Narcissistic Families: Pseudomutual, Pseudohostile (Conference Presentation)

[@carolinekamya2339]

In life I have found, some people rather LOOK GOOD rather than DO GOOD.

[@mercurialmom-qk9me]

Thank you, Dr. Vaknin. This lecture about pseudo-mutual families, perfectly describes my family of origin. I’m 53 years old and went no contact with my entire family of origin four years ago. My life is infinitely better today than it has ever been. My only regret is that it took me so long to see things clearly.

[@nowtsoqueerasfolk]

Trying to please a family with no substance is dangerous to one's soul. Sacrifice that and you've lost yourself forever. The levels of coercive manipulation for apparent harmony are frightening.

[@mabdewn]

I only became aware of these terms a few days ago. I was aware that the family dynamic was corrupt and fake, but whenever I said this, I was always met with complete silence or told by my mother that I was deliberately difficult. For the longest time, I did consider the option that perhaps I was a nutter. Maybe I did have some mental illness. But in the end, I was right. I stepped away from it and I feel much better

[@annak6537]

Professor Vaknin, or Sam if you prefer, I was blown away by your detailed description of growing up in such a family. I had to repeat some of your statements several times to grasp the power of the words used to describe that pathological situation so effectively. This work changes consciousness, which changes lives and in turn, hopefully, changes future generations. Just imagine how much more productive, harmonious, prosperous, and psychologically secure millions of people could be decades from now, when we can name these hidden abuses, assess the harm they do to society, and make them immoral or illegal!! I am so grateful for all the “aha” moments. This is not only mind-expanding but also relevant to the times and indeed very helpful.

[@f.p.r.2658]

My experience has been that the narcissistic leader of the pseudomutual family will isolate each family member and create a pseudohostile relationship with each. So at the high-level or collective view, the family acts pseudomutually with everyone following the official script of the narcissist because at the individual level everyone is profoundly enmeshed in the pseudohostile, blackmailing and emotionally manipulative relationship with the narcissist. This is one of the reasons why such architectures tend to see the union of a narcissistic parent with a psychopathic one. The psychopathic parent is the shell entity pulling the strings of the narcissist (presented as the leader to the exterior), while the narcissist terrorizes the children directly and peripherally other family members insofar as there is a tangent upon their interests. The psychopath retains all utility from this dynamic, i.e. whatever they need (shelter, money, food, sex, the facade of normality) while the narcissist is able to exercise narcissistic abuse and gratify and regulate their ego vicariously through their victims (mostly their children). However, the narcissist is under constant checkmate as well: in the game of mirroring and manipulation, the psychopath is bound to win. The children of such union tend to have insecure, fearful and avoidant attachment styles. They develop pathologies like BPD, APD and neurotic manifestations such as anxiety and depression. They will themselves oftentimes be high in narcissism and psychopathic traits. BPD itself, the most likely outcome of all this, is nothing but a different extreme of secondary psychopathy compared to ASPD. Thank you for this video Prof. Vaknin.

[@minikorsi]

You just described my soon-to-be-ex husband’s family to a T. No wonder, he became a narcissist, betrayed our marriage, humiliated me in every possible way, pairing up with a borderline who now gave birth to his illegitimate child. I’m out!!! I’m fed up with this f***ing society that breeds narcissists and borderlines then let them ruin lives left, right and centre. By the way, he had the same sense of humour to Prof Vaknin, that is so unique to cerebral narcissists. But no ability to genuine love and compassion…

[@Nickpaintbrush]

So pseudomutual families seem like one or two of the parents are conditioning the children to be passive to any abuse taking place within the family!

[@thenas6101]

@@Octarin and when you put your childs every whim above everything else, you get a spoilt brat narcissist.

[@denisei5367]

And then those children grow up to continue to be passive to any abuse taking place within their social circle or workplace……. Conditioned…….programmed……..

[@Dan_Chiron]

No, they teach you anything they do to you/other people is righteous. How can anyone be "passive" when everything works just fine? If they hit you you might be angry, but it's not wrong because you misbehaved, still you can defend a person when you think they're helpless or being mistreated. Mind is very complex, let alone human relationships, please don't make these shallow assumptions.

