HOW THE INSECURE NARCISSIST CAN TRIGGER YOUR INSECURITIES: 4 QUESTIONS

[@myinfocla9521]

“I need to establish my own sense of well being” I hate loosing my temper. I hate being drawn in. I need to work on responding not reacting. 😑.

[@sloo6425]

It's good, it's a good start. Often other peoples flaws and beauty that we see are obvious, but it's harder to recognize the good and bad within and it's not going to happen overnight. You're with friends :)

[@suzesinger6762]

Take heart, Hun ! xx Think about ………..the words 'react' ...and 'respond'. Even the sound of those words are emotional therapy !?! We have to be thinking about ...responding...as/when we are attacked or abused. And responding - is not giving the Abuser- what they want. ;)

[@cuby1967]

MY INFOCLA , Sometimes they get to you. I’m getting better at it. I feel better just being me, that means smiling, But, he doesn’t like that. It makes him angry when I smile. So I didn’t know what to do for awhile. So now I just throw the truth at him calmly now. First angry now calmly. He doesn’t like that. But, it puts me in danger at the same time. He wants me to be miserable. I quickly go back to being happy. He will catch on an evolve. Like I did. He knows how to play that game well, I don’t.

[@DesertlizzyThe]

It's hard & I think many of us have a tendency to React to narcissistic manipulating behaviors bc they don't like to admit when wrong & not take responsibility for their actions or lack motivation to act upon what they need to do. They just complain & pass blame onto you - especially the weak covert narc'. They like pushing hot buttons to divert away from their errors, or to use as excuses, & never learn to look at themselves, nor consider what they are doing to affects your feelings. Its always all about them!

[@cuby1967]

Dee Johnson-Ewing , Dee, what do you mean by the (weak narcissist) ? Can you tell me what’s the difference?

[@debrakaiser7700]

This so good! I can relate so much when you said, "the narcissist shames you for being you."

[@azaramoon4027]

Quite.

[@amber40494]

My parents were experts at shaming their children

[@Victorialands]

Your videos have been a life saver. Not just at the early stages of figuring out what I was dealing with but all through out the process of coming to terms and figuring out what my next steps should be.... I no longer ask the question “why”. Thank you for this valuable service that you provide to us all. Eagerly awaiting your book by mail. Wishing you well

[@mercibeaucoup2486]

Tori S 1,000 percent this is how i feel

[@michaelking4578]

Proverbs 23:9 KJV Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words.

[@riyamitraministries]

Narcissists are very jealous

[@SnookOnTheFly]

There are quite a few other proverbs that parallel that

[@lifeslessons9889]

Mike . ME NEITHER .. And me too ! It's extremely wise .

[@lifeslessons9889]

I will learn those words of wisdom... Thank you for giving the opportunity.

[@kynathomas4809]

AMEN!!!!!!!

[@shelbylou02]

Their appearance of self confidence is part of their false mask. Very sad actually. 😩

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

es! Dr. C

[@stephiedrown795]

Yes, it is really sad. The fact of that sadness, the fact that I know that person is insecure, scared, can and has, seriously clouded my own efforts to protect myself.

[@KS-yf9nq]

I don’t know how each video keeps getting better & better!! You bring such clarity to me!!!

[@audreyandrea460]

No kidding! :) I'm do grateful to receive this *real* guidance and *true* direction.

[@scottalbers2518]

Secure people: 1. Like to hear from others, open 2. Admit flaws 3. Humble with success 4. Emotionally steady 5. Listen 6. Bring out positives in others 7. Authentic 8. Encourage others to be who they are 9. Not entitled Vs. Insecure people are: 1. Critical 2. Name calling, insults 3. Won't receive input 4. Anger, loud or simmering 5. Can't be vulnerable 6. Moods are determined by others 7. Have to have the final word 8. Highly defensive 1. Have you thought about what it is to be secure in these situations? Give it a lot of thought. 2. Can you remain steady and secure under attack? Think of how this must go. 3. Do I understand the difference between shame and guilt? Shame steals your ability to be yourself. She wants to shame you for being you, to attack your core dignity, worth, and character. Guilt is temporary, shame is forever. Really make this distinction. 4. Do you filter sense of security through other people's opinion. Your worth is a given. OBJECTIVITY is key. Narcisists want their subjectivity to overwhelm you. Stay objective. This is such a fantastic video. Thanks so much!!!!!

[@darlalong1957]

I misunderstood, shame. Thought narcs felt shame...then I thought, that can't be right! So, they want their victims to feel shame? Now, I understand..

[@t_nels]

Boomerang Communication 🪃 I think I got it! This made me realize how much I have to lift his ego up with. There is no talking constructive criticism.

[@Spootiful]

Made me understand, along with so many videos the past two years or so, just how stable and sane (despite my turbulent personality) I am and just how insecure and shallow a few others are.

[@tawnytuppence5573]

Guilt says, “I did something bad.” Shame says, “I am bad.”

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Well summarized. Dr. C

[@cuby1967]

Narcissist don’t have guilt or shame. They just stand there and grin at you as you bleed out.

[@angelinasouren]

@@cuby1967 Oh, they do. They just themselves much much harsher than we do.

[@cuby1967]

Melodyloveshorses1 ,?????

[@cuby1967]

Angelina WMG Souren , then why can’t I see it? All I see is evil, yelling, grinning, watching me pass out from low sugar. Like he enjoys it. I have no pity for him anymore. Is my husband different? Even now that he is behaving like his mind is going. He is only 55. How does one burns himself out sitting on his ASS? Is it the brain that got burned out? I do see him sad because he failed to control me. That’s when the manipulation starts. I turn my back or just smile like I don’t see it. Because I liked who I am. Not what he tries to make me be. Just his mere presence puts me on guard. My breathing gets more difficult. But, I hide it as much as possible. I forget my medications when he is around until I’m in so much pain I can’t stand it or my sugar is already too high. Why can’t I get ahold of this when he is around me? I live like an animal. Ready to fight for my life. There is no other way to fight. Before I lost my leg and I would be at the wrong place at the wrong time at a concert, I could always hold my own because I fight that way. I first learned it as a child and he made sure it stayed around. Even in my wheelchair when I’m alone I’m packing my loaded 9 mil under my amputated leg. 16 bullets, 15 in a clip and 1 in the chamber. I figured I would need some cover Since my wheelchair isn’t as fast as me. Not to mention I don’t plan on missing. It’s me or them. I have a disabled son to care for. I just don’t see it in my husband beating himself up over hurting his family. Where and when does this happen?

