Hoovered by Narcissist? Now What?

[@maryvera123]

In the 90's Professor Vaknin developed a set of rules called NO CONTACT. These rules guided me through later hoovering attempts. I found NO CONTACT to be the best advice ever.

[@MyMuse1111]

Grey rock 🪨

[@maryvera123]

@@MyMuse1111 Yes, I did Grey rock before I went no contact. That is an excellent strategy too.

[@nealbeard1]

I think it is the best advice as well.

[@annettehunter9743]

Professor Vaknin is the true expert. He was helping us long before this trendy youtube craze of 'How To' the narcissist in your life. 15 years ago his book Malignant Self-Love saved my life.

[@TheAppaloosa14]

Absolutely along with dealing with our own wounds we set ourselves free

[@kayb947]

No contact is the only solution. It's not easy but it works. I've rejected 2 Hoover's ( so far ) terrible experiences. I didn't react ( no expression, no emotion no response ) I also managed to walk away before the Discard .

[@DebbieLee-dr3hr]

I agree. Narcissistic parents in their 80s have been doing this for decades. I am trying to keep it gray rock, but it's like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Blunt force drama trauma leaves no marks. Sure hurts like he'll, though.

[@pupper5580]

I'm getting flying-monkey'd, hoovered, and love-bombed at the moment. I hope I can make the right moves lol.

[@nihubbpamperxoxo9323]

I have a doubt. There are only 0.5% of narcissists in this world right. Yet I also have met two. How’s this possible

[@Videointerests]

I've heard they can treat you very nice at the start but it starts to get out of hand after a few weeks.

[@MyMuse1111]

Rage is under their sweet surface

[@enriquea.berger9930]

Yes indeed, the cycle repeteated again, only faster as the first time.

[@michelefaydobb7247]

I can see the same behaviours occurring in the narcissistic extension-and similar needs. Repeating the same thing g over and over to try to fix childhood abandonment. And the only difference that makes a difference is to finally see clearly what I’m doing in the shared fantasy. It’s complex and you show this and the role we play. You’ve said, It’s not our fault. I am trying to understand this in a non- narcissistic way that focuses not on my role in the shared fantasy as perceived by the narcissist ( because that is narcissistic) but in terms of my own need to finally follow through f on my own separation process as a way to find my self rather than self- abandon ( again; ) and become as a process responsible and reality based. Your work is hugely important. Thank you.

[@nealbeard1]

Why would you expect any change in their nature?

[@onlymisslisa]

yea they can only pretend to be “good” for a short time then back to their toxic behaviors

[@beth38368]

And like clockwork, mine came back! Thank you Sam , for helping me understand this awful condition. I was forearmed and was able to say " No thank you" then block and walk away. I actually feel relieved ❤

[@TheAppaloosa14]

Same

[@Keep_It_Super_Simple_K.I.S.S.]

The narcissist is merged with his orginal mother figure till he dies. First shared fantasy is going to fail (no real separation possible), second and further second classified shared fantasies will fail as well (no further individuation possible), the narcissist "knows" deep inside that he is a "full time looser" on his way of being. My experience as well: in second and further second classified shared fantasies the narcissist tries to project (by projective identification) his fury / anger regarding his orignal mother figure 100% on to his hoovered partner. A "full flashed mother hater" who tries to convert the hoovered partner to his original (emotionally dead) mother.

[@lora3996]

what if his mother is still alive and he says they have a great relationship?

[@Keep_It_Super_Simple_K.I.S.S.]

@@lora3996then he mislabels his feelings (and as well what he remembers (dissociation / confabulation))

[@Keep_It_Super_Simple_K.I.S.S.]

@@lora3996 he mislabels his emotions cognitions, memories (dissociation, confabulation)

[@annettehunter9743]

True. I experienced this. I got tired of the abuse and I started to call him by his mother's name. He was furious and asked my why I was doing this? I replied 'when you stop treating me how you say your mother treated you, only then will I stop calling you 'mary'. (Not his mother's name). I left him. He hated me as I named him as an abuser. Two years later I found Professor Vakin's book and the whole relationship finally made sense. That was 15 years ago. Long before the current trendy phase on KZbin channels about narcissists. Professor Vaknin is the real expert but note how he never uses gimmicks or clickbait. Just good academic based info. Peer reviewed.

[@Kristedlove333]

I kicked him out and he’s living with his mother. He used to talk crap about her when we were married and now at her house catering to her and saying she an old sweet lady. I even asked him if he ever dated white women (hence we were a biracial couple) he said no because it would be like dating his mother. 10 years later found out he cheated on me a with a lil white chick who was helping him with drug sells and giving him money

[@Abc_xyz-m8l]

This video needs to be added in classics . Thank you so much professor

[@tigerlily6637]

This explains everything. Thank you so much.

[@mariammiee]

I was just thinking about how even if you look at them with disgust and tell them how you no longer even wish to look at their disgusting face, they almost find it erotic?

