Here’s Why Women Are So Mean to Other Women

I was asked by an audience member at a conference recently "Why are women so mean to other women?" What a doozy of a question! Here's my answer.
Watch this next:
The Most Effective Way to Deal With Passive Aggressive Behavior: • The Most Effective Way...
More on how to deal with passive aggressive people: www.lianedavey.com/how-to-dea...
The importance of resolving conflict at work: www.lianedavey.com/the-import...
My book on using productive conflict to get your team and organization back on track:
www.lianedavey.com/goodfight/
About me:
I've never climbed Mount Everest (and never will). So far, I've never been in space. I don't even have an Olympic gold medal (although I did win the grade 9 Phys Ed award). But the prize for solving the most difficult team challenges is named after me (no, not really, but someday it probably will be).
For the past 25 years, I've researched and advised teams on how to achieve high performance. Known as the “teamwork doctor,” I've worked with teams from the frontlines to the boardroom, across a variety of industries, and around the globe from Boston to Bangkok. In working with hundreds of teams, including 26 Global Fortune 500 companies (and counting), I've developed a unique perspective on the challenges that teams face - and how to solve them.
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#conflictmanagement #passiveaggressive #womenleaders

[@onyxlotus7126]

I don't hang out with too many women. The cruelest things ever done or said to me were done/said by other women. I've had to deal with other women hating me all my life. Men are no better, they can be just as cruel. I stay to myself for the most part & I don't put anything passed anybody. People are capable of all sorts of evil cruel behavior. I know from experience. I've had to deal with my own mother hating on me & being nasty from an early age. People in general are horrible creatures.

[@i_only_simp_for_myself800]

Exactly. I hate how people be like: men are nicer and more honest . Bullshit. Men gossip, backstab and betray as much as women. I have been bullied by both men and women, ( ironically the guys were catty and spread gossips about me, and the girls were straight up agressive and mean). Women saying that men treat them better are straight up delusional and naive. They’re only nicer to them, because they usually want something or they find her attractive, but that’s not friendship at all, but most of these women are aware of it, since they love the attention they get by only hanging out with men. Good people exist in both men and women, but they’re super rare.

[@onyxlotus7126]

@@i_only_simp_for_myself800 everything you said you spot on!!!

[@sigmasiren777]

@@i_only_simp_for_myself800 wholeheartedly agree!!

[@mitchadmiral1210]

The problem might be you. Just reading how you type this out, sounds like genuine disdain.

[@mitchadmiral1210]

You may need to seek mental help.

[@kainami9520]

Even as a child I was mistreated by fully grown adults, I had no idea why. It just happens no matter where I go, even my supposed "friends" and even my own family members would treat me horribly and talk behind my back. I started to keep to myself and not go out anywhere.

[@jade5615]

I am in the exact same boat. I’ve had aunties, uncles and cousins on both sides of my family express jealousy and passive aggressiveness since I was a baby. That pattern has followed me into adulthood unfortunately. I’m a good person, so it confuses me, so I only hang out with my husband now. I don’t need friends.

[@lovelystarchild]

Same here. I had to deal with being abused, mistreated & slandered by my own family. Then bullied in school & even bullied as an adult. Then I've had to deal with people blaming ME for other people's behavior towards me when I talk about the things that I personally have experienced. I stay to myself, I don't want to hang out with anyone nor do I want "friends" or a relationship. The only time I feel any kind of happiness or peace is when I am by myself. I have gotten to the point where I really don't like to even be around people. In my personal opinion, the vast majority of people suck, most people are really NOT good people. Most people are pieces of 💩 at their core. After all of the abuse & mistreatment I have endured off of people, I stand firm on what I said.

[@Yayoj81]

That’s exactly what they want is to alienate you because you are a real threat to them. I have experienced this my entire life.

[@jenniferdavis1620]

My mother's family hates me. My jobs are just jobs because women hang onto emotional abuse and like to single out one so they can form work chic flicks. Eomenlike emotional abuse all types because she gets what she wants while the woman. Who works on her individual beliefs holds a sack of shit. Horrible truth of life. And some woman is reading this going that's not true when she is the guilty party.

[@mormar8608]

She is so right. How I deal with it. I stopped dealing with women all together men can be nasty too but no where as nasty as a woman

[@miekam9675]

It's real and fake in this world, and most people are fake so I keep real men and women around.

[@beanlegume9965]

People need to learn how to stand up to female bullies, and passive aggressive people in general. I stood up to a passive aggressive "man" one time at work and my bosses didn't punish me at all. In fact, we both ended up getting rewarded (not because of the conflict, but just because of our accomplishments).

