How I healed my crippling *RELATIONSHIP ANXIETY*.

[@Caroline_Winkler]

Just here to say - 1) I know this is a crazy long video. But it is so nuanced and close to my heart and I really wanted to give everything I learned to anyone who is struggling. 2) I think that if you have not struggled with this dynamic, the things I describe in this video are going to sound absolutely insane. I acknowledge that haha. And at the same time, it feels really difficult to open up about something so personal while knowing that lots of people may misunderstand me. Please just..be gentle with me. 3) I do not have all the answers. I am still growing through this, and I look forward to continuing to grow with my wonderful partner. I hope this little bit of insight gives you some hope and some places to look for help if you are struggling. I appreciate you all, so very much.

[@shannons.2821]

I was so thrilled to see the length of the video and I know I'm not alone. Thank you 💛

[@skaterdude14b]

1h10m 😅

[@Wuwuska]

You sound exactly like what I went through and then was diagnosed with ROCD. I thought I was crazy for knowing one thing but feeling another at the time. Thank you for making this video.

[@joobydoobydoo]

am loving all of it caroline ❤ maybe not everyone will appreciate all of it but know that this is super precious to some of us (i think most of us!). thanks for being so open with your community and allowing us to learn from you 🌸 and learn together in a way

[@macaroni459]

The longer the video, the better! Thank you so much for making this and sharing all of this with us, this is such a valuable video for so many people (myself included) and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it and how much I admire your growth, your openness, and your persistent (consistent?) desire and effort towards helping the people out there watching your content who need it. Thank you x1000!

[@BobSurunkel]

My wife struggles with anxiety and before we were married, she often grappled with fear that I would leave her. Back then, anxiety really wasn't addressed publicly and was something she/we had to figure out ourselves. I always knew she was the woman for me and I would never leave her and I sincerely felt that she felt the same on her end. Thankfully, we were able to work things through and we've been married over 30 years. I think she finally believes that I'm not going to leave her! I've been following your channel for awhile now and I could see how you were struggling in your relationships/potential relationships, but Justin seemed really different. While no one can really know what is going on in someone else's relationship just from peeking in from the outside, you seem like a very different woman that I first found here on KZbin. You seem much more contented and happy and secure. I'm really glad you were able to keep yourself from "self-sabotaging" the relationship and, even if your relationship with Justin doesn't last forever, I hope you can remember the feeling and the lessons you've learned being in it. Best of luck going forward!

[@Caroline_Winkler]

I cannot tell you how this message nearly brought me to tears. I feel like I'm reading a message from the future. In a world where I'm trying to no longer seek reassurance...it still means a lot to hear from someone on the other side - that other couples have gone through this, and that you got through it together, and for the better. Your words here will really sit with me forever. Thank you for taking the time to write this.

[@lifeofjeannebromley2606]

I really love love looove this comment and exactly as Caroline says “it’s like getting a peek into the future”🥹 I am the one that has major anxiety and my husband is the zen Buddhist monk who grounds me and reassures me whenever my anxiety wants to jeopardize my well being. 🥹 We’ve been together for 14 years and he is that voice that I need to calm myself, he’s the voice of reason that reassures me that not the entire world hates me🥹

[@user-lh8im2vy8e]

@@Caroline_Winkler In that case, I'll comment too--I felt exactly like you describe for the first couple of years that my husband and I were dating. It caused so many fights and my compulsive need for reassurance and fear that he was mad at me or going to break up with me put so much strain on him. The worst part is that I knew from very early on that I wanted to marry him, and that the only thing that would stop that from happening would be these issues I was causing, and I still couldn't stop myself. Eventually I started anxiety meds because nothing else was helping, and that helped somewhat, but ultimately what fixed it completely (like actually completely--I used to feel like that every day and now I haven't in years) was just letting time pass. The longer we were together, the more I could successfully talk myself out of spiralling. If I had been wrong the previous thousand times I thought he secretly wanted to leave me, then I was wrong about it this time too, and I could stop feeling so afraid of it. Now we've been together for nine and a half years, we're married, and we're planning to have our first kid together next year. I'm not on anxiety medication anymore, and I still feel 100% secure in our relationship.

[@JordanS-ww4eu]

@@Caroline_WinklerI really really like you Caroline❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@JordanS-ww4eu]

@@Caroline_Winkleryou’re very pretty

[@GlareUsy]

A safe person who understands that a lot of this anxiety comes from a place of trauma and not a place of distrust is the most beautiful gift in this life. In romantic relationships and friendships alike.

[@OM-1111]

This comment is everything. Thank you!❤

[@annauribe5116]

GIRL. Losing trust in your own judgment? Check. Realizing the impact of previous relationships YEARS later? Check. So proud of you for tackling this head on and sharing your struggles and healing transformation. Love you!

[@jels.7889]

Yep! I'm in a new relationship now after 3 years single and I am having fears come up that I didn't know were there. Security in a relationship can feel so threatening when you've had a relationship mess you up before

[@LindseyDawnArt]

Same here ❤

[@M4rkeritaville]

"That healed person doesn't exist, I haven't met that completely healed person." This is weirdly soothing to me.

[@nellautumngirl]

I have never read that before in a self help book Caroline, and you embracing your imperfections is very brave and inspiring.

[@raindownxx]

So true

[@leannerae]

From the thrifting video where you turn to him and ask him if you should get more glassware and he responded "oh heck yes" I knew he was a great guy. Justin, thank you for being so wonderful to Caroline. We all love her. ❤

[@JakeJLivingston]

👏PLEASE👏WRITE👏A👏BOOK👏 I'm sure I'm not the only person who has said this, but I'm going to upvote this assertion: Your ability to create a structured and engaging articulation of this nebulous emotional epidemic is beyond important. Like your words and the specific way that you choose them has the potential to render you one of the most important voices of our generation. PLEASE WRITE A BOOK

[@Caroline_Winkler]

So kind. I’ve thought about it ❤😉

[@leatelierr]

Yeah, I think that this comment is right on point. I think you should write a book and I feel like one day you will.❤ Thank you for sharing this. I’m sure it wasn’t easy in many different ways but super important to talk about.