[@elenak707]

Yes totally sick

[@AnimosityIncarnate]

That's called real sadomasochism 🤣🤣

[@InstagramUserrr]

This gives me a lot of insight with my sister who is narcissistic and used me as an object because she was discarded by our mother who was discarded by our father 😅

[@madeleine8507]

This explains a lot actually. Thank you.

[@PS-rp2yc]

What happens if the narcissist tries to transpose your introject onto the new supply and it doesn’t work? Do they then hoover you (the old supply) to alleviate their anxiety?

[@samvaknin]

Yes.

[@Videointerests]

What are all the ideas hoovering and do they find pleasure in doing so?

[@MaddieSan435]

That's so messed up. In the process of making my internal introject a bad object - nothing mattered what was happening in the reality and what I was saying. It makes it even worse with today's social media and communication through txt messages. It wasn't me he was talking to in those messages but yet refused to meet in real life as I couldn't take the overwhelming bullshit and attempt to control me through the messages. Social media caters so much to this disorder

[@redpilljesus]

It really does. Back in the day they would have to convince live people of their grandiosity / fantasies. Now? Flying monkeys everywhere. And your good-faith attempts to meet them in the middle end up sliding further and further towards them - until they tell you to get away from them.

[@AlexandraB3]

Thank you very much for this video. That's incredibly useful

[@ajourneytoessence2166]

I’d like to ask you Dr Vaknin what about the narcsssistic ex who has hoovered after 6 1/2 years of us getting back together and breaking up until I finally discarded him 2 years ago and went no contact? Then he hoovered every 3 to 4 months but I never responded. He recently died and I fear it was by overdose or suicide. I felt all of the years we were together he really tried to do right by me but as you said he could not get it together. What was his goal of hoovering after trying for 6 1/2 years, no contact for 2 years, and no success?

[@PracticalPeptides]

Excellent and extremely detailed insightful video Professor. Thank you!

[@alexandral4888]

@Sam Vaknin- please could you kindly provide your thoughts on narcissism and comorbid conditions like OCD/rOCD/detachment disorders etc.? Would love to hear on how you believe these show themselves up along each other. Thank you!

[@samvaknin]

Search the comorbidities playlist.

[@sofiaavetisian5673]

Hi! why does the narcissist do the exact things that I was begging him to do for me with his new supply? Does he not treat every single intimate partner the same?

[@samvaknin]

The shared fantasy is tailored to elicit the 4 Ss from the partner (sex, supply, services, safety).

[@TrossDolfei]

My borderline/narcissistic ex discarded me due to her feeling "motherly feelings for me". About halfway through the relationship, she said "let's not make the motherly feelings win". She had a very large distain for her mother. I was so utterly devastated and confused when it happened, and i've spent the last 4 months researching the subject, and the idea of her having an internal object / fantasy and just using me as an instrument to accomplish a goal makes perfect sense. We would have such a wonderful time together, her saying "what we have is deeper than love", and then out of the blue she'd give me ultimatums to go to therapy for things "I did wrong" .. This can only make sense from the perspective that she's constantly battling her inner turmoil of emotions, where her internal object representation of me gets distorted / warped during the time we are not together and then she tries to "fix" this problem by fixing me, the representation. After a period of trying to fix this to no avail, and her having a very stressful period at work, she got rid of me. I was painted black. From all to nothing. Fascinating! I will miss her very much. Strangely enough, despite being a health freak herself, and knowing I never smoke, she wanted me to start. It made no sense, but it does make sense when she is trying to make me fit her internal fantasy! Thank you Sam.

[@SebastiaanVaz]

Well written!

[@cabbista30]

This makes a lot of sense. When my ex and I reconnected after we broke up she acted like nothing happened. Mind fuck to the nth degree.

[@larasure4058]

very interesting and explains a lot

[@Monica-wr6kz]

Considering all you had explained in the video, would it be the beginning of a hoovering phase a good moment to start implementing a sort of a treatment plan, such as the Cold Therapy for example?

[@samvaknin]

Narcissism cannot be cured. Watch the therapies playlist.

[@olgakirschner6545]

brilliant

[@musicilove7016]

I recognize this and am wondering that this hovering is probably also bi-directional. To leave the narcissist you need to stop hovering about the actions the narcissist did to you. Not an easy feat but probably the only way to become your own person again 🙏🏻

[@nealbeard1]

Do not identify as a victim

[@LeoVelichkovsky-wg1cf]

Full disclosure; I am being discarded after many years. Currently the mortal enemy Prof Vaknin describes midway through the piece. Accused of being selfish and greedy among other things. Question: would gifting the Narc a fancy farewell present trigger a meltdown?

[@redpilljesus]

Did it?

[@LeoVelichkovsky-wg1cf]

@@redpilljesus Cannot tell. Was convinced by a therapist that the narc will devalue the jesture and the money will go to waste

[@StephanieEdwards-xc4tx]

If i was to pretend i never knew him, act bemused, what would his reaction be? I sense he always knew what he was doing by playing the song "Say hello wave goodbye" The lyrics include " I never knew you, you never knew me".

