How Narcissists Target Conscience

[@kristineholt1601]

I am surrounded by a family of narcissists. It has been hard for me to understand just how pervasive it was in my upbringing. I'm the scapegoat. It's just so sad, I cannot understand how anyone can go through their life being so cruel.

[@almondmilksoda]

They are completely disconnected from themselves. I know it's not an excuse, but you start to understand how to have compassion once you realize how deeply lost these beings really are. I'm sorry you went through this and I'm wishing you healing. 🙏🏻

[@sharonthompson672]

🖐️ I'm a member of that club. Distance and boundaries help. I went no contact finally. Yes, the cruelty was the final straw. Live your best life, do everything you love and always wanted to do, but were ridiculed and discouraged for daring to dream. 🖐️🌞🌹🙂🍀

[@kristineholt1601]

Thank you for the kind message. I wish I could have compassion for them. It is hard for me to understand how four out of five children ( and one parent) are all narcissists. It has been beyond confusing to me. @@almondmilksoda

[@jasonsilverberg3170]

It never ends 🎉 An eternity in hell 😮

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

My family is in Maryland and I am in Tennessee. That's how I fixed that. Life is better for me in every sense that way.✌️

[@nin9249]

This is helping me so much while i wait for justice. Thank you for your work 🙏🏻

[@southerncatlady]

MY EX DID THIS! Only it wasn't with things I did. It was with deaths of loved ones. He knew I carried lots of guilt about them (I DID, before therapy), so he attacked me with that. Repeatedly. And every time he didn't get the response he wanted from me. He also weaponized my secrets. Everything I ever told him in confidence, things for which he exercised sympathy in the beginning, became a weapon by the end.

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

My response to a new colleague of mine who appeared to have narcissistic qualities- love bombing, gaslighting, and😢 manipulation- was "leave it alone" when they started to inquire about my life. Of course, I got attitude, but she left it alone.

[@JUMPforyourLIFE]

It also works to become boring, and use grey-rock method. These people are pernicious, highly damaging, and you cannot wake anyone else up about them not stop them from inflicting their damage, try as we might, getting out of their way if it is at all possible is paramount. I’m glad you are seeing the signs, and that you used an attitude. However, please be careful! They gain supply by causing friction. 😊

[@patriciafry8634]

My sister and I absolutely avoid giving any kind of details about ourselves or each other to two Nic relatives. We are in low contact, but they pry anyway. Self-preservation!

[@tims9434]

Outstanding as always Darren. You are a complete expert on this topic. Thank you so much ❤

[@ginaiosef]

Good to see you back! Hope you are much better and getting well! Hope Freud is well also, I suspect that rain had something to do with this. Thank you for this great video, as always ! Very helpful and true also, you know this type of people so well! There is so much to learn 😊

[@alter-ego-uno]

Narcissists strike me as living in a constant state of zero-sum war with other human-objects ---- particularly with the other's strengths.

[@mj3845]

Absolutely wonderful session you delivered. You really helped me. Thank you so much!

[@jessicagresser569]

One of the hardest things about healing from my parents' emotional abuse has been accepting that I'm allowed to be forgiven, too. The shame has been bottled up so tightly for so much of my life than even the tiniest, mildly embarrassing thing can set my entire day or week off kilter. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to mix up your words or to say the wrong thing. It's okay to not be perfect. ❤

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

@@jessicagresser569 it's more than okay. Absolutely no one is perfect, or even close to perfect.

[@lordfreerealestate8302]

This accurately describes a female narc in my circle. She was of the dark empath/communal narcissist type. She would encourage you to confide in her (she worked in a caregiving profession), then weaponize things against you later. She would find your soft targets and make catalogues in their heads of any mistake, weakness, or insecurity you have. They will find anything to weaponize. The worst part is, when it's a family member or parent, they know everything about you.

[@afraidtosay8471]

So grateful for these people actually working on this behaviour. They all must know that if we didn't have them many of us would likely be dead. I paid a week's food budget for a 50 minutes session to a therapist who discussed contract options and suggested I could look into co-dependency before the next session. I was never co-dependent. I was just broken by being alone in this.

[@tboned1]

This will be my first Thanksgiving alone...narc wife gone...kids grown...mom passed...just me and my dogs

[@imnoel8214]

Thank you Darren. The "real life" examples help to illustrate your points quite well. Also, I hope you are feeling better; you seem to be a bit under the weather. Well wishes for that joyous moment you realize you've turned the corner and are well on the mend. Actually, I wish this for all of us survivors, of whatever hurts we have experienced.

