How Narcissists React to Mortification

Narcissistic mortification is a psychological experience involving intense shame, embarrassment, or humiliation, and can have significant effects on narcissistic people due to their heightened sensitivity to threats against their self-esteem. How narcissists typically react to mortification often reveal the fragility of their self-concept and their reliance on external validation.
In the first part of this video I outlined some of the common things which can cause narcissistic mortification.
This video outlines some of the common ways people with deeply ingrained narcissistic tendencies react when mortified including anxiety, depression, rage, vindictiveness and ultimately collapse.
References:
Kernberg, O. (1975). Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism
Millon, T. (1996). Disorders of Personality: DSM-IV and Beyond
Ronningstam, E. (2005). Identifying and Understanding the Narcissistic Personality
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#narcissisticmortification #narcissism #narcissistictraits

[@DarrenFMagee]

Transcript of the video available here darrenfmagee.substack.com/p/narcissistic-mortification

[@stupensardi2783]

Very helpful to be able to read this again. Thank you Darren. 🤗

[@SHEvolutionOfficial]

Thank you for this Darren. A quick question if I may: There seems to be some overlap in what you describe as being signs of Narcissistic Mortification and signs of persons who have endured / are enduring narcissistic abuse listed elsewhere--including some of your other videos--if I am not mistaken. Self isolation, for one. So as someone who still sometimes catches themselves asking "wait... am I the narcissist", how can one tell the difference? Great stuff as always :)

[@mptajo]

Many long-term spouses often end up adapting and using the same behaviors, although not actually a narcissist. It becomes a game of manipulation, gaslighting with no winner. It is very frustrating and fruitless. If you are living this, rarely, if ever, does it change, no matter how bad you want it to. Don't waste decades of your life like I did. Breaking free is the most difficult thing you can do, but I promise you it is worth it. You are worth it.❤

[@amac2573]

Other relatives can also unconsciously adopted the same behaviours. It is important to get good support and therapy.

[@amac2573]

Wishing you a happier future.

[@Angela-ul9si]

Thank you I just realized that I’m right behind you it’s been almost 15 years now for me. I’m tired of trying to help someone who does not want to be a better human being to the family that he claims to “love”. Words are just words to me with my husband now. His actions speak much louder and clearer to me than any of the garbage that spills from his mouth. 😊

[@mptajo]

@amac2573 You are absolutely correct! It is similar to a virus. Through years and years of conditioning, not having any better examples. The Ole saying "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. 🤗

[@mptajo]

@@Angela-ul9si I wish you the best of luck. Take what you have learned from the experience and use it to your advantage. 🤎🤎🤎

[@jeanettecook1088]

The word mortify has another connotation than simple shame... it carries an overtone of being embarrassed almost to death.

[@fooled_twice4668]

Yep- basically deep humiliation that is a high social rejection. It’s the root of deep pain and actually causes both physical and emotional (psychic) pain. No one can handle rejection and ignoring :banning/abandonment and humiliation well bc we are social creatures and deep down crave relationships with others and the need to be seen and accepted and liked and loved.

[@Fawn91193]

Yes. 'Mort'. Also, 'mortgage'--death pledge.

[@jansefran1752]

Narcs can NOT handle THE TRUTH.

[@nellythenarcissist]

Those with NPD will need a miracle to change because they are in a perpetual disassociation from their childhood trauma. And you need to be able to access memory in order to heal. Disassociation is protective when short lived, but damaging when maintained. Great video 🙏

[@user-hd6fc6hb7l]

Ive seen collapsed narc in older ppl & very elderly nursing home patints. No one visits them, sons & dtrs abandoned them yrs ago, due to abuse. We in our mid 50s - late -60s still.suffering after effects . Therexwas no self help internet growing up.

[@stupensardi2783]

Angry narcissist mother in law in a car is lethal. She even denied hitting cars and buildings eventhough we witnessed it. "No I didn't" is a favourite phrase of hers. 😢

[@spaideman7850]

narc would deny it even if u show then video evidence. they live in their own perfect world, anything bad about them is fake news

[@Anonymous-gn3ly]

When I was three, my Dad came home from a mental hospital. He had been there for a number of things he did, including attempts against me. When my mom got him out, he had a dual diagnosis with two delusional disorders, including "psychopathy." I waited for him on the porch. He walked right past me, saying he did not know who I was. After he had left the family, when I was seven, he vowed to ruin my life. I did not understand why.

[@thomashenshallhydraxis]

This sounds like someone I knew a long time ago. This story…

[@timhuffmaster3588]

Sounds like someone I knew too.

