How I Learned to Love My Asexuality

In this video, we talk about the challenge of loving your asexuality, and how we can combat feelings of isolation, loneliness and the feeling of "I wish I wasn't asexual!"
Chapters
0:00 Intro
2:01 It's totally normal to feel this way
4:05 Create a positive wall around the negative
6:07 Hold on to hope
10:12 You deserve it, friend. We need you!
If you have ideas for a future video or want to submit questions for the Ace Dad Advice column, email me at [e-mail]
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Tik Tok: @AceDadAdvice
Web: www.codydaigleorians.com

[@emegvf]

I’m already autistic and being aro ace just makes it harder to relate to others. Sometimes I feel so alienated from everyone else. I think I just need to find my people but that’s hard. I’ve been trying to deny my asexuality and aromantic identity and it just makes me feel like a stranger to myself. I’m slowly accepting it again. I’ve had bad mental health over the past few years and I just want to feel like me again.

[@kthearcher3357]

I feel you. I sometimes mourn my old self, mostly that girl in her 20s. Im not her anymore. My new version finds out I'm asexual in my 40s, which explains a lot of my non partnering of my life, but has reopened my "brokenness."

[@AceDadAdvice]

These are feelings many of us feel. And they're okay. Your community is out there. Maybe they're here in the comments. You've got this. It's a journey we all struggle through.

[@sierakelley4705]

Non diagnosed autistic/not out ace I feel this in my soul 🤍

[@krissyk9767]

Yes I understand, I find it very hard to relate to other people or form close relationships. My only friend is my cat 😻

[@radiationshepherd]

The alienation is the hardest part imo, hang in there

[@DocTrower1980]

Me wishing I wasn't Ace is like wishing I wasn't autistic, childfree, black, or whatever the case may be. Even though I have taken my share of knocks and pings for being myself, it's a hell of a lot better than being "accepted" by society for being something I'm really not. Never have I ever wished that I wasn't ace, autistic, childfree or black. I can't and I don't want to because at the end of the day, I am what I am and I'm going to continue to be the best of who I am, and for those who don't dig me, well confidentially, I just don't give a damn. On that note, I'd like to thank you for letting me be myself and love every minute of it, because if I can't love myself, then how in the hell can I love somebody else?!?! CAN I GET AN AMEN?

[@Deeegenerate]

THIS. AMEN (And for me especially the end statement really hit home :'))

[@EtamirTheDemiDeer]

Amen!

[@andreagarton5535]

Amen!!!

[@michellelambton3636]

60, Autie, 2x divorced & finally understanding myself and what Ace is. Amen.

[@nat-oj4fi]

"Take a deep breath and just stop being ace." "Not successful, right?" God I love you.

[@AceDadAdvice]

I've TRIED. lol Haven't we all.

[@Crunchy_PB]

When you said to try closing your eyes and just stop being ace I closed my eyes and was immediately like, “what? no, I can’t” and then you said, “not successful, right?” …You got me. Thanks for all your vids.

[@matthewnowell4657]

I've spent 30 years blaming sexual trauma in my late teens for why I felt the way I do about sex and relationships. I have just found out about asexuality and worked out I was this way from before the trauma. I have come out to a few friends and I've haven't been this happy for years 😊 Thanks for the advice Ace Dad !

[@Anarchivist343]

It didn't hurt as much when I was younger, but as all my friends and community members end up in long term relationships it has become really devestating. I want someone to come home to, to support and be supported by, to love. I fall in love but it doesn't work out. We just don't live in a world where people prioritize platonic relationships as much as romantic ones. I feel like I'm alone and will be alone forever. None of my ace/allo relationships ever work out.

[@NicoleSole]

"We have to believe it's possible to be ace the way we want to" "Our most powerful action is believing we deserve our existence" One of the thoughts that gets me down about my ace-ness is the pressure to fit into this box of what ACE looks like and what ACE people like/don't like, want/don't want. I am my own individual and I don't need to follow someone else's ACE path for mine to be valid. Or, if I want a relationship, it doesn't have to look starkly different on the outside than an "allonormal" relationship. And if it does, that is perfectly valid, as well. I have nothing to prove. My aceness is real, regardless of what the world thinks of my experience. Thanks again for such an encouraging video!

