How Borderline, Covert Narcissist React to & Spin Rejection, Abandonment

Rejection, abandonment trigger separation insecurity and constitute extreme narcissistic injury (trigger grandiosity cognitive distortion).
The cognitive dissonance is resolved via a mix of aggression and passive-aggression.
Drama linked to hyperemotionality, fills the existential void, a simulated and compressed life
Entitlement to be unique and exclusive as measured via currency of attention.
Splitting (I am all good, s/he is all bad).
Projection
Hoovering is the ultimate goal unless mortification sets in (Borderline: unsafe, Narcissist: publicly shaming)
Aggressive techniques (histrionic and psychopathic comorbidities):
Revenge fantasies (rarely translated to action beyond ostentatious demonstrative acts like a smear campaign because the fantasy is perfect and action might fail and exacerbate the narcissistic injury).
Delusional reframing (I rejected him/her).
Actual violence.
Passive-aggressive techniques:
Triangulation (esp. emotionally injurious with best friend, worst enemy, colleagues, stable of exes, and so on)
Setting you up for failure (undermining, sabotaging, defeating, handicapping you):
Unrealistic demands or expectations.
Engineering situations that are bound to trip you up.
Motivating others to withhold help, support, or collaboration or to actively conspire against you.
Fostering an environment that requires talents, skills, or knowledge that you do not possess or do not excel at.
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[@jennyretief4978]

It is the utter disdain they treat you with, not withstanding the trashing of your character. It is a mental illness and a rejection of the gift of life.

[@parth898patel6]

Professor Sam I am 57 with MA in Clinical Psychology and My fiance of 8 months and girlfriend of 15 months beautiful and MBA CEO we had a beautiful relationship full love love, romance, music and abruptly broke up over me sitting at a different chair at wedding reception table, she got angry and gave me silent treatment for 15/20 mins and I just walked away for 10/15 mins to cool off since she refused to even talk. This walking away was seen as abandoning her and she stopped talking for 2.5 hrs and abruptly asked to return to hotel and I asked for 10/15 mins to gather family members, she insisted on going immediately, I argued with her how unreasonable this was etc and when she pushed my buttons I just gave her hotel keys and said you want to take Uber? To this she stormed out, didn’t talk for rest of night and next am and when I called her out as cause if this dynamic and she owns her disproportionate reaction she returned the ring and said we are done and broke up in a very self righteous way sent me a text in few days. Accused me of leaving family behind, abandoning family, middle if night. That this was my family values. I tired reconciliation for 6 weeks then just had to accept her break up she was most likely on dating sites and out having fun from pictures on social media. She wanted to be friends I declined. Since October 16 to today I have been agonizing on what happened here. I lost my peace if mind and 10 weeks have passed and not hurt from her, I know she wont reach out and I don’t want to feel injustice and so wronged. Until you broke it down so eloquently I did t get it. Now I do. I am so grateful. You are a gift to humanity. I will be ordering your books and listening all your recordings. Gratefully. Parth.

[@heartsoulreclaim3197]

I feel like I’ve just woken up to 4yrs of being mugged off, cheating, lies, secret behaviours, triangulation with his ex. I have had about 4 mental breakdowns where I thought I was losing my mind, the last one scared him as I told him to section me. Call the emergency services and he has told me since I’m crazy and insecure 🤯 wow I’ve just woken up to the extent of his abuse and I feel he will forever trigger me if I see him again. I swear to god he if ever tries to hoover me again. I will give him nothing now. He is dead to me.

[@SunnyCali11]

Thank you for explaining cluster B’s in so much detail. I have recently discovered my husband is cluster B fluctuating between covert, overt and borderline. Psychology was going to be my major. Understanding what is happening in his mind has helped me to get the help I need to get my children and myself safe. I knew he had extreme childhood trauma but had no idea the effects this trauma has on the brain. This video is exactly where I’m at in my relationship with him. I am no contact and just secured an attorney. We have a great family therapist that helped me become aware of the situation. Your videos have protected my children and myself.

