"How Do I Stop Using Avoidance as a Coping Skill for my Anxiety?" AKA

Anxiety, Therapy Anxiety, Hypervigilance and more....
Ask Kati Anything podcast ep. 113
Audience questions:
1. What is a healthy or “normal” amount of anxiety to have around losing your job? I get great reviews at work and I even recently got promoted, but whenever I make even a small insignificant mistake or I didn’t do my absolute best, I get really hard on myself and I start to... 1:21
2. How do I stop using avoidance as a coping skill for my anxiety?? It’s gotten SO bad. It’s a terrible cycle because when I get behind in school work and housework I get anxious and cannot make myself do the work (especially when it’s something I really don’t want to do) and I get further behind and the anxiety grows... 13:27
3. I know you've talked about something similar not too long ago, but I'm still wondering about anxiety surrounding therapy. I have so much of it. outside of session, all i can do is think about the few moments i embarrassed myself or said something in a stupid way, and wondering what my therapist... 38:19
4. Kati, you always say that the root of all anxiety is a lack of self-confidence. Can you elaborate what you mean by this? 51:03
5. When I was really struggling with anxiety 3 years ago, I had a really bad panic attack in front of my therapist, because she was asking me questions about the scary situation I was in and it was too much for me. I was shaking on the couch and she rubbed my back and helped me through it. I eventually got out of the... 54:11
6. Can you talk about the link between anxiety and dissociation? You’ve talked about “pulling the ripcord” but I still find it peculiar that I can go from being very anxious to dissociated in a short period of time since these feel like very different reactions. I also feel as if my anxiety only became an issue when I stopped dissociating... 1:01:13
7. How do you deal with negative or unwanted reactions from others when you show symptoms of anxiety? E.g. with social anxiety when you get feedback at work/school and people say "you should have practiced your talk better because you were too nervous". Or when you meet someone new and struggle to... 1:08:12
8. What about the anxiety before falling asleep. I do need to take sleeping pills because my mind won’t stop racing and thinking about stuff not always sad and bad but still unable to just fall asleep. I do have quiet bpd but... 1:12:40
9. I end up getting physically ill if I experience too much anxiety. It hasn't happened in a while because I have started seeing a therapist and have been working on CBT. But if I reach that point, I can't help but throw up. I've thrown up all over myself by accident. I've thrown up on my dashboard. It just happens.... 1:19:06
Shout out to the Timestamp Crew :) You're the best!
DreamingOutLoud91
Riley R.
Anniekate76
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[@kidwolfman]

Thank you Kati 🙂 I’m only 26 minutes into this and I already feel so validated and understood. I just turned 40 which was inching me closer to my stress threshold, and then I broke a tooth 🙄🥳 lol. Anyways, thanks for saving me a trip from irrational-fears island! ❤️

[@Katimorton]

I hope everyone enjoys today's podcast! If you like it, please share with others.... you never know who might want to watch / listen or listen.

[@nikkimckay860]

Hi Kati just watching and listening now I was at the hospital today been going through a lot thank you so much for this Thursday s AKA being about anxiety and panic attacks so needed to hear all your helpful careing surportive anxiety advice because you always help to calm my mind definitely will share 💜

[@liquefaith]

Ooooo… really relatable! Struggling with this myself big time 🙄 Check out my channel if anyone wants to share and connect on this… Thank you Kati!

[@hazeysgarden]

I 100% clicked on this video bc I’ve been avoiding so much shit lately. The person who spoke out their therapist comforting them through a panic attack got me thinking. I’ve been in therapy on and off (mostly on) for 12 years. It’s been about a year now that my most recent therapist passed away. It was extremely unexpected from point of view because I’d never even considered my therapists mortality. In hindsight she was an older woman and I knew she wasn’t in perfect health but I had no clue. She was always so on point. Damn, I can’t even type this without crying lol I’d been seeing her for a few years and I know we both really enjoyed speaking to each other. It was shocking then and still is shocking how strongly her death impacts me emotionally. The place I go to ended up hiring a new therapist but the appts are all via telehealth. I’ve spoken to the new woman a couple times since, but I was doing pretty well and just kinda stopped having the appts. Well in the past few months my life went from, not too bad to, holy f*** how could this many things possibly be happening at the same time. I know I want to go back to have regular therapy sessions again, but when I think about it, I just want Ms. Pat (former therapist obviously lol) she had a way of explaining my own thought’s back to me, that just put things into perspective in a way that no one else did. Any thoughts or ideas on connecting with a new therapist after losing one that you loved?

