How the Scapegoat Child Tries To Love and Be Loved

In today’s video I explain the workarounds the scapegoat child has to make to sort of get the 1) need to be loved and 2) have their love valued met in childhood. The child’s unconscious comes into play here. I will explain the wisdom of the unconscious in this situation and how it allows the child to survive. Next, we will look at a specific unconscious workaround the child makes - developing beliefs that protect the child’s hope that the parent will eventually meet these two needs.
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References for today’s video:
Andersen, S.M., & Przybylinski, E. (2012). Experiments on transference in interpersonal relations: Implications for treatment. Psychotherapy, 49, 370-383.
Fimiani, R., Gazzillo, F., Fiorenza, E., Rodomonti, M., & Silberschatz, G. (2020). Traumas and their consequences according to control-mastery theory. Psychodynamic Psychiatry, 48(2), 113-139. doi.org/10.152...
Gazzillo, F., Genova, F., Fedeli, F., Curtis, J. T., Silberschatz, G., Bush, M., & Dazzi, N. (2019). Patients’ unconscious testing activity in psychotherapy: A theoretical and empirical overview. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 36(2), 173-183. doi.org/10.103...
Leonardi, J., Gazzillo, F., & Dazzi, N. (2022,). The adaptive unconscious in psychoanalysis. International Forum of Psychoanalysis (Vol. 31, No. 4, pp. 201-217).
Reid, J., & Kealy, D. (2024). Features of Pathogenic Beliefs in the Context of Childhood Maltreatment: Implications for Therapeutic Empathy. Studies in Clinical Social Work: Transforming Practice, Education and Research, 94(2), 91-108.
Silberschatz, G. (2005). The control mastery theory. In G. Silberschatz (Ed.), Transformative relationships: The control-mastery theory of psychotherapy (pp. 3-23). Routledge.
Weiss, J. (1993). How psychotherapy works. Guilford.

[@amberfuchs398]

We end up twisting ourselves in knots trying to get our "caretakers" to see, hear, acknowledge, understand, and meet our needs. It's tragic.

[@MS-sr6mj]

Hit close to hime. My therapist recently told me "It sounds like you have a set of imaginary parents." I have the real parents, who don't love me, and the parents I imagine them to be, who do love me, deep down. Finally reconciling the fact that they do not love me. Actions speak loud.

[@lulumoon6942]

That's profound. Truth brings healing, best to you.

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Yeah its a hard one to reconcile and takes a while to sit with and come to terms with. To realize you were "sleeping with the enemy" so-to-speak. We worried about wolves at the door, but they were already inside. Its sick, and weird, and tragic. So anyway, f*ck them and their heavy Karma, they will pay dearly at a later date, and are destined to repeat their loveless legacy. The scapegoats, the truth-tellers, are good-hearted and real. Our only job now is to learn from it, protect ourselves, learn to love ourselves, forgive ourselves, heal, and get on with life, with what time we have left. Do your best, be your best, nothing is arbitrary and its important work.

[@babyshooz]

@@HeartFeltGesture i love this! thank you for sharing encouragement!!

[@babyshooz]

your experience resonates with me. sending you hugs

[@kerry378]

They believe they love you...they don't know what love is for anyone

[@alicehenri598]

The most liberating feeling is moving on from the realisation that they don’t care about you and not caring. Be your own best advocate. You don’t need them.

[@AviannaLemonier]

I was born into a family with multiple narcissists on both sides. I don't really know what life is like without narcissistic abuse - that is all I have ever known. Not just in the realm of family but also in other forms as well like friendships, romantic relationships and even in school. Narcissistic abuse has been constant in my life. Sometimes it's sad to me when I think about the negative experiences I have had with familial relationships. It's hard not to carry the baggage of being constantly targeted by abusive family members from birth with you. Something that has given me hope and encouraged me as a Christian is the fact that my identity is ultimately in Christ - not in the things that people have told me about myself or done to me. My identity is not in the fact that I have family members who have done horrible things to me. It is not in the fact that I have been betrayed or in the fact that I have been bullied or in the fact that people have tried to isolate me. My identity is in Christ and He has provided me with a family through my brothers and sisters in Christ.

[@SRM-kh9eg]

I’m with you, fellow survivor. 🌻

[@tiffanytowgood5813]

I like your comments. I have found strength in the Saviour too.

[@mariecait]

❤❤❤

[@christinebrazis]

Love? I can remember living in fear and anger.

