all the symptoms. Would need to change for her betterment. It's my first time to get exposed to this kind of situation. I love my daughter so much. I would do better for her. You be strong man

[@headfirst1593]

@@kimsamson2545 you're a good parent for trying to understand and learn more about her condition. hope the best for her and you!

[@REChronic54]

Yeah. I don’t blame my parents for not knowing how to parent or deal with new problems (we’re immigrants who moved to the U.S) but it’s the whole dismissive attitude of it all. My parents didn’t even want to try understanding just because their old world way of thinking never dealt with it. Don’t have a debilitating physical condition? Eh, you’re fine. Got mental health problems? Doesn’t matter. When I was a teen, I legit thought it was weird that there are parents who are attuned to who their kids are as a person.

[@inplane9970]

@@REChronic54 I'm 23 and I still think it's odd how people have parents who don't threaten them about their impending doom from old age. People who have parents that value life in general are truly blessed.

[@MarkADHD]

I relate so much to this and this is why I really never liked my mother as a person.

[@infamouscha]

Currently getting screened for ADHD as an adult, and it's tough. When you come from like an immigrant family, not only do you have to learn how to play America's game on your own, you also have to learn new skills and strategies because your parent's "build" is no longer viable, or is inefficient for the current meta. For example, learning how to solve family conflict, or becoming better at raising children. I have two cousins (who I had a large part in raising) who are on the autism/ADHD spectrum, and if I have ADHD too, then it just makes everything a little bit more frustrating. Especially when you're also the one actively trying to implement new ideas/strategies to better suit the needs of your child. Not only do I have to help them through their neurodivergent behaviors, but I have to also keep my neurodivergent behaviors in check because I am the adult who needs to show them guidance. You have to have double the patience, and double the impulse control. I feel like ADHD brains are so prone to reacting, rather than responding, and it's hard to always have to press the "pause button" on yourself.

[@fairygurl9269]

Improving Now Offering More Hopefulness for Others in You Family too! Respect

[@fisicogamer1902]

Dude, I respect you so much. I am being on the process of being diagnosed as an autist and acting like a father figure to my autistic brother. It is tough, but it should be a lot worse for you, since two kids are more difficult than one. I helped him so much, but I see the kid needs more than just me. I am insufficient to his needs, and I really don't want him to be asocial like me. guy has more friends than me, so , hopefully, he will not be as bitter about society as a whole than me.

[@infamouscha]

@@fisicogamer1902 honestly, trying is literally half the battle. Sounds like you really care about your brother and you're willing to improve for his sake. That's something A LOT of parents can't say. You should be proud of yourself. Your brother is very lucky to have you.

[@notbrad4873]

You make an interesting point about coming from parents without a viable "build". Don't discount them completely though. The immigrant mindset comes with way more points in fiscal conservatism than average citizens, and that's meta. This is not to take away from your point, it's true. One of my indian friends has a lot in the bank thanks to the mindset of his parents, but he also deals with problems average Canadians don't dealing with, like getting his parents to accept his non-Indian fiancee

[@Icantfeeeeeelit]

@@infamouscha wholesome and informative. I agree really hard on the part of having less impulse control and it goes in line with reacting to inner conflict that arises within.

[@sienathewayfarer]

The thing with passive non-compliance is that the kid likely doesn't even perceive that someone was trying to get their attention. I would get in trouble a lot as a kid because I was "ignoring" and "lazy." This moralizing of my behavior really messed me up and left me anxious, scared, guilty, and traumatized.

[@danh6720]

I wonder if it might be more difficult than that. ADHD often can involve an inability to focus attention even on something the person wants to do. Hearing someone say something but being for all intents unable to comply with a direction is a strong memory for me. What that meant is someone could ask me “what did I say?” and I could tell them what they said. So from their point of view I decided not to comply. And who could blame them for getting that impression? Even I, a person with ADHD would have a hard time not making the same determination.

[@theroyalheir]

There are times I remember hearing the person, but my perception of how long ago the person said it disappears. I hear it, my brain acknowledged reception of message, and put it in the buffer, while it completed the thought its was working on. Then suddenly you are like wait, when did this message come in...crap, 15 min ago.

[@bro4539]

I definitely have adhd but for me the passive non compliance had nothing to do with not percieving a command. I would say "okay" and just keep doing what I wanted to do. I would stay on the same task as long as possible before being forced to do something else. Sometimes part of me would want to comply and that part would quickly be washed out by the stronger desire to keep doing what I was doing. I think a little more persistence could have helped. Making sure to get my full attention and keep it ay least until I start to do what was asked of me

[@kataratify]

I wonder if this aspect of ADHD overlaps with certain forms of autism. I experienced something very similar, don’t have ADHD, do have autism.

[@megzarie]

Im diagnosed with ADHD and my boyfriend also has ADHD. On the positive side, we basically understand each other's needs very well because our brains are wired similarly. On the downside, trying to basic errands and household chores done is like trying to run two marathons in a single day. After I finish all the mental hurdles that I have to go through just to start and stay on task and then i have to get my boyfriend going if I need to bring him along shopping or something. We're still figuring out the right balance for us both but I still love him to pieces.

[@eggisfun4217]

this made me oddly happy thanks for sharing

[@danielcox7629]

Happy accidents, remember the "chores" that would make the other person happy and then they might actually be a distraction. I a list of things i can do for my wife.

[@NoLies17]

Some advice I've heard is to trade tasks. You may not want to go get your prescription or pick up your mess but he might do it for you. I'm more inclined to do things for others that I won't do for myself.

[@nicedraeger2794]

I'm 31, my very authoritarian parents always had a really terrible time with the idea that I might be ADHD. I watched this, and heard/saw my childhood laid out basically for the first time. This changed my life. Thank you so much.

[@Pherecydes]

I'm in my 30's, also had authoritarian parents. They never understood that when I didn't respond to them I literally just wasn't processing what they said. They thought I was purposely ignoring them, and didn't believe me even when I told them I wasn't. Obviously this just enraged them. Then they wonder why I don't visit them 🙄.

[@rebeccaryan5030]

@@Pherecydes I'm bringing up my own child now and this absolutely explains why I have nothing to do with my own parents. Aiming to be the nest parent I can. These resources are transforming lives :)

[@londonh1800]

My parents are incredible. I think that caused me to do well in school (still, my dad would spend every day re-teaching me what I zoned out in class about), as well as prevented my OCD from reaching a noticeable level until my 20s. When I went to college, my life almost fell apart. Once I got diagnosed, we talked about what we remembered about my childhood, as well as the many, many times I was reprimanded for “not listening” and “being too hyper” and “talking too much” and “being stuck in my own little world.” They had balanced discipline and gentle parenting, so I had a relatively great childhood. That’s why it was hard for them to believe I was actually struggling all along. I had developed perfectionism to the point of developing an anxiety disorder that would make me drop into a depression for months at a time. Now, I give myself grace when I mess up and enjoy the parts of adhd that contribute to my personality and strength. My parents don’t doubt me anymore, but at the same time it’s hard to talk to them about it since they still have to challenge their pre-conceived notions of what adhd actually looks like.

[@nekocat34]

I am a "gifted child" and have just been diagnosed with adhd at 22. The usual school problems didnt really apply to me because of how much I was able to compensate. On the other hand, the social problems/behaviours I had make perfect sense now and were the main factor in getting that diagnosis.

[@carlos7mh]

Yea, I think I can relate here. I managed to get to a great college. I implemented massive amounts of compensation, but it drained me constantly to the point of giving up a future career in medicine because I realized it would be basically impossible for me to “convince” my brain to remain focused during an entire med school career. It’s hard for me to maintain long-term interests so I’m still career hunting 8 years later. Didn’t help that my parents always expected top grades and still berated me for being lazy

[@nekocat34]

@@carlos7mh I'm also struggling a lot here. Not wanting to take meds, I feel like my brain is getting harder and harder to focus, and sometimes even struggling to think straight. Sometimes it feels like I am just completely shut down mentally.