[@heatherwhittaker6169]

Thank you Dr. Carter. I feel lucky to have found you

[@aunahmaix3048]

Amen!❤

[@shonashonabobonna]

I agree. Dr Carter validates my indescribable feelings on the attacks on my psyche during my 8.7 year, I finally set a boundary and ended it, "relationship" with an every 6 months triangulating, gaslighting, projecting covert narcissist.

[@shonashonabobonna]

I'm just 2 weeks into no contact, and still love him but I realize how futile my efforts have been. I listen to these videos that are simply staggering in describing my ex. I now realize why I'll never go back and I'm trying to heal my codepency issues so that in time I will attract healthy men who are genuinely good and capable of being a part of a mutually respectful tful relationship.

[@cuby1967]

Me too!!!!!

[@jenniferAgbebiyi]

Me too!!

[@tomekamontegue5122]

What’s funny is that I feel guilty at times about not being in love with the narcissist in my life anymore. Thank you for this lesson.

[@ladennayoung2939]

No reason for that. We have the right to choose who we love in a romantic way or not.

[@Spectre8282]

Quote of the day: Nobody sees the provocation until the retaliation starts.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good one! Dr. C

[@jack727]

Very well put!

[@shonashonabobonna]

So true! Thanks for sharing!

[@cuby1967]

I know, that is so true.

[@avrilwinters]

where did you read this? Food for thought.

[@TM-hl9me]

"Guilt leads to restoration." Thank you for your heartening words, Dr. C. Your videos help to get objectivity.

[@reallifescenarios77]

Secure people are emotionally steady👋🏽❤️

[@debbiesmith5513]

I know now that my value as a human being is tied to my role as an Imager of Almighty God. No one and nothing can take that from me.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'm with you on that. Dr. C

[@SarahlabyrinthLHC]

Nope - NOBODY can :D

[@ssherman8609]

You go me too. Thank GOd we found out...pray for the ones who don't know.

[@ladennayoung2939]

Amen. I thank the Lord for that.

[@SteveWrightNZ]

The difficulty is, the narcs confusing array of bullshit is rather hard to treat as a rational topic, especially when they deliberately obfuscate it on the fly for the purposes of your demise. It's very easy to be caught up concentrating on their seemingly complex topic, when in fact it's yet another deliberate spin game to leave you bewildered and slip the knife in at your most vulnerable microsecond. Don't think for a minute that they are not expert at this game! One thing has made a huge difference to me, and that is the headspace app - this stuff starts to work automatically after a few months of meditation, it has allowed me time to process without being caught up in the deliberately constructed whirlwind. Mind how you go kiddies, and thank you once again Les.

[@joshuaarmstrong8664]

Also, if and when you decide to leave, remind yourself WHY you left, it will feel easy to possibly miss the narc, but 9 times out of 10, they will have moved on to someone else, they want you to beg on your knees for "forgiveness" or to cave and agree to shoulder the relationship, dont! They have never cared about you and wont, they easily discarded you because they dont care about you, remember why you left, they did what they did because since you left, to them its like you never existed, so they move on really quick, you deserve better, to be happy and safe, to be TRULY loved, not a slave, its not romantic, its abuse, to not be tormented and in misery, take your freedom and embrace it, take back your life, your power and your control

[@blondiegirl8273]

Your videos has helped me heal so much from the horrible abuse my ex put me thru, so glad I left him an got out of that pure hell !!!I believe they are truly evil an demonic ,mine sure was !!!!

[@alanaadams7440]

Glad you are healing

[@gill426]

"You can simply see it for what it is." Yes, that's such a good and full sentence. It holds so many layers of truth that you have to find out for yourself first. Detachment is what I aspire.

[@amberlynnadams3744]

gill426, Ditto here! Happy New Year!!!!

[@maryfarrell2296]

gill426 ~ Once you finally "see" You cannot UNsee!

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

Wow, I deal with this all the time. I want to discuss things but the narcissists in my life refuse to discuss anything. I have given up expressing myself in their presence. No matter how you express yourself, you're accused of being mean about it. I wish I had recordings in these cases. LOL I have noticed too that these narcissists are continually competitive about everything. I think almost all extended family members are everything you have described as narcissists. I think it is not only an insecurity but also learned behavior. Those who do not act the way these insecure people act are targeted for abuse. The narcissist can't stand that we are different from them. I have removed myself from as many extended family as possible, too much battering can lead us away from our goals and purposes. There is a lot of gossiping and lying to attack the one who does not walk in lock step with everyone else.

[@elainebines6803]

I remember meeting my husband to be, family. They did nothing but criticize performers on top of the pops. I was young and naive but that was an early warning sign. Something, as simple, as that 🙄

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

When they criticize others, eventually you begin to realize...I'm on that list too. Dr. C

[@MoMacLac]

@@SurvivingNarcissism My son has unfortunately learned this behaviour from the narcissist he's with, he was never like that before...

[@MoMacLac]

Of course, he criticises others, not the narc himself, he wouldn't dare, he's always very admiring of everything he does!

[@esinfa]

Before we got married my husband talked to his mother on the phone in front of me in a way that no son should, and I thought he won't do that to me. God I was naive...