[@Guidancewithgrace777]

You are telling my same story, also psychology degree and covet borderline sociopathic husband. I got a restraining order thank god! He violated within hours and was arrested in front of all his coworkers. It was AMAZING seeing him in court getting 2 years formal probation and domestic violence package, I am so grateful to be safe and away from him x but the pain is deep it was 20 years with him. This channel has helped me

[@Bornintoclusterb]

Your timing couldn’t be better, dealing with this now with “family”. They are relentless and do become vengeful stalkers. Thank you Sam.

[@NarcisismoTV]

It’s so creepy! Be strong

[@mariaa.7327]

Too much focus and attention to oneself is unhealthy. I realised as a teenager that the more egocentric I got, the more I suffered. Maybe this is too simplified but I do see this correlation happening

[@katherinel1801]

I experienced this with a covert malignant narcissist after I ended the relationship. He violated social norms, hacked into my account to get my new address, made false reports to the my state counseling board, made false allegations to my employers and stole mental health data and threatened to release it to patient families if I wasn’t fired. He tried to blackmail me and in doing so put my friend’s life at risk with more lies. And because of my issues I initially felt sorry for him due to his early life experiences - I was scared and sad but couldn’t get angry. Dr. Vaknin’s videos helped me heal, take responsibility for what I allowed and learn to change my own behavior. I ultimately got a restraining order. I remember a video that he had that said if someone is stalking you to get the law involved as this is not okay. It was a turning point. So grateful for this channel. I now use this information to help others.

[@polyjb1]

"look it up" The best line in all of youtube

[@fenellajames4112]

Unbelievably accurate. I’m going through this right now. My ex husband abused me so badly I fled and was in hiding for months. He was arrested and I got a non molestation order. He defended it by accusing me of everything he had done to me even though it was all caught on CCTV. Quite incredible. Sam you are spot on!

[@drmas9017]

Thank you for this video that may explain the series of hoovers I continue to receive and ignore. Clearly, he is looking to lure me back and punish me for what he believes is my abandonment of him. He used splitting and I have become the persecutory figure and he is my victim. The reality is I left because of his abusive behavior, which he will never admit. It's helpful to understand but disturbing that he is in this loop of hoovering to seek vengeance.

[@ryanhartnett6437]

This is 100% what I experienced. It was so bad I moved away. The more she tried to hurt me the more I rejected and ignored. When we were together she obsessed over others. When I walked away she obsessed over me in the most destructive ways. Now that I have moved far away is the war over?

[@lolo-su6ig]

whoa. i now understand that my severely abusive parents fit perfectly with these cluster b's- my mother likely a borderline covert narcissist & my father a narcissistic psychopath. it has taken me literal decades to extract myself from their respective vice grips. unfortunately, due to the extremely abusive childhood my sibling and i were raised in, we've both been diagnosed with multiple mental health issues, including c-ptsd, depression, and anxiety disorders. i don't know if i will ever be able to overcome the debilitating damage they foisted upon us. it's a day to day battle with my own mind at this point.

[@karenblazingsky1608]

So, how do "normal people" deal with intentional harm and abandonment? What is the normal reaction to abuse?

[@andreatatkow709]

Leaving…

[@void1718]

Getting away from the source and living happily .

[@franco2b145]

You don’t “latch”..we leave. We don’t “hoover”… make a different maneuver.. EXIT LEFT!

[@cmbr.]

Like a parasite ejected from it's host

[@debogden3686]

One more time Prof. Vaknin, you have described SO perfectly, the ‘situation’. Thank you for the clarification and the validation.

