How Boarding School Affects Your Love Life: Understanding Relationship Struggles | Piers Cross

[@User0resU-1]

As a boarder in a different country as my parents for 10yrs from 8 to 17 I've always said I was raised by my peers. I left school as a completely institutionalised and impoverished human being. I and my 3 siblings, who are strangers to me, have never really recovered, and we're in our 60s. It's a shame!

[@pierscross]

Thanks for sharing @one4320. I am so sorry to hear your experience of boarding school for you and your siblings. Take care, Piers

[@inspired1114]

Wow, I'm so sorry for that. My brothers were just day boys in a boarding school and I remember as a child hearing with a kind of sick horror how there were boys just left there whose parents lived on the other side of the world. How was that even legal? May you thrive despite it now, and may this exposure of it all help xx

[@dagmaraelfman576]

I understand now why, when I came home for the holidays in the 7 years I attended BS, I never really felt at ease - I was a 'visitor', living a very different life, had developed a personality probably totally dissimilar to the members of my family, and was no longer part of the family unit. They didn't know how to deal with who I had become. It all makes sense now.

[@pierscross]

Thank you @Dagmara Elfman for your reflections. Really glad that the video has helped you to clarify why so many of us as ex boarders struggle in relationships. I still don't really fit in to my blood family but enjoy spending time with them now. Take care, Piers

[@lemsip207]

Growing up I always wondered what boarders did for friends in the school holidays. In day schools

[@AnyaB18]

Thank you Piers. As an ex partner of an ex boarder, this really touched me.

[@pierscross]

Hi Anya, thank you for your comment and for sharing. I find it fascinating how so many of us as ex-boarders struggle in this area and how common it is.

[@AnyaB18]

@@pierscross I wonder how to help an ex-boarder open up to the idea that intimacy might be an issue. Given they don’t know any different, I have found it very hard when asked to “prove” that the heart is blocked and have often been dismissed

[@pierscross]

@@AnyaB18 Hi Anya, that's a great question. How do we do that? I have found it helpful for my wife to share with me her emotions about what it feels like to be around me when I am shut down. Rather than having a go, just showing her tears has been really powerful to help me to start to change. I think this could be a book or another video in and of itself. Thank you for the reflection Anya, Piers

[@AnyaB18]

@@pierscross It’s great to hear that you can truly listen to your partner. I think respecting and validating her thoughts and feelings shows great humility and love. My ex-partner lacked that sense of partnership; he would hear me, but then find a way to blame me. It was not the safest of environments, emotionally - lots of projecting, gaslighting, and catastrophising, albeit not maliciously. A book / video on the subject would be wonderful; after over a year of research, I have noticed a gap in the BSS landscape: the voice of the partner, especially if the partner did not themselves go to boarding school. I think this role can become a very lonely one, creating its own psychological trauma.

[@pierscross]

@@AnyaB18 Thank you Anya, I will speak to my wife and see what she says...

[@Kate-gv1mx]

Thank you so much for your wise words piers. I think it is almost my first time ever writing a KZbin comment but I do want to just take a moment to appreciate your ideas. I was an ex- boarder, began boarding at the age of 11 in the UK. It was a small school, but plenty to be always surrounded by my friends. I have developed a sort of childhood trauma of abandonment which sorely affects my relationships with my partner. I remember my house mistresses not allowing to contact my parents and shouting at me to end the call. All the racial favoritism I had to cope with and normalize. The only “parent” i had at that very young age were the house mistresses and they bullied me and emotionally abused me. I can recall so many memories of them just being full on monstrous to such a small child. Well now, I struggle to show him my vulnerability and I constantly try to suppress my anxiety of loneliness and fear. Now, I always end up being too naggy, too clingy and too controlling. If my partner shows a glimpse of coldness towards me, a wave of anxiety engulfs me and I act twice as colder to protect myself. I even fear that when I show my scared and vulnerable emotions, my partner would leave me because I am weak and co-dependent. I fear rejection, I fear being alone, I fear being unloved - which made me seek for relationships after relationships to constantly prove to myself that I am worthy of love and that I am worthy of affection. I guess I just need some reassurance from someone that showing vulnerability is not a sign of weakness or a button that whooshes everyone away but a valid feeling and something that is worth showing. Your video was wonderful and allowed me to really reflect upon myself and perhaps reflect on my history and character to connect with myself.

