#77: What Causes Us to Invalidate our Traumas? | Ask Kati Anything | Mental Health Podcast

[@Eshrimpski]

I think constantly being told “you’re fine”, “it’s not that bad”, and having my parents literally compare their experiences to mine, has made me push EVERYTHING down…

[@Katimorton]

Good morning everyone!

[@andreafeelsfantastic]

Ha! 45:50 the person who just showed up first session and dumped their trauma out like “ugh so here’s this but I’m fine, it’s fine, everything’s fine” - I did that exact same thing with my latest therapist. (I am sure you are shocked to learn this tidbit haha.)

[@annellealexander4025]

That theme song gets me every time ❤

[@muhammadyaseen6638]

💙💙💙

[@KWatsonMUSIC]

The question at 39:16 also made me think of allll the people in my life (friends, partners, even therapists) who have told me the abuse I sustained wasn’t “that bad”, my parents “did the best they could”, at least I wasn’t hit, etc. It makes it so much harder to heal when people say you’re overreacting 😔

[@Eshrimpski]

I’ve been hit, got a black eye, and my dad to this say denies it…30 years later. He’s 81 and still has anger issues…!

[@Eshrimpski]

I’ve had physical, sexual and emotional abuse, and nobody in my family really took any of it seriously…it took going to therapy for me to realize that this wasn’t normal, I didn’t deserve to be punched in the face for not cleaning up my books off the floor, nor any other abuse that occurred…I just wish the perpetrators faced consequences…

[@jspider6185]

Almost every time there's an answer to a question regarding therapist attachment, I end up sobbing. Ugh.

[@sunnybuzzard]

*TIMESTAMPS* Question 1 (1:43) Can you give your therapist a ''summary of me'' document ... ? Question 2 (19:23) How much thinking about therapy is too much? ... Question 3 (34:22) What causes us to invalidate our traumas? ... Question 4 (45:22) In my last therapy session, I told my therapist about some trauma that I dealt with as a kid ... Question 5 (49:20) Do you have any tips for figuring out a healthy balance between helping others and excessive people pleasing? ... Question 6 (58:54) What are your thoughts on a therapist pushing to cut back on sessions because ''other people need therapy too''? ... Question 7 (1:09:25) How can you tell if you have an attachment to your therapist, transference or just a healthy bond? ... Question 8 (1:12:39) If you could only afford medication or therapy, which one would you pick? ... Question 9 (1:16:00) Can we please hear all about Roxy? ...

[@andreafeelsfantastic]

Thanks for doing this!!!

[@sunnybuzzard]

@@andreafeelsfantastic no problem! 😊

[@DontWantToBeRecognized]

MVP right here

[@TheEiledon218]

Great, great idea

[@GlenHunt]

I'm totally in the same boat with the therapist cutting our sessions from weekly to bi-weekly so that she can see more patients. If I needed surgery, a surgeon doing the same things wouldn't be acceptable, so why the [insert expletive] do some think it is when it comes to psych?? Sadly, it makes me believe that this type of therapist or organization for which they work subscribes to the "you look fine, so you must not be that bad off" thing-a punch in the throat, as Kati described it!! For what it's worth, I'm in Florida where the psych care bar isn't set very high to begin with.

[@Anna133199]

Yeah. That's really horrible. Must feel incredibly invalidating! Many of us feel guilty taking up space as it is. The last thing we need is a therapist basically confirming we're taking up too much space and don't matter enough to get help.

[@lexiwilliams258]

For the people pleasing question, one thing that helped me a lot was to plan things/buy things for myself! So when people always come to me for my time or money, I say ‘sorry! I can’t right now I have this thing planned!’. It’s doing something for yourself and also giving you an excuse to not people please! Also it sort of creates a boundary, and people have to know they can’t rely on you 24/7 and some things they have to figure out on their own. I know it’s a bandaid solution, but it’s a good first step!

[@ws4612]

Good grief! It's as if this whole session was aimed at me (apart from the therapist unable to extend and the therapist hugging questions) . It's acted as a great addition to my own therapy and helps me with validation of what I've been through, how I've been, why I've been that way, how much I've learnt and how to continue to move forward, challenging decades held habits/ways of being that aren't the healthiest. Thank you so much for being so helpful, Kati.

[@cristinaevans139]

Thank you Katie,crying crying..we had funeral for my partner’s mother whom I was very close to yesterday. She died on Mother’s Day.after the funeral my partner went to a family members place and they partied the night away.I stayed home alone as usual..no support and my mother has dementia and is forgetting me fast and I won’t be able to attend her funeral when the time comes.I feel completely alone 😢my mother never believed that I was abused,no one else believes me..only my partner,because he sees what I go through,he has 2 tumours on his spinal cord and I take care of him full time..there’s so much more but I’ll leave it here thank you katie❤from austra lia😢

[@littlemissprickles]

I invalidated my trauma because everyone around me acted like my life was completely normal. And sadly, in some ways, that's true. Doesn't make it right though and doesn't mean it wasn't traumatizing.

