How Toxic Is Your Family? Family Systems Test

The toxic family test was developed to assist in processing of childhood trauma and family dynamics but primarily was created to raise awareness of the toxic family system.
www.toxicfamilytest.com
#toxicfamilyawareness
#toxicfamilytest
➡️ Childhood Trauma E-Course Work
www.patrickteahantherapy.com/...
➡️ Support the channel on Patreon
/ patrickteahan
➡️ Connect with me via my website
www.patrickteahantherapy.com
➡️ Connect with me via my Instagram
/ patrickteahantherapy
➡️ Connect with me via my TikTok
/ patrickteahantherapy
MUSIC IS BY:
Chris Haugen - Ibiza Dream
• Chris Haugen - Ibiza D...
Editing Service:
www.jamesrara.com/
⚠️ Disclaimer
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know, is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255

[@patrickteahanofficial]

Chapters: 0:00 Intro 0:52 Two Problems 1:49 "Toxic" 2:31 Is "Toxic" Overused? 3:09 Are They?... 4:27 What Makes a Family Toxic? 7:23 What Makes a Parent Toxic? 8:06 What Makes a Parent Toxic? - #1 Lack of Accountability 8:38 What Makes a Parent Toxic? - #2 Poor Relationships 9:05 What Makes a Parent Toxic? - #3 Contempt & Criticism 9:37 What Makes a Parent Toxic? - #4 Poor Insight / No Improvement 9:59 What Makes a Parent Toxic? - #5 Poor boundaries 10:31 What Makes a Parent Toxic? - #6 Duplicity 11:07 Is Toxic a Fixed Thing & Can They Change? 13:36 Difficulty in Calling Our Childhood Toxic 14:21 No Healthy Frame of Reference 15:04 No Help / Confirmation 15:57 Measuring Toxicity 16:42 Toxic Family Test 17:13 Toxic Family Test - Questions 18:52 Final Thoughts 19:39 Outro

[@hanabanana8127]

Dude thank you so much for this What an incredible resource. You're an actual hero. I'm going through emdr now and it's thanks in large part to channels like yours, and your channel, for bringing me to a point where I was courageous enough to take steps. Both my parents died this year. It's been weird. Again, thank you 🙏

[@erikavaleries]

Is there a link to the test?

[@patrickteahanofficial]

@@erikavaleries www.toxicfamilytest.com

[@regularity2556]

Hi Would you do a video on childhood trauma that's not from the parent. I was abused sa but not by my patience but relatives and when the videos talk about "parent" as the abuser it's hard for me to connect

[@garouuchiha4041]

Mine is at the highest number. Glad I am staying away from them, I am homeless, peace of mind for me.

[@eq2092]

In a recent conversation with a safe person I was asked about my military service and if I was afraid I told her: "No, combat is safer than where I grew up. At least in the military I could trust the other men in my unit."

[@dnk4559]

Such a good point!

[@KhalidCabrero]

Military was therapeutic. First time it seemed someone actually gave a damn about you.

[@pacificangel7]

So true!

[@annelbeab8124]

Strange, isn't it? Finding good bonding where the theme is war. While if in combat more traumatisation of those involved would happen and passed on.

[@Tracy-xe9zu]

I had a somewhat similar conversation about being in boot camp; the other girls were surprised by how unbothered I was by our RDCs (drill instructors). I replied that they were far better than what I was accustomed to; at least when they yelled at you, it was for a valid reason (most often, safety reasons) and they didn't attack me as a human being for making a mistake. Compared to the narcissistic abuse I'd endured my entire life, boot camp was nothing.

[@MrLugubrious]

On the opposite end of parentifying kids, I think your test misses the perhaps equally impactful authoritarian approach of being permanently and unjustly infantalised and surveilled. Instead of being forced to grow up too fast in terms of responsibilities I'm still contending with the damage of having my metaphorical legs broken via being raised like a prisoner under constant intense violations of privacy and basic autonomy, and being subsequently shamed and punished for not being able to walk away fast enough on those mangled stunted limbs

[@TejubescDM]

I understand it well. I've experienced both. I was parentified as kid and when I hit puberty I was infantalized and micromanaged. It can be very damaging in terms of self development. But we can heal! Hope you are doing better now. It's the parent own control issues, not us.

[@JO-vc3zh]

Great point!

[@rayakins]

Yes, this can be major reason for the inability to develop dreams and goals in adulthood as they were always crushed by the authoritarian, hyper critical parent we have internalised

[@NootalieWalf]

Amen 😔

[@beastshawnee]

dang. That is real too! My sister does that to my nephew a bit. I am worried about him. He is smart tho and probably will assert himself big time later. Currently he seems immature.

[@PaigeSquared]

I didnt know emotional neglect was a thing until i was 30. I did not understand why everyone around me seemed able to make decisions and have dreams about their life, and i was not functioning in that way. In middle school, the counselor picked up on the flags. My mom told them to leave me alone and they'd address the concerns at home (it was never brought up again). At the time, i was relieved this nebby adult was not up in my business, i viewed my mother as rescuing me from persecution. In retrospect, that was the only shot i had to get support from an adult outside of my family, as a minor.

[@OuchingTigerLimpingDragon]

Damn, that's really sad. I'm glad you're on the path to healing now. It's never too late.

[@nuthinbutluv4u142]

In middle school I had one like that too. I came very close to asking her if there was another family I could go live with, who wanted a kid. Said I'd behave and do chores. I was trying to adopt myself out.

[@akhilbs9625]

Emotional neglect is a silent poison, which is equally or even more harmful than a abusive household. You ll never know what's happening to you until you are dead by that silent poison

[@cathymars23]

I had counselling as a child (my parents saw me as the problem.) But I was always very loyal to my (neglectful, critical) parents. I thought the nice lady was trying to make me say bad things about them. 🤔

[@thunderpooch]

same scenario...people were picking up i was miserable

[@Trammiliin]

Took the test and got 100/100. Thought maybe I was too critical and took the test again. Second time got 96/100... Not much better I'd say. And my mother thinks I'm "mentally unstable" and she has no idea why.

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

Same! I took my time. I wanted to give as much room as I could for subjectivity, but the truth is the truth. 💯 It seems he worded it, designed it that way. My heart goes out to you! I hope you are far out of that now. I am. 💜💜💜🕊

[@architexturalchaos1862]

I do this on a regular :) I know the answer full well. And still do it, because maybe. It came out just 97 this time, so hey - it's not all that bad.:)

[@bereal6590]

Yeah, my mother thinks I'm the nutcase. Perhaps if I'd not lived with two nut crackers I'd be more whole. These types never take any responsibility. Like mouldy cheese they get more mouldy

[@Trammiliin]

​@@StephieGsrEvolution I'm glad you are out of it! My psychopath-violent-alcoholic father is dead and I cut off my enabler flying monkey mother 3 years ago. My life got much easier and I have some space for healing now. Also, my sister took the test and she got 94/100. Sometimes I feel maybe I'm too harsh in my judgement, but then I look into the facts and validate with my sister.

[@JO-vc3zh]

Omg I literally just did this

[@tarp11z]

Multi-generational trauma and toxicity= the gift that keeps in giving.

[@CoraFrances]

I've thought of it that way myself in that exact phrase! I have zero plans to "re- gift" this to my niece and nephew. The buck stops here!

[@pokemont9989]

@@CoraFrances I love that you’re breaking the cycle!

[@abdul8685]

Ha! Tell me about it. I will have to be in therapy for the rest of my life, Thank you Dad for the leg up in life. Like life aint hard enough as it is. But the best deal is when they think that theyve been father of the century the entire time and is disgusted with you for being all fucked up and traumatized. And your all like, “do you not remember all those times you beat the shit out of my mother in front of me when I was 4?” He goes naw, I was a great father, you are just a no good piece of shit. And you, dumbfounded, think deep in your gut, “idk, seems a bit more nueanced in reality and a bit unfair”. Oh well, what can you do?

