How Nice Guys Kill

[@entropyfun]

Yes, I confirm that I acted nice out of fear of conflict and exposure. But I realized this about my self and changed my behavior. I realized that goodness can only come from courage and strength, it cannot come from weakness and avoidance.

[@alespogacnik]

we share the same history and are on the same path. Good luck!

[@entropyfun]

@@alespogacnik Thanks man, good luck to you too!

[@entropyfun]

@@carlyofearth It wasn't getting me anywhere and it always felt bad not being truthful, also other people's input, and realising that I was acting cowardly, I didn't want to be that guy anymore

[@ramxehs1180]

I’m pretty sure the “nice guy” title behavior she’s using is a coping mechanism for I guess specifically males, the non confrontational personality trait usually happens when the child grew up in a stressed home upbringing I think it’s Important to trauma heal the memories, shadow work I forget what teal calls it?

[@pilula65]

@@ramxehs1180 That's exactly what I was thinking too. And it's not just men.

[@fuqupaymi238]

Being nice is a waste, being decent and humble is vital.

[@bm5_5_5]

The most truly genuine people I know aren’t afraid to be disliked or rock the boat. They move with honest and confident intentions and are usually the people setting boundaries. Nice guys have to be liked and validated by EVERYONE or it damages their fragile ego. Be very careful when people excessively flatter you. You have to take a step back and think “this person doesn’t actually know me”.

[@thomaskalbfus2005]

I'm not afraid to be disliked here, the internet is the place where I show my true self, and I have been disliked and downvoted a lot of times, particularly on Reddit. I know I can't get into a physical brawl with them on the internet, so here I am not afraid to offend, though in some places this results in getting myself banned. I am a big believer in free speech after all, I just like to give my free speech where its safe, that is why I don't go out into a public square and shout my opinions at people, because instead of debating my on the issue I might get into a fight. I was never a popular guy, I just have a habit of rubbing people the wrong way, I don't know why.

[@annikabirgittanordlander6887]

”Kind is an other-oriented behavior where you demonstrate that you can act in the best interest of others. Kind people perform good deeds for others. A kind person feels empathy and acts in the best interests of others. A kind person is exhibiting strength. A kind person acts from care and love”. Teal Swan. Thank you Teal for talking about this 🌎

[@arianasha]

Yes it is a divergent tactic.. from the one still hiding from itself!

[@toby2real]

Kind people throw themselves into battle for the people they care about

[@NegG1919]

Yes, women should learn this by heart so they can explain it to partners, lol Seriously, therapists need to have this quote framed in their offices.

[@sosomm74]

I'm grateful for your service, Teal. Thanks for helping me seeing so many shadow facets manifested through the personas played in this life that I've couldn't even notice, or worst saw them as good or elevated behavior. And always keeping in mind the mirror mirror and universal law of attraction.

[@NoelleandOwen]

Yes, it was hard to hear, but ultimately freeing. Thank you for explaining it. ❤

[@sassykat2000]

I've often talked with friends about differentiating between kindness and niceness because I've always known the difference. My mother leans toward niceness because she's extremely concerned about the perception of others. As a child I was left in harms way because of this at times. This video is the best explanation of my very real experiences with nice people vs kind people.

[@weldtechpaul]

I agree whole heartedly. I was this person. Yes its fear. Its a lonely existence, and boys are damaged as children just like girls. The key to freedom for me was a focus on being the person I wanted to be, and not pretending to be the person I wanted to be. Learning to be kind. Not just so I would be accepted and liked, but instead so that I could respect and trust myself. I am 61 years old and have spend many years a prison my own fear. Thank you Teal. You are incredibly knowledgeable. I listen to regularly.

[@briellehunter7233]

Nice people have disowned their sense of self. They don’t know you can be confident and still be a good person. You can love yourself and not be conceited. They fear conflict because they’ve experienced danger upon saying no, thus they turn agreeable. They people please and self sacrifice to the degree it hurts others.

[@cockcarousel]

"Confidence", whatever it is, is known solely by women. It's a millimeter away from being a d*ck, that most women are. 🙄 So, no need to be like that.

[@asterixdergallier2743]

I am 71 years old and only now fully realizing what a deep catastrophy my being "a nice guy" actually is. (I had gimpses some 20 years ago, when I separated from my partner - which forced me to own the aggression I had projected on her. When it re- entered my body, I felt some 1000kg weighting down on me, and I literally believed I was being posessed by a devil) have been a nice guy throughout my adult life. And I do not see that I can really change it. But I do see the amount of suffering I keep creating, even and especially to those who are entrusted to me. And to "myself". It is true what she says. But I do not see how I could possibly use this in a way that would bring about positive change. I have changed my self-believe of being innocent. I see the immensity of damage. This is not enough, I know. Silently I still hope "someone else" could show me or guide me out of this.

[@kevinjolin6313]

Yessir! Exactly! I myself went from being a not fundamentaly bad guy because my heart was still hiding there somewhere. I think that the more you have walked into darkness, the more you comprehend from darkness to light 🌚🌝. I've realized last year that i never knew how to love, i just never knew what it was. I've went to prison 11 years ago and was so identified with being dark, all these chains ⛓️ and dark clothes i was wearing it was noticeably recognizable that there was an imminent display of suffering.

[@heathergeorges0869]

How did she just describe my ex to a tee 😮!

[@BonnieBregje]

@asterixdergallier2743 How honest you are! I think the answer is: learn to forgive yourself. Its the only way. Selflove is the beginning of change. We ALL have patterns. Male and female. There will be meditations on youtube that will help you forgive yourself. Just listen, feel and release the emotions that come up (guild, fear, pain, sadness etc) It will heal you. More love will enter your hart. For yourself, your pure innocent soul. We all have made mistakes. Feeling guilty is not the way. Forgive yourself is the first step. (I believe) (Just a tip. Hope you dont mind.)

[@danielleVdM]

“he has abandoned his own daughter without ever leaving the house” hit me so deep. i experienced that and it’s a crazy experience.

[@momohead35]

❤ me too My dad sucks.

[@maryfarrell9439]

Me too.

[@mcdibyoe]

been there, and I'm a guy. Dad never been there for me. And now that he's dead, good riddance.

[@DivineLogos]

Same. My mom saw daily what was done to me and did nothing.

[@maryfarrell9439]

When my dad hit one of us kids, my mum would put us in our room alone, and she’d be so nice and comforting and we’d have to stay there, and then we all learned to not even discuss it with each other. To this day 3 of my siblings deny the physical abuse and make excuses for my dad. He’s never acknowledged it. My mom was an enabler dressed as a protector

[@nikolayordanov3115]

Three days after watching this video my life has changed so much for the better. I am\was a nice guy. I used to think that that's how everyone should be, but not anymore. Blessing upon you Teal ❤

[@donaldshotts4429]

But everyone should be nice? Ever heard of the saying "To secure peace is to prepare for war"? You can be 100% nice, but also be vigilant against anyone trying to take advantage of you. Be ready to verbally defend yourself vigorously when it happens. You'll gain confidence and respect as a person not to be f with. That also attracts the opposite sex. Unfortunately I'm 57 and it took me 45 years to figure it out

[@TrueLoveSunflower]

@@donaldshotts4429 She distinguishes between nice and kind. The way she distinguishes is, nice is the facade without creating real value, while tending to mask harm. Kind is creating the real value without creating a facade. We as a society have got so disconnected with what real value is, what reality is, that we confuse the facade of nice with value and we fail to value kindness. So we vote or empower nice guys who *** us.

[@farrokh86bulsara]

As the band Smiths said: "It's so easy to laugh, It's so easy to hate, It takes strength to be gentle and kind." Tnx Teal for the powerfull, simple yet uncomforble truths you are sharing with us ❤

[@toby2real]

It takes strength and bravery to fix a situation for someone you care about

[@rreeeiinnnaa]

Hell yeah 🎉

[@405OKCShiningOn]

it be calm and listen to all sides. i thought i joined a nice group a while back, omg, it was not nice it was no ok but i didn't know until the doors were closed and locked. it takes major strength to think thru that and escape. I want to affirm that pple are beautiful and no man is trash, ever. pple are beautiful works of art.