[@christinepizzi6197]

Got that...and protecting mother of my father that would never make fun of chubby daughter. My favorite "you think too much". Thank God for Nancy Drew books.

[@thisissarah815]

I was terrified of my parents too. Both of them but especially my father. I am 39 and I’m still afraid of men

[@christopherhearn4600]

Same, intense fear 😪🫂

[@Love2all-tz3fh]

Thats so interesting that the child who is scapegoated is the one who refuses to submit to being inferior and is relentlessly punished for it. Go us! ❤😊

[@helenebezencon8906]

This is brilliant (as always). Welcome back ! I think I have understood for a long time that a child needs to feel loved. That the child also needs their love towards their parents to be valued by the parents is a new understanding to me. And this second need, when unmet, explains a lot of suffering. Thank you !

[@zaimayamusic]

I remember days when my business was doing well and I just wanted my parents to be proud of me. Instead they said they couldn't understand how people could pay for the services I provided as a club DJ. I just realised that I have often felt like a fraud when it comes to the things I love and am good at, like I don't deserve it. It's good to finally understand what happened but it's hard to process.

[@lindac6919]

When I would get a new client, a new job, or a raise at my job; my mother would say "they shouldn't pay you that much."

[@TheREALLibertyOrDeath]

Licensed master plumber, my dad said I should fly a pirate flag off my truck and never gave me a single referral in 20 years. Worst part is I was an apprentice making 10.25 an hour when he said that

[@lindac6919]

@@TheREALLibertyOrDeath I had a Contractors License and bond in my state, I was a small Landscape Design and Install sole proproprietor. My Dad never sent me business; my parents always acted like I was some kind of criminal fly-by-night. Instead of my, or my recommendation...DAd hired a creep who had smooth talk and a crew of illegals working for him...Dad got rooked, the dude came back later and broke into his shop and stole ladders, tools, equipment. THEN the crew showed up at Dad's door and wanted to get paid; Creep told the crew that Dad had agreed to pay them directly. Dad acted like somehow it was my fault.

[@kttv9442]

@@lindac6919that’s nasty. I’m so sorry

[@ghostagee5232]

​@@TheREALLibertyOrDeathSome of the things they do or say are so evil, I still struggle, after thousands of videos to understand. Why the evil? Why?

[@mlakz7]

Thank you so much for your work Jay! Do you have any videos on golden child turned narcisstic siblings and the relationship they have to the scapegoat? They can have as much of a psychological impact on the scapegoat as the narcissistic parent.

[@adamflint2377]

You are so correct! My father and only sibling, a brother, were both brutal bullies in my life.

[@TheREALLibertyOrDeath]

Oh man can I relate

[@ghostagee5232]

My life' story

[@AnnK.-vu2yp]

We are okay to wait for your videos, we appreciate your service and the high quality content you provide :)

[@alizabettt]

I cried through this one. It is so true. Thanks for even knowing that this happens.

[@Twindragon-tu1wd]

Single mom w 4 kids . Born 1929 so a money lack mindset, multi generational lack mindset. I felt I was never wanted . Plus being lied to about my parents being married. That made me a bastard , illegitimate and being an empath I felt illegitimate from the psychic darts all those Catholics threw at me. ❤😂🎉

[@hellhathnofury-w3y]

​​@@Twindragon-tu1wdI am of the belief that those names/labels were introduced by evil and ignorant ppl years ago, and there were many who took off with it. No child is "illegitimate" thats not even the truth by a longshot. It wasnt about you, it was about their own lacking in valuing themselves. Let that go, bc it isnt true.😊

[@thisissarah815]

I’m crying too 🤍

[@wandawarren2593]

Great Job Jay!! The work you have done all these years has helped so many. I still benefit from videos you made 4 years ago. ❤

[@sheilawilliams9080]

This particular video gives me chills...Finally I understand my habit of being self deprecating and feeling the strong need to defer to others in order to be accepted. Both my parents demonstrated Narcissistic behaviors and conditional love. My older brother was institutionalized at the age of 5 (severely Austistic) and his name was never mentioned again. I was 3 years old at the time and I believe the threat of being sent away was used to stop me from asking where he was.

[@janisimleder9509]

This is so sad. My heart goes out to you. Greetings from Germany.

[@lapislazuliphoenix]

💔 How terrible they did that!

