How Not to Be Defensive in Relationships

[@jezebel324]

"People don't change when they are told what's wrong with them...they change when they feel sufficiently supported to undertake the change they already know is due."

[@agentcovfefe6983]

I agree 💯

[@madladiesscientists6894]

If most people showed support, not help, just actual showing of support, and not bad mouthing people and making them feel worse about their issues, (like saying they could never fix them), than we'd have a much less jaded world than we already do.

[@-nina-9281]

Yeah but this isn't unfortunately entirely right.. sometimes the ppl are not willing to change something. If they are saying that they really want to change and you are convinced, you invest very much energy to support them to realize that they'll never change.. The fact that you wanted to help them because it is beneficial for them and the ppl aroun them ist extremely confusing and frustrating.

[@shumeister1059]

@@-nina-9281 I watch people's actions, that tells me a lot. Their words just confirms their honesty and self awareness.

[@joedaugherty114]

Wow I felt that!

[@siryoucantdothat9743]

You know what hurts the most ... when u admit that the problem exist and our loved one use it against us

[@audfosutv2500]

It's horrible, such a betrayal...

[@valeriab-6126]

Well...he is a jerk. Leave him/her.

[@OVXX666]

yeah, these videos never tell us what to do when someone else is obviously the problem lmaoo

[@SumHo]

Dang, Feels

[@nikkikay4188]

Just realized I was in some way exploiting the weakness of a girl I was with untill recently. Damn, sir...

[@AnnafromHungarylvNW]

That's why healthy relationships are only between people who know themselves and want to evolve.

[@fionnaadeline7525]

TESTIFY! 🙌🏻🙌🏻 aint that the truth

[@LilySaintSin]

Yesssss!

[@ak-47intelligence75]

Exactly.

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

Hmmm...I don't know that they necessarily know themselves. Probably more likely they don't need to pretend to know themselves, or generally know things. They're probably genuinely more interested in learning than needing to convince themselves that they know....

[@christinanelson2044]

True. Be patient, give your loved one the benefit of the doubt. Possibly showing them a side that they may not even know you have. It may work, or it may have you look weak, and possibly cause more acts of betrayal, and deceit.

[@realSimoneCherie]

Damn. “There’s no prize in winning other than self-satisfied loneliness” 😩

[@bobbiedrinks6012]

IT HIT

[@hangukhiphop]

satisfaction guaranteed 😎

[@HajiStaxGaming]

@@bobbiedrinks6012 it hit hard. Right at the beginning, too 😳

[@thisisntallowed9560]

If I'm having an argument with someone and I tell them very calmly something like "what you did hurt my feelings", and they react defensively, that relationship is OVER

[@MetalCooking666]

There is a prize. Progress. If you’re a grown up, you accept the criticism, apologise and don’t do it again. Result: peace, happiness, appreciation.

[@ameliafrancks2198]

Im not defensive ur defensive

[@sebastianelytron8450]

😂👌

[@robosapienv2]

no u

[@yuliaeberg8932]

@@robosapienv2 no you!

[@iLLumiRarity]

Ur mom gheeyyy!!!

[@valeriab-6126]

😂 yes he is saying bullshit!

[@ChessMasteryOfficial]

*We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.*

[@ThisisLevani]

100%

[@tracik1277]

DiscoverYour Awesomeness what are you implying!? Lol x

[@jennyxing]

love me some Anais Nin!

[@PasscodeAdvance]

*Oh shit* Press F to pay your respect

[@rekless1875]

Brilliant quote love it

[@tyronemaxwell787]

I am learning to remove my ego and be comfortable with uncomfortable conversations and it removes massive tension and I love it. ❤️❤️❤️

[@sulfa5506]

Amazing!

[@tyronemaxwell787]

Sul Fa thank you.

[@katcy1]

Amen.. It's the ego that gets in the way.

[@Just-Nikki]

That’s wonderful, I wish you success and happiness. Namaste 🙏🏻

[@Brubarov]

You cannot remove your ego, it is part of our humanity. However we can learn how to make peace with it and make it our friend.

[@HengHuiMei]

sometimes in a healthy relationship, it helps if we understand that our partner is coming from a good place and wanting the best for us!

[@sementhrower420]

But isn't the issue that many of us realize this, yet still pursue the defensive behavior? That's the case for me at least. I know the other person wishes all the best, but it's my ego that completely ignores the fact and treats this as an act of war. And while this is happening, I'm witnessing all of these processes happening in my brain, realizing what's happening, but having an extremely difficult time actually influencing the rotten behavior about to happen. Then I get even more frustrated and mad at myself and the relationship suffers even more as a result. It's a shitty feedback loop that's hard to get out of. Sorry, might've gone off on a tangent.