[@sandyjamison5929]

When that's the only way they communicate IE believing they have the right to "teach" you. And they wholeheartedly resent a "partner" or "spouse" who is capable, experienced and independent. I wish I had spotted his facade earlier 🙂

[@robinmurray5266]

I had a coworker who recently mentioned she really likes the fact I listen to her and not interupt. I honestly never realized I did that and it took me by surprised. Not tooting my horn because i it actually made me smile. I know what it's like to be unheard....it's heartbreaking.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes...be the healthy alternative! Dr. C

[@artgirl7480]

Call me blondie The narc often chooses a scapegoat to take the brunt of their rage. He has chosen your 10 yr old. Document everything you can for the courts. Get legal help & get you & children away from him before their developing personalities are further affected.

[@casandraeriksen1736]

My worth, value, and dignity are not subject to public opinion polls. I love that. Thanks for your videos! So glad I found this channel.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'm glad you found us too. Dr. C

[@frky4fshn]

Thanks Doc! I appreciate your help so much! Your videos are like a clean drink of water after a long drought. Athough I'm not sure I'll ever be able to break free from my narc of 35 years. I plan to order your book, and continue to get strength from your videos. I do pray for a life of my own before it's too late. I just long to be me. I did stop believing his opinions of me years ago. But it's still very difficult. The fear he has created in me is very strong, and my support system very weak.

[@marcirobins5144]

How did they find your insecurities out? Remember when they were talking to you, and you thought they were interested in you? And they were so easy to talk to? They were collecting data on you to use against you later. Remember that the next time a person is exhibiting the same behavior when they meet you. Now you know.

[@heartwisdomlove]

i am secure enough to be insecure !

[@sabrinabartlett3664]

I would love to see a video on building your inner security stronger!

[@elliebyrd6231]

My ex is like this, she violated a court order and is in contempt of court and is acting like she isn’t going to get in trouble and like she isn’t doing anything wrong

[@veronicazrnchik9014]

Dr. Carter, you do an exceptional job at taking complex circumstances and braking them down to very digestible bites. So many have endured this type of abuse not understanding it for a long time--or maybe even ever. It only adds to the pain and heartache when you don't understand what is happening or why it is happening so thank you for providing clarity for so many. What would be great is if you could delve more deeply into the more severe types of narcissism--such as the malignant narcissist. While narcissism is narcissism, there are degrees of pathology--some worse than others. Just like cancer is always bad--but stage 4 or terminal cancer is worse than a milder or treatable forms of cancer. In the same way dealing with a narcissistic ex can be managed always with great difficulty, but in other cases, it can be near impossible to coexist with the narcissist on any level such as the ones who steal everything you have, destroy your name and reputation, damage your health, rob you of time with your children when they fight for custody but then ignore the children when they have them, etc. But they don't stop at that point. Even after all that, they quickly align with a new victim etc but still spend inordinate amounts of time trying to sabotage every move of yours and even of the children. The type who couch extremely damaging behavior in false concern. When they exert control over the children in various ways but insist that it is healthy for the kids and being done in with the best intentions. However, all being affected can see the real issues of control and the need for the narc to damage and get away with it. I guess that is the real bottom line for the malignant narcissist. They WANT to damage you. They enjoy the intentional infliction of pain and damage. They love NOTHING more than harming you by using the courts and the mental health profession etc. When they can continue to exert control over you under the guise of loving, caring and being "the responsible one" they are in their glory. To do this, they often convince the world that you are crazy, violent, irresponsible--even if that is the fathers thing from the truth. So there are degrees of pathology even among narcissists. Maybe it steps over into antisocial personalty disorder. But there are many whose ex's live to continue the torture and have zero boundaries to stop them from literally emotionally and spiritually destroying someone. Those who, even years after the divorce, still plot out very elaborate plans to keep harming the spouse who is attempting to escape their clutches. Those who work in earnest to destroy their own children while also working in earnest to erect this shield where it looks like it is all being done to benefit the child etc. Talk about when you are left disabled and destroyed and labeled as crazy and abusive by the ex. There are many times those accusations get taken seriously and the narcissist never stops using them against you. They build "evidence" by repeating the same lies over and over until someone believes them then they use that someone as evidence that the lies are legit. These personalities are much more pathological than the typical narcissist. They don't rest until anyone who escapes them or attempts to escape them is thoroughly demoralized and crushed. And then, even then, they work feverishly to maintain that circumstance. And also speak to the circumstance when the children ultimately begin to see patterns of behavior in the personality disordered parent. When the child begins to react to the gaslighting and the emotionally and psychologically abusive behaviors of the parent. As partners--those behaviors toward us tend to stress our mental health even as we have adult type coping mechanisms. Those behaviors do the same to the children of the personality disordered but the child/children lack the coping mechanisms and understanding that adults can have. Can you elaborate on how the parent validates the child's experience without speaking ill of the personality disordered parent. As we know, speaking ill of the PD parent can be harmful to the child even if it is the truth being spoken. Many would benefit from more in depth discussion of that area because it can be so difficult to validate in ways that don't cause even more harm . It can also be extremely detrimental to the child to ignore or invalidate their experiences. Also, more discussion on how the nonPD parent copes with watching the PD parent inflict the covet abuse onto the child/children. The PD parent, of course, uses the things the nonPD parent loves the most--and that is the children-- to keep hurting the other parent. They oft do this by covertly harming the children knowing full well the nonPD parent will have a very difficult time articulating how the abuse is taking place and the damage it is causing the children. Could you address this damaging situation as so many NonPD parents suffer through this. The child gets damaged while the nonPD parent struggles to help them cope and to cope themselves. All around the narc are people who are damaged and struggling. Meanwhile, the narc sits atop his kingdom being fed by the pain and hurt. This is a real and difficult situation to extract yourself from and many would like this addressed. Thank you.

[@colleenharris4811]

Good analogy of the different degrees of narcissism and stages of cancer. You've stated some really good points and posed some thoughtful questions too. Your 3rd &4th paragraph are spot on descriptions too.