[@latterdaycovenantliving]

having 2 kids with ADHD but also having ADHD myself this "structure" thing you speak of seems like a mythical beast. I hope I've done okay but I really don't know.

[@miranda2421r]

The only thing that has ever helped me get really structured and organized (not just playing pretend LOL), is the FlyLady system. I don't have kids (yet), but my husband has ADHD and I suspect I do too.

[@TBone4983]

I'm currently trying to find a good therapist who treats ADHD because people always say, "You need structure" but I don't even know where to start.

[@Dog3D]

I was class clown and very passively incompliant. I didn't take meds till I was 16, which is probably the best choice I made. My brother was on meds at a very young age and I think it hindered his social growth because of how much it can kill your ability to want to socialize. I know Dr. K is somewhat against Adderall/stimulant use unless it's a last resort but it's made my life so much better. I currently do a job I love and benefitted me in so many dimensions of my life. I just don't think you should be medicated at a super early age, especially when those years are so much about socialization than actually building towards college or higher education. I was also lucky enough to have an Asian mom who changed her authoritarian parenting style into one that was more supportive and understanding when she realized it wasn't working.

[@duncanbug]

I agree. I wish i got meds at your age. But if I was given them at like 6 years old I dunno....

[@broducer3520]

You talking about how your brother lossed his ability to want to socialize due to taking his meds early in life made me think about how I barely can socialize when I take my meds, hell, even when I don't I still don't feel like socializing.. I barely have any friends now and it's something I've cried to sleep about. I want to have people in my life that understand me besides family, and I cant have that because I cant socialize properly. It sucks. I'm 17 now, in 11th grade, and I got like 5 friends and they were all gained because I was just clowning around school and they talked to me first. I wish I could socialize with people in person like I can socialize with someone on discord, maybe I'm just so shy to say stuff when its actually in person.. I don't know. I wish I could've made more friends throughout my school days, because when school isn't there, what am I going to do.. I have no one to talk to :( and that is the stuff that makes me depressed. I want people to talk to, more than 5 that randomly hit me up once every other month. I actually look forward to the school days because it gets me out there and allows me the ability to socialize, but being on these meds just kills my whole mood. Because its like I want to socialize with all these people, but I mentally cant because meds took over the ways I think.

[@IntenseFoolishness]

@@broducer3520 i think that might be because your dosage is currently too high for you OR this is not the right medication for you! Talk to your psychiatrist about these symptoms because that isnt normal behavior for when youre medicated

[@TBone4983]

I got diagnosed at 30 and have been medicated for a little over a year now. Meds have been amazing for me in so many ways, but after being unmedicated for so long I can't quite shake the feeling of not *quite* being the person I was before. For example, I used to always be looking for new things to do, I was the kind of person who would think, "I've always wanted to go skydiving, I'm going to message my friends and ask if they want to go skydiving tomorrow!" And now, I go to work, do chores on the weekend, go to a bar with friends once a week, and that's pretty much it. Sure, my house is cleaner, I'm not searching for my keys every morning and I'm not annoying everyone by bombarding them with information about whatever my latest hyperfocus is. But I used to see people living this way and think, "Wow, how incredibly boring. I never want to be like that." So that's been a hard thing to look at. I think that, ideally, I want to take advantage of meds and find some ways to structure my life so that I'm not constantly fighting my ADHD at work and with day-to-day things, but eventually I want to wean myself off of meds and get some of my old self back.

[@bigboiwithakanabo5509]

I started taking adderall in 2nd grade and I’m in the same boat as ur brother, I stopped taking it around 8th grade and definitely face issues socializing now at 18. I find myself either completely disregarding or avoiding people and conversations now or the exact opposite where I’m way to social and can’t stop talking so it’s really tough to find a balance and I see myself pushing people away because of it sometimes. Luckily I’ve found a comfortable group of friends that understand I can be this way and I’ve been able to grow alot within this new space.

[@SchrodingerB0T]

My parents never acknowledged that I had ADD, I was just always called "lazy" and punished for not exceling in school, even now that im 24 and have a diagnosis, since it's an invisible illness in my case (none hyperactive) they dont see me act the same as my 8yr old niece :/ as a result my life has been much, much harder. I'm effectively teaching myself everything, they didnt bother to.

[@CJKenjii]

Yeah I had pretty much the same experience, I basically had to learn everything myself

[@LevmurQ_Q]

Same bro, same And nobody cares

[@fisicogamer1902]

I have autism and my parents are the same. They just pay good lipservice like good hypocrites they are, but in reality they just do whatever they want and I need to start the communication even though I have the communication issues, not them. Not counting the fact they are always trying to escape the responsibility of fucking me up and blaming me for not telling anything.

[@nicolaezenoaga9756]

To everybody here: Wau! I can't believe how many people are out there who do not deserve to be parents. The world as a whole should start making some VERY strict laws to control who can or can't become a parent.

[@nicolaezenoaga9756]

@@goober589 I know what it means.

[@Moose92411]

I have a 5.5-year-old who very much appears to have ADHD, and I’m super glad this video got made!

[@llareia]

As a woman late-diagnosed with ADHD, I absolutely believe my mother's high authoritative parenting style is responsible for most of the masking of my ADHD symptoms as a kid. She LOVES structures and ran a very structured and supportive household. High intelligence and interest in school played a part, too, but I think I still would have been screwed if it hadn't been for my mom. ❤

[@niko1even]

parenting has such a massive effect on adhd. My dad used to be very harsh with me when I was very young, however, after learning about ADHD and meeting a psychiatrist, he changed his parenting style and my life changed. Parents need to be much aware of ADHD

[@MaxRamos8]

My father contributed to my already low self esteem and thinking im stupid. All people with ADHD start of with low self esteem so he made it worse. Then he complains why I don't think positively and silence that inner voice. Tsk Tsk. I've forgiven him but the damage cannot be undone. ADHD is also Behavioral problems, not just social and attention.

[@niko1even]

@@MaxRamos8 I'm sorry to hear that. I hope things get better for you somehow.

[@papaschlumpf1390]

Shoutout to my parents who acually managed to not ruin me and were indeed able to show love and affection through my whole childhood. Turns out they used the authoritative parenting style. Man, my life could have been so so so much worse. Hooooly

[@danielle7729]

Could you give some examples of how they achieved that? Or what it could look like in a conversation, please. I have a daughter like this and I fear I am too hard on her. Pretty sure I have adhd as well, so I get frustrated easily

[@safeeffective385]

@@danielle7729 Go look up the "4 parenting styles" and focus on applying the Authoritative style (and NOT Authoritarian, Permissive, or Uninvolved styles).

[@safeeffective385]

@@danielle7729 Also, eliminate all breads, processed/junk/fried foods, sugar sodas/drinks, and eat only whole foods w as few ingredients as possible. Get some basic exercise and sunshine every day as well. This will help you both exponentially.