[@EmsEms81]

Your arrival in the family took the attention from him.

[@petert6543]

Sorry to hear that mate hope things worked out well for you 👍

[@Anonymous-gn3ly]

@@EmsEms81 Yes. I had never thought of that. I think that's a core reason.

[@ghilly_one1720]

yeah narc mortification. "you made me have an emotional breakdown", she says. i merely pointed out the truth when she was looking for agreement. she just didn't like the truth.

[@LouisaWatt]

They have a vehement hatred for truth

[@timhuffmaster3588]

I withdrew from my husband from the onset of Covid until his death. Any time I tried to understand and asked for his input it turned into a screaming admonishment. I grew up in a house full of narcissists and chaos; gaslighting, mixed messages, abuse of every variety, and constant yelling. At the point I withdrew I had had it but stayed because he had cancer and was dying.

[@Jettypilelegs]

I left my rageful narc last year, he has cancer. It wasn’t easy but actually the diagnosis made his behaviour worse. I found out last week that he has secondary cancer now and they are still treating the first one. I’m close friends with his daughter so she keeps me updated. I feel no sympathy and maybe that’s cold but after we split his daughter told me a lot of things I was unaware of because he lied and lied for the entire 13 years we were together. I don’t wish him dead but it’s his own fault he’s alone with no friends now.

[@timhuffmaster3588]

@@Jettypilelegs I’m a former nurse who worked in all areas of nursing “womb to tomb” for 25 years. I repeatedly urged him to seek medical intervention for his multiple physical complaints as long as twenty years ago. He ignored my advice and pleas. He could have had all of them treated decades ago but, because he refused he allowed the problems to worsen and eventually become life threatening and eventually fatal. He was also 87 years old. We were together for 32 years.

[@Jettypilelegs]

@@timhuffmaster3588 same. My ex was coughing up blood and had a hacking cough for years but wouldn’t go to the doctor because he was a very heavy smoker and didn’t want to stop. I was watching him kill himself slowly, but if I said anything about it, even the smallest thing, he would immediately spitefully rage at me. Now he’s lost me and is losing his life.

[@ladyv5655]

I believe my narcissistic mother experienced narcissistic mortification as she aged, which ultimately led to narcissistic collapse and her death. As she aged, her health declined. She lost most of her money to a scam. Combine that with her social isolation during the COVID lockdown and the realization that her children each maintained to greater or lesser degree a Gray Rock strategy of interacting with her and her grandchildren outgrew their relationships with her and were little inclined to take kindly to her criticisms of their life choices. I know she hated it that not only was she mostly disabled and dependent, she felt irrelevant to the people who used to fear her. Whenever I started to feel sorry for her, she would say the nastiest things, deliberately to be hurtful.

[@bunberrier]

I clicked to find out what mortification is. But yes, this does reflect my experience. Now that my ex wife and I are years past all that she makes up the most ludicrous, grandiose and clearly nonsense stories that make those that hear them just roll their eyes and laugh. These types at the end are like impotent cartoon villians, as their plans go up in smoke they are shaking their fists and shouting that its not over and that they are invincible.

[@melissawhite4620]

😂 I pictured my ex narc acting out that last part and had to laugh at the visual. It’s so TRUE! So thank you for that!

[@fooled_twice4668]

Seriously LOVED this video. Taking notes and want to show my loved ones with narcissistic tendencies…. But i know if i do, they will deny doing it, get mad, throw a tantrum , give me a silent treatment, accuse me of doing something , bring up an old grudge they have and play the victim, denigrate my credibility, isolate themselves, pout, throw a pity party, over-react, storm off on a narc rage, smear me later, lash out, deflect blame, collect data to later use against me, claim they can’t handle this “conversation “ bc they are anxious or depressed, feign a panic attack, tell me they “need a drink”, blame me for their behavior, disassociate and claim they forgot our entire discussion. So maybe i won’t even try. Sucks that you can never confront a narcissist, because they will never understand or accept their role in the problem . The best we can do is minimize contact, lower our expectations and find healthy normal empathic people to share our lives with.

[@marylouleeman591]

Save your breath. It does not go well when we try to show them. I feel for you because I believe I know the frustration while we are trying to deal with it.

[@jeryuen6563]

Two years ago I woke up to my son being stolen from me by his mother. I was beyond depressed, not knowing what had happened. She claimed I was dangerous to my son,He doesn't believe so, turning my friends and family against me. Keeping him for herself. Then she called me a narcissist. Since then I have documented everything. His birthday is in three weeks. Court two days after. I promised him daddy was doing everything I can to change things. He asked "more daddy?" I hope so. I am afraid of what might happen afterwards, as much as I have been afraid of what is happening. I can only hope, but no matter what my son's life will be more difficult than it had to be.

