The Devouring Mother

[@vickyb6588]

I think the only thing that saved me was my mother cycling through all of these types so I always knew something was very wrong with her. I’ve worked very hard on the issues this gave me and although I’m far from perfect I now have a healthy, happy son. So there is hope that we don’t need to pass this behaviour on.

[@3062-l7g]

that is the silver lining. dont expect them to aware and change. parents are innately impossible to take any impactful advice from their children. the contradictory sad fact is that there are problems only the child can see.

[@patjones2082]

👏👏👏Brava!

[@Maruzzela-l1u]

Well at least you have a son. I now understand that many ppl who believed since a very young age that its not in their life purpose to have children are just wounded ppl

[@kgs2280]

⁠​⁠It was definitely one of the reasons I didn’t have any children. Also, I wouldn’t have wanted a child of mine anywhere near my mother, partly because, being the scapegoat in my family, I would be afraid she’d tell my child horrible things about me that would undermine the trust he or she had in me. Plus, I was concerned there might be a genetic factor in her kind of mental illness that I wouldn’t want passed on, not to mention how ill-prepared emotionally her type of mothering had left me to be a good mother. There are, obviously, other reasons I made that choice.

[@kgs2280]

@@Maruzzela-l1uSo, everyone who is not “wounded” SHOULD or MUST have children? While that was part of my reasons to not have them, there were also many more that had nothing to do with that. There are so many reasons besides childhood wounds or trauma that people have to not have children, and nobody should feel forced to do so.

[@shanerob681]

This is my soon to be former mother in law. My ex’s psychologist told him that he and his mother were enmeshed and she was a narcissist. My ex is also likely a vulnerable narcissist. He sometimes expressed openly how much he hated her, but he refused to establish any boundaries with her and after we got married and I moved in, things went downhill suddenly. The two of them were always making major decisions together that impacted me without including me and there was so much triangulation. I couldn’t understand why he was behaving this way.

[@TC-gx3qn]

This is so terrible and accurate, Darren. 😔 I feel so badly for everyone that had to live this. One thing I would add (unless you said it and I missed it) is the Devouring Mother that places herself in competition with her children, especially daughters.

[@shayadayan3343]

My mother exactly

[@TC-gx3qn]

@@shayadayan3343 So very sad.

[@VilleGardian]

So sick. And she has liked to put us down, that we looked bad even though she was the one looking not her best.

[@shayadayan3343]

@VilleGardian oh yes I made her look bad too, although as an adult I can see she made herself look bad, everyone else knew that I was helpless bu no one could do anything

[@druzilla6442]

Congratulations on 100K🎉 My mother is very possessive towards me, like she owns me. She sees other people I surround myself with as a threat. When my mental health got better it made her nervous, she was afraid to lose me. When I had a problem growing up, she always had it worse. Being bullied she told me was my own fault because "It might be you there's something wrong with"... I'll never forget her saying that, who the f*** says that to their kid. She always seemed threatened by me in some way, she tried to keep me down. Most of the time I felt like a nuisance...

[@yamlwoz]

Same. If anyone was horrible towards me or bullied me she'd say "What did you do to cause..." Everything wrong on planet Earth was my fault. And I had to remain silent, say and do nothing in my own defence because "Take no notice, you know what they're like" which actually meant 'You don't matter, and I'm enjoying watching others abuse you'.

[@stephanieh7240]

Oh goodness. I was “raised” (obedience trained 🤔) by such a personality/ combination thereof. Putting the pieces together as I enter my 40s. I experienced all of these at different ages and stages, and her narrative was loud and dominating, strongly affected my inner dialogue, plus the perceptions of all surrounding family, so it’s been confusing to process and get to something closer to the truth. I’m low contact with her and independent, though life is difficult raising children in isolation. Most heavy to carry is the knowledge that all involvement/support is being intentionally withheld because I’m refusing to live under her control as she would wish. It’s as if she’s willing me to crash and burn in the hope I’ll beg for her assistance. That thought keeps me fighting through another day.