[@farrokh86bulsara]

@@405OKCShiningOn indeed they are. It is our duty to be take care of our true nature to evolve from whatever circustances are in our surrounding. Ain't easy but is honest work ;)

[@gill426]

This is wild, I literally only discovered this band a few days ago and found some of their songs really great! What a 'coincidence' to see this comment now. I literally didn't know this band even existed even though they're from the 80s, my favourite decade. ;)

[@DeckardShotFirst]

My parents both played this game, each said the other was bad but left me to my own devices while the other was abusing. No support, just scoring points against each other, the kid didn't matter. Thanks for this, it brought up a lot of things. I've been struggling to feel worthwhile ever since, decades of being nothing. Teal makes another good point about "nice" people and who they are afraid won't like them. People will be nice and love-bomb until they are sure you like them, then emotionally abandon you to concentrate on someone else who doesn't yet like them. My last ex did this, the more someone was kind and supportive, the more she ignored and focused on other angry guys to the point of cheating. One video from Teal is worth months in mainstream therapy, I am grateful.

[@sailyx3jupy]

Oh it's like magnets. I just don't get these people.

[@witty_kitty]

Wow the ex you described is EXACTLY like 2 dudes I dealt with both from high school. The first had this whole public persona thing going on and he'd look for girls that didn't originally seem interested in them (one of whom was me) and spend months love bombing and being a "gentleman" until I started to let my guard down and instantly his mask dropped and he went completely cold and acted as if I was chasing him when I literally didn't even know he existed before he started love bombing me. When I lost interest in his games he was back on his bs except this time it took a whole year to trust him again and as soon as I did, he ghosted me.

[@witty_kitty]

The second dude actually used that while situation to his advantage and tried to get me to date him instead saying the first dude was an asshole and I deserved better, he also did the whole "gentleman" routine and just like the 1st dude as soon as I started to trust him and let my guard down and he though he had me in the palm of his hand he started ignoring me and chasing another girl. It really did a number on my mental health dealing with 2 of these back to back. My biggest relief is i wasn't sexually active in high school I cannot imagine how bad it would be. Idk if this is insecurity or narcissism or both but these people are messed up in the head. Damaged my ability to trust both others and myself since I thought it was my fault that I could just read their minds and know that there's bad people out there who pretend to be good to get validation and attention from you.

[@Fabi_87]

What kind of abbuse? I was sexually abbused in kindergarten by employee when I was a 5 year old boy. Sexual abbuse especially as a child is so incredibly sinister and fucks people up for life. But the violence I went trough at home from mother was

[@DeckardShotFirst]

@@Fabi_87 Not sexual I think, the guy was violent and the girl was mean, so it was either being beaten like a pinata (picked up by a wrist and hit all over) or it was being told you were garbage like your father and worthless. Oh, and they choked me out when I was three because they thought I would kill their daughter, that was fun. I called it fire and ice, is it better to be burned to death quickly or frozen to death slowly? ^_^

[@ShutterNChill]

Excellent video! I used to be a nice guy... what is important to know, that when you are a nice guy you were not born that way. Boys are transformed into nice guys by their bullying parents who lack the initiative to figure out what was the cause of the punished behavior, they just treat the result and do not root out the cause. For me being a nice guy was the only way I could survive the emotional and physical bullying of my parents trying to quick solve issues that were beyond my control as a child. Being assertive, owning my power as a child always got me into the most vulnerable situations with my parents, where I feared for my very survival. This fear of survival got so ingrained that reaching out to my own power, to integrity, to be fully present and responsible in a situation became equal to choosing the worst outcome possible where I am unjustly punished - not just punished, but destroyed, a part of me sentenced to death. When I grew up, I finally learned that when I reach to my power my physical survival is not at stake anymore, and I have the power to defend myself. However, that was only in the conscious level, and I was incapable to let it go from the patterns despite being extremely aware of this issue and constantly working very very hard on it. Shedding the depths of the ingrained pattern on which my very survival depended during the first 20 years of my life took me longer than then next 20 years. Once I shed a layer, I always found there's a deeper one underneath.... My advice for women who have partners with this nice guy behavior: BE COMPASSIONATE AND KIND towards your partner. As a nice guy what has hurt me the most was the same hurt that my parents did to me: that my partner never trusted me that I can become the man I want to be and who she wants me to become. Nice guys do what they do because those closest to them are HURTING THEM when they need help and compassion the most! Compassion and kindness is the only path to reach them. If you start by bullying and forcing them to change, they will wall up even tougher because bullying and gaslighting is what turned them into nice guys. These are the pressure points which will keep them drowning in that behavior. If you, as his dedicated partner show that you are emotionally supporting them, believe in them, they will be able to shed their behavior and grow up to be the man you want them to be. The nice guy WANTS to protect you! However, if you make him feel that he is not loved, he is not trusted, then he will convince himself that he does not have the strength, the foundation to take action. I understand that you want him to be that foundation, that rock. In order for that to happen, you need to take the first step and provide him the nurturing environment so he can feel SAFE, open up and own his own power. You are not to become his mother: his mother was the one who took his power away. You must choose to become his partner, who supports him to own his power. If you do not want him to change, or you do not trust him to go through that change, then go on your separate ways, so you can find the man you trust, and he can find the women who will help him at this stage of his journey. Love, patience, and kindness. They turned into nice guys because their parents did not believe in them, withdrew love and kindness from them, and found it easier to ignore, gaslight and abuse them instead of taking the time and figuring out what their actual problems and needs are, and find strategies to solve them.

[@nostalgicbliss5547]

man this was so insightful.

[@hsienjungchung2031]

Look how much you asked for woman to do for you! The guy like you should not even have a woman. You are energy vampire, nothing more.

[@grace_rm]

Thank you so much for sharing your life experience, so transparent and clearly articulated; I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I'll have this present when coming across a nice guy, keeping understanding and true compassion 🙏💙 Wishing all the best to you, you deserve it 🙏🕊☀️😌💐

[@ShutterNChill]

@@grace_rm Thank you! ; )

[@Shiv00532]

An absolute wow, this was exactly that happened with me, , but my bad luck, my life turned upside down when I became a life long patient depending on life saving drugs its has been a absolute dreadful journey for me, lost father when I was 7, grew up with worst possible mental and physical agony , so much so that now I feel I have no body and still trying to be nice to everyone what a Irony

[@Dicer328]

Don't forget that your best friend isn't going to be nice to you, they will tell it to you straight. Let that sink in.

[@baethamora]

Yes! Lost three “friends” over the years when I finally stood up to their deception - mostly their self-deception. I was speaking up because I could see them driving into a wall with their choices but my voice activated their shame and rage.

[@blissfulbaboon]

Very very true.Real friends will allow and welcome your total honesty

[@steelstreet3765]

Would a real best friend tell you not to get married?

[@palefireinca]

​@@blissfulbaboonYes. A best friend would say that. And ask what was really going on.

[@Hugo_Mali]

​@@steelstreet3765Sure, if they think there's a reason not to

[@alicentmarveltrra2504]

“Kind men step INTO conflict, ‘nice’ men AVOID IT” 💯☠️

[@jeanlundi2141]

And women. This has nothing to do with sex. Women like to cop out when the subject is "courage", but you have to be brave too, and have ample opportunities throughout a day.

[@madmax5841]

@@jeanlundi2141 It's just femceI content bro, don't take it seriously. Conservative women are a dying breed for a good reason i.e. worthlessness

[@florianpierredumont4775]

When you say "avoid" do you mean being able to stop or empeech conflit, or running from it ?

[@alicentmarveltrra2504]

Kind /strong men are willing to address it, curb it, prevent it, engage in conflict directly. Nice / weak dudes tuck tail and run from it, flatter, betray, sell out, simper their way into worse conflicts, even if they manage to delay it awhile. You could throw trail mix at a bear hoping it won’t eat you, or scare it off. Which is the smarter option?

[@alicentmarveltrra2504]

Conflict delayed is conflict AMPLIFIED. -Peterson

[@AttackDev4000]

I was / am the nice guy and had no idea, absolutely no idea. The amount of resentment that I built up from my previous relationship always bothered me, like I was missing something. I consider myself fairly intelligent (not overly) and an empath (exactly due to trauma, which you pointed out in another video) and I just couldn't figure out the problems that I perceived my partner to have...only to realize that I was trying to solve an impossible puzzle as I was the problem in every single instance that I held resentment for. So thanks for your work, not only did all of the resentment dissolve immediately, I have a lot of apologizing / explaining to do as I can only imagine how much damage my behaviour might have done to my partners self image. And while this is no excuse, I really had absolutely no clue whatsoever prior to watching this. (And obviously there's quite a bit of soul searching and other build-up prior to me seeing this video that allowed me to have this almost instant realization)

[@haileabfeleke6087]

How did things go with your partner after apologising? I'm shocked, I don't know what to do or where to start. 😢

[@m.d594]

Man this resonates for me so much. Just ended things with a “nice guy”. I had so much anxiety around this person and couldn’t figure out why. Thank you Teal ❤

[@T3R3ZI.]

hey, I've been trying to end things with a "nice guy" for a while. I am as we are speaking, but my attachments run too deep. Would you maybe mind exchanging socials so we can talk, maybe give each other helpful advice when it comes to healing from this?

