Fear of Growing Up for Scapegoat Survivors of Narcissistic Parents

[@taniabluebell3099]

Parentified during childhood Infantilized during adolescence and adulthood

[@LucaAnamaria]

Omg exactly right

[@KingdomKeys4U]

That's it, wow!! I had to give my Mom insulin shots at 12yrs old, check her blood sugar level. She couldn't wait for me to drive, so I could run all kinds of errands. I had a bumper sticker that read, "Mom's taxi." Then as a teen and adult, it was, " why do you want to do that?" Then ridiculed me for not knowing how to do certain things that adults my age knew from their own life experience. Didn't know then what I know now, but I thank God I do now. And I'm learning everyday to go from surviving to thriving. God can take what evil means to destroy you, and cause it to work for your good. Turns out that I have a knack for caregiving, driving, cooking and everything else she did allow me to do. And all of that allows me to be a caregiver for others loved ones. My clients are very appreciative and accommodating. And with all this technology I'm googling everything I need or want to know. My Mom passed ten years ago, she did apologize on her death bed, I soon after learned why she was Soo bitter, and I did forgive her. Sorry Soo long!

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

@@KingdomKeys4U There's a sweetness, a patience, an empathy, a delicacy found expressed in scapegoat children -adults or kids- that's ever lasting and so cherishable and a perfect match to a grown up human.

[@KingdomKeys4U]

@@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454 Wow, thanks for that. So true, Amen!!!

[@biagia1231]

So true. Her parent as a child and called me an idiot as an adult. Still wanted my money though. Evil.

[@realhealing7802]

The only way I survived my narcissistic parents was to be compliant. I couldn't have any feelings. I had to be what they wanted and needed for them to accept me. I had to go no contact with my entire narcissistic family system for my mental and physical health.

[@kimberlymccracken747]

My story 🩷💯🙏

[@Sippamanicola]

Ditto! Always nice to see I’m not alone ❤

[@taraarrington2285]

❤

[@irena3910]

Same here. Gave them another chance after 15 years no contact because it seemed they had changed, but it was just a long game hoover. Awareness and resources about narcissistic abuse weren’t around in those days. This info and support has been life-changing. No contact with my parents and brother again. So much more painful this time knowing that they never really loved me, and the depths of evil their destructive and targeted abuse went to this time around. Helps so much to see that I’m not alone. 💖

[@amyp4977]

I had to check I hadn’t already commented! Relate so closely to what you have written 🤗Thanks for this video Jay, so helpful. Brought a lot of insight including the example of the therapist exchange, I relate to this in therapy and in other relationships where I’m scared that I will be perceived as usurping someone’s position, being shown up as incompetent or speaking out of turn when actually a part of me knows that I’m not. I am remembering my first therapist when I was in my 20s who did appear to see herself as an expert, over me, and did confirm the fears I had whenever I spoke up for myself or came more into my adult self. This video has helped to validate the feelings I had then too.. I see why it was so triggering back then and why this relationship wasn’t good for me ultimately. I have seen and felt for a long time that the connection I did have with my parents, including when I was a young child, came from the power they felt in that development stage along with the lack of challenge to their authority and control of me. Anytime I asserted my independence or voiced a separate view later on.. this is when I’d feel the wrath, the rejection, the judgment, the gaslighting. It’s helps to hear this phenomenon recognised and understood as the and narcissistic parenting mechanism that it is. Thanks and love to all who are dealing and healing from the pain of narcissistic parenting.

[@1RPJacob]

_There are two things you should never waste your time on: things that don't matter and people who think that you don't matter_

[@ShonWilsonOfficial]

This.

[@dark7angel456]

Yeah and so many people think I don't matter the story of my life isn't as happy as other people's

[@Dee33636]

@@dark7angel456 You DO matter. So many of us are waking up from this abusive dynamic & realize that we were indoctrinated into this cult of competition, deceit, betrayal, gaslighting, passive aggressive or overt violence, SA, bread crumbing, so much cruelty with a smirk since we were little. Made us choose similar characters growing up & into adulthood. It’s not your fault. It is unfortunately up to us to radically accept that the people you trusted the most don’t care about you & resent your strength, joy, uniqueness…I’m 6 decades into this work & it’s hard work but gets better. Learning to maintain boundaries, enjoy my own company, love myself authentically - warts & all & gifts too- re- parenting myself, re- framing & going through periods of deep alone- ness… is freedom. Having pets, interests & even support from videos & commenters here …. It all helps to heal from toxic situationships, etc. You really aren’t alone & there are safe people out there that love you. You just haven’t met them yet. Give yourself the consideration your toxic family, friends, partners, etc. haven’t. ❤️

[@nicholecornes1915]

Yup that's why I left my dusty ass husband IM DONE!

[@NonYa-l9t]

You matter.

[@VeronicaGorositoMusic]

That abusive position that narcissistis do seek is pure evil, inhuman and disgusting. Not leaving your child to develope a healthy sense of power is just....cowardly and horrendous.

[@crookedfingersgirl7356]

Yes, I akin it to Evil!!! And yet I was also somehow also be a powerhouse and 'shouldnt you KNOW this by now"?!?! When we were completely and DELIBERATELY held back almost kept like ... At a baby level,.? Hope I make sense out of the crazymaking I'm trying to describe...

[@VeronicaGorositoMusic]

@@crookedfingersgirl7356 Yes, brainwashing you to keep you in a baby state of mind, to serve their filthy ego, thirsty of exerting power over vulnerable people.

[@nitareckonkeys]

​@@crookedfingersgirl7356, you make perfect sense. I live a similar reality. Sabotaged every step of the way. To which NM would deride me for always bouncing back to thriving. Well her latest betrayal/manipulations has finally successfully kept me down & barely surviving. She gloats like pigeon kicking over pieces of a chessboard. Pure Jezebel evil, is the only way to describe it.

[@TurtleKitty-357]

Yes. And I'm the youngest of 4 kids w/ 6 yrs between us ALL. In this birth order, it felt like it added fuel to the powerlessness vibe that I grew up with-even as an adult, that powerlessness vibe was still present (certainly in my own head!)

[@andriyandriychuk]

Yep. They intentionally make a case for failure of their own children.

[@nancybartley4610]

Believing that I could not survive on my own drove my entire life, but I never realized that was what was happening. I just thought I was a pathetic loser.

[@nancybartley4610]

@@crisl9079 Thank you for your kindness. It is so strange to hear words like that. Hard to know how to react.

[@nikdenbak3961]

Wow, you just summed up my experience. My dad actually called me a loser (and other things) when I was younger and takes any chance he can to demean and belittle me (but I JUST realised he has never done it in front of my brother or sister!). He's an absolute coward as well. Narc people are parasites and their main aim is to break you. Don't let them win!!! You're stronger than you think.

[@nancybartley4610]

@@nikdenbak3961 It is 100%wrong what he did. Did you ever ask your sibling if they knew he spoke to you like that? Maybe he talked to them separately and they thought you didn't know. It would be nice to have some other confirmation that he was not a nice guy. I hope you were able to get him out of you.

[@nikdenbak3961]

@@nancybartley4610 He is definitely not a nice guy. My mum sat silently beside him that time he said that as well as saying music is a waste of time ( I started playing guitar at 15). My siblings know about that time I think. My sis will not ever drive a car with him in it because he ruined her when giving her driving lessons. I only recently found out that my mum hates me playing music as well!! Ever heard of the Jocasta complex? No wonder I'm a mess, both parents are wrong in the head. I'm working on getting those parasites out of me. Knowledge is power!!

[@nancybartley4610]

@@nikdenbak3961 I envy you knowing how to play the guitar. That means you are smart. Music is hard. Your parents are jealous. You threaten them.

[@Sarara-mv5sx]

It's so degrading - but it never stops, even into old age. This is when the narcissistic parent really leans into deploying their flying monkeys. They really destroy families.