[@phyllisgermany2563]

Good for you. Try the Buddha philosophy for understanding yourself and become free so you don’t need to fight anything or anyone. 🙏🏻👍🏻❤️😉🤗

[@DrMoorehen]

I think you sound pretty liberated to me! You won't crash and burn, believe me😊

[@hiddenhand6973]

It may feel isolating but there are many of us out here raising kids without the help of grandma and grandpa. It hurts to see grandparents lovingly playing with the grandkids at the park but I am also very happy for them.

[@shayadayan3343]

Obedience trained exactly

[@Marcia_Toms]

My mother was emotionally unavailable after my brother was born with Down’s syndrome. My father couldn’t handle it. They were advised to have another child ( me ) but became unable to cope, uninterested and alcoholics. I grew up having a separate life in my bedroom, feeling I was an unwanted replacement for my brother. Mostly ignored but given expensive gifts when they felt any guilt.

[@hiddenhand6973]

You deserved to be bonded, looked after and cherished. I’m very sorry your parents treated you so callously. I wonder if your brother felt disconnected as well. Very sad. I hope you are doing better now.

[@visualapologetics4891]

My parents sort of disconnected as well when two close family members committed suicide in a couple years’ time. I try to view it as the trauma stealing them away from us. They were the “responsible “ ones in the family and bore the full burden of dealing with the deaths and aftermath, and then were the caretakers of my mother’s parents after. I wish it was differ, but I have forgiven them-especially because they were such you g parents as well. They did their best in a horrible situation.

[@Marcia_Toms]

@@visualapologetics4891 I am very sorry to hear of the tragic loss of your two family members. I hope you feel better now you were able to forgiven them. Thank you for sharing your story with us x

[@Marcia_Toms]

@@hiddenhand6973 thank you. My brother was taken into care at three days old because my father told the Doctors she would never cope with a disabled child. I tracked him down years later and visited him regularly( I was 25 ) and he was living with a wonderful family long term. He had a wonderful 22 years with them and did all kinds of exciting things at his day centre. He was very happy. I think he had a better life for being taken away to be honest, although that may sound sad. He passed away in 2009.

[@shayadayan3343]

At least you had a bedroom. My mother made me sleep on the living room floor at her feet. She had the couch

[@TheExtremenarcissist]

The 1975 documentary Grey Gardens depicts this style of dysfunctional parent/child relationship and how it persists even as the narcissistic parent enters old age. I saw parallels with my own mother’s behaviour towards me.

[@brendanthebdog]

There are unnerving similarities between my mom and Penny Fleck. Even as an adult, seeing intense neurosis and obsessive compulsive rituals makes my skin crawl. It was downright frightening as a kid with no shield whatsoever.

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

Bull's eye! You described my mother perfectly. There are just too many examples, but I will summarize it like this, which will give you an idea. By the time that I completed high school and entered the military, my attitude was this: " I am ready to get the f*ck away from my mother."

[@peteacher52]

George Carlin hit the nail on the head with many examples of this kind of parenting, one being: "These (expletive) parents who have to validate their own lack of academic achievement by having bumper stickers on their cars proclaiming We Are The Proud Parents Of A Third Year Honors Student.

[@DrMoorehen]

Cripes, that sounds awful

[@susanjones8489]

Those wrestling moms are the worst.

[@kgs2280]

I think that’s why so many younger adults these days have such a sense of entitlement and think the needs of other people don’t matter. I remember seeing those bumper stickers in the 90s and thought, oh, this does not bode well for the future. On a funny note about it, I once saw a bumper sticker, that I wish I’d gotten, that said “My mother was Prisoner of the Month at Las Colinas”. Perfect response!

[@imnoel8214]

Congratulations on 100K subscribers Darren! You are helping a lot of people.