[@intri8116]

@@Caroline_Winkler genuinely, you have such a wonderful voice in the sense that you have a lot of good takes and a unique approach to them. I adore these types of videos. I'd read the absolute heck out of a book and pay extra for a signed copy! much love. even if you don't write a book, when you post these kinds of videos, it's so important. thank you

[@Nancetha]

Honestly, this needs to happen. Caroline words things in such a relatable, digestible way that is so effective. The way you articulate your thoughts and viewpoints so eloquently and thoroughly but in an effortless, easy to follow way is amazing. This has been the most helpful video I’ve ever watched about this topic. Truly, thank you for your time and effort in making this ❤

[@pegm5937]

Older lady over here - the biggest learning moment of my life was when I understood that I didn't own *all* of the emotions in the relationship, particularly when someone was projecting on me. Learning that, when someone said they were feeling a certain way and I "made" them feel that. Or someone was upset with me because I said or felt or behaved a certain way. I learned that, when someone tries to make me responsible for their feelings I need to take a breath and "take my own pulse". Meaning, I check in with myself before reacting to what they've said. Make certain that I think or feel or have behaved in a way I'm being accused of. And, if it is me, fine, then I own it and go from there. If I don't own it, though, I needed to learn how to recognize that and refuse to take ownership of it. And to actively say, "yeah, no, that's not mine, so it must be yours" and mean it. That was a pivotal lesson to learn ❤

[@catherinelodge4580]

Life changing -thankyou

[@hannahkruszewski3810]

I LOVE that response, to redirect emotional projecting!

[@The_Void8]

Oh, I felt this. It's so damn hard to do in the midst of these bursts, but this is the point of no return! Solid lifechanging advise. Thank you ❤

[@catecullen2521]

Older here too, projection is horrific especially when it's aimed at someone who already has anxiety. We end up feeling that we are not worthy of a loving relationship. We take responsibility for things that are not ours. We are only responsible for ourselves and our own thoughts and feelings. I do as you do, I check in with myself to check if it really is my reaction or not mine to own. Now I breathe and respond, if I need to, rather than react.

[@pegm5937]

@catecullen2521 it's a tough one to learn, isn't it?

[@rebeccaball229]

As a therapist and as a human person, I think your thoughts are spot-on, and your vulnerability so brave. One of my friends always says “Loving while knowing is the truest kind of love.” I’m happy you are getting to experience that kind of love.

[@juliamcgrath4479]

Also a therapist human scooting down here to leave this type of comment! You beat me to it! ❤

[@rebeccaball229]

Correction: the actual quote is “Loving while knowing is the most *powerful* kind of love.” I woke up, thinking about this, and the reason this clarification matters to me is I really believe it is empowering to be loved by someone who knows you fully. It’s empowering to find out you’re not loved by someone who knows you fully. Extremely painful yes, devastating perhaps, but also definitely empowering. Knowing you are known AND loved empowers you to be secure, empowers you to be yourself, and empowers you to respond in kind to the other person. It also empowers you to let yourself be more vulnerable and more known which deepens the relationship. NOT being loved once you are fully known (is anyone ever fully known??) also empowers you. It empowers you to find someone who actually will give you that gift. It empowers you to find someone who really gets you, and for whom you don’t have to play a role. It can empower you to leave. That’s hardest when it’s a long-term relationship or even worse family who fully knows you and then rejects you/does not show you love. I won’t lie and say that’s ever easy, but it can be empowering in the long run because it can free you to GO and find your true people. So I guess I could sum all this up with a phrase that I just came up with: “knowledge is power.” (You can quote me on that if you want to.) Also, sometimes knowledge is pain, and while pain is a teacher, sometimes we learn the wrong lesson from it, one of which is to hide our true selves away from everyone. Peace ✌️ be with you.

[@the_piano_nerd4960]

Either form of the quote is so lovely! Thanks for the insight from everyone in this comment thread

[@joannahaines1697]

@@rebeccaball229 Also wanted to say thanks because I needed the clarification for what the quote was really trying to get across. Great explanation!

[@josie2956]

OH MY GOD over an hour?! Thank you Caroline for giving us your time and energy and being vulnerable, I think I love you 🥰

[@iheargeese]

Right? I saw this and started doing some COZY chores. 💝

[@BlockodileDundee]

Damn. A one hour video that accomplishes basically the same thing as my last two years of therapy. This is so generous of you, Caroline, and I don't think there's a human being on this planet who isn't carrying a burden of some sort. This was extremely human and vulnerable, so thank you for being brave enough to share this with the world :)

[@BasiePlants]

The problem with seeking external reassurance is that the more you seek it, the less it lasts. Eventually, or at least this has been my experience, it becomes like an addiction, and you can’t get enough of it. You find more things to be insecure about, and you constantly need validation. It goes from you needing reassurance every now and then, to every few days, until eventually you daily need reassurance and you start even “baiting” the other person into giving you that reassurance. I definitely think it has to become a very mindful practice to seek it less and less, and find that within yourself.

[@Caroline_Winkler]

Wow so well put. You develop a tolerance to the reassurance. I think that’s why a tiny bit of infrequent reassurance feels helpful and healthy. Because it’s actually WORTH something. But when you rack it up, it loses all value

[@lauraska95]

That sounds so much like OCD. The OCD brain craves reassurance and 100 percent certainty, but because nothing in life is 100 percent certain, it keeps craving this reassurance more and more to get to a place of certainty that just doesn't exist. In OCD therapy we want to tolerate sitting with the uncertainty to signal the brain that it is survivable.

[@lauraska95]

I'm realizing now that you probably mention this exact thing in the video later but I'm only 10 minutes in so sorry if that was repetitive 😅

[@kitty123-o6o]

exactly my thoughts! it will just never be enough

[@Paul_ABC]

"Things I thought would matter but didn't" list! Did you invent this? It's genius. What a scientist

[@Caroline_Winkler]

Hahaha I did! I should get it trademarked, it’s changed my freakin life. 😉Ty scientist

[@Paul_ABC]

@@Caroline_Winkler I write down all the terrible things I catch myself saying to myself in my head. Call it my flog log (no TM). Seeing it in writing helped me see how often & aggressively I was beating myself up. Made it easier to catch and ultimately reduced it a lot!

[@GiveMeSoap]

Mine, too. Thank you.

[@spinfiresage]

Word for word, what you’re talking about, is exactly what I went through with my current partner. We must hold our ‘Justins’ close to us because they make healing much easier. This video is incredibly important, and I feel so thankful for you during this holiday season and always. Sending love from Idaho. 🩷

[@Katie-vy5rd]

Here from Idaho also! 😊 , I agree, she's special.

