How to Forgive Your Parents

Joshua & Ryan discuss forgiving your parents and letting go of the past. Watch “Maximal” episodes of The Minimalists Private Podcast exclusively at / theminimalists
Watch an extended version of this episode:
• Ep. 141 | Parents
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[@ahoardersheart]

Forgiveness does not excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart ❤️

[@reg8297]

It can't really prevent it from destroying your heart if what they did already destroyed your heart I had abuse that caused further ripple effects of abuse right thru my life and it certainly destroyed my heart

[@s.crockett5457]

@@reg8297 I'm totally with you. I I've said I forgive my parents plenty times. However, as SOON as they say or do something that rubs me the wrong way...I start to feel like I felt when I was a child. SOOO...MUCH...HURT & my heart beats so fast

[@plat0zkl0zet]

Yessss yesss that thick skin begins to buildup and protect her and she solidifies her forgiveness to allow her to heal for her 💯

[@plat0zkl0zet]

I definitely agree with how he said standards for the ones you feel protective over and not yourself at times 💯

[@lindseyhiebsch6322]

That's because u didnt truly forgive them in your heart. That can take a long time depending how long they continually hurt your heart. And the longer we dont communicate that, the longer itll keep going. Its OUR responsibility to communicate with the people around us what we need, and if they still dont oblige, obviously within reason and being realistic, then make changes. It's about personal responsibility. No one else is responsible for our feelings. It doesnt matter what happens to you but how you react to it that governs how it effects you. Much love for wveryone here. The key is filling those hurts and scars and boo boos with love.

[@hoorano]

What is really hard is when what they did or didn't do as a parent to shape your outlook in life that is still affecting you today in a major way.

[@kaseycentanni753]

i have been estranged from my parents on and off for ten years, and i can say with certainty that the time they weren’t in my life were the best years of my life for sure.

[@DrogoBaggins987]

Kasey Centanni I can relate. The only good things in my life have been the things that my family didn't know about. It wasn't until I got away from them that I realized how much damage they did to me and how much they enjoyed watching me fail.

[@Larindarr]

@@DrogoBaggins987 me to... and it hurt that they enjoyed it... but worse than they were not conscious about it. That it was out of their own attachment.

[@chicago2colombia]

I can relate to your experiences and how my parents enjoy that I fail. I went on vacation for 3 months to work on healing and I realized that I’m constantly having a problems with Women. My Mother is alive and I’ve been wishing bad things toward her and I haven’t had peace in my life. I’m currently looking for ways to completely forgive her.

[@alessialevante5355]

Sometimes it can just take communicating with them. Growing up, I found that my dad was very critical of me, critiquing everything I did. I started to resent getting any feedback from him, avoiding talking about my choices with him for the most part. But one day, I realized that why I hated his critiques was because they were always negative. I decided to take a small leap and explain that I always hated getting feedback and talking about choices with him was because he was so negative and never explained what I was doing well or what he agreed with. Surprised, he was taken aback at first, but since then, getting feedback has been much more uplifting, instead of tearing me down. I know that, by no means, will work for everyone, but sometimes it can help to really try to step out of you perspective of seeing the other person as attacking you and try to genuinely discuss with them what is wrong.

[@artwithmamafairybreadd]

I’m so glad you did this….I can’t understand why most of us won’t just SAY THE WORDS…WE ALL MUST TELL PEOPLE how we feel…you never know if they will listen and learn and do better….it’s worth a try if it’s your parents….BE BRAVE, SAY What you Gotta say, JUST LET THE WORDS FALL OUT……

[@av-sp1wo]

Some people just can't help themselves and no explaining ever will get them over that. Learnt it the hard way.

[@lindatait5326]

If forgiveness is too hard try acceptance. Forgiveness should follow in time.

[@lindseyhiebsch6322]

They go hand and hand my dear! Once you accept something is how it is and ypu cant change it, then we are able to forgive. But without acceptance forgiveness is really hard

[@alexadellastella5247]

foregiveness should not follow! SHOULD nothing actually.... foregiveness is a manipulation tool and it is manipulated since it goes hand in hand with repentence from the abuser normally. You can understand where your parents come from ok but when they decide to stay the same and dismiss the damage, foregiveness won't help anybody, not you and not them. Foregiving will help you stay dissociated uncosnciously and will rpevent the inner work. When you are healed you will feel NOTHING towards the abuser, this is true healing, so foregiving isn't even a subject anymore in that case, you just do not care and feel nothing towards your abusive parents, this is the only way to heal. Forgiveness is a trap which makes you feel as if you were good and holy whereas you are dissociated

[@ELS1221]

I have been estranged from my bio mom for 10 years now. In those 10 years, I’ve graduated high school, college, I got married, we bought a house, I’m starting a family. These 10 years have been the healthiest years of my life. Speaking of “deserving”, it took me a long time to realize that I deserve to live a life free of toxic people and toxic things. Because you share blood with someone, doesn’t mean you owe them anything. I’ve found that the best family, is often the people we choose ourselves. Not those chosen by genetics.

