How does people pleasing affect our lives? | ep.218

On Ask Kati Anything, your mental health podcast episode 218, licensed therapist Kati Morton talks about negative self talk, the different ways people pleasing can show up in our lives, and how to connect what we rationally know with how we feel. She then discusses whether or not it’s okay to cuss in therapy, how to healthily lose weight when we have an eating disorder, and whether or not a therapist can be biased due to their speciality.
Audience Questions:
1. I’m someone who sh!t talks myself a lot and my therapist calls me on it. I noticed in some of your videos your will refer to yourself as “the crazy therapist” or “this weird therapist” I wanted to check is this you just poking a bit of fun at yourself for example when I refer to myself as “the crazy lady” in a fun way (not sh!t talking myself) rather than you talking bad about yourself. 01:42
2. Can you explain people pleasing and the different ways it can show up? Is it always a pacifying coping mechanism? I find I get dysregulated when my husband is upset so I tend to do things to make him feel better so I feel okay again, any idea what that behavior could be and why? 05:43
3. How do I connect what I rationally know to what I feel? I know the "whys" behind my anxiety and know on a rational level that I shouldn't be anxious about it and know how to argue back and how to decrease the anxiety in the short term but nothing helps in the long term because no amount of "thinking" or fighting back against what my anxiety is telling me gets me actually feeling less anxious. No matter how much I know that I am okay it doesn't change anything and I feel the anxiety just sitting there in my body at all times. 20:10
4. I was wondering if it’s ever ok to swear in therapy? I was brought up to be polite and respectful so I watch my mouth in most situations of course this doesn’t mean I don’t swear I just know the company I can swear in vs The ones I can’t. In therapy we were talking about a past trauma and I have described the person before as someone I hate, not a nice person blah blah blah. I think my therapist noticed that I felt more strongly about this as she asked me if “you could describe him in a few words what would it be?” 26:32
5. I need to lose weight. It's not just my opinion, I do have excess weight. My health would benefit from losing weight. I'm pre-diabetic, my heart is not doing its best, also the more I weigh, the more my joints hurt. However, I've had every ED under the sun, including anorexia, and in the past I've managed to have a relapse while having a dietitian and therapist. And it turned into anorexia for a year, binge/purge for another year and now binging for the last half year. Every "diet" I've ever had turns into 2-3 years of suffering. 31:08
6. Can a mental health professional be biased by their specialization when making a diagnosis? I was diagnosed with BPD, but when I got a new therapist she said that BPD was a misdiagnosis and I got diagnosed with ASD. The first therapist was more familiar with BPD and the latter was specialized in ASD, and I’m wondering if they could have been biased due to their expertise. Is it difficult to tell apart BPD and ASD? 36:48
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[@sebastiankumlin9542]

I decided to never talk bad to myself a decade ago, and also to never portray myself in a less than adequate way to others, It does help a little.

[@Cosmogirl014]

I like you because you do swear, authentic therapist !! I curse and my therapist does not mind.

[@StephanieDineley]

I was JUST journaling about this. I am ALWAYS on high alert, and now that my son is a teen going through his own mental health struggles, I feel like a failure 24/7. AND... At 40yrs old I feel as though I've lived my entire life pretending to be what everyone else wanted/needed and now I have absolutely no idea who I really am. I know its my own choices that got me here but between my fear of / guilt for failing those around me and my lack of understanding of who I am, I've been more depressed than I've ever been. I want to take time for myself but struggle to do it because someone always needs/wants something for me. I'm a middle schook teacher dealing with special needs kids all day, then I go home to my family (with my 15yr old and 6 yr old), by the time I am done jumping through hoops "for" my students/coworkers"husband/kids)I have no time/energy for myself. I feel like I can't make any mistakes or can't let anyone down or they'll not like me/leave. I've always felt like I had to "earn" love/attention..at all cost. Its an exhausting and unhealthy way to live.

[@MidlifeEdit]

People pleasing can be a safety thing because for those w physical trauma esp you monitor more to stay on guard.