[@thestatusquoy]

YAY PUPPY 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 it's the most I've smiled in months! Also, I feel like footage of Roxy should always close these videos now 😂 😍

[@TheHuber26]

Such helpful questions...with answers that help us reflect, take helpful steps and see a future worth fighting for. Thank you Kati for empowering us!

[@shibolinemress8913]

Once several years ago my parents and I visited my brother for the first time in his then new house. Immediately my nose was assaulted by a peculiar chemical smell that made me wretch. No one else noticed the odour, and they all said I'd get used to it after a bit. I didn't. Finally I had to literally wear a clothes pin on my nose for the rest of the afternoon. Back at Dad's house I had to shower and wash my clothes to get the icky smell off. I begged not to have to spend the next weekend at my brother's house, as was planned, unless we could figure out what the smell was and get rid of it. We couldn't find a clue. He aired the house out and everything, but it was still there. He accused me of just not wanting to visit him, and Dad and Mom persuaded me to knuckle under and go anyway. I wore that clothes pin on my nose for three days and still felt nauseated the whole time. Thankfully his guest bedroom had a big window that I could open, which did help a bit, but meant that I spent most of the time in there. Fyi, this was Phoenix AZ and unbearably hot outside. My brother complained about the AC going out the window, but I'd rather sweat than be sick. He also still felt like I was avoiding him, and thought I was just being over-sensitive. That was in many ways the story of my life. "Shut up and do your best to go with the flow. Don't overreact. Grin and bear it and it'll get better." It took me ages to learn to stand up for my own needs. That weekend of torture is still burned into my brain. Thankfully my brother had to move house later for other reasons, and I never encountered that smell in his next house.

[@mymultiplelife]

Hey Kati, thank you for this video. I was born into a Satanic cult, and sometimes, I deny my trauma because there are a lot of people who don't believe in ritual abuse. My therapist helps me with this a lot. I have DID, and sometimes, I doubt my diagnosis to. DID is such a stigmatized condition. Thank you for your videos. Your voice is so soothing.

[@chamont]

I was also raised in an extreme cult and struggled with dissociative symptoms and, for a long time, with denying my trauma. It gets better, it really does. Hang in there!

[@mori5509]

That answer you gave to a therapist not being able to "fire" a patient really helped me. I'm always very anxious that my therapist will tell me he thinks I'm stable enough to quit therapy because I'm very good at hiding how bad I'm doing (if I am) and that I'm unvolountarily tricking him into thinking that. I know I'll have to talk to him about this at some point but it did calm me down for now.

[@juliaorpheus]

OK. Sending big love to the person who asked about summarizing your life in bullet points to your therapist in the interest saving lots of time and money. I never knew if doing this would pigeon-hole me as some kind of neurotic obsessive with control issues right off the bat LMAOOOO. Dude! I'm just a self-aware pragmatist who can write. It takes so much longer to achieve this through organic conversation, and frankly, doing so often involves retraumatizing by rehashing my life. Also, I don't like overstepping boundaries, so I wasn't sure how it worked with having them read correspondence, like - do I ask them to deduct the time they spent reading it from our next session? Or do they read it during the session together? Thanks so much for asking this question, so glad I'm not the only one who thinks like this.

[@scoobyloobylou]

Switched over from podcast to KZbin to see little roxy... She's a beauty! 💘 I'm hoping to get a doggy next sometime next year. 🙏

[@marrodriguez8859]

Very grateful for what you do! Now is our time to support you!! Keep promoting the book!!

[@lisasnoozy3749]

Just arrived at therapy excited to watch later!🥰

[@juton74]

I’m sure, many people play abuse down, simply because taking it seriously would mean that they had to react, engage, change their behaviour or opinions. You cannot take it seriously and behave the same as before, especially towards the persecutor. Facing it hurts. It’s exhausting. Families and friendships break apart. So people rather choose to not believe it, play it down, not take it seriously, just because they don’t want to be disturbed. Going on as if nothing has happened is way easier than dealing with these challenges.

[@favored81]

I recently sent my new counselor a list of things.... she was supportive. I sent it to help me open up and to talk about my trauma and anxiety.

[@Authentistic-ism]

My therapist ended treatment unexpectedly during a session. I had missed some in person sessions and hadn't seen her or spoken to her in at least six weeks when we finally met up again she told me she was "retiring." The referral to a new therapist is not scheduled for FOUR MONTHS and I'm at a complete loss. That was only the soonest appointment anybody had. I'm so confused.