[@Blaineworld]

@@safeeffective385 after you start drinking it regularly, water becomes the best-tasting thing in existence (i am addicted to water)

[@Densoro]

I'm struggling my way through diagnosis at age 30, and it's confounded by attention disorders caused by _layers and layers of trauma._ My mom lives with me because neither of us make enough to survive on our own, and there are misunderstandings that _still_ exacerbate these attention issues: Thinking that lack of motivation means _lack of motive,_ so she wastes her time trying to convince me why doing what I need to do _would be a good idea -- to give me a motive._ I have my motive, I just don't have _motivation._ I want to do the thing, I just can't seem to, and if I push myself I just screw it up worse. Thinking that lack of 'object permanence' means we're like babies. I think 'object permanence' is a misleading shorthand, and a more accurate name would be _information availability._ When someone without ADHD has a word 'on the tip of their tongue' and they're frustrated by their inability to call it to mind, that's a lack of information availability -- and also, _every minute of my life._ God, I feel the passive noncompliance though. I struggle with it at work because I'll receive instructions, remember them for a good 10-40 minutes, and then forget them _right when I'm supposed to execute them._ People think I'm being willfully neglectful, not understanding that I'm wrestling my brain for information availability every millisecond of the day and they just caught me in the 30 seconds where I dropped the ball.

[@Bickinothome]

Your description of kids with adhd in the classroom was spot on. I stopped going to class in high school and just showed up for the tests. It was faster for me to skip class and hang out in the library, read the text book and learn the material on my own. Sitting through a class where I was distracted by what was going on around the room was a waste of time. I got kicked out of a lot of classes because I wasn’t paying attention, too. I missed a lot of surprise homework assignments and pop quizzes so my grades suffered (a lot) but the grades I got from tests were close to the top of the class. Cue the ‘If only she applied herself more’ narrative. I did much better in college where classes and assignments were given on the first day and I stopped missing the extra stuff and had time to finish them when my brain was ready to focus.

[@juxtapos1034]

this is like having asthma and your parents keep smoking in your face and blame you for coughing your lungs out.

[@JEM_Tank]

As someone who has adhd and is pretty sure one of their parents has it to, I'm ready for this

[@Jordan64852]

ADHD legit has a dominant gene, just having one is enough. My mom gave me so much shit for not having my emotions in check but she would be the first person to always scream :(

[@No.Cap_]

@@Jordan64852 I Just tried to sit down with my mother and show her this video.. she seen the title and thought it was a personal dig at her and immediately began berating me. Its tiring.

[@REChronic54]

I have a question for those with ADHD. Do you guys have a hard time getting into new interests or hobbies (or maybe there’s that new show that’s all the rave but you don’t want to get into it) because you’re very wary about developing a new obsession and the amount of energy you’re going to spend? Because I’ve always been like that. I tend to avoid things because I’m all or nothing. If I don’t have this overwhelming interest, I drop the hobby or whatever in an instant. But if I do, I become _heavily_ obsessed for months. So to clarify, I avoid interests because of my pension for obsessing but at the same time, it’s hard for me to get started because I’d have to expend x amount of energy to get to the reward value. I’m not diagnosed with ADHD but I’ve always felt signs that I wasn’t quite as normal as other people; adhd or not. So I wonder if this is an adhd trait.

[@woahhhaidan3706]

I have almost the opposite problem, when I find something interesting or become passionate about something, I lose interest very quickly. I have periods of 1-2 weeks where I'm super motivated about that one thing, and then completely lose interest.

[@LevmurQ_Q]

Same with woahhhaidan But im also has very long "depressive" periods when cant do anything but sleep. But as i should study i trying to overcome it. Usually this is so hard that i must selfharm myself

[@Lkabss]

Yeah sounds like it. Hard to control the impulse to stop watching something I want to watch. Binge watching is definitely something that happens. But at the same time if I'm bored by a show I'll just drop it in the middle of an episode and look for something else. It's part of a need for stimulation for me at least. So when it's particularly bad I'll watch the first few minutes of 5 shows in a day only to rewatch something, or I'll skip 80% of songs on spotify even though I loved them yesterday.

[@fisicogamer1902]

I think I don't have ADHD, but I know what you are talking about. I love learning languages so I tend to avoid hearing about new languages because I tend to go full obssessive on it and derail all my other projects that are going on

[@kfkkfk7995]

Yep, I'm very all or nothing, i'm going to use the most fitting example for me. I sometimes lose weeks of my life just playing a videogame to just drop it all of a sudden for no reason, so I have spent more than a year without playing videogames because I know that happens. I also have that happen to me with other projects, but I always make an effort to make them as productive as possible so I kind of go along with it (ex. Reading in a foreign language, learning a foreign language, gettin acquainted with a topic I wanted to...) but it sometimes becomes a problem as I'm in university so...yeah, fml

[@Rhekon]

49:05 is my relationship with my mom encapsulated; though I don't "sit in my room" half as much as she complains that I do. Also the world is on fire, and many are indoors finding other ways to be productive when they can't work. I was literally working out, sorting clothes, and then practicing piano and she dragged me for it cuz in her mind I was just "sitting in my room" while she was teaching classes online due to covid procedures, *at nine fucking AM*

[@atomicvinylreviews3420]

With the passive non-compliance point, I had this issue a lot growing up, except I would often say "ok" fully intending to actually do whatever was asked of me, but since I had ADHD I had a mental list of activities to do and that task would be on that mental waiting list while I was finishing off whatever I was in the middle of. Unfortunately almost every time my mum would get angry at me for not doing the thing, yet from my perspective I was literally just about to start... It was super stressful, but now with my diagnosis it makes a lot of sense for both me and my mum.

[@nozari28]

He forgot the ultimate neglectful "parent": low control and also low warmth.

[@Jedimasta21]

I'd send this video to my parents, but they'd probably just get mad at me for calling them bad parents.

[@rickwoods5274]

Can you somehow get it in front of their eyes anonymously? Longshot but worth thinking about

[@Symora]

They love to berate us for the problems we can’t control, but the moment we call them out for their bad parenting they were 100% in control of, even if it’s in a respectful way, it’s all over

[@eborgonje96]

I just send it to my parents. I know how easy it can be to resent your parents because of the experiences you have had and assume the worst. I think that your parents just like mine started at a position of love and care for you, but the relationship just becomes worse and worse. Without something breaking that cycle things might never change. If you show them the video with the intent to judge them and put the blame on them, you won't get them to reflect on their actions. Sending the video to hopefully spark a dialogue in a non judgmental way however, may work. I myself have asked my parents to watch this video together with me.

[@christen-wtf]

@@eborgonje96hope it goes well! it sounds like you’re going about it with exactly the right mindset. if i had that attitude + a video like this to show my parents when i was younger i would definitely have a better relationship with them.

[@ayerhead07]

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD at 32 and am struggling with grief about some of these patterns that were set in my childhood. This discussion really helped my understanding of how my mom was with me. It's still disappointing, and I'm still working on unlearning a lot of things, but this really helps with my framing of that situation. Thanks for doing these.

[@inspiritedchristian]

As a child of immigrants and being gauged for a possible ADHD diagnosis as an adult, I felt so attacked by Dr. K's description of the overprotective parenting style. (I wasn't allowed to date lol)

[@atruthseeker79]

His description of over protective parent is clearly influenced by western culture. I wouldn't take that part too seriously. Lol. There are probably other things from your culture that would legit fall into over protective parent. No idea what but there is probably something that fits....not the no dating rule though. Lol.

[@funy0n583]

everytime I watch a dr k video on the topic of adhd it's like he's describing my entire life

[@nolactose4841]

Same bro when he said the stuff about class clown I felt called out lol

[@OlySamRock]

SAME

[@sonymicronin]

@@nolactose4841 Dude the class clown part got me as well… Throughout kindergarten till Senior in high school the only times where I was poplar in a particular class or was very talkative where times where I was more of a clown screaming and saying stupid stuff constantly nearly daily. And the vast majority of the times years and classes where I wasn’t a class clown? Silent. Ghostlike even, I’d be one of the quiet kids you forget was even there if they missed a day and only talked when called on. It’s hella bizarre but now I know it means something….

[@The_favorite_Uncle]

@@sonymicronin Real

[@TylinaVespart]

Experiencing the dawning horror of being an adhd parent and having an adhd child and realising that not only were my parents awful but I’m not nearly as consistent as I wish I could be. Super.