[@katiethepro]

Scary

[@Joelswinger34]

Hard to feel loved? I didn't even know it was a possibility. I still never believe I could be loved.

[@chilloften]

Constant feelings of…less than.

[@emilysarsden1710]

Hello, same as you here. I don't believe I can be loved.

[@ghostagee5232]

Me too. It's very hard because my mum really loved me. She died when I was 12. I just turned 47

[@chilloften]

@@ghostagee5232 We love ourselves.

[@lisamarriott4732]

I didn't even know what love was as a child. I am only just working out what love is and I am now 57 years old. ❤

[@David-eu1ms]

Better late than never.

[@kingbee9778]

The really lucky scapegoat child has a centre core of being grounded as his or her own mini shelter they can withdraw into. Books opened the world for me and gave relief from the scapegoat role. The undeniable aspect of the situation is the fact that the parents still controlled everything. I still struggle with people pleasing since it was crucial to navigating the narcissistic family system. Thank you Jay, for today's excellent message.

[@Khaegch-favh]

Why are you still dealing with them?

[@kingbee9778]

@@Khaegch-favh No contact with family of origin since 2014. That was when I had researched the narcissistic family system and understood the dynamics. When you grow up enmeshed in it as a child, you think all families are like that and you can be gaslighted into believing you are the problem. I have also enjoyed cutting off or giving limited interaction to other toxic people once they reveal their true selves. It's the only way to preserve one's peace and make room for healthy relationships.

[@ClickTrain]

The insight about the child needing the parent to value the love and attachment the child has for them is priceless. Thank you, Dr. Reid!

[@secondsightcinema3957]

this is particularly helpful for me. it validates ideas I stumbled into over decades of digging through the wreckage to restore a garden. wish I had had this as a light in the darkness 30 years ago, but this approach to therapy didn't exist then. the '70s-'00s were pretty bruising models for therapy that often blamed the patient for not responding to treatment that simply failed to see the dynamics you highlight. whole mentality wasn't, we don't have what you need, but we've given you treatment and you have failed to respond; you must get something out of being this way, which reinforced the already existing feelings of being malformed and the overwhelming shame. glad to have persisted (quitting was never an option), glad to have lived to see the punitive approach to treatment supplanted with models that actually allow for healing, inner reconciliation, developing resilience. thank you Jay, you're doing important work.

[@BronwynneBessette-v7s]

I would like my money and time back from the arrogant loads that did nothing but overtly harm me. You described these people very well. There was one magnificent guy at my university health service who gave me the best advice of my entire life at age 17 - go entirely no contact with criminally insane parents. “Find a way to do it.” But at 17 I was too scared of them. The biggest regret of my life.

[@Joelswinger34]

​@@BronwynneBessette-v7sI agree. No one seemed to "get it" about abuse until about the 90's, and even now a lot of therapists aren't "trauma-informed." Why would somebody go to therapy if they hadn't been traumatized? It's unbelievable.

[@hanniann_wenker]

In addition to DoctorRamani, Surviving Narcissism (Dr. Les Carter), I deeply appreciate, reflect on, and integrate the content of this channel. What makes your message/channel unique to me is the concise, consistent analysis of the patterns (what happens & the impacts & the strategies for healing). Thank you for your work & All The Best to anyone committed to doing The Work!

[@lindac6919]

Yes, and check out Jerry Wise and Patrick Teahan, too! The three you mention, and these two, are sanity-savers.

[@stclarence]

When I got my last graduate degree, no one went to my graduation. They said I never graduated and that I made it all up. Then they called a series of employers saying the same thing and that I had forged my transcripts.

[@hellhathnofury-w3y]

sick wasnt it, narc parents so jealous of the accomplishments of their child that they would choose to destroy him. More typical than you know.😊

[@mac-ju5ot]

My own father couldn't believe that I graduated. ...it's beyond rediculous isn't it ?

[@streaming5332]

They are clearly delusional.

[@BAsed_AFro]

Sounds like some cowardly copout stuff for the lowbrow set going on there.

[@Hayes2703]

That’s very sick behaviour.

[@maidinthamiddle]

I used to say about my mother long before I know what a narcissist was, "it's like I have value to her, but I'm not valuable.

[@janiebankston2003]

😮I could never trust my parents to understand what was wrong with me .

[@anniethompson1041]

You're the most insightful guy on the internet, thank you.