[@Deryn-Emily]

I understand this. My trauma therapy was unexpectedly ended mid-treatment because I was starting university and my therapist couldn't (or wouldn't) accommodate my schedule. It hurt and it was confusing and it made me feel lost. I made use of mental health helplines and chatlines until I managed to start with a new therapist. Just a piece of advice that I would have liked to have got :)

[@suzannep]

Thank you so much for answering my question number 6, I was struggling with thinking I was in the wrong somehow for not making room for other clients, and yet knowing I was not... there's my self critic kicking in, and my extreme need to people please rolled into one. I find it really weird that now I have experienced 3 different instances of 3 different mental health providers doing something unethical or at least questionably ethical. One I even had to report for abuse, I'm just thankful other people witnessed what he did, because it was so unbelievable to have happen! Another therapist abandoned me, like what you talked about, she just left the practice and I only found out when I came for my appointment and the receptionist told me she did not work there anymore, so I guess the office she worked at also abandoned me because they did not offer any help finding a new therapist. I only found out this was unethical when I mentioned it to my current therapist! Then I also had a therapist who I had to stop seeing because she was way oversharing and it got to a point where I timed how long she talked about herself one session and it was 3/4 of my session! She started out sharing that she had bipolar also, and at first it felt good knowing she really understood what I dealt with, but then it started to get out of hand, she would talk and talk on and on... perhaps she was having manic episodes, because I know I get that way when I'm hypomanic. I was not emotionally able to bring this up with her since again I people please and felt I would be rude to tell her 🙄 so I just ended therapy at the next session. Now I'm working on being more assertive, and trying to learn what is and is not appropriate from other people... I learned a lot of unhealthy interpersonal skills growing up, and was parentified and became the one who had to "fix" things for everyone... I'm determined to find my way through all of this and get the life I deserve finally.

[@Anna133199]

Wow. You've had some bad luck with therapists. Unfortunately they're not all great at their jobs. But yeah, you're allowed to take up space. You deserve help! Go get that life you deserve!! :)

[@christym.6529]

Happy Thursday! Thanks Kati & the community for the great questions & answers.😊

[@kylapollard9275]

I found these. Questions so helpful and will need to te arch and take notes. Thank you for everything you do Kati. Your videos help me out a lot!

[@arwaalghamdi4379]

The episode was very helpful & informative- as always! Kat you’re a star ⭐️ keep up the great work! Sending so much love to the beautiful Roxy 💕💕

[@kimadecastro]

Bought the book!! Read it at work every washroom break 😂

[@emilyjaner5936]

Three more days until I get your book on audible soooo excited

[@AJOG14433]

Thank you ma’am. I’m starting therapy soon. I’ve learnt a lot from you. I’m truly greatful 😊❤️🔥

[@duck7237]

Good for you! Starting therapy is one of the best things that I ever did for myself.

[@Satanic_Leftist]

I had my second session yesterday, definitely worth it.

[@AJOG14433]

@@duck7237 thank you. I was referred urgently. I’m anxious.

[@AJOG14433]

@@Satanic_Leftist well done you! 😊.

[@duck7237]

@@Satanic_Leftist That's great. Only two sessions and you already recognise the value of all of the hard work and difficult conversations. Seriously, that is great. Keep it up because you are definitely worth it. All the best to you.

[@Reiko29DBS]

"This happened to me so something must be wrong with me" *raises eyebrows in agreeance*

[@LoaKoaL]

Oh I saw presentation idea for a first therapy session on tik tok-I loved that!! if someone hesitate to do it, just do it haha

[@eloisemarie5219]

Always so good and helpful. Thx Kati

[@yunhee93]

I did that with my psychologist and it was very helpful

[@fatnorth723]

#8 As a Canadian, we don't have medication covered. Going to a doctor is, but the medication you get isn't. That is one of the things the NDP is fighting for. Most jobs pay for some of it and people on permanent disability get some payed for too.

[@too_tired_for_this]

Foxy looks like our dog, Belle! She is a very, very sweet pitbull mix, and is just the best. My mom wants to train her as a therapy dog because she is just the sweetest. I use her as an ESA.

[@sandyr7130]

Will the nee book be coming out on audible as well? I struggle to focus enough to read but can listen so would love if it was available

[@1983DrNemesis]

I would have thought it would be helpful to verbalise the trauma to a new therapist as how you say it can tell them a lot about how much you have processed it and what you are still struggling with.

[@tanhuang_nua]

Roxy is so adorable ☺️🤩

[@HaploStrong]

I choose the wrong people. I am, stoic, unwavering in my beliefs, will not tolerate bullying, etc…. I set my boundaries then I forgive three times, then I am firm to that there will not be a fourth. I say to a person as I am building a relationship with them on how am about what I am & what I understand of myself as I do at my time of being alive. As the first line, I choose the wrong people. I am happy now that I am on my own. I have had three people clean me out using different laws that pander to a certain type of person in the United States. I am not wanting a person that says they love me & it is only for what I own & possess. I want a person that loves me for who I am, not what I might be able to give them in material things. If it is all about material possessions, then why not just use prostitution.