[@tenilledoram]

Oh man me too! My anxious energy around him never made sense to me either til after it was over.

[@tomazbeg1999]

❤

[@m.d594]

@@T3R3ZI. I don't have social media. But I will say that it was not easy and you have to keep reinforcing your boundaries each time. For example. The night I ended things the very next morning at 6am he FaceTimed me and sent me a goodmorning text. It made zero sense to me because we literally ended things the night previously. When I asked him why he was still reaching out he said he thought we had a "cool conversation" that night. Meaning he completely ignored everything I said. And made up his mind that I was still going to be in his life even If I didn't want to. I had to reinforce the boundary again but then I also let him know that he was going to be blocked from that point on. As of now he's left it alone. There's nothing nice about this scenario. To him his constant trying is him letting me know he wants to be "committed" when really it control.

[@annap1171]

Congratulations! You made the right choice. Breaking up with a nice guy is one of the hardest things in my opinion.

[@fichshreds2661]

Being ''disagreeable'' is a natural and healthy personality trait. Psychologists know this. I feel like the public/status quo doesn't.

[@405OKCShiningOn]

this! important point I needed to see, thank you. correct, disagreeable is about being decisive and protective. nice guys just let others get torn down and not say anything and they will help the other person who is putting the other person down with more mental game digs.

[@angenehmerweiblicherfussge7000]

yeah but i know someone who disagrees with every point you make because he wants to come of as smart intelligent. its not fun to talk to him.

[@fichshreds2661]

@@angenehmerweiblicherfussge7000 yeah disagreeableness within reason can be good. there's a time and place for it. that person just sounds like a douche lol.

[@keenanvanzile]

@@405OKCShiningOn that is assumption, generalization. please reread your comment that alone is unhealthy statement to make

[@keenanvanzile]

disagreeable to disagree is insecure or you just disagree to change the subject? Hearing someone's point of view is fabulous, but having to feel you have to disagree to have them hears yours is what? It can work both ways, both people can be heard and it has nothing to do with the latter.

[@sharaswitala6296]

She’s so smart. Better than any therapist I know.

[@rural_girl555]

shes better than my therapist. she gives me more useful information than them

[@rachelwhite438]

Usually a therapist subscribes to one or two theories,and only some are accepted. She essentially makes her own which is great but she claims ideas as her own that are plagiarized. She is smart, she is often right, she is also almost assuredly a cluster B and extremely dangerous to a small minority of people, at least at this point. She could easily go the way of Jim Jones. he started out changing the world too, with blinded followers.

[@Nightswim_]

@@rachelwhite438 the ideas aren’t her own you are correct . She’s probably learned them on their own but a lot of her workings come from attachment theory, developmental trauma &human behaviour in general .

[@tonymintz8537]

I think a good say to say this is niceness is associated with an anxious or avoidant attachment style, whereas kindness is a secure. Niceness is conflict avoidant and results in fawning behavior, whereas kindness looks and acts outward in a way that stabilizes others with empathy and compassion.

[@rheadreid]

very well put

[@basicbase749]

Not necessarily, people with anxious or avoidant attachment style aren’t always the “nice guys” kind of manipulators. But nice guys are toxic

[@kimplumb5863]

I was in a 23 year marriage with a "nice guy". It ended disastrously. This explains SO MUCH of my life with him. Thank you so incredibly much!!! 🙏This brings some resolution, understanding and peace to that huge part of my life.

[@mirjanakljajic3265]

I am glad this helped you. I left marriage of 25 years, it ended awful, I am blaming myself and can't move on because of the guilt

[@SavingSoulsMinistries]

as soon as i started telling the women in my life to shut their mouth and get back in the kitchen... i've been slaying tang left and right!! I spent a decade being a nice guy.. never again!! Shut your mouth woman and get ack in the kitchen! Im the prize. women are literally children who need a man to ground them in this life. great video!! Nice guys finish last!! !!!!!

[@nh251]

Many men are told being nice and being liked is the most important thing in life. We are raised to never start conflict. I used to be a 'nice' guy, my mom raised me to respect women and be nice to them, and for years I was frustrated at why no woman wanted me. I changed long ago, but this video is spot on!

[@midnightwalker937]

This has been a subconscious behavior for me since birth, and now that I'm able to see this I can figure out how to show true peace and kindness in healthier ways. Thank you Teal.

[@QuelsQuest]

I can't thank you enough for this video, which comes at such a synchronistic time. Yesterday, I felt berated by a male employee for not being "nice." Even my manager wants me to be "nice". I'm NOT nice, to some people, at all! I AM KIND. And I try to explain the difference, and I can't find the words, and then I feel frustrated!!! I've been ruminating and ruminating----and came home to THIS! I needed this soo badly. Once again Teal, you're plain magic! THANK YOU!

[@moxopal5681]

You are probably not kind either

[@QuelsQuest]

@@moxopal5681 Hm, and what would make you assume that?

[@DolphinWithIgloo-fg3ow]

@@QuelsQuest When the boss says it, then yea, you aren't kind either. You're bad for business.

[@QuelsQuest]

@@DolphinWithIgloo-fg3ow This employee kept calling me "babe," "honey" "Sweetheart." When I, kindly told him those words are triggers for me and only reserved for certain people, and nicely requested that he use my name, or nicknames that I'm comfortable with, he said he's been using that term all of his life "BABE!" and he's not going to stop now. From there on out, every time he saw me, he called me "BABE!" I, out of anger, exclaimed why it's not appropriate to objectify. So, when "the boss" says for me to be nice ... I'M bad for business? As Teal says: "We don't know what we don't know." Assumptions ...

[@ghostbearr1]

Thank you for pointing out that effectively I am a nice guy, and since I do not want to cause other people pain. I am right to be alone.

[@Stigmaphobia777]

Don't know why this has five thumbs up. Don't really think this is what you should take away from this video. If your niceness comes from a place of actual empathy then you need to consider that sometimes you will need to hurt people to do what's best for them; as the short term pain, though hard to confront, is going to be lesser than the long term pain you cause them by not being upfront with them. This is a lesson it's taken me a long time to learn and even longer to practice. But really, niceness isn't inherently bad. Niceness is just good manners. It's niceness that stems from cowardice and self-interest that is undesirable, and to determine whether or not that it is your root motivations takes a lot of honesty and self-reflection. That being said I sort of struggle with some of what she's saying here. Sometimes I will play the neutral party in a disagreement between friends simply because I think no one is in the right or wrong, and it'd be dumb of me to take sides. There are other cases why my partner was in the wrong, and to defend them would be dishonest; what takes precedence in that situation? Unconditional support for a loved one or being honest with them about their fault in the situation? Either option would likely be better than pretending to both sides that you're on their side. Really, this kind of social cowardice is something I've done a lot in the past and do my best to not continue doing, whilst sometimes still failing. Failure is okay. Just the effort will improve your life and make you feel better about yourself. Try to become the kind of person you could love and one day you will find that others will love you as well. Cheers.

[@ghostbearr1]

@Stigmaphobia777 It is hard to be the kind of person you could love when you do not know that is. I did not have good male role models when growing up. I often joke around by saying, "I did not what to do from my parents, I learned what not to do from my parents." I have for 25 years taken care of my mother, who was bi polar. She could snap if I showed any emotion. I would so emotionally muted to what could be considered the bad side of Stoic. Stoicism is understanding your emotions and not letting them control you. Where I through what be consider child emotionally abuse, to not show or feel emotions, from the age of twelve. I am not blaming my mother for what an untreated mental disorder caused. I also do not blame my father or my step fathers for what their PTSD and their mental disorders caused. I am will be 45 in a week, with no clear idea how to be an adult or partner. I see a video this one and realize that because of abuse that I have received. I was molded into a 'nice' guy. Since I do not want to hurt anyone in the way that I was hurt and that being a 'nice' guy can lead to the same emotional trauma for other people. I really do not know how to proceed.