[@HengHuiMei]

@@sementhrower420 Please don't apologise! I love how you're expressing your opinion and I totally understand what you mean! One way would be to cool down first and express/communicate to your partner that you need a little time to yourself to come to terms with your emotions! In that way, you become more logical in your approach to the problem, and are in more control with your actions! Hope that helps and wishing you all the very best.

[@lukemomodujr]

@@sementhrower420 no not at all. You've basically described me in a nutshell when it come to being defensive! Thank you for bringing that to light because I couldn't figure out why I'd do the same thing.

[@fitnessmmaplaylists3548]

Most of the time the "wanting the best for us" is wanting the best for them. Trying to change who we are based on other person perspective is not correct in my opinion. What is right for you maybe is not right for me so trying to modulate your partner is just something people do to like him/her a little bit more not for his/her best

[@HengHuiMei]

@@fitnessmmaplaylists3548 hmmm that's another way to look at things!

[@mattk3645]

It's not what you say. It's how you say it.

[@mohsinansari554]

Indeed I guees this crucial point should also be included while making this video

[@thisisntallowed9560]

Maybe instead of telling your partner ''YOU DO NOT DO .... ENOUGH!'' we could tell ''I feel like this because of this'' and allow ourselves to feel vulnerable

[@mattk3645]

@@thisisntallowed9560 That's a good idea.

[@louisgreen3915]

Sure, when Hitler said burn Jews, he said it in such a nice way that everyone just said "hey why not". The way he said it was just oozing with gentleness and patience. I feel that content is equally as important. Yes we are all floored but turning away from what is true is not a solution for anything.

[@mattk3645]

@@louisgreen3915 But people DID do it . He convinced several entire counties that it was a good idea. Part of it had to do with the conviction and passion in his speeches. I agree that content is equally as important , but you have to understand that your words can be 100% true and you can have perfectly good intentions for a person but if come across as ungrateful condescending or mean people are going feel insulted or attacked and they aren't going to listen to you. Let's say you have a grandmother who isn't good at cooking. You could say "Grandma this food is bad. Learn how to cook." But that would probably hurt her feelings and she wouldn't invite you over anymore. Alternatively, if you were to say something along the lines of, " Grandma thank you for making dinner it was good but could you perhaps cook it a little longer next time?" she may very well listen to you, because before you told her a minor truth (that the food was under cooked ) you made known a far more important truth ; that you appreciate her efforts.

[@btul2569]

I am not in a romantic relationship but I can relate this to my relationship with my sister, and it exactly work the way you describe it "people don't change when they're told what's wrong with them, they change when they feel sufficiently supported to undertake the change they almost always already know is due"

[@jaymindmusic7397]

SWEET HOME ALABAMA 😉

[@mariehaverty5809]

The only person we can change is ourselves in our own time!!

[@MetalCooking666]

When I screw up, I manage to hold my hands up and apologise. I don’t need anyone to mollycoddle me like this

[@icynnd]

@@MetalCooking666 honestly. I'm very confused as to why the partner bringing things into focus must make the other person comfortable to change... How? When everything I say, no matter if I say it in a non- threatening way, is always perceived as an attack from my partner. So I'm supposed to set my feelings and needs to the side to make room for someone who can't admit/accept their faults!? The only thing that makes sense to me is to walk away.

[@brettself]

My wife's good advice down through the years found a hardened barrier in me because I unwittingly had granted "parental status" to her in our relationship. She, of course, did not want this status in the first place. This "parental status" I assigned to her granted me the childish position I needed to ignore all of her very good advises. A non-competitive lover, she just wanted a 'partner in crime', not an adult teenager. It isn't always easy to see where you have gone wrong in your own life, what you have failed to reconcile (in my case, my relationship with my father). The best question you can ask yourself whenever you are in a fight with your significant other is this: "What if I'm wrong?" Once you're willing to share the entire story, the complete truth, with a professional. Get a therapist. Work it out. Life is far too short to waste on your own history.

[@texasdesignbuild]

Bret Self Thanks for being brave and thank you for sharing your story. Wish you the best on your journey.

[@allenclark4235]

Beautiful. I know exactly what you mean by granting parental status. In my current relationship I'm very passive aggressive and the end result is always my gf yelling at me and me pretending to be confused by her anger... 😔

[@brettself]

@@texasdesignbuild Thanks for your kind note. It is a journey from within and without. We are very lucky to have each other.

[@free22]

Wow. I have never heard of someone admitting to this. And I’ve seen a lot of people do this. Sometimes over and over. To friends. Lovers. You are brave.

[@NM-hr3lc]

Bret thank you for sharing. I'm afraid that my partner isn't as self aware as you. I do not want to be the Parent of this relationship but I end up with the burden to take the higher road. Often I find myself asking my partner, if I'm too caught up in my own mood please be kind and tell me... don't add or go along with it, and I will do the same. I really don't want to be the Parent but have a partner like you've stated.