[@mare2723]

@Hazey being a former psychologist, I would say the best way to get another therapist after the loss of one so beloved is to schedule appointments with several therapists and use all of your senses to evaluate how it goes. Trust your gut, your heart and your brain as it seems we have three centers of consciousness to guide us. I know how precious a therapeutic relationship is that is working well. Honor your former therapist by refusing to settle for one that isn’t right for you. You can do this with kind assertiveness. All the best to you, sincerely💫🌙

[@hazeysgarden]

@@mare2723 thank you. Hopefully soon I’ll be able to start looking for another therapist. I’ve thought about trying the online stuff like better help, but idk how I feel ab it.

[@Katiekay.]

I lost my therapist too... It's really thrown me into a hole.... I wish you all good things. We can get through this

[@anniekate76]

Timestamps! 1:20 1. What is a healthy or “normal” amount of anxiety to have around losing your job? I get great reviews at work and I even recently got promoted, but whenever I make even a small insignificant mistake or I didn’t do my absolute best, I get really hard on myself and I start to... 13:27 2. How do I stop using avoidance as a coping skill for my anxiety?? It’s gotten SO bad. It’s a terrible cycle because when I get behind in school work and housework I get anxious and cannot make myself do the work (especially when it’s something I really don’t want to do) and I get further behind and the anxiety grows... 38:18 3. I know you've talked about something similar not too long ago, but I'm still wondering about anxiety surrounding therapy. I have so much of it. outside of session, all i can do is think about the few moments i embarrassed myself or said something in a stupid way, and wondering what my therapist... 51:03 4. Kati, you always say that the root of all anxiety is a lack of self-confidence. Can you elaborate what you mean by this? 54:10 5. When I was really struggling with anxiety 3 years ago, I had a really bad panic attack in front of my therapist, because she was asking me questions about the scary situation I was in and it was too much for me. I was shaking on the couch and she rubbed my back and helped me through it. I eventually got out of the... 1:01:14 6. Can you talk about the link between anxiety and dissociation? You’ve talked about “pulling the ripcord” but I still find it peculiar that I can go from being very anxious to dissociated in a short period of time since these feel like very different reactions. I also feel as if my anxiety only became an issue when I stopped dissociating... 1:08:10 7. How do you deal with negative or unwanted reactions from others when you show symptoms of anxiety? E.g. with social anxiety when you get feedback at work/school and people say "you should have practiced your talk better because you were too nervous". Or when you meet someone new and struggle to... 1:12:36 8. What about the anxiety before falling asleep. I do need to take sleeping pills because my mind won’t stop racing and thinking about stuff not always sad and bad but still unable to just fall asleep. I do have quiet bpd but... 1:19:06 9. I end up getting physically ill if I experience too much anxiety. It hasn't happened in a while because I have started seeing a therapist and have been working on CBT. But if I reach that point, I can't help but throw up. I've thrown up all over myself by accident. I've thrown up on my dashboard. It just happens....

[@nikkimckay860]

anniekate76.hello thanks as always for the timestamps how are you doing hope you are well 🙂

[@ins4nutty341]

Thanks for this!

[@cristinaevans139]

You have hypergraphia❤

[@_maia_m]

It was very interesting to hear the comment on the question about avoidance, about using restricting as a way to hard knuckle through instead of avoiding things. I used to use self harm the same way. If I couldn't avoid something, I could either self harm beforehand, as a sort of boost, or use it as a reward afterwards - or both, if it was really bad.

[@blimeyhermione07]

The anxiety about losing a job question spoke to me so deeply. I was fired in my first long term job and I haven’t fully got over the trauma. Even though I’ve been at my current company for 7 years. Your answer is spot on. Lack of self confidence and trauma are my reasons.