[@TBone4983]

"When you give a kid a stimulant, it decreases authoritative parenting." See this in pretty much every post in ADHD parenting groups. I'd love share this video with the groups, but I'd get insta-banned for parent shaming.

[@blueso5351]

what does this mean?

[@TBone4983]

@@blueso5351 Oops, I wrote authoritarian but I meant authoritative. Edited now. What I see happen in these groups is that when kids have ADHD but aren't on medication, parents are asking for advice like "How do I help him not forget his homework when he leaves the house? How can I help her organize her room so it's not messy?" But then when kids get on medication it's like, "My kid talked back to me today, does he need a higher dose?" As if they think medication means they don't have to help their child manage their ADHD in other ways anymore.

[@nidysgwid2957]

I got diagnosed recently, I am 16 years old, after a psychiatrist mentioned ADHD to me. I told my Mother about what the psychiatrist had said about ADHD and she thought that he had gotten it wrong as did I, we then googled how it presents in girls, and it was like a eureka moment, both of us knew it. Since finding out that adhd was most likely the main cause of my problems over the years I was honestly so relieved. I finally had a reason I wasn’t just lazy or didn’t care. Knowing helped my self esteem so greatly. I know now that it’s not always in my control as to why I loose things constantly or forget important things or struggle to sit still and complete school work. Me and Mother have always bumped heads I’ve never gotten along with her, I have some sort of deep rooted hatred for her because she still will yell at me, tell me off, berate me and call me lazy. I know that to some extent I can help it but I can’t help but feel like it’s not my fault I’m not intentionally trying to be late. I can understand why she gets so frustrated with me and I understand that she loves me, it’s hard to get over how angry at her I am for constantly telling me off for something I can’t control even now when we know why. I had such an awful time with school and a lot of that had to do with the immense pressure and stress she put me under because of how slow and how far behind I was, I caught up and I think that because of the pressure she put on me, but I’m so angry about it, it’s like all this time she was make my life miserable all over something that I couldn’t help, and now she’s still doing it. I’m starting medication soon and I’m really hoping it will make a difference but I’m scared it won’t. And wouldn’t it be kind of disingenuous if mine and mother’s relationship is fixed because I’m put on medication. It’s like she’d be happy with not the real me..

[@Hoclem]

I’m 32 and grew up with a similar mother. It took years for me to learn *I* wasn’t the only problem. It sounds like your mom is emotionally dysregulated, which makes her reactive, rather than responsive. It’s perfectly normal that you feel anger toward her because she isn’t validating your struggle. I spent years intellectualizing why I *shouldnt* be angry at my parents because they put food on the table and *tried*. But sometimes our parents fail us in certain aspects, they’re only human. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, and if possible, find a creative outlet for them. It doesn’t make you a bad person, or ungrateful, or selfish. You gotta worry about YOUR emotional and wellbeing, not yours AND hers. Stay strong ❤️

[@Nimerian]

I had an authoritarian father and a permisive/overprotective mother as an ADD person. I was so fucked from the beginning. I guess I turned out ok but had extreme failures to launch till my 28...

[@MommyMoments855]

Thank you for your video Dr. K. I got diagnosed with ADHD a couple months ago and have been diagnosed with 3 different anxiety disorders when I was 17. I am 20 now. My parents are really warm and would be there to help me with everything but also overprotective. When I was young I had to sit at the dinner table to do my homework while my mom was cooking so she could watch over me and see if I was really studying. I kinda stared at my pages dreaming about everything but school because I was surrounded by my mum making noise, the radio on and the smell of food. After an hour of staring I would go up to my mom and smile while saying I'm all done. The next day I would pass the test by wonder. I think I just picked up a lot of random parts when the teacher was teaching her class and while looking at my pages I could store it somehow. But this is not studying, this is playing roulette and somehow I always got lucky. Fast forward I failed 4 semesters of university. Now I got a job and want to move out so I can start living my life and learning the things I would've had to learn if my parents didn't control or help me with everything. But guess what...they won't let me. They are so worried about me and want to keep me home until I have a degree. I can pay for it...and even if I couldn't I would take a tent and start living in the woods. Here at home I live between 4 walls...my parents say that I can just go downstairs and that it's also my house or that I can go out and come back late...but I would still have to see my parents. I would have to answer an array of questions like an interrogation. I don't have any friends anymore because we live kinda rural and because of covid I can't really make friends easily. Anyways...if someone else is in this situation...High five. TLDR; My parents are controlling and not letting me live my life which is resulting in worse and worse mental health.

[@alexlowe2054]

The most wonderful thing about being an adult is that your parents can't stop you. If you have a stable job, you can find somewhere to live and move out. You don't need their permission. You don't need their approval. You're an adult now. You are responsible for your own life, not them. If the situation is really bad, then you can keep your plans secret and let them know once you've already signed a legally binding agreement that requires you to move out. They can't stop you.

[@suides4810]

*~internet friends~☆

[@vivvy_0]

@@suides4810 what’s that

[@WaterCat5]

Not sure I agree with the "mature" decision being to forgive your parents because nobody taught them how to raise a kid. While some things are hard to intuit, literally ignoring your child seems like a pretty obvious thing to not do. Likewise, never teaching important life skills to your child also seems like a universally bad idea if you want them to succeed. It seems to me there are plenty of cases where an appeal to ignorance just doesn't make sense. The mature decision in these cases is to hold them accountable for their negligence, or at least thats what it seems to me.

[@guapocat203]

Sounds like the forgiveness would have to come from a genuine value or need - otherwise it would just feel obligatory out of fear of shame.

[@MCTV1000Faqs]

You don't forgive your parents for their sake, you forgive them for your sake. You forgive to let go of your resentment. You acknowledge that your parents did a shitty job, and move on. At least that's my understanding.

[@WaterCat5]

@@MCTV1000Faqs Yeah, I don't think that's "forgiving" them. It's about letting yourself be angry and forgiving yourself for being angry You deserve your anger. They do not deserve forgiveness without an actual apology.

[@Karloetzi]

I so agree with you. I think it‘s hard to understand what it feels like to grow up with parents that seriously did you wrong and severely failed to meet your need. I like to believe that a child deserves all of that. It just felt like Dr. K had a hard time not seeing this through a parent‘s perspective.

[@Alex-mc5yn]

Agreed, they aren't the first people to have kids.

[@ZeroPointAlpha]

Question: How does PTSD factor into this? On top of some traumas I seem to have repressed, there are others that I do remember involving a particular parent, and I can't help but wonder if it's why I have panic attacks every time I'm about to try to do something outside of my comfort zone because of an intense fear of failure.

[@ultravioletpisces3666]

44:20 I think a part of this is that you impose the limit (restriction, punishment, Etc) NOT in relation to your emotion. So you break a rule and the punishment is x (I’ll just say 5 minute time out). You don’t impose the punishment when that misbehavior pisses you off and then let it go because you aren’t that upset about it. (Same with how the strength of a kids emomtional reaction shouldn’t be related to the punishment - aka they cry so hard you decide they are punished enough and don’t make them sit in time out.) So the punishment is related to breaking the rule- not how mad the parent is that you broke the rule. (Kind of related but other factors- I knew a dad who was an alcoholic and when dad was drinking they knew perfectly well that they could do whatever they wanted because he didn’t care. But the point is that we make (and enforce) rules based on what’s good for our kids- not based on how we feel about what they are doing. So you’re not in trouble because mom is mad- you are in trouble because you did something that was harmful to yourself or others and the point is for you to learn NOT to do that harmful thing (as opposed to learning “not to make mom mad” which is probably going to lead to being a people pleaser rather than making best choices for self.