[@ralucadriga8831]

Pleaseee, never stop doing these videos. You are God sent. ❤

[@NewBird5]

As a borderline, we can get treated the worst & still wont leave their partner. Guilty as charged haha . We also try to pull our partner back in but its not love or reunion, its hateful vengeance as they have already done the crime of abandoning us. My ex tried to talk rationally over phone for 4years , but I was not in the right mind set and ended up mostly trying to punish him for giving me the traumas. I thought only I was the victim and for me it was honestly the most painful years, always highly anxious about not feeling safe with him, all 3 fears of abandonment, rejection, engulfment and then i had to look into my own sickness. But then people like me also ending up not getting the right information about any of this anywhere. 5years ago, I was diagnosed with full blown BPD, anxiety, depression, obsession , paranoia when i first walked into therapist's office with 8 cuts on my left arm. ( i harmed myself while me & my psychopath ex were beating each other up, he stopped beating me after he saw what I can do, maybe he snapped to reality but then he left and i hoovered him back later that day, so twisted. I still remember that day and see myself as the girl from the movie 'Split') The MMPI test of 600 questions was asked to be done too , and it was weird that my therapist wasn't serious at all about all the weird answers i had did in the psychopathy/anti-social part of the leaflet. I wonder how can that be ignored , never discussed even. Now, at this stage my therapist says i have traits of bpd, narc, sociopath, paranoid, schizoid after i asked them to be comfortable & just say it. It's a joke , how they diagnose you with no clarity, if the therapist cannot point exactly about my disorder , then how are they gonna help me at all? CBT therapy since 5years and it didnt open my eyes to who i am , what i do , why i do and whole time my quality of life & relationship got worse & worse. I do blame & feel extremely annoyed at the time & money wasted in therapy so far. Are these therapists so afraid of telling us our own wrong ways? Also, I was told to cope up using my psychopathic defenses, which made me rationalize my vindictiveness and punishments to those who hurt me, gladly I pulled back in time.This is where Sam Vaknin comes in picture. He puts it out all raw and all of us have to chew it. Someone needs to do us this favour. I would like to thank Mr. Vaknin for sharing his indepth experience & knowledge, and the way he has dissected the multiple personality theory & post trauma self states. To everything that i have read and researched so far, its what resonates the most with me. I can see the times when I am behaving in a borderline way , instant switch to narcissistic way and my reckless/impulsive/out of control/substance abuse( antisocial behaviours have extremely slowed down and almost vanished in recent years) alcohol is now as repulsive as the promiscuity. It's been so much easier to quickly switch to disordered techniques than actually facing and feeling the pain, hurt but a truth seeker will do it, we know there is no other way. Sam Vaknin gives us a door that once we see, we cannot unsee.

[@FelixPutz]

seriously? YOU GET TREATED WORST??? stfu... you are monsters

[@DeborahMaguireBilodeau]

Excellent explanation of Cluster B strategies

[@nealmessier4675]

So very true in every way. Thanks Professor! The real deal! Deep, complex, at times confusing, and aggravating, but explained so very well by you. No one does it better! Thank you! 🙌

[@user-ln1lm2kq3p]

I attempted to date one of them. Didn’t get too far. It was all confusing AF, and I think I’m finally beginning to make progress in my recovery from the abuse. I guess I wasn’t narcissistic enough, and maybe I lack the capacity to help her maintain this sort of sick dysfunction!

[@ElizaLL0621]

ENTITLED to take over others bodies and minds. My father has done this with one of my brothers, who now feels entitled to 90% of his inheritance!!!

[@troysrob]

I did the second time with the same person. 18 years later. It destroyed me completely this time. Kids from her previous partner. I’d wish this pain on no one.

[@Lilnasty-jo3dc]

In the same boat bro, 15 years with her and her last husbands kids! I love the kids and want to protect them but they are her kids! 🤷‍♂️

[@fleur8462]

this is 💯 validating my experience with a BPD who might be a covert narcissist

[@PianoKeySurfer]

When you are talking about the perfect fantasy v. reality of revenge, it reminded me of the book 1922 by Stephen King. The character fantasizes and is shocked by how horribly his grandiose, dramatic plan fails to work. It grows his resentment and he projects it outward to his neighbors as well as his victim. It’s a great unreliable narrator and a fun, quick read.

[@martinegagne5326]

Probably one of your best video! Thank you for sharing!