[@aureliocosta2872]

Erin Denardo thank you very much for such a powerful insights

[@MrSebastianBlake]

Wow this is amazing to hear. Thanks Erin

[@josephuk2609]

So true!!! Once the toxicity is gone, you can live your best life.

[@JTNYLI]

You are strong! :)

[@mandolaa4855]

@@aureliocosta2872 👏👏👏

[@syrahlover]

i finally started letting go of the negatives i felt around the relationship with my mother with an epiphany .... the day i realized that when she died, she met her maker, and in her life review, she would feel all the feelings her children felt when she was so dysfunctional in "raising" them .... and for the first time in a long time, maybe ever, i felt sympathy for her and the healing began .... thing is, when i had this epiphany, i was already an old lady, lol

[@monayfromdabay]

deep

[@lito4900]

Never heard of people thinking it that way, that you meet your maker and experience the pain of those you hurt. Cool thought. I wish you the best ✌

[@joannemarshall1771]

Ryan please remember you are so loved by so many, thank you for your honesty and truth.

[@Beckiegrim14]

I think a big part of relationships with parents that we totally don't consider is: why did they choose to become parents? Everyone has their own motives, was it to have the privilege of raising a human and watching who they become openly and with love? Often that is not the case, for many it is to raise a person that reflects who they are and has their values and is like the perfect version of themselves. For some it is to bring someone into the world that will take care of them whenever they want. Maybe it's time we start asking our parents with curiosity, what made you decided to become a parent and what did you want to get from doing so? What did you envision parenthood as being? Until we know what their expectations of the relationship are then we can't know why they act the way that they do. Also, it can help us to let go of our desire to please them, as was stated in the video, they don't 'deserve' anything in particular from you, and understanding the ways in which their expectations don't align with the ways we want to live our life can help bring clarity to the situation so that you can make peace with it. I certainly think it's time for me to bring those questions forward in my family...

[@AM-kq6tv]

This is very insightful. Because their ideas as to why they (or in my case 1 parent) wanted to have children. 1 of them wanted to to get the other one away from a marital relationship. The other one had no idea these were the intentions. So it makes sense to me some of why they act the way they do. One wanted to control me and use me as an extension to them the other one just tolerated me and never really took on the role as father.

[@GreenVegan816]

The family stuff is heavy stuff sometimes. We don't get to choose family members like we do friends and we might not have chosen them to even hang around with, let alone, grow up with. So we have to figure that out and let go of trying to make it be what we want it to be. I have to be what my mother wants me to be when I'm with her or it doesn't work well. I don't like it, but it's the only choice if I want to spend time with her. Sad thing is, I don't choose to visit her very often because of it.

[@danielserrano2923]

You

[@lindseyhiebsch6322]

Theres this whole idea that our souls picked the specifically family we r in for a purpose. to help their souls learn lessons and for them to help us learn the lessons we are meant to but the amniotic fluid in the womb actually brings about amnesia. It's a pretty old idea through ancient civilizations they only jsut started to actually investigate.

[@artwithmamafairybreadd]

Jesus Christ…I’ve been trying to find the right words to describe my relationship with my mum…and you just nailed it…and I hardly visit as well because she’s so unaccepting of me….

[@lindseyhiebsch6322]

@@artwithmamafairybreadd same. My whole family my whole life has tried to change me and make me be something and someone I'm not. Which never worked out for them but def hurt me also. But shit that makes me want to be super accepting of my kid lol

[@lindseyhiebsch6322]

I also just had my mother grand mother and step dad and sister over and when I'm quiet then th ey coax me into talking and then we have more conflict. They don't like the things I have to say. I'm a little more fantastical, excited, deeper thinker and they are not. They think my ideas and things I believe are nonsensical and probably think that I'm losing my mind bc of some of the spiritual truths I've come to know... it's hard not being able to be your spiritual true self in front of those who are suppose to love you no matter what. We dont always get that from family.

