How Can I Forgive My Parents for Childhood Abuse?

Ask Pastor John
Episode: 1368
Transcript: www.desiringgod.org/interview...

[@GiftyEliyanaGraceActs]

I think someone who has gone through childhood abuse should address this issue. Someone who knows the pain, hurt and the brokenness. And many such parents have no remorse or regret! What about narcissistic parent? Someone who has gone through that and come out victorious by the grace of Jesus Christ should speak.

[@alivewithchrist777]

Yes especially with narcissist parent who continues to hurt & turn people against you....ide like to know how someone has overcome that,boundaries? Complete no contact? Im currently no contact, but i do want to honestly know how to love & honour them.

[@stickerlady1774]

I’m completely no contact.

[@elizabethpatterson1776]

I am 66 years old and my abusive mother is 91 and still abusing in subtle ways from her nursing home. After my father died I went to low contact, one or two visits a year and infrequent phone calls, remembering her on her birthday, Christmas, Easter and Mother’s Day. We live 800 miles away from her, and that helps. This is just to say, I know where you are coming from. In the Bible we are instructed to honor our parents not to specifically love them, anymore than we are instructed to love our fellow man. How do we honor them? We honor our parents by what we do with our lives. Are you living a life that is honorable? That alone honors your parents. It really irritated me when I never forgot to remember my mother’s birthday and spent weeks struggling over what to give her, only for my gift to go unacknowledged and to be ignored on my own birthday. I would think of things I wish she would have to endure, like having to live her life all over again with a mother just like her. It makes me feel badly now that I would think that. She is very afraid of dying, with good reason, but I still, in my heart of hearts, want her to be transformed, to ask forgiveness, if not from me, from God, so she can be in heaven. If she were all of her good qualities and none of her bad ones: gaslighting, demeaning, and devaluing, she would be easy to love. She is attractive, well read, a great conversationalist, and ought to have been a writer. If we want what is the best and not the worst for our abusive parents, we have gotten to the point of forgiveness. The first thing is to be willing to want the best for them. Second make an effort to want the best for them and pray for them daily. I used to center my prayers regarding my parents around me and my suffering, not them. Now I pray only for my mother to be forgiven to save her own soul. If you are not ready to be willing, google Dr. Judy Rosenberg Mind Map. It helped me a lot. John Piper is wonderful, but he hasn’t reached you where you are because he has never experienced abuse. We can both forgive him for that. Much love, Elizabeth

[@alexiscolby9415]

Gifty Eliyana Grace Acts 17:28 I agree, this pastor has clearly not experienced a traumatic childhood. He does not know how to address people who are in pain and hurting from their childhoods. I really can’t stand people in the church who keep saying things like: well it’s because you haven’t been praying enough or your not giving it to God, your not fully submitting etc it’s always the victims fault for not trying hard enough with God...if God is big and powerful and infinite (which is what I believe and know He is) than shouldn’t He be able to truly hear us warts and all?? I’m so tired of being chastised by other Christians for trying to be honest with the way I truly feel about my parents and what they did, as a hurt person I don’t want to forgive them, I feel rage and hatred - but deal with that, don’t low key threaten me with oh well if you can’t forgive He won’t forgive you??? Seriously??

[@GiftyEliyanaGraceActs]

Just saw the replies in this thread. Bold Love by Dan Allender is a good book.

[@MsBeloved89]

I was abused as a kid. I still feel the effects of it as an adult in ways I thought I never experience.

[@JesusSaves77799]

I am so sorry for your hurt as well. I am writing my reply to you as well here in that I hope it will help you!! I think that Jesus commands that we forgive yes, but we also are commanded to separate ourselves from sin. I think this video is dangerous in that it only speaks of forgiveness without protecting yourself and your heart. I think that we can absolutely forgive people, but that we do not have to let them back into our lives if they are not repentant or try to right wrongs. Boundaries can actually help people in that they can teach them right from wrong with their behavior. For example, if a young girl gets hooked on drugs because her boyfriend is a drug dealer. Should she forgive him? Yes. Should she stay away from him? Absolutely!! She is of no help to herself or society if she keeps hanging out with someone who could be possessed by the devil and who very likely would lure her back into taking drugs! It means that by staying away from him she is fleeing from evil and being careful with the company she keeps! This is biblical!! She is not wishing evil on him or taking revenge, but she is honoring herself and her safety. I think this Pastor is saying something so dangerous by saying just to forgive without offering all of Jesus’s verses that say to flee from evil. I think that because this is your parents, you can try very hard to rectify with them if they are sorry. But take it one small step at a time. If they have passed, please forgive them as all things work for the good to those who follow and love the Lord. God could have given you this experience to allow you to help and empathize with others struggling with the same thing!! Here is a verse below that talks about walking away from fellow believers if they sin, refuse to repent, and reject these three attempts. However, as I said with your parents, be open to rectifying with them if they approach you and say they are sorry. Tell them how you feel, but distance yourself until you see changes. ““Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18:15-17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬ www.bible.com/114/mat.18.15-17.nkjv I also think that this video by Allen Parr (of what he believes forgiveness is and isn’t) might be of great help to you. It certainly helped me! kzbin.info/www/bejne/joC1nouepM6kb5Y Another thing that I think is important too is that our purpose here on this earth is to bring people to the Lord. Sometimes we can best do that by protecting ourselves, living Godly lives, and telling people who hurt us about the love and forgiveness of God. Again, this doesn’t mean that we have to be in close proximity to them. We can share the Good News from a distance while also protecting ourselves unless they repent and really show some signs of change!! But please don’t dwell too much on past hurt. God may have used this to being you closer to Him!! But again, you don’t have to remain in the pain! You can express yourself and distance yourself until you see some true repentance. God Bless You in your recovery and growth with God. Just remember, He Loves You!! 🙏

[@JesusSaves77799]

@Colorful Animations below is a reply that I sent to him. God said that He is the God of Justice, and that vengeance is His. We don’t actually know what type of lives the abusers are living. Many are in torment themselves. Here is my reply. I hope this can help some people who have been really hurt to heal: “I am so sorry for your hurt as well. I am writing my reply to you as well here in that I hope it will help you!! I think that Jesus commands that we forgive yes, but we also are commanded to separate ourselves from sin. I think this video is dangerous in that it only speaks of forgiveness without protecting yourself and your heart. I think that we can absolutely forgive people, but that we do not have to let them back into our lives if they are not repentant or try to right wrongs. Boundaries can actually help people in that they can teach them right from wrong with their behavior. For example, if a young girl gets hooked on drugs because her boyfriend is a drug dealer. Should she forgive him? Yes. Should she stay away from him? Absolutely!! She is of no help to herself or society if she keeps hanging out with someone who could be possessed by the devil and who very likely would lure her back into taking drugs! It means that by staying away from him she is fleeing from evil and being careful with the company she keeps! This is biblical!! She is not wishing evil on him or taking revenge, but she is honoring herself and her safety. I think this Pastor is saying something so dangerous by saying just to forgive without offering all of Jesus’s verses that say to flee from evil. I think that because this is your parents, you can try very hard to rectify with them if they are sorry. But take it one small step at a time. If they have passed, please forgive them as all things work for the good to those who follow and love the Lord. God could have given you this experience to allow you to help and empathize with others struggling with the same thing!! Here is a verse below that talks about walking away from fellow believers if they sin, refuse to repent, and reject these three attempts. However, as I said with your parents, be open to rectifying with them if they approach you and say they are sorry. Tell them how you feel, but distance yourself until you see changes. ““Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18:15-17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬ www.bible.com/114/mat.18.15-17.nkjv I also think that this video by Allen Parr (of what he believes forgiveness is and isn’t) might be of great help to you. It certainly helped me! kzbin.info/www/bejne/joC1nouepM6kb5Y Another thing that I think is important too is that our purpose here on this earth is to bring people to the Lord. Sometimes we can best do that by protecting ourselves, living Godly lives, and telling people who hurt us about the love and forgiveness of God. Again, this doesn’t mean that we have to be in close proximity to them. We can share the Good News from a distance while also protecting ourselves unless they repent and really show some signs of change!! But please don’t dwell too much on past hurt. God may have used this to being you closer to Him!! But again, you don’t have to remain in the pain! You can express yourself and distance yourself until you see some true repentance. God Bless You in your recovery and growth with God. Just remember, He Loves You!! 🙏”

[@satchrules101]

i'm in the same boat bro.