[@waitnotable]

men are sexually attracted to women not nasty oky .

[@untitle161]

Thank you

[@lifeslessons9889]

Absolutely..that’s why I prefer men’s company anyway over a women’s … I seemed to of been despised by women all my life ..including my own mother and sister

[@lisabee1260]

I’m currently dealing with this a lot at work. In my department there are a lot more women than there are men and they are more concerned about things that don’t even pertain to work …like who am I dating? The purses that I carry …. How cute I think I am, etc.. It has become so bad that the entire office has become toxic. One of the main culprits is now sleeping with the department head and now she thinks everyone is out to get her guy that nobody wants even though he’s married.😏 I’ve never really been popular with women not even with the ones in my family I try not to internalize it so much, but it made me question myself a lot. But I get along a lot better with men. There’s only a few exceptional females that manage to befriend me. It’s so exhausting.

[@DrLianeDavey]

Lisa, that sucks. I hope you find a strong community (even if it's small) of like-minded people who prioritize work over personal drama. And enjoy those exceptional females...they're such great colleagues to have.

[@gingerbee6719]

I am middle aged woman, and women have always hated me in all areas of my life... At this Juncture, I give up, too much stress to try and be nice. I swear I am a Psycho Magnet it is very very Bizarre.... Even my Partner is Perplexed by it...😨👹👿

[@majlordag1889]

I can't say that all women hate me cause it wouldn't be true but I feel like 50% of women hate me and it's exhausting, I'm not conventionally attractive so it's not true that women only hate in attractive women they see as competition, rather I'm hated for not looking like their ideals and being anxious and socially awkward

[@ItsNicola]

Likewise Ginger, I have a small group of two women now that I’m quite close to but I’m hesitant to let anyone else in. Far too much cattiness, gossiping and competitiveness for my liking - I have no interest in any of the above

[@incacolagirl1450]

I really prefer to work with men. What you see is what you get, it's sooo easy. I don't know why women are so mean to each other. I am being harassed by a passel of mean girls in my teaching job and I all I want to do is quit my job and go work in construction and hold the "Stop/Slow" sign.

[@jameystone2650]

@@incacolagirl1450 If these women aren't the type you would have in your home then certainly don't let them into your mind. Enjoy your job and enjoy the fact that you bother them without even trying.

[@mysteryandmeaning297]

Not your fault think

[@kahlodiego5299]

I'm too angry about my lifelong abuse from other women TO EVEN LISTEN TO THIS.

[@DrLianeDavey]

I'm sorry that you've had that experience. It's such a waste when women don't support one another.

[@bernicep1612]

I’m sorry you went thru a hard experience Kahlodiego 💟I hope you’re doing well now.

[@missmelodyjoy]

Really like this concept. This brings to light for me why I struggle with making female friends and even some male friends who engage in similar behavior. A lot of women try to form friendships through gossiping about others and I have never wanted to be a part of that. I really like your idea about just being open with constructive criticism.

[@DrLianeDavey]

I completely understand the choice to not want to gossip. One other strategy that helps is to be open to people venting but not to people gossiping. Here's the difference... hbr.org/2016/11/how-to-tell-the-difference-between-venting-and-office-gossip

[@bittertea]

I saw this as a woman. In my experience, in high in medicine (which is female dominated), technology and aerospace (which is male dominated). I feel the common factor of women attacking me is achievement (queen bee syndrome) but also they are stressed out. Before, I was like, okay I understand you are stressed. I get stressed sometimes so I will hear you out and let you vent. I will not tell anyone. (I am honest one.) I got you girl. After a while, they are stressed about problem X. I feel they become angry and they just lash out at the nearest person. (A lot of the time it is me who has gotten their back and listen to them and their venting this whole time.) What did I do? Other then just be there for you... sorry I don't have the power to solve problem x? Those women who cannot handle their emotions, you need to just give up on them. I mean we all have bad days, but why are you lashing out on the person who always had your back. They do not even recognize how toxic and deny it. Honestly, they will not change. Give up.

[@Ranger-ly5qf]

That’s most Women in a nutshell.

[@landofashley]

Women are learning sarcasm now? No I was definitely born like this.

[@christopherluvsaidan67]

I hate amd have no respect for two faced or passive aggressive women. I would say if they have something bad to say to me. Say it to my face because I have no problem confronting people or tell people like it is.

[@DrLianeDavey]

Agreed. Passive-aggressiveness is so hard to deal with. Say difficult things with kindness...much better than acting friendly to your face and bad-mouthing you behind your back.