[@nolankylie]

This was amazing information and explained so much about myself that I didn’t understand. Thank you

[@mlebrooks]

I was a first grader who spent my limited allowance on a #1 Dad mug for my dad for Christmas. He said I don't drink coffee so he put it in the cupboard and never used it. I took it to college and used it ironically and it was a big hit. My dad saw it in my dorm room and took it back. I don't know what to think. If he understood the sacrifice and effort in getting it why not say thanks so much I love it and take it to work and quietly dispose of it if he didn't like it? Why shame me for being a loving little kid? Why keep it unused for 20 years in the cupboard? And then why steal it back when it wasn't wanted in the first place

[@angelwings7930]

That’s is strange. And heartbreaking.

[@sam12587]

When I went to move out my mother wouldn’t allow me to take about 25% of my stuff. It just disappeared. Like hand made vases and artsy stuff. The items suddenly reappeared in my mothers house a decade later. Her response was I’d get it back when she died. Her golden child son fleeced her death for every drop he could and I wasn’t able to recover most of my stuff. Some stuff will just never make sense.

[@hellhathnofury-w3y]

​@@sam12587been there.😊

[@hellhathnofury-w3y]

control, supply...sick stuff. It wasnt about you.😊

[@visitorcat9153]

Your story reminds me of when I was the same age and was first buying Christmas presents for my parents. I bought some pink bath salts for my mother and a calendar for my father, since I would see him checking a similar calendar on the wall, and now he would have one for the next year. I don't remember my mother's reaction to her gift, but I remember my father shaming me because the calendar was a promotional one from the drugstore and "you didn't even pay anything for it". I remember my older siblings joining in on the ridicule. I still find it difficult to buy someone a gift or accept gifts ( gifts for the scapegoat within the narcissistic family system always had strings attached.)

[@lulumoon6942]

Also, I've habitually picked partners that are miserable at the exact moment I thrive or am happy!

[@nimrodelbeats]

Jay is back. ❤ Jay, I participated in your 2 min survey. The longest one you'll get is mine. 😅

[@iamjustsaying4787]

Try to narcissistic parents. Both resent you because you are smarter kinder more charismatic and more attractive than your siblings and your parents. Crabs in a bucket they just pull you down and pull you apart.

[@CurtisMoe]

Welcome back Jay!🎉

[@susanna6826]

the dog 🥰

[@tanyakashyap6944]

My father lost both his Parents when he was 3 years old.. he is an Alcoholic and its taken me a Lifetime to come to terms with his trauma

[@kerryschippers9795]

Thank you Jay, I love listening to you, the tone of your voice is soothing and allows me to hear what you are saying without stress. Your words said with such kindness allows me to feel cared for and I am grateful.

[@BookWorm2369]

😢 I have felt like "nothing to no one" for the majority of my life. Thank you for sharing this, it's helping me heal ❤

[@marcydrake9159]

I’m grateful for everything you do to help folks heal from childhood trauma. It’s such difficult and important work. You do your work then we do ours. ❤🙏

[@DavidGikandi-k9s]

I love ❤ how you break down and explain things!

[@isaidwhatisaid4130]

As a child, my loving dad left my mum and had to move due to work. I was left with my emotional available mum and was so scared of losing her too. I tried everything so she would acknowledge me : Had great grades, was behaved, etc but was always compared to others, nothing I did was good enough, everything I voiced a fear I was mocked or gaslit. My mum then was very inconsistent, sometimes she would buy me beautiful clothing, made me feel like mayve we could be clos and then next day she was distant again. at some point, as a teenager I had enough. I didnt become a rebel per say or did bad things but I dindt care to impress her anymore and if I thought something was wrong Id voice it, if she tried to stone wall me or give me the silent treatment then id give it 2 x back. She hated the fact that she couldnt affect me anymore and all of the sudden 'i was a bad daughter, even though I wasnt doing anything bad, still had great grades, didint do drugs but every little mistake would be made like a huge error. It prepared me to never want to impress anyone or change myself.

[@nickandrews2255]

Cheers for sharing this it reminds me that I go Get abused that it is not ok that it is bad that I deserve better or that the suffering g I experience is real plus not ok for me cheers it feels horrific to get gaslit it really does cheers all the best!!!!

[@diannecentrella]

Thank you Jay ❤

[@mildredbangtree]

Your puppy could use a Shepherd sized recliner.

[@angelwings7930]

Or his own couch 👍

[@streaming5332]

Yes he's a bit squashed.