[@dreamcream3738]

​@@Stigmaphobia777 not everyone is meant to have a relationship. That's a sad reality, but it is reality. The reason Nice Guys are so reviled is because they are trying to cheat the system. If you feel you have to use the Nice Guy strategy to attract a woman, in the vain hope that a woman will walk up to you and absolve you of your masculine responsibility, then you are one of those people who aren't meant for it. It's a natural filtering process, one that needs to be acknowledged and accepted. Because the more that you fight against it, the creepier you are.

[@fitnesswithbill5595]

@ghostbearr1 I feel that quite a bit and have a question for an open discussion. Where does “nice guy” fit in with someone that has high functioning autism? Are they just molded that way with malicious intent as the speaker seems to suggest or are they actually handicapped in a way that just makes them different? And how does one tell the difference? Serious question

[@hollyhuntington2913]

11:00 Teal Swan just dropped the best list ever of all the things we need in a relationship and simply hearing this list empowers me to acknowledge what I want my life and next relationship to feel like.

[@joeprimal2044]

Fantastic. So what thought have you given to a list of what the man needs in the relationship? Understand I’m not trying to be hostile, it’s just I’ve noticed that women are always making lists of what they want from a man and never considering what they bring to the table that the man might want. You will have a much better chance of success if you do. Good luck.

[@fatee6956]

​@@joeprimal2044it's up to the man to make a list too and look for them in a partner 😂

[@Sacred.Journey]

@@Dap740it’s in #8 near 11:00 into video.

[@hollyhuntington2913]

​@@Dap740at 11:00

[@hollyhuntington2913]

​​@@joeprimal2044the list she offers at the 11:00 mark applies to both people in a relationship except maybe the containment part safety and positive ownership. I would exchange that to say men need to feel needed in a relationship.

[@alptuna06]

I am a “nice guy”. I lost so many people because of it but only now i’m truly realizing it, just after parting ways with one of the dearest people in my life because of it. I don’t know if i can even describe the pain. We need to be better, guys. MUCH better. It is our responsibility to the people we love, to ourselves and to the world. Thank you so much, Teal. You’re helping me immensely and i’m truly grateful! 🙏🏻

[@constancewalsh3646]

Appreciate your openness. Takes guts to own, esp when T is in this mood (not my fave).

[@eriadadesigns]

Thanks for sharing your feelings. My husband is a nice guy and I suffer so much, because we raise 4 kids and I am the bad one just because I am trying to do the right things : parenting the right way. Now Kids started to dislike me.

[@bilbojesty]

I am also one of these “nice guys”. At least you recognise it in yourself, but changing it is something else entirely. If you don’t mind me asking how are your relationships as mine are practically non existent. I’ve recently made a vow to commit to some kind of work to get through this so I can tap into my true masculine energy. I’ve had insight into this but lost it quite quickly.

[@alptuna06]

@@constancewalsh3646 I appreciate that, thank you! No, she is right. I think she even put it a bit lightly 😂

[@alptuna06]

@@eriadadesignsThank you, I appreciate that! I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, i can imagine…

[@Cee_Eff]

Great video. Unfortunately society and way too many women eqatw the "good man" with "nice guys"

[@rewtho8113]

i used to feel like a divided person. i fell into the 'nice guy' category and was lonely and also afraid of conflict. the resolution for me was seeing that both my fear of others and the sadness i was experiencing were not actually two different parts of me, my fear was because i needed others to love/approve of me and my sadness was because i felt unloved. seeing that both parts were trying to get the same thing caused my belief in having two different selves to disappear since they were both motivated by the same thing: the desire for love. since then i have found deeper self-acceptance and generally feel more calm and unified in myself. i still feel afraid or sad sometimes, but i don't make my emotions into an enemy or something i need to get rid of anymore, it's more like they are just something that comes and goes. my heart goes out to those feeling like a divided person, it is a very painful way to live, i hope you can find unification

[@pilula65]

I totally identify with this. You explained it very well. Thank you for putting into words.

[@blissfulbaboon]

Thank you for the true understanding you have of this condition.Its so helpful to hear such an emotionally clear understanding in the midst of all this demonizing of the "nice guy".Your comment comes through like a bolt of pure light in a dark place. Thank you❤.

[@yohna33]

Thank you ❤

[@Enoxificatti]

This is what I'm going through too. I feel so divided that it almost feels like I'm nothing. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel so lost.

[@badcaseofstripes]

'Nice' is a way to avoid conflict. At the end of the day, 'nice' doesn't get anything that needs to be done, done. 'Nice' doesn't stand up against injustice, or say what needs to be said. 'Nice' does not communicate openly and truthfully, as being truthful can often lead to being disliked, or drop you right in the middle of a conflict. 'Nice' is selfish. Kind people walk right into conflict that is necessary. They say what needs to be said in a way that is ultimately positive, even if it hurts. Kind will defend you. Kind will be there for you in every way. Kindness takes strength and an open heart, and a mastery of fear. Kindness acts out of love and doesn't expect anything in return. I've personally noticed 'nice' people will act like children having a tantrum at the first sign of interpersonal conflict, or not getting what they want when they want it. I've learned that the avoidance of conflict in and of itself is a huge red flag. Strong, kind people are not afraid of conflict. They will let their opinions and honest thoughts be heard in a balanced way without fear of how others might view them as a result.

[@versiewlw]

well said ❤

[@keithv4452]

I'm not a nice guy, never have been. but I can sure be better at containment, ownership and protection. Your analysis is really on point, you bring clarity to this huge topic! Thank you

[@dianeclayton4936]

OMG! Teal articulated the psychology perfectly. Almost like she was a fly on the wall in my last relationship! I left looking like the bad one. Topically sick while he worked the neighborhood with his nice guy personna. This is serious stuff.

[@89Stick]

I'm in awe of how accurately she described my ex. I looked like such a bad person next to him and I felt massive anxiety, now I know why...

[@sarahmcnicol.lifecoach]

It is serious stuff. Yes, Teal nailed it!

[@blissfulbaboon]

Yes! The sociopathic personality always works their public " nice" persona,and draws the sympathy of neighbors and friends ,while making you look like a horrible person.

[@SavingSoulsMinistries]

as soon as i started telling the women in my life to shut their mouth and get back in the kitchen... i've been slaying tang left and right!! I spent a decade being a nice guy.. never again!! Shut your mouth woman and get ack in the kitchen! Im the prize. women are literally children who need a man to ground them in this life. great video!! Nice guys finish last!!

[@MJLUCEY-sd1mq]

Nice people accept the bad ones among us.

[@MonKpchannel]

Just exiting a relationship with a nice guy and a big weight has been lifted from muy shoulders. Every word you said is like listening to the last two years of my life. Thanks for clarifying what my intuition have told me and didn't listen.

[@sonia.oliveira]

Oh my me too, this video made so much sense!!! also 2 years relationship with a "nice" guy, finally ended it two weeks ago, good riddance!!! good for us! let's celebrate our courage! 🥰

[@SavingSoulsMinistries]

as soon as i started telling the women in my life to shut their mouth and get back in the kitchen... i've been slaying tang left and right!! I spent a decade being a nice guy.. never again!! Shut your mouth woman and get ack in the kitchen! Im the prize. women are literally children who need a man to ground them in this life. great video!! Nice guys finish last!!

[@steelstreet3765]

So" bad Boys "are better?

[@cockcarousel]

Chad & Tyrone waiting 😂😂😂

[@Jana-jy8yv]

Fascinating explanation !!! I have always despised 'nice guys' ---they are ruled by fear & not by honor !

[@AnishJoseph48]

Teal I have to say you nailed me with this video. I definitely fall into the category of a 'nice guy'.

[@t.amber1]

You have 100% described a marriage that I left after 22 years. I have not for a second regretted my decision.

[@LeahBreHappy]

Yessss, she described my ex husbands personality exactly. I was married for 16 years. I do not regret my decision either. ❤❤❤

[@salsperspective9745]

Both of you do regret just looking for conformational bias on the internet

[@merfee9692]

@@salsperspective9745Nope. I did the same and it was the best decision of my life. I didn’t even want him sexually anymore. “Nice” guys are boring as hell.

[@jessluck6583]

Sounds like my ex, which is why he’s my ex.