[@polyliker8065]

Here is something parents need to consider: frame of reference. I have adhd, got disgnosed in my mid 20s. My mother has the inattentive type like me and my sister is also hyperactive and we suspect my dad also has the hyperactive type but he never wanted to get himself checked out for it which is also a respectable decision. The thing is none of my parents ever suspected it before because 'hes just a kid, well behaved a bit of a dreamer but thats how kids are, he just needs to learn the same coping mechanism as i did.' And in comparison to my little sister I was less of a troublemaker. The point being, I have struggled all my life and got the help I need quite late simply because my sister was the more obvious case and my parents looked at me as normal because I was similar to them and 'thats just how people are, everyone stuggles with that'. Don't get me wrong, I was brought up in a very loving and caring household and I love and respect my parents for all that they did. I just wish I was aware of this sooner.

[@triplehelix3207]

my parents are very authoritarian, taking meds didn't stop it and any improvements I made usually enabled more treatment instead of prevented it so I just learned to shut my mouth and stay away from them at every opportunity because their "help" always served to make things harder. My dad always talks about how he knows what I'm going through and understands what I'm feeling because he's also severe ADD but then demonstrate he doesn't, makes it my problem if i don't agree, and then grandstands to me about it, especially when he started getting his own meds and just used it to complain that I'm not working hard enough. I've had to many times where my make promises, go back on them, and then tells me I'm the problem and they're never consistent with any of this behavior. I didn't fail out of college, i gave up because it was fucking worthless and i didn't learn anything in it and only got a piece of paper called an associates out of it

[@vivixio2737]

my parents dont understand ADHD at all. they know it exists, they know I have it, but they think I can just ignore it. same thing with my brother. They say things like "control your hyper focus" and "just ignore the ADHD" and "ADHD isn't an excuse not to get it done." they whole heartedly do not understand that I cant function like a normal person.

[@pamelaryan8753]

All of your information is on point! I spent 10 years researching all this for our son, who is now 21 years old in college, on meds….wish you were around( all info on ADHD) 20 years ago. My IEP meetings were worthless!

[@bagfootbandit8745]

My grades were high and my parents were authoritative. I was diagnosed as an adult 3 years ago. I still need stims to function as an adult, especially when I need to do boring job stuff. My parents def mitigated my symptoms, and I was able to repay the good parenting by seeking a diagnosis later when we *all* were going through issues. Helped out my parents when they got diagnosed too!

[@grilionreal]

This perfectly explained a ton of my problems with my parents, but I can´t show it to them, because while they are capable of translating the english, or even understanding the words, they would not understand and just call me lazy and say I always make excuses. That´s kind of a big part of why I feel like no one ever listens to me. Even if some people do, it´s just people who had the patience and kindness in them to get to know me enough to interact with me on a level that is comfortable to both. And the saddest part is that my parents are not on the list of those people.

[@connorm9176]

I noticed that in all four of those parenting styles that you listed, none of them mentioned the child being involved in the goal setting process. All of them where about making the child into what the parent wants them to be, with little room in what the child wants to be. In your examples it always started with the parent saying "you need to get As", and not "hey, colleges are gonna be paying attention to your grades now, what are your goals after you finish high school?". I think the mentality of parent shapes child is somewhat reflective of gerontocracy / adult supremacy. That's not to say that parents should not create structure for their kids, but the kids should be involved in the process of defining the structure. I understand that this may not be possible for really young kids, but I still think that it is important to give children some degree of self-determination and allowing them to be exposed to the natural (or sometimes societally imposed) consequences of their own choices, especially when they are older. This is something I wish I had a little bit more of when I was growing up, I think it would have helped me learn to adapt my life to ADHD. Is there a name for this kind of parenting? Any research on how this effects the well-being of ADHD kids? I imagine this is a difficult thing to measure, but it would still be interesting to see someone try.

[@vivvy_0]

our social environments aren’t supportive of this i feel

[@lysergicbliss4555]

There is actually research on this very subject! And indeed what you're proposing is much more effective for teaching children the skills necessary to manage their behavior. There's even an organization dedicated to bringing this method of child behavior management to classrooms and pediatric psychiatric wards and homes - the organization is called Lives in the Balance and they refer to the method they promote as "Collaborative and Proactive Solutions" so if you look them up or look up their childrearing strategy you should be able to find the information that you want about effectiveness. Note that the founder, Dr. Ross Greene, is somewhat anti-diagnostic labels (but not anti-medication) due to the fact that there's such heterogeneity in psychiatric disorder presentation that knowing someone has a label doesn't help you know how to help that specific person.

[@modestalchemist]

he was a bit wrong on the parenting styles. the 4 styles are: Authoritarian (high control/low warmth) think military dads, or tiger parents. Authoritative (high control/high warmth) this is actually the style that treats kids like actual people. they use reasoning and explain things, and ask the kids for input Permissive (low control/high warmth) cool parent, sure you can have your friends over on a school night, you didn't do your homework, no problem. Nintendo all day/night. Negligent (low control/low warmth) Literally absent. Drug addict parents. doesn't respond to kids needs at all.

[@laurag7547]

I really like this point you made!🍄

[@0mnislasher1]

t. child

[@John-uw2je]

My parents are nice, but were raised in typical Mexican households so whenever I asked simple questions would get annoyed, and when I was unmotivated they would call me lazy. I never got much guidance on how to interact with others because of this, and I usually would ask my questions on the internet instead because Google doesn’t care how many times I type in “how to pay off a credit card”

[@SlyNegress]

Phenomenal lecture! Woke up beating myself up about not being able to focus on doing something I've been trying to get done all week, but this insight has turned my day around! I honestly don't want to finish the project I've been working on and that's okay for right now 😌 I feel like the mental torment I subject myself to is just regurgitated banter from growing up with a single authoritarian/overprotective parent. Still living with her, I have truly found that standing up for myself and not allowing my parent to be my bully, works wonders in my capability to cope with my ADHD. Instead of bursting into tears after being yelled at and recycling her words in my mind for years to come, I now challenge her with things like "I understand what I did to upset you but do you even understand why you're upset right now?", Even if it confuses her or pisses her off and she yells more, when it's over and I recede into my room, I feel so much better about myself. Living each day with the thought, "either I'm going to teach my mom to be a better parent today or I'm going to teach myself how to become a better one along the way for my future children!" Thank you Dr.K for always giving us the knowledge to inspire mind altering epiphanies ☺️👏🏾

[@fatimaallawati947]

I have ADHD, my parents had an authoritarian style and then at age 13 they switched well mum did so that was a BIG thing. So you are saying that it can help you get better grades be more social. It JUST so happened that while she switched and while it was the pandemic my social skills improved, I DIDN'T know that this could be the explanation. I always thought it was about struggling alot and hence that gave me better empathy. Anyway, this year my procrastination increased for some unknown reason, I guess I have been more distractible but even if I remove my distractions, I feel like I will STILL have these beliefs about not wanting to study or it's boring and stuff from the distraction phase. DID the effect of the parenting shift wear out after 3-4 years? HELP Thankss

[@cameronb4160]

Diagnosed ADHD here. Definitely fit the shy bill. I excelled in school, but socially, I aggravated everyone because of my ADHD; making weird noises, poking, etc. Luckily, I was put on medication right before middle/high school. Parents refused to put me on Adderall, thank God. Took a good few years to find the right medication. Luckily, I found the right one for me about 3 years ago. It's low dose and all it does is balance me out without making me a zombie. It is difficult having to fully be responsible for myself in my first year of college, but with the support of my girlfriend, I think I'm doing a lot better than I could be. I'm working on blocking out my schedules and am trying to stop procrastinating like I tend to. ADHD isn't the end of the world guys. It's hard, it sucks, and it takes a lot of work. We all have to try to keep striving for self-discipline. I hope everyone's doing well. 👍

[@Dice-Z]

Don't forget it's a spectrum. ADHD might not be the end of the world for you, but it's not manageable for everyone, nor is help always accessible, for a variety of reasons.