[@carriestephens7335]

No one has ever hated themselves into self improvement

[@entoke261]

Is that not how it commonly goes :o

[@FrogEnjoyer17]

Why tf was my comment deleted?

[@jtyler203]

It can be a good motivator for kicking things off, but it's not sustainable.

[@kellybean423]

I disagree. Where are your facts to prove that noone will hate themselves enough to make a change ?

[@SR77736]

I have. But now I dont care.

[@rea8585]

So true! It is soooo hard for me to take criticism, especially because I grew up in a home where you just have to prove you are right and others aren't, usually this meant a fight of our egos. My partner is the one who helped me realize how pointless that is and that it is not about being right but feeling good. I still struggle sometimes, but I am getting better... A sentence that always helps me is: would you rather be right or happy?

[@eduardotapiasaez]

i need to learn that... thnks for let us know your insight.

[@paloma4444]

I hate that these videos are aimed at romance (and monogamy more specifically) because this applies to any sort of relationship.

[@eline5263]

From what I can read, in my opinion, you're doing great! You may be so proud of yourself already for being open to what your partner told you. And for working on it. It's hard, so sometimes it won't go as well as other times. In my opinion that's alright! Because if it were ever easy.. Well then you might've gotten there yourself. Yet this is hard to change and the support your partner gave you was needed (as it is for everyone). So it's a complex struggle, which sometimes doesn't go as expected. Yet perhaps most of the time already so much better than would you just have dropped your partner's careful advice. You're doing great!

[@toomuchinformation]

The School of Life have plenty of videos (and latterly essays), which aren't about monogamous, romantic relationships. Have you checked their back catalogue? They had one on friendship last week.

[@oscarmoreno2585]

@@paloma4444 YEAHHHHH EXACTLY. IAM DEALING WITH THIS WITH MY BEST FRIEND

[@ATrueLoveOfficial]

I tend to become defensive not because of the criticism itself but of how someone delivers it.

[@graysthenewblonde177]

A True Love Official same!

[@mariahwashington190]

Yessss! Then afterwards we're the ones who is being "too sensitive".

[@SR77736]

@@mariahwashington190 right? I hate that when they are the ones who are poor at communicating.

[@hangukhiphop]

Careful, because that makes you vulnerable to manipulation. People normally have a lot to gain from schmoozing others and inflating their egos, whereas criticism is rarely profitable in interpersonal relationships and often more costly than it is worth. Therefore, anybody who bothers to criticize you is likely to be sincere and have valuable feedback that others may be reluctant to bring up to you for fear of getting on your bad side.

[@agentcovfefe6983]

Agree! I am well aware of my flaws. If my partner is being negatively impacted by a behaviour of mine, as long as it is addressed with compassion and love, I am personally unlikely to get defensive.

[@juliabaratta1854]

How do you guys always know what I’m going through

[@Democracy_Addict]

It's a relief to know you aren't alone in your struggles. The human condition.

[@siddmartha]

Was just going to comment this!

[@jasmineamaro2699]

Seriously. Every video from them on my recommendation is them catering to my situation

[@Pedram_Aphotic]

humanity is so tangled with fears & flaws these days that every vid on this channel feels familiar.

[@juliabaratta1854]

Mike Lesesne you got me there

[@ishita_cu]

In my 10 years of relationship, Not sharing expectations and keeping a grudge over small things almost led to breakup. My husband suggested a simple couple questions game. I think it was "lovify" we used to play together. In this game you have to guess what your partner likes. Helped us learn a lot about each other. 💞

[@minervaloves]

Now we need how not to be offensive in a relationship.

[@thewiseturtle]

That's what this actually was. They were trying to get people not to be offensive to their partners here. The defense in this situation is the one being critiqued negatively, not the one doing the critique.

[@kktori]

thewiseturtle yea they should change the title to “offensive”

[@reemaalhamdan1]

I found their other video very helpful. I've heard a lot ab/the first 2 reasons he cited, but he also elaborated on how to resolve them. An absolutely great video!

[@reemaalhamdan1]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/h6XXqpRre8xqsK8

[@micsunday14]

This was that. This had nothing to do with not being defensive . This video should be titled. How not to make your partner defensive

[@HallieEva]

The worst is when you're actually being like really genuine and sympathetic and just trying to help your partner and they don't want to help themselves.

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

Or maybe it's you

[@healingwisdom6727]

How long can one wait for their partner to realize they want to help themselves..

[@rdg760jr2]

@@healingwisdom6727 i know right

[@divinecain1773]

were doing our best pls, my boyfriend just broke up with be because he believed that im not getting better.

[@Skweepa]

You can only help someone feel comfortable to admit they are in the wrong if they already had the ability to do it before you were bonded so closely emotionally. Some family cultures and psychological conditions make it so some people will NEVER accept responsibility for their errors.