[@sunshiner29]

This is why so many things that Nova Lynn said can help you! Jesus changes us!

[@southpolesurfer6936]

Same. Really made me a reactive. Always in survival mode person. Which exhausts me. I’m grateful fir lord Jesus. In who I love immensely & gods word. I love being a disciple. Gods word is soothing & comforting.

[@novalynn5837]

I really want to comment here on my experience. I agree with what Pastor John is saying, but it's hard to hear if someone's abusive situation is fresh. It has taken me a long time to reach a point of forgiveness for my parents. I always loved them, always said I forgave them, but the Peace Jesus has given me has been the most therapeutic thing. For me, forgiving them, meant reminding myself that they are SOULS, LOVED by GOD, and the reason for their behavior is because they were hurt too. They are humans, that error, like everyone else. God forgives me for what I've done wrong, and I didn't deserve it. How can I not forgive others who may not deserve it, if God leads by his amazing example of mercy. The hard thing about abusive childhoods, is it leads to a long excruciating battle mentally. I prayed a lot, especially asking Jesus for help when I would have flashbacks, panic attacks, anger/emotional breakdowns etc. Reading the words of Jesus, in Matthew, Mark, Luke or John showed me how love really looks and renewed my mind. I think centering my focus away from my past and hurt, and to the love of Christ has me working towards progress and growth in everything including healing my once broken heart.

[@GiftyEliyanaGraceActs]

Novalynn thank you for sharing

[@amyjohnson8607]

Nova Lynn, thank you. Your comment is much more helpful than this video.

[@sunshiner29]

I am so thankful for this reply. I hope you testify on KZbin. Please see my reply.

[@sunshiner29]

Jesus said, love your enemies.... [I did, I do they are my parents]. Then He told me how: bless them that curse you. This is something most little children do, by the Holy Spirit's influence. [I love you Mommy, I love you, Daddy] Do good to them that hate you. [Here, Mommy, I brought a flower for you. Here, Daddy, I brought a flower for you] Pray for them that despite- fully use you & persecute you. [Dear Papa God, please deliver my Mommy, deliver my Daddy from the evil inside their heart & mind. Help them to call out to You, when they are angry, & hate-filled... Dear God Jesus told me to hate, my father's & mother's life of sin, to hate my sister's & brother's life of sin, to hate my life of sin. I, do, because You show me what our lives of sin do to Jesus & You, & others. I pray for You to make me like a lamb among wolves, wise as a serpent & harmless as a dove. I pray this for my enemies in my family. You have heard my cry & brought me out of an HORRIBLE PIT & established my goings, thank you for saving me. I hope you can save them]

[@SD_Chosen]

God Bless Your Heart of Jesus, Being a Parent, Who Failed My Children Horribly, Due To Drug Abuse and Past Abuse, I Pray and Do My Best Everyday to Seek God for His Mercy and Love, To Heal Those I Have Hurt, I Hate Who I Was, And I Love, Who God Really Wants Me to Be Lord Help Us All.

[@DaemonPix]

Trust me, I tried having the conversation with my wife about forgiving those that have wronged you. She is a survivor of childhood trauma and the conversation did not go well at all. I was genuinely concerned at how bitter she was becoming with me and everyone around her. Her response to me was that I was being abusive and she termed it gaslighting. I have revisited the conversation in my head too many times at this point. I was not being abusive but trying to urge her on to a healthier life, but that doesn't matter when you are talking to someone that has suffered so much grief in their lifetime. I regret having the conversation with her because it set us back in a big way. There is a good reason that most childhood trauma survivors don't have many friends, adjust your thought patterns, just be there for them and let God work on them. That's what they need the most.

[@kikinatrone]

And pray for them and show them Gods love.

[@thetruehustler1365]

If you haven’t had childhood abuse, don’t go there.

[@mday3821]

I was abused by my narcissistic mother and I don't have enough tears for what she has done to me. I struggle everyday with the resentment I have. I want and need to forgive her.

[@patrickhamilton7849]

Praise God!

[@patrickhamilton7849]

@simonfischer4624 Jesus says otherwise.

[@jordenthe13thdisciple97]

What has always helped me is remembering that forgiveness releases the burden off of my shoulders! forgiveness does not change the guilty (er) party much but it does release the burden of stress and anxiety off of our shoulders. Plus how can we not forgive when God has been so gracious to us!!!

[@lionofjudahlambofgod9132]

Graciously allowed non stop abuse. Why.doesnt He forgive the non elect if He wants us to forgive our enemies. Why doesnt He?

[@MsIncatrail]

I have been to Christian my entire life, and now at age 48 I came to the sermon for the same answer as the writer of the email. I was so dismayed to hear that the pastor seem to actually be skirting the issue of the writers pain. Everyone understands that they are supposed to forgive and that they are not to be vengeful about it. But the commentator did not even touch on the man's question regarding how to get over the painful memories that creep up. My experience, and I'm assuming the experience of the writer, is that we do everything that we can to forgive the abusive parents, but every time we try to move forward the memories pop up. I fully agree that someone who has lived with the same experience should have answer the question rather than beating around the bush and not answering the question at all. .

[@JesusSaves77799]

Here is a response that I wrote to the original person asking the question in this video. I hope this response can help you too and I am so sorry for what you have gone through. Please feel free to share any feedback or thoughts with me. Thanks!! “I am so sorry for your hurt. I think that Jesus commands that we forgive yes, but we also are commanded to separate ourselves from sin. I think this video is dangerous in that it only speaks of forgiveness without protecting yourself and your heart. I think that we can absolutely forgive people, but that we do not have to let them back into our lives if they are not repentant or try to right wrongs. Boundaries can actually help people in that they can teach them right from wrong with their behavior. For example, if a young girl gets hooked on drugs because her boyfriend is a drug dealer. Should she forgive him? Yes. Should she stay away from him? Absolutely!! She is of no help to herself or society if she keeps hanging out with someone who could be possessed by the devil and who very likely would lure her back into taking drugs! It means that by staying away from him she is fleeing from evil and being careful with the company she keeps! This is biblical!! She is not wishing evil on him or taking revenge, but she is honoring herself and her safety. I think this Pastor is saying something so dangerous by saying just to forgive without offering all of Jesus’s verses that say to flee from evil. I think that because this is your parents, you can try very hard to rectify with them if they are sorry. But take it one small step at a time. If they have passed, please forgive them as all things work for the good to those who follow and love the Lord. God could have given you this experience to allow you to help and empathize with others struggling with the same thing!! Here is a verse below that talks about walking away from fellow believers if they sin, refuse to repent, and reject these three attempts. However, as I said with your parents, be open to rectifying with them if they approach you and say they are sorry. Tell them how you feel, but distance yourself until you see changes. ““Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18:15-17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬ www.bible.com/114/mat.18.15-17.nkjv I also think that this video by Allen Parr (of what he believes forgiveness is and isn’t) might be of great help to you. It certainly helped me! kzbin.info/www/bejne/joC1nouepM6kb5Y Another thing that I think is important too is that our purpose here on this earth is to bring people to the Lord. Sometimes we can best do that by protecting ourselves, living Godly lives, and telling people who hurt us about the love and forgiveness of God. Again, this doesn’t mean that we have to be in close proximity to them. We can share the Good News from a distance while also protecting ourselves unless they repent and really show some signs of change!! But please don’t dwell too much on past hurt. God may have used this to being you closer to Him!! But again, you don’t have to remain in the pain! You can express yourself and distance yourself until you see some true repentance.” God Bless You too in your recovery and growth with God. Just remember, He Loves You!! 🙏

[@louisegardenia7674]

@@JesusSaves77799 thank you, this comment really helped me and answered all my questions. I’m grateful to have the scriptures and links you provided too. I’ve forgiven my mother but I have only seen her once in 28 years and she tried to beat me up and called me names like she did when I was a kid. I had to leave the town at 15 to get away from her. I’m glad you explained that forgiving doesn’t necessarily mean having contact with them. She’s an extreme hoarder and cares more about her stuff that people.

[@tdb511]

Dear poster and everyone concerned, I know how you feel. God has taught me to: 1. Pray for them. Its virtually impossible in the long run to stay resentful towards someone you're genuinely praying for. I believe that's one of the reasons why God asked us to pray for our enemies. 2. Ask God to strengthen your inner man. Your spirit. Once your spirit is healed you will stop seeing yourself as the victim and you will infact feel for them as regards their time of ignorance. This has worked for me and I hope it works for you too.