[@rudetuesday]

Kindness towards ourselves is such a big deal. There are so many different ways to make a happy life, and it may require creativity we don't have early on. Thanks for another lovely video.

[@fyorr]

I'm not even ace (I'm omni/bi); this just popped up in my recommended, but I love the message he's telling here. He's so right. Thank you for spreading this! :)

[@AceDadAdvice]

Thanks for being here. Share it with any ace folks in your circle!

[@ivystuart1736]

Aw as someone who is demi/bisexual, I love seeing the solidarity between the bi community and the ace community !

[@Kris-bj9yv]

Being Asexual does not mean being alienated and alone. Honestly, it gives me more energy to give to more time to the people I care about. My relationships are deep and rich. I do not have a sexual relationships but I do have meaningful relationships that make life so much more interesting and fun.

[@videotaper]

Yeah I got a bit of vibe in this video that somehow being asexual separates us from others, I don’t think it does it all. It frees you from a lot of bullshit and let you have lots of good relationships. Though maybe this is more an aro thing.

[@Aeiouaaaaaaaaa]

@@videotaper Totally agree with you, it really doesn’t separate us at all, it gives our relationships the depth they deserve! Though I don’t think the video was trying to alienate asexuality or make it seem “other” in any way - I think the framing in the video was addressing the othering perspective that gets imposed on asexual people by the outside world, not that the speaker felt that way himself!

[@storiesbydarksaberlight1517]

I love this message, and in general I agree. The problem is that the external pressures that say I should be married *do* match up with what I want. I long to fall in love, and in that context, I don't think I'd mind sex. The only issue is that I've gone on a number of dates (not a *ton,* but a good number) over the last 15 years, and I don't have any interest in anyone in that way. I always thought I was straight but I just had too high of standards, but no. I now realize that I just *don't* feel sexual attraction. But I want to. I want to feel the butterflies and fall in love so badly, but it just feels like there's a disconnect between my body and my heart. Because of this, I don't really feel like I totally fit in with other asexuals talking about their experience, because most of them say that discovering they were asexual *solved* that disconnect between body and heart, not exacerbated it. Has anyone else experienced this?

[@ivystuart1736]

My experience was very close to yours, even going so far as to hookup with randos just to see if I could, and had a lot of quite frankly unenjoyable experiences, I found out about demisexuality, on the ace-allo spectrum but not fully ace. Once I realized that I can’t feel sexual attraction until I have a connection with the person I’m feeling it for. I hope you’ve found/find what you’re looking for !

[@battlehymnoftheempath3610]

I have sexual trauma in my past. Before I came to terms with it, I joined the Ace community. I still support the ace community because I feel that it is not acceptable in our society not to value sex. The truth is that sex can be used to dominate people. People can also have the wrong intentions when having sex with someone. Sex is so overplayed in our society that celibacy has become more of a sin than rape. It's OK to try to convince people that they should have sex, but it's not OK to question promiscuity and sex without attachment. It's such a personal issue and I can see the need for asexual people to congregate and challenge the paradigm that sex is about love and connection. If sex was about love and connection, than people would stay with the same partner and be loyal to the same person for a lifetime. That rarely happens because sex can drive people apart just as much as it can bring them together. Asexuals and demisexuals like me have an advantage in that we value human attachments in ways that people driven purely by sex will never understand.

