HELP! My family are homophobic and I don't know how to come out!

[@Marigoldblu]

I have four sons. In their teens I told them if they feel they are gay then thats all right by me , they will still be my sons and will always love them.

[@LorraineinPNW]

Very well said! I "paved the way" for my younger family members who have come out. My family had a horrible reaction! My sister wouldn't even allow her kids to come over to my house, even though I am a teacher (she didn't want me to be a positive example of a lesbian). It was devastating! She has apologized too many times to count, 2/3 of her own kids are gay, and she is now an Ally. It took me being willing to forgive her though. We are very close now.

[@DawnDittberner]

I only have one son who is 25 and came out to me when he was a freshman in high school. He was 14. He said he always felt like he could tell me and I would love him no matter what. He was RIGHT! As a parent, I can never imagine not accepting who my child was. I believe he was born gay and had never choice. Just like I didn’t have a choice of being heterosexual. My son is engaged and his fiancée is like a second son to me. Great job with this topic. Breaks my heart what some people have to go through.

[@rasferrastfarian739]

Unfortunately so many of us have had bad family reactions. It is said "you can't choose your family and but can choose your friends" and "family isn't always those that you are related too".

[@ajaxon319pldunbar]

I'm glad you mentioned that this video might be triggering. Indeed it was for me. Wow. Glad you tackled the topic so well. It's a shame that family can be so loving & supportive...until you don't follow their vision/version of you. I like that you both mentioned about giving people a second chance which is hard but resonates with my soul. Thank you.

[@mfish3190]

These chats are really helpful. Your responses consistently seem to be very genuine, thoughtful, caring, and practical. I like that at the end of these videos, I walk away the majority of the time with an actionable next step to take or clear and maybe new ideas to think about. Thanks for all of your time, effort, and care you spend on your content. Greatly appreciated.

[@richardorchard8554]

These less formal shot from home episodes are good. Don’t worry about studios, these are good.

[@happyhealthyhomo]

So glad you enjoy our Helpful Homo series! We like making them too! It's nice to not have to use a studio for them too.

[@franktreml3145]

I came out in 1992. It was very different then. Us gays need to think about this differently. When we come out we SHOULD NOT ask permission from family members! We should simply state who we are and if they react badly say ‘TOUGH IT IS MY LIFE’. Do NOT ask permission gays!!

[@dougemerson5059]

I think your advice on this topic is spot on. I was fortunate to have grown up in a very liberal community. My mom worked in a college theatre. She was surrounded by gays. When I came out to her in the mid 1970's, she made it so.easy. She only worried because she knew how hard "that lifestyle" was. I am so blessed to have seen so much progress with gay rights in the USA as well as the world. Bravo for your message of safety in community. Keep up your positive influence and advice.❤❤❤

[@gregorytoner6488]

I came out when I was 17 … i am now 61… it did not go well all these years later it is fine and I have a relationship with my family but, I choose my family… if they think the way this young man’s family does they don’t love YOU who you truly are … I left my family at 17 (except my maternal grandmother she always accepted me) it is their loss I made my own family … it is sad and hard but move on … that’s my opinion 😊

[@kevinsims8794]

I think with Harry coming out I believe him telling his mum is very strong and be proud that he is being honest to himself. And his friends will carry him thru all of what he is gong thru. Just remember be PROUD of yourself,

[@orielwiggins2225]

Great question. Super tough situation. And big hugs to Harry. Here's to gaining the community, support, and resources to be fully yourself when and where life and circumstances allow it safely. Take heart, even tho no one can promise your family will come around, you may be fortunate to gain the support you need to walk thru that difficulty and grief when you're ready. Big love to you and yours. And here's hoping their hearts soften and love you regardless of their fully agreeing with your sexuality and here's to that turning into fully loving you for ALL of who you are.

[@tonybennett4159]

It's important not to internalise the negative statements your family has made about you. They do NOT apply to you, they are a manifestation of a lack of knowledge and understanding on their part. Some people will not wish to open themselves up to understanding and knowledge, and if they remain obdurate, remember that you can make a new family group of those who love and accept you. This is the beginning of your adult life, don't start it as a damaged individual, hold your head high and be proud.

[@richardbuckwalter8571]

You gave alot of good advice in this episode!! I was outed as gay by a family member who saw me coming out of a gay bar. As a result, most of my family have rejected me. As difficult as this is, it feels great that I am now free to be 100 percent me. I am moving on with people who love and accept me for who I am. I hold on to the hope that my family will come around and be accepting one day. Keegan not only are you extremely humble, 😂 you are extremely lovable!! I need a big cuddly teddy bear like yourself!! Just sayin. ❤🌈❤

[@happyhealthyhomo]

That sucks! Glad to hear you can live more authentically now though!