[@leorenthlei3186]

Yes. The same thing happened to me as well. The 2 points you mentioned always takes place whenever I walk in the Spirit. Whenever the Spirit takes over my prayers, I would pray for my parents as well, exactly how God would want me to pray for them, seeing them in the eyes of God - His image. Having prayed for them, forgiveness becomes easier. But trust is a different case. If there are no fruits of repentance shown, we don't have to necessarily continue trusting them.

[@tdb511]

blaze i absolutely agree

[@thesweetandlivingwater]

@@leorenthlei3186 yes! If there are no fruits of repentance shown we do not have to trust them! A lot of Christians don't believe this. I do. We had to repent to the Lord unto salvation and then we showed fruit from true repentance . Its biblical

[@evera_]

Amen Thank you for your testimony!

[@nmm5214]

Asking The Lord to remove all the hatred you have towards your earthly parents may also help.

[@michaelangshuk9303]

I have been Christian for 12 years and I learned so many things. My wisdom was increased because of God's grace.Its really hard to forgive my parents.They never loved me. Always beat me , word curse me and says everything about me which I am not. I was always recognised as a stupid child,lack of intelligence and common sense even now. I think this things everyone abused in childhood can relate Whenever you ask your parents whether they love you or not They have a very good safe zone and really that's a very good way of defending themselves-I fed you since childhood,and you have this shelter.This is there excuse. I forgave them but I always feel angry not only on my parents but sometimes on God that why He sent me on this family. I really regret my life I am lost and I have no hope You can never experience a fully loved enjoyable life if you have parents like this I forgive you my Earthly parents for ruining and still ruining my life

[@nadinegomez8858]

I feel exactly what you feel. I dont understand why God has allowed my parents to abuse & hurt me so much to the point of wanting to die

[@awiphe161]

I've forgiven my abusive father countless time as well as praying for him to understand how hard i am working towards receiving his understanding and love. I can say I've done nothing to hurt him, I've been hurt everyday for 8 years straight.But the abuse upon both physically,emotionally and mentally just kept going... I've tried to kill myself countless times but my faith has kept me away from doing it so. I am just so broken mann.. I don't know what to do..

[@JesusSaves77799]

I am so sorry for your hurt as well. I am writing my reply to you as well here in that I hope it will help you!! Please don’t take on the pain of what your father did to you by wanting to hurt yourself. Please separate yourself from him to protect yourself and seek a good counselor and some kind and safe people to be around. Below is my generic response to this video: My response to this video is that I think that Jesus commands that we forgive yes, but we also are commanded to separate ourselves from sin. I think this video is dangerous in that it only speaks of forgiveness without protecting yourself and your heart. I think that we can absolutely forgive people, but that we do not have to let them back into our lives if they are not repentant or try to right wrongs. Boundaries can actually help people in that they can teach them right from wrong with their behavior. For example, if a young girl gets hooked on drugs because her boyfriend is a drug dealer. Should she forgive him? Yes. Should she stay away from him? Absolutely!! She is of no help to herself or society if she keeps hanging out with someone who could be possessed by the devil and who very likely would lure her back into taking drugs! It means that by staying away from him she is fleeing from evil and being careful with the company she keeps! This is biblical!! She is not wishing evil on him or taking revenge, but she is honoring herself and her safety. I think this Pastor is saying something so dangerous by saying just to forgive without offering all of Jesus’s verses that say to flee from evil. I think that because this is your parents, you can try very hard to rectify with them if they are sorry. But take it one small step at a time. If they have passed, please forgive them as all things work for the good to those who follow and love the Lord. God could have given you this experience to allow you to help and empathize with others struggling with the same thing!! Here is a verse below that talks about walking away from fellow believers if they sin, refuse to repent, and reject these three attempts. However, as I said with your parents, be open to rectifying with them if they approach you and say they are sorry. Tell them how you feel, but distance yourself until you see changes. ““Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18:15-17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬ www.bible.com/114/mat.18.15-17.nkjv I also think that this video by Allen Parr (of what he believes forgiveness is and isn’t) might be of great help to you. It certainly helped me! kzbin.info/www/bejne/joC1nouepM6kb5Y Another thing that I think is important too is that our purpose here on this earth is to bring people to the Lord. Sometimes we can best do that by protecting ourselves, living Godly lives, and telling people who hurt us about the love and forgiveness of God. Again, this doesn’t mean that we have to be in close proximity to them. We can share the Good News from a distance while also protecting ourselves unless they repent and really show some signs of change!! But please don’t dwell too much on past hurt. God may have used this to being you closer to Him!! But again, you don’t have to remain in the pain! You can express yourself and distance yourself until you see some true repentance. God Bless You in your recovery and growth with God. Just remember, He Loves You!! 🙏

[@patriciamockovciakova3392]

Awi you need also to forgive yourself and accept yourself. You are a god child,and you deserve to be loved . Please let the god love you. Free yourself of the shame you felt during abuse. I hope you get better.

[@mahlettadesse1682]

I feel your word lik its mine 😪🥺

[@satchrules101]

kind of hard to forgive when they say I didn't do anything to you'

[@evera_]

That's what my mom was doing (had to cut ties with her). But keep seeking God's provision for the grace to forgive. Resentment is a nightmare...we have suffered enough already! Jesus will provide peace and comfort, He is faithful!

[@SD_Chosen]

If they did, Apologized and tried to make Amends the best way they know how Would you truly forgive? Or make up another excuse not to?

[@del941]

Hi I know it has been 3 years, have you been able to forgive? Most likely they will never ask for forgiveness so it’s painful to forgive but once you do, even if you have to shed tears, it feels freeing. My dad suffers from extreme narcissism, always tried to make me “less” because he never wanted me to go far in life. He has beaten me, neglected me, actively ruined many of my chances to achieve something, tried witchcraft on me and even tried to have me killed and continues to do me wrong. I forgave him because the weight of the anger was weighing down my soul. At times, I still shed tears from the pain but I no longer take him seriously as I see clearly now how deeply satan infiltrated his heart. I had to get away from him, but I sometimes pray that God brings him to deep repentance, because at the end of the day, both you and I would finally feel heard, validated and maybe even healed if we knew our abusive parent truly repents of the pain they caused us.

[@simonegrant417]

I pray God will deal with these wicked parents, they abuse the innocent and should be held accountable

[@SD_Chosen]

I Hope more of them Repent Because if they do Would be less abusers 🙏🏽❤️

[@thesweetandlivingwater]

Yes forgiveness is a choice daily. But not setting boundaries with toxic people is very unwise. We aren't doormats

[@caesargil7493]

Born Again yes. I had to forgive my dad. It’s a choice we all make but I keep my boundaries. Hurt people bleed out, offer them a hand if they refuse, prayer is out duty. I lived with my dad for one year in Texas and came out of Texas wounded which brung a lot of consequences in my heart, mind and identity. Thank God I decided to forgive my father a man who I barely knew and came to know by unfortunately getting to close to. When we decide to forgive we set ourselves free but when we are wise we avoid being hurt and carrying unnecessary burdens.

[@jilliandanielle8058]

Sometimes you can forgive someone but not let them back into your life. I chose to do this because letting my father back into my life would be a danger to me because he really is a bad man. And so forgiving him was for my own peace. I wished him peace and love even though he did not ask for it. I will never speak to him again but I have peace knowing that I did the right thing by forgiving and offering him the same peace that I have found. Just because you forgive someone does not mean that you have to allow them to hurt you again.

[@Yesica1993]

This is a good start. But it also needs to be addressed how to handle older parents when you are an adult yet they are still emotionally abusive. Are you just supposed to sit there and take it? Or is it okay to speak up? Some of us don't have the option of leaving when we are taking care of older parents. That's hard enough. But to be every day treated like trash by them becomes unbearable. I don't want revenge. I don't hate them. I just want them to STOP screaming and/or swearing at me, and refusing to cooperate in any way, shape, or form, as I do my best to try and help them. That's all I want.

[@MsIncatrail]

This is the answer that I also came looking for but the pastor just skirted around the issue and preached what I already knew....