[@cuby1967]

Veronica Zrnchik , yes, I wish to hear more about this as well. The third paragraph is exactly one of the things my husband still does. When are they a sociopath? He was already diagnosed a pathological liar at 25. What gets me is how quick he can disconnect and say what do you want to watch on tv. Also, after a big fight that left me shaking, he would fall asleep in five minutes. I couldn’t believe it. It was always like that. Sleeping and snoring away so quickly. Nothing bothers him. Unless it happens to him.

[@ijs2712]

alex cider I’m sorry to hear your story. Please don’t stay with this man. You are intelligent enough to realise his faults. He will never improve or change. You deserve a life without angst. X

[@esinfa]

I need help as well about how to protect my child from developing her fathers narsisistic ways, we are still togather but I'm planning to divorce. For the last 6 years I was in for the sake of my child but now I can see it is damaging to her.

[@bornoflovefirst]

So needed this. It helped me to realize that one of my hig problems has been that I've allowed insecure people to be a part of my inner circle. This has caused chaos as well as consistent pulligng out of my own insecueities rather than living from a place of power. My readiness to accept the character of others is great, but i was not exhibiting discretion in keeping those people in the outer circles of my relationships. So needed this clarity. Thank you!

[@runwiththewind3281]

Dr. C Thank you for helping me understand You have taught me a great deal I am indebted I am grateful Thank you

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you. Dr. C

[@lindacasadei3818]

You are the best!! You have helped me so much!!

[@serenityzander9277]

Would you mind addressing a future video to dealing with a narcissist who has also been diagnosed with early stages of dementia? Your videos have been a tremendous help to me so far and I thank you for making these available. I'm utilizing some of the phrases you've given and techniques (not arguing, explaining or defending) with some success. I believe adding dementia to the mix complicates things and gives her an additional dagger in her victim arsenal.

[@myinfocla9521]

Serenity Zander YES! PLEASE!

[@rbaker368]

A third ‘yes please’ from me!

[@cuby1967]

Me too.

[@JoannaGrantArt]

That would be hugely helpful; I expect to be dealing with that and my elderly narcissistic father

[@laurab.9845]

As someone who is dealing with a 90 yr old mother who said she has learned a lot in this lifetime but still has lousy communication skills....the older they get the snottier it gets. Thank God I live plenty far away n etc so can stay away. For my own sanity. The cruelty level seems like its on steroids a lot. It's tiresome ignoring the real harsh stuff so I don't call for a month or so. Gets tedious having to go through a lot of extra work to hold a conversation that doesn't end up crappy. It takes preparedness to deal with old narcs. They are still in denial, still lie, still demean and slander their own family and still triangulate. I'd really like to know more but Dr Carter's communication tips were a real boon. He's been a real blessing. I've tried checking out others to some extent but so far haven't found a whole lot of useful regarding geriatric narcissists.

[@nikkij7622]

Thank you for your time and all the information you share with us on this channel. I am very grateful for your KZbin channel

[@mrazik131]

Dr. Carter can you give examples of boundaries and how to keep them so I can have clear understanding,thank you your videos and books helped me! Sending love and peace.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Received! Dr. C

[@mrazik131]

Thank you I will look it up. I follow inner integration podcast by Meredith Miller she is great also has KZbin ,she helped me a lot!

[@tundeawosika4594]

@@SurvivingNarcissism I love you sir. Thank you so much... I'm a survivor.

[@maryleilavidal2426]

Dr Carter, you really are an angel. I've been listening to your videos from 4 nights in a row now while I fall asleep exhausted from the day. It has been so clarifying listening to you... I write this lines only to let you know how wonderful your work is. You have helped me see everything so clear. You really mean healing for my life & kids as is. I thank God I found you here! & also, I pray God for you, so blessings and well-being accompany you in every step you take. I deeply and truly thank you. From Caracas Venezuela Im sending you all my greatests wishes with all my heart! ♥️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Received with much gratitude! Dr. C

[@letgo1064]

What a nice gift to have found you even though I wish I had 17 years ago but your videos confirm I did very well all by my self. Thank you for that

[@bugerbeanjohnson]

Are there people that attract Narcissist like moths to a flood light ? I seem to be surrounded by them .

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Check out the video on Empaths and Narcissists. The empath is the flood light and the narcissist is the moth. (or hornet) Dr. C

[@FrakBeats]

Yes INFP's attract them like moths to a flame.

[@michaeljackson7361]

Yes you are probably empathic. Like us.

[@bugerbeanjohnson]

INFJ - T

[@angeni73]

Very true but when dealing with a Narcissist it's not worth the time and trouble to listen to the Narcissist.😊👍 👍

[@shaveerlove3781]

I agree with you on all of this but i also want to point out that Everyone has Narcisistic traits or has some narcissism but don't have NPD........Cover Narcisitic personality dissorder the person will gaslight you so hard you think your high or on another Planet... Big difference...It's like comparing kindergarten to seniors in Highschool........Narcissism or narcisstic traits isn'y such a big deal as long as there is no envy or delight in other peoples misfortune and empathy is present.....If your talking someone with full blown Actual NPD well you better run like hell......They are Pathological in every sense.... with envy , Gaslighting...Devaluing , stonewalling , lieing etc.... They are beyond calculating and methodical....#fact

[@colleenharris4811]

Good point.

[@CallMe_Blondie]

You are literally saving my life. I don’t know how to thank you enough, Dr. Carter. The holidays have always been tough for me, but this one has been so bad I even thought of flying to Texas and scheduling as much time as possible with you over the course of a week. I have a million questions to ask you, but for now I’ll keep it to these two... why does my children’s father only take his narcissism out on my 10-year old daughter and not my 12-year old son? Also, how is it possible that you know exactly, and I mean exactly, how my narcissist acts/reacts, how he treats me and what he says to me? I’m often very confused, and it’s been this way for 24 years. Why am I always so confused? From the bottom of my heart, thank you for any help you can offer.