[@Jesuselectrifyus]

I loled so hard 🤣

[@Bronte866]

If some of us victims would decide not to reproduce it would stop rather quickly. Having children seems to make people think they’re real adults and/or they have created someone to love them. They are certain they are not abusing their kids because they’re abusing them somewhat differently than they were abused. A lot of those are right here commenting. (Not saying you!) People think the science and even statistics we have from decades confirming this doesn’t apply to them and they are the exception which is laughably unlikely. If anyone has not yet had children consider not doing so.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

My family's toxic dynamic is that they're perfect and I'm sensitive, I challenged that and got DARVO'd, gaslit, had my sanity questioned. So depressing.

[@Marie_Adams]

What is Darvo?

[@cherrymaryam27]

it is a manipulation technique used in toxic and narcissist relationships@@Marie_Adams

[@jennifercooper3812]

​@Seerah210 Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. In other words, gaslighting. You try to tell the person what they did to hurt you and suddenly the person backs you into a corner with denial, attacking you with word salad of everything bad you've ever done, makes themselves the victim and you the offender. Such a mind-screw.

[@iloveFreedom.]

​@@jennifercooper3812😮 oh yeahh ....thanks!!!

[@iloveFreedom.]

Woah....I really wanna send this to my mum...and I think she'll say... "hmmm weird american ideas / stop battering me with your strange ideas/ it really hurts me"😅😢 nuts!

[@periforbylee]

I was beaten by my dad every couple of days for more than 10 years, called a slut, and my mom was in denial that any of this happened to me, and until very recently I did not know I was abused! I was just wondering why everything is so difficult for me and why I cannot be optimistic and trusting like other people 😂 I got 82 and I am so proud that I survived, am almost sane, am able to love others and came this far.

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

We should be proud of ourselves! It's a lot to go through! I'm super proud of us, not just because we survived. Our own abusive parents survived. We survive AND still keep actively choosing love for ourselves and others every day by committing to recovery. 🤍🤍🤍🕊

[@bethanyhunt2704]

Accept these congratulations and admiration from this internet stranger! 🥰

[@badcaseofstripes]

You are so strong!! It's difficult because you had so much more on your shoulders than any other regular kid! We are all just trying our best

[@hilaryunachukwu9736]

Damn!

[@vericacvetkovic9093]

My heart bleeds for you. Have you ever confronted the monster?

[@Ariye]

I knew things were off, but I didn't realize just how bad my family system was until I was telling what I considered a funny story from when I was little, and instead of laughing, my boyfriend looked really upset and said "I can't believe you had to go through that, I'm so sorry." 😬 I scored an 80/100, so in the words of Kronk from The Emperor's New Groove, "Oh yeah, it's all coming together." I'm so glad to be a part of this community, it's been such a blessing!

[@jl3268]

YOUR BOYFRIEND IS A KEEPER. I'M SURE YOUR KNOW.

[@Leafygreen123]

Just took the test and got 92 out of 100. Being the family over-achiever, I was hoping for 100 out of 100. 😂.

[@spacegirl226]

I had a great laugh at the family over-achiever bit. Darlin' I feel you there! I got 94/100.

[@Leafygreen123]

@@spacegirl226 So glad you got a chuckle out of it. That’s one of the reasons that Patrick’s channel resonates with me, his sense of humor over truly crappy upsetting topics.

[@spacegirl226]

@@Leafygreen123 Yes! I appreciate that we can laugh even though the stuff we went through was awful.

[@Leafygreen123]

@@spacegirl226 Agreed!

[@beastshawnee]

yep me too. But I honestly answered and that last question seemed to be a step down.

[@Kuutamo73]

I think the easiest way to find out how abusive our caregivers were is the amount of shame we feel

[@StephASMR]

As a younger woman I felt a great deal of shame and responsibility for what happened, now I’m resentful

[@PaigeSquared]

The free-floating anxiety and shame in family systems is something I've been curious to learn more about. From what I understand, the unclaimed emotions within a family unit are often the ones caregivers decided to reject, project, or otherwise not take ownership of, and the children (and any members susceptible) within the system take on different levels of these negative feelings and identify with them, depending on what they're exposed to and when. In theory these emotions could be created by any members of the family unit; any illness or unavailability of any member influences the rest of the system to compensate or respond in some way, in an attempt to maintain harmony within the unit. I was amazed to see how well children learn their parents routines, I didn't truly believe it until I had my own kid. He has learned how to navigate my anxiety and attention issues in impressively effective (and often hilarious) ways, to get what he wants. It's cute until a behavior is overwhelming to deal with and you know you only have yourself to blame. 🤣🥲

[@rickwrites2612]

I don't think it will work for everyone. I was a scapegoat but never internalized shame and was always defiant. I think because I had a very loving caregiver until the age of 5, then I was removed to a very different dysfunctional situation (parent said we going on vacation but we never went home). Another boon was because I was scapegoated as mentally ill so they could get SSI check, (my aunt who was estranged told me this later. Since I moved away at 18 no therapist has ever suggested I show any dignity of mental illness and I was sincere about seeking to know if I had one) but because of that I was in biweekly therapy age 14-18 and months psychiatrist, plus four 30 day psych stays ages 12-14. As a result I learned healthy stuff like boundaries etc. When my mom came to sessions she refused to cooperate and blamed everything on me and they couldn't make her cooperate. She even dragged me from a therapist once because he told her not to hit me again or he'd report it. So I always felt I was treated unfairly but because authority like police and psych was weaponized against me, I identified as an outsider or criminal (even though I was naturally high empathy - I only committed "victimless" type crime except in cases where someone put their hands on me first - as a teen was gaybashed by a grown ass man put my head thru a window, bootstomped my face fractured nose skull, face, concussion etc was choking me, so I cut him open with shears from my cosmetology class ) I always fought back or ran away, while I wasn't naturally aggressive I wound up more of a path of minor juvenile delinquency for either fighting back or walking out rather than accepting any abuse or authority. The police were regularly called after I was hit because I wouldnt submit, and my mom has the mental maturity of an 11 yo - if I close a door to prevent getting hit she will call cops not as a manipulation but thst she genuinely believes its a crime to defy her- or when younger when everyone in family is ridiculing and throwing things at me n calling me crazy id just cover my ears and scream so theyd call cops on me. Cops almost always took adults side, some even joined in and mocked me and took pics. One time in later adolescence there was a nice cop who told me basically there wasn't anything that could be done til i was 18 but gave me a rubber band to wear on my wrist and told me that f i ever wanted to get away I had to be more disciplined than them and snap the rubber band rather than react and he told me to read about zen Buddhism. I even broke out of a locked psych ward at age 13 and hitched across the country. I feel a sense of guilt more than shame- my former roommate once said I have "that thing probably from being a bad kid" like where I "skulk in kitchen looking guilty as if you expect to be caught and punished and sent upstate for eating " I honestly dont feel like I have shame from it... almost it made me shameless because I identified *against* it...it did trick me into thinking the world ie normal ppl hated me though, which if you believe that bad shit winds up happening to you in cascades from your positioning yourself defensively against the world. I hadda unlearn that. It helped that i moved away and became very successful in my 20s and kinda the family Hero...which it's weird to have that dual role and her always trying to push me back in scapegoat box but she needs me to be the hero on practical level, so her actions would go back n forth. So rather than shame for me its more like a sinking sense of guilt and fear that I'm gonna be betrayed, blamed, set up and trapped. But never a sense that I actually deserve it.