[@mosher121]

I'm experiencing this right now. I hadn't even thought of the fact that my mom is actively destroying the family, but that's exactly what's happening. I moved in with her a year ago. She's 92. I figured I could handle it. I really didn't have a clue about the scapegoat role. I also thought I was an adult and I could manage myself, even if she couldn't manage herself. I'm beginning to see clearly what my nerves have always told me. I was confused about so many subtle things. When I go to the store, getting her shopping list is the most unnerving thing, and I didn't understand why until watching this video. My offer to shop for her is instantly transformed into an opportunity for her to make demands and boss me around. She becomes very specific with her instructions. Her tone becomes instantly tough, and she is in charge! My whole nervous system reacts to this situation, and of course, I have typically thought it was me overreacting. I have two brothers who are triangulated constantly, and my three grown children are pawns in her game, too. It's bizarre and surreal. I'm the only one who sees it.

[@manashieldmedia]

​@@mosher121How many times have you battled with the sad, misinformed thought of "if I think it's everyone else, it must be me?" I'm asking because it sounds like you may have dealt with that as well

[@mosher121]

@@manashieldmedia Pretty much a pervasive experience. You just described my Thanksgiving.

[@EMGEE718]

In being discarded by a narcissistic wife, I realized that I had a narcissist for a parent.

[@TheEyes4truth]

This. 😮

[@TheEyes4truth]

Same 4 me. Hang in there.

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

I remember telling my parents I wanted to be "my own self" as a teenager. I got laughed at, but I think I was actually very perceptive about what was going on.

[@taniabluebell3099]

They love to use mockery to demoralize us

[@fenixrise1272]

Mine ridiculed me when I said I should be able to experience life and learn from my own mistakes. They took full control over every part of my life they could

[@user-pq9vr1uh4g]

Very sad. Thanks for sharing your story.

[@KingdomKeys4U]

Yes. These narcissist really use that humiliation to belittle you. It seems they have a sick keen sense on how to make you feel like nothing. But that's how they feel, and they know you don't feel that way. But you don't know that as a child. Believe me, if we can survive this cruelty as children, What are we capable of as adults? Now we know it wasn't our fault. I pray you can heal some, in just from knowing that Truth. God Bless❣️

[@KingdomKeys4U]

@@fenixrise1272 same here. but I'm learning that it gave us grit to survive that. Keep using that same grit to heal. And finish rising Fenix!!!

[@evieraine7135]

As soon as I am with another , I hand over my power , its automatic in me

[@annastone5624]

I think by the time we need to go to college/work.. we are utterly crippled. So what we ‘believe’ is secondary to the fact we are utterly disempowered, traumatised and very very vulnerable by this time. In my case just a walking target for predators. It’s only once we find some kind of independence, safety, and therapy, that we can explore the mechanics of our beliefs.

[@anneboyle2240]

This is absolute fact. Exactly 💯 me by the time I got to college.

[@christar9527]

You’ve said it so well.

[@peacenquiet77]

Wow! Yes!…I’d love it if Jay took your comment and talked about that- this alone could be another video!

[@harmantumber]

Exactly. You got to regulate your nervous system first then you can think about your future properly.

[@annastone5624]

@peacenquiet77 I would really love a video on that too. I think so many of us try to heal from the wrong end as such. We read books etc on finer points, when we have huge trauma and the urgent problems it’s causing us, needing more immediate attention.

[@victoriazajchowski9257]

In my forties I took up karate and worked my way to a black belt. My father said" Why are you wasting your time on this?" I said - "Well, I don't feel intimated by people so much anymore. There was a dead silence.

[@TurtleKitty-357]

Yes! I became a hard core bodybuilder in my late 20's. Even sought to do it competitively, and invited some family members to the competition. For a variety of good & not good reasons tho, I pulled out 2 wks before the show. I felt like a fool for that but I had NEVER competed athletically by myself before, & was partly afraid of failing & the humiliation I'd experience, which actually was the *safer* choice at that time.

[@catspyjamas7944]

Oh goodness…I love your answer! 😂🙌

[@madtyper1064]

Every single time that I lived on my own, I thrived; bills paid on time, job consistency, etc. Every single time I went back to living with my narcissistic parents, I went on a downward departure.

[@OrielThomson]

Yep

[@kennydyer4737]

I got goosebumps reading the validating comments, we're not alone..

[@Stranzua]

I made a huge mistake moving back in with family. My ignorance led me to believe that things would have changed after so many years but boy was I wrong.

[@amberinthemist7912]

I'm so sorry. I moved away in my 20s but got sucked back in due to my sister's cancer (she's also a narc). I ended up working for my parents and totally financially entangled. Worst mistakes if my life. I should have run and never looked back.

[@Stranzua]

@@amberinthemist7912 I'm right there with you.

[@CanadianBear47]

been here :D

[@burningknuckle26]

i made the same mistake lol. worst mistake of my life. narc mom followed me to my dads where i was living and told me she wasnt gonna abuse me and yell at me no more and i took the bait.

[@Stranzua]

@@burningknuckle26 I shared a video on my channel of my dad and my brother arguing. It's a nightmare.

[@pryncecharming2133]

I was parentified and infantilized well into my early 20s. I am 47 years old now and still often feel like I'm pretending to be an adult.

[@sjla2009]

Same! 48 and still feel 6 years old 😢

[@annastone5624]

‘It may get delayed, but it won’t get denied’ 💖💖💖💖

[@aliciamarques3743]

This totally explains why I have always felt more “loved” by my mother when I was weak and dysfunctional. I relate very much to Ira.

[@sjla2009]

Same! Keep being strong 💪 🎉

[@goldieh7121]

This is all soooo familiar! I feel like I'm "adulting" in my late 50s. I'd be interested in learning about being parentifed and infantilized at the same time by parents. I believe I was by my parents making me feel responsible for their feelings and bad things happening, while also letting me know i can't handle life without them telling me what I should do. This created in me feeling responsible for everyone else while at the same time feeling out of control of my own life.

[@dotsyjmaher]

SO true

[@Surfergirl0711]

This is me!!! I'd love a video about that too!

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

I’m mid 50s also and I still struggle with all the “I can’t handle life” stuff. I don’t want them to tell me what to do per se, but I also don’t know at all what to do on my own. I just sit there feeling lost like I just have no clue how to proceed on my own. My head knows it’s such a lie but deep down it’s so hard to shake it. And yah. Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Like should I be not trying to handle what is too much for any one person or when am I just copping out Bcuz I want to revert back to the default “this is too hard for me. I can’t handle this.” Sometimes I don’t even know the diff. I no longer feel responsible for others feelings, but I tend to take on too much and help when I should just say no or refuse to caretake. Or let it go (let whatever hit the fan lol) or just stop and rest and do me for awhile.

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

Yes! Well said.

[@Mrs.Milkins23]

Perfectly explained 😢❤

[@annastone5624]

‘Leaves the child in an a-moral and powerless world’ ‘Lives in a dictatorship as a forced subject’ OMG ‘not enough submission’ !!! ‘Heartless contempt in his eyes’ Wow….. so much truth 🌸 🌸 🌸

[@christar9527]

He hit the nail right on the head!

[@vickisnemeth7474]

Despite being an ex-Soviet refugee obsessed with red scare, my dad is the most Stalin-like person I've ever known.

[@fuzbugg]

always casually dropping the truth bombs. so good

[@janettemartin4604]

My Mother would not have SURVIVED if she didn't have me to manipulate and enslave. I was a GOOD CHILD but she just flipped all of that to POOR HER! That way she could treat me like SHIT and get "empathy" from EVERYONE! Though NO ONE did anything for her she got them to scorn and ridicule ME!

[@freebird189]

literally same story here.... I save my mother through being her punching bag

[@janettemartin4604]

@@freebird189 I put my Dad in jail. And she acted like I wanted to matter then? She was such a MEAN WOMAN!