[@Katiekay.]

I got fired 11 months ago too. It was shocking at first and little by little the trauma set in. Now my depression and low self esteem are crippling and I feel so ashamed just embarrassed that I lost employment at a huge healthcare conglomerate within my state and I miss the little social outlet that it provided me.... I had a lot of nice work relationships and now I'm isolated and weary of getting back into the workforce again... It's a dark lonely life and I know I need to make changes because I'm financially in a bad place... I wish you luck and I understand your pain. Good vibes being sent your way 💗

[@natalieedelstein]

You're so good. Question 2, you hit the nail on the head.

[@ClandestineGirl16X]

Also Kati, I've been watching you since the beginning of your KZbin career! I was 16 then, now I'm weeks shy of 28. I'm so happy for you and your success! Just wanted to send some appreciation

[@s-c..]

I’m amazed by your gift of the gab! You have a nice tone to your voice that makes you very easy to listen to & what you say is very helpful. Thank you : )

[@RipVanWinkle2849]

I've been having mental breakdowns everyday since Christmas and finally got a therapy appointment on the 10th. Your videos are really helping me until therapy. Thank you.

[@raywood8187]

Thank you Kati! Whomever asked question 2, thank you, it sure hit home! I have felt so overwhelmed that it seemed like I'm at best,scattered and at worst, paralyzed. Seems one little thing depends on doing something else first and then 5 other things need to be done before that thing. Next thing I know instead of a step stool, I need a hundred foot ladder! So I have gotten better about trying to do at least some little thing every day, and be satisfied with that and then thank myself. It keeps me from freezing.

[@rileyr6879]

Timestamps! #1: 1:21 #2: 13:27 #3: 38:19 #4: 51:03 #5: 54:11 #6: 1:01:13 #7: 1:08:12 #8: 1:12:40 #9: 1:19:06

[@nessburns1628]

Gosh I’m so grateful for you, thank you for the amount of time and effort you put into educating us. This came at the perfect time. ❤️

[@GiraffesEatStuff]

I just wanted to say that some subjects were actually reassuring for anxieties I had, so I just felt like saying thanks for that. And anxiety kind of gets really bad in general, so it was nice to hear the questions and relating to most people, really appreciated the episode

[@joannebowles2163]

I like your videos, I learn a lot from them. Thanks for all you share!

[@liadanlei]

Would love an updated coping skills video! Maybe especially less obvious/'deeper' ones. It's easy to find surface level coping skills anywhere on the internet, but what do you do if those don't help?

[@Kay-ce1ls]

right on time!!! perfect moment to drop this themed video! been struggling with avoidancebehavior, thanks Kati!

[@christym.6529]

Thanks Kati! This was super helpful!

[@kaceykasem]

Thank you so much, Kati. I really enjoy all of your content. I tell my therapist I'll throw all kinds of stuff at my anxiety and see what sticks. Well, your videos and advice have been so helpful, so I'm glad it stuck! And thank you for answering my question in this episode. That means so much to me, and it's nice hearing you say a lot of the same things my therapist says (because sometimes I need a second opinion on all things life). Thanks again!

[@kaceykasem]

Also, the avoidance question... I feel that too! That's also something I deal with. I was hoping something about ADD would be brought up. I'm also going to get evaluated for ADHD in June. So looking forward to that.

[@ahmed2527]

Thanks a lottttttttttt Kati for everything.❤️❤️❤️

[@ketovida7250]

Thank you so much, I’m a fairly new subscriber and I find your channel/videos very helpful. Thank you so much! 🙏🏻

[@Grace-yx4fk]

It’s crazy to me that your brain is able to look at a problem I’ve been working on for forever and on the spot come up with so many great ideas and solutions. I’m taking notes I will do the homework! Thank you so much for taking the time to help me!❤️

[@natascha_mephisto]

I just need to rant a little. Today I wore a dress the first time in like forever (it went from my neck to my ankles without a space) … still a creep looked at me very long and intense and said “The fan and the dress suit you” while wandering with his eyes up and down. After that he winked at me still with this intense hunting look on his face. I was rarely this happy in my life to go off a train. (I know it happened nothing unlawful but damn that was so uncomfortable, and I doubt that I will wear this dress again soon or ever)