[@PaigeSquared]

@@rickwrites2612 it isn't so much thinking we deserve it. I didn't think I deserved what my ex husband did. However, I didn't act like a stranger would have. I didn't report each thing to the police, because that was reframed as an attack on him. I thought that would be me going out of my way to hurt him. But it wouldn't have been, it would have been common sense to anyone who didn't love him. It would have been a defensive act, one where he had already been the aggressor and was facing the consequences I unknowingly was sheltering him from. The sort of shame we feel, we identify with. It isn't shame for what happened, or not logically understanding we are equal to others. It's a sort of not knowing what we deserve, what our inherent rights are, and feeling empowered to ensure they are protected. It doesn't always look like "I don't feel good enough to get out of this," but shame from toxic families of origin can warp and take on new forms, once we pick it up. Where your mom should have been embarrassed and wasn't, you felt that embarrassment. You knew when she should have been ashamed, and yet she was not. This sort of shame from growing in a toxic system shows up in the strict standards we hold for ourselves (or else we would be "bad") and the level of compassion we allow ourselves. It's in whether or not we actually like ourselves, as a person. It ends up poisoning our relationship with our own self. I did not understand until I had a baby, and taking care of his needs, not wanting him to be uncomfortable, came naturally to me. And yet, my family said I was spoiling him, for not immediately saying "you're okay" when he falls, I ask if he is okay. We are trained in very insidious ways to not care for ourselves in the "common sense" methods others had the opportunity to learn, when our attention had to be on an unstable parent. Do you feel comfortable asking for a correction, if a plate comes out wrong from a restaurant? Do you feel comfortable walking into any space, any building, no matter the level of wealth required to be a regular member? Do you feel like you have the right to tell a romantic interest when they do something that bothers you? All three are shame related. It's difficult, because we see our parents acting entitled, so we work to never be like that. But there are things we are in fact, very entitled to, that our parents never honored. That's where we carry systems' shame.

[@Bronte866]

I don’t feel shame at all. But my parents should’ve gone to prison.

[@vampbat12]

still living with my abusive parents, i sometimes feel like i’m overreacting so this will hopefully be validating

[@Trammiliin]

I hope you'll be able to get out from there soon. 🥺

[@askmybones]

Same

[@lindam7821]

Same

[@1bean]

Same. Sending you strength and good vibes. I’m glad you’re here getting the info you need to help you handle things

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

💜💜💜 my heart goes out to you all! At 46, I would tell myself (18 and younger) to... keep laying low, focus on school as much as you can, and tell anyone who cares as much as you can, look after your siblings and try not to fight with them no matter how annoying. It's not easy once you get out, especially without support, but every single day of freedom ever since been better than that hell. Keep getting as much help as you can. Stay as strong as you can, work as hard as you can, but try not to be too hard on yourself when you can't. And don't take anyone's 💩 that you don't have to take, even from bosses without a speedy exit plan, and ESPECIALLY don't take 💩 from romantic partners who are supposed to love you. In fact, hold off on dating for a long time until you get to know yourself better and what you want in life. You got this! It gets better! Your wisdom can help others one day. The most important person you will help is you and every single thing you do for self improvement is worth it! 💯🕊

[@emilysmith2965]

“Weaponizing basic needs” really hits the nail on the head for me… there was definitely other stuff going on but that was a major indicator of abuse and neglect in the family system.

[@cindyloomis-torvi3396]

Yep.

[@scarebears3359]

Same!! It's good to have a way to put it into words. For most of my life, it was just a feeling of "I don't deserve food/housing/sleep/kindness" etc. But when you see that those things were weaponized against you it starts making sense why you thought of it that way

[@beastshawnee]

That is so real! yes.

[@beastshawnee]

@@scarebears3359Absolutely! I still feel I don’t deserve good things unless I have really really earned them . I know I deserve good things just because I exist because my friend beat it into my head that I do…but I fall back into self sabotage regularly…and then have to start over.

[@stefaniacontessa]

So glad to have a phase for this!🎉

[@vickydiss9986]

100/100 on that test. Crazy how as a child, I just thought I wasnt handling life as well as everyone else.

[@OuchingTigerLimpingDragon]

I have said that exact phrase so many times. I wondered how other people _did_ it! Then found out that I was born with a couple of genetic diseases that make things physically more difficult for me than the average, healthy person, plus an abusive and dysfunctional childhood and teens. I look at it now like, "I'm doing so well _in spite_ of all the hurdles and setbacks, must have needed some dead weight to hold me back so I wouldn't rock the world too much" 😄 That's where I'm at with it right now, anyway. Keeps me from a constant pity party, at least. 🤷‍♀️

[@marlenedaltonadams3278]

I love your expression of this. Very helpful😀

[@MrTeesabrat]

I thought everyone I knew had the same 100/100 childhood as I did, like it was so normal, can't remember a time when my mother-father-misc partners they had weren't toxic. Maybe when they were sleeping.

[@Dionaea_M]

I still do

[@nathanarcher6764]

Same. the 100 made me feel stupid. should've never in 1,000,000 years felt bad for leaving, and got out before i was broke financially and mentally. Also thought, "why is everyone so happy, and their life is awesome, they must be insane, because this sucks" The difference in living in the US, vs Soviet Russia or North Korea mentally.

[@bethanyatkinson6944]

"the toxic family is one that caters to the most toxic individual" my mind is literally blown. Thank you for giving me a framework for one of the aspects that bothers me so much. Siblings, but don't make any efforts to see me, projecting that I don't want to see them because of who they have decided that I am 🤦‍♀️

[@Trammiliin]

I grew up in extreme toxicity where everything revolved around my psychopath father. When he died, my mother started catering the narcissistic abusive golden child sibling. So, it's quite true that toxic families cater the most toxic person, but the most toxic person can change. I wonder who she would start catering if the golden child wasn't there. Fortunately I have 2 more siblings who are not part of the toxic system and are very reasonable about the issue.

[@jennw6809]

I agree, this was a real revelation. When my mom died my GC sister took her place.

[@oceanicmartian]

86/100 take that, parents! finally scored high on a test! 🥳🥳🥺

[@OuchingTigerLimpingDragon]

😄😅😓😥😭

[@reihalilaj3935]

😂😂😂

[@HomeFromFarAway]

😂😅😂🎉

[@ghadayk843]

Hhhhhhhh got a 99🤣🤣🤣🤣 always a high achiever

[@SharonKroes-ki3xe]

I love your humor 😂😂. Very funny!

[@MirAndHer]

It's a shame that toxic is such an overused word in the world today, much like narcissism. It's really unhelpful, and dilutes the horrific impact of those of us who have grown up in this reality. The questionnaire was so helpful, thanks Patrick.

[@christineribone9351]

Yes. I just got off a channel and these misogynist guys from the comment section were thrashing me.

[@streaming5332]

I don't hear toxic much but I'm in Australia. Dysfunctional is more likely to be used. People are obsessed wth saying 'impacts' and all forms of this word.

[@MirAndHer]

@@streaming5332 I hadn't thought about different countries / cultures and the use of the word 'toxic', or not. To me 'dysfunctional' isn't a satisfactory alternative, as it doesn't adequately express the harm and damage of a toxic home. Dysfunctional = it doesn't work. Toxic = it is poisonous.

[@christineribone9351]

@@streaming5332 There are regional words and trends. Here in the US its "toxic", "literally", "yeah-no", "gender neutral", "binary" . . . there's a bunch of them.

[@nathaliediaz6189]

I just took the test and I got a 54 my family was toxic growing up . But I’ve gone through therapy which helped me a lot . My mother has also done a lot of self work and we’ve talked about my childhood and she’s taken accountability for what didn’t happen. I know my story is rare but I pray for healing in the hearts of everyone going through these experiences with loved ones

[@kittywalker2944]

We’ve had a similar experience. Parenthood is hard and sometimes people do the best they know how to do, at that time.

[@k8o568]

I just took the toxic family test. At 72, I have worked through most of my dysfunctional attributes through therapy, self help, good partner. The surprising thing, for me, is that I never equated my childhood trauma to my adult drama! What an eye opener that has been! Thank you.

[@sarahvandekendelaere8761]

Hi there! I scored a 68... I hear you about the adult drama... It's a trauma to drama pipeline! One day, we'll be able to flush it all out! Many hugs your way!

[@k8o568]

@sarahvandekendelaere8761 My score was 84! I am 72. It's been a wild ride for sure.

[@timumbra2476]

I got a 78 so I get that and therapy seems good for it

[@Bronte866]

Huge numbers of viewers State this constantly. I understand it but I knew, from age 5 or 6 that I was very unlucky in the parental lottery. Mostly because of seeing how other parents treated their kids. I knew shortly after that that my adulthood would be messed up. After that realized at around 14? that I might have a chance for a tolerable life as a 60+. I found that would not come to pass.