[@Aqualight.33]

25 years for me. He was a nice guy on the exterior, but displayed many subtle toxic traits. Stonewalling, gaslighting and constant lies. Most people never believed that he could behave that way, because he was "so nice."

[@namasteawake]

Holy crap! THIS!!! 💯 perfectly put. This is my current relationship. I’ve never been able to articulate this, of course Teal nailed it.

[@LeahBreHappy]

❤❤I was married to a "nice" guy also and I left. You can leave too! Get out before it gets worse.

[@namasteawake]

@@LeahBreHappyI’m working on my exit plan ! ❤

[@pierremichel1334]

I consider myself a nice guy, yes I want to avoid conflicts, yes I am a people pleaser, yet on multiple occasions when someone was bullying someone else I was the first to act against the bully. I also saved a child from drowning. Please be less harsh with nice guys, it's not easy being super confident (and it's mostly determined by your parents)

[@timfarnum1163]

I know what you mean about defending people from bullies! I did the exact same thing growing up and I’ve often made friends with unpopular people that others would not. Because I am kind actually . was born this way I consider others equal to myself in value. I think the point she’s trying to make in this video is how bad it can get if people who are born like us don’t learn to step up and be the enforcer which is a role that is difficult for us because we do not see the world as black and white. She seems to be making the point that it’s comes from a place of cowardice. Perhaps you are similar to me in that it is more like a blindspot. I often do not see the need to step in and the wife gets upset for my inactivity. I say well isn’t the world supposed to be the best teacher? Let the kids go out and make some mistakes.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

This is my Dad actually. I wasn't sure what this would mean when I clicked on this but my dad even said to me when I was pleading with him to listen to me "looook, I don't really want to go there". My mother was giving me the silent treatment and all I'd done was try to raise an issue. It was such a harmless comment he thought but in that moment, I understood. The truth doesn't matter. The damage done to me doesn't matter. His Easy Life as my mum's side kick is what matters.

[@sailyx3jupy]

Thiss. Same. 💕

[@brandisweetwater3439]

Recently divorced (8 mos) from a nice guy. The thing that kept me for so long was that he would validate my frustration, tell me I’m 100% right, it’s all his fault, AND THEN NEVER CHANGE. He did ALL these things on a scale of 1-10, he’s a 10. And now that I’m filled with rage, and lashing out at him, he is in victim mentality, acting like I’m emotionally unstable and abusive. He cowers like a little boy. I cried through this whole video, bc it made me feel so validated. I am now dating a masculine man. Immediately, after our first date, I felt like he was the first MAN I have ever encountered, all the others are BOYS in comparison, including my father. I can’t describe how healing and how safe I feel with this masculine man. He is not afraid of conflict, yet humble, he is fiercely protective of me and my children, he takes accountability for himself in all areas, mental, emotional and physical health. His house is clean, his business is successful, and it makes me feel like he can easily contain and protect me, which I have NEVER had in my life.

[@geoattoronto]

Congratulations!

[@nammi895]

Don't get too cocky. You are dating a fuckboy. Maybe your unmet childhood desires bcoz of which u don't like good guys and go for bad boys. And to justify your acts psychologically, you think they are masculine men

[@arthurvp1682]

Sounds like the nicest of guys, your loyal servant

[@wormhole-r3l]

It's been 3 months... are you still together Brandi? I bet not😅

[@ndl-j4f]

omg thanks for thia comment, i feel validated

[@valeriesizelove7813]

I am SO happy to have found this woman because I believe she is genius

[@MixterPhysique]

Never heard anybody explain this so well. Really spot on! Thanks, Teal!

[@Trace7173]

Being perceived as a nice guy most of my life has made me suicidal. This video was so accurate and described me and my behaviors perfectly

[@ryanamendala6524]

Same. I have been doing parts work and completion process (even with a practitioner) to change this. I also went through Teals ancestorial healing and found a strong line of history of "nice guys" Keep going. do not stop working on yourself. 1. Change to "other" focus 2. Accept where you are 3. be grateful, 4. expect roadblocks 5. get to know your true self by sitting with no expectation as to why you do what you do. just observe. Then ask youself if you are doing it for another reason (fear, societal bias etc) or if it's actually your path. Just keep going

[@1bigdogthe]

sorry to hear that about you, but look at yourself in the mirror. Ever rape someone?, ever murder someone?, ever molest someones children?, ever punch a woman in the face cause she pissed you off? if not then you are a nice guy, be proud of that and try to fix the things that you find unattractive in yourself.

[@Paul4Krista20]

Have not even finished this video, but saw your comment and I totally feel you 💯

[@jimknight5957]

This is hard to take, because it hits so close to home. This brings into focus my self-deception and twisted beliefs that lead to my ex wife divorcing me. I can now understand her situation and have compassion and forgiveness towards her because of the situation I put her in. The divorce, was the worst and the best thing that has happened to me because it has shaken me out of this delusion that it was not me, I am a nice guy. Now I am feeling overwhelmed by the changes that need to be made and not willing to continue being the way I was. I will press forward to make the changes. This truth clarified my need and desire to change.

[@1bigdogthe]

you are being way to hard on yourself, which is again being a nice guy in the wrong way. Did you beat your wife??, did you sexually abuse your children??, did you refuse to get and keep a job??, were you a drunk and a drug addict??. If you didn't do any of these things I just asked you if you did, then were a nice guy in the right way. I have seen on TV the guys that did do those horrible things I just asked you if you did, and they sure as hell were not nice guy's. So stop beating yourself up for your mistakes, and pat yourself on the back for the things you did right. learn, improve and do better with your next wife. @@jimknight5957

[@drcash60025]

I am shocked and appalled, but highly grateful for this post! I just yesterday exited a 2 year Nice Guy relationship, and EVERYTHING stated is ABSOLUTELY ACCURATE! I thought I was going crazy! He got caught in a series of lies. His reaction was to steal our 3, sickly, senior cats without my knowledge. He didn't take their medication, beds, stairs, or specialty food. He threw each in the car secretly. Once he left I couldn't find the cats. I saw his actions on the Ring cameras. I am traumatized and sickened. Thank you for this post!!! I feel some sense of relief.

[@popcultureperspectives164]

I so needed this right now. I'm the caregiver of my grandma and she is the "nice guy". I feel like I'm losing my mind in what has us living in two different realities. Her well runs no deeper than a polite etiquette that must be maintained in preference of polite lies devoid of any truth or genuine compacity for intimacy. For her kindness is enabling and to be enabled into a continued "why bother" weakness while perpetually demanding cotton candy compliments offering no nutrition or substance. She is a bottomless pit abyss, and I am falling into it. I am the perpetual "bad guy" while dancing on the egg shells of her fragile self esteem. I'm losing it and I have no support system or backup that'll help add balanced perspective. I needed this. You don't know how much I needed this.

[@Dolphin369]

My goodness, this sounds exactly like my relationship with my mother in law. I can empathise how distressing it is. Couldn’t have put it better. Thankfully I am not her carer but it’s heading that way as she is quite elderly now, and needs help from us more and more regularly. It’s so hard to talk about with anyone. You do feel like you’re going mad. It is so tough for you to have that responsibility for her. I put an energetic shield / bubble around me whenever I visit my MIL That dynamic had been driving me around the bend for years. And only last week I was saying to my therapist that I can’t be around her anymore because my mental health really suffers around her. This video has come at the right time to validate my feelings about it. Her daughter is also very similar, and she is regarded as almost a saint because she is so “nice”. I felt like such an a**hole because I found her absolutely infuriating- quite controlling and selfish. Always saying the right things but not much follow through

[@calvinlandry03]

There is a such thing as caring for the caregiver support systems look up that term and see if there are any near you. Good Luck.

[@kyleeday103]

You’re making me realize I was the “nice guy”. I’ve been slowly working on myself with the lying and exaggerating or sugar coating the truth. I’m putting others needs and feelings first and I’ve lost a lot of people but I feel healthier emotionally. I’m no where near done with this journey but I’m glad I have an outside source to explain this because I always saw it as narcissism but I’ll admit to my faults and wrong doing and I actually try to change the pattern and I actually feel guilt when it’s been pointed out or I notice it in myself. Love you and your channel. You teach me new things all the time.

[@NEOMASS0]

You mean the nice woman?

[@SilValGal]

Dang Teal. Wish I realized this years ago. I was in a marriage with a nice guy for 22 years. I always thought something was wrong with me. Everyone thought my husband was so nice. What a manipulator. I can only see this now. What a waste of years. It was a horrible divorce. He made sure his family knew I was the bad, horrible person and they never talked to me again. This video is absolutely fantastic! Thank you for sharing!