[@mcdanygirl]

Best description I have heard. I am 63, struggled all my life, with relationships. At work, my family, some friends. I found out why in May. I have been on a Roller Coaster ride. I have understood why. Now, I struggle to thrive as a survivor. I have wanted to end my life, often. These people have no idea what they are doing. I have to work everyday to not fall back into guilt. I know of my mum and sister to be narcs, know I question my brother. Never thought of him that way, but starting to question it, and I see stuff now….what a ride.

[@sirrantsalott]

Congrats on 100K, everyone needs to hear what you got to say

[@marketa_snusmumriken]

Let's take a minute and appreciate the mint condition vintage 1984 Stormtrooper in the background.

[@aprilbrown53]

There are a lot of psychiatrist types on KZbin discussion these issues, but I listen almost exclusively to Mr. Magee because of his fantastic accent, but mostly because all the Dr. Who, Star Trek, and Star Wars models in the background establishes that we share a similar world view. The only thing that could make his office more perfect would be a model of Moira, from Farscape.

[@lyricmelody8162]

I was just reflecting on the connection between Star wars, Joseph Campbell's "The Hero's Journey", and 1980's Jungian psychology. Ah...a kindred spirit@@aprilbrown53

[@visualapologetics4891]

Lol!! 👍🏻😊😊

[@finalhexgirl]

(timestamps) 1:40 The Overly Controlling Parent 2:50 The Over-Nurturing Parent 4:45 The Neglectful Parent 5:30 The Neurotic Parent

[@thegardenofedn1969]

My mother was a mix of all the above, and would cycle through them according to how she felt me, Im the eldest and scapegoat, and the youngest is my sister, the lost child, whom happen to be an accident and was not wanted anyway. AND finally my brother, the middle and golden child. My parents got the showstopper and a BOY they always wanted. No need for us GIRLS. We only served TWO purposes. TO cheer brother on game after game after game..........and fuel mom with supply.

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

Kyle's Mom Cartman's Mom Kenny's Mom Stan's Mom

[@elisaamaroli7741]

Excellent explanation. It was much needed! What an interesting combination I experienced. My mother ticked all the boxes but the one of the absent/neglectful parent. That has been ticked by my father

[@spacegirl226]

This was my mother's behavior exactly. Scary accurate. Thanks, Darren!

[@patjones2082]

I ran away from a crazy, devouring narc mom in my late teens. Eventually, I was able to tell her, "You never wanted a child. You want a performing trained seal!" With maturity, I looked at the broader picture. It's not just me. She is incapable of genuine love in general, with anyone. Her "love" is a conditional reward for an action that directly benefits her only. Pathetic and toxic.

[@elinasam6225]

I commented the following on your TikTok as well just now but I saw a video of you describing the dynamic between mother & daughter when the mom is a narcissist and it was so damn good - it’s my friends exact upbringing. I wonder if you can make a video on what the upbringing is like for daughters who grow up with a mom who is a “rager” but not necessarily a narcissist: A mom who explodes into anger outbursts every day. I don’t know if it’s called a rager but that’s the best I could think of to label it. There’s no addiction or alcoholism or anything, just anger & rage outbursts every day. Swearing and calling the kids names and the smallest thing sets her off

[@colours01]

Histrionic

[@izawaniek2568]

If you survive a life in which your mother is your biggest bully, you become unstoppable. Everything you said Darren is painfully true. Thank you❤

[@R.L.Buick.]

What an excellent topic, though, tried to translate it into a family setting 70 years prior, attempting to understand how dad developed an entitled and controlling personality. No doubt grandmother had the biggest influence. Thanks, Darren, for speaking on these difficult subjects.

[@TC-gx3qn]

Congratulations on 100,000 subscribers, Darren!! 🥳🤸🏽‍♀️ I am so grateful for your channel. 💕 I pray that you will be blessed with many more subscribers. 🙏🏽

[@susanjones8489]

There are no boundaries with these controlling suffocating frustrated and angry moms. If you’re dating and there exists one of these “ my son my son” types, complete with multiple calls a day to an adult son to snoop into his life and exert her dominance, mom still shops for his clothes, and uses every trick in the book to create a rift between son and his wife or partner, run run as fast as you can.