[@carpediem3510]

Ryan spot on : " I can treat you however I want and you have to love me because I'm a family member!" .... that's my father!! Nailed it Ryan!

[@claudiawakarie8092]

And That's exactly my mom.. she's a narc.. 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

[@ZenDragoonYT]

Both of my parents. But my dad in particular has told me "you dont have to like me but you have to love me"

[@artwithmamafairybreadd]

That’s my mum….she knows that I’m stuck with her, so she knows she treat me anyway she wants and I can’t do a thing about it…

[@vatiarutjani3346]

@@artwithmamafairybreadd mine too and they be like you are nothing without us and you know it so you better deal with us... They be saying all the bad words and expert me not to take it personal, and that I should get use to their behavior cos that’s how they are. It’s tiring

[@artwithmamafairybreadd]

@@vatiarutjani3346 you are exactly right when you say “they expect us to get used to their behaviour”…. because they are our parents we are expected to except everything they say and just roll with it…they expect to get away with all their bad behaviour just cos they are your parents…but it doesn’t work like that…..they don’t get it…..

[@Tayenmadsen]

Needed this one today. Tomorrow I fly out to visit my father in the hospital with alcohol withdrawal, the first time I'll have seen him in 9 years.

[@daniellebaer7166]

I witnessed my father go through the same thing. Stay strong 💪

[@artwithmamafairybreadd]

All the best my dear

[@sonjadomitrovic9740]

I love my parents and I want to be close to them and it hurts me so much that we (me and my siblings) can't seem to connect to them. No matter how much I try to be close to my mother,she keeps hurting me and it feels like every time we make a connection, I get hope that it will get better,but every time it gets bad again,it hurts me more and more. She is like a shadow over me and I feel like I need her approval to feel free in life. Either that or free myself from her,litteraly,physically. The latter seems so sad,but sometimes I fear its the only option.

[@charliewilder8065]

Some parents don't deserve forgiveness. They can do some horrible, shitty things to their children at young ages that will have lasting effects way into adulthood. And then they hide behind the "I'm not perfect" or "I did my best" excuses. F that. I'm much better off without them. Haven't needed them for 15 years now.

[@satchrules101]

I agree 100% I stoped talking to my parents, the memories are very hard to let go , the beatings my mom gave me , and verbal abuse, I’m just having a hard time to let go of those feelings I had as a child , teenager.

[@artwithmamafairybreadd]

Sorry for your pain Charlie….hope you grow to be a nice , caring person yourself….

[@jasminej2844]

My parents have deserted me in my hardest time even though they caused the pain. I have had a period where I stopped talking to them but I’m just so unhappy, but then when I begin to regain the relationship I start to fester anger and want to unload. It’s hard.

[@brittanyjones7264]

Im going through the same! I have alot of resentment bottled up and when I try to make an effort it all wants to come out

[@abstractbybrian]

you can change only one person in this world. that person is......................[drum roll]...................you

[@artwithmamafairybreadd]

I luv this…(especially the drum roll)

[@Jessthebes]

Something I’ve recently learned is that forgiveness and reconciliation are 2 different things. Forgiveness doesn’t require anything from the person you’re forgiving. They don’t even need to know that you’ve forgiven them. Reconciliation requires repentance from the other person … it involves honesty and accountability as well as a willingness to build trust again.

[@user-lf7uq7jf9l]

So if my parents are oblivious to how I feel even after communicating several times.... And I still feel resentful because I want them to repent........ How should I behave going forward if I want to forgive them and not hurt them when I am still living with them and still struggling . I forgive them one day and then they say something and I am angry again. I ll be moving out soon but i dont want to hurt them or hate them for something they don't understand at the same time i find it repulsive when they look proud of my achievements when they couldn't care less if I am dying inside as long as I smile for them and take care of them. How do I stop letting that annoy me? Do you have any tips to share.

[@user-ow7bi3se2b]

The part of this podcast that has really resonated with me since listening is the fact that we don't "deserve" anything. How is this something I've never thought of? It's been really impacting the way I think. Great episode!

[@Fverheijden]

Same for me. It's so weird I never thought of this

[@Larindarr]

there is a HUGE difference between DESERVING and ENTITLEMENT. DO not mix them it is so dangerous for your heart. You deserve love. You are not entitled to impose your ways on others. In MAria's Case, she deserves respect, her parents are not entitled to treat her that way just because they are parents.