[@KingdomKeys4U]

I relate. Just listening to these videos can sometimes really disturb me. As I heal more I really come to a place that allows me to accept what was and know that many people endured bad parenting. Not everyone is fit to be a parent. And parents are people too. So some of us get bitter abused parents, drug addicts, selfish, immature, because anyone can have a child. And as long as "making babies" are enjoyable, no one holds anyone accountable, and pride and selfishness runs rampade, It made me not even want to become a parent. Please know you can overcome. Do the work, be patient with yourself, set boundaries and don't lose help. We are survivors. If we made it through that as children, how much more can we overcome as adults. Mind over matter-glass half empty or half full. God Bless❣️

[@rebeccajohnson7864]

​@@KingdomKeys4U I really relate to your second sentence. The videos help tremendously but also open the wounds. I guess that's part of the healing process. Good luck to us all.

[@KingdomKeys4U]

Same here! Don't give up on the healing process.🌷

[@lizinsarasota64]

Please don't wait until you are 64 to find this information and figure it out. I am amazed and devastated...at the same time. But I'll tell you what: It explains EVERYTHING. And that's a start.

[@KingdomKeys4U]

Amen to that!! I'm 52 and I owe it to myself to learn and heal from as many of these videos as I can. You come to learn that half of the healing process is bringing the darkness to light. It's such freedom in that.🌻

[@TurtleKitty-357]

I'm 64 too😢

[@kathyfrancis9229]

Me too. Glad to know. Sad it took so long.

[@sjla2009]

48 here and gutted I spent all my best years ignorant to all this 😢

[@manashieldmedia]

​@@sjla2009You're free now. Your best years are to come 💪

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

This was so relatable. I never really felt like an adult even into my thirties. I'm behind my other friends in many areas because I never followed my own path but kept living to please my narc parent, who to this day, wants to keep me at home as a live-in maid.

[@amyp4977]

Yup. I hear you. I remember going out with friends a teenager and calling home whilst out to check on how my mum was, I was so preoccupied with her emotional state as if it were mine.. I couldn’t relax or feel free to be a teenager I felt such a burden of responsibility for my mum and my young brothers (with an alcoholic step dad in the mix) - only to realise years and years later that my mother created that role for me deliberately.. she used me as an extension of herself no matter the cost to me and no matter how much I fought against it and tried to voice my needs. It took years to see it for what it was. Im 48 and have been no contact for 7 years and I still get angst ridden and feel haunted by a feeling that I am wrong, that I have caused this situation, that my mother was ‘right’ all along. Lately I have many dreams of reuniting and it’s a younger me in the dreams, one who would’ve done anything to make it ok with my mum and retrieve the connection. The pull for connection with your care giver is so strong, primal. It’s a terrible wound to have to heal.

[@Kareena1988]

Lol..my mother died and everyone wants me to comr back, living in that basement and cleaning the house and cooking and getting trempled on again. I said "I am not the second wife of my father". Shameless family...

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

@@amyp4977 it is a terrible wound to have to heal.

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Escape now, leave them high and dry and be without guilt about it. You have had your life hijacked by a selfish pig. Take your life back, plan your escape and leave without explanation and dont look back. Good luck.

[@TiffanyNikes-km5jd]

It happened to me. When I left they said that I "abandoned" him and I was the incompetent abuser of a poor old man. I was disinherited. I still left ✊ ✊

[@Stoviecakes]

In a sea of NPD related videos & “professionals” simply repeating the same overarching mantras as the last… This video is a breath of fresh air. Thank you brother. I stumbled upon a profound mental connection. All the best

[@marshajohnson6302]

They day u walk away is the sense of freedom and self respect

[@jembartlett]

So timely. Grappling with this exact thing at the moment. In my case it wasn't just being powerless towards the parent, but the whole family. I grew up feeling like my siblings (and even cousins) were allowed to go their own way and build their own lives, but I had to remain stuck and inferior. In a perpetual state of waiting. Sadly this has continued well into adulthood. Facing this has been one of the most confronting things I've done.

[@TheEcstacyrose]

I understand very well. I have been working on my issues for 25 years and only in the last 5 years have I faced this narc parent stuff and rooting out the relational patterns is ongoing and overwhelming at times. It is also freeing. Its like I have been living spellbound by my narc parents mindsets, which are sick, and not being my true self, as that was dangerous. I have a long history of the same type of relationships, trauma and horror. I feel like I have been too much for most people.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Same thing happened to me.

[@lechatleblanc]

omg....me tooo...this is the story of my life...everyone else is allowed to build their lives ..but im stuck, inferior, incapable, waiting, a perpetual child... always feeling like a 7 year old that has a mommy to look after her....

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

@@lechatleblanc I actually understand.

[@itz_kale7791]

I feel the exact same way.

[@nyxcole9879]

This was significant for me. My Father and mother would both do thiese diminishing things as i grew up, but my Father used it as a weapon. He'd make it impossible for me to adult up and would then shame the crap out of me for not having my stuff together. This has extended so much into my adult life. I literally can not feel equal among adults and im 38 lol

[@diatribe5]

My father did this kind of thing to sabotage me as a kid, when it came to his negligence in getting me health care in a timely manner, academically, and so on.

[@nyxcole9879]

@@diatribe5 ❤🙏

[@diatribe5]

You notice how I use the formal terms mother and father instead of mom and dad, because I’d have to feel some kind of love or fondness to say mom and dad when mentioning them, but all I can feel is resentment and contempt for them.

[@amyp4977]

Yes so relate to this. Have always found interaction with other adults extremely daunting, especially others in positions of authority or even professional peers. Made it very difficult to function in a working role, inordinate amounts of anxiety to cope with. I looked for so long in all the wrong place for the cause (my low self esteem, my problem with ‘blushing’, my anxiety problem). The roots of this issue seem so clear and obvious now when you relate it to the dynamic of being raised by narcissists. It was the training.

[@JustJohnice]

@@diatribe5 same...I have already mourned and grieved my mother for so long I only give her the title of THE WOMANS PORTAL I CAME OUT OF....

[@darray.]

I call it the fear of responsibility or the fear of being big. I think with narcissistic parents or at least mine and the scapegoat position, it’s all about the narc wanting to feel big which I think they gain from having you need them to be the hero. I always felt I couldn’t do the things adults can do because I was always made to feel small (and on the purpose). So now I think subconsciously we are drawn to narcissists because we almost need them to take control because we fear we’re incapable or too small to take on the daunting adult roles in life. The narcissist needs us to stay small so they can have someone look at them in awe for the normal things they do which we deem as almost impressive, things like standing up for yourself. We don’t know how to do that but they can do it for us.

[@peacenquiet77]

I have actually used that word, “inconsequential” to describe how I felt growing up. My feelings, thoughts, opinions, boundaries, needs…. Just inconsequential, I didn’t matter, until I was agreeing with my parents. I was only enjoyed and appreciated if I was being cheerful and obedient. Otherwise I would get a treated with contempt and rejection. I learned to smile and enter into their interests, and had no interests of my own. I am 55 years old now and living my best life, finally! I am divorced from a narcissist, and was his scapegoat too. Through my years and years of healing I have learned so much and grown so much. Thank you Jay, for speaking truth into what happened to me. You are one of the most kind and wise therapists, and I’m so grateful for your videos on this topic. Scapegoat survivor of narcissistic parents and partners.

[@amyp4977]

I so agree with what you’ve said.. including about Jay’s kindness and insight as a therapist. I have used the word ‘inconsequential’ myself as well as ‘insignificant’ and ‘invisible’ to describe how it felt to exist in that dynamic. Sending love 💕

[@KELSEYYYYY]

Progressing forward terrifies me

[@NonYa-l9t]

You're going to do it.

[@TurtleKitty-357]

I'm sure that you feel this way now, but you CAN and WILL do it!

[@cultureal9544]

Progress is natural

[@sonofhibbs4425]

It feels like walking straight into death. Like you’re a fool for doing such a thing. Like trying to land on the planet of Alderon but you get there, and it’s not there, just danger awaiting and tons of confusion. (Star Wars reference).

[@rosemalone27]

YES !! Not only did my narcissistic mother not want me to have autonomy-but my enabling father projected his fears of the world onto me. I’ve been settling for an easy and comfortable life, but it feels like an extension of them sowing fear within me.