[@artgirl7480]

CallMeBlondie Document the abuse of your 10 year old. Record it somehow on your phone or small recorder. Keep a log or journal of what he does or says. Ask a police detective what you can do. You are the only adult in your child’s life to save him/ her. Keep your children away from the abusive parent as much as possible. It is also traumatic to the older child to witness abuse. Wishing you strength and courage!

[@Holly-sq5uv]

My personal theory is that gender plays in, big time. I think that narcissistic fathers often have issues with their mother and with the opposite sex, stirring up past memories and feeling threatened when it comes to relating with women and girls. Narcissistic mothers have issues of insecurity and jealousy of their own daughters that may have nothing to do with the child. Being a girl or woman may be enough to stir things up in the narcissist, which means it’s nothing we have done it can do. Your daughter may be the sweetest, most helpful, quiet and obliging little girl and she’ll still be targeted or scapegoated. It’s not her; it’s them. We can’t always make sense of or make these relationships right. It’s just how it is and will be. I’m sorry…

[@katherineshaw1]

You can end the confusion you feel. You have been empowered now to know precisely what you and your daughter are dealing with. You write you've had 24 years of this. Is your confusion stemming from your questioning why you are "tolerating" the abuse and/or allowing your daughter to suffer his abuse, too? The "C" word "confusion" needs to be replaced with CONFIDENCE and CERTAINTY. Imagine for a moment, if you feel "confused," what does your daughter feel? Ultimately, the responsibility of your own and your daughter's well being rests with you.

[@annettemelonas2985]

BLONDIE, You been trained by the slap & kiss method. The result of this emotional abuse is to keep you in a state of FOG. Keep watching these videos & God speed on recovery 🥀

[@loripeters5304]

CallMeBlonde, FOG F Fear O Obligation G Guilt

[@jeanetteterry9386]

Thank you for molding healthy individuals in our society. God bless you Dr. Carter.

[@jeanetteterry9386]

You are simply the best! You are a blessing to our world and society!

[@carolnahigian9518]

Has the good doctor met my insufferable, over bearing; empathy challenged #1critic, KRN? He must have been spying on us! K always mad&always blames ME

[@bookworm8792]

The covert narcissist in my life doesn't say outright "you don't know anything", he uses sighs, eye rolls, the silent treatment, and passive aggressive reactions to polite requests to convey his opinion about my worth.

[@polskigirl8547]

Yes...that big thought bubble above your head.....something isn't right with that person but I can't put my finger on it...

[@kurtwilliams2604]

You have literally flicked a light switch on, and I understand now alot of what I've been dealing with from my ex-wife who keeps drawing me back into the chaos of why I left...Thanks and I look forward to all you videos!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Excellent! Dr. C

[@chrisa6455]

Looking forward to this

[@taragillette2189]

Very helpful Doc, thank you!

[@taniadiakoff8494]

My husband is a narsisist it Verry hard to live with them. He thing I don't have my own thinking

[@kbrown3787]

Spot on. Thank you for this, and I really, really hope you create audiobooks one day! It's always very calming to hear you talk us through this mess.

[@glamdecoradventures2747]

There is not black and white to this ... sometimes even primarily secure people can have their insecure moments and the difference is even if we slip up we realize it and quickly try to rectify the situation and don’t have so much pride that we can’t learn from our mistakes. That’s the difference.

[@colleenharris4811]

Yes. Good clarification.

[@LizCiccone]

I deeply appreciate your videos. They've helped me a lot. As for self-worth, not one iota of my self-worth is wrapped up in the opinions of others. If people like me, great, if not, I don't care. It's not my job to impress anyone.

[@DavidCarrollHHI]

Thank you. I literally can now stop and remember that I can turn to your videos for help while in the throws of attack. Life giving....

[@nutrigorgeous2736]

Narc Vulnerabilities, avoidants, covert game... truly life changing. 🎉

[@uncoveringyourgenius]

WOW!! This information is so helpful. It makes my ex-partner's actions much easier to understand the craziness I was living under. So glad I found you on KZbin!!

[@mirgam4652]

Thank you Dr. Carter for your such a fine videos, after more than 30 yrs of marriage I'm awakening and understanding why more than one time I had wished just die in my sleep, now I think there's hope.....thanks Dr. Carter

[@kathleenscaouette5304]

You are not alone..been there and I am still in it but with prayer and learning about what I have been living with it has made me a stronger person..

[@mirgam4652]

@@kathleenscaouette5304 thank u

[@shaveerlove3781]

Part 1 - I'm very familiar with the victim role of the narcissist but i am telling you that My father absolutely was one of the cluster B's ..He was an alcoholic and extremely abusive both psychologically and physically ......I did anything and everything to keep him from drinking....when I was only 11 my mother got killed by a drunk driver and I cried my self to sleep for a year straight ...That was so painful and i'm still effected to this day..I was a mommas boy...she did everything with me right down to playing basketball and going on my boyscout trips cause my father was always to drunk or or just would refuse to do that stuff with me....After my Moms death I felt so alone and My father would always make me feel insecure by emphasizing that he was all i had left and and make feel so insecure by faking illness and or always say that he didn't feel good ..That instilled a non stop feeling of possible loss and abandomnent in me and it worked...He was always telling me he thought he was dying..I was so young and after the loss of my Mom that was extemeley traumatic...I was so afraid to lose my last parent.....He was very very unstable...He even tried committing suicide one time and almost carried it out....That made me very insecure and created a severe fear of another loss in me ....Also he was Illiterate and could not read past a first grader...I was soo embarrased of that...I had to write all my sick notes to school.... combined with Illiteracy, severe covert narcissim or ASPD and alcoholism i was dealing with a monster you only would read about or see in a movie......He always played the victim and everyone always believed him..He was always the victim and never took responsibility for his actions...He was an expert at Lovebombing and showering with gifts when he was too abusive....Years later i confronted him about his physical and mental abuse he would get so enraged and deny everything.....He would Gaslight and devalue me so hard I thought i was high..He would call me everything in the book .....He would tell everyone how horrible a son i was and would even tell people i was physically and mentally abusive to him....His acting skills were beyond amazing (academy awards) and people believed him.......I saw his mask switch so many times it would be impossible to count and only now after reading and viewing all these videos i know what it was......He was beyond mean behind closed doors....Also I shared the same name as him and that made me even more embarrassed ,ashamed and insecure....I did everything and anything to make people think that i wasn't like him......I excelled in sports and became the star athlete in my small town but it wasn't good enough to get me to a big college cause my grades were horrible....Unlike my Father I am empathic and beyond codependent..I am super sensitive to other peoples pain and needs and often give when i can't afford it ...

