"Why Have I Always Felt Like There's Something Wrong With Me?" ep.116

Ask Kati Anything ep. 116 | Your mental health podcast, with Kati Morton, LMFT
Audience questions:
1/ Why is it that I've always felt like there's something "wrong" with me? i've never sustained any big trauma, but from as young as twelve i've felt misunderstood and looked for a diagnosis that might fit my experiences (social anxiety, GAD, adhd, and autism to name some)- i've always been oversensitive, had a low tolerance for stress, a low self esteem and...
2/ Hi Kati, there have been questions in the past about things like wanting to be sicker for a therapist to not lose them and I think you’ve said it’s attachment based. I always relate to the action in these scenarios but not the reason. What if someone has these same actions but it has nothing to do with keeping the person around but rather...
3/ Have you ever been subpoenaed to testify about a patient? If not, can you tell us what that experience might be like for a therapist? What could cause a therapist to be subpoenaed? Do the rules of confidentiality change in the courtroom (if the patient is over 18)? Are you allowed to still be working with the patient when this happens?
4/ How do you begin to get over anxiety and hypervigilance after living in an abusive home for pretty much your whole life? I am now living alone (in the same apartment I spent a large part of my life in) and don't know how to exist in the space after everyone moved out. I spent most of my life stuck alone in...
5/ I've been lying to my therapist and I don't know what to do. background info: i lied when i brought up the possibility of me having bpd, i said it was a new thought in my mind but in reality i've been self diagnosing for years and have always noticed these patterns. We decided that I have symptoms but I don't seem borderline enough...
6/ I have been diagnosed with CPTSD because of childhood sexual abuse by my Father that happened between 3 -9 years old. My question is I have little to no memory of the abuse. Sometimes I wonder if my brain is playing tricks on me and the abuse never happened and I am just making things up and blaming my dead father for...
7/ I know you talked about something similar already, but I am unsure why I am jealous of people who got raped. I feel like that would be the only way that I have the right to feel as bad as I do. Or I wish that my father broke a bone when he hit me, so that it is not just me being dramatic. I am super scared of him, and people don’t understand that...
8/ Do therapists only validate experiences when they think it's an issue or do they sometimes just validate to make you feel better about it? My therapist told me that I'd experienced trauma during a medical procedure (painful and felt I didn't have control, plus some issues with consent). I get flashbacks and now experience a lot of anxiety around...
9/ Can you choose radical acceptance, and yet, still be mad? I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I have a lot of mixed emotions after learning about my diagnosis. I’m glad to know this now, but my younger self is enraged, essentially being punished because my brain is wired differently...
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[@anniekate76]

Timestamps! 1:56 1/ Why is it that I've always felt like there's something "wrong" with me? i've never sustained any big trauma, but from as young as twelve i've felt misunderstood and looked for a diagnosis that might fit my experiences (social anxiety, GAD, adhd, and autism to name some)- i've always been oversensitive, had a low tolerance for stress, a low self esteem and... 14:43 2/ Hi Kati, there have been questions in the past about things like wanting to be sicker for a therapist to not lose them and I think you’ve said it’s attachment based. I always relate to the action in these scenarios but not the reason. What if someone has these same actions but it has nothing to do with keeping the person around but rather... 23:05 3/ Have you ever been subpoenaed to testify about a patient? If not, can you tell us what that experience might be like for a therapist? What could cause a therapist to be subpoenaed? Do the rules of confidentiality change in the courtroom (if the patient is over 18)? Are you allowed to still be working with the patient when this happens? 28:22 4/ How do you begin to get over anxiety and hypervigilance after living in an abusive home for pretty much your whole life? I am now living alone (in the same apartment I spent a large part of my life in) and don't know how to exist in the space after everyone moved out. I spent most of my life stuck alone in... 33:12 5/ I've been lying to my therapist and I don't know what to do. background info: i lied when i brought up the possibility of me having bpd, i said it was a new thought in my mind but in reality i've been self diagnosing for years and have always noticed these patterns. We decided that I have symptoms but I don't seem borderline enough... 39:26 6/ I have been diagnosed with CPTSD because of childhood sexual abuse by my Father that happened between 3 -9 years old. My question is I have little to no memory of the abuse. Sometimes I wonder if my brain is playing tricks on me and the abuse never happened and I am just making things up and blaming my dead father for... 50:36 7/ I know you talked about something similar already, but I am unsure why I am jealous of people who got raped. I feel like that would be the only way that I have the right to feel as bad as I do. Or I wish that my father broke a bone when he hit me, so that it is not just me being dramatic. I am super scared of him, and people don’t understand that... 1:03:06 8/ Do therapists only validate experiences when they think it's an issue or do they sometimes just validate to make you feel better about it? My therapist told me that I'd experienced trauma during a medical procedure (painful and felt I didn't have control, plus some issues with consent). I get flashbacks and now experience a lot of anxiety around... 1:10:01 9/ Can you choose radical acceptance, and yet, still be mad? I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I have a lot of mixed emotions after learning about my diagnosis. I’m glad to know this now, but my younger self is enraged, essentially being punished because my brain is wired differently...