[@StephanieEdwards-xc4tx]

Knowing what I know now, I'm thinking he has always been aware of his disorder but enjoyed mocking me. I never did know the real him and he never knew me just the snapshot in his head. A 23 year nightmare. When I referred to him looking like a psychopath on his driving license he gave a cold smirk, wasn't at all offended.

[@NicoleJunge-x9s]

Dear Professor, to which introject does the narc project the new shared fantasy with the new supply? In the course of life there will probably be numerous former shared fantasy experiences, i.e. former intimate partners. Which one does the narc select? The "best performing" one? The one who provided "grade A-supply"? Thank you for your life and soul saving content. Greetings from Germany ❤

[@samvaknin]

The previous one, chronologically.

[@АлексМотов-щ4щ]

@@samvaknin is there a lecture where you expand on that subject?

[@АлексМотов-щ4щ]

Does hovering ever take place if the narcissist has already found new supply?

[@samvaknin]

Not as long as he is going through the phases of the shared fantasy.

[@АлексМотов-щ4щ]

​@@samvakninThank you, professor Vaknin!

[@Keep_It_Super_Simple_K.I.S.S.]

@@samvaknin negative / revenge hoovering of discarded / no contact Ex can take place in parallel to new shared fantasy with Next

[@hauntedsalmon7931]

I thought the Hoover was simply an attempt to use me short term to supply his addictions I.e. alcoholism.

[@OlympianVenus]

@Sam Vaknin when he was with his new supply he offered me a friendship. We were together 2 years (discarded me in March). Now he hoovered offering a relationship (two months after being with new supply. How can he switch from offering a friendship to offering a relationship?

[@redpilljesus]

The 4 S's.

[@JJ-em3cp]

So why would a narcissist leave you for the new supply, be with this supply for years, and then turn around a Hoover ? Would I not be forgotten about during this timeframe ?

[@samvaknin]

Watch the shared fantasy playlist.

[@JJ-em3cp]

@@samvakninthank you doctor. Which video specifically?

[@nis9439]

Can a narcissist ever change n start to love? Or he'll always be a cheater n a confused person?!

[@samvaknin]

Watch my interview with Daria Zukowska on this topic.

[@vincenzorossi4828]

​@@samvaknin dramatic one. I watched that video 10 times. The cruel truth. I am also reading your books ( I bought all of them on amazon). You did a great work. I just wish I have never knew you , needed your insights and your knowledge. I still feel need of revenge against my ex narc. No contact for 3 months. I feel she doesn' t give a damn of this no contact. I am now her enemy. she is happy with her new supply. ( it seems). What is a punishment for a narcissist dear Professor? I thank you in advance for your reply.

[@redpilljesus]

​@@vincenzorossi4828why would you like to? They can't get better - that's like using a shock collar on a dog who doesn't get it. You just end up with a scared and hurt animal - even more traumatized than when it began.

[@vincenzorossi4828]

@@redpilljesus thanks for your reply. I think your comparison is not fitting the case. If it is ,then , let ' s say the Narc is a violent dog.,attacking( damaging) people without any reasons, not responding to any training and not managable at all. ( because this is a Narc).In this case I think you know what is the procedure to follow with this dog....don ' t you? Going back to my previous comment the word " punishment' was more related to my thirst for justice. I guess all victims can relate to this.

[@louno8506]

Prof Vaknin could you explain why a narcissist admits being a narcissist, manipulator and controller when he discards? It is very confusing. Feels he wants people to feel sorry for him and to keep being friends and having access in their lives and keep an image of honesty? Went full no contact after that.

[@samvaknin]

Pseudo-honesty.

[@louno8506]

@@samvaknin got it. Ill do my search on that one. Btw I love your approach, is the most complete one I never encountered.

[@Livingbeing4]

I have confusion if after few years when narc come to hoover and our looks chsnged then??? What will his reaction?

[@samvaknin]

The narcissist hoovers your roles in the shared fantasy, not your looks.

[@deepestvermillion]

Do unstable, emotionally disregulated personalities with bad or dead mothers also rely on introjects in this manner? Asking for a friend …

[@samvaknin]

Mostly, yes. A question of degree, pervasiveness, and, above all, reality testing (conflating fantasy with reality).

[@SlickRick-ne8qw]

We were together for two difficult years before she accused me of everything in the book, went back to Washington The person she went back to be with didn’t work out I wouldn’t accept her back! she got into a depressive state got addicted to OXY overdosed and died this January 24 3 months after leaving me she’s dead Under the belief I feel sad like it’s partly my fault

[@Benjaminmaxvh]

Not your fault. Failure to model reality means they cannot win. Ever. It's tragic

[@apubanerjee5496]

⭐ A Sleep Walk Of A Narcissist ⭐ . ⭐ Yes , Time Stands Still , For Her , ( The Narcissist ) , ↕️ Since From , 1983 /84 To 2024 , As On Date . 👇 Indeed , What A Fallacy To Her Ownself . 👆 .

[@Mysoul8484]

It feels so good to be hoovered by him 🫦