[@heartburn6160]

That was I riveting story. Nicely done.

[@winter-qd4yw]

Great video! I like the stories you sometimes use as their examples help clarify what you are teaching! It helps! You have a way of describing these topics that I find very helpful. Thank you!

[@Jayee9999]

My Mother used to do this to me ALL THE TIME as far back as I can remember! My brothers and sisters would do the same thing.

[@Teacher369]

A BIG resounding THANK YOU, Darren. ☀️ ☮️

[@maragirl1658]

That sample story really hit hard about the manipulation and use of weaknesses to control others.

[@vickit3124]

OMG ……. the blame shifting!! It’s never ending. I told my soon to be ex that I hadn’t discuss our relationship with any friends or family (after he was trying to get out of me who knew about us and our issues. And I haven’t. He tried to turn that around on me as being ‘unhealthy’ to not talk with people outside the relationship and how that was part of something I’d told him about my childhood (putting on a brave face, toughing things out). So cruel.

[@crystalvanwijk]

It took me years but finally getting out. Your videos are so helpful.

[@prant8998]

Knowledge is power. During the falling in love stage a complete stranger will disclose intimate secrets and reveal things that would never be disclosed generally. For the unscrupulous, that knowledge can control people. The narcissist can use that for a huge advantage in manipulation. In my experience my Honey Bunny could say hurtful things with far more ease. When someone you love is now invalidating you, it has a deeply hurtful effect. It was unwarranted and out of context to any other part of a conversation. They are simply in the devalue stage of your relationship. In the beginning, it was valuing and validating, now it’s the opposite. They want you to suffer and they are sadistic. It may appear as winning an argument by playing unfairly but it’s deeper than that. They want to see your pain.

[@juliefreeman4993]

Thank you 100% right in every way

[@ss-hm4ug]

Thank you . Very insightful . I carry a lot of guilt as i am goung through the process of leaving . Always feeling bad for him . Putting myself and how i feel aside cause i made him leave the house . And its funny i forget the reasons behind it and just focus on me wanting him to leave . My fault , hes alone . Throughout the years he always used my honesty againest me . I will remember your words Darren . I need to stop seeing myself through his eyes. This video was so needed specially during holiday season as im trying so hard to get over the guilt and feeling bad about not having him over. Praying for strength ..

[@suzannebunbury2961]

Wonderful thank you❤

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

"We learn more from those mistakes"- Yes, sir. Never again.

[@ItIsJustJudy]

My two elder sisters are horrible, vindictive narcissists. I’m stronger than I was several years ago, thanks to a lot of therapy, but it’s still hard to think about everything I’ve gone through, lost, and how I have no connection to family.

[@Lovelife-f8s]

Same

[@sallyb4871]

Same.

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

I told the one at work respect my position, because if they don't and try to prod or think that they will wear me down, I will consider it harassment and get management involved. I have gotten the silent treatment since then.😊

[@deb2319]

Appreciate your time educating us. ⛵️

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

"Exploits their hopes and fears"- yes. Hindsight is definitely 20/20. She certainly used, better yet, misused the hopes to her advantage.

[@SimoneJassmann-jr5bl]

Thank you this is a very important video

[@clincpb8903]

10:04 I think it is projection of their fear of others 'opinions, because they do know they have a heap of misdeeds and wrongdoings on their conscience.

[@janebethshimon]

At first they converse nicely, so you feel safe to open up. You think you have had a fine conversation of mutual regard, like any two reasonably mature people would. Then the sea changes and the small slights begin, and it comes to a point where one day you complain and 💥 BOOM, everything you said has been weaponized to use against you. It's uncanny, it really is. Cunning, baffling. Sick.

[@alicethomas6645]

Spot on ....this is my life !

[@luzenidcabrerarivera4821]

I have a much clearer understanding of how narcissists target concience to get what they want. I hope you feel better from the flu, get well soon.

[@terrylynndelman]

Truth, thank you!

[@suzannechurcher1745]

They deflect from discussing the issue at hand. They wont even acknowledge your hurt over a behaviour of their's. Just pull out something from the past. Give it a bit of a spin or some added imbellishments and reinterpretation. When I saw this I was out of there

[@mcm9619]

Fabulous thank you .

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

Well, I put myself into a situation because I loved one, and this individual just knew that I was trapped, helpless, had no way out, and thought my self-confidence was obliterated. She was wrong. When it was all over, she walked out distraught and knew that she must bear the burden that she created alone.