[@Cherrybee61]

😂

[@EmsLionheart]

I don’t want to be alone but I have no one. Living w my partner who is the combo of my mom n dad, the narcissist and her enabler; my health is too poor to make it on my own but just gets worse due to past trauma not dealt with and the loveless life I live. An empath w ADHD OCD PTSD as well as MS RA etc …I’m just wasting space, but too much of a coward to do anything about it.

[@deborah6972]

Even at 50 im struggling with why she doesnt love me or want relationship with me. I would have thought id be over it by now. So Dr. Reid this is very helpful. Is it possible that i completely missed egocentric thinking and how can i fix this now? Even when people have hurt me then abandoned me i still find reasons to blame myself. I always blame myself and i dont trust that it could not be me who is the problem. Always looking for ways to be better to change to be loveable. Still have a hard time building loyal relationships. I feel if I don't tolerate unfair things i will end up with no one and ive lost enough relationships now to see that it does indeed end friendships when i try to stand up for myself

[@cairosilver2932]

Man, that 'as a sinner in a world ruled by god rather than as an angel in a world ruled by the devil' is a gut punch. And that whole holding a porcupine thing - I've had visualization of inwardly being stuck on a bed of thorns - I can't rest without coming down upon the thorns, but staying above them is exhausting. Edit: And that memory disorder example, that really shows how the body keeps the score.

[@lindac6919]

Wow. Well said.

[@wren3347]

I know that trying to be a good person doesn't matter to them. It's not that they don't see it. The thing is they just don't care.

[@chilloften]

Always learning from you Jay. Thank you for sharing this info.

[@jamesbyrne9312]

Great video tho ty

[@CheetahSnowLeopard]

Painfully true.

[@songbird8404]

Woooooooowwww this is ME!!! To the T!!! I’m currently not speaking to either of my parents and 4 out of my 5 siblings. Coincidentally the only sibling I’m speaking to and close to is the one that experiences the same thing I did!

[@Latoree33]

"Emotional water from a psychological stone" that hit me. Having 4 mothers wasn't easy. No one listens.

[@MHarrison-e5b]

Hi Jay. I’ve been watching your channel for a while now, and can’t tell you how grateful I am for these videos. They have really helped bring in some clarity on tricky to pin point internal and external dynamics I’ve been experiencing in a lot of my relationships. Its funny, because I often will have dreams the night before the next upload comes out that seem related to the video subject- this time it was two things, the quote about being “A sinner in a world ruled by God or an angel in a world ruled by the Devil” , and the videos subject about loving and being loved. I’ve also had very aggressive and chronic nightmares for a while now, as I’ve been trying to distance myself from a lot of toxic situations and people and rebuild my life. I was not expecting it, and have never experienced a fraction of the inner turmoil I have been now. But for several years now, pretty much every dream I have is either past toxic people in my life mocking me/ gas lighting me/ or else playing “role reversal” with me, if that makes sense, or else just negatives statements being spoken over my life like “you’re about to die”, “this is you’re punishment”, etc. I often wake up several times a night in a panic. It started after I had a big breakthrough in some of my career goals, and circumstances have been lining up well for me. But the blow-back has been so severe that I have had a hard time not only noticing positive things in my life, but also continuing to have success and progress as well as put more physical distance between me and past abusers. The dreams particularly have been making me feel very stuck in life because it’s been hard to gain any psychological distance from what has occured. It feels like these people have kind of latched on to me energetically and have been harassing me persistently for years. It has gotten somewhat more manageable as it’s become more clear that there is not likely a physical threat of retaliation, and the dreams are more reflective of unconscious fears or enmeshment. I recently saw on another channel related to scapegoating, Rebecca C Mandeville had a video about the emotional aftermath of going no contact. She was discussing the C-PTSD symptoms and grief that can begin to surface, and one of the commenters had mentioned they were also having severe nightmares. Before that, I hadn’t heard any one else talk about it. I was wondering if you have any more information about it because I would be interested to get your take on it. Also, you sort of mentioned it with the quote, but another component that I’ve really struggled with in recovery has been a religious or spiritual component to the abuse. Consistently, as I listen to your videos, it seems natural to extend the information toward reframing the God image as a step in reparenting ourselves, and creating a World and Self image which also reflect that shift. Anyway, thank you for the content you create. I’ve already gotten so much use out of it, and it has really helped me push back against my own inner accuser and try to dismantle some of what I’ve internalized from the first part of my life. It’s been invaluable and is much appreciated.