[@m.j.2939]

So sorry for all of your pain x

[@shaveerlove3781]

@@m.j.2939 Thank you M.J

[@m.j.2939]

@@shaveerlove3781 stay strong you're worth it. I keep strong knowing that Jesus is the truth and the way. God will show us the path and He has led me to these wonderful people to show me what is going on. That it's not my fault that others take the path of the evil one rather than fighting him. We have the choice and your father chose. We are not accountable for their actions but we are ours. God bless xx

[@dawnlambert9369]

... I Love The Way You Have So Very Many Smartnesses ... I Hope I Have That Many When I Grow Up Into My BiggerSelf ... 😊 ...

[@peterk1837]

I am more at peace and turning less to booze to take the edge off some of the pain. Thank you.

[@evie7738]

I look like I'm the Narcissist. Constantly thinking and ruminating and talking about me! Turning into him! BUT NO. What differentiates us apart is that I have genuine empathy. GENUINE empathy. Im introspective, and I make huge mistakes. I love people who are real, who are kind, who make mistakes and know. WHO loves a superior know-all, special , non-human??? If they're always right, what are we? Thank-You Dr Carter x

[@juliecrapsey8426]

How do you know if someone is a psycho path or if they are as you said confident. Secure person.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Their "confidence" is grounded in a complete lack of regard for others, which tells me this is someone who has given up on love and heart connections. That's not the sign of a person at peace with oneself.

[@PlantPerfectGina]

I'm so thankful for your videos! I feel like I can breathe again now that I understand what's been going on with the narcissist in my life. It seems to be easier to deal with since it's someone who is not my husband. Also, a friendship I broke off a couple of years ago....I now realize the person was a narcissist! I'm beginning to feel like a narcissist magnet! lol

[@marypirasteh2359]

Thank you Dr. you’re the best ❤️🙏🏻🌹

[@lifeslessons9889]

The trouble is I saw factors within the 'insecurities ' in myself.. My narc sister and I were bought up by narc parents , though she was the golden one and resulted in being all my parents aimed fir ' clever, career minded, successful in career and someone to boost THIER ego' I however was the sensitive child who fought really hard to be accepted, and seemed I failed . I'll never really know what my negative parents thought of me , they never told you your grand points , only your ( in THIER eyes )your failings . My sister is an egotistical women who loves to belittle where she can , the superiority is sickening. Yet ...though it's taken me 58 years to see it ...I now see her as a jealous individual who really is likely to be very insecure herself! My only route out of their grip ( though my father is passed and mother failing) is BLOCK and WALK ! So, I have , it's an amazing feeling.

[@veenomie]

This is a very good video and thanks for sharing. I'm going to share this video with others, as I feel that you hit a deeper issue of the "narcissist," which is that they dont value their own love and most notably they arent SECURE in their own self-love of love....in a deep sense. Thus, they struggle to take criticism m, even healthy criticism, as they dont have the secure place of inner love to fully grasp that this is coming from a place of love. I however don't like using the word, narcissist...as I think that the word is often in appropriately used...I think that all so called narcissist have a view of the world, which looks at them at the center of the world. However, I think that what people often label as narcissism...is a person who ascribes to lucifarian values...hate, manipulation, selfishness, etc...which a person with a me-like personality may not necessarily do. I knew a lady who was very me-orientrd...but she did not ascribe to lucifarian values...rather, she would say and do things like...I did this because it was what I was taught to do...I did this because it was the right thing to do...etc.. This was annoying to some...but it was very different from what most people label as narcissism...and what should just be labeled as another form of lucifarianism.

[@dlg2411]

Thank you so much Dr. Carter. I stumbled onto your videos about a month ago. I spent years angry with myself for getting sucked into the webs of the narcissists around me, not knowing how to deal with them. Not only do you help me deal with the people close to me who have strong narcissistic tendencies, but you are helping me on my own journey of emotional maturity. I am so encouraged and hopeful!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased. That's why we are here. Dr. C

[@sammyl.h.p1010]

I have an example of guilt/shame that was a result of induced conversation wi passive/aggressive NPD sufferer bf of 3 yrs and my “healthy boundary “setting response to it this week.ok so I’m in the discard phase again,and coming to terms w the undeniable proof that I’ve just been in a very toxic and at times dangerous, abusive relationship that seems to have hijacked just about every area of my life. I’m nervous, w a couple diagnoses myself,in medicated,confused, and just helpless as to what is real or alternately real” truth,his truth,my truth, actual truth, & often feel guilty for being bated and end up apologizing for my negative reaction to it?!!? I (I lost my train of thought here, ) Iwow

[@forensicbadassprofiling]

I was worn down to become an emotional wreck as an abused person by the narc. I became insecure and angry and name called became defensive, but only after trying everything else if obeying, or trying to talk and asking simple thing thatd get so mind spun... so this gets confusing. Now that I have no contact w him, I feel like I'm finally getting back to myself. I have healthy friendships and realised I've always been secure until I fell apart then got myself back again. The narc can seem emotionally steady w this monotone type thing and would criticize like a Chinese water torture over years and years I finally broke into a wreck if am angry mess. I felt so shameful I even tried taking my own life bc of the behavior I became. Also codependent as I was and partially still am, I see many similarities of codependent and narcs. Dependantcy. Shame. Narc parents abuse. Denial. Lack if boundaries. Control issues. So this can get very confusing Dr Carter.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You deserve so much better. Practice self care. Dr. C

[@forensicbadassprofiling]

@@SurvivingNarcissism yes I do Dr C. Thank you. It took me a very long time to break free from this man. Now that I'm on my healing journey, I'm not in pain like I was. I'm not walking on eggshells. I'm making my own decisions and trusting myself again. I'm in counseling and learning the codependency to become independent. It's almost an blessing bc my awareness and identity opened up where I'm seeing life at such a whole new perspective. Learning about the differences between narcs and trauma bonding has helped immensely. Many thanks and hugs for all you do to help guide us through.