[@JesusSaves77799]

This was my response to this video. I hope it can help you and others who are suffering!! “I am so sorry for your hurt. I think that Jesus commands that we forgive yes, but we also are commanded to separate ourselves from sin. I think this video is dangerous in that it only speaks of forgiveness without protecting yourself and your heart. I think that we can absolutely forgive people, but that we do not have to let them back into our lives if they are not repentant or try to right wrongs. Boundaries can actually help people in that they can teach them right from wrong with their behavior. For example, if a young girl gets hooked on drugs because her boyfriend is a drug dealer. Should she forgive him? Yes. Should she stay away from him? Absolutely!! She is of no help to herself or society if she keeps hanging out with someone who could be possessed by the devil and who very likely would lure her back into taking drugs! It means that by staying away from him she is fleeing from evil and being careful with the company she keeps! This is biblical!! She is not wishing evil on him or taking revenge, but she is honoring herself and her safety. I think this Pastor is saying something so dangerous by saying just to forgive without offering all of Jesus’s verses that say to flee from evil. I think that because this is your parents, you can try very hard to rectify with them if they are sorry. But take it one small step at a time. If they have passed, please forgive them as all things work for the good to those who follow and love the Lord. God could have given you this experience to allow you to help and empathize with others struggling with the same thing!! Here is a verse below that talks about walking away from fellow believers if they sin, refuse to repent, and reject these three attempts. However, as I said with your parents, be open to rectifying with them if they approach you and say they are sorry. Tell them how you feel, but distance yourself until you see changes. ““Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18:15-17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬ www.bible.com/114/mat.18.15-17.nkjv I also think that this video by Allen Parr (of what he believes forgiveness is and isn’t) might be of great help to you. It certainly helped me! kzbin.info/www/bejne/joC1nouepM6kb5Y Another thing that I think is important too is that our purpose here on this earth is to bring people to the Lord. Sometimes we can best do that by protecting ourselves, living Godly lives, and telling people who hurt us about the love and forgiveness of God. Again, this doesn’t mean that we have to be in close proximity to them. We can share the Good News from a distance while also protecting ourselves unless they repent and really show some signs of change!! But please don’t dwell too much on past hurt. God may have used this to being you closer to Him!! But again, you don’t have to remain in the pain! You can express yourself and distance yourself until you see some true repentance.” God Bless You too in your recovery and growth with God. Just remember, He Loves You!! 🙏

[@manicpixiedreamgirl7930]

Pastor John is perfectly correct, but I missed the sensitivity and compassion with which he usually handles sensitive cases. If you read these comments you can see the struggles and pain, just like my own. I wish he acknowledged these people's feelings who were helpless children. I feel like he had more compassion for a grown man asking about porn than for these people who were helpless children. I feel like the church often claims to be anti-abuse, but then turns around and enables the abusers by telling their children/subordinates to be submissive and grateful.

[@debbieward9732]

“Someone I love once gave me a box of darkness, it took years to understand that this too was a gift.” - Mary Oliver Forgiveness is a gift. We can only take from the bounty God offers and offer it to others. My mother died when I was still furious with her, it did take awhile to partake of the peace Jesus offered me yet when I did it changed my life.

[@toria.239]

"You don’t have to bear the awful weight of being the judge and the avenger yourself. You can trust that justice will be done. Punishment will happen in hell, or will have happened on the cross. Sinners will bear it, or Christ will bear it." I cannot help but weep. Thank you Jesus for the cross.

[@76monikaW]

I had to re-listen like 3 times to start to understand what he is saying. I think it’s a bit easier said than done these 3 strategies. (1. Be amazed at your own forgiveness. 2. Let God settle your accounts. 3. Ponder how this hurts you more than anyone.) There’s more to the complexity of victimhood. You can’t just think straight. You do not know what is reality. You feel like you are not you because someone took “you” away. You feel trapped.

[@SD_Chosen]

Forgiveness releases that, But just like with God, One must Repent in order to get Forgiveness 🙏🏽 ❤

[@Netbug009]

"The sin of anxiety," oh gross, I had a bad feeling about the theology here and then you went full-blown "mental illness is sin." And then you have the gall to tell anybody who questions you for saying "just do better because if you don't you'll do to Hell" that they're questioning Jesus, using a scripture that has little to do with the issue at hand??? For Pity's sake. Why do pastors like to respond to someone asking for help with a sin problem with 1000 scriptures about why it's a sin? We KNOW THAT. We KNOW unforgiveness hurts us. That's why we're asking for HELP. We're so beaten down. Our own parents, the people who were supposed to most reflect God to us out of anyone in the world, didn't love us, and all anybody in the church gives us is the "well nobody's perfect, all have sinned" speech and another reminder we won't go to Heaven if we don't do better, completely invalidating the uniquely difficult struggle of a child abuse victim completely. Some of us have trouble believing in a God at all after that, and all the church has to offer us is piling onto the endless scolding, lack of sympathy, and not actually LISTENING to what we're saying that we dealt with constantly as children. None of these points are practical, and most of us already know them. Give those of us who need to forgive anew each day some HOPE for a change.

[@rebecca2752]

I reckon it’s tantamount to spiritual abuse

[@msell2682]

I've experienced this and the abuse man is not saying he doesn't want to forgive, he is saying those memories hunt him. He already feels it's wrong not to forgive. He's asking how to forgive someone who hurt you deeply. Something helped me in my walk with Jesus is to pray for help from the Holy Spirit to heal you and to help you to let go of that pain. Also praying for the people that have hurt you. Praying for their salvation and that God blesses them to one day come to know him and his love and that he heals them too. Pray that he can give back what the enemy has used them to try steal and destroy. "Not for God to punish them." As Christians we don't need to re- victimize the victim by telling them how wrong they are for what they are feeling. GOD knows what's in your heart and we need him to help us with the things that we can't change on our own "We already know that unforgiveness is wrong and already feel guilty" Philippians 4:8 also helps because when those thoughts creep into your mind it reminds you to rebuke the enemy because he's only wanting to torment you with the replay of your abuse. Each time ask the HolySpirit to guide you to peaceful thoughts.

[@AlanChambers]

I struggle with the same thing with my father. Interesting that we are also around the same age. I am 48.

[@JesusSaves77799]

I am so sorry for your hurt as well. I am writing my reply to you as well here in that I hope it will help you!! I think that Jesus commands that we forgive yes, but we also are commanded to separate ourselves from sin. I think this video is dangerous in that it only speaks of forgiveness without protecting yourself and your heart. I think that we can absolutely forgive people, but that we do not have to let them back into our lives if they are not repentant or try to right wrongs. Boundaries can actually help people in that they can teach them right from wrong with their behavior. For example, if a young girl gets hooked on drugs because her boyfriend is a drug dealer. Should she forgive him? Yes. Should she stay away from him? Absolutely!! She is of no help to herself or society if she keeps hanging out with someone who could be possessed by the devil and who very likely would lure her back into taking drugs! It means that by staying away from him she is fleeing from evil and being careful with the company she keeps! This is biblical!! She is not wishing evil on him or taking revenge, but she is honoring herself and her safety. I think this Pastor is saying something so dangerous by saying just to forgive without offering all of Jesus’s verses that say to flee from evil. I think that because this is your parents, you can try very hard to rectify with them if they are sorry. But take it one small step at a time. If they have passed, please forgive them as all things work for the good to those who follow and love the Lord. God could have given you this experience to allow you to help and empathize with others struggling with the same thing!! Here is a verse below that talks about walking away from fellow believers if they sin, refuse to repent, and reject these three attempts. However, as I said with your parents, be open to rectifying with them if they approach you and say they are sorry. Tell them how you feel, but distance yourself until you see changes. ““Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18:15-17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬ www.bible.com/114/mat.18.15-17.nkjv I also think that this video by Allen Parr (of what he believes forgiveness is and isn’t) might be of great help to you. It certainly helped me! kzbin.info/www/bejne/joC1nouepM6kb5Y God Bless You in your recovery and growth with God. Just remember, He Loves You!! 🙏

[@murderthemassacre]

It's hard for me because I was drowned and maltreated as a child by my father. He probably thought I was not gonna remember because l was so young, and he was right. For many years I repressed the memories of my abuse because I couldn't process it and face it as a child. All the abuse especially being drowned has led to developmental problems, anxiety and depression, low self esteem. The pandemic has given me the time to finally process and stop running from the abuse and trauma I have gone through, now I have the whole picture. Everything makes sense and why the trauma and abuse has also led me to do some questionable things in my life that I am not proud of. I'm glad the pandemic, this 2 years gave me this chance and I'm glad I can finally start to really recover from the years of abuse and trauma my father did to me and to become a better person. My father never apologized to me , which makes it even harder because of how much the abuse and trauma he did to me impacted my life, my choices, my perspective, and my development most importantly. But if one day he decides to apologize I would be ready to forgive him.

