How Defensiveness Hurts Your Relationship

How Defensiveness Hurts Your Relationship
We’ve all been there. That moment when someone says something that immediately gets your back up. You’re left with the instinctive feeling of being under attack, and the impulse is to defend. And in this defence of yourself, you might notice yourself getting heated and saying something to criticize or attack back. And suddenly you find yourself in heated conflict, unsure of how you got here and what to do next.
If you’ve noticed defensiveness coming up for you in your relationships, stay tuned to learn how to make sense of defensiveness, and what can potentially be done about it in your relationships.
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• How Defensiveness Hurt...

[@StaceyMyers]

I love your backdrop! Defensiveness can be a real killer in relationships.

[@paulineenewman]

I'm learning to walk away and think, before I respond because if I respond at that moment, it would not be nice.Thank you for these wonderful episodes.

[@bebetterhalves]

Great advice, Pauline! How do you know when to walk away and think? How do you communicate that to your partner?

[@paulineenewman]

I just say, "I need to walk away right now before I say something I'll regret."

[@gracep2910]

yeah no shit sherlock

[@mathews0618]

If you are dealing with a very defensive person, bounce. You are in for serious frustration and you will never reach them

[@RemainForeverHealthy]

Great topic. Many people get defensive many times when not necessary.

[@knotler8341]

My girlfriend tells me to bring up things that upset me in our relationship and every time she gets defensive and it causes an argument causes me to want to shut down again

[@loraliecataldi1975]

I too will “shut down”….what happens to me is I start to feel flooded with hurt and pain and I need to then go on a long drive just to process and digest what happened. I grew up being gaslit for anything and everything I ever brought up when I was upset about anything and while I’m in what seems to be a shut down is me accessing if I was in fact in the wrong in some way as I begin to doubt my own perception of things and then I have to validate what it was that I said and that there was validity to it. After a period of time I can then come back after I’ve settled down and the depression I feel lifts to some degree to then discuss the altercation. I’ve come to accept that I won’t be validated by others of my own perceptions and still maintain true to my own experience. Usually these patterns repeat themselves until they are fully addressed and resolved. Until then we can expect repeat performances of the same. My quandary is the more I’m met with defensiveness the more caution and fear I develop of ever bringing anything up at all. In a way it has the effect of grooming me to not say anything or else be met with defensiveness, invalidation, being gaslit and if an apology is given it’s one that is communicated more in the spirit of “I’m sorry you feel that way” rather than “I’m sorry I got defensive and don’t want you to fear bringing your concerns or perceptions to me, so please forgive me for that”. The latter restores the trust, the former destroys it.

[@knotler8341]

@@loraliecataldi1975 thank you for the response and the same thing happened I ended up just stopping bringing stuff up altogether, I later found out she had be sleeping with someone else for 6 months so I left that situation, I’m trying to learn to trust myself and my perception of a situation and not let myself be belittled into not trusting my instincts

[@ApolloniaPonti]

Great advice! I always say is my response coming from my heart or from my head. Interpretation can be taken in so many different ways. SO true. :)

[@bebetterhalves]

That is such a great way to assess your message before saying it! How do you manage to do that in the heat of the moment?

[@ApolloniaPonti]

By practice and holding myself accountable always. I also think it has to do with mindset. But the overall picture that comes to mind when my adrenaline is rushing is to walk away and get in tune with myself. Have more compassion for my partner and ultimately my love for him is what motivates me to show up better because he does the same for me. So it all comes down to the standards and the boundaries that you set in the relationship. :) Plus I notice I get NOWHERE when my words come from my mind instead of my heart. Hope that makes sense.

[@robinlynn898]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago...To this day, if I even mention the thought of him still wanting to be with her he gets super defensive and flies off the handle...I'm taking the defensiveness as only proving that I'm right.... Instead of trying to comfort me and reassure me all he does is get defensive and angry and to me, that's only proving my point, proving that I'm right..

[@VictoriaLioznyansky]

This is such a common and difficult pattern to break! Love your tips, thank you for sharing!

[@VideoCashflow]

Great video. Have to learn to engage the head before driving the mouth, sometimes using the tongue as the brake. Not sure about the burping though.....

[@AbbiWinslow]

OH man this video was something I HAD to hear! I can hear anything as an attack. I am trying to be more responsive to feedback from my hubby. Thanks so much for sharing this!

[@bebetterhalves]

Thanks for sharing, AJ! What do you find helps you be more responsive to feedback and avoid defensiveness?

[@wildwomanenchanted6742]

Yes... I get that way too. I've got to eat regularly! Blood sugar is a beast if you don't tend to it! and defensiveness, among other things can sure become an unnecessary issue! Great video! ~Elizabeth

[@bebetterhalves]

Glad you can relate! What other things does taking care of your basic needs help with?

[@thechristianmompreneur]

Great info! I have found that pausing and asking clarification questions help

[@bebetterhalves]

That's fantastic advice! What other things are you mindful of when you ask clarifying questions (tone, etc)?

[@thechristianmompreneur]

My husband and I are complete opposites which can lead to misunderstandings as you can imagine! Now that I understand him better, I can be mindful that his approach isn't necessarily bad or wrong, it's just 'different' and, while it may hurt or offend me, that's something I need to take into consideration. What's the point in being hurt or offended over something that's not meant as such? I will sometimes say that this is how he came across to me (so that maybe he can change the way he approaches things with me) but I try and give him the benefit of the doubt to rephrase things or clarify where he's coming from rather than accuse him of something he wasn't actually intending. It's not easy at times but I'm getting better at it with practice! lol

[@bebetterhalves]

Sounds like you've been really aware of your differences and are putting in the effort to understand one another, and it's paying off! It can be so tricky for us to step back in the moment and seek understanding (vs making a knee-jerk assumption). Definitely takes a whole lot of work and practice to do this! Great job!

[@Gidyupcowboy]

Being hangry is definitely a sure way end up in a silly argument. *Burping* ... it is gross to hear lol. Great job on this video. We look forward to seeing your other videos.

[@bebetterhalves]

Glad to hear we're not alone here! How do make sure your basic needs are taken care of so you're in the best state of mind to treat your beloved in the best way possible?

[@Gidyupcowboy]

Heart and Oak Therapy 20 years of marriage and we are still figuring things out.

[@bebetterhalves]

Doesn't that just show that life and relationships are about the journey, not the destination? So glad to hear you've been learning together for 20 years! Congratulations on that milestone!

[@reg8297]

I respond defensively when my mother says I'm out of my mind I think that's normal and after I talk up son é C t she'll say It wasnt meant that way what other way does someome mean your out of your mind only that they are being abusive

[@HeatherGerhardt]

Just subbed! I love this!

[@bebetterhalves]

Thanks Heather! What questions would you like to see us tackle on the channel?

[@andrewgross1758]

Thank you!

[@ningmalama5506]

Great advice..