[@user-s3ts8my2x]

That's how I feel

[@mstwelvedeadlycyns]

Likewise

[@beanlegume9965]

This lady is out of her mind if she thinks this "Queen bee" syndrome is coming to an end. It's not women bosses, its all categories of women who are capable of being bullies. Its not about them being taught to be nice and get along; its about no one ever standing up to girls because they're afraid to make them cry. Boys are taught to stand up to male bullies. Girls are not necessarily taught, but at least applauded when they stand up to male bullies. Girls aren't taught how to stand up to female bullies, largely because female bullies are kind of treated like unicorns. Boys aren't taught how to stand up to female bullies, and are usually blamed whenever they stand up to female bullies. Nowadays, many more "men" (straight or gay) exhibit the same passive aggresive behaviour that mean women do. In the old days, men would stand up for other women against female bullies. Now, men are often afraid to because they think they will be demonized by any witnesses.

[@SanctuaryGoodLife]

Um, no they're not (applauded). Girls are typically punished for standing up for themselves to male bullies. I wasn't even allowed to stand up for other kids, including boys, against male bullies. Nevermind for myself. And that was in ALL of my groups and situations, and even as an adult. And that includes on the internet, and it includes among both men and women, and both "left" and "right". But yeah that's very true, that men used to stand up for women getting bullied, whether against other men or other women. That's one of the reasons there was less bullying in the first place, people were afraid of the reaction of a woman's male friends, relatives or partner, so they would curb their asshat behavior, and make an effort to act decently. But now, since it's so rare for men to stand up for their sisters, Moms, wives, daughters, friends, acquaintances, no one is afraid anymore to treat people like garbage. ( Unless they see something in it for them, that is. Which actually brings up the newish epidemic of adult children pretending to "protect" their elderly parent or relative from their siblings, or from others, in order to get control over the elderly person's assets, or even just to become the "favorite" at long last, or to destroy a sibling's reputation who really DID care and help. ). And a lot of men now will just go along with bullying, or instigate it, like you said. I haven't had many men in my life since my Dad standing up for me, against ANY bullies. My ex did it for a while, which was amazing, but then he started going along with them too. I'm so glad to have a couple of them still in my life. I have two male friends who have a hard time standing up for their own daughters against their own partners. (One is gay, one is straight, so one male partner and one female partner ~ same thing).

[@kaleidojess]

I find women and girls who feel they don't have anything going for themselves or who lack confidence act this way. It's so annoying. I wish these type of women would grow up.

[@DrLianeDavey]

I agree that it's annoying. I try to respond by being empathetic (I don't always succeed). There are many forces in the world making it hard for women to believe in themselves.

[@kaleidojess]

@@DrLianeDavey I do also try to be patient with them, so I try to understand why and I find it helps a bit. Great video btw ✨️

[@DrLianeDavey]

@@kaleidojess Thanks!

[@debbieharriman9146]

That's why I don't have any lady friends.

[@vivianaqyarko6777]

its so sad but i dont blame you is too much stress

[@Fawning11]

YES!

[@MysticK111]

That is not a good thing. I totally understand where you’re coming from because, what woman hasn’t had a bad experience with other women? But at the same time, it’s kind of weird for women to say that they don’t have any lady friends because how can a woman not have other women as friends. Not every woman is an enemy, and you can totally find women who can be a true friend to you. ☮️

[@PK-zf9zu]

Same here

[@naimaderilus3524]

As a young woman and let me tell you somethinng, women and girls who hate on other women and girls or tear them down are like this,mean and hateful and their enemies are women. These women see you as a competition or wants the male validation (pick me) or have internalized misogyny. These women are jealous because you might have something they don't. Lady to lady,these type of women should be avoided.

[@oldishandwoke-ish1181]

Dorothy Parker put it best: if you can't say anything nice, come and sit next to me.

[@albertatlock]

I work with women and I love observing them pull each other to bits behind their backs. As the only male in office it's extremely entertaining.

[@DrLianeDavey]

Ugh, Garry, that's so hard to hear, and yet I relate. Hopefully you can gently encourage them to vent their own feelings without taking one another down.

[@Hello-iz9hl]

Oh wow lol 🤣🤣🤣

[@Ashwin-oq1xt]

@@DrLianeDavey he is now a safe spectator in the Gallery. he should willingly put himself in the line of fire. And then get blamed for everything that happened in the office . yeah sure. totally legit

[@shadowspotted]

why I could never be gay, haven't met one decent woman

[@Angel-gb9gi]

I have no idea of passive aggressive. But I am good at knowing when someone is using me and then I do everything possible to stop letting them use me and a user gets mad when he he can't find his pack mule when heavy and hard work needs doing.