[@nadinegomez8858]

May I ask what you meant by questionable choices? Did you end up hurting people the way your father hurt you?

[@Edmartinez1799]

Forgiving, does that mean I have to be around them, love them?

[@Edmartinez1799]

If so count me out.

[@krisluvsutube2684]

I really don't think so. Prov 22:24 may help you.

[@Gravitywalker20]

You don't have to do anything especially if they are toxic.

[@jeanisa2343]

Forgiveness is one thing and reconciliation is another. You Do not have to reconcile just because you forgive. I know there is a KZbin video that explains it well :)

[@rw3979]

If they are abusive and continue to bring you pain then get away from them and stay away

[@Ursaminor31]

The greatest lessons are learned in this realm by extreme contrast and polarity.

[@lizinaz2480]

Let’s all step back for a moment. I simply don’t have enough information about the situation, nor do I think piper had enough information about this situation, to respond with the three points that he did. Lingering questions I have are as follows: has this person actually confronted their parents and told them how their behavior was sinful and did harm to him/her. Are this person’s parents still alive? I wish piper had mentioned the following verses: Luke 17:3-4. Jesus is clearly saying here that when a brother sins against us, we are to go to them and tell them of their sin, and if they repent, we are to forgive them. My question is this: does God forgive people who don’t repent? And if God doesn’t forgive people who don’t repent, what then about me? Am I to forgive people who don’t repent? Seriously, I have experienced so much pathetic advice from religious leaders about this issue of unforgiveness. Look, my Jesus says that if someone sins against me I should first go to them and tell them their sin, and if they repent, then I must forgive them. I think the main issue within the church that needs some serious addressing is that the church is not teaching people how to first confront someone and tell them of his/her sin, giving the offender the opportunity to repent. And then of course we must as Christians forgive that person. If that person does not repent after I have confronted them about sinning against me, Then by God’s help I am to maintain a posture ready and willing to forgive when that person comes to repentance. I don’t believe that the main issue is that we are harboring unforgiveness. I think the main issue is that we are simply not following Jesus’ command to go to the person first and actually tell them directly that they have sinned against us. Instead we tend to stuff it, partly because that is the path of least resistance and sadly it is also because we have had such a pathetic teaching and modeling from religious leaders within the church. Alastair Begg has been a huge help to me in pointing out that a regenerate person is not marked by being well behaved, rather by being a repentant and forgiving person daily. Oh for the day when we who call ourselves Christians truly understand how much we sin daily against God and others. And own our sin when confronted. The pride of man is an ugly beast.

[@Netbug009]

Most people in cultural Christianity are there because they don't WANT to be held accountable for their actions or even acknowledge specific sins. They like the idea of a magical instant Get-Out-Of-Trouble-Free-Card and many Christian parents who abuse love to leave the scriptures you just mentioned out. So of course the church isn't going to talk about how God expects us to repent of sins when confronted. That's too inconvenient for their pride and narcissism.

[@edopelawi]

Thank you for sharing this thought of yours. God bless you Lizzie.

[@rebecca2752]

Glad to find another person who sees the glaring omission

[@SD_Chosen]

Trouble is when someone does Repent Most people still don't forgive and the Offender carries that guilt around Hoping God's Grace allows them to forgive, because after they have truly Repented, What else can they do but Hope?❤

[@TheGreggoryDavid]

Your three points were accurate Pastor John. However your analogies were cold & the way you expounded on your points was really rather tone deaf. It translated as little uncaring of the legitimate trauma suffered and felt more condemning of the victim who is legitimately trying to forgive. Un-forgiveness wouldn’t write an email asking how to forgive. You seem to skip over the complexity of trauma and instead seem to suggest that if you’re struggling when memories of abuse come, you’re not a Christian. Sometimes forgiveness looks like 70×7. Moment by moment. Day by day. Process not perfection.

[@MsIncatrail]

As I commented above, I 100% agree with your comment!

[@Netbug009]

All of this. Pastor John seems to believe mental illness is a sin, as he alludes to with "the sin of anxiety," so of course he would think traumatic flashbacks are sin too.

[@JesusSaves77799]

This was my response to this video. I hope it helps people who are suffering!! “I am so sorry for your hurt. I think that Jesus commands that we forgive yes, but we also are commanded to separate ourselves from sin. I think this video is dangerous in that it only speaks of forgiveness without protecting yourself and your heart. I think that we can absolutely forgive people, but that we do not have to let them back into our lives if they are not repentant or try to right wrongs. Boundaries can actually help people in that they can teach them right from wrong with their behavior. For example, if a young girl gets hooked on drugs because her boyfriend is a drug dealer. Should she forgive him? Yes. Should she stay away from him? Absolutely!! She is of no help to herself or society if she keeps hanging out with someone who could be possessed by the devil and who very likely would lure her back into taking drugs! It means that by staying away from him she is fleeing from evil and being careful with the company she keeps! This is biblical!! She is not wishing evil on him or taking revenge, but she is honoring herself and her safety. I think this Pastor is saying something so dangerous by saying just to forgive without offering all of Jesus’s verses that say to flee from evil. I think that because this is your parents, you can try very hard to rectify with them if they are sorry. But take it one small step at a time. If they have passed, please forgive them as all things work for the good to those who follow and love the Lord. God could have given you this experience to allow you to help and empathize with others struggling with the same thing!! Here is a verse below that talks about walking away from fellow believers if they sin, refuse to repent, and reject these three attempts. However, as I said with your parents, be open to rectifying with them if they approach you and say they are sorry. Tell them how you feel, but distance yourself until you see changes. ““Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18:15-17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬ www.bible.com/114/mat.18.15-17.nkjv I also think that this video by Allen Parr (of what he believes forgiveness is and isn’t) might be of great help to you. It certainly helped me! kzbin.info/www/bejne/joC1nouepM6kb5Y Another thing that I think is important too is that our purpose here on this earth is to bring people to the Lord. Sometimes we can best do that by protecting ourselves, living Godly lives, and telling people who hurt us about the love and forgiveness of God. Again, this doesn’t mean that we have to be in close proximity to them. We can share the Good News from a distance while also protecting ourselves unless they repent and really show some signs of change!! But please don’t dwell too much on past hurt. God may have used this to being you closer to Him!! But again, you don’t have to remain in the pain! You can express yourself and distance yourself until you see some true repentance. God Bless You in your recovery and growth with God. Just remember, He Loves You!! 🙏”

[@AliAli-jp9es]

Thank you my brother you just healed me

[@timsharpe6652]

Ooh Gosh. Too close to home . The age around 10 onwards , dad would hit me way too hard too many times . We would also fight a bit . Even more when I do bigger and older and stronger . The fighting a few times was so bad . I nearly throttled him to death when I was about 18 . Dad got M.S. And he got sicker and sicker in time with this. We both forgave one another about 7 years before he died (he had Pnumonnia which with the M.S . He just couldn't fight of it . He was too weakened ) . We cried and cried when we had this raw talk . He died 3 years on Oct 12th . Even though the relationship wasn't where I wanted it to be it was so so much better than all the immense pain , suffering ect we had done to one another over the years . I'm so thankful I forgave him before he died . His death hit me so hard though . I've been impacted so heavily even to today . I know he's at peace but I still miss him each day. I still feel slight resentment , bitterness and anger towards God although no where near around about the first 2 years of his death . I went to such a dark place for a very long time . Please keep praying that I can let the rest of any of this I feel towards God go. I have cried and prayed about this . I then after 17 months lost a woman I deeply love . Still love . But we both hurt each other in different ways . Then she did the worst kind of betrayal I have ever know in my 36 years . After her deciding that she just wanted to remain friends she got with a guy . The level of Trauma these 2 losses have caused me . The later (with this lady) has consumed me that much I hadn't been eating well for about 6 months (since it all went a mess ) 9 weeks only if that when she decided to just remain friends and only about 6 weeks when she got with this guy . I couldn't remain friends with her after this . I couldn't handle / still can't handle that . I have never sobbed uncontrollably as many times as I with all the pain she causes me and this betrayal . I just can't seem to heal with the Trauma upon Trauma . I think I probably have some complex PTSD with all this now . And the health in the UK. I'm not getting the help I desperately clearly need . I have tried at least one overdose attempt with the pain of loosing her . I still pray each day for her . But it's been destroying me and i there is not a waking hour I don't miss her . I cry a little less but it is still so bad all . I still feel bitterness , resentment and anger towards her although I have prayed about this and also towards God for allowing her to cause this immense pain and Trauma and betraying me and abandoning me when she always would tell me she never would . She was pulling me away with my relationship with God so even though I know she wasn't right for me I miss her and I feel haunted by the memories of her. It has left like a bitter taste in the mouth . It would of been better that I had never met her at all . I don't know why God allowed this and what he wants from me anymore ? I'm so broken . Damaged so much I don't recognise myself some days . I don't even want to be around anymore . I feel like God has kinda abandoned me the moments in my life I needed him more than ever . I'm terrified . So broken and worn right down . This was hard to say this but I am I feel almost too far gone now . I don't know why through my life I have / still am suffering unbelievably . Thanks all ❤