[@darkhobo]

I remember one day out of nowhere my wife started becoming passive aggressive and picking fights. At some point I realized it was the anniversary of her aunts death. When I tried to tell her I thought the reason she was upset was because of what day it was. I'll never forget her response. I feel it highlights what happens to our mentality when we are emotionally vulnerable. She said "I can't believe you would use that against me" That's when I realized she was mad at me because she needed me and I wasn't being there for her.

[@jeffreyphillips4182]

Consider how hard it is to change ourselves, then realize what little chance we have of changing someone else by criticizing

[@fe4000]

Truth is like a sword: if it's too sharp and drawn too brutally, it hurts. That was last night's dinner topic. Timing: 110%.

[@MakenzieMuhammad]

thank you for sharing

[@mysticbluelight5872]

Felipe Bezerra And some wounds take longer to heal than others

[@AnaSabinaUban]

I'm confused. When does a sword not hurt then?

[@georgiana1754]

It's also worth considering that people often act in counterproductive ways because they find the better alternative behavior too hard to implement. Essentially, doing the right thing doesn't bring them enough pleasure to account for the effort. Having someone they love supporting them and cheering to their progress might just be the extra reward they need to change.

[@leeannturley8737]

Listening without a judgmental ear usually does the trick. Be proud of your partner for being strong enough to have different views. Love doesn't want us to marry or commit to a mirror of ourselves. The better Union is one of teammates where both people balance each other. I want someone strong where I am weak and vice versa. We get together to make each other stronger.

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Lee Ann Turley,your lovely smile can make the news!

[@unsungoath]

Sometimes I fear that my partner doesn't love me for who I am, but for who I have the potential to be. When we talk about our relationship and I ask what can I do to be a better partner he says, "just focus on becoming the best person you can be." Seems like his story is that all of our problems are based on the fact that I'm still growing while ignoring his own faults.

[@robincrowflies]

This is a great point, and an important distinction. Someone who loves your potential is loving a ghost, not you.

[@taedofficial6214]

I think If you ask how “you” can do something and not how “we” can do something then you should expect a reply related to you only and not both of you together

[@unsungoath]

@@taedofficial6214 Fair point. I’ve always given myself the blame while giving others the benefit of the doubt and I think that highlights how important perspective is. Two years on I now realize that I was too passive and probably projecting. We split up but remain good friends.

[@girl-gx2ls]

The older I get, the more I understand how important it is to accept constructive criticism. It could be link between good and great

[@Christodophilus]

Don't expect this to work on someone, whose familiar love influences from childhood, was neglect. The more you reassure they're understood, the more they will do something unreasonable, for you to notice them. Because they don't know how to accept, the understanding and love you offer. They're looking for what they're most familiar with - neglect and retaliation. If they don't have that, they will re-create it. No matter how much understanding you offer.

[@micsunday14]

There is truth in this

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

A question I often ask, "Will this help me achieve my goal in relationship?" That goal? To maintain or increase intimacy. Don't think we should treat each other as projects... more that we help each other heal and grow.

[@dielaughing73]

Thanks for this.

[@tokoyapatterson3111]

I love this i will implement these questions in my life

[@Mrchill498]

This video is amazing. I have been having trouble with my partner because I debate her like she is an opponent and get too frustrated. I need to treat her with love,care, and understanding. Even when I don't agree with her.

[@kikismith3226]

What triggers the debate with her?

[@empress9857]

Me too 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@TheoWentHome]

:& same

[@maddreax]

People only change when they want to. Even if you give your everything, your full support, they won't change if they don't want to

[@dielaughing73]

We change when it's less painful than remaining the same. In other words, not until we are ready.

[@ItsEllmoh]

I’ve watched this like 7 times now trying to understand it all fully

[@TheoWentHome]

SAME ON MY 9TH PLAY

[@milescarney9952]

The ego is a hell of a drug

[@rumayayad4361]

Watched it with my 7 year old son. He gets upset if a feedback is not positive. We have agreed to help each other become better versions of ourselves.

[@TheoWentHome]

how’s it going?

[@SteveBivans]

Could you guys create a follow up video on this where you give a few practical examples of HOW we talk about flaws without triggering our defense mechanisms? Thanks!

[@msprecious3498]

I have found that as a righteous couple , we are both stubborn passionate leaders, hitting heads is exhausting so I took a step back and agreed with him, often responded by saying “ good point , yes true”...., he does this now with me - finally peace ✌🏼

[@msprecious3498]

@Rosemary Terra right ? Doctors say would you rather be right or happy , I must be happy at least 3/4 of the time so I’m working on it ..., now if I can get him to stop interrupting me , that would be great ! Hahaha

[@msprecious3498]

@Rosemary Terra well sometimes I still must be right , lol.., happy holidays ☃️🎄🥳

[@octo571]

The goal is the evolution of ourselves and our partner. This is so so good, I cannot even.