[@umamaheswari7387]

Hi Sir..Amma.. . You are a guardian angel in the sick room for me .. When I listening to you I feel like my Mother talking to and giving support to me which I lost her when I was a baby. .No words to Express the gratitude I felt towards you..it really helps me to deal with. My covert Narc Husband..I hold on with my patience.. especially during extreme gaslighting. Thank you so much.. educate me more sir.. since I need to survive for my little daughter. Thank you sir..take care..

[@miiakristiinasiimesto6352]

I am a Cancer patient and I believe that this Cancer IS indicating me not having stood up For My rights of Me who I am. And Cancer IS only a physical phenomenon about mental and spiritual wrongness on My Life . Yesterday I was told that this someone is not Jeaulous about Me except when You exercise things He Loves while he needs to Be at Work. And I could not believe My Ears. A Cancer patient taking care of Her mental and physical condition IS a Reason to someone to Be Jeaulous about. Oh My Lord. In My Mind I should Be supported and Be Happy not giving up instead.

[@MrQuagmire26]

Thanks Dr C. You are helping me to see the narcs in my life for what they really are.

[@Sheywh12]

Does a Covert Narcissistic ever not speak badly to you like you describe except when in a rage Another words only downs me and cruelty and shaming and blaming when in a rage...Or a discussion that I don’t agree with like I’m not allowed to have opinion It’s like a child who get shear he likes he’s great to deal with till he opens his mouth and tells you everything about him work etc Do they literally all talk about their past and your skipped over as if you never existed Another words it’s always the past I wasn’t in his childhood his teens his early years etc. Then when I ask about us and future and plans and what we want to do together that’s when it goes out the window!! It’s like I’m running the Marriage and all’s fine as long as I don’t complain or ask of him??? Is this normal I lived with him for 28 years I never saw my Narcissist Mom in him I never new Their was a name for her or my step jerk Although I saw in his Dad and in his brother and in family even I didn’t fit in I never was excepted then when they all died left etc. It was just Me and Him I breathed and it all came from nowhere!! Scared me to death it’s like Jekyll and Hyde eggshells everywhere Help me Why can he act like he don’t fit this criteria then He does?? Are their differences in Narcissist?? I’m 55 I’m learning I’m Empathetic and I need out financially I can’t get out I’ll ruin my credit I have to get bills he racked up in my name down I’m in the house first I’ve got to sale the one thing I always wanted and waited till I was 48 to own!!! I’m so confused 🤷🏼‍♀️ anyone??

[@s.s.8029]

These are all so true. It took me a LONG time to figure out that I wasn't the problem. My two of my husband's three sisters treated me like crap! I finally figured out that they were so jealous because I married their brother (who was more of a father figure to them). One sil is particularly meddlesome and never owns her own poor decisions. My husband can't see that and most people see her as nice and helpful. I have realized that these people are often sales people or have to convince others to "buy" who they are My father-in-law is a boss and not a very good one. One sil is also in a bossing type position and the other sells for a MLM, so they have to sell their products and ultimately themselves! My husband can't see how toxic they are and why I don't want to spend time with his family. So shallow. I am so glad I have found myself and not allowing others to bully me anymore. I am, once again, secure in who I am and I am teaaching others to not let others drag them down. Often, it ISN'T ABOUT YOU!

[@dmoorephoto]

You have been a lifesaver for me. It’s amazing how I feel so validated now and I don’t feel like I’m the crazy one

[@kesmarn]

Having just been through the attempts at creating holiday drama by the narcissist, this really resonates. Thanks so much for posting it. And -- on a more superficial note -- if the shirt/sweater combination was a Christmas gift, whoever gave it has excellent taste!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks. I'm a Mr. Rogers, cardigan sweater kind of guy anyway. Dr. C

[@kesmarn]

@@SurvivingNarcissism LOL! Wonderful. My kids grew up with Mr. Rogers, and they turned out to be really nice people. I think it must have been the cardigans...

[@m.j.2939]

I just had to deal with 6plus months of my husband complaining about going away for Christmas with my family and complaining about them of course the whole time we were there. Even our girls can't be bothered going away now due to his behavior. At least he has stopped the standard verbal abuse tirade at me after we leave home in the car. That may be due to the girls telling him to stop now though. I fear that by staying I have damaged them psychologically now rather than trying not to be a broken family. Funny thing is it's so much better when we are away and away from his family.

[@davidparker5439]

You have just described my narcissistic wife my. Daughter as just picked her up , who does not talk to me. Never comes into the house . She gone out .god knows we're

[@kobeyovr21]

Something that I experienced was that the person I was in a relationship with always claimed to be an "empath" and they needed to always be around positive energy. During our relationship I suffered a sudden illness and ended up losing my job. During and after my recovery, she began isolating me from many of the things I used to do and activities I was involved in. In hindsight, it was really her way of saying that she needed constant supply. It also showed me how narcissists don't want to deal with difficult situations, they always prefer a child like state of well being. In spite of the "depth" of our relationship, my "negative" energy was bringing her down according to her. What hurt the most was the many nights and days I spent listening to her emotional drama and dealing with her mood swings, and working with her, only to encounter a problem of my own and have her claim that she had given so much and she didn't think our relationship had a future.