[@rareunknown1026]

This is my first time watching one of your videos!! Thank you for this. I don't experience any dysphoria about being ace but I wanted to get the exposure to more ace content and this gave me advice that I didn't know I wanted!! I just recently (like three months ago) embraced the label of asexual despite feeling like it resonated with me since I first heard it (like four years ago). I kept coming up with reasons why I couldn't be ace. "I want a relationship." "I had a complicated relationship for a long time and had never given anything else a try so I couldn't possibly know." "I have a kink." "I'm in my teens with so much life ahead of me that surely I'll change my mind." "I'm germaphobic so I think sex is gross only because of that." Etc. Etc. I kept coming up with so many reasons I wasn't but time and again I would come back to the ace label because it felt right! I had to blow up so many boxes that I tried, and failed, to put myself in before I accepted who I am. I never dislike the idea of being ace, I just thought that I couldn't be. The lightbulb moment for me was when I finally heard the words "Asexuality is a spectrum." This told me in four simple words that what I'm feeling was valid regardless of any preconceived notions that I had of what it meant to be ace. What also helped me was being told that your understanding of your own sexuality can change over time. Right now I understand my feelings to be those of an ace person but if I start a relationship I may find that I am actually demi-sexual. That doesn't discount who I am and how I identify now, nor does it invalidate what I might feel later, it's just a better understanding of myself. I was able to come to these conclusions due to fabulous creators like yourself so thank you!!

[@AceDadAdvice]

This is wonderful. Welcome to the community and it's awesome to have you here.

[@shallydoul]

Self-acceptance is difficult especially because we aces can be such critics of ourselves, but it is possible to slowly reach self-acceptance and self-love. "Demonstrate to other people that it's okay to like your best ace life. Believe that you deserve your place in the world, believe you deserve your existence." As a panromantic asexual, I resonate so much with the message in the video. My heart is slowly but surely mending with time

[@AceDadAdvice]

It's a process. But you can nail it.

[@shallydoul]

@@AceDadAdvice 💜

[@juliacornejo7802]

When you mentioned there were people saying they wished they weren't ace....I remembered that what I actually needed was to understand and learn that I was ace. For a long time I felt lost, confused and that I was broken until I came across the beautiful word "asexuality" because the more I learned about it, the more I read and the more I heard people talk about it, helped me finally find the words to explain how and why I was feeling this way and more importantly, that I was NOT ALONE. I know this world is ruled by heteronormativity, do's and don'ts, but I have a quote for you: "Dicen que cada cabeza es un mundo, entonces ¿por qué encajar en uno solo?" "People say every head is a world, so, why fit in just one?

[@lutem8195]

I am an Ace and Aro. I grown strong enough to not doubt in myself in that aspect and I do not need external validation. I told a close friend about me being Ace and got the "You might change your mind when you 1st try it." I just laughed. Not because I was uncomfortable but rather at their lack understanding what it means to be Ace. Sure, I was a bit sad about finding out about how they feel about asexuality. However, I still see them as a close friend. I'm not going to try to "change their mind" or "educate" them. I don't feel it is my job nor do I want to. I do not need them to understand it, I just want them to accept it, and that is what they have done. They have accepted me, they don't shun me or make me the "end of bad jokes". Not once have they tried to make me feel bad about being ace. There are aspects about myself I don't understand and figuring out so I don't expect others to understand me either. I just have the standard that if people want to walk this journey with me they have to accept me as I am. Maybe there will be people out there that don't agree with how I handled my friendship and that is okay because I am happily continuing doing random stuff together with my close friend.

[@Aeiouaaaaaaaaa]

This actually really resonates with me, when I first started talking to a close friend about my asexuality it was actually a point of tension, due to them not understanding my experiences, as well as my own poor communication skills (in retrospect, it was mostly the latter). It took me until things blew up to realize that I don’t need other people to understand me in order for my experiences to be valid. And (somewhat tangentially), being right wasn’t all I thought it was cracked up to be. Though that last part is more a reminder for me. Thanks for your comment, I know it’s pretty old by now but it really helped me out.