[@royabbs7377]

It's strange, the many ways in which this can play out. I started coming out in my mid twenties. First to myself, then friends, then work and lastly my family. The last not until I turned thirty. Nothing unusual in that I guess, but the thing is, I left home in my early twenties and was fortunate enough to be completely independent soon after. At that point I cut my family almost completely out of my life. Not for anything they knowingly did, but I think with hindsight, due to my internalised homophobia. Once, many years later, I was comfortable in my own skin (to use Keegan's term) I was able to renew contact and be completely open with my family. For many I think, the process of coming out, cannot happen within a family environment. In the words of the song "the answers you seek can never be found at home". Which is why that particular song remains so special to me.

[@happyhealthyhomo]

Thank you for sharing your story with us, that sounds like quite a rollercoaster. I hope your family relationships are better now!

[@royabbs7377]

@@happyhealthyhomo Not really a Rollercoaster, more like a progression. My main point, I think, is that it can take as many years to shed internalised homophobia, as the years it took to accumulate it. It's a slow process.

[@joemalick]

I think the best advice for Harry is to take his time and come out to his family when he feels safe and ready. It’s very hard at 19 not to still want your parents’ love and approval, and so maybe now is not the time to broach that subject. I feel for him, and hope that his family can come around and accept him for who he is, since he is the same person before or after telling them. ❤

[@hubertl75]

It was quite upsetting to listen to your coming-out segment. It made my experience feel like yesterday. It shattered my life totally! It took me 10 long years to get over it but I would never, ever wish that to happen to anyone. Keep up the great work guys. Really, really appreciate it 🙂. Hugsxxx

[@happyhealthyhomo]

It's triggering for a lot of people, but we think talking about it helps a bit! Thank you for supporting us!

[@joefly82]

Make sure you are financially independent, done with school, have at least a couple good friends you can rely on for support. Once you have all that, decide if/when/ how you let your parents into your life.

[@gregstewart6126]

Excellent show guys! It took me years- stop seeing yourself through others (family etc) eyes. It’s the toughest lesson in life. “Make your own kind of music” by Cass Elliot is a song that always sets me right.

[@Foggydays-b8z]

Hi guys, maybe a bit off topic. Id come out to my very religious parents many years ago. They hated me for it During the first Covid lockdown. Out of misplaced loyalty id thoutght Id move back in to help them BAD BAD MOVE they treated me absolutely horribly (no surprise there). I could only leave the house for 15 minutes for exercise. I was having online counseling with my therapist Maria L I began to realize more and more. Finally the penny dropped that was it. I left, and broke contact with them last year. Many many thanks to Maria L my therapist. ❤Much luck and best wishes to anyone struggling with coming out ❤️

[@dubon9999]

I grew up in a society where majority of the people is homophobe, even my family and despite that I have always been strong about my sexuality. No matter what people think, I'm Gay and I will be how I really am 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈 But obviously I'm careful with homophobes cause they can be dangerous.

[@sergedyotte9337]

don't have your parents determined your future...if you decide to come out except that they might not approve..and that's on their decision...find yourself a new family in the queer community because they will always accept and have your back....i learn it this way ..and i now feel so much love from my friends ...don't need to live for my parents obligations

[@nicholashodson5508]

Harry! Listen up young man. It is your life. Come out on your terms. You don't owe it to anyone but YOUR SELF. You your time, when you feel ready. Its different for all of us, the family dynamics are different and there are so many aspects to consider, but at the foundation of all of that, it that you must put your self first, your needs first if thats the view of your parents. I felt, for the first time, Joel was a bit out of touch, he had a gay sibling come out prior to him that paved the way, or at the very least soften the blow. Harry, I'm 40 and I've heard it all. I came out to my mother and sisters when I was 19 and not until I was 27 to my Dad as I was afraid of his response. Guess wha!?!?! Dad was the most accepting of all of them by a long shot! Stand in your own strength young lad, do what feels right for you, not for others and whilst the road may deviate or be rockier than you'd expected, time may be what your family needs. To digest. To realise they still love their son. They will either comes or their senses or they won't. And that is on them, not you. You are not a disappointment. Just put your head on your pillow each night knowing you did your best on any given day. You've got this this Harry!

[@happyhealthyhomo]

We loved reading this story, thank you for sharing!

[@nicholashodson5508]

@@happyhealthyhomo Thank you for reading! I love watching & listening to you guys, If you're in Melbourne and wanna know what great coffee tastes like, hit me up! 🤣🤣

[@colleensnyder8943]

Mothers respond to circumstances in a few ways; nurturing, safety, protection, to name a few. All are based in fear. Will I give my children everything they need to survive life. Am I equipped to keep them safe. Are my arms wide enough to protect them from influences that go against my morals and beliefs. They are all based in fear. Give your mom time to process your conversation and her response. She may come to you in the future and offer her explanation on her fears. Be prepared for that and choose wisely your words and the tone of your response. Remember that you cannot control others but you can control your response. And, give yourself Grace. ❤

[@dudieb]