[@shumeister1059]

If there's that much criticism to offer AND it feels futile to mention things, then maybe it's time to leave? And the issues probably has to do with someone in a relationship that just isn't evolving at a similar rate? Everyone's free to choose: to evolve at whatever rate, to choose to stick around or not. Relationship should be not only tolerable, but also worthwhile.

[@AngSu]

I love how the video is presented how some of the comments here are really worth reading. Thank you

[@charinya.e]

I find that in an argument, I get defensive in the way that I need to justify everything I've done. For example, my partner said that I wasn't supporting him much one day, and I apologised and said that I couldn't go on my phone as I had work. I had to justify why I couldn't do it, bc I don't want my partner to think I don't care. Which is actually wrong as I should've simply apologised and started to support him with whatever he was going through after.

[@alexisthemexican]

I understand your line of thinking, I was there not too long ago. I believe your partner should be able to understand that you were busy. We all need to understand that people are not going to be available to us when we need them. We can wait for their support, unless its obviously life threatening. If they cant wait for us to give them our full attention to help them trough a tough time, its selfish, abusive and controlling. And they will make you feel bad for not dropping everything and "coming to their rescue".

[@Brubarov]

And this also applies to the relationship you have with yourself!

[@dionnecelinpaul]

I'm not what you think I am. YOU are what you think I am.

[@baryonyx9642]

No you

[@toomuchinformation]

We don't see things the way they are. We see things the way WE are.

[@homeschoolingwithcoseybrot1130]

Scary your partner will never know who you are.... whats the point of closeness.

[@kathykaura7219]

On a wonderful way this hits home. Coming from America, and having gotten married to a Turk, I was floored by the "lack of accusations and blaming" that I was so accustom to state side. I knew I drank too much, I knew I used less-than-desired language when upset, but nobody ever brought my faulty character to attention. This changed my life and it urged me to start looking for a better way to do things and better way to live. I am a better person 7 years later because of the fact that nobody ever pointed out my bad habits and character. I have learned how to speak respectfully with people and how to stop drinking too much. I love this video. İt's all true.

[@margaritam.9118]

It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. People criticising you in a destructive manner feels like being poked by a needle. You realise they are not there to make you better but to relieve their frustration at your expense and to validate themselves at your expense.

[@paulaharper50]

Difference between attacking and working through things reasonably

[@erickoontz6835]

However, this is PRECISELY the type of advice that has the annoying habit of showing up just a bit too late... after we've had a dose of our own medicine and have learned a hard lesson from our own thoughts and actions. But it is indeed always a relief of sorts to hear a well-stated analysis of what we've done.

[@LondonGal73]

The graphics are amazing. It’s like they are “dancing” with Alain’s voice.

[@arshyadean8274]

Well I faild in doing so and it cost me my somewhat toxic relationship. And now I lay in ruins... Thanks for the video

[@brucemarmy8500]

When a crazed person approaches me, I usually give them some credence "What you got needs choppin', friend?"...They rarely are given any credence, this reminds them of when they were more like others. It tends to extinguish the urgent rage. You can usually reach peace, if it is your intention.

[@notabhi01]

_Your VOICE gives GOOSE BUMPS_ 💫

[@bolivar1789]

Hello Abhi! Yey, yes..what a beautiful voice.. I wish our Alain had the time to make a career as a country singer too! Anyway, I am writing to you to send you this link where you can watch his documentaries. All of them have a life changing quality: kzbin.info . My favourites are: -Status Anxiety -Schopenhauer on Love -The Art of Travel Have a nice evening :- )

[@reccct]

So it is Alain who’s reading these! I thought I was imagining it.

[@hayleabrianne]

Look up ASMR videos on KZbin :D

[@arcticwolf6402]

It doesn't

[@fbecci]

with all the due respect, I think this voice should be changed, to meet the high level of these video's content. The narrator's accent is very often misleading from the content. I tend to focus more on understanding what he says, more than focusing on the content and follow the topic. Again - with all the due respect.

[@Claire-n1q]

I personally struggle with mental health issues. So I lashed out for no reason the other day I told my partner he wouldn’t be a good tutor because he never was able to help me. I am aware it was rude I apologized and explained that I did it because I was blowing up over other issues I had going on in my life, but he kept arguing which makes my mind try to defend itself. He feels now that he is the only one who try’s to change. I do but it’s harder when a mental health issue gets in the way. Now I don’t know what to do to make the situation better

[@ginad8238]

1:10 “There is no prizes in love for correctly discerning the flaws of the other person “ #deep💯

[@RoninCatholic]

Truly it is better to be single and truthful than to cling to a relationship propped up by comforting lies. I'd rather be right and be miserable and lonely than compromise my basic honesty for a chance at fleeting happiness.

[@katemar5740]

I have to agree..

[@jenniferlawrencefan8]

You missed the point of the video i think, he was just saying that you can criticise but the only way for your criticism to go through and permit change in the other is in the way you present your perceived problem. You can and should be honest, but you have support their growth instead of attacking them.