[@leiamorris4947]

Could you talk about what a divorced parent can do to help the child resist these dynamics at the other household please?

[@yamlwoz]

That's totally the case with me. I wasn't allowed to have, or show any emotions on my face. Not allowed to be upset, in physical pain, 'too happy' and definitely not angry. I had to just silently take anything that anyone dealt to me. I'm late 60s now and still can't ask anyone to be kinder or change their behaviour towards me. The guilty party, my So Sweet In Public mother, is still alive and still trying to slice and dice me with her vicious tongue in private.

[@breemorrison901]

My Narcissistic mother was always extremely uncomfortable with any show of emotion, particularly crying. When I was a young teen, I had my first break-up. I came to my mother, crying, and seeking comfort; instead she was disgusted with me. She shamed me for being so "unstable," and thus began her campaign to destroy me- even going as far as to convincing me to sign myself into a mental hospital, so I could get help with my "problems," before I further hurt our family. She even signed off on unnecessary rounds of ECT, later playing innocent with me (and everyone), insisting that the institution had initiated ECT without her consent. I was physically unable to cry in a public setting (even funerals) until well into my 40s, and I have never regained the respect of the rest of my family, as they still believe I am "crazy," since I followed her advice and sought help. In one move she incapacitated me and undermined my credibility with everyone. Only now, well into my 40s, with weekly therapy, do I recognize the sick, jealous nature of the woman who raised me. I wish that I had doubled down on my attempts to break away from my family system. Perhaps I could have stopped my son from becoming like his grandmother.

[@tinachristine4573]

This is a very important topic.

[@samannep]

I read your first book with an online emotional support group in 2002. It gave me the opportunity to remove myself from my mother ,it also gave me the fortitude to maintain emotional boundaries. I am lonely but no longer a volcano of rage and self-loathing. Accepting that my mother couldn't ever love or care took years to understand. I'm glad I have stumbled upon your channel, so I can thank you for your incredible work.

[@gingerandgray]

*”If we want your opinion - we will give it to you”* 👌🏆🔥🔥🔥

[@yamlwoz]

Still terrified of my mother. I'm 67, she's 88 and I think I've said no to her about 3 times in my entire life. Of course, it didn't go well. Whenever I needed help as a child, I was made to feel like such a burden - shamed and criticised with a 'Get out of my sight' to finish off. Now she expects me to be there for her every need and whim. Did that my whole life and it got me nothing. I'm just now going low contact and grey rock. What a huge amount of courage it has cost me.

[@SarahSkinnyJeans]

I had/am havibg this EXACT experience. Goddamnit. I wish my parents were just healthy and normal. I have a hard time saying no, also. As in my mom and dad don't let me say no. Smh...

[@yamlwoz]

@@SarahSkinnyJeans it's so cruel. And evil IMHO. I'm so sorry you're going through this 😥

[@SarahSkinnyJeans]

@@yamlwoz it's honestly confusing to me and makes me very angry but I don't realize it at first and then later after I leave her presence or something, I feel enraged and don't know what to do with those feelings. Even though I'm aware of these things now, these tactics or just like.. how she is, as her kid, I'm still confused by it and don't know when she's doing it

[@yamlwoz]

@@SarahSkinnyJeans I understand. You only realise what she did afterwards and are then angry with yourself. They are very clever unfortunately.

[@denisei5367]

I get what you mean about probably not ‘enjoying’ your talk, but it lifted my heart. You described my family. Thank you. In my mind I always called it ‘fake nice’. My mother and father were king and queen….can do no wrong….always right. My two siblings and I never had close relationships. (Maybe always secretly trying to get more love or attention than the other). Pleasantries spoken only. ( unless speaking behind someone’s back..and then you would get all the attention in the world) Always having to defend your opinions or outlook on the world. I was invisible, unimportant. Even during times when it would have been very helpful to ask me questions or advice because of my knowledge in my chosen career…..never. They could never let me believe that I might know something they don’t. Unfortunately it took until I am in my 50’s before I could no longer put myself thru it any longer. I’ve been using the term ’cult’ in my mind too. I would think to myself, “I will not drink the “koolaid!” You make me feel validated. In my world right now, where I don’t even think my husband understands when I try to explain it…..you have brought me to tears. Thank you ❤️

[@j_u_ss_y]

I can 100 relate. I hate my family, but I can't allow myself to hate them without ending up hating myself. I have my ex in my head telling me he couldn't live the rest of his life with me because looking at me reminds him of them and how much he hates them. I don't even blame him at this point.