[@Cornusnuttallii]

Darren- the sound is a little fuzzy on this one, but I very much appreciate the information.

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

Thank you😊

[@xsilentg]

@12:00 🌻

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

Forgiveness. We are the wounded healers.

[@privateprivate8366]

A narcissist will twist your self image, into their self image. Before you know it, the narcissist, anyone within earshot, and you, will think you’re the worst person ever.

[@DrekJS27]

My son, 12 has been wanting to spend some time with his uncle for the past few months. I'm not sure if it's a combination of substance abuse or my brother's wife (or maybe he just doesn't like me/my wife) but he has twice told our son he couldn't participate because he was going to get a nap. Been a steady decline in the ability to have a normal relationship with relatives the past 5 years. Not a good trend.

[@user-dv1nr9bd3z]

Thank you for the interesting videos! Would you consider making one about how to start dating again after a lifetime of childhood and narcissistic relationships? Kind regards from the South of France

[@DarrenFMagee]

Hello thanks for your kind feedback. I made a video on that topic previously if you’d find that interesting?

[@user-dv1nr9bd3z]

Oh that's great! Would you be able to send me the link or tell me the title so I can find it?

[@DarrenFMagee]

@user-dv1nr9bd3z it’s called dating in later life. Hope you find it interesting

[@user-dv1nr9bd3z]

@@DarrenFMagee Thanks a lot for taking the time to share this : )

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

​@@DarrenFMagee I saw a comment here and had a word pun thought: You could name your channel (or get a handle): 🙂🙃 Darren2Dreamagain ~OR~ Darin'2DreaMag'n 😉 (I've always loved word puns.) I'm pretty sure your one sentence of purely compassionate advice at the end of this video is the best I've ever received. I played it over several times to let it sink in. Thank you, Darren. You're a kind and thoughtful man, and I'm so thankful I found you on KZbin.😘 You're in Belfast and I'm in Nashville (Music City). Does Belfast have a nickname? I've always wanted to have a long visit in Ireland. God bless you!

[@marialorda8921]

Honestly nowadays I see my mother sometimes to protect my father who's a good person and is 85 next week. If he traspasses first (she's younger) then I'll do zero contact with her or near zero.

[@jeankipper6954]

Wow. I'd not spotted some of those things. Asking again and again, until I finally asked, what does they want to hear??

[@mickmaphari6606]

No human being holds the conscience of another though the narcissist may pretend to while being unable to hold their own. These people are truly adrift ...

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

They will use their love and sense of integrity.

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

This is a rhetorical question but will ask anyway: Where do these people come from? Gosh!

[@vickit3124]

Hell … exactly my answer too 😮

[@rennaehanson9996]

I have a question...I have a friend that always sends me links that in her opinion give a different answer or response to something we were talking about after the conversation is already over. This happens whenever we have conversations that don't agree with each other... I don't pursue it because I don't see the point in it and I let her know that I don't see the point in continuing the conversation but yet afterwards she'll send me these links that in her mind may prove me wrong or give me different opinions. I'm wondering if this is also narcissistic behavior.

[@tims9434]

Does sound similar. I'd like to know Darren's opinion on that too.

[@user-zy8gk2nn7d]

it is a narc - there is only one point of view - narcs view. narc wants you to admit your point o view is wrong - you are to be narcs function = supply servant. Agreeing with narc means supply. narc never agrees with you:))

[@hashh2019]

depends- like a commenter said academics do it. ppl that are not convinced n were dismissed by you n didn’t have the quickness to defend their position could do it after the fact. some ppl just like to educate others. u should question yourself as to why when others claims are substantiated by proofs would you not like it or preemptively block their attempts- to be not proved wrong? the only time it makes sense is a topic is trauma inducing for you n u guys have discussed in length n agreed to drop it or the other person sends stuff over n over after the discussion.

[@rennaehanson9996]

@@hashh2019 I did not "dismiss" her or the conversation as you seem to think. The conversation had ended amicably already. This happens all the time with her, hence why I asked the question. She is always sending me links or what she classifies as facts if it proves me wrong. The information is generally inaccurate or too generic to be able to base a judgement on. However, what concerns me is that if I don't want to engage in these ongoing items she sends then she gets upset with me. Even if I don't respond to it she gets upset, if I make the statement we will have to agree to disagree or something along those lines she gets upset. I do not see the point in engaging in a conversation that's going nowhere or that you cannot come to terms with. Nothing we talk about is that important to cause such angst.