[@caroleminke6116]

Also if divorced but mom is dead & daughter is his mom

[@user-ro4mx2uh2m]

Great description. I didn't know you'd met my mother.🙂

[@videowilliams]

One of the more lurid narcissists I've had the displeasure of dealing with came from a very pleasant home, at least as judged from my visit there, so I'm convinced he's one of those over-nurtured narcs you describe at 2:50 since I don't get that his superiority complex came from being deprived or beaten down at all.

[@h0lyspiritual.sweetheart]

Screaming congratULATIONS on 100k‼‼‼🥳🍾

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

Q: Why does it seem a lot of women seem to complain about a narc mom? These kind of channels tend to have a large amount of female commentors. We always hear about Daddy Issues, but I suspect more women are mentally harmed by their own mother. Possibly a same sex rivalry? You get to be young with your future ahead of you while she gets to get older every year. I'm one of the few men who despises his mother, mostly because she had to take over a father role as well, she is terrible at both. None of the compassion of a mom, nor the structure of a dad. Just loud, angry neuroticism. Hell

[@artandculture5262]

Feminism obscured something about individuals of the category.

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

@@artandculture5262 ?

[@Fawn-hv7mx]

They're over on the men's channels complaining about women in general.

[@Live1959-y7b]

Absolutely great information. I'll have to go over this one a few times I think because it's jam packed with knowledge for me. 😢😊

[@elisaamaroli7741]

Would you please make a Narcissist Father/ Daughter relationship too? I couldn't see it in the list. Much appreciated! Thank you for what you're doing!

[@DarrenFMagee]

Hi I’ve made a video on that topic previously you’ll find it in the narcissistic families playlist

[@elisaamaroli7741]

@@DarrenFMagee Thank you so much Darren!

[@amy65847]

Would love to see a conversation with Sam Vaknin on narcissism and psychopathy ! Thank you for your videos ❤

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Many devouring mothers have devoured their children. They have disappeared. 😢

[@kayjones6147]

Dear Lord...no one 5:14 ever had a more devouring mother than my late husband. She was so opposed to our marriage she actually came to my home some 3 months before our wedding and tried to get me to call the wedding off. Then with that tactic failing, she refused to attend our church wedding. I'm sure that more than one of the 300+ people who attended that Sunday afternoon were not the least surprised with her boycotting our wedding because many knew of her total possessive behavior towards my husband. We endured 26 years of this type of behavior before she died. And more than once it was like living in pure hell.

[@louisecampbell2628]

OMG! How awful, and stressful for the marriage😒😒

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

You are going to describe it. Be nice if someone could solve it. She isn't out of my life, yet. She will be. I've diagnosed this beast as having OCPD comorbid with NPD that inflamed with age, diabetes and a failed marriage with other difficulties. She isn't my mom anymore, but more akin to how a zombie monster that used to be. But, zombies are mute, slow witted. She is loud, overly verbal and angry almost 24/7. Circumstances have put us in the same house for months now, years really. Not her house, her mother's. I already moved 1,000 miles to get away from toxicity. And it wasn't even hers,it was my youngest sisters, who has traces of ASD\BPD. Jesus Christ, not being able to choose your family is a prison sentence. And wrongfully convicted at that.

[@HarmonySoldier-mg7sw]

You have just described me and my 2 brothers. The golden child The scapegoat/no identity The cotton wool child She is still controlling me and I’m 56 and live in another country I’ve never got away from her Spector. It’s horrific I’m tired of her parasitical malignant absolute power over me.

[@suzanne5651]

Darren, please would you make a presentation on projection? (Couldn’t see it in your list of videos). Much appreciated.😊

[@zvuho]

Alanis Morrisette - Perfect

[@finalhexgirl]

Another FANTASTIC video. I was wondering, if maybe in the future it would be possible for your videos to have names and timestamps for different segments? I would love to be able to scrub between the specific parent "types" to better distinguish what I deal with in my personal life.