[@John_Wood_]

Nightmare, hopefully you can get a good outcome form court.

[@ronanmulligan8807]

So sad. Try to keep strong. Easy to say I know…

[@marylouleeman591]

This is an exciting title for me as I recently understood things better after a lifetime of being crushed by narcs in my family. I took the big one on and exposed aloud to the room, not to anyone in particular, just what he might be doing to me right then and just exposing him a few times over a couple hour visit. He has stopped his torment of me and treats me with respect but mostly with great trepidation and fear. Upon listening to this video, I see that he is withdrawing. Because of my very deep study of these folks, I am now not hating him and afraid but beginning to have compassion on this lost soul. Amazing to see in light of how very cool and popular he is with so many people. I love that I can show mercy to the one who ruined my life -- he and our mother. Victory is sweet!!!

[@ronanmulligan8807]

You go girl! Yeah on my best days I feel almost sorry for my ex … almost! I hope in time I’ll fully be able to forgive as this frees us up.

[@harmonizedigital.]

They love to use what about ism when confronted.

[@thecustodian1023]

Or projectionism Or Deflection Or gaslighting Or flat-out lying

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

True transformation requires willingness to engage in true self evaluation , humility to face reality and patience to persevere in the changing process. None of those qualities is unfortunately present in a person with strong narcissistic tendencies. Thank you Darren 😊 God bless you ❤

[@domeatown]

As grief is something I know very well.... Id almost describe it as a grief response. Isolating, changing friends, ignoring or using substances to make the pain go away. Very similar to grief. But in response to odd things. After a few deaths in the family and watching myself go through this, I connected the dots. Losing a game provokes grief, getting caught provokes grief. Things that would normally suck, but not involve the pure depths of grief.

[@thomashenshallhydraxis]

My wife was horrible to me. I don’t go out and be sociable due to how I feel about meeting anymore women. My xwife has made me never want to date a woman again. So that means no one is getting a date from me. I have to protect myself. I’ve dealt with 15 years of abuse; and it made me snap. I missed out on so much in life due to a woman. It’s crazy how one person can take so much!

[@ilsedemolder3973]

Maybe it's a good idea to go into therapy for this?

[@marylouleeman591]

All women are not like that. You need to know some of us are warm and nurturing and joyful and will appreciate you.

[@garryyoung8945]

It is unbelievable what these people can do to you but please don't feel like that, I walked away after twenty four years of abuse that almost crushed me but fate led me to the most wonderful girl that I could have ever wished for. I wish you all the best

[@garryyoung8945]

​@@marylouleeman591 That is the truth

[@terridillon3053]

🙏🏼

[@PeterShaw-ne1yq]

I experienced this narc mindset with a women with whom I had been very friendly. A compliment she heard as a criticism and an offer of help She heard as a one up manoeuvre on her. Upon the complment she doubled up as if I had punched her abdomen. The misconstrued one up she shouted she was one better! This was followed by wry faces whenever she saw me and silent walk by. Two and a half years later she said a curt hullo but my positive feelings for her was like the ebb tide on the Thames! The psychologist above described the mind set effect in detail and well These folk are in a different neck of the woods and the path between is very narrow and winding with pitfalls 😂

[@helenarubio3371]

I had never heard of the "collapse." Thank you for ALL you do to educate us. Thank you.

[@glenbateman5960]

Narcissists can be embarrassed, but they can never feel shame. Shame requires humility and moral regret, and Narcissists are incapable of humility and moral regret. That's what makes them Narcissists.

[@mrs.kpbailey]

Thank you!

[@wellallrightthen]

Helpful video. Thank you

[@winter-qd4yw]

Very well explained. Thank you!

[@daledennis125]

Another great overview, thank you Darren.

[@khaartoumsings]

What a wonderful colour that room is. Love it. Thanks for the video. Interesting.

[@fandangofandango2022]

Self Destructive Actions How Sad.

[@dianerios880]

Gaslight. Which doesn’t even feel like a strong enough term for what it is. 🤢😢😢😢

[@CorlinePascoe]

Is a narcissistic person suffering from a mental illness or form of it?

[@AnonAnon1]

What about the victims of narcissistic abuse that feel mortified, for example, in family or group situations. Is it normal or unusual for a person to leave the family or group behind and not return?

[@miriambarco8832]

The narc demands it.