[@pierscross]

Thank you for sharing Kate, I really appreciate your honesty and your openness. I hear what a challenge boarding school and especially the house mistress was for you. I am glad that you found the video to have been helpful. Take care, Piers

[@helpstraykg7131]

I dated two ex boarders, just always smile, never bad negative emotion, and now I know why.

[@helpstraykg7131]

Just went through a breakup with a man who I guess had boarding school syndrome. The breakup came unexpectedly, I was surprised, all the things he wasn’t happy with I didn’t know was a problem

[@healthylove481]

My father was a boarder from age 4 to 18 and hardly saw his parents, who were cold. I taught him to hug...he is always in, do, mode.....its heartbreaking, lonely and my brother didn't make it. My father was physically violent especially towards my brother, even for the 70s it was harsh. My brother passed on a drug overdose, he had no confidence and low self-worth, but was kind as to all, except himself... now, I am his target...we have a very dysfunctional family, where my father does react, respond and "sort it out", shouted very angrily to anything that evokes, feelings. There is always someone to be blamed and punished, like a child....thank you for this so much. X

[@calmlife4187]

100%true...This gonna change my life and make it beautiful...

[@pmfg875]

Thanks so much for your caring words, you have a very calming voice as well

[@Anne-Fabienne]

So enlightening 🙏🙏🙏🙏

[@lesliec5200]

I always feel alone. Like my feelings do no matter. Abandonment issues and trust issues

[@FALplayFrase]

Excellent video Piers. Nailed it along with the married to an ex boarder

[@pierscross]

Thank you Chris, glad that you found the video helpful 🙏

[@FALplayFrase]

@@pierscross therapist speaks highly of your work, which is good to know!

[@JonnyOwenTunes]

Thank you Piers. Another humane video which has taken real humility to produce. I wish I could feel some hope. But I always return to this place of isolation and loneliness. My BSS is compounded by the terrible homophobia I experienced. I've had a string of disastrous relationships. And I know that ultimately it's me that is the problem. I simultaneously crave real connection but know I have had too many painful broken attempts at love filled with betrayal and cheating. And try as I might, I just can't shake off this rage towards my parents albeit while loving them and trying my best to maintain positive relationships with them, despite their abandoning us a second time by emigrating when I was 20. Mostly I'm tired. Tired of plastering on masks because I dread people realising just how much a 'victim' I am behind the independent, resourceful, positive and charming persona. I've truly had enough and am struggling to find a reason to carry on. I recently met up with my first love after 24 years. When I last saw him I punched him so hard I broke his front tooth. Something I will never quite forgive myself for. He did acknowledge his part in the events, which led to that horrible event. He has gone on to marry and had a successful career. I am happy for him. But I am sad for me. I recognise how that 20 year old boy I was simply couldn't cope and exploded in rage. And still to this day this man-child is scarred so deeply. Love and pain are synonymous for me. I do not kowtow to the 'freedom of choice' narrative... boarding school IS child abuse. It should not be legal.

[@pierscross]

Good afternoon Jonny, thank you for your email and your honesty. I am so sorry to hear of your experiences at boarding and how it has impacted your life. I so agree that boarding school is child abuse. I am yet to read one account which paints boarding school in a positive light and I have read now nearly 40 books by some of the most well-known ex-boarders from Bear Grylls to David Cameron. Take care of yourself and please do keep going, Piers

[@JonnyOwenTunes]

@pierscross Thanks Piers. Sorry that was a bad day. Been low lately but coming through it. For me, nature, playing guitar, running, photography are all therapies. We keep going.

[@inspired1114]

