How Do I Not Provoke My Children?

Ask Pastor John
Episode: 1785
Transcript: www.desiringgo...

[@setionos]

Eight ways fathers should avoid when requiring obedience from their children: 1. Nagging 2. Excessive demands 3. Angry tones 4. Physical punishment 5. Embarrassing the child 6. Belittling 7. Setting unrealistic expectations 8. Neglecting the atmosphere of gospel forgiveness.

[@OniiChanPls]

My parents are believers but are also pretty pessimistic, demanding, stubborn, and judgmental. I always found it odd when others I knew wanted to please their parents because I was never encouraged, apologized to, always doubted, nagged at, called things like lazy, acknowledged, always compared to other children, never was enough, etc. As a result, I've been pretty disobedient a lot of my life and in my young 20's I wanted to reevaluate my relationship with them because I knew I was loved. But this brought out a lot that I never thought much of because it's been my life for so long and I understand even more so why our relationship is like this. Lately I've yearned to be married and have been watching videos on marriage, male leadership, etc. Then this video popped up. So thank you Pastor John. It's been a huge encouragement

[@kittylover4974]

Thanks for sharing your story! My husband also had believer parents who are exactly like you describe, and they were abusive for a while too. But I really had the honor to witness how God used all of these wound to work on my husband after we got married - a lot of childhood baggage gets exposed in marriage, and it wasn't easy at all. My husband has changed from a fearful and self-pity boy (as a result of childhood trauma) to a humble and graceful man with tons of courage. He used to either be afraid of saying no to his parents or say no in a lot of anger, but now he stays firm but gentle in situations where his parents cross the line. It's not an easy change at all - his old wound probably hurt me in the 3 years of our marriage as much as they hurt him.

[@jjgems5909]

You’re not alone. My parents were and are like this. I love them and I know they love me but it’s been tough because I struggle sometimes with the same things my parents struggled with. I find myself angry at myself for making the same mistakes my parents made. But I recognize it and I’m asking God to change me and HE HAS. I’m not perfect but I know I’m being sanctified.

[@Luxie296]

Sounds like your parents are narcissists

[@FDroid01]

My parents both were physically and verbally abusive, and both denied me a social life as much as they could get away with. One attempted to murder me by suffocating. The other consistently did such things as choke slamming me to the ground to the point that I flashed out of consciousness. I often choked myself in private as a way to toughen myself up to and familiarize myself with those things. I cut, etc. as well. I knew things would be worse for my sister and there was a deadly danger if I asked for legal intervention. I'm sad today about all this. I don't know how to understand it, or what significance it has. I want there to be meaning and good fruit. Today, though, I'm just very sad.

[@andyb619]

I needed this! I have been needing this and struggling to find some wisdom and this is an ANSWER to prayer! Thanks GOD!

[@maxaplin4204]

Good teaching with good examples of how not to exasperate children. I would want to add a couple of other things that can be done: First, make sure that there are not only punishments for disobedience but also rewards for obedience. That doesn't mean that every act of obedience is given a reward. But sometimes they should be. Second, make sure that children are not unfairly blamed for things. For example, the following sort of thing often happens: 2 children are playing together and one of them treats the other badly in some way; the one who has been wronged understandably shouts out in protest; a parent hears the noise, comes into the room and says 'You kids behave!' For the child who has done nothing wrong, this can be very discouraging. What the parent should have done is come into the room and question the kids to see who was at fault and blame only the kid who was in the wrong.

[@neilhuang3041]

Shouting out loud is, tho understandably, also not right, maybe not as serious depending on what the other kid has done, but it doesn't justify the act.

[@maxaplin4204]

@@neilhuang3041 I don't think shouting out is wrong in protest at something.

[@neilhuang3041]

@@maxaplin4204 using biblical examples, joseph did not protest when he was wronged severely, the apostles did not protest when they were persecuted to death, Christ did not protest when all forsook him. God said he would revenge, not us. Usually shouting is mixed with anger, i would say more so with kids, James 1 commands us to be slow to anger, Christ taught that anger is commiting murder in the heart. Saying all these put me myself to shame as so often i have bitter thoughts against others, but the norm doesnt justify our sins. i think from a biblical point of view, shouting should not be encouraged. Nowhere in the Bible does it teach us to protest like this.