[@spikefivefivefive]

They want you to accept their low standards.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

I can relate.

[@CurtisMoe]

I hear and feel you. Same story with me.

[@electricLuLuland]

"...nobody to no one..." yep. I still feel that way.

[@romanastrasheim5226]

You are loved by God. 🙌♥️

[@lennie1703]

I bet you're a great person. Getting yourself to believe it is the hard part.❤

[@Sohum-Living]

Lets become great inner parents for our own inner child. Be our own best friend and loving supporter❤

[@manashieldmedia]

I'd genuinely recommend what the previous commenter said. Envisioning my current self talking to my younger self in those moments of need and telling that younger version of myself "Everything is ok. You aren't the problem. You are doing what you can and that's more than good enough." has helped. Be kind and caring to your past self. It's still you.

[@vickisnemeth7474]

My parents tried to tell me that the world was unsafe, but I never believed it until I moved to a small town where it actually was. I hope public safety professionals won't use the presence of CPTSD to deny when the lack of safety is real.

[@therealdeal3672]

I find these videos so helpful. As the scapegoated kid in the family I've never achieved my potential. I've always kept myself smaller than I really am. In a highly competitive narcissistic family I basically refused to play the game. I tried to be doing different things than any of my siblings so that I wasn't competing with any of them directly to the best degree possible. It sounds yucky but I'm really glad my dad died when I was eleven. Things were still very bad in the family as far as sibling abuse after that. And I remained a wallflower a bit and kept myself small anyway only being willing to shine in the areas that I knew that I was standout and different from my siblings. But that inspired their jealousy and again I shrunk and kept myself small. My mom protected me from the scapegoat role But as soon as she was dead my siblings put me right back in that role. Went no contact almost eleven years ago and it was the right thing to do one hundred percent.

[@amberinthemist7912]

It's ok. It's fine common for victims to feel relief when their narc abusers die.

[@IndifferentGem]

Every memorial written is chocful of LIES! Of course, all written byl narcs, abusers, and flying monkeys. Rather drive the scapegoat to suicide than admit they themselves are sick.

[@cheslinscheepers2547]

Lol this is how I felt. I only loved working on my own because I was not that confident working in groups.🎉

[@sophialewis5474]

Exact same

[@jera9654]

We are safe and we are loved. Our authenticity is more than enough. We know ourselves and what we need better than anyone ever will. The greatest contribution we can make to this experience we are all sharing is to nurture our own integrity so that we can share freely from abundance.

[@soniahathaway1]

So true 🙏

[@ryani777]

Thank you for this ❤ 🎉 ❤

[@LyndaKirk-g6t]

This is very important

[@Sohum-Living]

❤🌈🕉🙏

[@gmamose9152]

Absolutely beautifully articulated. I'm using this as a meditation and affirmation, crediting it to you.

[@ClySaga]

I keep isolating myself and it makes my personal world very small. This gives me so much anxiety and makes me feel like I'll end up all alone. I feel like I don't have a safe group of people I can hang out with

[@ruckerbrady8342]

You will find that safe group of people in church. A true gospel church not a mega prosperity filthy rich church. I know EXACTLY how you feel with the isolation. It's so important that you find healthy friends and holy people. Sitting in your own head is probably a lonely, low self worth, resentful, hurtful place right? The ONLY WAY out of it is connecting with God's people and of course GOD above all. I said a prayer for you

[@cristinagonzalez6591]

Me too. but I have a therapy for complex trauma and feeling better. I find that I'm able to connect better with the people (acquaintances not friends) Little by little.

[@mattm.5436]

@@ruckerbrady8342 Look your one of these people who seem to think church is for everyone. It’s NOT. It’s just that simple. To think that’s the answer for everyone just because perhaps it was for you is not taking in the individuality of the individual person.

[@naturalhealingmexico]

Same here, but by choice. I live in a small town infested with narcs, so i rather prefer to be alone than repeat the patterns of my narc family. I used to be very outspoken person, but soon I realized I was surrounded by narcs that envy you for everything. Planning to move out of here wish me luck!

[@majal102]

I also keep isolating myself, it does nit feel good. It is very hard for me ti change this, andcalso to trust other people so I can make new friends and connect with people...

[@Lil-Lotus111]

Do I ever relate to this. My Mom was so overbearingly dominant her own siblings called her little Napoleon. Being no one to nobody was exactly how she made me feel. 😢

[@MsGrinny]

I was made to feel very scared of the outside world. I realised when I finally got into it and faced my fears, that it wasn't that bad, as long as you took care of yourself, watched your finances, took care of any special needs, eg, medication, addictions, not letting them run you. My father is an alcoholic, so he buys too much booze then blames others for being short on dough. I'm the only member of my immediate family whose ever lived on their own. I basically told that I couldn't do this, based on the experience of others, that it would be terrifying. Now that I'm here, it's far better than living with nasty company. I like my own company. That's one upside of getting away from my narcissistic father. He still picks at me when he gets the chance, but otherwise it's out of sight, out of mind. He acts, and always has done. He puts on an act for various people, implying he likes and/or does things that he doesn't - it's easy to see because it's incredibly false! I don't know why he does this. Perhaps it's his way of trying to impress others, revealing his insecure side. All the world is NOT a stage! I will never understand people who talk to you when they're alone with you, but ignore you when others are around. What's it support to mean? My father does that. If I know someone, I know someone, full stop, end of story. Is it normal for one child to be beaten about throughout their life, metaphorically and literally, but for the other one to be treated like a child without fault? Throughout my life from the age of about 2 years, my father has hit me, yelled at me, put me down, told me my marks weren't good enough, held grudges against me about things that he caused, teased me about the way I looked, made negative remarks about my appearance and so on and so forth. In spite of this he's never had a bad thing to say about/to my younger brother. My brother is 3 years younger than I am, but he's perfect, according to my father. I've been through so many accidents and horrendous episodes, but they made no difference. I was knocked unconscious from going down a waterslide at the age of 12. I'd been told not to do this previously, so when my father spat poison at me afterwards, I was too scared to mention what had happened (all he knew was that I'd gone down the waterslide). I was never taken to hospital for examination. A month later I started having strange seizures which went on for 8 years before my parents could be convinced that I needed examination or treatment, ie, I wasn't trying to get attention. Now, my parents' house that suburb, etc cause flashbacks from many events throughout my life, but my brother still doesn't understand why, despite observing all the crap I went through. I have Generlised Anxiety Disorder. My brother is slightly anxious, but he wouldn't have a clue! I grew up thinking it was normal for your father to hit your mother, your parents to constantly scream, to see your brother put on a pedestal, to be treated like something someone had stepped in, and the like. I've had several abusive relationships, no successful ones where I'm treated with respect. My brother's married but I'm still single and I recently turned 50. I see my life as a f'ck up. I wasn't allowed to work as I grew up. McDonald's as it wasn't good enough, according to my father. I have a B.A. in Linguistics, and tried to continue into Speech Pathology, but had a nervous breakdown. Despite my seizures having been controlled, because my anxiety was so high during the Speech Pathology degree, they came back. Anxiety & Epilepsy are perfect partners! They set each other off all the time. I eventually found other work, but handed in my resignation as I couldn't tolerate being bullied. All of these experiences really leave me wondering why or how my brother could have NO IDEA about my state of mind. Anyway, no point worrying about it.

[@lolo9553ify]

Your brother lived a different life than you. Closing his eyes to the facts was how he coped. Let go of distress about his lack of awareness of what you went through. It's hard to do but it's clear that you know what your experiences were. Go with what you know. Honor what you know and don't compare yourself to your brother. Be you and be proud of all the work you've done so far. Don't give up.

[@robertalkemade989]

i grew up similar my brother golden child he is millionaire but has guilt he knows

[@cultureal9544]

Congrats, you surprise yourself with these successes!