[@Netbug009]

I'm sorry you went through that. If you don't mind some brutal honesty out of love, I think you may feel so broken because you're letting yourself accept some blame and guilt for being abused, judging from what I just read. You are NOT responsible for your dad hitting you. You were a powerless child. You growing older and starting to defend yourself doesn't turn this into a "well we both messed up" thing. Your father was supposed to teach you how to solve things using words and he DIDN'T, so of COURSE you learned to try and "talk" to him the same way he "talked" to you. You were a victim of child abuse and the only thing that makes you responsible for is growing up to treat your own family better than your father treated you. You weren't given the start or skills to do that you deserved and NONE of that is your fault.

[@edopelawi]

Thanks for your courage to share your story, Tim. It's been a year since you wrote this comment. I hope everything is better for you now... praying for you, your family, and the lady.

[@liviafarias3737]

This three suggestions helped me a lot Thank you

[@alphasuperior100]

Not getting revenge sometimes is weak shit.

[@NarrowPath_7]

Me too. Especially when i had responded to their verbal abuse out of anger but they hit with the honour your parents

[@Eric-tj3tg]

Check out Diane Lang with FOCL on YT talk about the church and trauma. She knows of what she speaks. This pastor, with no malice, hasn't walked THIS path. Blessings to all.

[@stevemorse108]

I find that it is hard to forgive my father who was a cruel and destructive narcissist. He pretty much drove me crazy as well as my sister constantly lying and being abusive and manipulative always to benefit his selfish needs. Had he had the 'courage' tp own his behavior or even been a violent alcoholic it would have been easier but he lied and turned the tables and denied so that we never got any closure or serenity. Someone said to me that the fact that I was the sole caregiver for my father for the last approximatively one and half years of his life visiting every day in various hospitals anti his last breath despite his seething anger and nasty moods means that I have forgiven him but it doesn't feel this way. I still feel disturbed and sometimes resentful towards him.

[@AliAli-jp9es]

I can't forgive my parents because they don't show any regret

[@evera_]

My mom even denies everything, attacks me, mocks me, etc. I cut ties with her because she kept hurting me too much. But I seek and will seek God's provision for forgiveness until I receive it. We are called to do that...even if it's hard. Healing usually doesn't happen overnight, but Jesus is faithful. Keep the faith!

[@SD_Chosen]

If they did Would you truly forgive? Or make up another excuse as to why you won't? Curious question.

[@HearGodsWord]

Abuse can mean many different things to people so there's no one size fits all approach but there are some good points raised here. It would seem sensible to speak to your Pastor for proper one-to-one support.

[@southpolesurfer6936]

Holy Spirit helped me forgive a abuser who died last week. He battered me as a child many times. With police attendance photographing my wounds. I’m 49 now. Abuser died last Sunday. As soon as I was told my step father died. I wept and immediately forgave him. As I only could with the help of him who dwells within. It’s 5am now as I type weeping with mixed emotions. Wanting to rescue me as a child and Also thanking god fir my own forgiveness. As my childhood affected my social skills & much more. Thank fully. I seeker truth & my lord brought me in and sealed me years ago. Still. I weep this man who abused me. I hand over his memory to gif as it’s his business. Mine is to share the gospel. Amen. Sad stuff those who abuse.

[@evera_]

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Glad God has given you the grace to forgive. Thank you for your testimony. Be blessed!

[@southpolesurfer6936]

@@evera_ thank you for your kind words I look back on the events with an adults perspective and I don’t have any bitterness or nastiness inside of me and I’m very grateful that I don’t have any of that I put that down to God and the relationship that he wanted to have with me and I’m very grateful for being called out of the darkness and into the light with Christ amen and I understand anybody who feels the same gratitude towards God for being called out of the darkness for those that has been forgiven much much gratefulness. Amen

[@lg1thompson305]

Pastor John didn't address the abuse that was inflicted upon the child. I believe that parenthood is a sacred duty, in that parents are to teach and guide their children the ways of God and reflect to their children the character of God, so that children may know and trust God. If that duty is not faithfully fulfilled then that has negative consequences for the emotional and spiritual well-being of these children. That's why this advice of pastor John is difficult to accept for children of abuse. He did not speak to or minister to the spiritual and emotional needs that have developed due to irresponsible, ungodly parenting. There are scriptures like Ephesians 6:4 that discuss the roles of parents.

[@SD_Chosen]

Parents make bad choices Some are worse than others, And if they truly Repent and try to make Amends the best way they know how It's possible for a Second Chance With God All things are Possible 🙏🏽❤️

[@GiftyEliyanaGraceActs]

That example is just confusing!!

[@rebecca2752]

Yes! And it said nothing about repentance

[@Kiki-fe2le]

I've noticed that those who struggle to forgive others underestimate their own wickedness and what they have been forgiven for.

[@Kiki-fe2le]

@Colorful Animations I abide by what Jesus commands and not forgiving is a sin. Hence my original comment. This is coming from someone who has been molested as a child and raped as an adult. We must love our enemies. As Jesus says, those who obey him, love him. When you understand your own heinousness and how much you have been forgiven for, you will have a much easier time forgiving those who've hurt you and love your enemies. God bless you!

[@Kiki-fe2le]

@Colorful Animations Sin means lawlessness in the Bible. Breaking God's commands. He tells us if we do not forgive, he will not forgive us.

[@Kiki-fe2le]

@Colorful Animations If you have a problem with God's commands, take it up with him. I recommend you read the Bible from start to finish to understand his character and hopefully to lean on his understanding and not your own.

[@Kiki-fe2le]

@Colorful Animations You do realize you deserve hell too and yet God is willing to forgive you? You are undeserving just as your mom, yet God offers his underserving Grace to you both. Read what Jesus says about forgiveness Luke 7:47. The entire story is great.

[@SD_Chosen]

Forgiveness requires repentance 🙏🏽❤️

[@ChatteNoireBlanche]

It has been 10 years since I moved out from my parents house. I though I had forgiven them bu I still have nightmares of my childhood abuse. In my last nightmare my father was chocking me. I don't know what to do.

[@timsharpe6652]

😪💔

[@shelleysolin6867]

our brains process what we deal with daily, in dreaming. we do not store things in our brain chronologically. so often we dream some strange things and places and people. it is horribly hard to forgive those who cause us pain. and it is not something we can do right away, once and for all. it keeps popping up, even decades later. we need to continually forgive. and at the same time take care of ourselves. we cannot change the past and we cannot change another person. but we can live today and be the person we were meant to be, and to cut the cycle of abuse. be kind to someone. reading the psalms helps me.

[@Netbug009]

Acknowledging what happened and being traumatized are not the same as being unforgiving. But forgiveness is a process anyway. You forgive anew whenever you feel resentment, just like you're forgiven anew whenever you make mistakes.

[@kayleechang7350]

You all must know that God is not someone who being only LEGALISTIC but Love. Forgiveness comes AFTER healing of your heart by God. DO NOT focus on forgiving at first, but more on healing of your heart. Trust him. He will heal you, cure you, and then enable you to forgive your parents. God is the Only Answer.