[@dayzm6708]

Wow thank you so much!

[@nikkimckay860]

anniekate76. hello thanks for the timestamps not really heard much from you how have you been doing 🙂

[@anniekate76]

@@nikkimckay860 I am well, thanks! Just very busy with work but always glad to hear from you! How are you doing??

[@anniekate76]

@@dayzm6708 you are so welcome :)

[@nikkimckay860]

@@anniekate76 sadly still struggling to get though some days worse than others still waiting on CBT therapy from the NHS on a waiting list but I'm trying my best to mange while I wait glad you been ok x

[@Katimorton]

Good morning everyone!

[@elizabethbed649]

Good morning Kati :)

[@nikkimckay860]

Kati Morton. good afternoon and nice to see you again how are you doing I'm listening and watching to AKA podcast now 😊

[@brethil2255]

Good evening, Kati 😅

[@LeaEschi]

Good morning 😊 it’s called a kaleidoscope 😋

[@annellealexander4025]

Good evening Kati! Happy Thursday 😊

[@SusieQ78]

Oh my goodness…I’m dying here lol. “That’s why babies are so cute…so we will keep them alive” 😂🤣😂🤣🥰

[@BirchWitch]

😂😅 It’s true 😂

[@sakunaruful]

That’s a kaleidoscope, Kati. With the vibrant colors as you twist the kaleidoscope.

[@_maia_m]

I couldn't remember either, so I had to press pause and check the comments and here it was! Thank you 😁 And that analogy was so good! That's trauma memories!

[@irena1222]

6:48 Roxy's tail moving behind you is so cute and funny!

[@sarahmartin7987]

Thank you so much for answering my question (8)! 😁 I feel so relieved to know I'm not being dramatic! I really get that needing external validation (add on comment) in order to believe that things have been an issue etc and my therapist is working with me on recognising emotions during situations and validate them myself. It's hard going but I know it'll be worth it!

[@ness.ness.]

wow thank you so much for answering my question kati! i never really thought about that feeling of "wrongness" being a ptsd response-the most pointed little T i can think of is my coming out as a lesbian (and even before then feeling that i could never truly be myself around my mum)- we didn't really talk about It for a year, and though it's okay now she never apologised for how badly she reacted and i never really got over it, plus i still blame myself for how i came out and wish that i would've done it as a serious sit down conversation (i instead came out by writing a light-hearted song). i think throughout my younger teenage years i often felt rejected from ppl i liked, classmates and even my own friends, which made me feel pretty alone. i don't know if rejection could be considered a little T, but it certainly impacted my self esteem.

[@Frank-ky8bk]

This is an easy one. I'M A PSYCHOTIC AND HAVE BEEN ALL MY LIFE. If you have always felt like there is something wrong with you it's because there is something wrong with you. Find out what it is because there may still be hope and help available to you. God bless you and my very best wishes to you.

[@sasham6486]

Thanks for another amazing video.

[@louisecampbell2628]

I'm anxious attachment with some avoidant thrown in there as well. You hit the nail on the head when describing the need for attention and to be cared for. Thankyou Kati. Love your video's 😊❤

[@Cutie8Girl]

Now instead of looking forward to Friday I look forward to my Thursday podcast breaks for lunch ❤️ thank you Kati for taking the time to do these podcasts 💜

[@askkatianything]

You are so welcome! Thank you for the nice comment :) Happy Thursday!

[@Brittani_13]

Question 4: my heart goes out to you. I moved back in with my abusers after a very, very serious illness. I was SO retraumatizing bc my mom sided with my dad, and she said “I believe both of you.” I’m all for dialectics but that isn’t one of them. I got so dysregulated and nearly died (an alter made a serious attempt). I share that to identify. It’s not easy being in the environment you were hurt. Sending hugs (if you consent, of course) ❤️

[@DrPatrickKingsep]

Hi Kati, I like your 'ask kati anything' videos - very informative and delivered in a nice way too! I think this gives people a platform to ask questions that they might not feel comfortable asking elsewhere....

[@yb4691]

Thank you Kati for a new podcast!