[@yundorphin]

Many people with ASD have been diagnosed with BPD before reaching their autism diagnosis. I think it's a good idea to do the research and not just by looking at what the experts say (though this is important, as well), but to also look at how members of each community describe their lived experiences. This can help us make sense of our own lived experiences and see what resonates most with us.

[@oishikaray2767]

❤❤❤❤❤

[@DreExploresAutism]

RE: ASD vs BPD... Same! In my 20s I was diagnosed with Depression and BPD (even put on medication that didn't help). In my 40s now, and my therapist asked me if I had considered neurodivergence and ASD. However, they never explicitly gave me a diagnose; rather, they talked me through what they were noticing and how to get tested. I wound up getting tested by an independent location, and officially diagnosed. Good luck on your journey!

[@lindaleef]

I prefer not to hear cussing. You cuss on the videos I watch, and I’m still watching but it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if yours were bleeped. We’re all different and you are helping me thanks.

[@kath16red]

Hi Kati. Why do I have such a hard time asking for help and accepting it? For example I’ve spent the last hour or so trying to get the courage to ask you my questions. I worry that I’ll trigger someone or that my questions are stupid. I don’t know. I just thought that I would ask you and hope for the best. Im sorry for being so awkward. Anyways thank you for all that you do. Your videos have helped me so much.

[@josephgerstner]

People pleasing has held me back my whole life! these videos and therapy help out though, much appreciated! ❤

[@robertreed7767]

Yes and thank you for this, live sharing it with my mother. We have always been generous- not over generous, not anymore.. but it has always been a way of saying “I know I may not be good enough in this way, and I am a distant person, but please understand my good feelings for you and that I would like to help

[@micaelalmeida1997]

My people pleasing is more like a "guilt". If i know someone is not well( and im really good at noticing that), i feel the responsability to do something about it. Because i KNOW the person is feeling bad. If i dont do anything, then im neglecting the person, by not helping them.

[@raevynwolford6540]

ugh yes im like “i did this i have to make it right”

[@OperationFoxley19441]

I work in the healthcare system in the UK and I'm like this too. But whilst I get the quiet satisfaction that I've helped someone, the strain that it takes on me mentally and physically is tough to deal with.

[@micaelalmeida1997]

​@@OperationFoxley19441 i hope you have support, since is something you work with. I dont know if you feel this too, but sometimes i feel like i didnt help the person in a right way. Like i did " the wrong thing", like i could have " help them better"

[@OperationFoxley19441]

@@micaelalmeida1997 Yeah I get that too, but what I have learnt is we can only do so much, eventually we will hit burn out which I am close to. I believe in treating people how I would like to be treated and I believe that karma is VERY real.

[@micaelalmeida1997]

@@OperationFoxley19441 yeah, you are right, we are not superheroes, we do what we can. You have to start taking care of yourself too, and try to notice when something is just too much for you, too exausting.

[@pipwhitefeather5768]

'name 3 people pleased with you' hahaa love it. I grew up with an erratic shouty father, and I constantly people please, to the point where I've forgotten quite who I am and what I love. It is a struggle to find the balance, at first I was over the top, no I won't do that etc.. now I'm semi-pleasing...lol I dunno! I'm not sure I always spot when I doing it! I'm aware of it now which is the best part, and that will grow - I hope - Thank you x

[@TessVonKaam]

Thank you @Katimorton for answering my question about people pleasing. I’ve been doing a LOT of work on mindfulness and definitely know it can be hard not to act on it but can give it a shot (hopefully with curiosity and not judgement - working on this) Thank you!

[@ruthosorio9542]

Hi Kati!! I’ve watched your videos since like 2018… you helped me A LOT to have some peace of mind during that period of time (it was a bunch of not-accurate self diagnose lol but help me thru the day and to stay calmed) and I would literally go to one of your videos because it made me feel so understood, and even if what you were talking about was not my case/situation at all, it helped me understand myself, my feelings and where did they come from. I told my psychologist (maybe not in the best way) about your videos and she advised me not to watch them anymore 😂 said that was not healthy 🙄 lol

[@laurenl720]

Another great video. ❤ I’ve been a people pleasure most of my life, and I’m learning how to take care of myself while also become friends with people.