[@nikkimckay860]

Natasha jaromir.hello always good to see your name here and someone I know and always remember honestly sometimes we need to rant to get all our emotions and feelings out of our system sorry you had that uncomfortable and horrible experience with the guy looking you up and down because of the dress you was wearing and him winking at you with this intense smile I can understand why you was glad to get off the train sadly a lot of guys do this and act this way just want to say glad nothing bad happened 🙂

[@nikkimckay860]

Hello Kati . only just watching and listening missed the live podcast earlier shame I didn't know this Thursday s podcast was all about anxiety and panic attacks I can so relate to everything anxiety based I'm getting confused because the question s topic said PTSD I'm all mixed up with the theme topic s anyway glad you did this AKA podcast on anxiety and panic attack s Kati ❤️

[@carolethorn3211]

Omg THIS is my problem to SUCH a degree i was sure i was doomed - the issue of avoidance, avoiding stressful tasks! When i try to tackle the task, within minutes my anxiety is so bad i literally shut down and stare at the wall. I ruminate over the stressful issue then give in and put away the task and find something inane or distracting to focus on. Never completing the unpleasant task. Finally, my doctor prescribed a low dose anti- anxiety med which has been extremely helpful but not a cure. The problem is that the tasks im avoiding are related to an ongoing traumatic issue that i seem to have zero control over. I feel utterly helpless and now hopelessness is causing me to be truly seriously depressed. Actually, watching this right now is me avoiding writing an e-mail dealing with the traumatic subject. Ok. Youre videos are great, btw. Thanks. ** the writer with avoidance couldve been me talking!

[@yveqeshy]

I hope you'll do more videos on coping with anxiety and dealing with the root causes of anxiety, this was really helpful.

[@DreamingOutLoud91]

Thanks so much for answering question 6! I think your answer was spot on and I likely thought anxiety "wasn't a problem" in the past because I would 'pull the ripcord' so quickly

[@learninglanguageswithfun488]

You always say we should let our therapists know how we experience things. I am wondering though: when I try it, for example I tell my new therapist that their approach is new to me and that I feel unsure about whats expected of me and that I find it difficult to come up with something in therapy and that I would find it helpful to have some more guidance. My previous therapists lead the therapy in a way, they had a sort of treatment plan and suggested something to work on. This helped me a lot because when I have to come up with something I feel like I get a blackout and then cant talk about anything anymore. And I feel this blocks me. I mentioned these things 2 times and the response was that I keep trying to change their approach and why I didnt stay with the other therapists if I preferred those. And that the way therapy goes is the responsibility of the client. But I am unsure what would be the best order to go through things etc. The other Therapists didnt want to work with me (maybe they misunderstood my tries to comminicate my needs and feelings) and I didnt say I preferred those. I only tried to communicate my need for reassurance and wish for guidance. But it comes across as if I dont accept their approach. So now I am worried to mention m needs and feelings. I think I do something wrong in the way I mention this and dont manage to bring it across in a way to not make the therapist feel like I am against them or something like this. But I dont feel safe to just randomly bring trauma related things up. I dont know my reaction and how to deal with those. Not sure what to do. I was even told maybe I am not ready for therapy. But I really need help. And I try already for a year and 3 therapists already ended their work with me. Am trying to really make it work with the 4th but am very worried that she may let me fall as well.

[@pendafen7405]

17:29 Am recently diagnosed ASD/Asperger's (female, 30s), and though my assessors (accredited/respected, including a clinical psych) have said they're 99% sure I don't have ADD or ADHD, I'm sceptical, because of this point about hyperfixations. If I'm interested in something, I can be all in for hours/days/weeks, but I will procrastinate literally everything else. My teachers used to lose their mind at me, because I was a smart highly-literate kid/teen who *could* perform at a high level academically...when I cared about the topic or subject (rarely). Otherwise I struggled to pass basic tests or show up for class. Even back then, I understood that academia and even employment means jumping through hoops, but even knowing that I struggle to force myself to do it. I just live small and frugal, underpaid and underemployed and under the radar. As an adult, agoraphobia and social anxiety is also a major issue for me (now I don't have to go to school by law).