[@k8o568]

@Bronte866 tolerable...that seems what my life has always been. Barely tolerable. Hugs to all us over 70, that survived!!

[@utuelias]

me when I was younger: "I don't know why I have all these issues, my childhood was fine...?" my results in the test: "severe toxicity" ......Welp. Luckily I'm on a c-PTSD group therapy now. Finally getting some help.

[@karmennash7479]

Rings so true for me and my sisters! Ugh!

[@kon1655]

I repeated the test 3 times, I got severe toxicity too and I'm kinda shocked, it was really that bad, I cannot believe 99% of people sugar-coated and that I believed it wasn't that bad

[@PrincessMicrowave]

Literally when I was in my 20s and younger I thought I was incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful family, not like other people's problematic families. Omg lol.

[@Onetwelvefourth]

Hi @utuelias, how does one find a cptsd therapy group?

[@helenchen2788]

The same as you... I took my family as loving and supportive (really seemed to be) until I was 29, and my test result is also severe toxicity (73/100). At 29, I went oversea for PhD studies and had a major break-up with my then partner. Back then, all my parents (especially my dad) said was like "why can't you as happy as others? Why you always make your parents worry?" After that, I finally gradually figured out, my parents made my inner self to blame myself, since I was very little. I have felt emptiness, felt worthless and had low self-esteem because being long-term emotional neglected. I never had thought of these feelings actually comes from them, because I thought I had a good family... But when I tried to tell my parents, they were just like "Of course we love you!! We just don't know how to comfort you!! Is this our fault?!" Then I went silent... Yes, this is a confirmation of them to be toxic. (BTW they paid my therapy, for 6 years I think. I still believe that they love me, but it does not mean that they didn't do any harm. They did a lot.)

[@KhalidCabrero]

Nah. Never wondered if it was normal. I knew from the start it was grotesque. Never gave them the benefit of the doubt. I realized since very young that my parents were overgrown idiotic & cruel children, with awful dynamics. The only question is how I could change it. I always believed if I showed them love & kindness & care -- what everyone hungers for, after all -- they would finally learn how and the dynamics would improve for everyone. i was , of course, mistaken.

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

I never wondered either. My younger brother told me I used to look at him and say things like, "This is effed up!" and "This is crazy!" I did wonder what the hell was wrong and if we were cursed or something.

[@vampiresgrave]

same here. mom died when i was a kid so of course i tried to keep my abusive father in my life because i wanted at least ONE parent- better a shitty one than none, right ? 10 years of trying to reason with him and communicate and pour so much care into the relationship, all to be thrown away by one voicemail. for some people, no amount of love and care will move their mountain of baggage an inch.

Same. Always knew. That's why I felt trapped.

[@stefaniacontessa]

I knew since I was 3! Got out ASAP, but NOT unscathed. Has made therapy a nightmare. Still trying!

[@christinabalas3218]

I did the same exact thing! I'm 65 now and I wasted so much time. Once those patterns are established it takes a monumental effort to change them. Plus, they get validation from others just like them and you are outnumbered! Futile! And you risk them making themselves the "victim" of YOUR abuse! LOL! Definitely NOT worth the effort.... run!

[@barbh1]

Toxic people are those who I can't stand to be around. I am not able to be nice and pretend they are okay. Being that insincere makes me stressed and uncomfortable. They actually feel like an emotional poison.

[@cindybaker7153]

My family is like a cult. They are the life of the party, fun, smart, articulate, musical and loving. Under the mask, they are dark and evil. To others they are a loving family, but in reality they have pure hatred for each other. They have one thing that binds them together, their hatred for me. But if you corner them, they will eat their own. I took the test and scored a 94. I did get an email from my mother today for my birthday, which I ignored but it gave me a little anxiety.

[@steffi5945]

I feel for you. That is a really tough situation.

[@abzdudy1]

I empathise. My parents are adored and loved by everyone. But to me they have been extremely emotionally neglectful for decades.

[@Marie-ts8rp]

Same😢

[@moscowcowboy_13]

Sorry, Cindy. My birth mother is the same. I had to cut her off completely. I blocked her on social, phone, and moved. She never actually was allowed to have her own identity, as her evil husband never let her have her own email. So I blocked his, not that he would ever write me. Their son, my half brother by blood only is a meth head, drunk, with a sick wife, and a poor little boy that I will never have a relationship with. He is their golden boy, they prop him up, supporting him while he goes to jail, on probation, getting arrested, abusing his wife. I am the black sheep, my wife and I live as far away as possible. They all hate me, and my wife and are terrible people.

[@jupiterthesun3217]

This gentleman has really pinpointed ALL of the red flags that I have experienced since I was 4 years old! No other experts has been so accurate about it all.

[@nulledabyss2230]

Patrick I want to thank you, as a younger person just emerging from an abusive family system, I currently don't have the finances to seek out therapy myself, so gaining the awareness I have through watching your KZbin channel has been instrumental in me working on myself.

[@StudlyFudd13]

This is where i started and man these channels are life savers. Finally have a good therapist now and am working toward real healing

[@stefaniacontessa]

Patrick is better than all the therapists I’ve hired and fired. So much wasted time and money.

[@sarahburford5938]

Depending on where you live, your local health department may offer mental health treatment on a sliding scale based on your income.

[@jl3268]

AA therapy groups are usually free I think. I'm looking too.

[@Job.Well.Done_01]

So toxic that I don’t even have a family anymore. Serious business

[@dnk4559]

Took the test and got 89 out of 100. I was the oldest, forced caretaker and main scapegoat. I am the only family member in recovery who has had any therapy. I so wish I could send this to my sisters but one is the golden child committed to continuing the legacy of our narcissistic father with her toxic positivity view of him and the other is an alcoholic likely border line personality disordered person (caused by trauma) who also was the scapegoat for a short time after I left home and before she was kicked out at fifteen. Thank you Patrick for reminding me to stop second guessing myself about my decision to stay low contact with my siblings.

[@whatshername656]

Wow. We sound like dopplegangers, mirror images. I think one of the most cruel aspects of all this is the extent to which it is normalised, first within family of origin, then in society which largely fails to recognise poor family systems. It's like trying to move out of dysfunction while everyone around you is saying "What dysfunction? Are you crazy??"

[@dnk4559]

@@whatshername656 very well said! It’s so crazy making and disorienting because sadly it seems the siblings for the most part only treat me poorly so if I step away the rest of the family (and society at large) doesn’t understand why.

[@whatshername656]

@@dnk4559 yet as soon as you do step away, the family system changes. They need to find someone new to blame, someone new to do the caring, someone new to plug the gaps. In my case my sister stepped into the caring role. She complains endlessly about how much she gives. And I respond "well it's you doing the giving, maybe you need to think about that". But she's stuck in the mindset that she has no choice, and I am harsh and uncaring. Then we go another year without talking. Which is fine by me.

[@ChrisMeadows1992]

I received an 89 as well. I'm a 31-year-old eldest sibling scapegoat also. I now have a validating number to keep in the back of my mind as I commit to going no-contact in 2024. Sending you positive vibes and hope.

[@dnk4559]

@@ChrisMeadows1992 and the same to you as well! I am low contact with my two siblings who are left after our parents have passed but made the decision to not spend any holidays with them as nothing has changed. I can see them at weddings, showers and funerals. If someday they choose to heal and mend the relationship I will consider it but only after they’ve seriously spent some time in recovery of some sort.

[@weaviejeebies]

Yeah, so I got 95. Joined your community. Thx Patrick, very few websites and communities are 1.) so clear and 2.) free. 🙏 so grateful

[@yoloyoko4822]

I wonder how many people who watch these sorts of videos would get lower scores. I got a “mere” 45, or moderately toxic. I do think that’s right. I still have trauma to work though. At any rate, I’m grateful for this channel and really this genre of videos. They help a lot!

[@noctism]

i got 58, so not that high either i guess

[@TejubescDM]

Lower score is not to be underestimated, the test doesn't cover every possible situation. Even untreated flu can be dangerous and the "small traumas" are like that, they turn to CPTSD that can disturb our life.

[@tiryaclearsong421]

I got a 46/100. But I took the test because my mom is losing it over nothing today.