[@ClaireCelticMystic]

That is so beautiful. Now, I am crying, in Scotland. Love, Claire

[@healthfirstfreelancer]

You did one of the hardest things people can do - identify something in your life, a way of existence you’ve had for a long time, decided you didn’t want to keep living that way, learned how to change it, and actually took the steps to change it. I just want to congratulate you for that, because do you know how many people just stay stuck in their shit for their entire life and never do anything about it? That’s like, most people, imo. You didn’t, you made a change, and it dramatically improved your life and your relationship, and your partner’s life. That’s huge. Thanks for sharing this Caroline. ❤

[@bleakaf]

The fact you and Justin were able to go to therapy together, and that it helped you both, makes me so happy. I can't put into words how important videos like this are for the world. You absolutely should be proud of yourself for everthing you have done for yourself.

[@elemuri]

I'm 58, and I love your decorating videos... But this video struck home. Any time life starts over for you, you feel vulnerable and insecure, so, just know you're not insane, and this can hit you anywhere in your timeline. Thank you for sharing, it really helped me, I saw myself in most of what you said. Take care.

[@AnnaFitz]

As a couple's councelor, I want to say special thanks for sharing your experience and promoting mediation in these cases. So many couples see therapy as a last resort and come to see us when divorce is already on the table. Few people know that would they come when the miscommunication was still manageable, it could literally take under five sessions to resolve the issue. On the other hand, I admire your vulnerability and insight. Your level of self-reflection is admirable, as is the transformation process you have gone through in your relationship. Thank you for sharing your story with us, Caroline!

[@evakatz6351]

I wish that we could change the attitude around couples therapy, and normalise going at the beginning/ throughout relationships before so much damage has been done and time lost.

[@AnnaFitz]

@@evakatz6351 Exactly! So often a simple miscommunication snowballs to irreversible damage when repeated long enough ❤‍🩹

[@the_piano_nerd4960]

I’m so grateful my mom is so wise. The first few months of marriage last year, my husband and I kept butting heads, and each time would get worse from pent up frustration built up from the previous spats. My mom highly recommended couples counseling and wow - the difference was night and day after 3 months of going pretty regularly. (We were also super lucky because as grad school students, we could meet with student therapists for free.) While I bet we would’ve figured things out eventually, a mediator saved us what probably was years of time being at a loss for how to resolve conflicts and perhaps even prevented permanently damaging our relationship in some way. Long story short, as a newlywed in a happy, functional, satisfying marriage that NOW is figuring how to handle conflict constructively (and wasn’t anywhere near the point of divorce) - I highly HIGHLY recommend couples therapy. Couldn’t be more grateful

[@ellyr6234]

​@@the_piano_nerd4960 Yesss, I second this. One of the main things we learnt (in our first year of marriage going to preventative couples counselling) was to seek to empathise with each other when we're disagreeing :)

[@paigeschavey9126]

love this, love you. I just wanted to share that as someone with anxiety, I frequently experienced the confusion between "is this my gut trying to tell my something" OR "is this just my anxiety?"

[@raindownxx]

Caroline, I don't know if you read all the comments but I wish to thank you! I'd been suffering from attachment issues most of my adult life, and a few days ago my wonderful partner signaled that it's harming our relationship. Felt so much shame and helplessness. Your video pops up and an hour later, I have a two-page journal spread and I'm actually excited for the next opportunity to feel my anxious feelings and start working through them! The irony, and one of the reasons it can be SO hard to explain to people, is that I'm otherwise an independent and confident person. I am personally and professionally successful and my friends admire my ability to speak my mind and act with courage. but in relationships that are safe and very emotionally intimate, I somehow crumble to dust. My self esteem is nonexistent and my own company becomes misery. In some ways, the independence is also a result of long years of avoiding intimacy. Not to say that it's bad, but wow how I wish to be able to improve. Thank you for shining a light for us!

[@TheAngryMarshmallow]

I don't know you, but I'm really proud and happy for your excitement to sit with your feelings. That's incredible.

[@raindownxx]

@@TheAngryMarshmallow Thank you and all the best to you

[@the_piano_nerd4960]

I was the same way a few years ago. Relationships were terrifying because I was carrying some heavy damage from previous ones when I met my now husband. It took a lot of work and a lot of time, but we’re in a much better place now. Best of luck on your healing journey, it’s not easy or straightforward, but it’s definitely possible

[@user-bj2lu9qt3o]

Love your comment, thank you.

[@sashie253]

This is a great comment!! ❤️✨

[@ShellyBomb]

🫂 ~ Dear Justin: Thank you for loving & caring for "our girl" so well. There's most definitely been a significant shift in Caroline since you came into her life! May you both enjoy the upcoming Holiday Season together & with your respective families + friends ~ 🥰

[@erinatsurround78]

OMG something you said, I'm copying it in my notes so I don't flippin forget. "Something about constantly doing, I'm controlling the problem. Instead of healing through it." The mantra, "Do less. Do nothing. I feel bad, insecure....anxious passes" Thank you!

[@isabellamusser48]

Wow, Caroline. I never comment on KZbin videos (literally never - I think this is my first) but this video could not have come at a better time. Today is the first day in over a week that I haven’t had a mental breakdown due to crippling anxiety and panic attacks - A disorder I’ve always had, but that always gets worse when I’m trying to navigate dating and relationships. I just recently started “seeing” a friend of mine who has been in my life for a few years, but never in this capacity - And damn, you really hit the nail on the head with this one. Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts. I have been feeling very alone and scared for my own future, but am starting medication again in the hopes that things will get better, and that I can show up for both myself and this person who I would like to explore a future with.

[@sunnymeadow575]

Thank you for sharing! It takes a lot of courage to share. Anxiety can be so crippling in whatever form they take (panic attacks, OCD, etc) I wish you peace and contentment wherever your life leads you! You are so loved ❤ hugs to you

[@cecehectori9579]

You definitely aren’t alone ♥️

[@alexandramur4690]

You cannot be insane while being honest. Thank you for sharing your story, it’s always therapeutic to know that we all struggle a lot.

[@verakoster8263]

I'm only 20 minutes into watching the video and bawling my eyes out because I feel so seen! I literally thought a few days ago "I wish Caroline had a video on this topic". So thank you Caroline, you are such a gift!!