[@alcie8133]

let me just say... i am convinced that anorexia and bulimia are ways the child resists growing up, but in the body. there is a desire to remain undeveloped physically, which parallels the shame of growing up psychologically.

[@pam8056]

For me anorexia was my way of control at age 11, when I had no control over anything. Plus I felt I didn't deserve to eat

[@IndifferentGem]

Obese narc dad constantly badgering the slim daughter with vicious fat shaming and "Eating again?!" comments.

[@arjulala]

Ive been narcissisticly abused by both parents all my life. After my father died there was some peace... Such pained people only stop causing this hell and musery on earth 🌎 when they leave....thank you Dr Reid ❤

[@steveneardley7541]

I'm not sure my father was narcissistic, but he was definitely a tyrant. He had a hair-trigger temper and terrorized us with both physical and emotional abuse. I disappeared as much as possible, just to stay out from under his feet. His abuse, luckily, was not systematic. It's not as if he thought about us all that much. In 8th grade an incident occurred where I got in trouble, and was not even allowed to give my version of what happened to my parents. I was just beaten and humiliated. I realized at that point that my parents actually enjoyed this--that they WERE NOT ON MY SIDE. They wanted to put me down, and really liked having an excuse to do it. So from this point on I saw them as enemies. I developed an emotionally detached, rather adult relationship towards them. My father hated me for it, but he already hated me, so inwardly I was just "F.... YOU!" This move--to relate to my parents as enemies--was very healthy for me. My older brother continued to try to get their acceptance and approval, and it messed up his whole life. I'm not saying I escaped unscathed, but from an early age I acted to protect myself and advocate for myself as best I could.

[@adrianam2157]

My mother was the opposite somewhat. She loved us more as adults, mainly because we were no longer "a burden" and were more useful. Stay strong survivors! Our hearts are constantly healing. Thank you for your eye opening video.

[@jennifergriffin5467]

"Because i said so." Those words are like a knife in my heart. I heard them so often. Ive listened to probably 1000 narc videos, and this one slayed me. Thank you for all you're doing for people.

[@lisbethsalander1723]

This really hit home. Not only I was compliant.. way too much compliant to stand up for myself for equitable treatment even at the expense of my financial and physical well-being. Nothing I did ever mattered ...it kept getting worse and worse.

[@lillie9641]

Extremely relatable from my experience, only to add that in my case, from my teen years on, my mother (having divorced my father and remarried) started treating me as competition as a woman. Never ended.

[@JCTBomb]

I am so thrilled and happy to see the 3 pillars of recovery are things I have been gradually working on and making steps in! Yay! I have been severely psychologically abused by my father and by extension, my siblings who were pressured into attacking me on his behalf. Fucking disgusting behavior. Anyway, I've been no contact for like 2 years now, or at least it seems like that long. I live out of my car right now and have felt entirely lost and powerless for a long time and have sever trust issues because of him and how manipulative and abusive he and others in my close life have been. ); I feel like I am finding my power again, and it does feel like I am "disobeying" him when I do, but I feel like I am building each pillar little by little evenly as I grow and heal, so that soon, I'll have 3 full solid pillars in my life! pray for me! -JC

[@beedaffy]

It was always helpful to just lie regarding what I was going to do... not that I ever did anything risky or naughty. It was rather a subconscious assumption that my true actions would inevitably wind up being used to make me look disrespectful, non-compliant, etc. The rules always changed, and never applied to any of the other siblings. On that note: Jay, I would love for you to consider addressing the poisonous family dynamics among siblings & scapegoat, that are the ultimate result of a family structure headed by a narc (or two). Thank you so much for all of your insight and support- it is priceless to so many of us.

[@sallydr]

As a scapegoat I found during healing that I was taught I was wrong all the time and unloveable with a fear of abandonment. Once I uncovered that in my unconscious, everything changed for the better. I became the scapegoat because I wouldn't sell my soul to my alcoholic, narcissistic parents

[@KelliCoalburner]

Thank you for all you do, Jay. This one is so accurate to my experience, it isn't funny. I'll add that in family mobbing systems, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins will also work for the Narc, reinforcing these false beliefs in the scapegoat.

[@diatribe5]

Yeah, that whole flying monkeys thing was why I didn’t even stay in touch with any other relatives as an adult, even though I knew my grandparents loved me and I loved them too, but anything would always somehow go back to the cruel sadistic parents I had to stay away from because they were so toxic.

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

The family Narco-Psycho Mafias, how can one ever grow there?

[@nicj5354]

Yes! Family mobbing was the worst experience. I think it's the reason I don't trust a single human and probably never will.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

I agree.

[@wimtimmerman6730]

Hi Jay, thanks so much for this video. I myself, as the scapegoat to a gransiose malignant narcissist father, have, unfortunately, lived through this awful and debilitating scenario as well. Though talented, I always felt that it wasn't right to employ my talents and be an adult. That's fortunately changed now, but sometimes I still 'mourn' the many years I 've lost in this way. Being an adult is having your own opinions, convictions, preferences and tastes, which is unacceptable to the narcissist, as this questions the ultimate validity and superiority of their own opinions, which is simply unacceptable to them. This has been very insightful Jay, thanks for that!

[@SendItForward]

I appreciate the "story" of Ira. My husband NEVER asked me to do something for him and he NEVER said please or thank you but when I did the same to him, he acted disgruntled and would either take his time or say "why can't you do it?" If I was busy already doing something else and said "just a minute" he'd say, "I need it NOW" or would question me what I was doing that was sooooo important! Expected me to always EXPLAIN myself, actions, preferences etc. to the point that I still struggle with accepting my own reasons as good and adequate. MY reasons and MY ways not his!!!

[@lolo9553ify]

I was chosen by parents to be the scapegoat, the 'no-good, never-will-be-any-good lowlife' of the nuclear unit. They needed to project their insecurities onto me so that they could function as the model neighbors and family. I felt crushed for years, afraid to go out and mingle with other people. In my junior year of H.S., I finally had a small group of friends who accepted me. I didn't know why they accepted me but having that little bit of support propelled me to take up gymnastics again and I joined my school team. Neither my parents nor anyone else in the family came to 2 years worth of meets. I wasn't great but I could flip and was happy flipping. Doing it despite the lack of recognition helped me survive my high school years and left me with the notion that finding what I liked to do could help me. I felt completely unprepared for adulthood. Didn't have any confidence or power. I didn't get back up until my mid-30s when I found theater. Finding what you like to do can give you power over your own life. Learning about what happened to you is also extremely helpful. Thanks.

[@freebird189]

Jay could you please do a video on how narc parents pity the child? Something like a mix of contempt and pity of the same exact milestones goals that they prevented in the child in the first place? An in depth analysis of this would be extremely helpful thank you 🙏🏼 much love and respect ❤

[@freebird189]

the best way I can describe this is like -- they are domineering, gain power, and then when the victim falls they pity and gain more power.... can you please do a video on this

[@freebird189]

@@xw7450 I experienced this all my life and have not yet understood how to truly heal from this specific kind of being attacked through pity

[@janettemartin4604]

@@xw7450 they use the "poor you" to FAKE IT! They NEVER gave a shit! Why do you think random strangers notice OBVIOUS THINGS when you don't!? AND THEN the parent HAS TO interject!

[@freebird189]

@@xw7450 you explained it really well it's kind of tough to explain

[@nancybartley4610]

@@xw7450 Would this explain why they rescue you sometimes? The problem is the rescue is love bombing. I thought it meant my mom loved me. She showed no interest in me in any other way.

[@freebird189]

the best way I can describe this is like -- they are domineering, gain power, and then when the victim falls they pity and gain more power.... can you please do a video on this

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Yes

[@emlijo]

You said as an example that the boy always heard demands from his father, and never got ASKED to do something. For me to hear that, was like ”wait, you could get asked to do something?”. And I tried to put myself in that situation as a child and how it would feel. I didn’t even know how that felt. I have always only heard demands from both of my parents, all my childhood and adulthood. I’m getting close to 40 now and they still do it (or did it, I now don’t have any contact with them since half a year). I also understand now why everything took such a turn for me in my early adulthood. I have never understood why my mom turned against me and why her abuse got so much worse in my late teenage years when I started to become an adult. 😔 it’s really sad. But it’s soothing to hear an explanation for it and finally understand it. Thank you!