[@DaneStolthed]

My mother cheated on my father and got pregnant when I was 4 years old. They divorce soon after but many years later my mother would speak all manner of evil against my father to get me to hate him all the while keeping her infidelity a secret. My mother’s criticism of my father eventually rubbed off on me and to a degree I had become resentful of my father. My father recently passed away and the truth of my mother’s affair came out I was upset, even downright hateful for a period. I’ve said I have forgiven her but I still become angry when I am reminded of omission of the truth and hatred she fomented of my father. What does forgiveness look like? Sweeping it under the rug? Do I have to have to restore our relationship?

[@evera_]

Hi. this sucks. This must have hurt a ton. I'm sorry you had to go through this! ...(I will write a lot, and I write for me too as I am processing! But I think it will help you!) I cut ties with my mom. It's pretty recent and I have to pray a lot that God would protect my heart from resentment. That was the first thing I prayed and I immediately asked my pastor and his wife to pray for me so no seed of resentment could take place in my heart. I pray all the time that God would protect my heart above all else: "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." (Proverbs 4:23). I just talked with my husband tonight. This week have been challenging to say the least....Christmas is on the corner and it will affect our family gathering and it makes me angry...I keep thinking about all the awful and evil things she told me through the years... it haunts me and it is exhausting. My husband made me question tonight if I really resented her and if my heart was refusing to forgive her. No. I know she is messed up and she had a rough youth and life (not excusing her sins though, she is still responsible for resisting to let God heal her so she doesn't hurt others) and I feel like I cannot stay mad at her...I am sad for her. But I am angry, yes. I am hurt, yes. I have a lot of pain and I am realizing more and more just how much she has been hurting me and destroying me my whole life. And I mourn the mom I never had and maybe will never have. I feel vulnerable, I'm realizing just how deep the wounds are and how fragile I feel now. I feel like all the pain needs to come out. I am going through a whole lot of emotions. But every day, I try to let this burden to Jesus and I ask Him to help me to forgive her. And I feel most of the time like, yes, I have forgiven her. I love her and do not wish her harm. I am just deeply, deeply hurt. And I feel angry when I think of how she treated me. Sweeping it under the rug? No, it's never, ever a solution if you are still in a relationship. Because, sweeping it under the rug never resolves anything...and it is enabling the other to continue their sinful behaviour! ...But, when we look at Jesus, he did sweep all the injustice at him under the carpet, he endured and kept loving. BUT he saw right through the hypocrites and was harsh with them...but he knew their heart...we don't...The example He gave us is overwhelming to us because we still have our sinful nature. He forgave perfectly... we need to ask Him to help us to do so with our enemies! He said love and pray for your enemies... Not easy for us hey! I think we are called to endure. But, to which extent?...In an abusing relationship? I don't think so. In a relationship where the other person is not willing or is not healthy enough to have "the" conversation? Maybe. I tried so many times to have conversations with her but she keeps attacking me, gaslighting me, projecting, lying, denying, criticizing, mocking...At the end, I said that our relationship was hurting me too much and I offered to pay for Christian family therapy. She refused. ... I decided then to just let her in God's hands. But I could not be in this completely fake and hurtful, toxic relationship anymore. And it was the right thing to do!... I am planning to contact a Christian therapist after Christmas. I feel I need support to go through it all and I think it is a healthy thing to do...I do not want my husband to become my therapist either :) And I know it is not going to heal me instantly, it is going to be a process, now I know it was a lot of abuse, and it will take time, and I'm okay with that. I will take the time to heal and I will go to Jesus to get comfort in His healing love. Do you have to restore your relationship? It's between you and God. Personally, I cannot have a relationship with my mom because not only did she hurt me in the past, but she keeps doing it. She is not a narcissist, but she has several patterns of it...Some people have the strength to endure and not take their attacks personally. At this stage, I cannot. I need to protect myself at this point because it is affecting me too much. I do love her. I do pray that she lets Jesus heal her. But no, unless a miracle happens where she truly repents and truly change her evil ways, or unless God gives me an incredible grace to endure it all, I will not let her hurt me ever again. I tried to commit suicide when I was a young adult and now only am I realizing she was a big part (the biggest part) of the reason. She destroyed me and given the chance, she would just keep doing that. We cannot have a relationship with an abuser... That is why I cannot have a relationship with her, in fact there is no such thing as a "relationship" between us... But, if your mother is not hurting you still...even though she didn't say sorry for what she did to you in the past...I would pray and try to restore the relationship...when you feel you are ready. Someday, if you are ready to truly forgive her, you can just decide to let go and decide to "sweep it under the rug" and go forward, like Jesus did. He might give you the grace and the strength to just love your mom and doing so, He might use you to touch her heart, who knows? Have you tried to write a letter or have a conversation? And I get it could be hard, but if you love her and she is not acting mean anymore...I would totally pray for God to open the door for reconciliation. Finally, what does forgiveness look like? I think, letting go of trying to control the situation, letting God be in charge and not seeking revenge, not keeping grudges. I think we are to seek God's provision for forgiveness until we get it fully. I think this is our part. I was resentful of my child's father for years, he was emotionally and physically abusive and I broke up soon after my child's birth...and when I came to Christ, years after, I thought I had forgiven him...but I slowly realized I had not. But through time, Jesus healed me completely from the pain he caused me and He gave me so much compassion for him up to this day I pray that he gets saved and I show him kindness and even love. I believe Jesus, who is faithful, will heal me from the pain my mom caused me and will give me true and deep compassion for her and take away all resentment. Will I be able to have a relationship with her if she is still mean to me? I don't think so, for now. But, God is surprising sometimes isn't He? Keep the faith. (PS. I really like the comment right after mine!) :) Be blessed. Sorry for the extremely long message LOL

[@SD_Chosen]

If She Repents It's possible Use Wisdom ❤🙏🏽

[@bobbysworldrox]

This was a very strange answer.

[@rebecca2752]

Pretty astounded that Piper mentions nothing at all about the essential element of repentance, as in, Jesus forgives us when we repent and seek his forgiveness. Are we more Holy than God when we forgive people when they haven’t even asked for our forgiveness? Also, noticed he also introduces the words resentment and bitterness, whereas the questioner talked about rage and anger (different issues).

[@ameadows79]

I have often wondered, does Jesus really know what it was like, for people like us? I believe God the father made sure that Jesus had wonderful earthly parents, so how could he really understand us? I know Jesus was hurt abused and rejected by his own people, so is that the way he can relate and understand us?

[@zenith3002]

he took all our sins on that cross, past, present, and future. he feels it all, every single sin.

[@MekonenMeteor123]

How about a little compassion Piper…..

[@AdrianosThaGreat]

Thank you

[@jantelopez5626]

don't bother agonising with this when you should be building new memories that they can't touch... to learn how much kinder people are than your parent.. meet people, do things you love, work and prove that you can learn and one day you'll be able to see how empty and stupid an abusive parents motives are... abusers are people without the intelligence to come up with anything better to do and without the grit to transform themselves - do not validate them.. if your parent bashed another persons childs head with a hammer - would you agonise over forgiving them? you need to contain them and protect others. the shame is theirs to bear .. and we must protect kids by denouncing abusers.

[@steps2truth6885]

Why does the victim have to be consumed with guilt because they cannot forgive or forget what was done to them?

[@SD_Chosen]

If they believe the Bible then, they understand we all need grace at some point Some more than others, And also just like God does us, One must Repent truly before forgiveness is even considered 🙏🏽❤️

[@PrimeTime345]

There is a difference between forgiveness (a Christlike mindset) and enabling your unrepentant, violently abusive parents. Christ himself was not a doormat. Sure, he forgave the moneychangers in the temple... once he was done beating the crap out of them. I know, I know, vengeance belongs the Lord. I do not seek vengeance. I have forgiveness in my heart. Just pointing out that Christ’s vengeance/mercy is expressed via paradoxical outcomes. As such, my forgiveness is better expressed by spending my time volunteering to help the poor, instead of trying to repair a nonexistent relationship with my unrepentant, violently abusive parents (who I’ve forgiven, as a matter of virtue). Christ demands forgiveness, not abasement to perpetual evil.

[@JustUnsubscribed]

What if they, still doesn't change after I forgave them?

[@SD_Chosen]

Forgiveness requires repentance ❤️🙏🏽

[@richellepeace4457]

I will be sure to turn a blind eye since its so forgivable...

[@janetsavona7590]

My mother was an extremely nasty woman Very cold natured and abusive I don't keep contact with her But never the less I wish her well

[@grizlyspectr5695]

Can you leave your parents and not feel dread about it? I feel good sometimes about finally working and being stable but then I think about not helping my parents because they were abusive stupid addicts and I feel my happiness or blessing leave.