[@insertcreativenamehere7970]

I got 52.

[@rosamund9592]

Don't forget the test doesn't measure trauma but toxicity. I got 68 and immediately started to berate myself for being traumatized at all -- other people have it worse, right? But there are other factors in trauma and having a toxic home environment only contributes to those. Ironically, I'd validate anyone with a "mere" 45 score and yet feel like my own score is a joke and I should obviously just stop feeling sorry for myself. lol.

[@sookiebyun4260]

I am watching this on Christmas Day. Holidays are difficult. I feel so empty. My mother was negligent and my father was abusive. They lived in denial of the hell they co-created for me and my sister. They blamed us for our issues and took ZERO responsibility for themselves.

[@Bronte866]

Holidays are painful. Take good care. ♥️

[@jl3268]

Me too... they projected everything messed up about them onto the children. My mother says I have "false memories" . So invalidating .

[@Jazzmaster1992]

This might sound strange, but your videos have shed a lot of insight into the issues I had with a toxic workplace. It seems like a lot of these concepts can overlap and be applied to your place of work, especially when it has a team with an established hierarchy. There were "favorites" aka golden children, scapegoats, lack of accountability, contempt and criticism, and so on coming from the "parents" aka the people at the top and it really dragged me and several others as things went on.

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

Our whole damn system (especially in US) enables toxic behaviors and abuse of power.

[@brycenew]

Totally reflects some of my worst workplace experiences. Narcissists (highly traumatised people) or worse, collectives of narcissists traumatising other people.

[@Onetwelvefourth]

Ya this is all too common.

[@haileyoslund]

Our jobs become our “workplace families”, the same dynamics definitely come out!

[@cynthiachristiansen8803]

As a child, my birth family said if I told others of our family "business", I would be taken away from them. It was made out that I would be damaging our family. In my teens, was kicked out, and the courts ruled them unfit, and abusive parents. Being taken away was thestart of my recovery. So much was normalized by my parents, I am still realizing unhealthy behaviors I learned from them.

[@NekoYuki]

I took the test and got a score of 68. I'm a survivor of multiple abuses, and i went through very dark times in my life because of it. I don't know if it's a hero complex, but I've made it my duty to be there for others so they never feel as alone as I felt. They say the kindest people are the loneliest, and I can speak from experience how true that is. We never want others to feel the way we did. I just want to be the person I needed growing up. The person I sometimes still need.

[@maryamkidwai2543]

Oh hell yes. I go out of my way to make sure noone felt as i did when i was a kid. Sometimes i wish there was someone like me for me but i guess we have to be that for ourselves.

[@levi-nn7ce]

Omg same I always over extend and empathic with others and try and be there for others and I low-key wished I had a best friend that was like me for me

[@romysv]

got the same result and hard agree

[@CW-rx2js]

I got severe toxicity on your test. As i suspected. To make it worse, I grew up in a developing country where there was no awareness of psychology, psychiatry, personal boundaries, physical violence, etc. And there was no support or support systems from the government either.

[@SuperHappyNotMerry]

i erred on the side of caution and answered on the somewhat or rarely categories out of fear of overstating how bad it was and i still ended up on the extensive toxicity side, with only a few points off from severe, took the test again and answered instead for how things _felt_ when looking back and it bumped me up to severe. i still don't want to assume it was severe levels of bad because maybe I'm so biased that I'm overinflating my own level of hurt to make it seem like I'm justified in feeling what i feel. but I'll accept the extensive label because it's middle of the road enough that i don't feel I'm purposefully making things seem worse than they were. which is probably something i need to work on.

[@Diane_McDon]

This! 🔥

[@BeaLucile]

Lol, are you me?! Because same.

[@parrotdoesasploot2381]

Same here

[@ClaraDarko]

63/100. What I expected. "Extensive toxicity", that is, very emotionally immature and very narcissistic mother, and a father who was sometimes an enabler, sometimes completely absent, overall neglectful. It could have been soooo much worse and yet I still think going no contact was my only option (I'm 42 and my mother's toxicity is now 10 times worse than it was while I was growing up).

[@giuba98]

Your description of your parents is so similar to my family, I just took the test and got basically your score (64), and it makes me feel better knowing that you're no contact because it's what i'd like to do... thanks for sharing

[@dharshinipriya6618]

I got 69/100 - severe toxicity. I too feel that my mother was toxic when i was a child and now she has started to fuelling the most toxic person in my family. I have started no contact just now. They brand me as sensitive, abusive, violent and depressing. I have seen many times their ego getting satisfied whenever they talk about me like this. I personally feel the years i have lived to be a crap.

[@meettheeilands3424]

I got 91 out of 100. Unable to find a qualified trauma informed therapist so I am doing my best to heal and work on myself. Your videos and teaching has been instrumental in my healing journey. Thank you.

[@whiteumbrella9344]

Very helpful video. I just took the test and got 75 of of 100. I am absolutely shocked. I never thought my childhood was dysfunctional. Like you said I had no idea. I thought if people were not perfect that was normal. I was not abused so I must be overreacting. Very enlightening.

[@melissasmuse]

87/100 It’s been a rough road…feels supportive to connect with this community here. And so sad to realize that others went through something similar 😔

[@ununhexium]

I got 47/100. I wish your results had a little blurb about what it means. I've been studying narcissism for over 4 years because I realized I only was dating narcissists. It led to me realizing the toxic behavior in my family. But it has been a confusing road because as your test states, it's only a moderate toxicity. But it was enough to ruin my self-worth and self-protection, put me in a constant freeze state, and only be attracted to abusive people. The good and bad sides of my abusive parent are difficult to reconcile. It's like they want to be a good person, but they're simply not. In some ways, maybe that even made it more difficult to spot, and it took me into my 30s to recognize their true nature and begin to reduce being triggered by them. Building on this test, it might be nice to do one that measures toxicity in how a specific person behaves toward you, not related to childhood specifically. My path has been all about trying to understand the abusive people in my life and how their individual behaviors affected me, but I struggle with gaslighting myself on what they really do. When I lay it all out, like, "they do gaslight me, they do refuse to take accountability, etc.," it's hard to deny, so a test like that would be validating for me specifically. I know other people who have higher scores need more help than me though and I feel for you all. Your videos are a gift Patrick! Thank you.

[@PrincessMicrowave]

I'm like this too. I got 61 on the test, but I could've scored lower on a different day because some of the questions are hard to answer for me. Im tempted to minimize it all. But it affected me a lot. Thankfully I married a good person somehow, but my sisters married horrible narcissistic men. I have a lot of problems.

[@ununhexium]

@@PrincessMicrowave I feel you. I answered very conservatively so our true scores are probably very similar. I'm glad you ended up with someone good - that only happened for me after I became determined to never date a narcissist again. I might recommend to you to try to learn about specific ways that abusive people talk or argue. I did that by listening to abuse recordings on youtube. I had a lightbulb moment when after studying those recordings for a year or two, I got in an argument with my abusive parent and they used every single tactic in the course of the conversation. My mind still tries to delete this knowledge, and I just have to keep reminding myself that I do know and I have seen the truth. And every time I talk to my family, I pay close attention to how they still are, and probably always will be, and I don't allow them to have power over me anymore (to the best of my ability). I also really recommend trauma therapy, especially therapies built for treating PTSD like EMDR, somatic therapy, and brainspotting. When I started EMDR my core trauma was around being bullied in school at age 11, but as I've peeled back the onion I discovered traumas from younger ages that I don't have memories of, mostly of being abandoned, undervalued, and not able to express myself with my parents. All of those traumas on the face can sound very mild compared to what other people have gone through, but all I know is the effect they had on my life (being essentially paralyzed and always in an anxious or depressed state), and how much better I am now that I have addressed and freed those traumas. If my traumas were mild and they affected me that much, it only makes me more certain that probably everyone should be undergoing these therapies. Maybe something more constructive than comparing our traumas to other people is to acknowledge the real effects it has had on our lives specifically. We can't rationalize away things like that, it's real. It prevented me from being able to do anything I loved, or do anything nice for myself for at least a decade. I mourn those times and remind myself I deserved more. I'm sure we all deserve more in some way because the world really isn't that amazing. I hope you find a way to take care of and heal those parts of yourself that do deserve healing.