I am 73 so whren I came out society was totaly a different animal. I am stubborn and it is all about me so I was not going to play games. I completely expected my WW2 ex-marine dad to go off and my, what I thought was my very liberal, mom to be OK with it. It was actually the opposite. Like Keegan’s mom my mom said it made her sick. But me being the self centered brat I was, my opinion was they owed me and I was indignant at their attidue so I didn’t speak to them for a while. It eventually worked itself out and they were fine with it after some time. I agree Homophobia is wrong no matter what, but I think I could have been a little less rigid and been a little more sympathetic to their shock. Joel, I don’t know how your parents would feel about it but I think it would great for everyone to get the other side of this subject. We only hear about the people coming out. If not your parents maybe you could have some other parents on the podcast to speak about their experience of coming to terms with this. No angry parents just someone who could speak intelligently about this. Just a thought.

[@Mcfreddo]

The guy's family doesn't love him. After that comment the mother made is her thinking only for herself. She is disgusting!

[@MicharlMcGarry-pn1fd]

Great Video! Michael McGarry

[@hugshoney3409]

Based on what took place, I think that he should work and build himself up to his independence. Get in his own world, then, if he feels that he must, then he can revisit with his family. He could move away and live his life without the drama if he desire that as well.

[@simongoodwin5253]

Christ Almighty! I had nothing from my family but love and acceptance when I came out 40 years ago. My heart bleeds for this individual. I am so sad that his family couldn't accept his sexuallity, especially today! My younger nieces and nephew really don't give a proverbial. My Devout Christian Parents don't give a proverbial. They love me for me., regardless of my sexuallity. I still consider myself as Gay, even though I haven't been active for the last four years. Move on. If they can't accept your sexuallity, move to the background and make a new family.

[@veggieaussiechick]

I’m not gay but it’s 2023, I don’t know why parents have a problem with their children being gay. Sorry you don’t really have a relationship with your mum Keegan. Hopefully in the future that’ll change 🙂.

[@kennixox262]

Good topic: Religion is a horrible thing when it becomes so judgmental.

[@GrotrianSeiler]

You need to let the family go. It isn’t worth it. Life is too short. If they don’t love and accept you, move on. If they come around someday, great. If not, you haven’t wasted your life on ignorance.

[@dragonmcea]

thanks guys! is your gay brother single>

[@robertrawley1115]

Keegan & Joel, A gay child or children could likely mean the end of a bloodline. It could mean there's something wrong with that bloodline...that it doesn't need to survive, it shouldn't survive. Could that be part of why parents reject their gay kids, (at least initially) even if the parents aren't thinking that so directly? *There's nothing wrong with my family.* Since you two live in the land of Charles Darwin maybe this thought process will be more understandable, even if way off base? Many religious families have a Bible that records generations of family history. Many non-religious people today seem obsessed with genealogical ancestry. It's just crossed my mind a number of times and I wonder if you or any of your audience have ever traveled down that path of thinking? Or, Is this just another excuse or crutch to justify family homophobia?

[@luminiferous1960]

Since it would be highly unusual for parents to call their adult child a horrid disappointment if the adult child told them that they had been to a doctor and found out that they were infertile, which might end the family bloodline, I think your proposed reason why some parents may reject their homosexual child is "just another excuse or crutch to justify family homophobia" if it were ever given as a reason for such rejection. It's also a very lame excuse anyway since with modern artificial insemination, in vitro fertilization, and surrogate mothers, being homosexual does not necessarily mean the end of the bloodline even if the homosexual is an only child. If the homosexual is not an only child, then the bloodline can continue through a sibling even if the homosexual does not have any biological children, so that excuse would not apply in that situation anyway. It is true that many parents might express disappointment at the possibility of not being grandparents if their only child were infertile or just decided not to ever have children, but that disappointment usually does not lead to the parents rejecting the child. It is also true that parents may express that as a disappointment when they find out their child is homosexual because they automatically think that it precludes the homosexual child from having children. However, that is just a result of their ignorance, which can be corrected if their homosexual child tells them that homosexuality does not preclude having biological children through artificial insemination, in vitro fertilization, and surrogate motherhood if their homosexual child so chooses, and that it does not preclude adopting children if their homosexual child chooses that instead. If the homosexual child chooses not to have children, then the parents will just have to be disappointed since it is the child's decision to make not the parents. Moreover, such disappointment would not lead to rejection of the homosexual child unless the parent is homophobic.

[@robertrawley1115]

@@luminiferous1960 Comprehensive! *As a kid I hoped I was helping end my father's bloodline bc of the type man he was...a homophobic wife beater.* I just always wondered if he knew his line was ending and whether it might have bothered him.

[@ED-zc2um]

Hi guys, I have to say the work you are doing on your podcasts is superb. Both of you are providing considered and responsible advice in your vids, and hopefully your channel will grow to be the perfect go-to for anyone in the LBGT community that are struggling with issues. Keep up the good work. E x