[@dragorn3212]

You probably were the bad horrible person and didn't even realize it. If you think this way about a nice person that reveals how screwed up you are

[@SilValGal]

Hurt people hurt people. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt.

[@DomFortress]

A nice man is an enabler of dangerous dysfunctional family dynamics, not a kind man who's a protector of healthy functional family structure.

[@helenpauline7]

That makes good sense. A lot of nice people seem to lack integrity because they want approval, safety, etc. I used to be a people pleaser but learned that that never helped anything. Eventually, nice guys n gals wi'll have to take the mask off to heal their trauma. Drop the ego defenses and be authentic ❤

[@Enoxificatti]

How did you go about it at first?

[@helenpauline7]

@Enoxificatti a lot of hard work and self reflection but very worth the great work of healing my inner psychology. Godspeed 🙏

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

When a nice guy does something nice for you he’s actually doing it to serve himself, but he’ll disguise it well.

[@mathewstovell5167]

Women like Teal Swan who say: "nice people are just people pleasers who wont make you feel safe when you're in trouble". This is not always correct. Some people like to bring healing energy and just happen to have a kind heart or a gentle soul. I see tension in Teals voice - and maybe an annoyance she has with people. I like to bring healing and pleasent energy. There's nothing wrong with being nice if it brings healing. We should just make sure that we're not diss-respected for it or that it be mistaken for weakness.

[@gregdenys7162]

As everyone else. Pure altruism doesn't exist.

[@teefrankenstein4340]

That’s incorrect. Some people truly do things for others to help them because it’s the right thing to do.

[@gabrieleveckyte5138]

I feel so validated, ended my 5 year relationship to a nice guy half a year ago. Everything she said in this video explain exactly what I went through in that realationship..

[@cockcarousel]

Good luck with Chad & Tyrone and endless journey of "I don't know what I want" and finally, wall hitting and cat collection 😆

[@Kimmyqween]

I love every time teal drops a hardcore truth bomb and then delicately says after, “Have a nice week.” 😂 so funny

[@jennakfae]

That’s so true and 💯 consistent Hahaha she’s great

[@marydillon6593]

She says, “Have a good week”, not a “nice week”.

[@dilemmablue2494]

I never realized how funny this is 😂 she's being like "good luck"

[@Kimmyqween]

@@dilemmablue2494 yes 😂

[@Thierry_Nawar]

@@marydillon6593 Nice weeks kill 😆😆😆

[@kumudinilotus]

Oh my God. This is so absolutely true. I lived in this dynamic for 26 years. All our kids are a mess and I'm always the bad guy. He made me feel like I was going crazy and that I was a horrible person. I have felt so much anger and resentment . He is such a covert manipulator that he has successfully ruined every relationship I have with all my family. He says one thing to me and something totally different behind my back. Now I'm focusing on myself to heal the traumas caused by this dynamic. I'm doing the inner work and have needed a lot of help and self love. He desperately would not let go of me. Ugh😢. And the love bombing is rediculously. I'm going to make it through this because I'm doing the inner work and facing the truth. I'm learning that I am worthy of love and I am loveable. Thank you Teal Swan for your brilliant teachings. ❤❤❤❤

[@Betteremotionscic]

5 years with a nice guy. (This video is 100% spot on it’s scary!) It’s really amazing to hear all of this, that I knew in my heart but was so confused and heartbroken throughout it all and long after I’d left. And wow, the chronic stress & anxiety! 7 years out and still healing my stress & anxiety that became so normal for me. Heart Breathing and somatic exercises are a great help but videos like this, that are deeply informative are so valuable! Thank you Teal xx

[@arianebennion]

6 years for me. 100% only it's his sister not his mom in this case.

[@lifeiswonderfulbao9143]

Could you please give more advice on how to deal with it?

[@kristilee7006]

I went through the same thing! So much confusion on why he was so nice but I felt so depleted. I left the relationship 4 months ago and I’m finally at peace again. We were only together for 1 year; I can’t imagine going through that for years.

[@derwoodhamburger]

Do you like bad guys now?

[@1DarkBlossom]

@@derwoodhamburger Listen, stranger… you’re one of those who don’t WANT to understand. You could’ve taken it as an useful insight instead of being a wimp and taking personally. Why are you here anyway if the video doesn’t suit your perceptions? It’s like criticizing a cake recipe because you were searching for pasta sauce.

[@katzygolf]

You described my husband. Thank you for the warning, although I'm at the end of my life. The thing is all my friends who knew him for 20 years thought he was the epitome of wisdom and grace even though his former wife of 25 years divorced him after the kids were raised.

[@NataliadeLuzCoslado]

This video is so validating, thank you.

[@Megan6772]

Omg this explains so much about my dad that I knew tacitly but could never put words to. Thank you Teal 🙏

[@vanessalandry6259]

I dated a nice guy recently and i have never been so aggressive and angry in any relationship. The way he brought me out of myself was craaaazy.

[@lianmalynn3922]

I'm literally going through this now. I've never been so angry in my life. WFT. :(

[@abfavero]

Yeah it’s HIS fault you’re crazy, lol

[@vanessalandr]

@@abfaverook keyboard warrior ❤ be safe

[@KaSiaMaG144]

Oh my God this is shocking but completely on point. All what is set in this video is 100% accurate. I have just came out of a relationship with a nice guy and it was truly a hell! Nothing NICE in there, but tons of Betrayal, confusions, separations and mental breakdowns. Never ever ever ever ever again will appreciate a nice guy because I know now how damaging this really is. What she said in this video is an absolute true. 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@derwoodhamburger]

You need to be choked?

[@t.tenney3470]

Perfect timing and very accurate. Starting with my Daddy, all the men in my life have been nice guys. I am a very self-protective woman.

[@blue_sky_bright_sun7599]

Seems I too… sigh

[@tachi4002]

Omg, this was my ex-husband, and I couldn't get him to understand the neglect I felt when he only did things in his own best interest. The nail in the coffin was the lack of protection. Once I realized this man would never protect me or our future children, I had no choice but to say goodbye.

[@freshstrt3140]

Good for you, having the strength to do that 🙏🏽💫

[@Draytherion]

Glad to hear you got out of that situation ❤ hope all is well

[@tachi4002]

Struggling financially (chose a bad time, I guess). He hopes this will make me change my mind, but it won't. He can enjoy knowing I'm struggling, but I am the happiest I've been in a long time. It's worth it even if it means having to start from zero. @@Draytherion

[@somethingyayyy]

or you filled in that he wouldnt protect you

[@tachi4002]

he never did. @@somethingyayyy

[@col2719]

Very insightful. Teal points out a lot of downsides to being nice that I was not particularly aware of. Still I think there is a time to be nice, and time not to be nice. Not every hill is worth dyeing on.

[@g_au]

wow, Teal did it again, what are we even doing?! Also, I LOVED this breakdown of niceness, it really helped me understand a toxic pattern I'm involved with a female friend. Word for word. PRICELESS

[@NettaMonique]

This is the truth/clarity I've waited for. So grateful to have finally received. The timing couldn't be more perfect. Teal, you are beyond amazing tysm🖤

[@danielporter8588]

5 minutes in and I can tell this women is very wise. I needed to hear this.

[@fluentinoverthinking]

My father is a nice guy. As a result I’ve learned early on that the world is not a safe place to be 😢 Now I have to go through therapy and cannot sleep without pills at age 24… 100% agree with everything Teal said in this video.