[@camfrancisco]

Just got the book, 600+ pages of fun

[@TalybahSage]

Sam, I knew a borderline/vulnerable Narc comorbid who had this situation.. her boyfriend abandoned her over a shallow reason and she obsessed over him for months but did not coerce him to take her back. Finally, he came back to her stating he missed her and wanted to work through what he said was her ‘flaws’ he struggled to deal with. She was on cloud 9 for about a year then devaluation began when she started to see he put his family of origin esp his mother first.. he would abandon her dates if mother needed help with something etc. at first she put up with it but resented it but the resentment simmered for years despite her not breaking up with him. At this point she almost hates him. Is this the typical path of a scorned borderline who is then welcomed back?

[@renatalandsmanova125]

I mean... He sounds toxic AF.

[@dominusbalial835]

Thanks for making all of this content, is mildly difficult to find information on personality disorders and you serve as a good source that I find trustworthy overall.

[@suesmith6037]

Thank you Sam, you are truly a blessing to my life. May you be blessed. I have listened to so much of your content and it has enlightened and freed me. You are gifted, and a much need voice in our world today. This is your purpose. Everyone is suffering from some sort of illness. It's infliction upon each of us should be used to help others.

[@vbgirl3023]

The BPD is the daughter and the Covert NPD is the father. Father is her "favorite person" and he over indulged her since birth. Makes for a cringe-worthy enmeshment. I don't think it will ever change.

[@aalves9453]

The pwBPD that I dated was exactly like this. She admitted she had her dad wrapped around her little finger. She also mentioned that her dad would take her instead of her mom to certain outings that would be normally be reserved for a wife. The other interesting dynamic was with her mom, who she accused of not loving her, because her mom wanted a son.

[@vbgirl3023]

@@aalves9453 That was the exact dynamic when he was married to her mother. Then he divorced and married me, and I think it's what triggers her BPD rage. We have a normal marriage and she wants it to be like before where her Dad spent all his time and money on her only. She goes into rage whenever we spend time alone. She has tried everything to sabotage our relationship and I have to admit it's working. The manipulation, constantly scheming for his attention from feigned helplessness and illnesses, to suicide threats. 16 years old but acts like she's 6 - rude, entitled, selfish, angry and makes the whole house feel dark. It's exhausting

[@franco2b145]

Same.. a smother and son duo. Made him into her sonhusband. He slept in her bed up until the ripe age of 15. She would send him half naked selfies once a week! 😳 I found them in his “Fort Knox” locked phone one day when he forgot to batten down the hatch,..🤢 He hates her under the surface. To the public, he’s the doting perfect son. An extremely symbiotic relationshit. I got the heck out of there with the children. Thank you LordT!!! 🙌🏾🙏🏾

[@aalves9453]

I watched this and Amber Heard came to mind. The clincher was Amber saying that she had to expose evil Johnny for the sake of other women. She wanted to be an example.

[@dilfuzakhaydarova2859]

I love your videos. I found answers to my questions. Thank you so much Dear Professor ❤❤❤

[@marilynmonheaux6356]

This helped me so very much. Thank you Dr Vaknin.

[@bb13458]

Great explanation. Thank you. 100 % true.

[@sgspecialfaded]

Professor Vaknin, I love your insights, but sometimes I find myself thinking that you're also describing how "normal", well-adjusted people behave and feel. For example, almost everyone I know engages in "drama" to some extent or other, and the attitude of "all the world's a play" is probably the most common outlook on life, e.g. people often say "I feel like I'm in a movie!" I guess I'd like to know how to distinguish between behaviors and feelings that are truly pathological and just being human.

[@vandolmatzis8146]

If you can say , I feel... Then you pretty much human.Imho.

[@mariarosado4120]

En la intención, si es buena o mala 🤔.

[@mephisto212]

I know what you mean, and I think if you're dealing with one of these type B personalities from a normal acquaintance level you probably won't notice. It's when you get really close up and engage and usually in a relationship. The fighting and drama takes on a very strange character and you wonder what the hell is going on. After years of thinking there's probably something wrong with you eventually you get therapy and the therapist tells you you're fine and based on the numerous stories you've told your therapist they tell you to get the hell out. In conclusion, you won't know how to distinguish until you are the subject of abuse for years and then go to a therapist. Good times!