[@Beeeep24]

“The sin of anxiety “lol does this dude read the bible. Was Jesus not nervous and anxious before he went to the cross. Statements like that are dangerous and stupid. All it does is confuse people.

[@AliAli-jp9es]

I can't forgive my father 😭 neither my mother 😭 I did honour my parents only because God say so, my father stamps on my head while I was sleeping. He almost killed me with an axe,

[@souronion3822]

I’m so sorry for you. Hold on strong to God.

[@nahidmahmud3706]

I can't recover ..don't know how to

[@devinkline4755]

I dont know how to forgive my Biological parents Cause my Biological dad gave my Biological mother drugs while I was in the womb and yes I understand he gave them to her but the fact is she didn't half to take them she had the Choice and she knew that if she did drugs while she was pregnant that it would effect her baby who was me drastically I actually went through a withdrawal after I was born cause of the drugs I almost died but thank God the doctor was able to save me but even though I'm alive I suffer from a bunch of disabilities and she gave me up for adoption but actually my adopted mom is my Biological dad cousin so I'm related to my adopted mom by blood but instead of my cousin she's my mother but even though my Biological dads related to me and my mom he never bothered to attend any of our family reunions neither did my Biological mother or any of my Biological family accept my new parents who are Biological 7 cousins once Removed I Don't know weather I should or shouldn't forgive my Biological parents what do I do Cause my Biological mother promised me she would quit drugs but she's still doing them and her 37 Birthday is on may 19th 2020 and she's going to spend it in jail she gets out on may 20th 2020 but still that's upsetting and my Biological dad promised as long as he's doing drugs he wont come around and that was 4 years ago in 2016 but he still hasn't come around and its may 2020 so he's probably still doing drugs what do I do forgive them or forget them

[@eleanorstobo7385]

A practical aside to this cold theology; you can't forgive perfectly if you are still in pain, and God will accept imperfect forgiveness of a soul in pain. In the struggle is the victory. Also, try Contemplative Prayer, there are lots of resources available on KZbin, but I think kzbin.info/www/bejne/Z5K0noSradGonNE is a good place to start. It has certainly helped me to cope with a similar situation in which the anger for justice became dreaming of acts of revenge; this practice just helps you take a tiny step closer to giving the compassionate love of your true nature a defence against thoughts that are injurious to you. Gods love to you, and I hope and pray you will find a peace.

[@adeliawilliams4884]

God doesn't forgive without REPENTANCE. Look up the word "rebuke" in the Greek. Part of the definition is "to honor." Jesus rebuked the Pharisees in Mat 23 and He wasn't meek and mild. "Christian" parents who abuse their children are WOLVES. If they won't acknowledge or repent of their abuse, hand them over to the Living God. Jesus told Peter what he binds on earth will be bound in heaven and what he looses on earth will be loosed in heaven. Don't burden adult victims/survivors of abuse to "forgive" and "honor/respect" their abusers.

[@kathleenwharton2139]

Unforgiveness IS Hell! I was a victim of murder-suicide and lost both my parents when I was seven years old. This has been a very difficult forgiveness. And it is not my parents..I have to Forgive. It is the Love of Money and Religion..the cause of the tragedy. Relgious self-righteous men that sound like John Piper..and the many people who claim religion..but in truth Love their money! My family generational Curse. And the worst..I married it! I have had to suffer from this for a life time. Sometimes you cannot See what you Need to Forgive! That can be the hard part.. But I am getting There! Jesus is the Only One Who Can Help you See so you know what you need to Forgive. Pretty much I Avoid Relgious self-righteous money loving people! It makes the Forgiveness overwhelming sometimes! I do Best with humble people in the world..just Good humble people who are Not Church indoctrinated. Forgivess is very big part of my life as I have to forgive the worldly and the religious. Jesus is The ONLY ONE Who Can Save you from this! He Helps me EveryDay..and it is not easy..because it is EveryWhere!

[@JesusSaves77799]

I am so sorry for your hurt. I think that Jesus commands that we forgive yes, but we also are commanded to separate ourselves from sin. I think this video is dangerous in that it only speaks of forgiveness without protecting yourself and your heart. I think that we can absolutely forgive people, but that we do not have to let them back into our lives if they are not repentant or try to right wrongs. Boundaries can actually help people in that they can teach them right from wrong with their behavior. For example, if a young girl gets hooked on drugs because her boyfriend is a drug dealer. Should she forgive him? Yes. Should she stay away from him? Absolutely!! She is of no help to herself or society if she keeps hanging out with someone who could be possessed by the devil! I think this Pastor is saying something so dangerous by saying just to forgive without offering all of Jesus’s verses that say to flee from evil. I think that because this is your parents, you can try very hard to rectify with them if they are sorry. But take it one small step at a time. If they have passed, please forgive them as all things work for the good to those who follow and love the Lord. God could have given you this experience to allow you to help and empathize with others struggling with the same thing!! Here is a verse below that talks about walking away from fellow believers if they sin, refuse to repent, and reject these three attempts. However, as I said with your parents, be open to rectifying with them if they approach you and say they are sorry. Tell them how you feel, but distance yourself until you see changes. ““Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18:15-17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬ www.bible.com/114/mat.18.15-17.nkjv I also think that this video by Allen Parr (of what he believes forgiveness is and isn’t) might be of great help to you. It certainly helped me! kzbin.info/www/bejne/joC1nouepM6kb5Y Another thing that I think is important too is that our purpose here on this earth is to bring people to the Lord. Sometimes we can best do that by protecting ourselves, living Godly lives, and telling people who hurt us about the love and forgiveness of God. Again, this doesn’t mean that we have to be in close proximity to them. We can share the Good News from a distance while also protecting ourselves unless they repent and really show some signs of change!! But please don’t dwell too much on past hurt. God may have used this to being you closer to Him!! But again, you don’t have to remain in the pain! You can express yourself and distance yourself until you see some true repentance. God Bless You in your recovery and growth with God. Just remember, He Loves You!! 🙏

[@theprolificnetwork4670]

I did with I don't care what anybody says. You cannot heal in the place you were harmed. Even christ couldn't do miracles in his hometown.

[@josevillanueva7601]

Not a minute early not a minute late

[@traweler155]

Inducing fake feelings? I know it. This man was very franky. I was also trying long with no avail. I don't believe anymore the "teachings".

[@adrianfoca865]

The church goers need a lot of forgiveness

[@jackywebb2713]

Disgusting u say anxiety is sin .better to listen to diane langberg on trauma .You've totally evaded the question and no disrespect ur not qualified to answer this because the man is in so much pain and sounds like he wants to forgive but that doesn't take away the pain

[@LiftingUrVeil-LUV]

I hate when people quote Bible verses to help someone going through something like abuse. To me it’s lazy and weak.I think people hide behind religion in order to seem connected to people.

[@Kriscandy_]

My hate towards my parents is really big, I feel unable to live, as I hear this I feel a knot in my throath cause i wanna cry so bad. They never loved me nor cared about me, parents always say they want to leave me and live freely, i even struggle to follow God and trust him and his love, cause it was all scary and horrible. I'm always scared of being okay. Why do I feel like I want to hate my parents?, they ruined me and I feel so... I don't know..... can I hate them?, I feel the necessity to hate them....help

[@adrianfoca865]

Not going to forgive my church for brainwashing my parents after they did what they were told

[@eagyinjection]

This advice is perpetuating abuse, you are supposed to be a human punching bag and forgive all your abusers. Just because Jesus died for us does not mean that we should let abusers keep on abusing us.

[@Melissa-ch7vu]

Pastor / you never actually answered this man’s question. He KNOWS he needs to forgive. Your answer is using guilt - which is disgusting when discussing a sensitive subject as this is. This man was brave enough to bring up. Please do do “teach” on something you have no personal experience with. This is the reason people run from Christianity. Sad.

[@celebrity_rooster7488]

You don’t. Just make sure they stay poor forever.

[@hlb0111]

That example he gave made no sense to me.

[@damianwhite9058]

Mister Piper, your lunacy grows greater with each year that passes

[@Yesica1993]

And yet here you are. Who's the "loony" one now?

[@exigy.]

"how do I forgive my parents who abused me?" the listener asked "okay so pretend you're guy fawkes lmao" pastor john began...