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

I couldn’t relate more! I think it took two years of dating my now husband to develop a secure attachment to him…so proud of you girl ❤

[@AoibheannDoyle-SoulTherapist]

💯 So relatable & healthy to share & explore this issue! The feeling of loosing your trust in the Self is devastating & takes time to recover. I am your fellow Irish KZbinr sending both you Melanie & Caroline blessings 🇮🇪✨

[@Caroline_Winkler]

Aw Melanie ❤ that really is so comforting to hear. It seems like there’s a bit of a transformation period when you finally end up somewhere healthy. Thank you for this, friend ❤

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

@@Caroline_Winkler for me I unfortunately had to hit a really low point where I almost completely sabotaged the relationship (I think many others would have left at that point, I became expert at pushing people away as a self-defence mechanism...before they'd 'inevitably' leave me for someone else blah blah, the stories we tell ourselves!) but that was five years ago when overnight I committed to quitting alcohol and to intense therapy/couples therapy. It changed my LIFE. I now very rarely if ever have *the thoughts*

[@Caroline_Winkler]

@@melaniemurphyofficialwow that is exactly what happened with me honestly. I really appreciate your sharing that. I didn’t want to go into personal details online but yeah I pretty much almost destroyed the whole thing. And then made a choice. I love watching your relationship now, so thank u for letting me in on your arc ❤ amazing and beautiful

[@audrey_023]

The magical thing about your tips is that it not only helps an anxious attachment person but also an avoidant type. So much of the underlying thought patterns is surprisingly similar (speaking as a long-time avoidant who’s gone through years of therapy to understand why I’m so avoidant). Thank you Caroline!

[@Caroline_Winkler]

I’m so happy to hear that ❤

[@victtayl]

Ah maybe it's flight vs fight response to the same underlying fears of abandoment or whatever the particular trigger is. Interesting!

[@jenniferwells252]

agreed. heartily agreed. thank you, Audrey for making that genius connection.

[@northwoodfalls1403]

That ad transition …. “It starts with socks ….” made me burst out laughing right out loud. Omg, Caroline. Thank you for that. You are so real and so funny. As someone who battled with anxious attachment for most of my life and didn’t really finally get a handle on it until my late 30’s early 40’s …. Yup. That’s all I can say. Always going to be a part of who I am but now I know how to deal with it. And ya, that bit about realizing that you’re not owning your own well being but rather giving it over to someone else was The Key for me. I mean, learning that I’m also autistic and that played a huge part in it was also helpful lol, BUT, everything you went over … I was just nodding my head and saying “yup”. Thank you for sharing this. Again, I so appreciate how considerate and respectful you are to yourself, to Justin and even your ex, and to us is such an honour to be a part of even in this relatively passive way from the other side of the screen.

[@kelseyhelenartistry]

Caroline, you do not sound insane. Really! You sound like someone who was afraid of being hurt. And thats valid. You`re choice to be vulnerable is so brave and it means so much. I am so proud of you for seeing it through. I relate to the stakes feeling high and not knowing the answer. Sometimes our compass gets broken but we can find our way to true north again. Sorry if that sounds cliche.

[@yippee1298]

I never comment on videos, but I listen to the whole thing and couldn’t help but cry at the end. I went through the exact same thing earlier this year, and did similar things to try to overcome it. This reminded me how far I’ve come and also how grateful I am to have such a supportive and loving partner, who understands me and doesn’t judge me. Thank you so much for posting this I really thought I was crazy and alone and now I know other people go through this

[@Caroline_Winkler]

Oh man. I knew I needed to make this videos for others, even tho it was hard to do. But I did not realize how healing it would be also for ME. I share those tears with you, and i really appreciate your words ❤

[@MeloniousThunk]

Caroline, your vulnerability is so refreshing. This sounds like Fearful-Avoidant Attachment. I hope you’ll watch Heidi Priebe’s videos on this! She’s the attachment goat.

[@victtayl]

Yes! Love Heidi Priebe. She has such a talent for explaining these complex things

[@mandiereheuser1914]

This is literally like listening to my own brain. It’s crazy. But it’s been so therapeutic because you made me realize something when you said it’s easy for you to cut people off once they do what you were afraid they were going to do - I realize it’s because I’m glad I was right. Like, I’m comfortable with the negative outcome because it’s what I expected :(

[@Isa-zj4sp]

Thank you for being so human and being brave enough to show it on the internet. I hope people are nice, you deserve it.

[@azlynzzz5]

Most creative individuals are highly sensitive. We're mostly private but at the same time we care a lot. 🥰.

[@eleanor.abernathy7836]

You don't know how much this content means to some people. Thank you thank you thank you. The feeling of release when you hear someone that has lived the exact same thing... Thank you

[@lyndacobb1140]

I just watched your Christmas video. I can feel your deep gratitude. I’m 61. My poor husband came on the scene and found a girl (me) frozen with anxiety, feeling lovable one moment, and then sure the other shoe would drop the next. It just never did. He hung with me through therapy, processing. I want to say one more thing here- and I am sure my husband would say it too. Justin (or not Justin🙃- love you too Justin☺️) will learn too. It’s not just him helping you navigate. He’s learning to navigate too. We should all meet people where they are. Sending hugs for the holidays. You are an incredibly intelligent, talented, lovely human. I’m so glad I found YOU… because young or old, we all travel this life together! Happy Holidays! ✨

[@sananne3681]

The first months during a safe relationship can be incredibly triggering when you have an anxious attachment, but my god does it feel amazing when you can move through it and get to the other side with the right kind of partner. Your anxiety wasn't a farce, it was just (misguidedly) trying to keep you safe, if that helps. I relate to all this so heavily!! The "Relationship OCD" book helped me so so much I cried bc I felt like it finally unlocked this thing I never understood and finally could piece together

[@elizamartin4263]

I relate to this so much!!! Looking back I can see why I felt so triggered but I'm so glad I got through to the other side with more self-trust.

[@sananne3681]

@@elizamartin4263 Exactly!! Glad to hear you got through it too :')

[@inesvanhillecampos9346]

Or the first years...

[@bleakaf]

Came here to also recommend the Relationship OCD book. Other huge positive influences have been Kirsten Neff's self compassion workbook, and Russ Harris' The Happiness Trap. Good luck out there everyone. The hardest lesson to learn is that even when you work through a lot of this, you may come to realise your relationship really isn't the right one for you. But you will be strong enough to deal with that, even if it 1000% does not feel like it. And you will make that decision out of love for yourself and honouring what you need, not out of fear.