[@NicholasTranscends]

You can sleep…you are free, your father helped shape your now…but you control the emotional shape of your next now.✨😁✨ sleep well loved one. You deserve peace… get off the meds if you can… valerian tea can help with sleep and cbn… from Mary Jane.I am just stating what helps me. This is not medical advice. Put in the effort to free your dna from the generational trauma and divide. I believe in you for what that’s worth to you. Nick ✨🙏✨

[@Paula-ho9id]

I feel you. My father was absent and agressive, and my mother was super "nice", I feel extremely unsafe in the world at age 25. And no one seems to be able to understand the damage my mother has done to me because everyone sees her as such a nice person

[@lauralupu4252]

Same here. My dad and mom both wanted to be seen as good people, but mom was frustrated and agressive and dad was passive and absent, exactly like the example Teal gives in the video. This "nice" behaviour is no joke

[@fluentinoverthinking]

@@NicholasTranscends thank you so much! I’ve tried a lot of herbs but nothing works except for the prescribed by a psychiatrist pills. It’s getting better though the more therapy I’m going trough. We’re all on the journey to heal ourselves and stop generational trauma ❤️

[@fluentinoverthinking]

@@Paula-ho9id I feel really sorry for you. But it gets better the more inner work is being done 🙏🏼

[@opalist]

Wow Teal thank you SO much for this video. You’ve managed to put into words what I’ve felt in my current relationship for so long… Pain caused by him, being alone with it and feeling confused and crazy bc I felt gaslit and scapegoated but could not explain why… And then being asked to provide for him what he fails to provide for me… It’s made me feel more alone and powerless that I’ve felt in a long time bc of how fixed he is in this pattern and how much he refuses to see things clearly and to change. Such a needed video!

[@kutasarri7113]

I literally just experienced this. You nailed every point, on both sides, perfectly. THANK YOU!

[@NathalieRydell]

I always perceived it in such a way that Blake acted in these "nice guy" patterns during your friendship with him and that it created the dynamics you described in this video, Teal.

[@blue_sky_bright_sun7599]

100%

[@TechOutAdam]

I read “No More Mr. Nice Guy” a few years ago and it woke me up to realizing why nobody, especially women, don’t like nice guys. This video was great. There’s a difference between being evil, good and nice. The world doesn’t need nice guys, it needs more good men. Every time I’ve met a nice guy I feel like I can’t trust them. They’re a little too smiley and aren’t clear with their morals or standards. Eventually, I know they’ll screw me over.

[@97warlock]

ya dont know that, You think that.

[@geoattoronto]

My wife complains that I don't smile enough. I am done with my smiling Nice Guy.

[@42976675]

They won’t screw you over. They’ll introduce you to your self responsibility.

[@stoltobot]

Dude, that book is such a realisation bomb! Glad you found it!

[@1bigdogthe]

Yeah, but the sad part is apparently woman do like men who beat them, molest their children, cheat on them, go hunting and fishing and neglect their children, go out with the guy's instead of their wives, spend their time playing video games like children themselves. I know tons of these type of guys and none of them are nice guys.

[@jaken5764]

Absolutely one of most powerful videos I’ve seen after searching for so long about my self . I was always told I was a nice guy but always lost relationships. everything you described is a carbon copy of what I’ve become. I used to give myself credit for being “nice” but in reality now I see how it’s been a detriment in my life.

[@Soulja4ChristWeAreAtWar]

Yup. This is the difference between a Good Man and The Nice Guy. The key of distinction is holding boundaries first to himself and then to others.

[@sadfasdf742]

I would love to hear you talk about nice woman - I really feel called out by many of these points and I truly understand the problems. The more work I do on myself the more often I feel the discrepancy between my reactions and actual feelings

[@cuentosdelasestrellas]

I’m also a “nice girl” in recovery. I would like a video going deeper on this as well.

[@jadore286-sy1jn]

Same. I know it's mostly the things that are already on this list: destructive people behaving destructive. What I'd love an additional take on is how nice girls therefore must represent weak femininity. Absurdly, niceness is widely regarded as one of the most valued feminine traits! Also a take on how, in turn, nice girls leave a negative impact on masculinity, too.

[@11Angel33]

This is absolutely applies to both genders all the same imo, but I believe Teal’s main point in THIS video is that it is SO much more harmful when men adopt this mentality - and that they are being encouraged and enabled to do so.

[@pilula65]

Same here.

[@m270891]

Same here, too. It would be great to hear some of the words of wisdom on how to not revert to self hate when you recognize this in yourself.

[@overnightodyssey]

I recognize that I am a nice guy. I don’t often think about others. I’m actually pretty selfish. And I do avoid conflict. I wanna be liked and agreeable. But that doesn’t mean I wanna be that way. I know I’m not a protector. I’m grateful for your insight. Thank you Teal. 😢

[@pameti.dragoblago]

we are all different. the idea, i guess, is to learn and grow, and try to make a better version of ourselves (not in comparison to others, not for others but for ourselves). i think of myself as kind (definitely not 'nice'), and still i struggle, every single day. it is not easy being kind, and there is often a cost attached to it (you know, when you step into a conflict). i'm female btw. i think both men and female have this 'nice' problem.

[@username604error5]

As a recovering Nice Guy this is right on point !!! It had taken many years for me to un-F my patterns that fed this

[@ananeeva4109]

I was listening and my heart was falling. That is exactly my ex`s description. Everybody loves him, people pleaser to the core. At the same time, he made me feel crazy, clingy, and unreasonable when I was sad after him canceling one date after another. One day he is tired, another busy, then a friend is coming to town. And every time I saw big eyes filled with judgment: "why are you reacting so strangely? Only crazy people react like that, what is wrong with you?". And having all people around him loving him fiercely I started doubting myself. I broke up with him eventually after several months. But the thing that kills me the most is that he is actually MAKING other people like him and love him and he never admits he does it. He manipulates and gets what he wants, he keeps people like puppies - stroking with love and attention when he needs smth and kicking into the belly when he is in another mood. Surprisingly, people TAKE this happily saying he is such a nice guy, might be tired or something, let`s not be harsh on him. I am looking at this with true terror.

[@josemartinez261]

I'm 73 years old from the time I was 25 I was telling people I am not a nice guy. They always inform me then what are you? My answer is, I'm trying to be an honorable person and everything I do. Thank you very much for your talk on. Nice guys, most people would not understand that.

[@knova7396]

You literally just spent half an hour describing my life for the last few months. Specifics even. Thank you!

[@Earth_Angel_]

You just answered my questions!! For years I couldn’t figure out why this super nice, gorgeous guy seemed so cold at times. Couldn’t hurt a fly.. thank you for showing me the light

[@williamanderson8932]

😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂.

[@gaynorbarnes]

Omg! You’ve just described my ex husband exactly! .. now I can stop beating myself up for ending the relationship with such a ‘nice guy’

[@simpleyouth]

This is so eye opening. I love how she give explanations of why nice guys aren't always desirable. Nothing is wrong with being nice, but as my elders have always told me, too much of one thing is never good. But what I believe, is that when your are too nice people take advantage of you, you build up negative emotions and then suddenly, without warning, you lash out at people.(eg. being passive aggressive, etc.).

[@ОнуфрийНечепуренко]

Women equally perceive kindness and niceness as weakness. 🤷‍♂Neither one nor the other is a serious virtue in their eyes.

[@m.t-thoughts8919]

You didn't got the message. Kind guys are best

[@ОнуфрийНечепуренко]

@@m.t-thoughts8919 that is why assholes finish first. 🤡Don't let yourself be deceived by sweet fairy tales.

[@sandeshrangari694]

So if someone threatens me and I lash out on them I'm a nice guy 😂😂😂

[@DanyloZorin]

@@ОнуфрийНечепуренкоbecause that’s what it is. Niceness is a demonstration of insecurity and discomfort with your own self. Nice people dislike who they truly are and have a fear of rejection

[@chelseathomas9890]

Omg spot on. Was married to a nice guy and I literally thought I was losing my mind until I got away and could breathe again.

[@margochambers818]

Teal is spot on once again. I had anxiety when I was with a nice guy. Now Im with a strong, masciline, kind man, and I feel so much better.

[@drewe9514]

Amen brother

[@skywalker847]

Sometimes a person becomes a nice guy due to childhood trauma and ptsd. If he grows up poor he doesn't have access to therapy or other support systems and becomes stuck for many yrs.

[@Joy-mh9xq]

Thank you for this video, Teal. You perfectly described my one and only ex-husband. On our wedding night in 1982, I laid on the hotel bed and sobbed my heart out. My soul clearly knew the mistake I had made. I ended the marriage after 14 years, childless. He died suddenly and alone last December and I found myself unable to grieve or with any desire to travel to attend his crowded public memorial service. It was as if I had been married to an "Organic Portal" or NPC-- like there was no one behind the ever-smiling mask he wore. The hardest thing to hear was that nice guys choose unlikable people to partner with. As a survivor of daily and constant violent abuse and neglect since birth, I suppose that leads to personality defects. It is painful to accept that I was unlikable, which must have been what he liked most about me. You are a brilliant catalyst for healing, Teal, and I appreciate your messages so much. This one might take a while to process. 🙏🏼🕉❤

[@roy-helgesamny2550]

You are as valuable as every one else on this planet, and the damage or hurt you have might show up in ways that push people away, but that doesn't make you less important. There is a book called "Attached" that might help you on your way. It was eye opening for me atleast.

