How Every Type Expresses & Receives Love

Transformational Enneagram & Relationship Coaching
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Dr. Tom LaHue is a graduate of Florida Christian College. He holds 3 Master's Degrees including an MDiv from Liberty Univ. His Doctoral degree is from Grace College and Seminary. He is also a certified Marriage Coach. He and his wife Traci have been married since 1991. They are the proud parents of 5 children and 5 grandchildren.
#enneagram, EnneagramTypes, CliftonStrengthsFinder, PersonalityAssessment, self-discovery, Strengths-Based Development, Understanding Personality, Personal Growth, Enneagram Test Results, Unlock Your Potential, Mindfulness, SelfAwareness, SelfImprovement, LifeCoach, UnlockPotential, Motivation, strength, Relationships, love, soulmate, self-love, love yourself, intimacy, emotional connections, dating, communication, healthy relationships, true love, power of love, relationships, marriage, love language, love quotes, love tips, love and happiness, trust, love and relationships, love advice, unconditional love, happy, love, Myers-Briggs,

[@sarahakin]

“We’re all broken. Every type is broken. We don’t live in the Garden of Eden and every one of us has our struggles.” I love that.

[@twlahue]

Yes... The Enneagram helps us see it more clearly.

[@SoilConnect]

loved that part too!

[@somebodysvideos7876]

3:00 type 1 5:20 type 2 8:05 type 3 9:50 type 4 12:20 type 5 14:54 type 6 16:30 type 7 18:38 type 8 19:58 type 9

[@twlahue]

Thanks, sorry, I will paste this into my description.

[@marieschmidt9416]

What I heard and believe is that we ALL want APPRECIATION and to be VALIDATED. This video was an interesting perspective. And as a #1, it sure rang true.

[@AlexanderSy]

Yes, knowing that every type is broken….that the most important person in our life is broken! Then learning the little things that help them feel loved!!! What more can you do, if only to show and confirm to them they’re deserving of love, than to say those little things that they need!

[@enfieldjohn101]

I was raised by people who were likely type 1's. My grandma on my dad's side and my mom were especially like a 1. I spent more time with them than anyone else until I was about four or five years old so, I was taught how to show love from the way they did. I think my grandma on my mom's side is a 2. He's a lot like that. She's probably the most nurturing, attentive, non-judgemental person I've ever met. Both of my grandmas loved me, I've no doubt of it, but they did so in very different ways. My mom's mom is such a hugger and people pleaser while my dad's mom was more reserved - yet was always looking for ways to help people and to take care of everything. You could tell that she enjoyed doing things for people and didn't just do them because she had to. I think my grandpa on my mom's side was a 3. He always had a good word for everyone. If anyone did anything for him or for others and he knew about it, he always let them know what a good job they did. He had a lot of friends and people who admired him a lot because of how good he was to everyone. I'm a 5. While I was raised to show acts of service and nurturing by my mom and grandmothers, what really comes naturally to me is sharing what I've learned or wisdom that I've gained with others. Nothing makes me happier than to give someone advice or answer a question that they've asked me. My wife has learned over the years that I enjoy telling her things. She often asks me about things that maybe she could find out on her own, but she knows that I may already know, or will happily research it for her if I don't know. All of the jobs that I've truly enjoyed over the years have had aspects to them where I got to be a consultant or advisor in some way. I think that I'm a 5 wing 4. This description of the 4's way of showing or receiving love fits me to some degree, but not quite as much as the 5. I like the concept of wings and tri-type because they allow for more flexibility in the enneagram model to more closely match how people really think and behave. I am a 541 tri type. I love that saying about a 5. It fits so well. "I love you. You are worth the pain that being open in a relationship will cause me." I could put that on a Valentine's Day card from a 5. Being open, vulnerable and sharing of my emotions is indeed painful. I really prefer not to and will only do so with a very short list of people. In MBTI, I usually type as an INTJ. I've heard a similar thing about them. Another way that 5's and INTJs show that they really love someone is to invite that person to engage in their most favorite hobby or interest. When I was dating my wife, one of the first things I did in an attempt to tell her that I really wanted a serious relationship with her was to invite her to join me in archery. Archery is one of my favorite pastimes, but I prefer to engage in it alone so that I can fully concentrate on it. I am not a member of any archery clubs, but I have my own archery range in my back yard. Another thing that I did was to show her my garden and to tell her all about it. I rarely invite people over to my place like that. My dad is likely a 6 wing 7. He's a very quiet person, but when he does open up a bit, he certainly shows traits of a six. He is very focused on protecting people and has a strong need for adventure. He loves going hunting and fishing. The way he usually showed me that he loved me as a kid was to take me along with him on hunting and fishing trips. When he and my mom had their 50th anniversary, he decided to celebrate it by inviting my sister, wife and me along on a trip to Australia and New Zealand and paid for the plane tickets and hotels for all of us. What an experience that was! My favorite part of the trip, as a 5, was to discover all the weird plants and animals that I hadn't seen before and to visit museums, botanical gardens and nature reserves so that I could learn about these places. My wife is a 9. She's very focused on trying to create harmony and peace in relationships. She's a teacher who specializes in working with kids who have special needs. She's very patient and very good at helping the kids to feel comfortable and loved so that they can learn in their own way. She's a 9 wing 1 and loves to daydream about possibilities. She's quite practical about it though, more so than I am, and will try to find ways to make her dreams come true in some way whereas I am content to daydream and philosophize on things even if there is no way that I could make the dream come true. Good video. Very interesting.