Wow, you are such a beautiful person, reflected by your relationship with such a beautiful view behind you. Thank you for this channel - I've been drawn to your videos, not understanding fully why as I never went to boarding school, until I saw how the different symptoms seem to mirror my mother's way of coping. She went to boarding school on a scholarship in Ireland in the late 1950's and always sang its praises to the rooftops - how privileged she was etc etc, but her modus operandi would tend to harshness/coldness, being dismissive and mocking of vulnerability and gentleness. The rare time she would be upset it would feel catastrophic for her. Constant, constant busyness her whole life; 'the devil makes work of idle hands'.. She has a hard time having empathy, and she was favoured by the nuns, I'm not sure why. She got to ring the morning bell at school, and she seemed really proud about that. Several years ago her fellow boarding school friend bawled crying in front of us both about how unhappy she was there, and when I brought this up to my mother recently, she said she had no idea her friend was ever unhappy there. ? ! She has this selective amnesia also about other situations, and she'll also say that sometimes there are traumas just too big to ever be faced, you've just got to keep going... We are all a maelstrom of experiences of course; its a fascinating, complex survival mode for the individual psyche, but this boarding school syndrome 'rings lots of bells' from my experience with my mum. Blessings and so much motherly love - I'm smiling because even though I'm probably about the same age as you, you bring out this nurturing mothering instinct :-D p.s. Both of my brothers were day-boys at a local boarding school and experienced/witnessed much of what you describe - they were nothing if they didn't play rugby, physical violence at first until my father went up to the school and protested, a suicide of a boarder while they were there also. There were children there whose parents were in Mexico - just flew their kids over and left them there. May this whole thing be outlawed someday as I'm sure it will. Blessings!

[@pierscross]

Hi @inspired1114, thank you for your really kind words. It is very common for children of ex-boarders to have many of the symptoms of their parents so are often drawn to this work. I have a video here about children of ex-boarders which you might find interesting: kzbin.info/www/bejne/eZLZYmabfqubpNE Take care, Piers

[@inspired1114]

​​@@pierscross Thank you 😊 that video also helps explain the aversion to physical affection- the last I can recall from my mother was an awkward attempt at a hug about age 7 after my cat was killed on the road. It was even really hard for her to pet her beloved dog. She started petting the dog in her late 60s though - progress! 🙏💚

[@pierscross]

@@inspired1114 Hi, yes, touch - something most of us as ex-boarders really struggle with! I am glad to that she had progress as she got older...

[@inspired1114]

​@@pierscross Such a travesty Piers thank you. And yes, she's a bit better at hugging humans now also. May you and all who wish it, reclaim our pure childlike zest 🙂

[@RobinDivine777]

Starting to make more sense now for me as to why I've struggled with relationships. Tears, vulnerability, tactility etc were all frowned upon and mocked, I certainly didn't learn to how to love and accept myself at BS. Have you heard of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)? It's primarily linked to people with ADHD but I believe it can also be a symptom of C-PTSD.

[@pierscross]

Hi Robin, thank you for your comment and your question. No I have not heard about RSD. I would say that many of us as ex-boarders are sensitive to rejection and do all that we can to avoid it, especially in relationships. Take care, Piers

[@dagmaraelfman576]

Robin Psilo777 I went to an all girls BS and the attitude to showing any emotion was exactly the same, among the pupils as well as the staff. The only day tears were acceptable was on the last day of the term when you were leaving, and I think they were more from relief than sadness! It was a mainly funded school for girls whose father had died or permanently could not work through illness, so we were all pretty vulnerable but not allowed to show it. It certainly affected my relationships with my family and, sadly, my children.

[@murraymcgregor74]

Thank you Piers, a lot has become clearer to me after your clip and another from 2 ladies from the BPF, Joanna de Waal and Joy Schaverien discussing the ABCD of BS.

[@CLBOO6]

Not just relationship with everyone else, friends or partners, I even have relationship problems with parents and siblings. I just can't talk to them. Our relationship becomes so formal that going back to my parents' home feels like going to a work meeting.

[@h3arty]

thank you for the excellent videos. please keep making them!

[@salzwell25]

I was traumatised my school because of my untreated depression and anxiety. Boarding school made it worse. I ended up with a severe eating disorder.

[@normanpouch]

I went to boarding school and I can open up to my partner but she has problems and won't open up. It's a funny old world.

[@MrBaguette09]

oooh

[@martinwright8108]

Interesting thoughts, thanks for posting. First, and this is just a clarification, I think you were referring to Erving Goffman whose books I have found very useful. Second, and this is more of a ramble, you use the word suppression several times and as far as I can see and thinking of my own boarding school experience, repression would seem a more accurate word. The difference in the two is vast - I can suppress my anger in a situation and it will return when it is safe to reveal but if constantly suppressed over a period of time I might lose the ability of experiencing it directly. Goffman suggests that we learn acceptable pretenses or presentations to cover this inability and I suggest that what we learn in our relationships with other boarders, especially those of the same age, is how to make this process of repression seamless. Checking each others armour is how I see it. Like bullying, this armour checking is also an indirect vent for anger. Lastly, I think it may be unhelpful to focus too much on the boarding experience. I do not want to underplay its significance but, for example, it can become a tool for victimhood, either ours or that of partners.