[@hksnyder9892]

Happy International Asexuality Day! Admitting I was ace was a first step, and while it was so relieving to know I was not alone in my sexuality, it was also very isolating when talking about it to allo friends and family. People just don’t know what to do with asexuality sometimes, and what they say, while meaning well or trying to be funny, can set you back even after huge strides toward your own acceptance of yourself. It took a long time, but I’m finally re-evaluating the very meaning of love, and what it’s capable of in the context of asexuality(and in my case, aromanticism as well). There is such beauty in the love you can find in that context, the more I accept myself and lean into the way that I love people, the more excited I am about it! I hope that you love yourself and your ace-ness. In those moments that you wish you weren’t ace, remember that you’re not alone. We’re all there with you. And we think that you’re pretty cool.

[@AceDadAdvice]

These are beautiful words. Thank you!

[@JannyKey007]

I learned to be happy being ace when I asked myself questions like - but am I actually lonely (no), do I need a boyfriend to be happy (no). do I, by myself without comparing my way of life to other people's way of life, feel miserable by myself? NO! The exact opposite is true, I am happy being just me then why should I try please the society? Turn down the outside and ask yourself these things :)

[@krissyk9767]

Yeah I'm actually happier living alone and not having a romantic partner. I like feeling independant and I find being around people difficult and exhausting. There are health issues I have which are much more of a problem for me then being asexual

[@ThrivingNotDying]

Loving oneself is a journey! And takes time. I'm on this journey of healing and self love that being Ace is the last of my thoughts. It is what it is. Take it or leave it 🤷‍♀️

[@christianrolle2548]

Always be kind towards yourself, a good lesson to take with you through the world.

[@AceDadAdvice]

Absolutely.

[@joannvannek14]

damn, this is a well needed channel, glad I found it!

[@Thea_Andromeda]

The first few minutes of this had me in tears because yes, I definitely have all of those negative feelings and experiences you've described. Coming out as Ace has led to enormous consequences and pain in my life and it's hard at times to imagine that happiness is possible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting this content out there- if for no other reason than helping me to know I'm not the only one.

[@logical_art7120]

I'm really touched by how you expressed that topic in this vid. I think I really needet that. Thank you

[@blueumbreon444]

Thank you, I needed this today.

[@eternalenigma1628]

I found your channel after reading your book! Apparently you had just done a local event at my local Busboys and Poets so now I have a signed copy. 😊 My partner just broke up with me after I came out as asexual so it’s really helpful to read your book and watch your videos and learn to love my asexuality again, even though my ex couldn’t.

[@randomperson2777]

I know this is kinda unrelated to the video/subject at hand, but can I just say how much I love your glasses!! Kinda reminds me of the flag, which is amazing :) - your local ace

[@AceDadAdvice]

I love em. Zeelol!

[@lizbethlambert7657]

Needed this today

[@AceDadAdvice]

Glad it was helpful.

[@PinkyZAce]

Thanks for the pep talk! I need that today.

[@AceDadAdvice]

Thanks for being here.

[@grafinvonhohenembs]

I don't even want to imagine what it would be like to NOT be on the ace spectrum. Wouldn't change it for the world.

[@215Leanne]

Thank you so much for this. It means so much. I've suddenly discovered it is ok to be me. I'm not sub-human! It is an exciting feeling! Now I just want to know how and whom to connect with, as you say, to surround yourself with Ace positive media, texts, and people.

[@shykat9188]

Awesome advice. Ty. 😊😉

[@barbaraboethling596]

Great advice. Thanks!💕

[@AceDadAdvice]

Glad to be helpful.

[@amethysttoast3642]

Thank you for the encouragement, sir.

[@AceDadAdvice]

Thank YOU for being here.

[@Chamelionroses]

I never hated being asexual or loved it. It is just something that exists. Though there will be hate and those that are aholes about such things. I expect there always will be.

[@jasonwilkins3441]

It's not the world that makes me feel broken but my husband does. It's undeserved feeling of guilt for both sides 😢.

[@karenKristal]

wonderful and inspirational as always

[@AceDadAdvice]

glad to be helpful.

[@elizayoung3362]

Thank you for this video! 💜

[@AceDadAdvice]

So glad it was helpful.