[@inkanafiji3851]

Double bind ! Story of my life. I’ve read that those who impose double bind are double bind “personalities”. For instance : mother is abuser but cannot tolerate the thought that she’s an abuser. Or she is not capable of intimacy and at the same time she cannot tolerate that fact.

[@tl3429]

Superb! I grew up in a dogmatic religious setting, served in the military, became a constant people pleaser...Always felt uncertain & invalid, this information helps my feel possibly I can find the real me even if it's painful. It's REAL. Thank you for sharing your knowledge in a simple way 😊

[@carolagores1895]

What a beautiful, deep, passionate, empathic and even loveful seeing has come out of surviving!

[@annemarie9980]

This whole topic sounds all too familiar to me...helpful reflection...thanks Sam.

[@nicolefernandez3078]

I have been listening to you for quite a while now and I could never really pinpoint my narcissist’s reason for not separating/individuating due to the particularities of his story and relationship with his mother. It is easy to understand now, looking at it in the context of the whole pseudomutual family dynamic. Thanks again for the continued insight.

[@amandawallace9425]

Mic drop- my family / myself pre healing wrapped up succinctly in one video. Bravo and thank you for what you do!

[@remyragnarson7891]

this was an brilliant watch professor.. I've been a listener for five years and this hit me differently, felt like it connected for me some key pieces about my family. As a golden child I had to perform to get love and it made me an appeasing histrionic in adult life..

[@inkanafiji3851]

Total menticide served by my mother to all of us. When I was 30 I’ve been already subconsciously convinced that I might get possessed - by my fanatic religious mother, at any attempt to have a will. Suffering and loving someone who caused pain was sneakily conditioned and rewarded with “love” since I remember. Trying to recognise and heave a realistic picture of someone who caused pain as an abuser and call it abuse was covertly punished with programming that I have an evil heart if I see and feel this way - I vividly remember the moment I felt like I am disconnected from reality and there’s no escape when I was 7, but I can’t comprehend it till now. I still don’t see it as wrong, that far I was brainwashed. I can’t feel and perceive like it was wrong because probably I wouldn’t survive the reality. It’s like having been lobotomised the ability to perceive reality. I’m 36 and see no way out.

[@AlessandraLifavi]

Thank you Sam, very grateful for all your videos. In those cases the relations are abusive in a sneaky mood. The person suffers a deep loneliness that is rarely understood by others.

[@Lgaard1]

I think I grew up in a pseudomutual family. Yet, the goal of my parents was not to bind me with the family forever, on contrary, it was to program me to be economically self-sufficient and letting me go. This plan was executed by diligently sculpting my personality in line with my father's own traits. It failed badly. I ended up with diagnosed "mixed personality disorder" with many traits of DPD. I believe my primary individuation was incomplete, as I there was a lot of anxiety about "the outside world" in my childhood. My secondary individuation attempt (teenage) was ruthlessly pacified by my father. Now, my personality is very different to my father's, yet I'm unable to live my life by myself. I can only function in dyad with my romantic partner. As soon as the relationship is over I suffer severe depression... The cycle repeated several times in my life.

[@carlbinsted6307]

Once again Professor Vaknin you have hit pay dirt with me. You help me process my upbringing with true logic which in turn is helping me to be a better person. Thank you for all your perseverence in creating these informative videos.

[@sheilaflint1495]

Good morning from montreal

[@haben9464]

Thanks Sam! Please post more on family dynamics that have problems like these. I've been waiting for this.

[@tomastrajan]

This happened / was done to me, funny thing is that hearing this, lots of memories coming back which I was not aware of for decades ...