[@CatherineJenkins-nm3yr]

I’m so relieved that my parents are gone now. I’m 62 years old and I finally feel like I’m no longer walking on eggshells through life.

[@madlife3770]

Thank you! This teaching helped me understand something I had struggled for a long time to piece together.

[@tmking7483]

Thanks for this awesome info_ makes sense why therapists are not honest and simply manipulative

[@blueskies90210]

I sometimes wonder about one thing I said to my narcissistic mother about my plans for the future. I said I couldn't wait to get a job to get out of their house and let them scream at each other as much as they want w/o me in the picture. I wonder did the abuse worsen then just so she could incapacitate me to leave the house. I always thought the money I would bring through good employment was her final goal, but nowadays I think it was keeping me trapped to put up w abuse what really brought her joy.

[@annastone5624]

❤🧡💛💚

[@andreadaerice]

One of my dearest friends was the scapegoat child and even now when her mother comes around, I see these tragic patterns of interaction.

[@jera9654]

Looking forward to hearing more, thank you!

[@sam-bd2ko]

Thanks Jay

[@christieorr5152]

The animal in the image is a hedgehog, not a porcupine.

[@mac-ju5ot]

Im one if seven children. Each child that was parentified says they had it so much worse than the other. It's so close that it made me cry .( Love your dog . I had a Shepard one if my biggest fans )

[@marka8855]

Jay, your body of work here on youtube is impressive. Most importantly is the help your videos have provided me (and others). I'll support more when funds allow. Thank you!

[@ghostagee5232]

The implicit learning reaction is literally Dianectic's "reactive mind" at work, according to Scientology.

[@fairygurl9269]

Thank You 💞

[@VampyressVA]

Unfortunately, KZbin is deleting my comments and won't let me share my experience, even though it contains zero offensive words. Fascists.

[@lulumoon6942]

Compartmentalize my true inner self & have varying personalities for situations. Perfect SPY training. 😮

[@SunshineCalifornia]

I can't thank you enough Jay

[@cal9112]

I dont care about not being loved by that human female society calls "my mother" , l look at animals and lesrn from then , does my dog holds trauma because her mother/father bla bla bla ... NO, my dog lives in the now snd only cares about me and my husband, her mother/fsther couldnt care less, LETS LEARN FROM ANIMALS TO LIVE LIFE

[@gambacherkalbenstein]

How come it's ALWAYS "the parents"?! Peers in childhood can be cruel and traumatize you aswell...

[@etaokha4164]

Everything I did was never enough for my narc mother. 7 years no contact. She always framed certificate of the golden child even when he failed gcse ×3 and passed only french out of 10 subjects she took that french certificate and framed it and said she was proud of him passing just 1 subject. She never acknowledged my achievements or success but the golden child who joined gangs and walking the streets with knifes and selling drugs was the "best" child because he never made her shout or scream. Now her golden child son is her own worse enemy because he keeps going in and out of jail and narc mother and enabler keep bailing him out.

[@dawnkinateder9617]

Trying to get emotional water from a psychological stone. Wow. Nails it.

[@ChiqueChiing]

I am definitely the scapegoat, my mom is always telling me "stop.. it's not about me..". it's like every time that we're doing something family-wise, for example a birthday party for somebody else in the family ..."u make everything about u" 😮 And she will say it in front of my siblings to downplay my arguments.... (Somthing being bs n unfair to me or my son-i will always stick up for my kid idc) (Someone doin me wrong on thier wedding....

[@AwakenedMind963]

I had an evil father and a virtuous mother. I quickly learned what to do and what not to do by observing their happiness. I wanted to follow the good and learn about myself. This helped me later to help others. It is very important to take responsibility for our lives, our words, our actions, and what we tell ourselves. Playing the victim is a weakness, but when you take responsibility for what you do or want to do, you gain Power. And power within is strength, respect, value, and self-love-something we should all be giving to ourselves first.

[@christybates9379]

I bearly remember my childhood. I remember fighting with my family and trying to escape them. And my pets. They saved me back then.

[@sayusayme7729]

Thank you, looking into many types of therapy. So grateful for all the information that wasn’t available when I needed it most. At 64 and neurodivergent. I’m free. Or so I think I am. It’s everywhere. Doctors, hospitals, government. Truly hard to navigate around these toxic people. Robert Greene gives the tools to fight them. Love to all on their journey towards peace.