[@dixielott]

Question 6: I suffer shame and invalidate my own experience, I know what happened because my body tells me through triggers, dissociation and somatic responses. But I don't have clear memory at all, I have DID and other parts hold more memory and emotions around the trauma. Even when my parts express what happened, I still feel the urge to invalidate just because I can't logically remember it ☹️

[@Brittani_13]

To question 6, I wonder if the happened too. I was hurt by my father from 4-10. I have a few memories, but I have did and some of my parts are holding the trauma until I’m ready. Reach out if you need support. Gentle hugs!

[@ShikisaiMaki]

Hi Kati! I love your videos & podcast and I keep sharing them with people around me. ^_^ This question felt very relatable to me. Thanks for answering it! Oh, also, I wanted to ask, do you have anyone to help you with closed captioning and translations? I have a lot of friends who'd like to watch but require captions and/or translations. I'm sure if you asked the community for help, there would be a ton of people willing to help! (I would if I could) Thanks!

[@nikkimckay860]

Hello everyone good afternoon to you all how are you doing this morning or afternoon or evening how's your week been sending you all surpport and care I listen and watch Kati s AKA podcast because her voice is calming and relaxing and love hearing everyone s questions and of course Kati s answers to the questions are always interesting and informative love how she always explain s everything in deep detail 😊👍

[@PH-xh4fs]

I agree Nikki. I get so much from her broadcasts!

[@nikkimckay860]

@@PH-xh4fs I look forward to watching Kati AKA podcast every Thursday 🙂

[@jfluter]

Hi Kati. I have a thought on your response about the lying to your therapist. Of course, this totally depends on the client and therapist relationship, but starting the conversation with "You lied to me," can be VERY off putting. That can be very triggering for those who have been abused or neglected. Tone also says a lot, especially from a therapist. As the person said in their question, they're embarrassed and ashamed and scared for being judged for lying, so there's no need to have them possibly feel worse about it. To me, it sounds like it would be a better approach to say something like "I read your letter (or email or whatever), and thank you for sharing it with me. What you wrote and shared took a lot of courage. We can definitely work through this. Would you like to talk about it further?" Just my thoughts.

[@MissJensk1]

Excellent points. ❤

[@Brittani_13]

People have fantasies about going on vacation, buying new cars, a spay day, etc. my fantasies, I want my abusers to tell neu”yes, I did this to you.”

[@nikkimckay860]

Kati I am definitely with you there I hate abuse any kind of abuse to an adult or a Child even animals abuse people that do this are horrible and scum so sad this happen s so much 💖

[@kidwolfman]

I gave this video a 👍 a year ago, so here’s another one :) I’m not even in a particularly good mood today so I feel confident in telling you - Thank you ❤ This episode is so full of great advice on such a broad range of complicated issues. Your love and compassion for us viewers really shines through here. You are a blessing to all of us that need to hear these things ❤ You reminded me of comedian Will Sasso when you said something like, “…they f****d up our sh*t.” 😂 I know your a comedy fan so you might like his latest project “Dudesy.” He has his own therapy he calls tronix or self-tronix that he uses when his sh*t is all f’d up😂 Anyways, love you and thank you. I hope you are doing well 😊

[@noturbo]

i dont like my brain

[@megs4193]

Kaleidoscope 🙂👍. I loved them.

[@nikkimckay860]

@AKA & OTDM Podcasts hello Kati always good to see you I always look forward to Thursday s too because of you and your AKA podcast ❤️

[@askkatianything]

Thank you so much Nikki :) I hope you enjoyed today's episode :)

[@nikkimckay860]

@@askkatianything yes was very informative and interesting also helpful because I could realate to a question asked and I also appreciated the answer you gave someone because I was able to benefit from your answer 🙂

[@Marie-pe8qh]

Where can we ask Katie questions ?

[@Brittani_13]

What if someone who is given an ultimatum hurts an animal bc it the alternative was to get hurt. Blanketing y’all you in white healing light.

[@kaceykasem]

"Maybe it wasn't a big of a deal to them, but they didn't experience it, right? So they should shut the F up because it's not their experience" is a motto for most things I experience. I constantly have people in my life telling me things that stress me out or give me anxiety are "no big deal". Well, stfu! My experience is my experience. Thanks again for putting out such awesome content, Kati.