[@kellimeer3698]

Thank you Professor Vaknin. This pseudo mutuality applies to my workplace, one that I’m leaving in 2 weeks. They said, “you’re not a team player.” Well, it’s not even my sport!! :)

[@anastasiavoytehina4936]

Thanx a lot.... My family looked much like both pseudo mutual and pseudo hostile.... we appeared to be a picture perfect family in public and before each other.... but regularly we had conflicts that never resolved any problems.... it seemed like we fought for the sake of fight. It was ugly and traumatizing... and I was the full fledged party to parents quarrels since very early... I learned how to hate and abuse people and it became pleasurable. I spent years to stop being what I am or at least to control my abusive tendencies for the sake of peoplle I love. Still, sometimes when I am tired or frustrated I regress to that state....

[@merlisist]

You Sir, are a brave, wise man!!!! P.

[@marykathryn422]

Thankful for you, Sam. 🙂

[@leonvandersande]

Another piece in the puzzle for me. Thank you!!

[@biggj21]

Fantastic stuff🙆‍♂️💯

[@clooneytunes]

The dynamics of my pseudo-hostile family are exactly as you described in this video. I observed my romantic relationships getting progressively more destructive as I was simultaneously growing more successful in my dual careers and meeting all of my personal goals. I couldn't resist narcissistic partners despite knowing they were tearing me apart. The need to understand myself was dire. I believe linking up with abusive partners relieved me of suppressed guilt from abandoning and growing beyond my enmeshed and toxic family. However slowly, I am coming out of the mist. Typical for you to be 'right on the money' but I am particularly grateful for this video. Thank you for your brilliant insight, Prof.

[@wawcam6380]

My late grandfather was a virulent narcissist: After my father married, he maneuvered to exclude him from the family. So we grew up, me, my brother and my sister, far from our cousins and our father's family. Excluded forever. Today it seems that my brother is suffering from the same illness: Since his marriage, he has been hostile towards us, especially towards our mother to whom he was very close. He is becoming more and more isolated, he lies, slanders, confabulate and is paranoid. When confronted, he evades, denies everything or closes himself in silence... He is 41 years old...

[@davidmannion5362]

I actually did enjoy this lecture because it help me have a better understanding of life as experienced.

[@RRP9860]

I did enjoy it, hard to believe I'm sure, but true. Thank you.

[@KhemistrySet]

Wow! Wow! Wow! This was so illuminating! Thank you so much for this! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[@ElsaS-cs4jv]

Beautifully articulated. These family structures are alarmingly common with my clients and have transgenerational origins. The cult of family is rife. As a relational psychotherapist who works intersubjectively, it is so refreshing to hear you affirm that mental health is a relational/interpersonal phenomenon. That concept lies at the very heart of a contemporary relational approach.

[@georgeplattlynes11]

Prof. Vaknin, this was such an excellent video! Your insights are invaluable. Thank you.

[@maximejoly8525]

Wow, an amazing lecture! My absolute favorite of yours and I have watched many many. Thank you for your devout work.

[@LizJones0]

This is such important information Professor Vaknin. Thank you for breaking down some of the more nuanced and complex family dynamics for our clarity and greater understanding. Please do more videos on the subtle types of abuse which are not obvious and, therefore, go unnoticed (even or especially by the victim). The damage is huge and more cruel because overt abuse can be recognised. Children from pseudomutual families have many classic hallmarks of abuse but cannot make sense of it because their family seemed pretty "normal". It's harder to heal from something you didn't realise existed.

[@satabdimukherjee7491]

You explained it so perfectly Sir..Thank you

[@deepsoulsurfer]

I had the worst ever primary experience too. This informaton is so accurate and explains a lot of unthought known situations. Hvala

[@lisaadza4076]

Excellent description of this dynamic. The learned helplessness is similar to the act of Elephant Crushing. It creates a boundary of which nothing outside exists.

[@picinana6871]

And then there's the family's that feast on both these pseudo pshit storms.

[@JB-fe9dn]

incredible!! i know these dynamics very well. ty!