[@maxaplin4204]

@@neilhuang3041 You are right that Jesus teaches us not to be angry with our brother (Matt 5:22). But I believe there is an implication in this verse that the kind of anger he has in mind is one that is mixed with hate. The Bible is clear that there is a place for non-hateful anger in the will of God. For example, in Eph 4:26 Paul teaches: 'Be angry and do not sin'. And James 1:19-20, that you refer to, implies that getting angry isn't wrong per se. As far as protesting is concerned, you are right that the Bible has examples of not protesting in response to being badly treated. But there are also examples of protesting, e.g., Paul in Acts 23:3 (Paul later takes back his words, but he implies that if someone other than the high priest had ordered him to be hit, he wouldn't have taken them back); 2 Chron 24:22 and many of the Psalms. I think, in the process of teaching children right from wrong, it is healthy for them to vocally express proper feelings of injustice when they are wronged. Perhaps, however, I shouldn't have used the word 'shout'. What I had in mind is a somewhat raised voice, which I think is fine. I didn't really mean a proper shout, so that is probably not the right word to use.

[@candicebrunson9131]

Great second example. I've been working on this toward my 3 and 1 year old. I noticed that I was only chastising my 3 year old simply because "she's older" and because I'd catch her reacting toward her younger sister's behaviors in sinful way. But I soon realized that it was not fair to her and that my 1 year old was being sinful and antagonizing her older sister. So I'm trying to be fair rather than only getting after my 3 year old. Pray for me lol. They are learning to play, share and interact with one another. It's a beautiful thing but can be exhausting refereeing all day.

[@TheCreepypro]

help us Lord to be patient with one another especially with the children you have given us

[@IsaiahEli]

The Lord is near! Amen. God is merciful. He always forgives. Never be ashamed to take your failures to him. He is for you, not against you! God is with you in the storm. He knows your troubles, he hears you! He is for you, on your side, always! It may feel silent at times, but he’s holding you close! May the Lord return soon! We are drawing closer. He is coming! Believe and trust in the Lord, you will be saved. Period. May the Lord bless you all! Hang in there family. Stay strong. It is not easy following the Lord. We are scoffed at. We give up our earthly dreams, our fleshly desires. What the enemy offers is short lived, but heaven is forever! Life may seem or be unfair, but God is with you! Always remember that. Things may get better or worse for you, but a kingdom awaits you! Finish the race! Repent daily and carry your cross. This world is fading fast. Your troubles are temporary! New channel here, I’d appreciate any kind of support. Don’t give up! God loves you so much! So do I. The Lord bless you!

[@lilman3040]

Beautiful!, May Jesus continued bless you more and more, thanking so much for the encouragement 🙏 God bless you!!

[@richardturk6692]

Thank you all very much. I rebelled against my parents and I don't know if they gave up or what but they did their best and I forgive them and I love them. It's good to know I indeed didn't receive good parenting despite whose fault it was, and that I've done well with my son, by the awesome Graces of our God! Thank you all, thank you LORD, thank you Christ!

[@neilhuang3041]

You rebelled and you forgive them? I hope there's more context to ur story or u used the wrong word because rebellion against parents is definitely not by the grace of God.

[@richardturk6692]

@@neilhuang3041 Read again. Find something worthwhile to do.

[@neilhuang3041]

@@richardturk6692 reading again didnt help me understand better, i tried to understand as much as i could before i replied. I dont want to start an argument, i replied not because i had nothing to do, i replied because i wanted to make clear our sin is not the grace of God.

[@richardturk6692]

@@neilhuang3041 Typo. Yes, I know sin is not of the Grace of God.

[@Batya-Grace]

@@neilhuang3041 …Well clearly you have a problem with comprehension if you read it twice and you did not get it because I got it despite my own learning disability. When he thanks God for the grace of God, he’s talking about how God changed him and then used him to raise his own son. 💁‍♀️

[@edgarmorales4476]