[@allegraferrente7980]

If anything it can be harder to work through something when it's 'not that bad' because it's more tempting try to 'reconcile', ie. balance the bad with good. Bad isn't cancelled out or minimised by good. It sounds like you are too generous in seeing the good in people and situations, and that is something that will always give people opportunity to harm. Red flags are not to be collected like a bunch of roses, until you feel you have 'enough' of them. You do not need to understand abusive people, only to remove them from your life. Speaking as someone who thought similarly for a long time.

[@ununhexium]

@@allegraferrente7980 Thank you! That's very wise and helpful. I think I have learned that when someone demonstrates an abusive behavior, it is a very serious choice they made and is really only the tip of the iceberg of their underlying beliefs that allowed them to be capable of such a thing. But I do still find this knowledge difficult to put into practice. Thank you.

[@catserver8577]

Got an 86 out of 100. Kind of surprised, I thought it would be much more mild than that. The only way I've usually gotten an inkling of how bad it was is the reaction of various therapists I've had as an adult. I've always half-jokingly said ""It's not like we were barefoot and begging on the street, or working in a child labor camp.". It's something my one of my parents would have said, for sure.

[@percypino8962]

My father always said: "The children in Africa are starving and have to work hard. Don't complain! You're fine!"

[@hannahpaul1988]

86 and a bit surprised here too. I thought I might get 70 🤷‍♀️

[@catserver8577]

@@percypino8962 It's possible we had the same dad. LOL. I once fell from the top of the basement stairs because of snow on my boots, and I screamed all the way down. He said "People are watching tv up here, stop that screaming." When I told him, from the basement floor, that I had fell and I wasn't sure if anything was broken, he said "Well get up and find out.". When I was able to stand up he said "See, you're fine". Cut to narration: "But she wasn't fine. She had fractured her foot, which untreated developed a bone growth and tendonitis that would haunt her for life.". I'm fine. No really, fine. Fine.

[@DawnDavidson]

@@catserver8577Fine indeed: “F’ed up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional”. 😂 Seriously, though, I’m sorry you went through that. No matter where we all score on these tests, it doesn’t make what we endured ok. Even if it “wasn’t that bad,” it was still “bad”.

[@PrincessMicrowave]

Yeah it's crazy that we grew up being taught that the standard of parenting was to have food and clothing and a warm home, and thats all you need and you should be grateful.

[@just_sum_punk]

98/100. This is a test that I wish I scored lower on. I'm already in therapy, but I'm glad to confirm my suspicions that I survived absolute garbage circumstances and I am grateful to be continuing to work on my stuff in a safe way in therapy.

[@fundingbears]

I really liked that you acknowledged that some toxic parents cannot or will not change. I never felt safe coming to adults when I was in school, so the only people who knew how bad things were for me (albeit, only the cliff notes) were other kids. I often got told that the way I viewed my mother was harsh and unreasonable from other kids who just did not understand the consistency and severity of the abuse. I don't hold it against them, because we were all just kids and I recognize that their situations were completely different, but I'm sure if they were in the DCS meeting when my mom said, "I'd rather die than take care of my kids", they'd think otherwise. She passed away earlier this year after her liver failed. Some people do just refuse to get better. Thank you for these videos and tests. It's done wonders for me in my recovery process and has helped me to stop gaslighting myself. 98/100 tells it all.

[@Bronte866]

Not some - almost all.

[@melissab3217]

(Update: I got an 85/100.) I always start to forget how bad my relationship with my dad was because it's been so long and we're low contact now. I find myself needing to go back to my memories to validate that yes it was awful, even though he no longer treats me this way. I'm curious to take the test now.

[@shatteredscry]

You should. I turned back after my dad chased me out the house and got harassed more down the line. Not in a 'he's beating my face blue every time I come around' way, but 'a ticking time bomb that you're trying to hold before it goes off' type of way. My boyfriend makes me feel obligated to visit my family cause they keep enticing him by being nice: it's crippled my life.

[@BarbaraM-lv7pe]

shattered, I realize relationships are give and take, but don’t let anyone “make you feel obligated” to return to your FoO if you’re not comfortable. You don’t owe your FoO anything anymore. Don’t compromise your mental health, self care is your priority

[@GregLionProductions]

I'm intrigued and terrified simultaneously lol

[@sorkiemernie]

Same 😂

[@erikavaleries]

I took the test you posted previously and got extremely toxic. It was a thorough and great test! I needed reassurance from an expert.

[@MsLaylla]

Hello, can I ask you please where can I find that previous test for family toxicity.Thank you

[@sillysnek9357]

​@@MsLayllayou can find it in this video description actually

[@erikavaleries]

@@MsLaylla It was in a previous post on KZbin but not the other sites.

[@Kas_Styles]

I got the same as well. 90 out of 100

[@MsLaylla]

@@sillysnek9357 Thank you I found it. 91/100

[@laurabates8783]

I knew my whole family was really really messed up generationally but we just got a full house on the toxicity test. We’ve been completely estranged for 4 years now, Going no contact is truly the best and healthiest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

[@NunYaO]

After having multiple therapists who openly cried when I started to narrate even small portions of my life; I realized that I must have been raised (and continue to be in) a toxic family. I no longer discount my experiences as 'less' traumatic than someone else's...

[@fiercerodent]

I took the test and found it helpful but I feel families like mine are rarely represented, in a way that I struggle answering the questions properly. Like when it asks if I ever experienced my parents denying the abuse. I was too frozen in my fear to ever challenge them. If I had I'm sure they would've denied it but it barely ever happened. Or the other one, about chaotic and extreme reactions to emergencies. My parents just didn't deal with those, so I can't say I ever experienced a certain response. There was no response, except mild annoyance maybe. I know there are more people with these experiences, but I often feel like the odd one out bc my parents were stable, well adjusted middle class folks, they just didn't care for us. They didn't need to hit us to instill fear. They didn't need to cross boundaries to act narcissistic, they just really didn't want us to be there. I think if my siblings and I had died, they would've been relieved. This level of neglect is abusive in its own right, but the fact that I've never really seen it represented made me think it was all in my head for many years. I've never seen a test, or a video on types of abuse, or anything of the kind that truly felt familiar to what I went through. This channel has gotten closer than most, but I've never felt truly seen.

[@TejubescDM]

In your case the worst option applies, you were scared to confront your parents bc you knew it will make things worse. They didn't care abt emergencies - also the worst option. Stay strong, there are people with similar experiences.

[@akacicaa]

That was 😢 to read. Its severe neglect.

[@abzdudy1]

I know what you mean. Performative and doing bare minimum. But actually don't care about you or show any interest in you at all from about adolescence. Infantalise and only really talk about you in a positive way when you were very young and could be controlled and moulded. I understand.

[@arrrr5859]

⁠​⁠@@abzdudy1I felt the same way while taking this test. Your comment made me feel less alone, and I hope mine does too.🫶

[@xoxablade8345]

Pretty much relate to this. The parents barely reacting to emergencies happened most of the time, but there were moments like this one I remember, My dad was taking my lil sis and I home from church, he gets a call from his parents and finds out his grandfather died. He goes stone quiet and cold. I picked up on it instantly and got scared. I didn't care a thing about the family member that died. I was just ready to get home and away from my father's silent... rage was it??? I don't know. It weirds me out to this day. Its so unsettling to witness it though.

[@epochabi]

this was more validating than anything lol. the extra info in brackets is game changing. i LOVE the "sexual off behaviour" phrase and will be stealing it when talkin to my own therapist bc WOW.

[@nulledabyss2230]

I didn't even need it defined the first time he said it in a video, I immediately felt what he was talking about. incredibly useful to have it put to words.