[@yoyofargo]

“Why do I feel anxious despite knowing why?” LeDoux and Lisa Feldman Barrett would say anxiety evolved to keep you safe. A good quote is “Get those butterflies flying in formation!” because it recontextualizes the anxiety as normal and useful. If you’re going into something where the risk of injury is nonzero like a sporting event or a competition it’s good to be heightened. Like sunlight, some anxiety is healthy for you. Find the optimal zone of confusion or disregulation and ride the waves. :)

[@lindaleef]

Oh and spot on with the eating disorder dieting question. I applaud you for that info and I hope it is truly heard. I had to discover this on my own journey.

[@saramarlena7184]

I think what really showed me how to allow my partner to feel her feelings was when her father passed away. The grief was nothing I could do anything about

[@paigemalloy4276]

Lol, well if I have one comfort it's that my diagnosis is finally _spot on_ after years of different professionals suspecting that I had PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, and Schizoid Personality Disorder. BPD was the only one where my therapist, psychiatrist, and MYSELF independently came to the same conclusion. It was such a weight off my shoulders to finally discover the root problem. Fear of my emotional episodes or social faux pas pushing people away (and thus being abandoned by them) is at the very core of my social anxiety. 11:35 I really appreciate the acknowledgement that it _is a challenge_ ❤ So often, I hear people talk about these kinds of tips and they make it sound so f*cking easy. It's demoralizing. It means a LOT to me personally for someone to acknowledge that it IS incredibly difficult (almost painful, in my case) to do nothing when someone needs help. I didn't anticipate just how much that would help ease my guilt and it actually kind of lit a fire under my ass. Thank you SO MUCH ***After sitting on this for a while, there is one thing that actually disturbs me a bit. So, all kindness is manipulation then? All kindndess is just self-serving? No one is kind or helpful just because it's _the right thing to do????_ Because by this logic, every therapist I've ever had doesn't actually want to help _me_ - they're just doing it for themselves. This just feels like a really pessimistic view of the world. IN CONCLUSION: This whole thing comes from a very Christian-normative worldview, where you are expected to do good things for a divine reward(heaven). The whole notion of "You must be kind to yourself before you can be kind to others" also comes from Western/Cristian enculturation (which western psychological studies are NOT immune to): you are god's creation and so you cannot truly love god until you love yourself. Guess what y'all: I'm not a Christian. Never been one. I'm a *_Humanist_* We believe in doing the right thing for our fellow man because humans are worth the effort, not because we're expected to in order to make Jesus proud. Being kind to others out of fear is absolutely unhealthy, no question. I'll even acquiesce the point that it's a form of manipulation. If skillfully swaying someone out of a negative space and into a positive one is a form of control, then call me the Manipulation Queen, because *_I'm not putting my humanity on hold to satisfy western psychological practice_* ✊✨

[@MentalHealthInBlackandWhite]

I love your sense of humor and you have been a great inspiration for me Katie. Thank you for your authenticity and compassion for spreading mental health awareness in the community.

[@cheryldias4269]

Do you think if one grew up with critical parents with high expectations one tends to be self critical

[@hp6964]

Very much so

[@eljefe308]

Absolutely in my experience… if I got an A my dad would say well was it the top A in the class? My brother was always a higher achiever than I and even though I always did good I was always compared to him.

[@amberelizabeth652]

I grew up religious and people pleasing was viewed as virtuous.