[@DrLianeDavey]

It's so important to know your role and be clear on your boundaries. Some women worry about not being liked if they don't say "yes" to everything. It's more worrisome that you won't be respected if you do.

[@alcudiababe1]

I absolutely love what you are saying and I wanna do the same too when I have kids before you even said about yours - the only thing I do want to say is that a lot of people in jobs or schools demand respect and usually what they really want is for you agree with them and if you don't share their view point or you say something they find as rude. Some people find anyone who speaks their mind as rude however, they view you as a challenge and make life very difficult for you and this whole mean bitchy girl stuff carries into womanhood where you don't question the top dog. That orders are orders and I think that is why I, don't speak up, because I feel, "you are higher than me and I need to show you respect because you can decide what you do to me." I have heard on radio with Katie Hopkins with a student in a university where he expressed a point of view in writing but it was the wrong view point to have and they booted him off that course. I envy people who do speak their minds, yet it makes me angry, about them, because I know I wouldn't do that and because other people can do it, they hold less resentment and far less grudges or not be angry all the time

[@softball4evalex]

Dealing with an unruly "Queen Bee" in my workplace currently. She's been supervisor for over 10 years at this company and hasn't gone anywhere else because this is the highest position she's ever been able to hold or WILL hold and simply loves to abuse the power that comes with it. Higher ups have made her feel so safe amd comfortable they don't even realize that SHE is the sole reason every female employee is stressed out and eventually ends up terminated because of her wicked ways or just quits. It's so clear as to HOW she got the position and who feeds her ego in order to keep it...... and it's NOT her husband who also works there....

[@DrLianeDavey]

Ugh, that sucks! Sadly, there are still a few of the queen bees around. Find yourself a great community to help keep you sane and focused on the value you're bringing.

[@jlnasof2098]

It’s impossible to talk to someone who chooses to be a mute and ignore everyone else around #nosalutefortoxicity

[@ML-hn3rs]

Looking back its always reflect themselves, their issues. Its usually jealousy,envy,insecurity and fear. You are perceived as threat when you are different ( better or worse) when you have what they want to have ( their version of good looks, good characters, attention, money, brain, status, social skills, competence, hardworking, happiness, confidence ) Men can be too but women more fierce

[@DrLianeDavey]

Passive-aggressiveness is *often* a reflection of the person's own conflict aversion or unresolved issues, but not always. Some environments are unsafe for raising issues and women sometimes turn to gossip or back channels as a way of protecting themselves and one another.

[@SanctuaryGoodLife]

Great video. It makes me really sad to me that so few know the difference anymore between real civility and fake civility. Or between trashing people, vs. actually talking about something to find understanding or solutions. The Golden Rule is basic civility. Faking the Golden Rule to people's faces, and then dropping the mask and trashing them behind their back is not the Golden Rule.

[@elisazouza]

i experience this a lot and idk why

[@DrLianeDavey]

I'm sorry that you have to go through that. It can be very isolating to feel that other women are adversaries rather than allies.

[@elisazouza]

@@DrLianeDavey yeah it’s quite a lot like I’ve had girls be obsessed with me and also if I’m confident it seems to make them against me so then I feel unsure about girlhood / womenhood

[@mysteryandmeaning297]

My last job women called me names and one lied to get me fired. Gals living behind me sneer laugh at me when I sit out alone outside. They know I'm feeling lonely. Jeez are you all that cold. My own boyfriend had to hint to me that my friend was not my friend. I thank him for doing that as I was in denial and i stayed friends with him long time. She threw trash on my bed after so I left never came back.. i felt traumatized om that one.. I made a hiking buddy female friend was real happy then she started acting up accusing me of things I didn't do so I got hurt and ended our friendship.. I'm thinking giving up on female friends it's just too hard to continue trying and I'm exhausted. Having more boundaries and not being needy may earn me more respect.

[@DrLianeDavey]

I'm sorry that you've had such a bad experience with female colleagues and friends. I think you've come to the right conclusion, which is to set and enforce boundaries for how you want to be treated. If the women in your life aren't willing or capable of respecting those boundaries, look elsewhere for friendship.

[@beataannanowak659]

Unfortunately I run into female strangers that would abort my child just because 20 something years ago their daddy left their mom, or their boyfriend cheated on them with their best friend. It wasn't me that did it to them but they were helpless and needed to take it out on someone, anyone.