[@haunted_mortuary]

Yes!! My dad would take me aside at age ten in private convo that my mom refused to have sex with him or wouldn’t have enough sex with him so he’d have to force himself on her 😅

[@EarInn]

"No healthy frame of reference" and "no help/confirmation" were major confounding factors for me. I lived alone with an aunt in the country (no near neighbors, no way to go places on my own). There was no one who witnessed what happened at home or saw how the aunt talked to me and treated me. It was always emphasized that I should be grateful to be living with my aunt after my mother died (at 3) and my father abandoned me (at 6). I was in fact physically safe with my aunt. I was not safe when I lived with my stepmother and I was very aware of that difference.

[@MsLaylla]

Thank u Patrick for all u do for us Trauma Survivors 💜One of the biggest chalanges for me is to see and admit and realize how bad it was.Cos people and the world around me says different...

[@slimsonite2111]

It's very interesting having memories pop up and viewing them from a different lens. I guess that's part of the process...realizing how bad it really was 💖

[@volatileviolett]

Just took the test and my score was 98/100. I always thought my family was toxic but not as toxic as other families, but I did experience emotional and physical abuse from both parents. My brother neglected me my entire life. The rest of the family on both sides neglected me as well. I developed hyper independence as a result of all of this and I'm still trying to get beyond it as an adult. Thank you for creating this test. Your videos are very much appreciated.

[@amybailey5355]

I hadn't realized the level of enmeshment until a parent started talking about a random place in a way that made me think they thought I should know what they talking about, then I asked "Oh, did you live there?" They stated "I can't believe you, yes WE lived there!" So I asked when. It was when I was 2. I'm suppose to remember living in a place and the entire community and what it looked like from when we lived there for a single year when I was two years old. I'm not my own person when they are around, I'm just a possession, they are the only one that exists in the world and apparently everyone is suppose to have their memories. But they can't even remember my birthday.

[@Onetwelvefourth]

Sounds exactly like my mother.

[@megan5873]

My sister just told me she is sick of me making everything about my feelings when I have just literally forced myself to have courage to express my feelings to her for the first time. No wonder I feel terror at the thought of being assertive because my family gets so personal and nasty

[@taylormeyers4802]

Took the test and got 91/100. I keep thinking maybe it wasn’t as bad as I think but your test is proof it really was that bad. So glad I’m working through it in therapy and have been over 1 year of no contact.

[@scarebears3359]

Oh NO, I got a 5. 94/100. Part of me feels irredeemably broken and part of me is like "well of COURSE I've gone on to struggle with a shitton of mental health effects and homelessness and inability to exist peacefully in the world. Of course."

[@morebirdsandroses]

99 out of 100. I'm still struggling really getting that it really as awfully bad as it was. I'm not just being sorry for myself or "making it out to be worse than it really is". Quote my mother, often. It's a horrible relief if that makes sense! I can finally stop fending off the knowledge and emotions that make for such awful tension! Thanks Patrick and all you others who share this knowledge and your understanding. ❤

[@sydparrott8552]

At 32 years old, I wish this information would've been available to me in my adolescent/teen years. But I'm doing fine, and I'm grateful that this video is out here for everyone, especially for the younger generation. Thank you!

[@kahlodiego5299]

Therapists told me "let's keep the focus on you."

[@OuchingTigerLimpingDragon]

"Okay, let's discuss how _I_ was damaged by the actions of these people and systems then, shall we?" (I'm joking. Like I could ever be that bald and assertive to what I perceive as an authority figure!)

[@eq2092]

Took the test scored 92 out of 100. Yeah me I'm a high achiever. I'm off of work next week and will take a day to start calling psychotherapist to see if i can find one to do a diagnostic on me.

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

Ask how much experience they have with severe trauma. Not all therapists are good for us high score champs. 💯

[@WildWestSushi]

i thought i would get 50 to 65, but got 85 instead, which aligns with me not believing myself on what i experienced from family

[@mirandataylor6385]

I stopped trying with my parents. I completely went no contact and my life has improved for the better.

[@georgies347]

88/100 extremely toxic and yet my siblings denied me of my abuse when I spoke out, telling me I had a privledged upbringing. They were part of my abuse though, so they won't acknowledge anything. I was the scapegoat child, I still am. My dad is financially abusing me still. I found some of the questions difficult to answer as well because my memory is so limited from my childhood, which is a sign of trauma in itself. I remember being constantly bullied by my sisters and brother and had my mum place the blame on me for it and then put me down too for being the problem. Then they had a great time after laughing amongst themselves while I cried for hours in my bedroom. That's my main memory that happened on repeat regularly.

[@michellehuggins9716]

The #3 contempt and criticism is a classic example of what my older sister would say to me when I asked her for any help.So my parents in a classic codependent relationship but my older sister is the toxic one and loves to criticise any success I have and hates it when I garner any attention that should otherwise be on her….wow….thanks for this…I went around for decades thinking I was fundamentally flawed…

[@moony6408]

As a ND person, this test is really hard for me to take because the rules are not clear enough. What makes something "somewhat frequent" vs "very frequent"? Particularly when it's talking about abuse or emergency responses. "Abuse" is a very large umbrella and I'm not sure if I'm overreacting and emergencies didn't happen that often, but my family did always have negative reactions to them.

[@slimsonite2111]

These tests aren't for us NDs. If you have to ask/take a quiz, I think it's fair to say there is toxicity 💖

[@jessmtnz]

Lol took until my late 30s for someone to tell me our physical punishments weren't "normal" and it wa sinfact abuse.

[@shleebeez]

Im not ND but I wondered as well. I thought real emergency situations didn’t happen often, tho they made a huge fuss about everything almost, so I wasn’t confident about scoring for that one 🤷🏻‍♀️ still got extremely toxic anyway

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

I didn't need to, but took it out of curiosity. I think if you take your time and answer as honestly as you can, you'll get an accurate score.

[@evs9949]

I still found the test somewhat useful even as a ND person, but I feel ya. I overthink the options typically and I also famously hold grudges. Which is not to say bad stuff didn't happen to me - I do believe I am not wired to have the most positive, pragmatic outlook on life though. In the end what matters is how the stuff that went down affected you. And if you are left feeling traumatized, that is not up for debate.

[@d0g-eat-d0g]

my brother and i have been tackling our family's trauma together and this has validated me in a way I have never felt before. thank you for everything you do.

[@BlackjackMain]

I'm 22, and this is what I'm choosing to watch on youtube. I view many other similar things, so that probably is communicative of something.

[@matthewzimmerer3329]

I took it twice 79 and 80. Thanks Patrick. This is a big help because in my family everything looks okay on the outside, and I've spent my whole life believing there was something terribly wrong with me even though I knew things weren't great at home.

[@hanabanana8127]

I see your scoring system of one to one hundred and raise you a thousand

[@LittlePunnkk]

When you say "be careful not to label someone as extremely toxic when they are moderately toxic", it is kinda risky to say that. I tried so hard to resistthe urge of devalidating myself and going back to the old "it wasn't that bad, im just making a big deal out of it".

[@Grey_Warden_Invasion]

I got 65 out of 100 and my first reaction to that actually was, "Oh well, that's not all that bad after all. Looks like you're just blowing everything out of proportion like you usually are" while just some small part of me in the back of my mind was like, "You really think that? That result already is extensive toxicity."

[@mjaye1712]

I haven't taken the test, yet my family system (immediate and extended) was 6/6 from the video. My siblings are much older than me. I remember being maybe 4, and my teen brothers told me to say something to our sister. It was a mean statement. Fast forward 8 years. Our sister was married with a toddler son who was just learning to talk. She taught her son to say "Daddy Dumb---." Horrifying stuff like that was commonplace. Our parents' marriage ended in a dramatic and dangerous way. I remember being in groups in which the incident was joked about. I got counseling in college that was life changing. None of that stuff was ever funny. It never will be. That was a long time ago. About 10 years ago, I was invited to an event at the home of one of my brother's adult children. By then, grandchildren (all teens or early adults) were in the mix. I watched them mock each other mercilessly, openly ridicule, laugh about horrific events, etc. None of the parents intervened, and neither did their parent. I have not spent time with them as a group since, and most of my individual relationships with them are minimal or no contact. It's just not healthy and the dynamic is the same.