[@nancyliawoods]

Thank you sister, alot of this applied to me, we appreciate you ❤

[@emancia]

Thoughts about people-pleasing, and the feeling of not being our authentic selves. For many of us who come from enmeshed family structures, people-pleasing is engrained into our relational habits as part of keeping ourselves safe. Pleasing our parents was probably a strategy we found early on to get their attention or to avoid punishment, because in these family settings often our child-like feelings and emotions only added to our parents' stress. Whether through their reactions or lack of reactions, we learned that our feelings and emotions might not be allowed. We suddenly find ourselves applying this strategy, which worked so well during our infant years, in every setting possible, shutting ourselves down to allow others to take more room at our own expense. This is an outdated survival skill that we most likely don't need anymore. We're most likely no longer in survival mode, and remaining this way is detrimental to ourselves and our current relationships. There's so much more to say about this, but the key is, as Kati said, to recognize that self-abandonment. People-pleasing hurts us. Remember what we are supposed to do when the oxygen masks in an airplane come out? We must wear ours first before helping others. Regarding authenticity: there are in psychology something called the ego states. I'm no expert but, from what I understand, they define how we show up in different social settings. We look for cues to figure out how to best navigate ourselves in different circles of people. How we talk to and act around our children is not the same way we do at work, or with our friends when we go out, or when we first meet our partner's parents. Those are different ego states. None of these is more authentic than the other, but, if there HAS to be one, it would be when we're alone. In the latter, we're no longer subject to social expectations and we no longer have to engage in any form of conformity performance. Yet, we're social creatures at the end of the day. We crave social interactions, and we are capable of adapting and deciding which parts of ourselves to reveal, which ones to mask, and which ones to keep completely private depending on our levels of comfort in each situation, and on our own judgement of what's appropriate or reasonable. (E.g. don't tell a 2 yo kid who didn't answer your question to go fuck themselves, or don't assume that, because a coworker is being really friendly while talking to you, she's asking for your sexual advances.) This ability to adapt and mold ourselves to safely navigate different social circles doesn't make us any less authentic. However, to tie this up with people-pleasing, the latter is NEVER authentic. People-pleasing involves putting others' needs and wants before ours. Our bodies can tell us so: try to take as much room as you need for yourself, try to say no whenever someone wants you to sacrifice something integral to you for something that is pleasing but not integral to them, try to honor your feelings and acknowledge if you think you are doing more for others than you ever would for yourself. That self-compassion I hope you feel, that strength and power, that comfort... That is your body telling you how you should strive to feel. That is your body feeling authentic. It might feel horribly selfish, but it's only in relation to those you are setting boundaries with, and only because you've never done it and/or they might be trying to shame you for it. But, leaving others aside, it should feel... good. I don't know how else to put it. Just ask yourself: is it unreasonable for me to want enough room to breathe? Am I being selfish for not lending my friend money to go get drunk with his friends so that I can have a healthy meal for myself instead? Would it make me a horrible parent if I asked my ex partner to take the kids for the weekend so I can stay home and catch up with sleep after being overworked? And does it make me a less valuable employee if I told my boss I cannot do OT this weekend, and can I do so without giving an explanation because, deep inside, I know I don't owe them one? I would argue asking for any of those is perfectly justified and reasonable. Let's be kind to ourselves. Caring for our minds and bodies is necessarily honest and authentic, as we could not live without those.

[@Janny3212]

I really enjoyed listening to this podcast. Thank you.

[@EmbraceTheStruggle24]

As much as i hate admitting to being a people pleaser...this vid was validating, but at the same time, it was like a kick in the kahoonis 🤦‍♂️

[@josephgerstner]

U ain’t lyin’

[@seraphim_sounds]

oh thank God i’m an Aries, lol. my mom does it all the time (libra). i can only take care of my hubby & daughter, self & cats. anymore than that is a no-go. i don’t mind being selfish sometimes. i tell my mom all the time that she needs to be more selfish, that’s it not necessarily a bad thing. i refuse to people-please unless it’s something i want to do. if i can’t handle it, i don’t do it. idc if people think i’m an a-hole. i let my hubby & daughter ride it out sometimes, like if i’m too tired to make dinner or something, oh well! 😆 i love being a strong aries sign! 😂 i do what i can to serve most of the time, but i know my limits, too. also, so so grateful we decided to only have one child. thank God. we wanted to be able to give her enough attention, & have some free time to ourselves. i don’t see how anyone handles more than one, but to each their own.