[@bigtreecombatacademy2927]

I don’t know people who deliberately engage in drama

[@sgspecialfaded]

@@bigtreecombatacademy2927 Well, deliberate or not

[@cnunex1766]

How long does the supply last? Weeks? Days? My covert narcissist drops his meds whenever he feels better and then, when the supply is over, he reverts and looks for drama and supply.

[@mfalcon6297]

Thank you!

[@lisyonok2023]

I have done the mortification, but it (the android 😂) keeps trying to befriend me. I assume this is not to be able to hoover at later stage, but to enable it to take revenge on me. Am I right?

[@CGray-gw4ll]

Spot on !

[@tamakorewha2656]

Thank you for explaining your mentions of Her/She

[@user-xx8un8zr2b]

מבריק כל מילה ..אין לתאר

[@pluvio7208]

So many videos on how to overcome a narcissist but how to deal with your own narcissism or sociopathy. Can you please make a video on this topic?

[@samvaknin]

I did.

[@pluvio7208]

@@samvaknin will watch. thnx

[@Mvictoria222]

This is so interesting. So, the borderline essentially transmutes his/her self-hate into hatred of the intimate partner, mom/dad, a friend, someone else, right? What would it mean if the Borderline sat with the self-hate? Embraced & integrated with it?

[@bajkerjohnvolta]

well let me share you how it looked in my experinece. I had borderline ex GF and she was working on her self for a long time. But then as soon as she started precive me of cheating (she had toxic coworker that hated men), or started to realise that i might do that, everything fliped on its head. It started to happen as Sam described, endless vengance and hatred without any reasionable background. She even started to put her self in dangerous situations in order to be "saved". Problem with them (from my experience) is that you never know if they are trully healing them selves or just faking it in order to satisfy you. BPDS are liek cameleons, they will do everyting to be loved, even if that means completely changing who they are.

[@newman977]

​@Bajker Volta no arguments from me on that one! My separated wife immediately jumped into bed(literally the day she said we were separared) with a guy and moved in with him 2 weeks later. She played herself up to everything he loves to do, although I know she doesn't like much of it at all. She's love bombed and sex bombed him to reel him in and morphed into his ideal parter, and a victim to be "saved". Little does he know what's down the road for him!

[@bajkerjohnvolta]

@@newman977 yes, and after awhile, they you are bad object for everything 😔

[@nic867]

​@@bajkerjohnvoltathis is so sad coming out of a relationship with a Borderline woman. I really miss her but at the same time I would never be sure how long it can last.

[@bajkerjohnvolta]

@@nic867 yes indeed and then you ask ure self if everything was real or fake. It really meses you up.

[@timothyhoffmann7005]

When I tell my long term female covert…. You’re going to be so happy without me…… she comes back with……… don’t make promises you can’t keep….. looks like her nurse practitioner just switched her back to sertraline from Zoloft…. Still on trazadon….. I’m doing a partner diagnosis of a covert because she needs fuel and supply but she is all over the cluster B spectrum

[@janinevandenheever3898]

Can you help. Was my ex a narc. We met 2 weeks after his wife died. Got engaged 4 months after we met. I asked him if this was not to soon. Said she had an affair at the time of her death and things was not going good between them. ( THIS LADY LOVED HIM SO MUCH, SHE WAS A SELFLESS MOM ANDA GREAT PERSON. SHE DIED OF AN ANURISM) Shocked me when he said he loves me very soon after we met. He was married previous time as well. But he told me this onky lasted 6 months and she was bipolar. Had affairs, abused him. I saw a picture of a little girl. He told me he had 2 foster girls he helped out with. Is actually a biological child from is SIX year marriage to his first wife. And the 2nd a gi he had in a relationship that he had after his marraige ended. He told me I should get pregnant. He had his deceased wife children in foster care. He said he was tired looking after other peoples children. God blessed as with a boy. Finacially i was looking after the household. He could not hold down a job, so we tried building up his own consfruction business. I felt jealous of the children. I think he did the triangulation thing with them. Soon after we got married be started telling me that i will always be his second priority to his children. When our son arrived, we were both his 2nd priority. He witheld sex since the birth of our son,which was the last 3 years of our marriage. Always said it will happen again he just needed time And I needed to be better with the children. He lied to me about so many things and and started chatting to a rich cousin just before he discarded me. He and the children is now living with her. He is not paying child support because he states his son has me to look after him. He needs to look after his foster kids. He told his aunt i left because of another man. I AM GOING CRAZY.