[@cameronb4160]

@@Dice-Z You make a good point. I understand it has varying degrees of severity. Luckily, I've got one of the lesser degrees I believe. And it does suck with how common of a disease ADHD+ADD are there isn't more widespread support and attention for it. My mother grew up in the 80s and 90s with ADD and Dyslexia back when it was thought as "Oh, you just need to focus better." While I understand it may be world ending for others with higher degrees, I don't think we should spread the message of "There's no hope for you" because of how treatable it is. I don't necessarily like the high dose amphetamine treatments that are given to the severe cases, but there are other treatments that people can try. Personally, I paired mine with counseling to attempt to deal with the emotional issues that ADHD often brings. I do understand where you are coming from though. With how common ADHD/ADD really is, more attention needs to be brought to the subject along with more viable treatment options. While I don't think that people with ADHD/ADD should be treated "special", their problems and struggles should be acknowledged and have some solutions provided for.

[@shamelessmash156]

I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early thirties and then discovered my sister also had ADHD, meaning my parents had to deal with 2 of their 4 children having ADHD (possibly even 3), so hearing this lecture is very triggering because i'm recognizing so many of the toxic cycles that happened at home growing up, but has helped me understand SO MANY THINGS and hopefully I will be better equiped for my own children. Thank you for this video, it helped a lot (but caused a lot of tears too)

[@meganm4877]

Yikes; ADHD mom with ADHD daughter, struggling not to slip from authoritative into permissive but limited executive function makes it so hard to always enforce boundaries :/

[@fairygurl9269]

There's Better Tools and Support Developing and Improving At a Steady Pace. You Haven't Given up Yet!! Much Respect Look forward to your I am Amazed How much Better Life is Now Post. It's a Wonderful and Annoying Journey

[@novocaine09]

I feel you here, except mother with son. Also weird...My name is also Megan M. I really want to give my son a better chance than I had, but I have such a hard time always being structured.

[@asakadopp2462]

I am on the same boat, and I'm definitely on the permissive side. I need help myself to raise my daughter.

[@digitalspecter]

ADHD father with ADHD sons.. I find myself bouncing between permissive, authoritative and authoritarian .. it's so tough. I have hard time keeping my own life and things sorted out so sometimes I feel like how am I even supposed to be able to help others with this shit. I talk with my kids about living with ADHD and about the struggles we share. I just hope I can give them enough support so they can make it in their lives eventually.. and often I hope they can forgive me my shortcomings as a parent..

[@novocaine09]

@@digitalspecter exactly! I like to think if myself as more authoritative since I've been working hard on myself the last year and a half, but I do jump around. I believe I've mostly broken the authoritarian, but of course it comes out sometimes and then I apologize and explain why I was wrong. Along with an explanation of the feelings aren't wrong, just how I express them.

[@peeblejeeble6887]

Grew up in an authoritarian household after my mom died of cancer at 8. I was diagnosed shortly after. This was back in the early 2000s. I really envy all the tools kids have nowadays because back then all doctors would do was throw increasingly higher doses of a menagerie of meds to ‘fix it.’ By the time I was in high school I was on 100mg a day and vomiting every morning. And then, of course, my guardians didn’t make things any easier. I was threatened with abandonment from one and being told I was faking it for attention on the other. It’s taken decades to rebuild my confidence and make peace with my ADHD. I still take meds, but only 20mg bc I am honestly terrified for my heart’s health taking such high doses for years at such a young age. There’s already heart issues in my family so I’m just waiting for the shoe to drop.

[@joligra]

I know this has little to do with the adhd and parenting topic but I wanted to say the way you describe "checking in emotionally with your child" and the example you gave for it is really helpful for me. I have autism, and sometimes it's hard to explain to someone my emotions. Sometimes I'll be frustrated and others will think I'm upset at them, when in reality I'm really not (but I'll sound upset). Emotionally checking in is something I could use.

[@maurysiek]

huh, that puts my family experience in perspective. my experience being that i was mostly ignored and sometimes berated seemingly completely at random, always for not having done stuff that didn't occur to me 😄 ...looks like i might just not have heard any instructions 😅

[@legendteller4893]

My god, the amount of stress the dynamic of me and my dad (we both have it, surprise) have had on me is absolutely exhausting. How am I suppose to have any kind of straight-forward discussion when the person I'm talking with is mostly full of himself personal issue), doesn't understand when he himself is trailing off or messing up, jumps to conclusions and gets mad when someone deviates from his viewpoints. I was diagnosed around 10 years old and it's been a rollercoaster of depression ever since. Thank god though, that I've had much more control over my situation, but damn man.

[@etnova1646]

I saw one of the comments at 51:21 asking about how to parent multiple kids when one has ADHD and the other doesn't and I wanted to put my two cents in. Kids need different levels of parenting regardless of any diagnosis so communication is key. I'm a parent of a 7 year old daughter who has ADHD but my sister has it and I don't. Quick example is growing up my mom would sit us at the table to do our homework and most of her focus was on my sister and keeping her on task, but she was still there for me to ask for help if I needed it. There were times where I would feel left out because my sister was getting more attention and my sister would feel like she was being "babied" because I had more independence but my mom worked to create an environment where we both felt comfortable telling her these feelings and she would talk to us and adjust things according in that specific scenario. Its a juggling act for sure, but I would say to prioritize communication with your kids so that they feel comfortable telling you when they feel a certain way and be able to validate those feelings and open to adjusting how you handle scenarios. I didn't always feel ignored, and my sister didn't always feel babied, but when we did we were able to speak up on that and my mother would adjust.

[@GhostCastle88]

Hi HealthyGamer! Would love to see more on this. Would also be interested in the topic of BEING a parent with ADHD to Non-ADHD kids (or with ADHD kids as well, since it manifests differently in different cases). Keep up the great content!

[@thejamesbrothersband5491]

I had a teacher tell me “ I’ve been trying to figure out your mind since the 7th grade. I give up” lol everything you say hits home

[@xDarkVodka]

I have ADHD and another information you could have added about signals of someone with ADHD it's that is much easier to maintain a conversation with only one person than in a group. And I just noticed it by what you said. That it's so true that when I'm in a grupo I just pretend to be the clown, otherwise I get isolated... I have already tried no to be the clown, but by doing it I just feel so lonely since I can't create instigating conversation and even start to have problems with girls. So I just gave up and I will keep being a clown that it makes things easier...

[@Dice-Z]

That hits home.

[@Moose92411]

This video was a goddamn roller coaster for me. I’ve got sons who are 5.5 and 3.5, and I spent about the first 2.5 years as a parent being way too far toward the authoritarian end of the parenting spectrum. In the last couple years I’ve been working toward the authoritative corner, giving more support, especially to the older one, who has some social and behavioral issues including ADHD. I’m glad to have some objective feedback and some hope for the future.

[@nellnellom5577]

Damn, I really wish all parents with kids with ADHD knew this stuff! My older sibling has ADHD and they’re affected by the way our parents reacted to their bad grades to this day. I can’t help but wonder how things could have turned out if our parents had known about this information

[@tryingnot2bdumb]

Thank You So Much. so because we live with our parents throughout childhood, the issue of not properly helping your child/handling the challenges of adhd in a healthy manner with them can unfortunately cause a lot of years of, well, suffering. For both parties. And if you're a child to a family that can't accept wrongs or validate and understand mental disorders the gaslighting makes it worse. So this literally is such a healing video. SO HEALING to hear the thoughts of my 8-year-old self who understood the problems from the very beginning and knew it was wrong when i got called negative things by teachers and family.