[@tiadobi6932]

IRA and I had the same tyrannical (non)father. No narc parent is nurturing because narcs are devoid empathy. If there's nurturing witnessed by others, it's a facade done for image sake. Thank you Jay for speaking on this subject. Would love to hear more on not being afraid to be powerful; I believe this is the crux of CPTSDers struggles for a successful life issue. Your delivery is clear and ideas well expressed. 🌈💁🌹🌿🌳🌊

[@Ed-lian]

Hello, I'm a scapegoat survivor. I found this video helpful. To mirror myself and hear things that are familiar to me. I also feel that saying something is stupid and inappropriate. I have an enormous feeling of anxiety after I have said something. When I speak to adults, or to a doctor or social worker, I feel that they get angry when I share my opinion and knowledge on the subject. That I have to be submissive. Like they treat me like a mental patient and they must be the superior ones. I have a feeling this is the real case. But I don't know, maybe it's my perception. And I need to change my mindset.

[@annastone5624]

I understand your feelings. But it might not just be your perception, you may gravitate towards people who need to be superior, that often happens. It’s good to question the external as well as the internal.

[@Ed-lian]

@annastone5624 Oh yes that might be. It is a good advice to look at both aspects. The internal and the external. Maybe it's complex. I got a new social worker who doesn't know me. I explained some some insights that I had a narcissistic mother. And I'm working on processing that and becoming aware of it. The social worker had little understanding. Said things that don't really apply to me. That I should forgive, and the mother didn't do that intentional and so on. I said oh, I know she can not have the full insight on the matter what a cover narcissist is, because it is z topic one must have really good overview in it. She was offended and said she knew about the subject. She has read a book about the topic. It's mostly about narcissists in partnerships. I thought I worded something wrong. That she felt that I have said she is not educated enough. And there are also other conversations with people where I feel this discrepancy. That they feel in the top position and I should stay beneath them. Instead of equal... Maby I attract such people as well. Thank you !

[@annastone5624]

Yes I went through years of a pattern of confiding in new people and being sorely disappointed at their reactions.. I hadn’t thought to ask ‘but is THIS person safe’ ? I guess it was desperation and just plain need and also having no template for what a safe person was, so I didn’t know what to look for.. If it were me, I’d hold off discussing the subject with real-life humans for a while. Give yourself time to figure it out for yourself first. I now always try to remember to pause and ask ‘is this person safe?’ ‘What evidence do I have that they are a genuine ally wanting the best for me?’ Even when they are getting paid to help me, it no guarantee they are a healthy individual. Best of luck on your journey, trust yourself first.

[@Ed-lian]

@annastone5624 Thanks for this helpful comment. I find myself reflected in it Yes, I trust too quickly. And don't ask myself,'Is this person safe?' I should learn to remember that when I meet people too. For example, with the new social worker. I find it difficult because I want to experience safety. And that people agree with me. I will learn caution. It's good to hear I'm not the only person who has had this behavior. And I can learn to remember to pause and not to trust right away. I now have a more neutral feeling about approaching this person. So that I can just see what she is like without having to judge it. No matter who that person is. I didn't know before if I should feel threatened. - Or can I build trust with this person. Now I think I have no idea. But there are several ways it can develop. Just don't be too trusting. I am also trying to leave the narcissist topic aside. All the best and love to you too.

[@Ed-lian]

@@annastone5624 I was looking for this comment.. Because I remembered that there are good thoughts in there. Now I have translated it piece by piece. Because German is my mother tongue. It is very valuable to me your comment. I just wanted to let you know.

[@uncleiroh0989]

You described exactly how I was raised. The part where Ira packaged his insight as an apology made my jaw drop.

[@annastone5624]

‘Reclaim their Power from Storage’!!! 💖💖💖💖💖 Can’t wait for this video!! ‘Mislabelled as poor self-esteem’ wow, yes..

[@grapeapeskates]

This is so accurate. This is exactly the mechanism used by the narcissist, and they are soul killing. It is Unrelenting and Horrific.

[@pjhotcoco]

narcs are good hiders. im older now, this is my advice for younger people..stay single til death, fur babes only, keep your living space yours at all times or prepare for a lot of pain and suffering. if you have the ability and choice, it's my advice. you don't have to follow the flock, stay educated, stay smart, stay safe

[@HomeFromFarAway]

It would be really helpful to hear examples of coercive, sabotaging and manipulative narcissists instead of so many identical authoritarian types. It's sometimes hard to relate since that is not my experience of narcissistic abuse

[@kristinadutton3259]

Jay, can you address disgust as it relates to one’s narcissistic parents? A sense of disgust- even nausea- arises when I have an epiphany listening to your videos, or when I realize I’m subconsciously defending myself I’m often disgusted by my family or others. It also arises toward myself following an epiphany or difficult interaction, though I often don’t see the link until later.

[@diatribe5]

Who wouldn’t feel disgusted knowing the disgusting situation they’ve been thrust into and was trapped in?

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

I used to vomit a lot as a child , now I realise that that happened to me with my narco genitor in proximity. Poison to me!

[@JSmillaa]

Search “rude body wisdom“ on Google and check out the top result

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

They disgust me too and would make anyone want to hurl. (Imo).

[@everyonehasincommon1216]

I sometimes fast forward the parts where Jay gives patient's stories bc I just can't take it

[@booginas]

Thank you for this teaching. It was SO eye 👁pening! It explains why it was (and STILL is) so hard for me to accept my parents as being narcissists, EVEN THOUGH they show me they are through their actions every day. When I was grade school/middle school age, it felt as if they genuinely loved me and cared for me. But starting with high school on up they started showing outright disdain 4 me even though I NEVER got in trouble & was in a ton of extra-curricular activities which reflected well on them. But it was also around that time I started being more unmoving in my personal convictions. Even though I sensed the reason, you articulated it better. They started resenting me the older I got because I grew out of that age range where they still believed they could mold me into their image. As long as I was still malleable as a lil' child, then they could ✌🏾love✌🏾 me easier. The cognitive dissonance of being "love-b💣mbed" for years as a lil' child from birth to high school causes when trying to cope with suddenly being treated like the worst enemy of the 2 people who claimed you were their world is earth-shattering. I felt there has to be something wrong with MY perception & recollection of events in order to make sense of the "day & night" behavior of my parents because I didn't want to accept their "unconditional love" WAS nothing BUT conditional, although I sensed thos emotionally since I was a young child. I knew they didn't really mean it when they saud "You can tell us anything & we won't be mad" cuz I can't tell them ANYTHING that goes against the narratives in their heads or they will RAGE 🤬 against me, no matter how respectful I am with my opinions. I don't know if I'll ever fully be at peace at the contradiction in their behavior towards me in my younger years & the stark change in their behavior when I became a young adult. But thanks for giving me a new perspective to process my thoughts.

[@makeshiftmasquerade]

This video hurt so much to watch. I am 25 now and I am grieving every day about this particular subject… I am not very successful, because my support systems are very flaky and I only have my parents to rely on for things I need to physically survive. Being autistic means I can’t just run away and be fine by myself. I need medications to function day to day effectively, and I have trouble working enough hours in my current job to get enough money to afford things while also paying my parents even a cheap rent of 180$ a week. Taking risks and finding better jobs, working on making things to make myself a better candidate for jobs, and looking for roommates is too mentally exhausting in the environment I am in right now. I hate myself for not “growing up and escaping already” despite being limited in almost every possible way from doing so.

[@marthamoreno1539]

This is pure Gold! Thank you so much! I remember dreading going home after cheerleading practice. Because I had to cook and clean before I can even start on my homework and take care of my siblings. Sometimes I would be up past 11pm doing my homework. I actually volunteered to take care of my siblings too and other peoples kids, subconsciously I think I volunteered because I got some good validation from people saying I took better care of the kids than my mom and since I didn’t get too many well dones from my parents this was a small way of getting some positivity. Thanks so much for this guidance.