[@machtnichtsseimann]

It's not the only way...defensive people will deflect and argue with and deny any criticism, no matter how genteel or mellow or how "supportive" you are. Both persons ought to look at themselves. The presenter can be moreso selfish, or the receiver might be hyper-defensive already, no matter what.

[@bobkuusela3273]

It’s interested (and twisted) how you only see two opposites: honesty and being hurtful vs. dishonesty and being nice.

[@whylaffwharff5079]

@@machtnichtsseimann This is also partly true, but not the only case. This video was specifically addressing how one might inspire change in a significant other when a flaw needing of correction is perceived. This is assuming both are mature enough to recognize the issue and desire to change for the better, either for themselves or for the sake of the relationship. In the case you brought up, it would be interesting to see a video on maybe how to address a noncompromising or blameless significant other,

[@hugo-yb5po]

The effort and hard working on this channel is amazing

[@PacificNWGrl]

This is incredibly well done. Help someone evolve into the best of theirselves without confronting them. Don’t say the obvious to show them their flaws. The insight isn’t wrong but attacking someone will reduce the possibilities for them to change. We know our flaws because but because of the delivery we get defensive. When someone asks us a question we feel guilty about we may just pretend we don’t know what they’re talking about. If the knowledge is used as a weapon then we will get defensive. People only change when they feel supported when they know that the change is due.

[@empress9857]

Yasss

[@cmlake89]

Something valuable that I wish this had touched on was when the person sharing their truth to the person committing the said act also does the said act. Ex: p1"you don't listen when I'm sharing something important with you." p2 "because you also don't listen when I share something important with you" a situation that becomes competitive in nature because an environment has been established where both partners behave so much like one another but only see the flaw in the opposite partner. Or when there is a partner who perpetually voices their grievances and another partner who doesn't until confronted on a larger scale. Is it appropriate to air a grievance when someone else just aired their own?

[@subhadeepdev]

The ability to mutaully evolve is an important part of any relationship. Thank you for showing how to go on this path without hurting the feelings of your loved one.

[@jayalexander6798]

Oh my lord. This is why going through your own (lengthy) therapy should be mandatory before entering a relationship with another human.

[@TheoWentHome]

Big agree

[@jambajoby32]

Damn my last partner was relentless about getting her point across to the point where it was borderline belittling. I expressed that I needed to be told once and give me some time to process and apologize on my own. The relentless scorning however had me close up and feel unavailable emotionally & this didn’t allow me to process and apologize with sincerity and kindness

[@perpetualjon]

Man this one is tough for me. On one hand, I can remember my previous marriage and the many conversations we'd have where my wife would be doing this very thing and I would try and pick apart her main point by showing where it's not quite accurate. All the while, if I looked honestly at myself, I'd see where she was right but I wasn't ready for that level of humility, openness, honesty, etc. Yet, I am now in a relationship where I see some serious issues in play with her and I have thought long and hard on how to bring it up. I can very much understand where the attitude of wanting to help will go further than just an accusatory tone, but I think it boils down to the fact that if the other person isn't ready, then there's no point in repeating the point! When they're ready, it will be good. But what that puts me in is a conflict between wanting to point out the serious character flaws and help, while still knowing that it may all be a waste of effort if the other person isn't in the right place.

[@perpetualjon]

@@wonderm3963 man, what a difference a year makes. I actually did bring up the things that were bothering me in the relationship and it was awesome. We worked out a lot of things as a result of that first conversation. I had spent probably a week or two writing it out so my thoughts would be clear and even I understood what was going on. It definitely paid off and were doing much better now than ever before -and much closer for going through it!

[@postatrandom6263]

I am definitely the HCP type. I dont go looking for it, I meditate, pray, goal hunt, exercise, work hard and boom, i am ready for war with everything at any moment and it’s the most exhausting feeling and every video only takes about living with these types of people and never how to change or grow and this video is a diamond in the rough. Thank you.

[@AbsurdExistentialist]

🦋 (this video) O/ / | (me) /\ Is this a personal attack?

[@LLLadySSS]

AbsurdExistentialist lmao

[@Lanhua.v]

AbsurdExistentialist low quality meme? YET HIGH QUALITY USE

[@nonelost1]

This video is three days old and it already has 129,683 views. No surprise, coming from The School of Life. Another title for this video could be "Why we don't admit we're wrong even when we know we are wrong". Keep up the good work!

[@justChrisjones]

He's talking about me, isn't he ?

[@longshotkdb]

yes ...

[@toomuchinformation]

He always is

[@longshotkdb]

@@toomuchinformation MØDS! ken wot i mean pal?