[@sananne3681]

@@bleakaf was literally just thinking that I should have included Neff's book in my comment as well :')

[@ThePhantomReborn]

Caroline, you are not insane. I relate SO MUCH to what you're saying. I've only ever been in one relationship (we're happily married now!), and I struggled for eight years with extreme relationship anxiety (later, I self-diagnosed with ROCD and got therapy and medication). I met the most amazing man and I knew he was a safe human and that I loved him so much, but I didn't feel... settled or fully safe to relax into the love. People would say, "Trust your gut," all the time, and I was just so confused by that sentiment, because my gut was telling me to leave while the rest of me wanted to stay. It was incredibly painful and confusing. And it came in cycles (I call it the OCD storm) where I could FEEL an episode of anxiety/ROCD brewing, but I didn't have the tools to stop it. I'd get completely sucked into the constant questioning and reassurance seeking and compulsions. (Fun fact: my ROCD compulsions were mainly done in my head, which made them so difficult to stop. Lots of checking photos to "see if I still loved him," re-reading texts to get a spark of certainty, ruminating, etc. etc.) Anyway, it took eight years for me to realize that there was a diagnosis (ROCD), which made me feel so seen and relieved. At first, though, I didn't want to believe I had ROCD because I always thought OCD had to be more severe than what I was experiencing. But really it's a spectrum! A lot of what you're saying is exactly how to work through OCD! The root fear is not being able to deal with uncertainty. Once you can come to terms with the fact that there's no guarantee you won't be hurt, your world opens up so much more. There are other fears laid on top (like mine is being unlovable, for others it may be losing independence or being cheated on), and they all funnel down to the terror of not really knowing what's gonna happen. So thank you so much for sharing your story, Caroline! Though I'm sad you had to deal with that, it means a lot to hear someone else share their story and some helpful tools to a wide audience.

[@rocioiribe5841]

You have a really ownable, nuanced, wise take on so many things that have helped me in so many ways (from ur videos and podcast): -Your view of uncertainty and how allowing it brings peace -detaching from "fixing" pain for others and allowing them to feel it -boundaries with a consequence by simply stating your needs+ a consequence -how waiting until when is letting life pass you by You have a very Zen outlook on things and as I'm ACTIVELY doing this work and WADING in all the suck, you provide reassurance. I sincerely Thank You.

[@nikkid2926]

The fact that i came here for interior design BECAUSE of all of this…. Because I’m feeling how you’ve felt, and i am now choosing myself. I’ve lived in my late fathers house since he passed 3 years ago, and it’s been really hard to change/upgrade the furniture we’ve had my whole life. But i feel ready to make it mine and your videos have helped me INCREDIBLY. And here you are coming out with this video.. something I’ve been experiencing in my last relationship and still trying to get through. This is why I choose myself. I chose to educate myself and find your videos, which has fueled me and helped me tremendously. Thank you for being vulnerable with us Caroline i love you girl 🥹❤️

[@lauramathews3151]

Also even your ads are delightful, a LONGform video is just a BIG bonus for us!

[@kokkuma]

I cannot explain how much a video like this is important for all the people who suffer from this. I have struggled with the same anxious attachment for my last relationship, feeling so awful and crazy (based on other's judgment) about myself that I have started therapy (good thing) and developing an avoidant behavior towards relationship (bad thing). It has been years since then, I am trying to date but nothing comes out of it because the fear that I'll be awful once again it's always there, hijacking everything. Knowing that it's not me who is "crazy", that I'm not the only one in the world in this emotional chaos and that there are successful stories despite this makes me feel seen and hopeful. Thank you Caroline for the courage to open up, share your story and being vulnerable on this topic, it matters a lot ❤

[@nikitapradhan8015]

I’ve never felt so seen 🥺 thanks for being vulnerable to strangers on the internet. You’re making a difference in people’s lives with these videos!

[@ClueFinderDirtDigger]

As someone with OCD, the way you described your experience in this video deeply resonated with me. I’m so well-acquainted with this exact pattern of obsessive-compulsive mental spirals based on doubts and fears (not only about relationships, but also often about other aspects of my own identity or “goodness”). ERP and I-CBT (which combines ERP with a practice of identifying those “root fears” and core doubts that water the seeds of a person’s obsessions and compulsions) has helped me so much, and it sounds like that’s the path you’ve found yourself on as well. You’ve done so much hard and compassionate work on yourself; SO much to be proud of there! ❤️ Thank you for sharing your experience; it’s gonna help a lot of people. Wishing you all the best as you continue your healing journey.

[@mirny1509]

1. I ordered Bombas using your code from a few videos back. They are comfy. You’re right. 2. This is exactly what I needed since starting a new relationship after a year of healing from the one I thought I would spend my life with. Yesterday he was quiet and I immediately assumed that something was wrong and he didn’t like me anymore, which was absolutely not true. So yeah. I really appreciated this video and your experience.

[@mismatched613]

Wow Caroline, I've been watching your channel since before the name change and can say that I love what love has done for you. You've really found your niche having survived a sea of hurt, come through the other side and now to be so brave and vulnerable to share what you learned to help others. One of your other subscribers said it best, "from interior design, to *interior* design". ❤

[@leilap2495]

So sorry you went through that level of panic in a likely healthy relationship. I would call that PTSD caused by narcissistic abuse.

[@Caroline_Winkler]

i didn't want to use these words because people from my past definitely watch my videos but...yes. you read between the lines perfectly.

[@scarlet7658]

I struggled like Caroline, and ptsd by narcissistic abuse is the best explanation. I thought I was alone in my struggles, rejected a ton of people because I felt I will puke if I stay in a relationship and preferred to be alone. I was afraid of falling asleep with someone and it was an impossible task. My close friends said to get over myself… i hope whoever reads this and can relate - don’t listen to those friends, focus on yourself and sometimes push yourself with dating so that you can overcome your fear and trust again… it won’t happen overnight. I am so glad someone talked about that because when I was suffering I had no one to talk about this to.

[@rsmith4407]

Those weren’t friends. They were people who found your baggage very inconvenient to their own agenda and I hope you have an adjustment to your friendships due to them revealing themselves. You deserve good people around you.

[@leilap2495]

@@scarlet7658 EMDR is an approved treatment for PTSD that can be done with a trained therapist. I hope you can find relief.

[@aliyaingersoll9203]

I've been adjusting to the fact that I experienced that at the hands of a former housemate, who was my former partner's best friend. We lived together for years. This video was so helpful for me to start really looking at this and finally healing.