[@janeylynn5934]

This is the first narc abuse video that I’ve seen on this topic, and it describes my life perfectly. I remember being terrified of becoming a teenager as a kid, because of the fear of not being loved by my parents anymore when I did. As a teen and young adult, I often felt guilty for growing up, although in reality, I never fully did grow up. I developed health issues over the years, and have been forced to live with my narc parents for life, as I’m not able to work enough to support myself financially.

[@billytitus1519]

Thank you Dr. Reid. I quit med school over this in my early twenties, my body rejected my parents through my bipolarity. We won’t be denied, even our bodies won’t allow it. Thank you.

[@anntrope491]

Three things every child needs...1), Acceptance. ..i.e. unconditional love. 2), Validation. ..an Atta boy/girl when the child pitches in, or accomplishes something positive. 3), Encouragement...what do you want to do with your life...I'll help you get there. Three things the children of narcs never got....ALL OF THE ABOVE !! NOW WE NEED TO GIVE THESE THINGS TO OURSELVES.

[@pryncecharming2133]

Amen.

[@stanleydrive740]

I am watching this one a third time. There is so much to learn herein. Dear Mr. Reid, you are actually explaining to me my childhood! It's as if you were there. As I learn more, I feel a knot loosening, letting me be freer. I know I will watch this one many times. You are genuinely life-saving. I thank you so much!

[@scarletohara6743]

I am with you 100 percent. This lecture needs re-watching because it is so rich and freeing.

[@10Hags5]

Sometimes I also feel Jay and I grew up from the same home😅.

[@Charmenda]

Iras therapist sounds really good If I could find someone like that then maybe theres hope off recovery

[@politereminder6284]

This is such a useful channel for narcissistic and scapegoat recovery. My favorite, actually. Your roadmap is simple and consistent, and your focus is on the recoverer, not on the toxic people, which is helpful for us co-dependents

[@JeanMarcSaintLaurent]

Are there any resources on mourning the life you’ve lost due to narcissists?

[@juneelle370]

Daniel Mackler’s channel has some good videos on grief too… also, I’ve found Clarissa Pinkola Estes audiobooks helpful as well… to me grief is the processing of reality with a clear eye and moral compass (that also includes ourselves) and thereby letting LIFE and good grow... death fertilizing the growth of now…I believe what death teaches us is the value of love and life. For example, when a pet dies, the grieving is for the loss of the friend, for his/her own sake and the connection… it shows how little material processions/anything mean in comparison… that processing death is a reality of life and Love is the highest value of life. In grieving family/human abuses, lack of loving connection, what is dying are the lies, the old confusing moral compass that was wielded for control… and the fantasies of healin/correcting toxic relationships… in death of fantasies and illusions there is birth of new life within ourselves in a true reality that can be navigated… the creative fire of our true self, uncorrupted by lies is still here and can be lived… the love/nurturing we long for, fulfilled 🌼 creativity/music/movement, the simple, ancient human tools of healing and happiness… loving the new normal and developing it! Hurdles arise but it’s an internal daily (spiritual too for me) practice of energy/emotions within love… love is what’s natural ❤️ for me grieving was the recognition of lies and the leaving of fantasy, compassion for the lost ones (abusers) and protection of myself as well… I don’t think of it as lost years, but years in deep lessons that have great value to life, to now.

[@dotsyjmaher]

@@juneelle370 VERY good assessment..but my compassion for my abusers..FINALLY ran out and I walked away 30 years ago...and they STILL managed to steal from me...when I had just been critically injured by a criminally negligent employer.... LOL...They are pure and simple psychopaths...masquerading as pillars of the community.

[@sharonclarke1876]

I was the scapegoat in the family. I always had a hard time growing up, having goals and just feeling worthwhile. 😪 thanks for the information 🙏

[@DontJustStandThere]

You know that "one time" you always remember vividly, THE ONE that you'd have to say, if asked, changed course of your life? Mine was at 16, one of many times blamed for something I did not do, by the one person who was SUPPOSED to care about me, make me feel safe, show me how to love. My mother. I was in my room, was one and only time I''ve felt moved to self harm. Scratched my wrists and face with a hanger. I was so distressed. LIfe was so unfair. I got As in school, a nice, normal teenager. Why did my mom hate me, blame EVERYTHING on me, and not my brother or sister? I was not different. In fact, I got better grades, had more friends, was more active in school clubs & activities. Yet NOTHING I did was right. Mom HATED me, LIED about me constantly. Dad worked all the time. I think he knew, he just didn't know what to do. I digress. I will never forget lying in my room, in fetal position. I wanted to die. In that moment, words came to mind. "I will show them." I will never forget that moment. Did I show them? Damn straight I did. Several years later, first to graduate from college, earning big bucks $200K+ in my mid 20s selling IT. Got married to the perfect guy, gave birth the perfect kids ... 7 years later asked for a divorce, after finding out my husband was a serial cheater. After that, it was a terrible blur, consisting of defeat & repeating stories which involved me trusting someone then being burnt. Not just a "little burn," but SCORCHED. BETRAYED BEYOND BELIEF. By those I love(d). I'm one of those who believe maybe something weird happened to consciousness in 2012/13. Only way my mind can make sense of it. That, or I've got some big time shadow work to do, hence the reason for the do-overs. It's BRUTAL being the scapegoat. It doesn't make sense. It is not just. Just when you least expect it, it shatters you into little pieces, the pain is unimaginable. I try to see the beauty and blessing in my chosen life path, but on same days (like today) I struggle.

[@prahslra]

Amazing. I resonated strongly with this. Every word is true. At nearly 40 I fell in love with a man who perfectly represented my narcissistic father - but I was unconscious of everything: of my father’s narcissism, of what it had done to me, and how I was instinctively drawn to reenact that relationship dynamic. It took 23 years for me to wake up to what was going on, especially my collusion in perpetual abuse. I’ve been single and in therapy for the last 6 years. For me, this has been a long and painful journey, but it’s my journey, and I’ve got a map now.

[@KarenTheisen]

Wow… this is my experience in a nutshell. I have come to the realization of me sabotaging my own life but this so perfectly explains the why. I live in florida and have always been searching for answers. This is Hugh for me, Thank you Jay❤

[@sorayacadi7104]

I have never heard anyone speak to this so precisely! Yes. This was a prevailing feeling in my 20's, 30's, and on.... taking on differeint maladaptive habits of hiding.

[@projectacuhope]

My father has two chips in his brain when it comes to dealing with my feelings. 1) the tune out chip 2) the annoyance chip. He mostly filters with the tune-out chip, but sometimes he filters with the annoyance chip. The tune out chip means he ignores my needs completely. The annoyance chip means he annoyingly listens, begrudgingly does something about it... maybe... often not. I usually have to fix the problem myself which was always my fault anyway for having a problem at all.

[@amberfuchs398]

"The narcissistic parent only recognizes the scapegoat child as someone at their mercy." Strong relate. Go along, OR ELSE!

[@TalkingWeirdStuff24]

There's so much I could say about this video, but the one thing I'll say now is this: it's so strange to hear about therapists who actually dig under the surface of what the client says. It feels like every therapist and most mental health workers I've ever had take everything I say at face value and never tease out underlying motivations. I am so messed up by my parent's abuse that most times I can't actually express how I feel: it's hidden under layers of coded speech like Ira with his therapist. But my therapists just sit there and listen and then don't really do anything about anything. My last therapist felt like she didn't want to do any work as a trained mental health professional, she just wanted to sit there and watch me make myself better. I stopped going to her when she more or less started agreeing that I was a bad person and there was something inherently wrong with me. Then when I was gobsmacked and told her I couldn't believe she had said that, she told me 'you can't expect everyone to be perfect all the time'.

[@sophialewis5474]

A narcisst therapist. They sadly exist. I have found it hard to find a therapist who understands recovery from narcissistic abuse.