[@natascha_mephisto]

I think that should be on a t shirt! Together with the other t shirt “if they judge you for taking medication they don’t care if you live or die so f*ck them”. People are so judgemental even if they don’t know your story (and if they do hear it, they don’t change their opinion). I got called so often something like “monster” or “coldblooded” when I said that I considered killing my father at a point in my life (I did not and will not do that… just to be clear). They don’t care that I still live in constant fear of him and am so scared when we are alone at home that I walk around with a knife in my pocket… like I would think of a prison as better place to live than at home without a reason. Sorry, I know this was kinda much to write but I just felt the need to vent a little. I hope you have a wonderful day! Please just ignore this message ^^

[@Brittani_13]

“Scream, so that 100 years from now another sister will not have to dry her tears wondering where in history she lost her voice” -Jasmin Kaur dismissal and gaslighting is real. After 32 years, I finally have my answers. Holding hope for you. Hold On Pain Ends

[@maddie_142]

Thank you so much Kati for your help with my question (4), I really appreciate your thoughts and advice on this. I can't even begin to explain how helpful your channel and podcast have been to me this year. You are the best ❤ Sending love

[@Brittani_13]

In response to question 2, my therapist said “bad breath is better than no breath at all.”

[@nancyliawoods]

The words " i barely touched you" ugh. Thanks for these chats

[@misse7154]

I was "diagnosed" with ADD as a child, and totally sedated. I was a very sensitive, and empathic kid- yet had no fear speaking truth to power. Clearly, it wasn't tolerated. It was a way to quell my spirit. I think my pediatrician diagnosed me, and I remember when I was about 10 seeing two different clinicians. One measured my IQ (which was thought to be much lower), and another told me there wasn't anything wrong with me- that people just diden't understand me and as I grew up it would get better. I remember very little due to the traumas I experienced as well as all those damn meds! But I distinctly remember these two experiences. As an adult, I've been through a lot of therapy and have only been diagnosed with CPTSD. So I understand all the big and little "T"s. I've been asked if I have ADHD as an adult with psychologists and psychiatrist, and despite not going through a full battery of tests, no clinician believes I have ADHD. I don't believe I ever had ADD/ADHD, but the label- which was very stigmatized- definitely added to the CPTSD. Thank you for talking about toxic shame and emotional abuse. Fortunately, because I think I was actually neurotypical, as a young child I felt completely normal- had many friends. I'm happy to see a healthier debate around ADHD, and curious to know if others have had the experience of being misdiagnosed- or I believe diagnosed for convenience. Even with the CTPSD, I had a strong sense of self, and didn't believe some of the crap I was being told about me. This was extremely protective, because growing up I didn't feel ashamed. I ended up excelling in higher education and had a very highly sought after career. Many of my big Ts happened in the last 10 years, and it's made me a shell of my former self. I've become extremely reclusive, because the abuse I endured (mainly being married to a psychopath), isn't believed or it makes people uncomfortable. Both are very invalidating. Best to live in silence and speak anonymously in the comments on KZbin!

[@BirchWitch]

Kati, you are absolutely amazing, and I appreciate you so much for keeping it real. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[@dianaarmstrong2860]

Thanks for the information you share! I'm always looking for t-shirts with longer elbow sleeves like what you are wearing, what brand is it please?

[@Brittani_13]

Bessel spoke at the 33rd annual trauma conference in Boston. He actually said new research is showing that PE and sharing details may not be best practice.

[@eloisemarie5219]

Oh this was such a good episode Kati. You really explained things so well.

[@Dblue7753]

Thank You Kati for answering my question your answer made a lot of sense.

[@nikkimckay860]

@AKA & OTDM Podcasts Kati I asked this question a couple of times when you posted for questions but please some advice on stopping myself from haveing a panic attack coursed from being too anxious or getting control of my panic attacks before they start to get worse ?💜

[@yb4691]

Do you recognize it when the fear is building up? If you do, you can try coping skills when the fear is still on a managable level.

[@nikkimckay860]

@@yb4691 hello and thank you for replying to my comment no sometimes I don't recognize the fear building up ok thanks can you recommend some coping skills I could use when the fear is on a manageable level also I hear lot about mindfulness but it doesn't really work for me

[@yb4691]

@@nikkimckay860 oeh. That's difficult. I feel the stress building up. So for me it works to use coping skills/CBT-techniques. I hope you find an answer which helps you. Mindfullness. For some people it works, for others. Nah.

[@nikkimckay860]

@@yb4691 thank you

[@megs4193]

And don't go to diagnosed randoms for help, it has been suspected I have high functioning aspergers. I was confused listen to diagnosed people because we are all different, to I decided to listen to prof..Tony Attwood, omg it was amazing crisp clear and so easy to understand. Because he covers all variables. Not just his personal experiences 🤗💞✌️🦘🇦🇺🐨🙏.