A child knows nothing about self-control other than that taught by parents and school teachers. Therefore - the mistakes the child makes in responding to life and his ups-and-downs - can only be accepted in good spirit by parents and teachers - since the child has no understanding of what is driving him. If the child wants something - he WANTS something right away and wonders why he shouldn't have it. There is nothing more in the child's mind than this. The child sees something he likes - he wants it. It is cruel to tell a child roughly: "no - you can't have it" - his entire system is insulted and assaulted. From earliest babyhood - the child's training process must be initiated by logic and reassurance - affirming his right to feel secure within his environment. The child's sense of security should be developed by explaining the right way to express his wishes. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE - not irritation or anger - must choose the words which tell the child why he cannot have what he wants. The child will hear the message when given in unconditional love. When delivered in anger - it arouses his Ego (the guardian of individuality/selfhood) and begins to take form as resentment - overt or hidden or a sense of deep seated frustration which taints the Ego (the guardian of individuality/selfhood) - reducing the child's natural sense of inner validity. A child needs to possess this sense of personal validity and should not be subdued or destroyed. It requires parents or teachers to point out - very clearly - that other people in the world also have their needs - their rights to their possessions - their desire for peace and pleasure. No one - not even a child - or adult - has the right to upset another person in order to obtain their own satisfaction! If another youngster hits the child and makes him cry - it is only natural for the Ego (the guardian of individuality/selfhood) to want to fight back - he is programmed to defend himself against the other child. It calls for parents and teachers to point out that a "payback" - revenge in conflict - only escalates - bringing more pain to each child - and for this reason - "payback" is entirely pointless. Better to LAUGH and turn away. And rather than allow the irritation and hurt in the mind to continue - better still to take the problem to GOD in prayer and ask for the hurt to be removed from his awareness - and seek a means of reconciliation. A child should also be taught to take time to understand that he and the other child are equally children born of God. When a child is spiritually receptive and can make this procedure of recognizing his spiritual kinship with other children and all living things - and the "rights of others equal with his own" - into a habit - he will have been given the greatest spiritual gift possible. In such a way - is the Ego (the guardian of individuality/selfhood) weakened by the practical daily application of unconditional love - while the central "I"ness of the child remains strong and self-confident. CHRIST'S LETTERS from CHRIST'S WAY

[@carlososcarcomedy]

Better to cutoff some Parent/Adult Child relationships.

[@maxaplin4204]

John Piper is right that Col 3:21 teaches that fathers should be the head of the family. The switch from 'parents' in v. 20 to 'fathers' in v. 21 is significant. Of course, mothers should also take care not to exasperate their children, but this is even more relevant for fathers as the main parental authority figures.

[@HearGodsWord]

@SplayMnBoss if you're going to accuse someone at least try to prove it.

[@HearGodsWord]

@SplayMnBoss John Piper doesn't teach that. Thanks for not proving your claim about teaching of a false Gospel.

[@HearGodsWord]

@SplayMnBoss so Calvinism is works salvation?

[@HearGodsWord]

@SplayMnBoss ahh so now we get to your real complaint, but grace alone and faith alone doesn't point to works salvation does it. 🤷 If Calvinism is the wrong lens to understand the Bible then what's the right one?

[@maxaplin4204]

@SplayMnBoss We are saved by faith and not by doing good deeds. But genuine, saving faith will always be accompanied by an abundance of good deeds. If someone is not trying hard to do what is right, that shows that their faith is a dead kind of faith that doesn't save (James 2:17, 26). Their 'faith' will benefit them no more than it will benefit demons on the Day of Judgment (James 2:19). So we are not saved by making Jesus Lord, but if we don't make him Lord, that shows that we don't really have genuine, saving faith. Here is an article I have written on this topic: maxaplin.blogspot.com/2016/10/how-can-bible-teach-that-salvation-is.html

[@JustUnsubscribed]

7:48 hope my parents Heard this. They are blinded by their own irresponsible parenting

[@JTBizzle]

Grace your parents… they’re not perfect.

[@joansanchez79]

Beyond BEAUTIFUL! Thank you!

[@deusx.machinaanime.3072]

Praise the Lord God for this lesson.

[@CowboyFantastic007]

So Christ cantered, God glorifying… and humbling. Thank you.

[@WilliamBranhamsermons]

God bless you so much

[@dougtnitchie]

And be careful not to infantilize a young child. Though they may not understand the how - they are far more cognisant than family many times give them credit for. Love and guide.

[@Luxie296]

Some narcissistic parents use G-d's word to enforce obedience and control over their children. For me when I got saved, I found it difficult to see G-d as my heavenly Father. Praise Jesus, at the age of 50, I now understand and experience that true heavenly Father. It is wonderful to know that my heavenly Father has my back.

[@HearGodsWord]

Good things for parents to consider.

[@Saints_ravenfortheRainbow]

If your child has nightmares and the Jesus Prayer takes them away when mom puts them on and teaches them to say jesus name.. Don't say that the mom goes over board with Jesus Don't say prayers don't work. If a kid says they see something and they're clearly pointing or scared and you don't see it, don't ignore it or say they're just having a nightmare. Cruelty towards the mother provokes a child to anger. My dad tried to kill my mom so I know that from personal experience.

[@alejandrasanchez9085]

Thank you for this!! God bless!!!