[@daurgo2001]

18:50 "So determined to not look like a fool that I was being completely foolish" Such a great quote/perspective. Bravo for being able to work through all of this! 35:04 I love that you share tools that you have found and use yourself! 35:21 "fun time thought" 🤣

[@sgallant2107]

"When the student is ready, the teacher appears." I relate to so much of what you've said. I accepted a lot of blame that didn't belong to me alone. It took a while to realize that there was enough blame to share. This spurred growth... and recovery. I was lucky, because I had been journaling for years. I'd also gone to counseling for a number of years (following up with the required reading), so I had resources to turn to. Thank you for being so open and honest. ❤️

[@mirsjaan]

Dear Caroline, I recently found your channel while I was suffering from a severe anxiety attack and looking for some relief and distraction to get out of that pit. I am fifty and finally accepting the hard life lessons and much-needed self-love. Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. I pray for a happy, long life for you and Justin. Love from The Netherlands ❤

[@mariamirolyubova6921]

22:23: "You can often change what you receive by changing what you put out." Fake it till you make it! Great reminder! My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have two children. I still have anxiety and self-sabotage our relationship from time to time, but I have a great partner who takes my episodes very philosophically (it shall pass) and is very patient. I wish I had put in the work you did at the beginning of our marriage, better yet dating, to keep him and I from unnecessary suffering later in our marriage. Peace from a subscriber in Ukraine.

[@jenniferw1595]

When your previous relationship was emotionally abusive- it is hard to trust yourself and others. I went from narcissistic parents to living with an emotionally abusive person. I almost died from anxiety and fear as my body fell apart. Living with an emotionally unstable/abusive person was torture. Thank God for my husband, his unwavering love, and his infinite patience.

[@patriciafuchs5970]

You were in an abusive relationship before. Of course once you got out of it, not having to deal with another person, it can be so liberating. You are taking a huge leap in trust and vulnerability. You couldn’t help your judgement because of history and the impact the old boogeymen made you feel. You are on the right path. I’m proud of you, he sees how worthwhile this relationship as well. I am so proud of you, it takes guts. It’s so hard to trust after harsh experiences. Having to explain things to a guy can also be difficult. He sounds imperfectly perfect for you. It all boils down to trust. God, Caroline, you are laying yourself, exposing your insecurities to him, it’s amazing, your evolution. You have taken a chance with vulnerability and risk. The little you have shown us of Jason , I saw a man who is committed to you, willing to take chances with and for you. Neither of you is perfect,

[@maya_skaya]

It's hard to express through a comment how much this video meant to me right now. Hearing you voice all these things that are sitting so heavy in my chest was such an immense release for the overwhelming anxiety I've felt. I took the deepest breath all week. Thank you, hug.

[@JadeBehnsen]

Hearing you talk about you and Justin having conversations and it felt like you literally didn't understand each other was so validating. I went through a time like that with my partner and it gave me doubts. I thought I had a reasonable mindset on what a relationship is 'supposed to be' so I was really taken aback by the going in circles conversations and the complete confusion. We also went to a counsellor and it helped so much

[@sufidufi]

Caroline... you did it again ❤ My 11 year relationship ended abruptly this year and it devastated me so deeply. I'm still recovering and slowly but surely reaching a place of "I'm fine with my solitude, I enjoy it". Finding self love and changing somehow more than I thought possible. And now my absolute favourite person on the Internet decides to make such an important video about this topic that I guess we all go through at some point: how to function after a trust loss that affects us to the core. It's like the universe has been guiding me through the process of loss, grief, and transformation. I'm so happy about this video. I needed it, and it feels as if a friend were talking to all of us out here in your comment section. You're such a beautiful person ❤ I'm happy that you found such a special person to share time with! Thank you for always cheering our days up 😊

[@mackenzie7517]

I do watch a lot of self-help content, but I've never seen a video like this that was done by the person who had the issue and grew through it. The video is usually a therapist or something talking about these issues in a clinical or theoretical way. This perspective from you, a real person who really went through this, feels so value. It's clear that an immense level of care and work when into this video. Thank you for sharing.

[@atrabilious]

Thank you so much for talking about this Caroline. I’m a fellow ROCD sufferer (I don’t think you NEED an official diagnosis btw - just spotting the key components of obsessive thinking and compulsive behaviours such as reassurance seeking, plus benefitting from OCD treatment approaches like ERP is enough). There is so much on the internet that exacerbates relationship anxiety: everything is very black and white/good or bad, people share only the good parts of their relationships on SM, leading to unhelpful comparisons, and there is endless fodder for reassurance seeking in those “10 signs your relationship is doomed to fail”-type listicles. Your video is a breath of fresh air and really brave.

[@MLiesel]

18:31 “Good enough to take a risk on, good enough to give my vulnerability to.” Beautiful way to verbalize this. Thank you!

[@veronicadee]

Caroliiiiiiine you angelbaby - from the bottom of my anxiously attached and recently broken - but healing- heart, THANK YOU for this video. It is the gift I needed for this season of life and it's so generous of you to share this with us. Wow just chefs kiss wow.

[@orlamcmahon6056]

Awww... sending some healing love to you and all my best on your self-love/,healing journey. We are all worth our weight in Gold!!! ❤🙏✨️

[@Julie-ov4cg]

Thanks so much for this video Caroline, nailing it as always. The smallest thing that made the biggest difference for me with this issue was interrupting negative thought spirals with the mantra "if we break up I will recover." Sounds bleak but a lot of the fear was thinking I'd be completely annihilated if I was betrayed/felt the fool/discarded etc which of course isn't true, we can recover from anything

[@UntetheredBanshee]

My CPTSD meant big time anxious attachment. I used prescribed meds temporarily to lower the anxiety enough to start addressing it (same thing as Caroline, almost ruined all my relationships). Off them now. Took about 4 or 5 years to go from newbie to fully secure and confident. It's possible! Therapy, reading, and you're process is spot on Caroline!

[@the_piano_nerd4960]

Congrats on overcoming that!! CPTSD is a monster and SO MUCH WORK to overcome. So happy for you in coming so far on such a difficult journey

[@Poesjerina]

This is so helpful, and cathartic for people going through similar emotions. I think many viewers love your personal videos just as much as I do (and just as much as the design ones) because they kind of feel like a friend conversation.

[@mmmgan1]

I truly am amazed at your capacity for growth. Even to be able to verbalize the most salient lessons you’ve learned so well, with humor and grace, is amazing. This really resonated in such a positive way. Thanks for for sharing ❤

[@ulrikitiki]

Yeeeeesss! I HAVE WANTED THIS FOR SO LONG! I went through a horrible time with my own attachment style. I worked through it and I would love to make sure everyone else suffering with this has the help and guidance that they sooo desperately need ❤❤❤

[@sammcdonald389]

This hit so close to home, I couldn't watch it all until I felt ready. Thank you for sharing and letting other women know we're not alone. I have a tendency to lose who I am by supporting my partners dreams, often at my expense of mine. Then I feel lost and express sadness and my partner pulls away, which gives me a greater sense of loss and fear. It's a terrible cycle I haven't recovered from yet. But I'm trying to stand up for myself and my partner is trying his best to support my dreams, even when I can't.