[@ClandestineGirl16X]

Thank you Kati

[@ADSCoachSimonB2112]

My issue is I am by myself most of the time, single and live alone, my social interactions are limited and most of the time I work with clients and the hours can be long. 55 my prospects are less than favourable. My people pleasing and over giving is my empathetic nature and drive to succeed and not have to ask for help from family members.

[@nikkimckay860]

Good afternoon everyone and kati Morton member s hope you are well sending care love and support to everyone ❤❤🙏

[@peytonthompson2863]

Do you have a video on emotional reactivity? When I get overstimulated or overwhelmed I tend to lash out by saying hurtful things to those around me that I feel shame about because I don’t mean them. How can I reel this in? It affects my relationships on all fronts.

[@molly9518]

This was awesome!! Thank you!!

[@MidlifeEdit]

We down play at times because some of us have had others try to fry you for balanced pride. Our society sadly can add to this.

[@shadowfreddy4044]

hey kati i was wondering are you going to do a video about my request about sickle cell and how it effect people on a mental and physical level

[@msshan-l1y]

Jesus’s this is where I struggle now because of past narcissistic abuse and trama abuse, it is so hard for me to do things by myself, so sad .. I did go to the beach and got in the water by myself For the 2nd time in my life ! Is there any help on how to move forward with doing activities and fun things on my home ? Any suggestions

[@bluemoony102]

5:58 Thank 💮 You 🙏🏼

[@DAVIDMILLER-nc9vo]

Yes, how does pleasing others affect our lives? Are others being pleased when we think our actions are pleasing them? How does one know if our actions please others? Are we pleasing ourselves more than pleasing others?

[@TheAlixour]

I shit talk myself so well. You can't take this from me!

[@stewiegriffin4118]

I don’t trust people that don’t swear!

[@Yambataller]

Pride is not a very useful emotion/option. Pride precedes the fall. It is much better to be thankful than prideful.

[@bettertruecrime]

This video was sped up when I walked past a house and a church. Why?

[@sarahchartrand9398]

You probably changed the speed of the video by accident

[@eljefe308]

Let me tell you that therapists can be very bias my mom’s friend is one and the 💩 she talks on people makes me never want to go see a therapist.

[@feiswalsalim2117]

hood ovenine sawa uko nikufuate

[@nikkimckay860]

Kati Morton. I had to cancel my membership for your channel and livestream s and I'm honestly stressed and feeling upset about it because I wasn't getting any notifications for your livestreams and wasn't getting access to your livestream s I couldn't watch them I was paying £4:99 a month to be a member please help it will end in June I really hope to reclaim my membership ❤😢

[@danisloan3485]

Hi by the way, Okay, here is part of my history mom has her fist child thats is me during grade school mom remaries and we become a meshed family and at some point iam assesed to have borderline Intelectual disability and for the past few years the coronavirus come to find out to whpm was talking to me has been wantine to meet me in the flesh and just makes all kinds of excuses why he/she causes ( gift card $$/$$$) fuckery for me and refuses to take my concerns into account and in this case do i seem to be A people pleaser to get my shit taken care of and when i am left with very littlefor my responsabibilties and keeps my facebook profile (memories) away from me and i just had my l yesterday and went off in A furious frenzy so livid shouting off the disrespect i had got frome him/her the pictures and a video do not match up with the voice on the other end of communication and calling him/her condasending, disingenuous disrespectfull and he/she kept going off about "GOLD NUGGETS" over the span of time three years so i had just let loose em blocking the number i was beyond fed updigusted bh him/her and wanted nothing to do with his/her fuckery, i stand up for myself and i get threatend by this individual, that does not fly very disrespectful towards me.