[@boshgezenyan5935]

I was always told by ( my mum?) to Be passive, BECAUSE I AM a female.. Haha

[@nuttmare9438]

I just know I've NOT been put on this earth to gratify other women . Ain't my job .

[@eboulter]

"Animaly kinda stuff". Wow! Very articulate.

[@arisa373]

😂😂😂

[@SanctuaryGoodLife]

Lol wondering why that would upset you guys.

[@WhosxSabrina]

I guess this is exhibit A to her initial point lmfao

[@eboulter]

@@WhosxSabrina fair, but still true.

[@marie.theartist]

The problem now is that people are becoming to vocal to much that they ofend people by there tone, their use of diction, etc. In stead of just saying things in a respectful manner. There has to be a balance.

[@DrLianeDavey]

I agree that we've lost the ability to have respectful discussions where we don't have to agree. I think we've lost both sides of it. On the one side, we can be sloppy with words and tone and send a negative message. On the other side, I think we tend to get offended too easily rather than saying, "that didn't land well for me. Tell me more about what you meant."

[@mariahhall8481]

I mean if she’s around my man then she won’t be too comfortable when I’m around. And why? Because it can be envy but also territorial. And there’s times that I don’t understand how they think or act. I prefer hanging out with guys. As a female I just think guys are more chill and less dramatic.

[@ArtIsDrawing]

yeah but than guys believe the bully girl and side with her and not u!

[@iwilson6651]

Thats why I don't do female bosses.

[@DrLianeDavey]

You might be missing out. Female bosses can be fantastic. Of course, there are people from any gender who are poor managers, but women managers are better on average than male managers on many things, especially communication.

[@campbellhouse6569]

I think of the pecking order with hens and call women like that, chicken brains

[@DrLianeDavey]

Not a flattering name, but I get it!

[@arnoldustwumasi1253]

Respect

[@THEKMLMUSIC]

Queen Bee is still a thing. Still a thing and they are mean as hell.

[@MisterMikeTexas]

Elaine Benes? 😂😂

[@nickidrew5113]

If I don’t like someone I will completely act like they don’t exist 🤣 I’m not gonna be fake smile in your face or act as if there’s no issue. Also I will add if I don’t like you or we had words it’s because of something you did. I’m never the type to be mean or nasty to anyone. I just frankly don’t have the energy nor do I care that much

[@livinginthepines]

Nope it didn't end. It only got worse.

[@dataman6744]

In denial even before you begin

[@chronobot2001]

Emotional creatures will act irrationally unless there is a dominant masculine force that they must submit to. Obedience must override emotion for there to be peace.

[@DrLianeDavey]

I'd prefer it if you kept the misogyny off of my channel. The fact that you infer that women are emotional creatures and men are not is enough for everyone to realize that your contributions have no basis in fact.

[@kaylakain6039]

I been there am 22 and have autism I have anger and anxiety issues and sleep issues so my brain doesn’t think 100 I had women call me names and what not and screaming at me today when I called because I didn’t the differences of surgery or what not I called to get it done not knowing I kept calling until a women screaming at me saying you have to pay or your mom I called again by mistake and once again she was rude how can people be so mean like that especially when you call and they don’t like it I hate rude people

[@larreciashealey]

Of course I'm gonna hang out with more men I'm a female

[@speedflash9504]

Women are more emotional than men hence the catiness.. It i biological..

[@albertatlock]

Oh so its societies fault , not natural for women to hate each other.

[@alezandradavila2581]

Lol

[@untitle161]

As a man, Please excuse me for saying this. Women are very dramatic. I’ve had problems with them.

[@SagaVonDrusus]

And water is wet

[@untitle161]

@@SagaVonDrusus , yeah and the grass is green

[@kra29228]

Men too. People in general.

[@KL-pk7wu]

Try dating men. It‘s so much easier.

[@untitle161]

@@KL-pk7wu , sorry I’m heterosexual

[@kimberlymortenson9513]

Women hunt in packs. We learn this at a very early age. You feel it when a catty remark is made and the speaker’s “followers” laugh out loud. The key, for me, is to realize that I am not without a Defender. God will repay. I need not do a thing.

[@DrLianeDavey]

There's no denying our social nature. I hope you find a group of supportive colleagues who lift you up.

[@MisterMikeTexas]

REEEEEOOOOOWWW!! 😾😾 SSSS! 😾

[@donsummers5678]

There is something called "Karen" hair síndrome.

[@shariemami4029]

Omg hhahaa you complety read my mind. It's like a Karen movement.

[@lindatallon4036]

Her haircut is soooooooioo severe

[@bigburning113]

You rambled on for like a minute about nothing.