[@lotusrosemassagetherapy8134]

I have been researching my own mental illnesses and down KZbin rabbit holes for months. I finally self diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder which naturally led me to narcissistic mother videos. I married 2 years ago and it became quite obvious the toxicity in my once very close relationship with my mom. We drank together, raised my child together for 8 yrs, and spoke about being alone forever when it came to men. Totally dysfunctional. She is now withholding love, ignoring me and in any conversation we do have completely disregards my beliefs and tries to manipulate me, and she also is showing seeds of doubt in my child against me. Other than my current marriage (married at 36) I have never had a close ongoing relationship and neither has my 36 yr old brother. This video was exactly what I needed. BPD videos and narcissism videos have been helpful but the completeness of this content regarding family dynamics and dysfuntion has been most helpful. I very much look forward to more content on this topic. Thank you!

[@babytriss-5477]

I am in tears right now.. 😢 Just by thinking one thing that I wish I could save those innocent kids from their narcissistic parents to save them from becoming the narcissist themselves! But the one narcissist I know is now a grown up adult and a fully functional narcissist..😓 There is no way I can change the way he thinks or behaves.. Alas.. I feel pain.

[@davekumarr]

Thank you Samaharishi. The way the world is churning today, its becoming more and more obvious to me that this churn might be the churn of some kind of new multi-polar equiilibrium of the future. I really appreciate you availing these new and updated navigation tools for our world. Thanks again Sir & let's embark!

[@sharif50077]

All the dots started to align since I have found your channel. I was aware of many issues, but could not point a finger on the problem. I have started to separate individuate gradually and it's working !!. I am building a new paradigm and construct for me based on your videos. You are saving lives, and I wish you a happy and longer life.

[@brandnewyorker]

pure genius!

[@skeletonoutthecloset9235]

I hope the Minnie mug is alright, thank you for the lectures Sam, I doubt I will comment too many times but know that you're appreciated for providing the information and perspectives.

[@JC-jm6ql]

Everything rings true but I still, for lack of a better word, enjoy learning about the overall dynamics of the “why” for my family of origin. One point that stood out to me is the reference to these families being more of a cult. A therapist a few years back was very invested in my seeing that my family was more of a cult than anything else. I thought that was extreme at the time but years later it’s clear they were very, very perceptive and correct.

[@TA-ln8qs]

Very thought-provoking. The discrepancy between the belief/story of the family system and the experience of anxiety of the child--whew. Difficult stuff. I wonder to what extent these ideas can be mapped onto society/culture as the "family." We have so many people on Instagram and other social media acting like they love their amazing, perfect life, having "positive" cultural experiences like traveling, buying things, makeup, cosmetic surgery, etc., but we know at the same time how more and more people are suffering so much from terrible mental health states. The purpose of a system is what it does, not what it says about itself.

[@OfTheFountain333]

Invaluable - thank you so much. 🤍

[@tionytim3333]

By far the best lecture Professor!

[@sl3723]

Such an accurate description. Thank you

[@411w44]

Thank you Sam

[@MsNadineJ]

Love your sense of humour

[@Asad-zeetwo5241]

A key point for the one that needs to hear this until it's grained into them! 1:52

[@nettieharrison5286]

Thank you excellent material as always . I love ur honest approach

[@ewape1313]

Hallo Sam, the topic is super important and I look forward to continuing it. Your lecture is helping me to find concepts and words as to what actually happened in my natal family. It eases the tension.

[@משהדרום]

I had this exceptional right to split from this horrific mechanism of the narc' families I was grown as a child and then the family with my narcissistic ex husband ... At age of 60 God had his merci towards me and I was escaping these horrible mechanism . I am now recovering from all these injuries day buy day took much therapy . I am more positive and doing my best to rebuild my life. My 2 children are narcissistic . I guess I do my best to handle my life making the best of Grey rock attitude as I meet them .

[@thezly8947]

it was very informative,thank you

[@laylarahman11]

My family.