[@anymarcos2355]

Apam Merlo exactly

[@MrSarahsweetness11]

If you marry a good partner, it’s that much easier to go no contact with a abusive or narcissistic parent. You can do it on your own, but you’re gonna need a lot of support. The support doesn’t have to be in the form of people. KZbin and videos like this can be great support. remember you are not obligated to do anything in life as an adult including bowing down to your parents just because they carry a title. It’s going to take work on your heart and in your mind but you can do it.

[@mites7]

Really needed to read this

[@sabasiddiqui429]

I pray and hope that my future husband is a good partner so that I can go no contact with my father.😭😭 But I love my mother. But my relationship with her is currently difficult.

[@4Syorha]

But still, you cannot forget where you came from. What makes us better than our past if we choose to neglect, aiming for a better future? The cycle just continues. Best we could do is bend it somehow by showing love, kindness and forgivness.

[@DrogoBaggins987]

I'm tired of everyone talking about forgiveness. Abusers don't care if you forgive them or not, they just want to dominate you. If someone is abusive cut them loose and don't accept the guilt trip.

[@Napalm_Candy]

The thing is, forgiveness is not for your abuser, forgiveness is for you. It's for you to let go and stop harboring feelings for them at all. It's for you to reach a neutral point where the thought of them, the things they do, etc. no longer rule your life, waste your time and energy, and so on.

[@mandolaa4855]

Exactly!!! They don't care about you they just want to take validation and attention! I can't leave yet because of quarantine but I'm trying

[@ChrisPage68]

My parents had to do things out of necessity that might seem cruel to outsiders. I was born Disabled, and it meant I was in hospital a lot during my childhood, miles away from home. I had siblings, so Mum and Dad had to look after them while I was in London. It actually taught me self-reliance, and how to deal with doctors on their level from an early age. Dad helped me learn to walk by building a set of parallel bars and placing them on the front path. He used to make me walk along them, back and forth, while people passed the house. You might see that as humiliation, but people stared at me anyway, so he was unwittingly preparing me for life. It also meant I was more mobile than many of my Disabled school friends. He was strict, but it was for a good purpose. I didn't see it at the time, but 50 years of hindsight tells me he was right. There were some negative attitudes he held while I was living under his roof, but once I left home, I dedicated myself to going the opposite way on them.

[@artwithmamafairybreadd]

You were luved..

[@ravenel2]

I have a disability and my parents were like that. Not that they forced me to do anything, but they were really sort of clueless, so learning to walk without canes and ride a bike, climbing stairs and trees, was normal for me.

[@zz-ic6vy]

i think it is not about forgiveness but about acceptance.

[@shannongreen3931]

Ryan, very gracious description of your father’s behavior. You are kind to him, even in his folly.

[@joselinmeza6526]

That is so true ryan sometimes we have to grieve for the the living. We have to make peace with the fact that our parents will not be what we are needing them to be and that if other people had the same behavior we would not have them in our lives. To those in the same situation; facing the issue letting go will be the hardest thing to do but you are not alone and you can do it for your own peace.

[@NostalgiaSue]

I have done my children wrong and I do understand if they don't forgive me. I do hope they do but not for me, but for them. I will never totaly forgive myself. I was lost and made so many mistakes. All I wish for them is that they be happy and healthy. At least they know I will always love them and listen to them , even if those talks are very hard to have. I can not change the past. But I do pray that they find peace with it and have a good adult life. They are wonderful and I am lucky they keep talking to me.

[@mandolaa4855]

It's so brave that you take responsibility for your mistakes as a parent and you admit things. That's the right thing. I wish more parents and in general more people had your perspective.🙏

[@vvelvettearss]

holy crap i wish my dad and indeed rest of my family would view me as you do for your kids. It totally is their fault if they hurt you good intentions or not! And they load that responsibility on you to work through the feelings and reach forgiveness..for what they kept on doing -_- Man susie thank goodness people like you exist!

[@justkathythings3297]

it felt healing to read your comment thank you.

[@Napalm_Candy]

If your parents were selfish enough to bring you into this world you DO deserve good parents who do the best they can. Asking for a good relationship with them, especially when you're doing all you can do to make that happen, is not something farfetched, outlandish, or demanding.