[@monicajohnson4855]

BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

[@mildredfranklin6358]

God teaching good advice listen 👂

[@neilhuang3041]

I hope this video doesn't become something we use to judge our parents, nobody is perfect, God calls children to obedience, it's very hard in certain cases, but it should never be an excuse for us to rebel, I look back at my own life and still quite often I am not honoring my parents as I should, we all need Christ to help us. This video ought to stir us to pray for our parents and prepare for parenthood or examine ourselves if we are parents, but never something to justify our bitterness towards our parents.

[@sdroid1929]

100%

[@daisiesandpandas1218]

The verse however explains you'll be angry though. That is possible for your parents to provoke and embitter you. Not sure it's justified but it does say they'll cause bitterness.

[@neilhuang3041]

@@daisiesandpandas1218 This is not the point of the verse, Paul did not mention this verse so that we feel fine when we get angry.

[@zsuzsuspetals]

Wow this is fantastic. Parents especially fathers have the responsibility to be leaders, not dictators. Leaders carry responsibility and accountability. Too bad this wasn't the message to parents when I was growing up in Baptist and non denominational churches.

[@Batya-Grace]

I can’t stand when parents discipline their child in front of others. One time when I was in my 20s, I was visiting another Christian church with some members of my church. I had stayed at the house of one of the other church members. I did not know them prior. As we were leaving Sunday morning, we were in the car when the father reprimanded the older daughter. It was very, very uncomfortable for me, as I could feel her embarrassment. Pay mind to how your guests feel and do not reprimand your children in front of them. To me it came across as arrogant and, as though they were trying to appear cool.

[@daisiesandpandas1218]

That's true, imagine your bosses at work calling you out to the front of the rest of the staff to berate you. Parents do certain things to children that would be terrible to do to another human.

[@karen-nr5qy]

My daughter is mad at me. Will not acknowledge me in any way. I as a woman of God have no clue, I know I did not say anything or do anything but I apologized to her anyway but I get no response. She is pregnant and she does not know I know she is and is due any day now. All I can do is pray for her and pray she will tell me what I did or say to her and apologize again.

[@Batya-Grace]

Is she with a man? Is she with the father of the baby? I would look into the problem being the man that she has with. Perhaps he is controlling her and telling her not to speak to you. He could be trying to isolate her. Forgive me if I’m wrong but that’s just one idea.

[@karen-nr5qy]

@@Batya-Grace she is with the father but he doesn't tell her what to do by far but I don't know anything else. Prayers needed...

[@Batya-Grace]

@@karen-nr5qy …Will definitely pray with you in spirit! 🕊🙏🏻✝️

[@karen-nr5qy]

Pray for her. I am very grateful

[@mildredfranklin6358]

Amen 🙏🏽

[@JoseSanchez0795]

7:32 I wish my mother knew this!

[@calebtanner4919]

Do you think that this passage refers to all children including adult children? If not how would you answer a father who believes he has biblical authority over all of his children's actions?

[@maxaplin4204]

When v. 20 tells children to obey their parents 'in everything', the focus seems to be on children who are still minors. Obeying parents 'in everything' looks rather unnatural as an instruction that would be given to adult children. Of course, there is still a place for adult children obeying their parents to some extent. But the focus in this verse seems to be on children who are still minors. Because v. 20 is apparently focusing on children who are minors, it makes sense to think that when the following verse, v. 21, refers to children, it is also thinking about children who are minors. Again, it would be good for fathers who have adult children not to exasperate their children any more than those who have pre-adult children should. But this verse also seems to be focusing on children who are still minors.

[@annekerotterdam7499]

Biblical authority is abuse

[@GrowingWardFamily]

This is so convicting I think I'm guilty on most counts except for slapping and spanking. Ugh, this sucks!

[@polarisnorth4875]

Lol what a bizarre question. Just don't annoy them?

[@sirg_k]

It’s actually not a bizarre question. Did you listen to the video? There’s so much to take from it other than “just don’t annoy them?”

[@annekerotterdam7499]

bingo!

[@KadeBronson]

What are this guy's kids like?

[@Batya-Grace]

I can’t stand when parents discipline their child in front of others. One time when I was in my 20s, I was visiting another Christian church with some members of my church. I had stayed at the house of one of the other church members. I did not know them prior. As we were leaving Sunday morning, we were in the car when the father reprimanded the older daughter. It was very, very uncomfortable for me, as I could feel her embarrassment. Pay mind to how your guests feel and do not reprimand your children in front of them. To me it came across as arrogant and, as though they were trying to appear cool.