[@LaraKatarina]

Why I don’t know anymore who is the narcissist in my family? Is it my dad or my mom? My mom is entraind and is submissive but at the same time she is also very contolling, not kind and very narcissistic. She is watching my every little step and looking for the smalest mistake that I make so she can tell it to my father. I grew up being afraid of my father of his reaction and punishment. My mom knew that we were afraid of the father, so she would all the time threat us that she will tell us to the father if we were naughty. I was always observing how my mom was feeling. Was she in the good mood or bad, then I knew if I had to remove myself and spent behind the book like I was learning. I was fantasizing a lot. Outside the house I was behaving different than at home. I was happy, I was myself., I was safe. At home I did everything immediately as my mother ask from me, otherwise my father would get mad, because she would tell to him. My relationship with my father was clear. I resent him because of his explosieve anger, I don’t challenge him, there is distance between us, I don’t tell nothing about myself. I am adult now but still afraid of my father. The relationship with my mom is complicated. I can’t share a secret with my mom because she will share it with my dad. She was my only person at home to who I could tell about my things. At the moment she was kind of kind but later came the father to discus the stuff. She is always holding the hand of my father everywhere we go. She is searching his attention all the time. She is kind when we were alone at home without my dad. When he comes the atmosfeer charges, she changes. I have to walk always on eggshells. My mom gossips about me to my father. She hurt me so many times. My father is like God to her. But she is judging everyone. It is so strange. I had EMDR 3 years ago according to relationship with my mom. Since then it is going beter with me. Sometimes I think that my mom is a covert narcissist, sometimes I think she is codependant and my father covert borderline or maybe narcissist.

[@sitascott8446]

Hmm. My family sounds like the pseudomutual type.

[@Apr0x1m0]

If both parents are narcissists and they love and accept the first male child, molding him into one of them, but then completely ostracize the second son, even going so far as to turn the whole family against the second child, what would be the cause of that? The disillusionment of the marriage alone doesnt seem sufficient. Could, forced sex, leading to the birth be the main factor? Im 38 now and have never had my side of the story even listened to, only condemned over what has been said about me.

[@desertcourier7340]

Well this summed up my family perfect. Although my family did want me to marry, I rebelled and I FO and never looked back

[@karolinabraksator4522]

Professor, knowing all this things, how such parents affect children, how come Narcissistic parents are still allowed to see their children? Why courts give them permission to destroy little ones?

[@enricio]

😎. At 36.50 min.: I enjoyed it. 🔥. Mirroring themes in families cán resonate in people and therefore be heartwarming. My (narcistic) wife has a narcistic mother and IMMO two narcissistic daughters. God has lead me out of her life. I'm the third husband being disqualified (and dumped). My daughter (her youngest daughter) is the sixth child being disqualified. She, my daughter, has seen it all, with an Asperger's syndrome (blood related) father and a narcistic mother. As soon as the judges let her she'll run to me and we'll live in peace and love. So yes, your video makes me feel good. Thanks for the insights. I'm about your age and dealt with schizophrenia in the family from the age of six (my mum's youngest sister)....🤔 I studied family contexts and sociology for most of my adult life. 😎 Thanks again for making this video; you grab my attention. 🦚

[@franciscolarrazabal8924]

Good evening, Professor Vaknin, your videos have been a formidable source of information, thank you very much for your dedicated work. My question is the following, how do borderline mothers act, could you recommend an author who deals with the subject, thank you very much again.

[@babytriss-5477]

😢 More power to you Prof. If you don't mind, I wanna know how you were able to survive such a cult-like situation..? How did you become able to break those shackles and become free..?

[@yassanmollock]

Good afternoon professor Vaknin, your work is truly amazing and I keep listening to you. It's opened my eyes to many aspects of my family life and mine. I'd like to ask you about your opinion about sigma male concept which we can meet on Internet. Could you say a few words about that?

[@samvaknin]

One word: nonsense.

[@tessachaillou101]

Hi Professor Vaknin! I am interested in your opinion on “Beating Trauma with Elizabeth Corey”. Her blog can be found online, but she writes often of dissociating as children creates different parts of ourselves that need to be validated in order to move forward in our adult selves. Thank you for all you do!