[@riparoy1239]

Congratulations!! 100k subscribers.

[@SGTXSAVAGE]

This is my dad… this mixed with covert narcissistic traits. I love my dad with all my heart but it’s extremely hard to navigate. I feel trapped…. Smh

[@MissKim671]

This is right on point. 😢

[@Capt1021]

You Nailed it! Thank You

[@carolina.rentes]

Darren, could you make a video to help the people that grew up having this kind of parent? Besides therapy, of course, is there something that could help us to emotionally free ourselves from this?

[@DarrenFMagee]

I’ve a playlist on recovery, and have covered some ideas in my livestreams if there’s anything there you might find helpful?

[@dalehess6265]

Wow 100,000 subscribers. congratulations.

[@waylonjenninz]

What does one do if they have been utterly destroyed by a mother of this type?

[@MattyNelson-rs3ik]

Yes i cannot wait

[@jesselatner3894]

i just had a relationship end with a devouring mother. the child literally was smothered, could do no wrong and was coddled to an extream degree while i was neglected. it felt like she had a pseudo relationship with her child like she was her partner

[@caroleminke6116]

Often called the Deceiving Mother in archetypal terms

[@bramblebear3121]

Yup, my mom is a shit. Accepting that fact has freed me

[@getalife88854]

I just said in therapy how my mother gives out conditional love…

[@rhondamock7628]

Bring a notebook! Take notes! Lots and lots of notes.

[@87solarsky]

And what comes after this bit?

[@vickyb6588]

@@87solarskythe inner work and unfortunately it’s hard

[@amberfuchs398]

Can you do a video on self differentiation as part of healing from this type of enmeshment?

[@87solarsky]

Finally something we can all relate to. 😂

[@Kelly-oe8kr]

You've obviously met my mother

[@FindYourFree]

Waterboy with Adam Sandler had a devouring mother

[@simonandrews4355]

It sounds like another sort of extreme of Narcissism- is it?

[@Neecee615]

My MIL is the spoiling type. I see her doing it with our 2 year old, thinking she's showing love through material things. As a result my husband has become somewhat covert narcissistic.

[@nathanielnelson324]

Your assessment of the devouring mother is too close to what I have had to deal with reality. My own family and my one son and his mother I married into with and to later with deal with this insanity I had to deal with I was not able understand. Crazy.

[@unpopularopinions9076]

Well that was close to home 🫣

[@mcm9619]

It’s impossible to be a perfect mother . Hopefully children will grow up feeling that parents made mistakes but ultimately felt loved .

[@vickyb6588]

That’s the whole point here -sadly there is no love in the true sense of the word to feel from these types of mother. You just get her distorted impression of it which depending on your own awareness, you then may or may not pass on to your own children. Awful situation.

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

Conditional Love.

[@someguy2425]

Oh man I’ve heard that excuse before. Ie im not perfect but I expect you to be.

[@louisecampbell2628]

OMG!!! I NEVER EVER felt loved for ME EVER. ALWAYS conditional.

[@visualapologetics4891]

My parents were very young. Mom or maybe both from toxic backgrounds. Then some really hard life things-suicides-entered the picture. My parents did the best they could. I saw glimpses, especially in my mom, of the kind of mother she would have been if she had different circumstances around her. I hope, actually, that my kids will live a bit from family and grow their own relationships without the baggage my DH and I bring. But hopefully close enough that I can support them by babysitting grandkids…

[@galahadchavez2664]

That's my mom! 😅

[@jaysilverberg]

LOLITA

[@jamesanimal-u7s]

what is this too much nurture nonsense? The word nurture stands alone...all alone..as nurture.

[@MattyNelson-rs3ik]

Rip, Kevin Samuels. video,How mothers have failed their daughters,classic..read comments