[@Larindarr]

exactly. ANd i felt the way this was handled was uninformed and insensitive... unsubscribing.

[@hej8606]

1timothy 5:8 Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. I hope everyone who has been in a situation like that can find peace and realize that they don’t have to conform to their parents in order to be a good person.

[@Fverheijden]

My favourite video of you guys so far . I got so many new insights from it. I have a difficult relationship with my father. And had a bad relationship with my mom.

[@PinkSallyProductions]

I read somewhere in recovery literature a quote (though I forget who it was from), that ‘Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt.’ I think that echoes what you two were saying about forgiveness being for ourselves, to set us free. It still doesn’t mean that i have to allow any person to treat us badly, it is then down to a choice for me. I also have realise that expecting parents, family members or friends to be a certain way is a great way for me to have a premeditated resentment! Great show, thanks guys 🌹

[@annerezac4969]

Thanks for breaking these sections of the podcast out! it's great to reference after I've listened to the full episodes

[@AlanKippingRuane]

I have been struggling with my relationship with my parents for so long. I still haven't figured out how to handle it, but I think maybe writing it out and just addressing it will definitely help. The tricky part is now that I have a child of my own, I struggle with how he would or would not have a relationship with his grandparents

[@gimmetheacoountplix]

2018. You still have to fight and argue for being without debt? Why? I have started myself and cannot get my thougts in order to why this is an issue for someone else? And Ryans dad, truly not deserving of a son. Children first, remember? So sorry for all of you who are having a difficult time with your parents. I tried for years to solve mine, I did everything I could think of for about five years. Then they died. Some people cannot be saved, only forgiven!

[@trishtuthill1335]

"Some people cannot be saved, only forgiven!" This!!!

[@MichelangeloBeats]

I’m so glad I came across this video. It really helped me out. Can’t wait to watch more of your videos!

[@daniterry4922]

I know I’m not entitled to anything from my parents, but it hurts to know that they have the capacity to love and support my other siblings and not me… take my words with a grain of salt… unforgiveness skews your perception as well.

[@Loriloya]

Its difficult when you receive abuse.. but what ive come to terms with is that really, when someone abuses you its a projection of their OWN trauma. Its rough for sure but life happens to everyone the beautiful part is what we do.

[@godofdeath8785]

As 22 yo guy i feel myself now like i wish i would forget forever about parents they both narcissists and i am narcissist/covert narcissist. Almost everyone annoying me and i feel like i am just evil person with no empathy

[@rxqueen602]

Ryan you are an amazing person and I am sorry you are going through this with the relationship with your father. Know that you help many people and your presence bad knowledge are very meaningful to many that can relate to this.

[@charleshurstreinvention3959]

You have to--even if they are already in the grave. This week for my own subscribers I talked about forgiveness and kindness--and how it makes you better. In a nutshell forgiveness eventually sets you free--as the adage states. But what they don't tell you is it doesn't just happen the second you try it. And yes there are some things that may be unforgiveable. But the important thing--for you is that you try. Most who are trying to reinvent their lives were placed in dire lives to begin with because of the past. And people in their past. So how do you accomplish my awesome advice above you say. By practicing it daily. For me it went back and forth--for years. One day they would be forgiven then the next day they weren't. But I kept mentally disengaging the anger. And one day it just let go. We all have different beliefs on what is beyond our lives. My hope is that some sort of afterlife exists where all of the people that warred with each other--are now friends living in peace. Hope this helps someone here.----Charles

[@joubertdias296]

Thanks man for sharing about ur dad... It helped to gain a clear perspective

[@duffinthemuffin5792]

My dads side of the family doesn't respect my privacy, they dont support me and my rights as an adult and even when i explain why thats wrong they try to justify. I hate my step mother for what shes done and she hates me for things i have said. Me and my father have stopped talking for 3 months now. I dont know how I should try and talk to him again and try to help things. I dont know if this situation is irriversable. I appreciate youe perspectives on these sorts of situations.

[@charlottehawk7433]

I needed these words today. I needed to hear this. Thank you.

[@michaelasvalbova5260]

Parents are people too. Talk to them without accusations and emotion about situations you want to forgive them for. Expect that they did everything with good intentions. Stay strong, i love you.

[@ingriddebock1993]

Thank you Ryan, you helped me a lot in this. I gonna make a funeral for my mother. She is still living but she is also the opposite of what I really want, a nice and normal mother-daughter relation. I gave it up and accept it. My expectations where too high for her and for me after all. But that is okay, because I understand where she is coming from and that she is wonded child. And I am also a wonded child in this relation and many others. And before I make a funeral I will do a meditation to heal both wonded childs, somehow. After that I processed with the funeral. Thank you so much!!!