[@tonipetrova]

Yes. 100%.

[@aalves9453]

A pwBPD will litteraly date anyone. She will idealize this new partner and become whatever his dream woman is. This will include indulging in all the sex he can handle. In return the pwBPD asks that the partner endure her dysregulation. This of course is an impossible task. The unspoken covenant is eventually broken, and the partner cannot be trusted anymore. She'll reel him in and punish him as many times as he can take. Eventually he's the one who becomes dysregulated and the pwBPD can tell society ... see I told you he is evil. Have at him.

[@sandeep_k55]

Astute observation

[@cielciel1535]

Symphony.

[@steves3032]

If Narcissists and Borderlines blame shift and refuse therapy, what leads them to get diagnosed?

[@samvaknin]

When they hit rock bottom or are forced into evaluation or therapy.

[@itchyscratchy7167]

My husband fits certain characteristics of a narc but not all. How do I know for sure?

[@oysterchampion8998]

Check out dr ramani. She just looks at it as a personality style and less as a diagnosis

[@mtr0469]

Omg! So you mean the worst is not over? I just broke up with my partner of 18months. Should i expect stalking and vengeance? I had enough of him . I still liove him but enough is enough. 😢 . Its like walking in eggshells. One minute he is ok then lashing out at me the next. Accussing me of infidelity when there is none. Puts words into my mouth . Accusing me of enticing other men in the gym while he was all along with me in the gym. Wants me to be by his side 24/7. Suffocating. And they lie so much. I suapect he has bpd/npd traits.he refused therapy. He said he is a good person.

[@marilynmonheaux6356]

Did you experience stalking or hoovering since you posted this

[@BelleResells]

I have someone in my life who has latched onto me and love bombed me and my empathy had me feeling so bad, almost observing the narcissist like he was under glass - the red flags were huge. I was wondering if he was borderline or a covert narcissist, i seem to attrack ppl with borderline the last 2 guys i rejected (i didnt even know these guys really) were actually diagnosed.

[@jenaskye1567]

Why would they divorce you then after they got you pregnant & they had the affair? And they do nothing to fix it?

[@epfizerdoolittleajl2165]

What's 'spin rejection'?

[@IRONBYRON3]

Reframing the rejection as though it were their idea and doing; that you only rejected them because they made you do it, like a puppetmaster.

[@epfizerdoolittleajl2165]

​@@IRONBYRON3 lol I just realised how I misread the title 😅

[@user-xx8un8zr2b]

אז איך להיות אותנטי בתוך כל הדרמה והסחרחורת הרגשית? מהי עצתך

[@samvaknin]

Subscribe to my Nothingness channel.

[@cromagnon201]

Amber Heard comes to mind...

[@martinolsen6972]

Very insightful. Sounds very much like Donald Trumps patterns!

[@fart_sound-fd1qc]

Thnx brō-I’ve been trapped in some crazy hourglass that has become increasingly difficult to flip,yeah-Ur teachings hv been integral in my mind but hv found wanting in my lived life moving forward….keep trying to be future focused but keep defeating myself when I’m reaching healthy patterns and success in practical ways???? I’ve studied and learned a lot and I want to just move forward but can’t get beyond the idea that I’m unworthy of being more when I’ve failed everything I believe l was supposed to be for the ones I love,cldn’t live for anything else then her or others fo s0 long, and now I’m stuck in my own pain and failure to be the exuberant,outgoing and courageous man l still remember being…????? I’m greatfull for Ur express and tutoring-I’ll keep @it, yeah-get on abt it??? Thnx again 🤌✨