[@pierscross]

Hi Martin, thanks for your insightful comments. I have not yet read Erving Goffman's books although have read quotes and references. Thanks for your thoughts about suppression and repression - interesting ideas. I will have a reflect. I agree that we can become victims if we get lost in what happened to us. My sense is that many of us don't get to that point because of the dissociation. Thanks for your thoughts, take care, Piers

[@ShivangiSingh-wc3gk]

I hate what the boarding school did to me internally. :(

[@katreades-kt8jv]

Yes - a relationship with anxiety and self- doubt that is so extreme it’s crippling. Work in progress…

[@abhaythegodfather]

I am in love with a girl who was a boarding student. I consider myself as a deep, thoughtful person who wishes to be connected deeply, emotionally with his closed ones. Whereas this girl is fond of my humour. But I don't understand if she can ever be emotionally connected with me deeply, the way I would connect with her. My basic question can boarding school kids grow up to be good lovers? Can they be emotionally connected to their partner? Do they have the strength to love someone with apl their heart and take care of them?

[@pierscross]

Hi @abhaythegodfather, thanks for your question. Yes, definitely they can become loving people but they have to want to. They have to want to go where they are frightened and to admit and feel that boarding school wound. If they don't want to heal and open their hearts then they struggle to be emotionally connected to their partners. Take care, Piers

[@nickymoxey5927]

Piers, please could you post your book list?

[@pierscross]

Hi Nicky, thanks for your message. Yes, of course. Could I clarify which book list please? Is it the boarding school syndrome one or the one to do with relationships? Thanks, Piers

[@nickymoxey5927]

@@pierscross I've found all of Nick Duffell's books, plus Joy Schaverein, Richard Beard, Nikki Simpson, Margaret Laughton etc, for boarding school. I'd love your relationship list, please.

[@pierscross]

@@nickymoxey5927 Ah, okay that makes sense thank you. So some of the relationship books that I recommend are: - Conscious Loving and Conscious Loving Every After by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. - My wife and I have found the work of David Deida to be very helpful - The Way of the Superior Man and Dear Lover (the first is for men and the latter is for women). - The Power of Attachment by Diane Poole Heller (more about attachment theory in relationships but very useful for us as ex-boarders to understand) - Love for No Reason by Marci Shimoff - Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg - Vagina by Naomi Wolfe - 7 Principles for Making Marriages Work by John Gottman I hope that this helps, take care, Piers

[@nickymoxey5927]

@@pierscross Wonderful! Thank you :)

[@stevilburgess135]

think new Zealand boarding schools were more brutal . morning runs beatings half staved etc. we only had a teacher in the house 3 hours a night. it was pretty fun a lot of the time tho . but some friends really hated it .felt it messed them up pretty bad. i have a hunch British schools were more regimented manners wise? isolated from the out side world ? where new Zealand was like boot camp with opportunities connect with other kids not in boarding . ive meet British boarders who's experiences were pretty different more study and isolation etc? i feel it might of made relationships harder to form for them ? most people i know here i went to school with seem ok with partners if not better honestly ? most of that i feel i relate to i hide any weakness pain etc. one thing i find supper hard is being around family it feels intensely fake . i didn't plan it but went a few years without contact . i would pick up the phone but couldn't dial didn't know what to say etc (i think i would of been a mumbling mess if i did ) i call my dad regularly now but still feels fake def never share any emotion etc . around old friends from school feels far more like family .

[@peterkavanagh64]

Hi

[@sallymilne1679]

when I went to boarding school it was just moving from one uncaring life to another. The first week I was there a teacher found me crying and told me that it cost my parents a lot of money so I should be grateful that they spent all this money on me - I called myself daddies little tax dodge

[@peterkavanagh64]

I see thee I leave soon for East Asia rhialand the set is mixed sport prize money is bonded . Then the attackers ks are on gib explaining the release of money os via defined destination . That might gilder many atta ks the infantry is best not just males it is walking in the local area and chat it is leaning the right answers . And this levels the life to happiness

[@TSChen69]

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@ccs1229]

I hate the fact that I was raised by children. Children who made me feel ugly, not worth a conversation, like I was a weirdo. Yuck.

[@pierscross]

Thank you @ccs1229 for sharing. Yes, it is so sad that we were raised by other unhappy children. Take care, Piers