[@dianeshoemaker6591]

Trying to get close to a porcupine! What a dilemma indeed! It was also like trying to snuggle up with a boa constrictor. Terrifying yet necessary and a very compelling desire. So confusing.

[@rebekah7635]

I try to move on but I don't know. I still feel bad that they stole from me, my mom stole mid-5 figures from me. Other relatives used me for unpaid eldercare and tried to demand even more from me. Two years ago I was in the hospital...crickets, except my sister who called & lied to the doctors about me. Since then, I have been contacting them asking for restitution. I contacted law enforcement about some things they did to me that seem like they still might be under the SoL. I contacted their pastors because they're churchy. I feel like I can't let them get away with it or they'll do it to someone else. I remind them of what they did and ask for apologies/restitution. So far: nothing. But at least for some of them, the church people they show off for know what fakes they are.

[@lor3999]

What about a pretty older, possibly narc sibling ?

[@missylee3022]

I don't like how videos like this always the word narcissist. My parents are not narcissists at all. I do feel like I need to heal from my role as the scapegoat but my parents are not by any definition narcissists. Unhealthy toxic dynamics do occur without narcissistic personality disorder.

[@Gretchen88888]

I laughed so hard about the porcupine but wow does that tell the story! Great description!

[@annem7806]

I remember asking my older sisters if I'd been adopted. I figured there must be some reason why she rejected me.

[@UserGirly-c7c]

We love you Jay Reid, the best therapist in the world 💚

[@esthers333]

Question why does it hurt sometimes to even talk about this topic? its no longer an elephant in the room but i feel if i cant move on its my fault again and shes getting older and now using the age and forgetfulness to the advantage if you’ve ever watched kubo and the two strings, its my story haha but not funny the end is My mom now

[@semperfi818]

As a recovering scapegoat (and continued truth-teller), I find much to appreciate in your work, Dr. Reid, and thank you for your compassion, honesty and clarity. FTR, I don't know how I was able to recognize that my covert narcissistic mother's toxic excuse for love was the defective one, unless my dad's secret kindnesses to me, behind my mother's back, gave me enough scraps of some kind of love to sustain me until I could disappear and live as my true self, away from her. FTR, you have a beautiful dog; what's their name? Give your furry friend a hug from a friend they've not met face to face.

[@marietgagliardi]

The favorite of one parent and the scapegoat of the other. Thank God for my father

[@twhite8308]

I welcome this video in my video feed today. It applies to me and it is a mind bender.

[@skyyy1977]

Beautiful stuff as always Jay, many thanks.

[@disappearingremedy7400]

Great content. Thank you for your work.

[@phoebehill953]

I’m a scapegoat wife

[@GissingRiva-g6o]

Robinson Matthew Thompson Thomas Allen Elizabeth

[@streaming5332]

My father did love us but he was never there... he didn't want us to hate him like he hated his own father.

[@jamesbyrne9312]

Do you give your dog unconditional love???? He looks miserable.. Sorry I am just very sensitive about animals!

[@BronwynneBessette-v7s]

My entire life has been devoted to the welfare and protection of dogs & cats. In my 40s I am now a law student for the purpose of advocating for animals and I will practice entirely for that purpose. There are a legion of videos of miserable dogs available to see just on KZbin by means of comparison. I don’t think this dog is one of them. I think the dog is in room in an effort to remain close to dad as he works to provide a good home for him/her. It’s very presence here is most likely the dog supporting that effort. The dog might be restless waiting to have dad’s full attention again. My dog is also doing that right now. I want to thank you for caring about dogs, especially as most, yes *most,* people don’t. They look past them like the living trees around us that we see as props of human life. I think we can rest easy that this good pup is loved and well cared for. Just my opinion. Take care. 👍🏻

[@jamesbyrne9312]

@@BronwynneBessette-v7s Take care yourself. Youre message doth protest too much

[@Joelswinger34]

What is wrong with you??? He is napping. FFS. You should be sorry.

[@PrayforMe831]

Your projection of your own feelings on a dog you don't know is quite amazing to witness.

[@rturney6376]

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤️🙏🌻❤️🙏🌻🙏🌻😘😘😘😘😘

[@ukaszwojtalik8198]

Wygląda jak związek polski z resztà świata😅 poorlacka scwelona administracja, która musi sprzedawać za pół grosza😅