[@twlahue]

Awesome... thanks for sharing this.

[@enfieldjohn101]

You bet! I get a lot of good advice from your videos. I enjoy responding to them. Talking about things with someone is helpful. For me, typing things out is easier than talking in person or on the phone. @@twlahue

[@TreetrunkVneck]

What a wonderful compilation; an empathic study we would all do well to memorize.

[@Silvenar13]

I feel like the way we express love can vary from person to person. As a 9w1, for me personally, i show love with quality time and physical touch. By showing someone I’m always willing to do whatever they like and makes them happy. Which is very 9 ish if you think about it. For example, I may not like sports but I’ll go to the game with you because I know it’s something that you love and will make you happy. Showing you I love you instead of just saying it. BUT if I feel that I am last priority or not important to them then I will express that hurt and be pretty unhappy regardless of their happiness.

[@peterbulley9391]

nail on the head. I'm in the exact same boat!

[@nianexus135]

Not gunna lie enneagram has truly changed how i see those around me for example my mother in law my best friend and my partner honestly the enneagram explains them to the T it’s wierd because I stoped judging or thinking it was them but now I see them and understand exactly how they work what makes them tick down to the helping my mother in law in the garden (type 1 )

[@PaulHarrisonVideos]

This was great! I’d love for you to make a video on how each type experiences the enneagram. I’ve never seen a list like that. Some of my type nine friends sometimes say they don’t really think there are hard differences between types because they, like a chameleon, csn become any type on the enneagram at various times. Some of my type five friends sometimes say the enneagram has no hard mainstream research or data on its accuracy, so it’s suspect. Some of my type one friends sometimes say appealing to your enneagram type to explain why you are the way you are is to lack personal responsibility, that you can “overcome” or “defeat” your proclivities with discipline, etc. As a type four, I feel helplessly seen and known at a deep level and cried when I discovered my type, then was endlessly fascinated with exploring other types and understanding what makes people tick. I experience it as a tool for introspection and healing. Maybe you guys can chime in here, tell us your type, and how you experience the enneagram.

[@jasonwilkerson9497]

It's interesting how all of your perspectives on the enneagram is coming from your enneagram trance. Lol. It takes great humility to accept the enneagram's map of our patterns, tendencies, or blindspots. It's a tool, not the end all answer, but boy can it help.

[@WackadoodleMalarkey]

Omg, an enneagram 9 is first!

[@annieperdue6140]

Well, type 9 IS observant, so it makes sense

[@margaretjudice8944]

Great information. Thank you for sharing!

[@twlahue]

You bet!

[@jonathansolomon8457]

Hey Tom, really appreciate this video. I am dating a type 1. How do you give a 1 constructive feedback? I know you say never criticize a 1 but what do you do when you want to share someone? I am a type 4 btw, so I am used to sharing flaws but difficult to get my partner to open up

[@SUPERMAN-4713]

I'm not primarly a 4, but I have it on my trytipe and this is exactly how it defines me, so I was thinking maybe this video aims at the Heart triad. For example: Let's say you are a 6 8 2, you should watch type 2 in this video to see if describes you.

[@twlahue]

Good idea.

[@macoeur1122]

I think my ex may have been a type 5...just as I am...and that was one of the the things I really did appreciate about him...that we could hang out at home and not feel the need to be taking constantly. I think we both appreciated just "being" together...no, it's not as we didn't talk...it was just not necessary for it to be non-stop like most people.

[@MsChristianD]

Just got into a long winded conversation about the Enneagram being "demonic" due to its origins. Have you ever done a video on this? I'm curious to hear your opinion.

[@twlahue]

Yes, I have a video on this...kzbin.info/www/bejne/bmjPZ2yfedd_btk

[@jessebailey5885]

How do you express to an 8 that they’ve hurt your feelings, though? How do you stand up for yourself as a non-eight? I do my best to not beat around the bush, be weak or emotional (though I personally think there is NOTHING wrong with that), or come off as disloyal to them by calling them out… But as an emotionally deep and respectful 4, I can’t accept that 8’s are just void from being held accountable when it comes to what they do to other people’s feelings and lives. Is there a way to make them realize the wrong they’ve done? A method a person should use that may open their eyes? I’ve personally been VERY hurt by an 8 (like, the worst hurt I’ve ever felt in my life)… But every time I try to connect, meet in the middle, come to a mutual understanding, they just push me back down. And I let them, knowing if I stand back up, I’ll just be disrespected again. Am I expected to show them the nurture/love they need, but not have it reciprocated?

[@benedictecosta3043]

You should keep your distance and respect the fact that they do not open up easely. Give them a lot of time that they can just observe you from the distance. From there, they will analyse you and verify if you are trustable in their eyes. If you are, after a year or so, connect. If they let you in their forteres at that moment it is a very safe, soft and secure stay. If they do not. Just stay away. It is not necessary to be friends with everyone. That at least is my opinion as an 8

[@sophieyyyhh0057]

Enegram 2 and 8 compatibility issues video pls make

[@twlahue]

I appreciate your request! It's great to know what topics my viewers are interested in.

[@deewilkerson2994]

BEND is the key word.💕