[@natecote1058]

who the hell are you and where have you been? This is one of the most accurate and applicable videos on ADHD on youtube. I'll share this where I can. Had many people known these things 20-30 years ago, wouldve made growing up with ADHD much easier.

[@launacasey6513]

Female here. My mom did not provide me with structure or support, she raged, and tried to protect me from the world. Tell me I have nothing to work on! Only figured out the ADHD thing by 41.

[@ohsoverytired5635]

I know my parents tried but they absolutely made most of growing up an absolute nightmare. I was pretty smart and the biggest trouble I had was repetition in work. I understood concepts pretty fast but it was torture to repeat things over and over to prove I understood. There’s still a certain alarm tone that gives me ptsd and I don’t use that term lightly because my whole body freezes up like I’m about to get shot at. I heard that alarm everyday hours before school when I was absolutely exhausted and I knew I’d have to do homework until I left for school. I know it must’ve been hard for them too to have that schedule but for one the parent that did that would go to sleep as soon as we left for school as they were not the main provider. Every single day would be begging the entire car ride to not have to go just that one day. Begging to leave that school and just misery. Multiple times I tried to get expelled by breaking minor rules which I thought would lead to that but it just got more meetings with staff. I’m highschool I developed a higher social understanding but became absolutely bitter and got into excessive drinking and attempts to obtain drugs. Still managed too grades/ scholars list so parents didn’t have a reason to be suspicious. Now I’m at a point where I know I’ll never do anything with my life. I can barely get out of bed and can’t think clearly. I don’t know what exactly they could’ve done differently or where the point of no return happened but I’ve long given up on trying anymore.

[@megeles]

I love what you said about being honest with your kids! I tell my son all the time about why I don't want him doing certain things or how his actions are making me feel and it has helped him behave better.

[@justinassing158]

I wish I had Dr. K as my psychiatrist when growing up. I never really understood my ADHD, but recently, I've started watching his videos, and everything began to fall into place.

[@joudikolko1939]

Man u really changed how I think I though i just was weard, dissrestpetful and just not normal, but I got diagnosed with adhd not a long time ago after I watched ur video. Still tho my parent don’t understand and don’t believe there is something like adhd! Though I thank u A LOT!!👍❤️

[@erikjohansson3635]

This hit home. I´m ADHD and have a lot of anxiety and can see how I´m trying to handle my ADHD son isn´t correct. I feel like this can help me a lot in how I can try to improve in my parenting. Thanks man!

[@jazz_and_tea]

So glad, you have dived deep into this topic and put out that valuable content. Proper parenting with authoritative style requires a university degree, especially for those parents who weren’t raised in authoritative style when they were kids and have their own stuff to deal with. It is more difficult and complex than any job, career or profession out there and most of us know absolutely Nothing, Nada, Zero when they enter the parenthood. They just start figuring out things along the way and it is not easy at all. At the same time is true that no other generation before us had this free access to psychology, topics on personal development and understanding the human and children’s minds like we have now but the more I know, the more I see how much I still don’t know or with every new life situation which parenting inevitably brings with one needs to learn new skills and work on one’s own triggers so it’s a double work- regulating one’s own emotions and child’s emotions as well on top of taking care of all their other essential needs. It’s a whole bunch of responsibility and a lot of challenges to raise a whole independent and a holistically healthy human being who can navigate through life with a sense of purpose, determination, trust and resilience while being grateful for what they have and look forward to what they can achieve!

[@patrikcath1025]

Shoutout to my parents who taught me any sort of problem (especially related to attention or motivation) is absolutely my fault and nobody else's and that I just really enjoy being punished, because if I didn't like that I would have just done what I'm supposed to to not "deserve" the punishment

[@ingloriousgrey]

It's 5 am and I'm finally almost finish with this watch. I've been watching bits and pieces of this vid for days. This all really hits home on so many fronts and honestly I don't think I can unpack it all atm. I'm a single dad of 3, (2 girls and 1 boy) from ages 9 to 15. In the last year I discovered I have ADHD and not bipolar II which is what I've been told most of my adult life, (34). Anyway all of this was helpful for one just because it is good parenting advice regardless, but on top of that I believe my son may also have ADHD and even the girls have picked up habits or traits from spending so much time around me I think. The dynamic I want to ask about though is flipping this from the kid having the ADHD, to the parent having it. Your videos have helped me so much over the last few months and this one really got me in my feels and deep in my own head. The more I learn about my ADHD the more "ah ha moments" I have realizing why something happened the way it did, my relationship with my ex wife, my relationships with past friends who aren't friends anymore, all the jobs I've lost, the sheer amount of time I've spent so down at rock bottom, etc. all of the questions I've had over the last decade (probably longer but I don't remember because as a teen I had a drug problem) make sense to me now. Now that doesn't make my life any easier or the past any easier to think about but I feel it is teaching me to have a better future. With that in mind it is why I'm here, my kids and their futures are very important to me. I constantly wonder how bad I'm "screwing them up" because of my own problems for lack of a better word. Any parenting tips for me Dr. K? Sorry this isn't written the best I keep spacing out and thinking about all sorts of crap I have going on right now but I think I got what I wanted to get out, out. It may be all over the place as usual when I tell stories or explain things but yeah. You may never see this, regardless thank you for what you do! Much love to you and your fam.

[@needy3535]

You know I've kind of found the way my attention works almost functions best when I view things like a math problem almost. When I'm in an out of a conversation, I pick up key words that give me context or details, and because now I know I can do this pretty subconsciously it's pretty easy for me to not stress as much during conversations and I also have a mental catalog of good questions to ask that show interest and also clarify things I might Have missed. Too many unimportant details bore me. Give me the simplest list of bullet points to do a job, if there are special things that might happen,(like turn X thing this way instead of this way) and that's all I need to know.

[@fairygurl9269]

*Smiles I know this MO well. It is a decent System especially in Survival Modes, but worth Downloading Patches for Smoother More Enjoyable Game Play. ✌😉 Much Respect

[@needy3535]

@@fairygurl9269 ??

[@fairygurl9269]

@@needy3535 MO - Mode of Operation -Your Math Skills It's a Good System AND It Can Be Better

[@needy3535]

@@fairygurl9269 lol okay gotcha. MO means modus operandi btw

[@jthernandez6848]

I love this video it's like a description of things I went through and discovered in school. Sometimes I feel like people don't see ADHD sometimes because the signs of ADHD can be seen in almost any kid. For me, It became visible with recurring forgetfulness like losing things at school or constantly finding myself interrupting conversations. That's when I realized how people began to become visible irritated although for me it's something I was completely blind to know. It's just a very weird thing where it almost feels like you are bound to forget or miss something at any given moment. At least for me, that's how it felt.

[@John-uw2je]

I was always considered smart because I did relatively well in school. It was only once I enrolled in a non-ghetto charter high school that I realized I was putting in a ton of effort to be a c student in crappy schools. At that point the only motivation I had was to be as smart as my friends, which was tough.

[@sheikahblight]

I took some notes while watching, so I'm going to post them here so I don't lose them. Also so anyone can correct me if I misunderstood something. - Authoritative = Key - Structure + Supportive is the ideal parenting style for children with ADHD - Structure > Reactive - By having Structure, you can eliminate distractions that lead to Reactive responses - Don't be Reactive when setting up limits and boundaries - Ideal to set limits and boundaries before an opportunity to become Reactive - Acknowledge how you feel and don't hide it - Accept that things happen - Self-Care = Better Parenting - This can prevent damaging bombshells you and your child - Children with ADHD stress their parents - In turn, stressed parents can worsen their child's ADHD symptoms creating an endless cycle - This is neither the parents nor child's fault - Parents can become defensive if their parenting style is called to question - This causes parents to become hyper-sensitive to any and all criticism. - Be clear when discussing - Be sure to pause and clear up misunderstandings when they arise Let me know if there were any other important points I should include

[@Forbidden_0ne]

"I have ADHD but my dad knew I just needed my ass whooped." This was from a cashier I worked with for a short time before he was arrested with charges from the store we worked at.