[@rennaehanson9996]

@@annastone5624 Sorry, I apologize , I misread what you said, I deleted my comment.

[@kensears5099]

I have to admit, these are mysteries I will never be able to penetrate. I mean, why on earth anybody like the fellow in your first story would ever stick around with anybody as toxic as that woman to begin with--for years!--and how it could ever even get to the point where she pulls that guilt-card to cow him into submission, to "shut him down," when, by all that's holy, he should simply have walked away from her and her toxicity ages ago. No arguments, no scenes, no discussion, just walk away. I know these things happens all the time, but I just can't fathom why. I can only surmise that many, many people harbor such a deep, unexamined sense of need or inadequacy that they switch off their instinct to preserve, let alone cherish, their self-respect, their proper sense of mature, whole integrity and dignity. Their psychoemotional reasoning is so clouded, short-circuited, by a desperate, even fantastical longing after a certain rush they once upon a time experienced with "that" person, an experience of significance they've never managed to enjoy in any other context, that they'll even put up with years of frustration, always thinking it's a temporary "slump" in the relationship, in the desperately cherished fantasy that any minute now things will be as wonderful as they once were (for those few moments, relatively speaking, when the narcissist love-bombed them into dependency). It's such a horrible trap.

[@luzenidcabrerarivera4821]

It all comes down to manipulation and intimidation. They suck everything out of their victims, leaving them defenseless and with no identity as the person they used to be. I've been there.

[@kensears5099]

@@ShirleyLaVerne I am actually speaking as a person who "needed" a narcissist once, before I woke up and realized I was worth much than that, that I had my own real identity. When I say I can't "understand" it, I mean that I can't understand how it can go on so long, even permanently, without ever waking up. You woke up. Good for you. I know what it is to have the mind, the perceptions, so clouded and delegitimized by the narcissist's abuse, which is by the way exactly what you've described, so we're hardly very far from each other in our description of it. The thing is, you are taking my description, especially of the "longing" for the toxic relationship to turn into something better again, as some kind of indictment of the victim, when what I mean is, it is the most natural of human behaviors. Perhaps, instead of "I cannot understand" I ought to have said, "It continues to be mind-boggling" how such a convoluted, destructive, insidious relationship can get started and even endure despite its intrinsic negativity and hopelessness. So I do understand, and if my words seemed over-harsh, for which I do apologize, they were the "harshness" I apply to myself from a happier and freer perspective now, the kind of "harshness" that tells myself with gusto, "Absolutely NEVER do THAT again, old man!"

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

@@kensears5099 I'm new to Darren's channel and I just looked back at your comment. So how old ARE you? I'm a widowed grandma, and I'll chase my grandkids out the door if one of them calls me old! I always say a person's only starting to get old at 75. But I'm not there yet, so I may have to revise that statement in a few years. You're very articulate. I know your picture is really tiny, but I was thinking you look like you could be Darren's dad.

[@Mary-vq6ns]

2:55

[@resolutehamster]

Engrossing.

[@cliffthecoolcat]

This is a common one used by women in the US. I have had women so just that: take things you shared in confidence about my past to use it against me.

[@clincpb8903]

This issue typical of narcissists, not women only.

[@cliffthecoolcat]

@@clincpb8903 seems more like a woman thing..They really like to dig in and then judge you on it and then exploit. I never had a man do that to me but several girlfriends have.

[@taylor7326]

@@cliffthecoolcat Have you ever dated a man?

[@cliffthecoolcat]

@@taylor7326 I guess narcissist man is only narcissistic to women. Tayler if that is true then you were in probably the narcissist?

[@hashh2019]

@@cliffthecoolcatcoz you are not in romantic relationships with men. i have had men do it to me, especially when i have requested it or shown hiw harmful or embarrassing it coukd be to me, they bring it up at the worse moments in very degrading language too

[@AbyssalManta]

I fear one particular sub-topic is just too hot and taboo to actually address but... eventually someone will have to talk about the elephant in the room. Where does Narcissism end, and standard female nature begin? In my experience, there's considerable overlap between the two. I fear more people have had similar experiences than are willing to admit because... again. Taboo.

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

My response to a new colleague of mine who appeared to have narcissistic qualities- love bombing, gaslighting, and😢 manipulation- was "leave it alone" when they started to inquire about my life. Of course, I got attitude, but she left it alone.