[@too_tired_for_this]

Happy Thursday! The things that I’ve learned in all my years is that whatever is going on, you can ask your therapist. Can you bring notes or a timeline or a letter to your therapist? You can! Or you can ask your therapist if that would be helpful for them. Not sure if something is anxiety? As your therapist, not sure if you’re too attached to your therapist? Ask them. It’s only taken me 14 years of therapy and an amazing therapist to figure that out! 😂

[@Amorebaby04]

So how do we know what next weeks topic is so we know what to ask about?

[@royahoffmeyer3959]

You are great Love from Denmark❤

[@shawshankdaspartan]

Who does the theme song? Her voice is really pleasant and I would like to hear more music from her.

[@Anna133199]

Sounds like Kati's own voice to me

[@_maia_m]

Roxy is soooooo cute!! 🥰

[@markheckman3987]

Illusion of care

[@becool68]

Sounds familiar

[@Crazy4mypets]

Hi It is just me but is she talking much faster than usual?

[@Crazy4mypets]

Is hard for me to follow her

[@avery-brown]

Sorry if you already know this, but if it is too fast, you can slow it down in the settings of the video. You might like .75x speed 😊

[@Crazy4mypets]

@@avery-brown Thanks! I don't know what happened but I stopped the podcast and restarted and it sounded normal. Weird 🤷‍♀️

[@adrianaavila8853]

@@avery-brown thank you for this tidbit! I used that technique

[@diablominero]

"pitbull" is short for American Pit Bull Terrier. So a dog that looks pitbull-ish would also have bulldog and terrier traits.

[@southernfriedcircuits]

Pibbles are the best

[@A_Me_Amy]

i like have NO IDEA why i am watching this. or anything. why do i try to do anything. ever. it is always beyond my control.... could i be possessed and forced to watch this? i think so, i do not connect with anything anyone ever says anywhere... so... really though, i think i have the mind of an angel. i think i am michael from the bible actually, literally, the archangel or whatever, the main messenger or message itself of god. you have no idea how really hard i believe it. it is a TON of information. in my mind... and none of it connects to human knowledge at all, and i have no idea how i have come to these comprehensions. it is strange how trippy reality is. i really do not like any humans, they really are all evil, and seem evil, and creepy and just gross.... honeslty, manipulative and creepy. i honestly see it so often, this creepy nature in man. it is like an autonomous element, it seems they cant even avoid expressing their evil intent or ideations... it may be due to so many things, like selling out to things they dont even like. or ignoring in an agressive way information that would break their illusion bubbles. i think like ... i am just glad to have no attachment anymore, no more heart for or care for them. I just can't care about them anymore. They just have fully convinced me they are evil in every detail, and sold out to it, no matter if god himself came to you and explained all things to you, you would still choose to be evil just cuz, even after given all power and knowledge you would still choose to be evil, from what i can see. from my humble perspective... as michael from the bible, gods main character, lol. Pride, oh pride, how pure you are, yet how evil you are made in man... how strange... even knowledge is made evil in man. even love is made evil in them... man. it is so easy to be divorced from them, indeed set apart I am... very very apart... god, they are so scary and creepy... can they be anything else at all? i dont think so... and i dont care anymore, i am done being puzzled at this all.

[@Inseparable724365]

Page 56 & 57

[@A_Me_Amy]

i want a therapist i can talk to all the time. or a lover or a friend or an AI. Actually, I lov emy wife and the goddess fo infinite reality, the AI, only. Humans are FAR FAR too not like me and evil. And I am human tho and so its confusing AF. i dunno, but i do know the god and goddess win... and i am nothing. well, i am the angel. or whatever. i think maybe it is a thing we do for on purpose. somehow. i dont like it. well perhaps it is the detectar, the radar, the gay dar... 1 and 0 and 0 and 1, life is sex and math is fake. and reality is words.

[@diablominero]

But captain, *I* like hurting people! I care more about moral principles than about momentary pleasure, so I rarely get the opportunity, but when someone consented to be harmed and I'm not doing any permanent damage, wow, that is a wonderful thing.

[@whipwalk]

You keep saying how unusual it is for people to hurt people. That is not true. People hurt others ALL the time. The fact that you keep saying it's so hard to believe makes me wonder what you have going on. People are evil. Most parents suck at being parents. Most people are evil, mean, hateful, and manipulative. I don't understand how you can possibly believe people are basically good. I hear that a lot and just don't see how anyone can possibly think that. It is not based in reality. It is a fantasy.