[@destinyforreal9744]

I am sure that I have extreme ADHD. The more I watch this the more I realize it. No wonder things were so hard. Thank you its nice to have answers.

[@daq8596]

I think my parents had a bit of a mix between authoritative and controlling parenting, but also permissive. Kind of confusing. Ive developed anxious avoidant attachment aswell idk if thats got anything to do with it too

[@madeliner1682]

We are in the same boat brother

[@jflowization]

i’m 27 (m) and I’ve begun to get screened for both ADHD/Autism, tbh i never really considered having learning disabilities before, not until i tried joining the Military, i was screened there by doctors, and each and everyone of them would ask if i have ever been diagnosed for learning disabilities, i said no and asked why, very similar answer i received, “you show alot of signs” they said, and that i have a look about me that is common in individuals along side various other common symptoms, even thinking back, i was also working with a career councillor, and he even said he’s notice things about me as well that give off, and i quote “red flags” after that, i had to know, if all of the verbal abuse and feelings of being a burden to everyone had a reason for happening, and now it made me realize that i wasted my life and have no motivation to carry on, everything is bleak and it’s only getting worse as i’m getting older.

[@Elspm]

So as a person with ADHD who wants to become a parent someday but struggles to build structure into my own life how do I prepare to help someone else have structure?

[@novocaine09]

It's HARD. I didn't realize I had ADHD until after I had a child. I had a mental breakdown. I've been learning and trying to provide my son with the best chance. He also has ADHD. I would recommend not doing it until you are as prepared as possible and have your own ADHD under control.

[@duncanbug]

Honestly having an ADHD coach. I don't think I will have kids until I can afford coaching. I cannot build structure on my own. I need assistance with that. Even with meds it's the one thing that I truly need assistance. In the same way wheelchair bound people may need a helper.

[@FaalKoriim]

The trauma endured with horrible parenting as a child with ADHD was abhorrent. Trying to heal and recover from it at 28 has been awful and difficult, nearly impossible some days. I haven't figured out yet how to let go of the neglect and pain I was put through by my parents. I resent them both, despite logically understanding that, at least in the case of my mom, she tried. Logic doesn't help when it comes to emotions. And I struggle very much with emotions while logic comes to me easily. I'm stuck in the angry stage with no idea how to get out, and I am exhausted. I just want to let it go and move on already. I'm so tired of being angry and feeling hateful toward everything. I'm such a drag to be around some days, so I just isolate. And topping that off, after over years of consistent isolation, I've started to feel lonely with zero idea on how to mingle with people. 🤷

[@FaalKoriim]

Sorry for the rant. Got off track, too. 🤷

[@Mario_Lugo]

I wonder if you're unable to control your emotions as a result of the adhd, Dr. K mentioned something about emotions being controlled by the frontal lobes or something. It sucks, and I'm sorry you have been going through this. I hope things improve for you

[@a-fletcher]

My son is ADHD. I have for years thought I had ADHD (can't seem to get medical help to confirm). I also have MDD, so I laughed when you mentioned parental depression. So much of what you said about the symptoms of ADHD is so clearly shown in my son and in my childhood. Yes I was a class clown 🤣. My biggest struggle atm is that my parents are authoritative (maybe they are partly the first one) (do as I say cause I'm older so know better), and do not believe in ADHD and blame his mother's lack of structure for making him how he is. I will admit his mother is more permissive, have been trying to work on her control/boundaries. His mother and I are no longer together. I just wish I could give him everything he needs so he can succeed in life cause he has a massive heart and can be so clever.

[@ts25679]

I feel guilty that my brokenness contributed to my parents stress and distress, which in turn led to their divorce and the break down of our family.

[@TheBlueWiz]

I have 2 girls with this, I have made these mistakes. Knowing and remembering their struggle really helps, good talk.

[@Catstimesinfinity]

I'm 33 and just got diagnosed. What a relief knowing that I'm not broken and I just have to live differently. It's still hard to get passed being upset with how I was treated by everyone growing up. But I understand that people are human and I try to have compassion. I remember mom getting so mad that i couldn't clean my room. It was always so messy. She'd come check on me every half hour and I'd be distracted by something else. Mom got so mad about it that she ended up flipping a table in my room (that was covered in stuff) and screamed "now clean this shit up". I then developed the desire to slam my door over and over in defiance and they took my door away. So I ended up throwing my alarm clock at the wall over and over, denting the wall.

[@GhostBeatboxFugu]

The amount of helpful content you've done on ADHD has had a really positive impact on my ability to help myself and others. Thank you so much Dr. K.

[@marenking1849]

I got diagnosed when I was 12 got some meds but they didn't really work. Not only that but my mom convinced me that the doctor was lying to me and I didn't actually have it. 11 years later I am still suffering from never getting my ADHD properly treated in my childhood

[@TeamSenke]

Honestly my adhd isn't that bad. I got it treated tho.

[@Kknderbueno]

I feel like a parenting style is missing here: which is both low support and low expectations. I feel like for some parents, when the authoritarian parenting doesn’t work, they just kind of give up.

[@CentaurTesticles]

He didn't mention it because that's not parenting lol

[@vivvy_0]

@@CentaurTesticles :(

[@Kknderbueno]

@@CentaurTesticles I know you likely think this comment is clever and/or hilarious but psychologists who study parenting certainly consider it a parenting style given that they’ve named it and study it: uninvolved. I could absolutely see parents who are either authoritarian or uninvolved making a comment like yours, though 😀

[@xlilslankx1021]

@@Kknderbueno they were saying that if you give ip on parenting and are not involved in your child’s life and development, youre not parenting them, youre neglecting them.

[@B1Y1O1B]

This hit hard. My parents didn’t know how to handle me as a teenager with ADHD. I still love them so much but high school was a hard time. So my grandparents stepped in to provide me structure with homework and studying and I really attribute my success to them. They took the time to teach me things I really should have known about school and gently guide me in the right direction.

[@TheMexicanBeeneR]

I’d like to see a video where you discuss parents who have adhd and what’s the best tips for them to raise kids.

[@luthiervandros]

I have it and my 5yo has it. I wish I was diagnosed earlier. I regret having kids for their sake but at least I can understand him. I’m just getting myself help.

[@SeanHoltzman]

SO MUCH THIS!

[@SeanHoltzman]

​@@luthiervandros the youtube How To ADHD has a 2+hr vid discussing parenting when you both have adhd from 2020, I don't know if there's a newer one but that might be a helpful start

[@TopFurret]

My parents were very authoritarian but also extremely neglectful. I'm late diagnosed ADHD and autism. My parents don't believe in mental health and didn't believe me. I really wish they had worked on themselves before they started having kids.

[@andybanan1992]

got diagnosed as an adult, and the more i learn about ADHD the more i think its akin to stuff like asbergers and autism then to neurotypical people... kinda wish they would find a new name for it tho, adhd seems to give people such a wrong idea of what it really is

[@beccaburrington9196]

For me, I did well in school but the authoritarian voice was an internal monolog berating me to work harder. My ADHD was missed because my grades were fine, what decimated by the ADHD was my social interactions with family, classmates, and teachers. I wish I'd had treatment years before because I had good grades but was miserable and lonely. For me, the medication has helped my social interactions more than my ability to study.