[@HappyHarryX5]

Justin’s a gem to work together with you. Thank you for tackling this and letting us know what has worked for you. It’s been wonderful to see you grow over these last two years and inspire us that it’s okay to appreciate something good happening to you. ❤

[@meadowselizabeth]

In the best way possible, this is almost difficult for me to watch because of how much I identify with and lived through this in my own current relationship. Therapy is amazing and your videos make me feel seen and less alone. Keep being you.

[@emilys9365]

"Thank you for eliminating yourself." Yes! 100% this.

[@StephASMR]

I’m 44 years old and have been married to for 20 years. He is the sweetest man. I had an unstable childhood and found it very difficult to believe that I deserved a stable relationship (of course I didn’t know that was the root of it at the time). It took YEARS to get through that feeling and let him in completely. I totally relate and things can get SO MUCH BETTER. I used to move houses every few years and shift through friendships. I have now had a decade and a half in the same house with the same friends. Sending love x

[@erica8645]

For years I have been sat here thinking okay I have anxious avoidant but NOW WHAT? Nowhere do they give you a game plan to get yourself out of it. The notes app list is truly life changing. Thank you for making this, thank you so much

[@melaniejaramillo6534]

*Attached* - read this book ladies!!!! If you have an anxious attachment finding someone with a secure attachment will help to heal past issues of being with an avoidant attachment or an unhealthy relationship. It’s good to know your true needs and helps to weed out avoidant types if you like more intimacy. Find someone who matches the amount of closeness you want in a relationship or you will always be unhappy or unfulfilled. Read - *Attached* free audiobook with hoopla app and library card

[@JG-jq4dg]

What you share here on KZbin is something really special. It is authentic, honest, vulnerable, brave, and thoughtful. And even more than that, it is increasingly wise, in the real sense of that word. You're developing your character in a beautiful and healthy way and giving us all such a gift by sharing it publicly. Thank you for what you put out into the world, Caroline. It is seen, recognised, and appreciated. 💖

[@FeralPetunia]

I swear you are so aligned with my thoughts before I even say things out loud. I’ll have a problem and bam you have a video about it, which is wild because it has happened with all topics across the board. I struggle with this so bad. I actually learned recently from my therapist that ADHD is a big part of the spiraling process. It blows my mind how connected everything really is.

[@mariahgeiger2350]

Just wanted to say I'm in a similar situation right now, and didn't realize there was a way out. This is so relatable and exactly what I needed to hear.

[@elizab.7428]

Three cheers for Caroline the smart and wise woman she shows us every video. You are an awesome roll model for so many.

[@kristen7840]

She really is 🥹

[@FaithEllieBeth]

YOU ARE speaking SUCH truth girl!! It’s our body’s deregulation after trauma. I can TOTALLY relate!!! ❤

[@jadynruthmusic]

You've been my favorite person for so long just because of how real you are... I'm young and you have been a huge inspiration for me, to do better in so many ways, and to not be so hard on myself.. Thank you for being you, you are amazing! Thank you for putting yourself out to the world... you're helping people

[@mariahtolonen]

Hi - some of this sounds like relationship OCD. I've dealt with the same issues. Thanks for making a video about your experience. ❤

[@juliakowalski7482]

As a fellow OCD-er, came here to say this! Yee olde "doubting disease" is such a life ruiner

[@alessa6964]

Thank you so much for taking your time to share this. I dealt with anxiety in my relationship for years and it took me a very long time to work through it and not experience things so intensely when something doesn’t align with my expectations. The biggest takeaway for me from your video is that if something feels uncomfortable it doesn’t mean it’s a wrong relationship and that there’s a difference between gut feeling when something is wrong and when the struggle comes from a temporary inability to navigate uncertainty. I love how you are sharing, I love your self awareness, and I Iove the way you prioritize your authenticity above all else. Thank you! 🙏

[@liz4581]

I LOVE unedited, long-form content on your channel. And, I LOVE all areas of which you bring Vlogs to us: design, arts, drama, chatty vlogs, etc....... Thank you for your vulnerability in this "Anxious Attachment" video, as I am one who is anxious/fearful attached and been married only 3.5 years. It is still very hard for me! Thank you for your heart! 💖 PS: This is my second marriage. My first was 25(ish) years with the hubs committing adultery; I divorced him. You can imagine how that has affected me.

[@HappyHarryX5]

@@liz4581 I wish you all the best in your marriage. Take care of your heart. Hello from Australia.

[@liz4581]

@@HappyHarryX5 🙏

[@katethegreat5947]

I agree with all the past and current comments about you being such a bright spot on the internet. I love your self-help videos and have actually used some of what I’ve learned from you when I work with patients such as “it’s ok to just learn from this.” I work in mental health and really appreciate your honesty in this format that often breeds inauthenticity (as you have pointed out). Thank you for sharing with us in the aim of helping others, I’m a huge fan of your work.

[@katethegreat5947]

I would also recommend Mindful Self Compassion (MSC) which is sometimes known as a third wave therapy (among others like DBT). There is a great workbook that can really be helpful for nearly all mental health challenges - it’s learning to relate to yourself kindly and motivate yourself with support instead of criticism. It has been life changing for myself and patients I have used it with.

[@OwnBestFriend]

you're so beyond real for this. you're not alone

[@amalia.33]

I love this video and how you show yourself more vulnerable. It’s like everyone has a burden to carry. ❤️❤️

[@liza-marietorna4966]

I relate. This is how I felt in past relationships and I would mask it with self-indifference. I don’t think you are insane, but I agree that the mental pressure of that can make us feel that way. I appreciate your vulnerability. All the best to you and Justin.

[@susiecunningham7799]

This is literally the big sister advice I need to head today , thank you! I have been experiencing this for the last 7 years x

[@paige7012]

Thank you so much for this video. I’m crying. I want to echo what every other comment says. You don’t even know the impact that this will have on people.