[@moerakibeachbumb]

This is great. Great message.

[@AceDadAdvice]

Thanks!

[@amayraniklover6952]

I think that mostly all the romantic asexuals... We pass that face about wishing not being Ace... Because all the complications that we get through falling in love and the fact that the world only shows one kind of romantic way of relationships... One that it's full of sex as the most important part... When we know that it isn't that way for us... The most important have people around us that love us and support us as we are, because there's nothing to be changed or fixed. It's a hard way, but you're not alone!!! You are not alone!! Love U my Ace community!!.

[@sofiesbookishadventures1865]

Thank you for this message! 💜 Describes exactly how I feel sometimes

[@elliesconcerts]

thank you!

[@ohthewhomanity]

We may even find the community we want BECAUSE we're ace!

[@AceDadAdvice]

YES

[@ammaulani6386]

Thanks for this. I’m a bisexual who recently discovered her asexuality, and still struggling to accept this

[@dawntripp1974]

Hi! What are some suggestions for what to write on post it notes to ourselves? Thanks for this video, I really need it!!

[@AceDadAdvice]

Affirmations that help re-calibrate your mind. "You're not broken." "Who you are is not a problem." whatever phrases or reminders counter the negative voices that bring you down.

[@414caramel]

I LOVE YOUR GLASSES!!!! where did you get them?

[@AceDadAdvice]

Zeelol

[@p0etrygh0st]

that was really lovely

[@AceDadAdvice]

Thank you!

[@oceanmariep256]

It still surprises me that people don’t want to be ace. Before I found out about the split attraction model I thought I was straight and I really wanted to be ace so I wouldn’t have to have sex. I don’t know how to relate to wishing I could want people sexually.

[@kellswitch]

I think it's more they want to be like everybody else, even though that perceived normalcy is a fabrication. It's often easier, safer and less painful to be just like everybody else.

[@amethysttoast3642]

That's okay, we're all different

[@sofiesbookishadventures1865]

For me it is mostly tied to feeling like I am failing my romantic partners. Like being me isn't good enough. I have moments I wish I wasn't ace but also moments I wish I was aro ace. And just feeling like I am alone in my environment with being panromantic asexual.

[@krissyk9767]

Yeah I'm quite happy not doing all that gross sex stuff 😝

[@sofiesbookishadventures1865]

I am at a point in life where I am mostly proud and comfortable with my asexuality but it has been a journey and there are still some days where I let the negative voices get to me. For me wishing I wasn't ace is mostly related to feeling like I am not good enough as a romantic partner. I then switch between wishing I wasn't ace so I could reciprocate the sexual feelings of my partner to wishing I was aro ace and could just live by myself and not wanting romantic relationships 🤷‍♀️ Luckily I am mostly over what the world thinks of me. Let them think.

[@timnewman1172]

I agree. For me, having a fairly high libido makes it more frustrating than it needs to be. I do consider myself fairly romantic which being demi/gray doesn't rule out the possibility, but I have made my peace with it and do not actively seek out people in my life...

[@proserpina4448]

Let`s collect things we like about being ace, so that people struggleing with their orientation may find a source of joy. I like about being ace... - that I found a cool, warm and open community - making jokes about my identity - I don`t miss anything, so why should I dislike my asexuality? - not being distracted by the matters of flesh ;) If I cared about sex I would have even less time for my way too many interests Go on. What do you like about being ace?

[@neuto]

In my case, there is an *internal* factor that causes me to dislike my asexuality: that lack of sexual attraction prevents me from giving my all to romantic attractions (failing at flirting) and as a consequence losing my chances of getting close to someone I actually liked. Still, this isn't necessarily stemming from asexuality -since there are decent flirters in ace communities too- but I can't quite find the cause for it elsewhere.

[@AceDadAdvice]

I think everyone arrives here differently. At least there's a sense of understanding around it for you. Thank you for sharing your experience!