[@CatalinaFOIA]

51:03 Not panic attacks... panic attacks are not from a lack of self confidence. Panic attacks from my personal perspective is an uncontrollable response (autonomic nervous system response) to a situation/setting where the cause of panic is unknown.

[@SusieQ78]

I did my Junior research paper (basically, it was a paper that we worked on for 10 weeks and we had to “prove” something) and mine was labeled “”Learning disabled” kids CAN still learn…just differently “

[@mandyoliverio76]

"If you hear banging, dont worry, Shawn and I are safe" 😆thats what she said Thank you for promoting safer sex practices, wich is also imporant.😊

[@ClandestineGirl16X]

@Kati, thank you so much for this video. I really find your eating disorder and anxiety topics useful. I've been struggling with anorexia for over 16 years. 🙄 I know lol I know.

[@dottiedavis355]

Feeling like you’re going to be fired if/WHEN you make a mistake…because everyone does. First - always own up to the mistake, ASAP. Then, this worked for me with my boss, the CFO, on a big mistake: Boss, I screwed up the numbers on that report. #@%&5! You have a right to be angry, of course, but you should also be really glad. ??? Because now you know that 1) I’ll always let you know when I get something wrong, 2) I keep thinking about it, even when the job is done, 3) I’ve already identified how I can prevent this mistake in the future, and 4) I trust you to believe that I have the best interests of our business, and you, at heart. He was pleased.

[@nikkimckay860]

Hello everyone how has your morning or afternoon or evening been so far how are you coping with your mental health right now we can all relate to this podcast today for those of us who have anxiety and has panic attacks we are all in this together spreading care support and love to all 💖

[@alaraleget1983]

You give strategies to attack our blocks and problems.

[@nikkimckay860]

Sorry I'm writing again just I want to share what anxiety makes me feel Sad lonely Frostrated Angry Emotional Feeling very overwhelmed worrying about everything Lack of energy Lack of communication Socially awkward Anxiety before I go to bed that makes it hard to fall asleep or when I wake up halfway through the early morning and i become anxious

[@user-lj8kc3dv4g]

I have trust issues, because of my up bringing, of abuse and neglect. My mother’s father sexually abused me and my mother saw him doing it to me and did NOTHING. But instead punished me, stopped loving me and kept me at arms length for the rest of my life. And was abused from that time on. I was the scapegoat of the family. I never did anything right, was ridiculed and told I wasn’t worth anything, was stupid, dumb and couldn’t do anything right. I never had any self confidence for the rest of my life 😢😢😢. I was punished for everything. I was miserable 😢😢😢😢 growing up and even though adulthood. My mother disowned me. 😢😢😢😢. Turned my sister and brother against me. So I had no one.😢😢😢😢😢. I was so sad and miserable. I was suicidal. 😢😢😢😢. My husband was a narcissist just like my mother. So again I was miserable and had no one to turn to for help or to talk to about my problems. 😢😢😢😢😢😢. So I don’t Trust people, because I always get hurt….. 😢😢😢😢😢. Rosie New Jersey 😢😢😢😢😢

[@sicilyny5375]

If I can't do it all I wind up doing nothing..I start a chore( washes, floors, reorganizing in my room) and then get distracted to do something else, ADD, then I get tired, and stop completely. Anxiety gets high( that tires me)and then negative talk starts n I feel so bad, then all my mistakes start in..past current, fear of future mistakes, then it loops into worry about everything. ADD..hyper focus..not on what I don't like or have problems with. HS..algebra was so hard on me I felt so stupid..teacher made that worse..that I gave up on school. All A+ in English, science classes, Spanish, Social Studies..but D and F in algebra did me in. In college I was on the Dean's list..4.0 GPA. FRESHMAN +Sophmore yrs..I worked had a daughter n still maintained. I did what i liked 1st, then did work i hated, like math.what helped my sense of failure, was working with my mom in her offices( CPA) was doing her adding figures in her logs and using adding machine, filing and bookkeeping..i was young, about 8 thru to 16. Built my self confidence cause i was good at that +she trusted me as i rarely made mistakes..mom was a perfectionist. So i worked diligently for her. I do also many thingsclike a perfectionist but many not at all..complex person i am.