[@gailfagan7579]

I was raised by a violent narcissist father, angry at having to be a father and husband. Violence, alcoholic fights weekly were the norm. I left at 16 yrs of age. It's been 60 yrs. It was hard. I have also alienated my sister. My father and step mother died a few years ago and I was not informed at all. I felt no grief, sadness at all, except from not being informed.

[@jesperandersson889]

yes and no clear answer exixts, what a mess...

[@oceanaoushn8803]

​@@gailfagan7579 ah..they died merely a few years ago?! When you were approx 70 years old? Shudder at the horror: some victims stay too long hoping that they'd outlive the narcs ..trust me. Watching around me, it is usually the narcs who outlive their victims.

[@gailfagan7579]

@@jesperandersson889 My experience as a young adult was miserable. I was the scapegoat and it was scary, very lonely and being rejected all the time. My experience is that you do what it takes to get out of that family system and create a better one. I am now a Christian and I can look back and see Gods hand guiding me through my life, my mistakes, my healing. I found myself very depressed, suicidal at times and crying out to God for help. Jesus was and IS my savior. All honor and glory goes to Him.🙏💕✝️

[@fandangofandango2022]

Sir Very Very Constructive / thank You.

[@pathfinder6993]

I'm close to mortification myself, shamed to death.

[@marylouleeman591]

Don't let them get you down!!

[@mildredbangtree]

I would love to see a Mary Toolan crossover interview one day.

[@Embarasin]

Any links to how People like me could get Help through modification .. you can imagine If someone wants Help and a way through.. they might be seeking frantically to find whats Going on or how to Address it…. And Be seeking support systems that Are going through similar things.. not a great moment when throughout your life you were the unwanted child.. so you create Away to survive that Believing You can Be more then anyone says you can…. Only to have a crisis that then presents you with new Pathways youd like to take and explore cuz you just want help to feel better.. and get through it.. cuz Whatever problems.. .. no one wants to be hurtful to anyone.. And Whatever i gotta do to be Better so i dont do that …. is fine… i just want to figure out How.. and where that starts.. and how to fix it.

[@truthseeker_phoenix]

Hi Darren, are you doing coaching at the moment? I tried to email you a few days ago. Thanks 🙏

[@jersenguard]

Hi Darren F Magee, Do you have a doctoral degree in Psychology or Psychiatry? Just asking to see if you're qualified to give advise.

[@theadventuresofkiwi5472]

Is narcissistic collapse how u cure narcissism then? Ive gone through an identity crisis, that mean i was narcissist? How does decompensation and narc collapse look different?

[@m.fazlurrahman5854]

The same way when the child with the surrogate grows up and discard both the biological and adoptive parents!!

[@tictactoedias1908]

Can it make them change for the better ? Thank you Darren ❤️

[@hurricaneaquatics]

I'm not answering for Darren, but in my 28 year marriage, I've tried everything you can imagine. No, nothing will change them. The only thing therapy does is teach them how to manipulate further. The older they get, the more angry and delusional they become.

[@harmonizedigital.]

No. They very rarely change.

[@ginaiosef1634]

I think nobody changes anybody, is a personal willingness

[@stupensardi2783]

I made the mistake to question and challenge narc mother in law about her behaviour and actions. I didn't know then about narcissism. All hell and rage broke loose and guess who got it in the neck....me daughter in law.

[@sylviaking8866]

There is no fixing them. If you manage to get them go to a clinical psychiatrist they usually get worse not better.

[@howyduinyall7653]

I’ll be glad when all this nonsense doesn’t exist, then we can live the real life,all suffering is temporary, the Bible tells us so. Seek Jehovah all you meek ones of the earth probably you may be concealed in the day of His anger- Zephaniah 2 verse 3.

[@marylouleeman591]

pie in the sky Dealing with it on earth is a real challenge and I am glad we have videos and support like this one.

[@howyduinyall7653]

@@marylouleeman591 Me 2 Darrens oratory skills and knowledge of this sad condition are very good, I was trying to get across the Bibles message that ALL types of suffering will come to an end-Revelation 21 verse 4.

[@gardenrose264]

Not long now. It's all coming to an end. Jehovah has it all in hand. 🤗

[@howyduinyall7653]

Won’t it be lovely when all this crazy making is a thing of the past,ALL suffering is temporary, the Bible tells us so, seek Jehovah all you meek ones of the earth probably you may be concealed on the day of His anger- Zephaniah cpt 3 verse 2.

[@kellydalstok8900]

So you want people to trade a human narcissist for a celestial narcissist that almost certainly doesn’t exist?

[@denisefuentes7905]

Donald Trump?