[@SweetheartMorada]

Thank you for sharing this, Caroline, genuinely. Hearing someone else put words to this experience is so relieving. I’m also curious if you’ve ever considered whether your experience fits with having a Disorganized (aka Anxious-Avoidant or Fearful Avoidant) Attachment style. It’s lesser known, but that’s what I’m working to recover from, and I see similarities in your description of having simultaneous intense opposing beliefs/feelings/impulses and wanting to cut and run despite loving your partner. I spent a long time thinking I had a severe Anxious Attachment style and it took a compassionate therapist suggesting that I might be dealing with both Anxious and Avoidant attachment patterns for me to see it. If you care to look into it, Heidi Priebe makes some great videos on Attachment Theory, including Disorganized Attachment. It’s been incredibly helpful for me to recognize more clearly the whole picture of what I’ve been dealing with.

[@Sreeses8768]

Wow this 100% reflects my thoughts! I was also wondering if she may be fearful avoidant for the same reasons you brought up. I just found Heidi Preibes videos the other day and that’s how I found out I’m fearful avoidant! Never knew in my entire 42 years of life but it makes so much sense now! Heidi’s videos are incredibly helpful.

[@luciafidalgo296]

This video takes a lot of courage to be so open and vulnerable. As I have become older, my anxiety has increased to the extent that I am on chronic medication. It's very difficult to explain it to anyone who has no idea what it does to your soul and mind, never mind your body. Thank you Caroline for being so brave. My heartfelt thanks!

[@carolynnanctildesign]

Brava. What you're describing sounds like a trauma response and I applaud your willingness to do the hard work of rising above it. Life is messy and, if you're lucky, you'll find someone who is willing to do their own hard work to grow along side you. I've found that this growth happens in stages. You'll reach a plateau where things feel pretty good, until it doesn't and you're off again, on another climbing expedition. Taking responsibility for your own part in it, is huge. Even more significant is recognizing that you are capable and you will be okay, no matter what. This game of life is a wild ride and it will continually challenge you. The lessons and opportunities for growth will never end. You've developed excellent strategies. You're well on your way. 💕

[@thelullinthestorm]

Thank you for putting this out in the world. 100% experienced this. Couldn’t be left alone at any time without a full panic attack. Diagnosed OCD, spiraling self talk of fears and self-criticism. Isn’t it a powerful thing to find someone who makes you want to finally face those demons so you can show up for them as your best self and they actually give you the unwavering support while you go through it even if you end up coming out of it a different version than who they first met? It’s interesting that for you learning to trust yourself was your way through. It’s so different for every person depending on the context. I didn’t get better until I had a good counselor show me that my mind was unreliable and I did much better looking at facts than giving any credit to my feelings. Which is kinda like your running phone note where you talked back to the fear with evidence. I had to learn to not trust myself and instead follow the science and the steps completely. Medication also was the answer for me. I fought it for years and I lost a lot of good years to that fight. When I finally trusted the dr and took the step for a baby dose of an ssri, it was like putting on glasses and seeing that other people don’t have to stumble around lost all day. I think the best part of going through it all is that now if my person died or left I have done the work where there’s a chance I might be strong enough to survive that. It’s still a might but that’s a huge improvement over where I started and I have learned enough not to dread it. I don’t know the version of me who goes through that yet so I can’t speak to what they can handle. They’ll face that if and when they do and I don’t need to worry about it now. Love every thing you post about life and your art, keep being your beautiful soul

[@tarbuckle2]

I'm so proud of you for breaking out of what could've become a self-fulfilling prophecy. That's especially hard when you can CHOOSE to walk away on the gamble that you avoided making a fool of yourself and the only thing you'd get out of it is the familiarity of being single, and never knowing the depths of how much you've (maybe) lost. You're an incredibly cool person, and I hope you know that.

[@kassandrafurtado3234]

Wish I had this video when I stated dating my husband 9 years ago. Thank you so much for putting this out there to support and validate others❤

[@lisarodriguez8681]

For those of us who have felt those confused feelings about our own judgement m, you are SO well spoken you are doing the best at articulating this than maybe any other channels. Caroline you are using your gifts combined to serve and there is grace in that❤️🔥❤️

[@shananiekamp3218]

Oh sweetie! Never question thinking that you are crazy! And you’re right you getting the advice that you were crazy was horrible advice from your friends. For those of us that do inhabit anxious attachment every single word you said made perfect sense. I am so grateful for you talking through this and I just want to commend Justin for being such an amazing man for you and being so patient. I am so proud of all of your growth!

[@kendrameyers6203]

I haven't even finished this video yet and I can say that I have never felt more seen! I felt this way early on in my current relationship. 5 years in and I am so glad I worked through these feelings/struggles. The question of "is this my intuition vs. is this anxiety speaking" is such a hard one to face especially after going through some difficult things previously. I am proud of you for working through this and for being vulnerable enough to share it on the internet! Thank you Caroline

[@lexbreal]

This is integral work in any relationship. Becoming yourself and learning all the fastidiousness of the wonderful shaped diamond’s we all are. The way you put this out there is typical of you🥰And you will help thousands of kind souls just because you’re not afraid to share vulnerabilities. Brave angles the pair of you! ❤

[@jesstina2932]

I AM SO GLAD YOU BROUGHT UP ROCD!!!! i am diagnosed with OCD and about 15 mins into this video i was like oh dear this sounds a heck of a lot like relationship OCD, obviously im not here to diagnose you but i am so so so glad that you have all of this information already!

[@himbeertraum]

Loooove your long videos and also when it’s just you in your pod. Your brain and your insides are helping all of us out. And being ridiculously funny doesn’t hurt 💜

[@Know_Thy_Salt]

My admiration and appreciation for you and your content just increased. ♥️ Thank you for opening up about this. It is important and I believe there are many of us who can relate. Perhaps this will also resonate with your story. My first husband and I were together for a total of eight years. I eventually discovered he had an entirely separate life with a fiancé in another state. So when you mentioned that you know people personally that have also experienced this, my heart sank. He and I divorced in 2005. I moved out of our home and got a one bedroom apartment. It felt foreign and somewhat exciting while also being overwhelming and surreal. Fast forward to now… I’m 44 with my second husband of 17 years. We have three amazing kids and life is fulfilling. We’ve each had to work through issues over the years, but therapy has been a big conduit for allowing us to hold space for one other through the growing process. You’re learning about yourself and doing the real shadow work so that you can be a whole person for yourself and for Justin. That’s something to feel good about.

[@jessapuff]

I have felt so much shame about my thoughts and behaviors as a result of insecure attachment with my current partner (who is amazing). You sharing your experience makes me feel not as insane or weird. Thank you for sharing hope

[@HappyHarryX5]

@@jessapuff All the best for you and your partner! Take care of you.