[@tombkings6279]

his talking to all of us not you or me to all

[@My_Alchemical_Romance]

c. j. Ya. Lol

[@BluewolfR]

while this is very true, i feel it doesn't help to teach me to compose myself when feeling like im being critiqued by the partner. i been be littled and embarrassed of so much as a child with little support of my own parent that in the slightest form of critique i would often be very defensive to a point its being toxic in a relationship. i want and need to unlearn that.

[@vpyramidog6677]

I'm here for the same hang in there 🤝

[@rdg760jr2]

Me too, i feel like that

[@adamdemmings7752]

The hardest truth to admit..."Love Wins"❤️

[@amsoso8158]

I’m struggling with this a lot, my partner might mention issues or litttle things but I take it so to heart. It makes me feel like I’m not doing enough, my mind straight away goes to how much of an awful person I am, I break myself down as a person. This then impacts my partner because they then don’t feel comfortable discussing things with me because it’s not really going to end with a ok I understand kinda reply. It’s something I don’t want to keep doing but it’s like I then feel so overwhelmed because I think I’m doing so well in life and this little comment could bring me down ...I’m tired of it, I’ve discussed this with him that this is a me issue and not him and that he should be ok to discuss things with me...Im just looking for answers

[@nice5773]

same here, and we broke up because of that, I was in ur spot. But i was super emotional and sensitive which isn’t like me. So criticism from her made me feel crushed. and it’s been like 3 days and she broke up w me over the phone and it hurt.

[@nashiakhan3084]

im struggling with this too

[@rebeccachecker5503]

I feel you! It's not like I am getting defensive in these situations. It's just that I turn quiet because I am lost in a spiral of thoughts about where I am not "enough" in my roles in life. It sucks because my mood can change so quickly into this state caused by just little comments. I think gaining more self confidence will help with this. Plus talking with your partner of course. Also in those moments I try to remind myself that it is ok to admit some flaws. Most of the time it is the best to admit to what your partner is pointing out in a light hearted way. That will also often help them realize that maybe the surroundings where not the best and let them show more affection again. That is just my experience :) it's a learning curve

[@tokoyapatterson3111]

Me too

[@christianbilliot7936]

I'm dealing with the same thing, have you found a solution?

[@lucioluciolucio]

This hit hard. It might as well be what ruined my last relationship 😞 I miss her so much 😞

[@bewilderedbrit8928]

She doesnt miss you. Harden. Stop simping. Become the one who does the dumping.

[@ahab377ify]

I BELIEVE that love is a mix of strong emotions that u cant control like a skill. but practicing love with someone as a relationship is a skill ;) i loved the video btw=))

[@thatkidtayyy6593]

my boyfriend constantly tells me what I should change and it makes me extremely defensive and insecure because he’s so straight and to the point and then wants to drop it and expect the change rather than offering me comfort and reassurance as well. if he’d just give me what I ask for then I’d be more willing to accept what I need to change. I love this, I should send it to him. thank you!

[@alex74857]

What do you want in this situation ?

[@myraloveschristoph]

y’all together or nah

[@shreenjandutta]

Relationships actually take so so so much work, but trust me if you're the only one trying to make it work, and the other person gets defensive and doesn't see the issue, then you should leave such relationships. It's only going to kill you inside knowing that they don't value you as much as u do them.

[@brandonhorsford]

The criticism isn’t constructive instead of it being constructive it’s destructive, you’re lazy , you don’t like to clean etc instead we should always encourage them in Our words and keep the idea peaceful and constructive as humanly possible. It’s best to be mindful if we would like someone to speak to us this way , the golden rule is Eternal

[@Rachtale]

well this explains why it took me so long to get on board with idea of change. wasn't just lack of self aware and motivation but i was scared so yea i did need that reassurance, i was unaware how to make these changes, where these bad habits came from in the first place. this channel's helped a lot with better insights, thank you.

[@frankly5171]

Sympathy for self and empathy for your loved one is essential.

[@pretenuille5635]

being in love these days is really like being in a fight sometimes...where the only cure and relief for self-sufficiency in a relationship is physical desire. i could be wrong lol

[@donel77642]

It's what you say... AND!!!...how you say it!....Because people have different levels of sensitivity.

[@AlliAsAlways]

This was one of the most insightful, helpful videos I've ever watched. Thank you so much for this. It made me realize a great deal about myself, and I can now move-on to being a secure type instead of an anxious type, since I'm self-aware now.

[@Jasa248]

The sad part for me is I get this videos after first breakup. Now I can’t save my relationship…

[@bryansannicolas]

I am presently surprised, that this is the right message I needed to listen to with what I have been working with my wife. Thank you.

[@janedonut1169]

I love that I found this channel, I only wish I had found it in time to help my relationship. Now it's too late.

[@natashaparry4468]

as always, your insight into the human psyche and the course of love is both astonishing and oh so comforting. wish you would come to johannesburg in south africa....