[@sarahsuddarth1657]

Wow this was such a relevant message for me today. I am also dealing with a break in my relationship with my parents due in large part to religious differences. Thanks for your vulnerability - this was a great confirmation to follow my heart and live MY best life.

[@jenniperkins4260]

Much needed topic thank you 😭 one thing about childhood pain... it will make you the best damn mom or dad.

[@samirahuseynli6956]

Jenni, I kept it as a quote with your signature (y)

[@zaharao5587]

Thanks a lot for the podcast!

[@chesterfieldsl44]

I've discovered a famous russian/bulgarian psychologist, who said that we as children of our parents are hierarchially not in the position to forgive them, but only can ask for forgiveness, because they are like our personal gods. And yes, she said, if your parents are narcissists, to love them more and not to break contact, since the relationship with our parents is very important to create a successful life. I don't say I agree with it, but still trying to wrap my head around it. There is so many contradictory information out there

[@hikarialuqito9990]

when i gather my courage to tell my mother that i went to a pshychiatrist for my depression, she quickly swap it away and said it that i should have only been a daughter who obey her as parents and just for her and her husband. the time when she said that was heartbreaking for me and a bitter laugh rushed inside my head. about very the end, she doesnt care my feeling nor want to know how i am feeling. i just need to live for her unreachable expectation. i'd rather give my life, technically, like a game when you give life to play the game, i'd rather give it to her because i dont want it.

[@angiegonzalez52311]

Maria’s message really hit home with me.

[@nar9is]

I'm so happy to find this amazing video. Thank you so much❤

[@TheMinimalists]

You're welcome 😊

[@lizaruiz8824]

so true we are not entitled to anything once we move beyond ourselves we can see hurting people hurt people, i believe forgiveness starts with self no one is perfect & that includes our parents. Its time to stop blaming others and take accountability

[@idacowan1082]

Thank you ,Maria,for the question. And Thank you for the answer.

[@andrewcailberkhausen9757]

This was really good. Thanks guys

[@FrostSoul-qs6kq]

Here's a idea . Fuck forgiveness and fuck the bullshit that backs it up to make you feel right when it doesn't .

[@myassessmentadres1349]

Such a good show - you guys look at eachothers face......make the show soo professional. Yes, we all have different standards and interpretations. Not necessarily having always the same approach as you guys, Americans. Family is a different topic. With family - things are never , never for ever when it comes to your parents.

[@nataliegauvreau4874]

Same for me with my mother. At one point you have to stop running after people that don’t care about you as much as you do…love you guys ❤️

[@tamaleesen2759]

This was good. Thanks.

[@reg8297]

Forgiving them does not wipe out the consequences of there actions no matter what I do I cannot forget what they did to Me life long effects of abuse I lost everything how can u forget that it's impossible

[@EthanNicodemus]

Bros, thank you so much for your vulnerability ! Ryan, I can very much relate to your story and i feel you.

[@TheMinimalists]

Glad it was helpful!

[@bamaloo6791]

I really needed this podcast I'm in a similar situation as Maria

[@notmyhairyarmpits]

This really helped, thank you ❤️

[@TheMinimalists]

Glad it helped!

[@reg8297]

I'm struggling with severe terror post traumatic stress from lifelong abuse I feel terror day and night from.the damage my mother did to me I lost so much can u advice how I can help myself I can't remove the heightened state of terror I feel cause I lost too much due to her shaping my identy in abuse losses have been really extreme and has heightened the state of terror that I feel lost healthy attachments only met with abuse had two children and my second abuser turned them against me how do I live on right now I hate her for what she did I can't feel any different and I am constantly trying to make my self feel loving feelings toward .her and that dosent work either

[@alexadellastella5247]