[@ferreirasant]

I get it, but still is so hard 💔

[@AceDadAdvice]

I agree. I still struggle a lot.

[@merle309]

"we don't want the world to be right" 😊😄

[@AceDadAdvice]

NOPE

[@poesia28]

How can I want to not be ace, if I don't understand what it even means to be allo?🤔

[@idk.3184]

Haha I used to think I was a waste of space because I was like “I”m ace and a girl. I’m always preparing for something that won’t happen.” And then I was like “what the hell. I love being ace. And also, I’m not a girl.” I don’t know what happened to make me be so ashamed and then be like “fuck it.” But it felt so strong, the hate. And the I was so concerned about other people and then nothing made sense “why would I think that?”

[@merle309]

I wish I knew if I was ace or not... I am confused! I don't feel sexually attracted to anyone and I don't want to have sex ever, but maybe that's just because of my depression and because I have a hard time liking myself. I also feel very uncomfortable with my body and have a lot of insecurities. Is that why I don't want to have sex? Or is it because I've only had some semi-good sexual experiences and we always did things wrong...? There are a lot of reasons, why I don't want sex. But does that mean I am ace, or am I just mentally ill...

[@rareunknown1026]

I just recently (like three months ago) embraced the label of asexual despite feeling like it resonated with me since I first heard it (like four years ago). I kept coming up with reasons why I couldn't be ace. "I want a relationship." "I had a complicated relationship for a long time and had never given anything else a try so I couldn't possibly know." "I have a kink." "I'm in my teens with so much life ahead of me that surely I'll change my mind." "I'm germaphobic so I think sex is gross only because of that." Etc. Etc. I kept coming up with so many reasons I wasn't but time and again I would come back to the ace label because it felt right! I had to blow up so many boxes that I tried, and failed, to put myself in before I accepted who I am. I never dislike the idea of being ace, I just thought that I couldn't be. The lightbulb moment for me was when I finally heard the words "Asexuality is a spectrum." This told me in four simple words that what I'm feeling was valid regardless of any preconceived notions that I had of what it meant to be ace. What also helped me, and what I think might help you more, was being told that your understanding of your own sexuality can change over time. Right now I understand my feelings to be those of an ace person but if I start a relationship I may find that I am actually demi-sexual. That doesn't discount who I am and how I identify now, nor does it invalidate what I might feel later, it's just a better understanding of myself. If you feel that the ace label fits you now, and you're comfortable with doing so, use it! If not, then don't. But keep in mind that you are not constrained to this label the rest of your life. If some day you develop a different understanding of your relationship with sex and attraction you can change what you identify as.

[@merle309]

@@rareunknown1026 thanks for your comment. I guess I can just use the label as long as it feels right. It does feel right, although it frightens me, because it will make relationships so hard. But if I think about it, my past relationship was hard too, because I didn't stick to the label and so I did things that I was uncomfortable with. I should stick to my boundaries, I guess.

[@AceDadAdvice]

I always say, it's not really important how you arrive, what's important is that you arrived. People arrive at asexuality in a lot of different ways. This is maybe your path. As long as the language is helpful to you, you can use it. When it stops being useful, you can let it go.

[@krissyk9767]

Same. I hate my body and I have health issues and anxiety. Even if you think your asexuality has a cause its still ok to identify as asexual if that best describes how you feel. Whether you use the asexual label or not, you still don't have to have sex if you don't want to. Don't force yourself to do sexual things just because someone is pressuring you or telling you that's "normal." You have a right to not have sex whether you identify as asexual or not.

[@randomobserver8168]

I used to think asexuality was just about not being interested in sex, itself rather an easy thing to avoid.

[@AceDadAdvice]

It's a wider spectrum, to be sure.

[@RichieKGB]

great help this - u cant switch of your ace-ness :)

[@AceDadAdvice]

not even if you try

[@maortheyoungcameraguy175]

I kind do wish I would be born normal.

[@AceDadAdvice]

You were born normal. There’s nothing abnormal about asexuality.