[@lorrainenicoletti6232]

My God this is so smart and clear, so much said . Thankyou , this is EXACTLY ALL OF it. LAYERED REASONS all happening at the same time , over and over and over and over and over again. Decades of breaking one down. Until there is Nothing inside to love in oneself.. I am the Eldest sibling of a malignant Narcissistic Mother. Eldest of five. I AM THE SCAPEGOAT. of the family. Cruel ugly destruction. Soul murder No less than SOUL MURDER. Thank you 🙏🏻

[@khadijaejaz]

So messed up how you're describing my childhood word for word. Who knew there was such clarity out there?

[@catherinesinclair7727]

Drew energy from his inner resources rather then being threatened by them..wow

[@bradwetzler]

I’ve learned so much from you, Jay. I wanted you to know that your wisdom runs through my new memoir, Into the Soul of the World:My Journey to Healing, which was published by a major publisher this year. Just thank you!

[@moirabijker]

Jay, thank you for this excellent video. I relate completely. Although my parents gave the appearance of wanting me to grow up and become self-dependant they actually relished every time I would falter. I became an alcoholic (like my dad) and of course this made my role as scapegoat more pronounced. These times of being reviled and pitied by my family was interspersed with times of being "chosen" for good things, like going overseas. It was all so crazy making. Anyway, 3 years no contact with the mother and siblings and I am gaining a better understanding of my true self. I am finally becoming a self-reliant and responsible adult. And not a day to soon as I have young children to raise. I can get a better understanding now too of how to be a supportive parent with unconditional love as my children will soon enter adolescence. I am very grateful towards you for all this valuable information.

[@dotsyjmaher]

Rough one today.. I had to stop..I kept disassociating in the first few minutes..and involuntarily going back to Junior high school in my mind... That is a hard transition for normal kids.. Mine was SO weird because I was the top graduate of my grammar school... and somehow the Junior high school thought that should be the criterion for becoming a CHEERLEADER..WTF? LOL My CRAZY ABUSIVE MAW NOW THOUGHT I WAS WONDERFUL.. she obviously wanted to live through me..I was going to be the smart, pretty academically gifted cheerleader..LOLOL.. After NEVER buying me clothes ( relatives did)... I suddenly got all kinds of crazy sh*t ..TOO big ( I pinned everything)..CRAZY colors..CRAZY shoes..lol.. Oh dear...if a friend of my aunt's had not been my size ...and very flighty and generous..I would have been the strangest dresser in the school.. This VERY generous lady had MORE BEAUTIFUL clothes everytime I went by to visit my aunt..lol I REALLY looked good in HER almost new hand me downs... BUT...had to hide the fact that I did not wear my "mother's CLOWN CLOTHES... WOW... So I went back to the video...and kept saying out loud..Uh huh...Un huh Un huh and seeing the movie of my TRYING to be ME...and getting more CLOWN CLOTHES for my "Ninth Grade Party" which ...I HAD to wear... I went...sneaked out the side..taking the bus home.. SHE had taken my sisters TO THE SCHOOL to take pictures of me in my GIANT DRESS..LOL..AND REALLY WEIRD SHOES..LOL She came HOME SCREECHING..."EVERYBODY SAID YOU LEFT... YOU LEFT ALL THOSE CUTE BOYS...WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU" ..LOL I said.."You always get mad if dinner is late" And kept on cooking.. She was SO confused she forgot to hit me... WHAT A SH*T show of a life... I got immediately into the big band first flute in one year, sold my cheerleader outfit to a girl who really wanted to be one...negotiated with the advisor to let her have my place..gave mother her money back..she was pissed beyond belief...but when she got more than she paid for it..AGAIN total confusion.. I won The French Award An Art award And was on a display as "How a student SHOULD DRESS."..LOLOLOL... NOT IN HER CLOWN CLOTHES...But in the very nice lady's hand me downs.. I really wondered how long I could survive the BS... In high school OF COURSE..she upped the ante..UGH... It is a miracle I am still alive and NOT A SERIAL KILLER..LOL

[@bittersweetkark]

I know this is for survivors but I also find his valuable to as a future parent seeing what behaviors will repeat the cycle of abuse. I would hate to make my daughter or son feel like they are not allowed to build their own individual strengths and identity.

[@olentangyriver1191]

I grew up with severe narcissist parents, I left a few years ago, but I have been alone for three years, I hardly ever leave the house because I don't believe anyone could ever care about me, my mind is so damaged from bullying in school and abuse at home, I honestly think i will always be alone, I know my life is destroyed beyond compare..

[@pryncecharming2133]

I really hear you. This was me years ago. But keep healing. It will get better. ❤

[@nefertitei12]

Absolutely eye-opening and I'm well into my 50's. Finally some logical answers for me... thank you🙏🏾❤️

[@bumblebee_ms]

You summed up my whole life in one video, Jay. My whole life has been hell on earth, and healing has been tough completely on my own.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Same, it's been very tough for me as well.

[@bumblebee_ms]

@@TheLordsbattleaxeSo sad to hear it. Not a good thing to have to go thru.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

@@bumblebee_ms not at all.

[@dark7angel456]

Ive been emotionally/mentally abandoned for years. I like these videos when i feel unbearable emotional abandonment. I feel crippled often i dont even go out anymore Thanks again.

[@chickenbiscuit4525]

Deep and congruent analysis this episode Dr Reid. I see your talents to guide the scapegoat/victim out into the wilder pastures. 🙏

[@JCTBomb]

Unbelievably well said. OMG, so relatable. Christ help me! I got the most abuse once I started to try to be an adult. Then all the sudden they wanted to baby me and insult me and put me down. Un-fucking-believable.

[@kellilang6482]

This video resonated with me. I was lucky enough to escape my narcissist mother's home at the age of 18, when I married my one and only friend. Only a few months later, my mother tried to take her own life. I think that losing her scapegoat triggered those feelings of worthlessness in her - with me gone and "grown up," she was forced to face her own feelings of worthlessness. I remember feeling that if I hadn't escaped, she would've kept me bound to her forever. Looking back, I think my instincts were right.

[@stanleydrive740]

There are so many insights inspired by this video, helping me to at last understand how my life played out at each stage. So very grateful, Dear Jay🧡🧡🧡

[@Giggledoors0]

Any time I expressed my future, my desires and dreams I was consistently threatened with all the ways in which I could not make it on my own. They wouldn’t accept me. Wouldn’t accept my chronic illness ( was dx with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis at 12), with no state ever giving me medical insurance because I had a pre existing condition that no insurance would insure (which is total BS). I was told I could never leave her, leave the state that I was in at the time because I would lose all my medical insurance and care. They use all the things that make you vulnerable against you. And it worked. I never left. Every time I tried I got put right back. I had gotten accepted to a private art college at 22 that was hard to get into. My financial aid fell through and I didn’t know how to fix it or who to go to for help because I never wanted to be a burden. So I went to work. My parents were oblivious or maybe really they were not. I through away my dream just like that. I thought I probably didn’t deserve to go to that college in the first place. They were so oblivious to our struggles they never even knew that I was accepted. Always busy with themselves. My poor sister was in another state going to night school at an alternative school and working in a factory full of older people she didn’t need to be around. Earning her keep as a full time housekeeper for our grandparents for them letting her stay at their house all while she was only 17.

[@lorrainenicoletti6232]

Why aren’t there groups to go to ? To be together in a community ? I want to be in a community of survivors. Please

[@spiritualqueen2745]

Omg this is me! I feel so powerless and stuck in my life. So I am really working on regaining my power

[@chilloften]

My mother always wished upon me a daughter as bad/wrong as I was. Ends up I got pregnant very young and had a son. At 9 months old I left my son in my parents care while I attended school, all week. I’d pick him up weekends. That was a very very huge mistake I made at young age, although the easiest. That son, whom I dearly love, was extremely abusive towards my daughter that was four years younger. My little family was tragically destroyed from the inside out.