[@David-tg2sb]

Wasn't familiar with Hypervigilance...thanks. I'm gonna research that.

[@DreamingOutLoud91]

*Timestamps*. 1. 01:20 2. 13:27 3. 38:18 4. 51:03 5. 54:10 6. 1:01:14 7. 1:08:10 8. 1:12:36 9. 1:19:05

[@sicilyny5375]

So many things going on with me..Crohns( 48yrs) Anxiety, PTSD, ADD, Bipolar ll, Diabetes, Migraines, COPD... Just watched a very interesting spot on Thyroid disorders +how often misdiagnosed for mental health issues..typical Thyroid tests don't show the whole factors of Thyroid issues including Hasimoto disease. Psychotropic given cause the Hasimoto to get worse...haha moment.

[@ethanmichael17]

I have found out through therapy that when I was I high-school, all the hyperactivity I was experiencing (basically at 90-100% energy at all times) was due to anxiety that I didn't know what to do with and couldn't name

[@DrPatrickKingsep]

Hi Kati, I'm interested to hear what others find the most difficult symptom of their anxiety or panic? I am from Mind Life Flow online. And thanks Kati for making this content available to everyone!!

[@bill88694]

For me it's getting my breathing under control especially during a panic episode. What Kati says in her podcast makes a lot of sense; practicing a process and distracting coping skill(s) before hand helps to alleviate that "freeze moment."

[@sicilyny5375]

My avoidance is caused by anxiety. Can't leave my house 90% of the time..I worry day n night for my grown kids..PTSD has caused my anxiety. Mindfulness helps greatly, but must be done STAT..or doesn't work.

[@jules8106]

I would love for my therapist just to start the sessions talking themselves .. usually i never know what to talk about and my brain just goes blank and i feel like im wasting mine and their time and that its useless and then i get frustrated afterwards when i havnt managed to talk about anything relevant .. or often times didn’t even figure out what that would be :(

[@toni2309]

Question no 7: Uh, yeah, I'm not in school, that actually happened to me in uni. I wish you could have said what to do when these things happen at work. In school, you need to be there, no one's going to fire you or something. But at work, I'm always super scared of talking about mental illness or disability because I worry it will affect how competent people view me as a worker.

[@Kay-ce1ls]

but what if my anxiety avoidance behavior is towards a person? i've been having a friend, he has feelings for me, but now I'm scared to see him in public, so I avoid him. It is such a weird atmosphere between us now since he told me he feels for me. because I feel guilty for not having the same feelings I even more avoid him. Is it better to end this friendship?- if it even was a real one...

[@JDWDMC]

How do I turn avoidance into a super power?

[@SumaHomes]

My friend's son told his mother, she has the option to attend his marriage. My friend sacrificed eveything for his growth. How do you respond?

[@AaronCarpenter.]

Is it possible to add timestamps to these podcasts?

[@OTDM]

The audience timestamps the videos and then we go in and add them. They're up within a few hours max. :) It's a collaborative effort.

[@nikkimckay860]

@@OTDM very helpful

[@moiraeiynck6220]

I thought one of your video suggestions title was "Do therapists get annoyed with their parents" and it felt like Christmas morning.....until I reread, 'patients', not 'parents'. damnit.

[@msxeunybunxy]

I feel like she's always dodging answers to people's questions or attributing their problems to mental illness when in reality, there are other things going on. In question number one, their question was clear in the way they asked it, but as usual, Kati over thinks it or dances around the problem.... the reality of it is that we are all disposable in our jobs. Most people have the same fear the person who asked this question has .... just saying. The answer Kati gave, I am sure the person wasn't expecting that answer. Sometimes I wonder if Kati is only allowed to say so much in response to a question in order to keep her license because she isn't our therapist....