If foregiveness was for oneself, you wouldn't foregive towards the abuser actually! Foregiveness is absolutely not necessary to heal, doing inner work, processing our own emotions, foregiving ourselves and being honest is on the contrary. Then you can accept what happened as was and see from your parents perspective but it doesn't mean you foregive, especially when your parents decide to keep ignoring the hurt they did! Why on earth would you forgive? It doesn't make sense.... you can totally be free inside out without foregiving and by doing inner work and cutting contact with the abuser and respecting yourself, reaching a place of not dissociating anymore. Forgiveness often means that the victim will dissociate from their inner wounds in order to make the situation look not as bad as her unconscious burried emotions tell her it is. Foregivennes helps to avoid doing the inner work. When done properly, you do not care about foregiving cos you won't care about the abuser anymore, this is a sign that you are healeed! truly healed! not from a fake ego place where you are still dissociated from yourself. Once truly healed, why would you care about people who alsmost killed you inside yourself and do not recognise the damage? You just ignore them and feel nothing, this is true healing. All the rest is a fantasy that keeps you dissociated and gives you a false sense of holiness and good person and makes you accepted by society without taking the risk to stay away from your family. Feeling nothing towards the abuser is the only sign of true healing and if you feel nothing foregiveness isn't even a question anymore actually....!

[@cynthia6771]

I'm a pro at letting my mom tear me down and judge me, not to mention favor my younger sister, who she had with her current husband. So they are the perfect family., I'm the bastard child, therefore I'm constantly excluded from outings. My only wish would be for my mother to one day admit to me that she was a crappy teen mom to me. I know that day will never come😔

[@chrissyhepp]

Anyone with a contentious relationship with a parent like Ryan should watch Neal Brennan's "3 Mics" on Netflix. I've definitely dealt with this and his special was particularly helpful.

[@joycestempa5647]

I’m 60, my mother is 92. She was a single parent most of my life even though she was married 4x before I was 23. She has never put me first in my entire life. I never let that ruin me until she started doing it to my children. Once my 3rd child was 10 (11 years ago) and ALL of my kids had no grandmother presence in their lives (for holidays, birthdays, graduations, weddings, the birth of THEIR children, etc.), I decided to move on and separate from her. I am perfectly fine with this decision BUT I’m haunted by the thought of “having to” verbally tell her, before she dies, that I forgive her. I can’t seem to bring myself to do it and yet once or twice a year I feel like I’m being stalked by thoughts of it’s the right thing to do (for both of us). Any suggestions how to get past these thoughts?

[@TheMinimalists]

This would be a great question for a future podcast episode. Would you be willing to send a voice memo to [e-mail] so we can answer it on the show? In the voice memo, state your name and city followed by your question (use a fake name if you wish to be anonymous).

[@MartinCharles]

You know what I hate? When people say something will be in the description then the description doesn't have it.

[@betynhagw]

About the word family not meaning anything... I feel you, Ryan!

[@plat0zkl0zet]

Wow. So sad to hear your father has hardheaded way of not allowing you to grow in your own life and liberate .. this is tragic for you and I have seen this very same control with a lot of male friends of our similar age. You deserve to stand your ground and teach him the tuff love way by loving your values and your decisions first !

[@LiftingUrVeil-LUV]

This is not for people with narcissistic parents , it’s for just toxic parents who are capable of one day taking accountability or even just love you.

[@kanolemaster]

so if you help your parents out of financial and emotional problems.. help fix their house and all that jazz ... im not in titled to an explanation or an apology when they lie and steal from me? sucks . with this father and son story i can begin a process of moving on... thank you.

[@plat0zkl0zet]

Maybe she needs to ask them to respect her and she resoect their perspective in indifference to living situations and goals and all without criticisms back and forth leaving her so heavy hearted and uncertain for their acceptance. Maybe they do accept her and she hasn’t the idea bc of expectations .. I have no idea the exact details of how she got here in these painful fearful feelings .. she sure does sound heart heavy and it saddens me bc it’s so difficult both ways there for her

[@joubertdias296]

Wow did u really write it to ur father

[@LiftingUrVeil-LUV]

These narcissistic parents especially the mothers takes away their child free will. When your getting manipulated and gaslight from the time uiur born, you are powerless until your an adult and let’s me reallly honest , yes it’s my responsibility to heal once I become an adult but everyone don’t get that option becaue you have to have some self awareness to realize you need healing from child hood trauma or that you even had childhood trauma. And even if you try to g we help though a therapist, not every therapist are skilled in that area and it can make it worst for you. And that’s if uou havent un Alive yourself before then like most people do . Just because your an adult doesn’t me you have the mind of an adult to finally change your life .