[@alllscination]

Thank you for developing this test! I took it three times and scored in the extreme toxicity category all three times. It really is very confusing! From the outside it probably didn't look so bad and physical violence only occured a couple of times but growing up with parents fighting constantly and my mother blaming me for making everything difficult and my father either being apathetic or siding with her while my sister was the only one who was giving me emotional attunement at all and taking on the mother role for me with our constantly boundary crossing mother as a role model... It just adds up. Psychological damage was done every day. I was the scapegoat. My mother hoped that having a second child would be the glue to bring the family back together and save her marriage. Doomed to fail. I never felt loved and like there was a cloud of hopelessness just hanging over me that I'm trapped in overwhelm and exhaustion. I'm still exhausted almost 15 years after being able to move out.

[@ryank6322]

What is it with people thinking adding more kids to a toxic situation will somehow make it better? This seems to be an all too common belief.

[@Monipenny1000]

97/100 Not surprised! I've been in therapy for a year and have cut toxic family members from my life, starting with a brother over a year ago and my dad and a sister since last March. The hardest is my dad, yet he was the primary who created most of the chaos in our home.

[@venus22118]

Wow! I just got 96/100 in the test 😮‍💨 Thank you Patrick for making it. It is REALLY confirming for me 🙏💖

[@chelseabunker2391]

Thank you for keeping it real. It blows my mind when “mental health professionals” continue to discount someone’s experiences and perspectives despite their education and the power differential with clients/patients.

[@_M-L-E_]

Patrick, I can never thank you enough for your content. Thank you once again for being a guiding light.

[@Cassie-pt7mt]

When we did a family intervention for my Dad and sent him to a rehab for alcoholism, the therapist that helped us said that we were the most dysfunctional family he'd ever met. I'm so proud. Being the Scapegoat in a raging, abusive, neglectful, alcoholic family during my childhood has left me broken beyond repair, I fear.

[@haileyt857]

100 out of 100. I feel absolutely crippled and paralyzed to do anything to get myself out of my situation (I still live with my main abuser thanks to her sabotaging my attempts at leaving - threatening to simply kick me out on the street or demanding more money from me). I don't know how to function like an adult. I don't know what to do.

[@ashandthecats]

absolutely same situation. I was never thought how to function alone, instead my spirit was slowly murdered throught my life. don't know how to function as an adult, am paralyzed every single day, can't make a single change, barely leave my room, still live with my parents. I don't know what to do or how to ever scape this situation. I'm drowning. I understand.

[@CoraFrances]

I already had to stop at the " siblings are harder on each other" part. I had to go NC with a younger sister for that very reason. I didn't expect to become so emotional from that one part. It's been over 2 years, but I think it's because it's the holiday season. Her rage and the verbal abuse hurled at me was both terrifying and heartbreaking.

[@ozskzkizz]

Hearing you on this. The holiday season in particular brings up wounds I've long been working on healing. My (older) sister cut me, my husband and our unborn child off 19 years ago. It took 8 years for the first wave of recovery, then only just last year did I finally feel free from that "if I just keep my foot in the door in case she or any of my other estranged family come back" duty. Their healing/recovery (or not) is their own discovery to have, as is mine/ours. Wishing you gentle peace this coming festive period.

[@Kelly_Grey]

I was trying not to be overly critical when I took the test. Got an 84, right on the tipping point between severe and extreme toxicity. I actually laughed a little because it is validating. Brainspotting has helped me so, so much. Given me love for life for the first time, really. And I think everyone in the world would benefit from using a light box. ❤

[@missriss_xoxo]

Seeing this while you’re crying hysterical on the way home from Christmas because you know, family!

[@artisticflower]

My score was 50/100, which makes a lot of sense and also put me in a place of questioning if things were really “that bad” when working through it as an adult. But they were! I deserve to acknowledge it, too.

[@jillainenewman1358]

Nuclear. That's my prediction for my family.

[@xYSarenArteriusxY]

Thank you for the test. It's good to have a quantifiable manner of knowing how toxic a family may be. I got a 71, but went no contact with my family two years ago. 71/100 doesn't translate to the "Oh, it wasn't that bad. You know how they are, you have to be the bigger person!" that people keep telling me in an attempt to break my no contact.

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

Other people don't have to live your life for you. I never regretted going NC in two and a half decades and still feel it was the best decision I ever made.

[@ryank6322]

The gall of those people telling you how you are supposed to live your life..

[@anniemac7545]

I'm 64 and I KNEW in my gut growing up that there was something really wrong with my family. This led me to digging into my family / parents when I was in my 40's when the internet was in its infancy and there was hardly any info about Narcissism. When I found what the problem was it was like a siren going off!

[@jennifermartin8584]

Growing up with Alcoholics has been eye opening. I had no idea how it affected me. I have found Alanon which is a group of people affected by another persons drinking, to be very helpful and supportive. 🙏🏼

[@thesehandsart]

That tests is incredibly validating, thanks Patrick❤

[@samfinkjensen]

Unclear if it's just my internet but the link to the quiz now just reads "Hey :) This typeform is now closed"

[@halloduauchhier]

Exactly

[@Zimbertica]

I got an 87. I was raised by a narcissistic devouring mother. My younger sister was the golden child. Constantly compared to my younger sister who was popular and did all the sports and was in band and a cheerleader. Perfection was the standard and if it wasn't met, it was humiliation and criticism and withholding of love and affection. Examples, if I did dishes and didn't get one dish clean, it wasn't just the one dish I had to rewash but every single dish in the house or if my room wasn't up to par for random inspection all of my belongings were dumped in a huge pile on the floor and the rest of my day was spent putting everything back. Clothes folded military style and bed made with hospital corners--imagine military basic training my whole childhood. My father was a truck diver so he was gone 2-3 weeks at a time for a weekend off in which he was doing chores or errands or whatnot around the house. With my mother, very much #1, #3, #4, #5, and #6

[@ewazakrzewska4448]

Hi, I just took the test. I got 95/100 so 'extreme toxicity'. That's why I am estranged from my parents. That's why I built a better life as a psychologist and psychotherapist. Life can be rough, but I try to do my best. The test showed me again how bad it was and why my decisions were correct. Thank you, Patrick!

[@Rogue.29]

my dad got all 6 toxic signs. for one question, I wish it separated emotional from physical and sexual abuse- very frequently for emotional, little to no physical/sexual. 94/100 it is really sad how miserable and hateful my family was. thank you patrick.

[@TheLiberaceTheory]

Uh oh I got an A+ on the test …,,, well, I guess my GPA is gonna be lit at graduation😅

[@a.b.2850]

16:28 I had to deal with this when I took my son to therapy. First session with the shrink, I took the time to explain the situation, but once with my kids he told him to basically get over it, that he’s his dad so he needs to accept he’s like that and love him as he is. Furious doesn’t make it.

[@jewlzbulls]

93/100- i kept my parents on a short leash and my sibs relationships with me have been destroyed for over 20 years. I am thankful my hubs helps me through and is very supportive

[@Deafkid97]

I scored a 96 🎉 (Thankfully I have a therapist who is super helpful! You seem to be doing amazing work & I am incredibly grateful for the way you have opened the gateway to helping others heal)

[@linhuang5267]

98. Kind of surprising. I knew my family was very uncomfortable. I didn’t know it was so bad. Thank you Patrick for validating the survivors using a quantifiable way! You dramatically reduced my cognitive dissonance in 5 minutes.

[@joyful_tanya]

Unfortunately I had a perfectionist OCD Dad, Narcissistic mother and a sociopath stepdad. I'm the scapegoat but since I went no contact, my adult daughter is now the scapegoat. The golden child also reports being "messed up". I scored 97/100. I'm 57. And very shut down. My 1st husband was abusive. My 2nd w/ cptsd as bad or worse than mine. So, here I am, binging Patrick and crappy childhood fairy. Taking notes. Thank you for your work.

[@janettemartin4604]

Jay Reid is also very inept at all of the idiosyncrasies of the scapegoat child family upbringing!

[@Tracy-xe9zu]

Hoo boy. I got 90/100. The real miracle is that I'm not a lot more fucked up from it than I turned out to be.