[@Lifeeewithsabrina]

This just shows the power of healing❤

[@angelakitty13]

This is %1000000 what i needed today. Ive been in the feeling crushed and unworthy part for a long time now and im almost at my breaking point with it all. Thank you for this video, it gives me hope that my efforts to change arent futile.

[@mech-E]

I feel like an incredibly important art of working through this is to love yourself and be happy with yourself holistically. To be happy independent of anyone else so you can be happy with other people. This means that you understand and are are okay with your faults.

[@orangetee5]

Agreed it's not important to be right, but giving false assurances to wrong behaviour or being quiet is actually worse and more damaging

[@sjbaem4448]

School of Life is really teaching me about myself. Where were y'all a month ago? I am glad I found you guys now though. I can work on myself for the future.

[@PaninaroAurora]

2:03-- "required to attempt an arduous and miserable process of change... unless and until we reform ourselves, we would have no claim on the affections or forgiveness of the other." Thank you for bringing up that vital point. It's not the feedback; it's what we feel we must do to address the feedback. What actions are we supposed to take? It's not as simple as "drop what you're doing for good, and do it your critic's way from now on". What about moving goalposts if we do happen to reach our goals? What if we change into someone our partner likes, but we don't? Thank you for emphasizing how tough taking criticism really can be.

[@youssefdirani]

The light of truth is shining so brightly... great words and too bad at the same time.

[@AlucardPeach]

I can't tell you the number of times I told my ex to stop weaponizing my problems against me.

[@MetalCooking666]

What do you mean by “weaponising” in this context?

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Alucard Peach, you deserve a good man!

[@linhdinh3590]

Thank you for this short lesson♡♡♡. It's not just true in romantic relationships but also in other relations between us human:). We need to communicate constructively but also with empathy to make the other person understand and willing to evolve themselves^^. Because in the end no one is perfect and we firstly still need understanding before critism or judgement.

[@theschooloflifetv]

Thank you for watching liking and subscribing. Do you find yourself getting defensive in arguments? Let us know in the comments below. By popular demand our School of Life app is now available on Android, IOS and PC here: bit.ly/2R8n6Ed

[@diego_007]

I just put subtitles in Latin American Spanish, could you approve them? please

[@simranwho]

"There's no prize in love for correctly discerning the flaws of our partners. "

[@richardpawlak3732]

Unfortunately, I can't say I agree with this. I don't get defensive because my partner is right. I get defensive because my partner is wrong. However, a good point was made in that there is 'no winner'

[@londonlevyn]

This was wildly useful even 3 years later. Thank you!

[@mulberry100]

I can see this happen within relationships. On the other hand, is the "accuser" always right"? I mean what if an accuser says you are dependent when in fact, you and everyone else you know, would say otherwise? Or perhaps they have a tendency to "project" their bad traits on to you? In other words, are you defensive if you "defend yourself" against accusations that seem genuinely untrue?

[@karin0964]

I struggle with the same, my friend told me I have the reflex to become defensive after I got accused of some things such as not writing for a longer time to this friend and I could prove from whats app history that we had been writing almost every day for months, the answer I got was that I turned things around and that my truth was not the friends truth.. It happened more often although I have to admit that I did make some mistakes too but I said that to this friend too. Now we are in No Contact, this feels from one point of view good but on the other hand really frustrating and questioning myself all the time wether I acted really to defensive and not see the other persons point of view and why I was criticized

[@TheJayMajethiya]

Every well considered criticism is handled as both correct and yet needing to be wrapped up in an extra=ordinary layers of reassurance !

[@jesseishere9959]

We go into denial when people tell us we have a problem. Denial is a defensive mechanism.

[@baryonyx9642]

No it isn't..

[@toomuchinformation]

@@baryonyx9642 Yes it is, very much so. It's a response designed to protect the fragile ego.

[@baryonyx9642]

@@toomuchinformation r/whoosh

[@toomuchinformation]

@@baryonyx9642 ??????????

[@robdrich8556]

No a person in denial is already in denial of their own problems. the person in denial projects their problems onto a target in order to remain in denial and blame the other person for the way they feel. so now you have blamed someone else for yourself and you can now feel like a victim and allow the denial to continue.

[@bigmanteddyhimself1913]

I went into love too early, It took me months of anxiety to understand what these feelings meant. It made me realize I never knew how to love myself. I hope I can do the right thing for myself and for my partner, and learn how to love myself. I believe that I can be more, I want to be happy, and have the self-actualization to give and recieve love in the best way possible.

[@nash0236]

1:50 I thought that hook was gonna stab him in the head Honestly im dissapointed

[@jacquem9216]

I come here every time I need some guidance. I really appreciate this channel🧚🏽‍♀️

[@MetalCooking666]

Correction: adults with an adult mental age should not need to be coddled and should instead simply accept responsibility for their bad habits and make efforts to change them. If they already know change is due, then why haven’t they sorted it out already?