[@thebluevelvetriver]

I'm going through this exact thing now!

[@JAS-co9dn]

Their problems are always your problems but your problems are always your own.

[@Wylding756]

Have you ever considered doing a video for the narcissists who want to change or are at least open to changing and improving their outlook?

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

If you click into the videos tab on our home page, you'll find the links to all our videos. You should be able to find some that address this question. Also, in the next few weeks I'll have a new one on this topic. Best wishes..... Dr. C

[@marywilsonvocalist2181]

his jaw dropped when I said I was a quarter of the people who should 'be having input on stepsons birthday...biological parents arnt necessarily good parents are they..step parents go the extra mile..though I considered his son's to be mine..to drive mine away and expect me to go to birthday for appearances sake..get naffed comes to mind...I am done.

[@joolsmusic1027]

My mom lies and triggers me consistently. Very covert Narc who lies and when I call her out, she goes off saying nobody likes you because you argue. I have asked what can I do different but crickets because she is so shameful of her horrible actions through out her life. Its a moot point because at 80 yrs she will not evolve our relationship. I've been here 4 yrs and it saddens me because it could have been fun and very healing. I feel as a empath sad for her because her pride and ego will not allow her to be vulnerable. I survived by being vocal and authentic and refuse to play her games. I will not play foolish games but learning to ignore although sometimes its just too much. She carries a bag of grudges around poisoning herself simply sad.

[@marywilsonvocalist2181]

I'm worried for me today..I feel so exploited angry hurt and blue all at once..I'll watch this maybe you can flick my switch..

[@gramadidi]

As always so informative. You not only present the problem but you offer solutions to help you deal with the problem in a very clear and concise way. Watching and soaking it in from Myrtle Beach.

[@litabagnas7584]

somebody keeps messing with my computer. These poeple ar really crazy...What do they think of themselves. Yes, I have a secure characteristics.. I think I will go somewhere they wont find me.. I can call 911 and have then arrested. Please trust that no matter what they say pr do, I won't cave in to what they want..

[@TC-gx3qn]

Does anyone else experience this? The narcissist is stressed out about something or fails at something (passed over for a promotion at work, etc). You can see it all over their face as soon as they wake up and they spend the day, not smiling, barely engaging when you speak to them, long face, looking as if someone ran over their dog, and then halfway through the day, ironically, they accuse you of being distant and as if you're somewhere else emotionally and not with them?

[@decoy2636]

You describe me pretty well here it seems. How can a man be so dumb as I have been in thinking I was doing the right thing when I stayed stuck and kept trying to be a better man, husband and father. She dumped me and now went to our daughters. She has expressed she wishes to come back home and I told her I did not wish to have her back. 25 years of her being sick and having constant medical issues that she was constantly complaining of have went away almost instantly so I must be the problem. I am sick knowing what has been taken from me by her withholding affection and the silence. I have nothing left to give or pay on my debt for abusing her decades ago in anger. I wish I had known then many things. I am afraid and get excited and jittery when she visits and am in pieces mentally scattered when she goes. Damn I do love her Dr. Carter very much and told her yesterday she was forgiven and I held no grudge. I only wish for her to be the better for my hurt. I simply have nothing left.

[@sensitiveone8305]

All of your videos I’ve seen have been helpful, but this one addresses the key problem I have. Thank you so much. I’m definitely going to watch this one again. I’m so glad I found you.

[@gaillewis5472]

Your eloquence and professionalism make your videos both informative and enjoyable. Thank you so much. Happy New Year!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks Gail. Dr. C

[@jimdaniel4412]

So many times i respond calmly they escalate til your done repeating yourself and your tone of voice starts to change..then boom..your yelling at me..and your not..they just confirmed they control you.

[@dawndeangelo6978]

Im sorry but labeling human beings , separates us , and this dr comes off as being “ “above” the poor saps of the world who are quote “ narcissist s” when in reality they are human beings that are struggling with a unique set of challenges because of a family they were born into. We all have our own unique set of issues that we need to heal so they dont live through us our whole lives . You act a little to “above” human beings , definitely not a good teacher . Your a divider.

[@shizzle1903]

My quiz answer would be none of these. I would feel like an idiot. I would feel like I thought I knew what I was doing and that I really don’t know what I’m doing. And I’d go down that spiral of low self.

[@cherrybacon3319]

I have my own insecurities, and they are mine alone. I don't blame anyone for them. My Ex used to use mine to fuel his supply and turn them against me. 🍒

[@kirstinstrand6292]

My objectivity is solid. I accept all of myself. Thanks for all your ideas, Dr. Carter

[@speckledove]

Can secure people be sure in most areas and insecure in a couple? I have some insecurities but most of it, I feel I am secure in - ex: I have some over emotionalism especially with my narc - I have some physical insecurities too and some doubts about intelligence - most of they traits i do have tho

[@marinahearle3225]

From all my heart - thanks. You are so calm and authentic in your way of conducting the message. Integrity and confidence are surrounding you.... Dr. Carter, be well. We will be too - using your experience and skills! once more....THANKS

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Very kind of you. Thanks. Dr. C

[@petabrown6937]

This is the best thing I could have heard tonight... Thank you! I see it for what it is and whew, I feel better about me...

[@Teacher369]

So true, so clear, so informative and soooo helpful. Thank you, Dr Carter ☀️

[@bobbibacha]

My mom told me I’m poison when she is the narcissist.....it’s horrible she said she’s going to every relative and tell them that I’m poison ☠️....I can’t tell my children as she has poisoned them and they will think I’m just trying to make her look bad so I only can talk to my husband ...my kids will never know what I go through

[@1ajtg]

Another brilliant video, appreciate your sense of humour too. Thank you...

[@marywilsonvocalist2181]

I made a tiny mistake in telling his x she welcome to him..no..that's true..oh my feeling better already..

[@MysticGwen]

It's like they're "SUPER IMPOSING insecurities" (fact) #enjoymars 🖖👥🖖