[@AM-kq6tv]

An ice cream is no comparison to the way that parents/family treat you. They may be expectations, but you have to have at least some in order to respect yourself and protect yourself as well, and if in that case, it means that you distance yourself from your parents/family in blood, best to leave and peace out

[@dpeon242]

I can relate, dealing with similar issues with JW parents

[@Birthdpromise]

You don't need your parents to love you back or validate you or your every decision in life, they're not God, from someone who's parents had no time or their only way of communication is telling you how much you're doing wrong, that's what I've learned, to not "need" them, but treat them like you would any other person. So much of our worth comes from our parents, but what if they are so messed up, mentally, emotionally, that they don't even know how to treat their own children right bc of their own trauma. God's love is the strongest and is unconditional even if we don't always get it right,

[@whipwalk]

Children deserve parents who care about them, their welfare, their education, their mental growth, and their future. I resent these presenters saying a child should just accept their family as is and not expect anything. And the analogy that 'It could be worse ' is not an excuse for abuse and neglect.

[@infosensing]

Listening tentatively waiting :) for it to hit me ^_^

[@oliviaouyang66]

Maybe what you want is not actually what you want! haha

[@reg8297]

I am suicidal day n night I just can't forget abuse my mother did

[@TheMinimalists]

Our hearts go out to you. ❤️❤️ National Suicide Prevention Hotline: [phone]

[@briannafrost5931]

Sending you strength and courage. You are worthy and deserving of love and life ❤🙏

[@moureenmwakipesile6386]

I wanna learn how to forgive my mom and dad

[@OCMOM2012]

Yeah the JW organization is strict. I'm lucky my mom never turned her back on me or my brother for not following the org.

[@moureenmwakipesile6386]

I fear i am not wanting kids Because I fear mother hood since i faced fear growing

[@wasteofanexistence]

🖤

[@erineosto]

I'm sorry but that wasn't helpful at all. Her questions were really good, because a lot of us are struggling with parents. I kind of hoped the answer would be more straightforward and less b.s.ity.

[@mickeyo2229]

No God would want a broken Father and Son relationship. Your Dad is missing out. My Grandparents are witnesses it was really hard growing up around them. My Grandmother thought we were all going to hell. She was very judgemental. She would not visit me when I was a young adult because I was living with my boyfriend. Smh , take care 😊

[@bbeilstein3370]

P

[@av-sp1wo]

Its kind of a shitty logic though. Saying things "I dont deserve anything" but you do. You do deserve things, like good parents because thats what they signed up for when they decided to have kids. Its an invisible contract, its expected from them by society. So in other words the kids do deserve to have good parents, those expectations are justified, saying things "i dont deserve parents" is just bs or beyond me

[@emilymorgan6144]

I have a bone to pick with you over entitlements and what we individually "deserve". You cite kindness as being a basic right, but right after you've picked apart support. "What does support/help mean to you"... Could the same not be infinitely asked of kindness or any thing else? These are abstract ideas. Support, kindness, ect. And since when has it become the child's job to educate the parent? If your close enough TO your parents to feel deserving of their support I'd wager they likely had an impact on teaching YOU the meaning of the word... Edited to add: unsurprising that two cishet men think no one is entitled to anything.

[@jeffyou6340]

I refuse to do that. I don't care how much forgiveness is misinterpreted from the Bible or whatever. It's just an excuse for more abuse. (Except THIS TIME you have to bear the cross of doing it to yourself. I AM NOT DOING THIS TO MYSELF ANYMORE!)

[@bobbidouble3501]

Just a side note, but do you realize that wearing black on the dark background makes you appear as disembodied heads and hands? I get that black all the time is classic and frugal and simple but it may not be the best color for you. Also as men whom others emulate, it may be good to have your colors done by someone who has an understanding of what would suit you to your best advantage, so that your wardrobe is adding the best value it can to your lives. Why model just being in that dark black when something else might be better? Truly curious about your thoughts on this, after you think about it.

[@ZenDragoonYT]

I get the black on black background comment. But the rest is really weird

[@angelarussek72]

Sounds like Ryan’s definition of a meaningful life is being able to smoke dope and commit fornication. Hmmmmm. Where as the bibles definition of freedom is living forever in a world where wickedness, greed and selfishness are removed and peace and love are the prevailing qualities. How can anyone label this vision for humanity as “Not Meaningful” ??? Ironic too that Jesus was the first to encourage Minimalism, yet Ryan labels his teachings as “Dogma”

[@shooter7a]

Fairy Tales...

[@ZenDragoonYT]

What even? How did you even get to this summary lol are you okay?