[@RaptorFromWeegee]

Takes two to tango. You still need to work on yourself, otherwise, in 5 years, there'll be some guy making a youtube comment about how you were toxic to him.

[@Supplementarian]

@@RaptorFromWeegee Who do you think you are talking to?

[@Supplementarian]

@@The1995Stoic 😹

[@geoattoronto]

As I nice guy I married a woman who was openly angry when needed and often attacked people. I had so suppressed my angry side that the represented what I wanted and needed more of in my personality.

[@biljam972]

I just realized I dated a nice guy for more than 12 years! This video is 100% spot on! I always wondered why I am so miserable when he is so nice, and am I the bad person in that relationship (which he often told me that I am). I was so obsessed that I am bad person, controlling, problematic, too demanding, that I saw none of the signs, all the times he left me alone when I really needed someone or needed help, all the times he ditched me for someone else, all the times he manipulated me into thinking that I am really high maintenance and want too much from him because I wanted a completely normal relationship and to see him more that several hours once a week and to be able to count on him and for him to at least WANT to have normal relationship with me one day... He was so obsessed with his pleasing all the other people and himself that I was often last on the list, and he even said he couldn't promise me a future together because "how can anyone promise anything, it's not realistic". Not even a glimmer of hope or a will to be with me one day, and he always always played the victim. People thought I was a real shrew, a beast of a woman who tortured the poor soul while he did basically whatever he wanted, lived his life like a single guy, and I was alone and miserable and felt like I was the problem. I am single now, and probably will stay single forever. I don't care. I am done.

[@janiegreville1777]

I can hardly believe this - it’s the most accurate describing I’ve ever heard !!

[@moorieman]

As one of those "nice" guys this video has really helped me realize that I need to put in the effort to change myself. Thank you, Teal Swan

[@JohnSmith-pt5sg]

Please keep these videos coming, I love the deep laughter they bring!

[@rebeccaridolfo6538]

Wow, Teal, that was so good. You articulated so brilliantly something that I've observed -- 2 nice guy boyfriends who were a nightmare and when the 3rd one turned up, I dumped him after the 2nd date because I recognised the signs. Phew! Hopefully, this will get as much awareness as narcissism, so society at large can start valuing kindness instead.

[@baethamora]

It IS narcissism. She took out all the psycho babble so that millions more would wise up. :))

[@SavingSoulsMinistries]

as soon as i started telling the women in my life to shut their mouth and get back in the kitchen... i've been slaying tang left and right!! I spent a decade being a nice guy.. never again!! Shut your mouth woman and get ack in the kitchen! Im the prize. women are literally children who need a man to ground them in this life. great video!! Nice guys finish last!! Praise GOD

[@cockcarousel]

Quality women talking I'm sure 🙊😁

[@la_baby_khalil7703]

@@baethamora👍😉

[@andrewsmith3257]

​@@baethamoraexactly

[@dawnd8687]

This is ana amazing description of the nice guy archetype. Puts so much to words and shows the problem in its entirety, more than I could ever see myself. Reinforces my decision. Thank you!

[@pameti.dragoblago]

so f-ing true, only this is equally true for everyone - men and women. i live in australia and they are obsessed with politeness. some of them have no problem stabbing you in your back however - as long as they do it politely. can't stand it. i need to add that there are some of the most beautiful people on earth here as well, and i feel truly blessed, grateful and privileged that i have met them.

[@dennisdean9379]

Great job pointing out the differences. I guess I never stopped to analyze this or consider how damaging a 'nice guy' is. It was also encouraging to realize (a bit like a mirror) that my empathy and compassion for others is not just a 'nice' thing, but a genuine act of kindness. Thanks!

[@hippie-io7225]

Of course we can change! I'm in my mid-70's. Going from nice, to kind, is a lot of work, but now I wouldn't have it any other way. One 'how' is to find out what is true for you and live that truth with integrity. People who shouldn't be in your life will leave you. Good riddance! The upside; really desirable healthy people will begin to gravitate toward you..... the better you get the better it gets!!

[@carriehobbes2448]

So great to hear. Kudos to you. Thank you for doing something my incredibly weak and nice father never could do - and I live with the lifelong severe consequences of his neglect and selfishness. (Even today abandonment wounds trigger me to suicidality, Teal is not exaggerating about the consequences!) I wish you well. Keep going. Every man who faces and overcomes this helps our entire species !

[@hippie-io7225]

@@carriehobbes2448 Thank you. Those early wounds can indeed be very painful. We can heal them, even at later stages of life. I have experienced suicidality as well. One discovery was that it was the lies I told to myself (about myself) that needed to die. Not the carcass, nor my new life experience. You are worth it!! Best to you as well. I love Teal's invitation to stay in the process of healing.

[@DevineAmara]

Being a nice person gets you used & abused... being a good person keeps you protected & moving forward in life. The nice guy persona is all about decepition: "look at me do all these nice things, so you don't notice all the bad I do"

[@peterhewitson2669]

Wow Teal. That was one of the hardest hitting vlogs I have ever watched. I am going through a difficult period of reflection and self work after losing a great woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I have come to realise that low self esteem, has led me up the 'nice guy' path all my life... wanting to be liked and lots of what you articulated in your vlog resonated with me. Although it was really hard to watch, it has added to my light bulb moment in the journey I am now on. 🙏

[@calvinlandry03]

You are not alone bro. Good luck on your journey.

[@mtspiral35]

THIS IS CRAZY ACCURATE, THANK YOU TEAL! Clears up a lot of my confusion and validates my decision to leave the nice guy.

[@Percival-kl9yy]

*Not crazy accurate - just crazy - Teal claims that "nice guys can't protect their partner" good to know that Teal is a bonafide disinformation agent - she is dismantling the Human race, one moronic and falsehood-laced video at a time.* 👍

[@mtspiral35]

@@Percival-kl9yy sounds like you haven't experienced the receiving end of the nice guy dynamic

[@Percival-kl9yy]

@@mtspiral35 *"Nice guy dynamic"? Is there a Hero Dynamic too? Nice is just codeword for NURTURING which is a good thing.*

[@mtspiral35]

@@Percival-kl9yy Oh there's for sure a hero dynamic that is tricky. But if you watch the video, Teal explains the difference between her use of the words "nice" versus "kind". The nurturing quality would fall under "kind" in this context, whereas she uses "nice" in this video to refer to someone who adopts a false people-pleasing demeanor that actually hides a self-serving core. A core that the nice person refuses to see. I understand the confusion, and she definitely used the title to trigger a need for explanation.

[@Percival-kl9yy]

@@mtspiral35 *If that were the case then she would urge women to marry kind men - she does not - her (lack of)logic is that there are Nice "evil" guys and assholes and that women should be with assholes instead - but her videos don't discuss reality or anything close to it - Teal doesn't mention how a woman dating an asshole will lead to the asshole beating her to death or strangling her to death - Teal wants women to think that Nice Men are secretly evil because she says so (she offers NO PROOF or statistical data for her claims) and adds pressure onto a small fledgling segment of the male population that is already struggling for survival and would want nothing more than to love and be loved - I've looked through Teal's videos and it's one sermon of gibberish after another - she is basically a disinformation agent and gaslighter and her videos are dangerous for impressionable women and will make life even rougher (but only for the men that are good.)*

[@supremereader7614]

That was a beautiful video,thank you. My own father had to protect - physically protect his family at times - perhaps not all parties agreed that he was acting 'nice' but he was acting kind.

[@reuben6994]

Situational, all depending on what is happening.

[@PAU31090]

Thank you so much for putting such clear words to this. My dad was the example you just described and I can confirm this behaviour to be incredibly dysfunctional I hope more men get this

[@Megan6772]

Same with my dad

[@sophiadiannalydeking-olsen681]

And mine

[@RichHandsome]

So you want more Andrew tates? Ok got it 👌🏾

[@Monas99]

Wow- I'm blown away by your wisdom, Teal. In just 30 minutes you're able to summarize concepts, behaviors and dynamics in relationships that many therapists CANNOT in 10 years or more of therapy. I'm beyond grateful that I found your work, please continue to enlighten us with your knowledge which we so desperately need in these times. Sending you lots of love and blessings. ❤❤🙏