[@lovelv1278]

They need to be validated and INTEGRATED BACK INTO US . WE HAVE TO FIRST FIND THE DISCONNECTED PARTS which means deep inner child trauma work . I just worked w a shaman and we did soul retrieval. My 2 year old HOPELESS SELF was found and integrated back into me as was my 7 yr old part who lost HER VOICE . These parts must be integrated in order to come back home to ourselves prior to the fragments /trauma .

[@jimmyboy4779]

Sounds like human society.

[@Mr_MHunter]

I enjoyed this actually, question: can this family cult system be healed through family therapy?

[@ElsaS-cs4jv]

No. Because narcissistic parents are unable to self reflect and the most common outcome is therapy in which the dynamic replays live and the victims are re-traumatised anew. I never suggest family therapy for any client from a narcissistic family - it is a notion borne of good intentions often, but is unsafe.

[@airadlab8626]

My mother has Npd

[@Sue-mn7gz]

It would be very helpful to hear a session on families where the oldest child, in my case the oldest sister, displays all the characteristics of a grandiose narcissist, a pillar of the community and yet........... In my mother's house, with her son following in her footsteps, we do not interject in sister and son's conversations at the dinner table, nor do we hold our own conversation over theirs. My sister belittled and manipulated me throughout our childhood and as adults she has effectively created false perceptions of situations to make me look as if I was unthoughtful, ungrateful, stupid or the guilt one. As far back as I can remember, she always seemed irritated when others, aunts uncles etc, showed affection and approval towards me. I did not give it thought till now in my fifties, after many years of youtubing narcissism. My mother growing up was manic depressive, emotionally abusive, and dramatic. Now she has graduated to being a failed narcissist, she is extremely hurtful, and now intentional - with me, she takes pleasure in it, just as my sister now does. My mother pushes me away from the extended family as if I am not good enough and also seems to be annoyed if relatives are affectionate toward me. In the past decade, false narratives have been at work to destroy that affection. The theme now is that I'm just jealous of my sister. I can say with out any doubt, I have never been jealous of my sister. I have always been troubled by her demeanor, selfishness and assertion of superiority. I always felt her and my other were destroying the family with their ways - I have gone no contact for good this time, I hope. To put all this in a broader context. I've come to the conclusion that my sister just never wanted me in the picture and that I was her traumatic event. My sister mother and father came to the United States first, leaving me and my two younger brothers behind for four years. When I was 7, my brothers and I followed. There are three years between my sister and I.

[@cloudybeforerain7134]

Hello Professor, what is the title of the video about the indifferent family? Many thanks.

[@amhazamhaz8439]

Dear prof. Vaknin I was married to a narcissistic family my husband was a narcissist and I whitnessed a lot of what you described in your video about pseudomutual family dynamics I have a son which I am sharing his custody with my narc ex he sees him two days a week for a couple of hours however the family wants my child I don't understand why they consider him to be one of them and they want him to be a part of them of a "cult" and I want to protect my child no matter what because I don't want him to be abused by such a crazy family, how can I protect him? Can you scare a narcissistic family away ? Can you threaten them ? Anything? I know they are afraid of being exposed can one use that for his advantage?

[@macnchessplz]

Trying to scare or threaten them will only make it worse. Limiting contact and teaching your child the opposite (healthier ways of thinking , behaving and being and that it’s OK to be an individual) is probably better.

[@The_Recoup]

How would a pseudomutual family react to the death of a close loved one? Act like nothing happened and try move on quickly?

[@samvaknin]

Fake grief.

[@The_Recoup]

@@samvaknin Thank you for your response, Professor Vaknin.

[@User2426-g5d]

Sam, I am confused. You say in most of your videos that the narcissist pushes the partner away when she tries to cash the check and tries to force him to marry or start a family. So then would you say that marriage can only happen in the beginning phases of the fantasy? You say they shun adult responsibilities, but majority are married with children. I know they don’t take responsibility, but still a lot marry and buy homes. When would they decide to get married and for what reasons? Sorry if not the topic

[@samvaknin]

Watch my video on the island of stability.

[@User2426-g5d]

@@samvaknin thank you so much 💜