How to avoid miscommunication and misunderstandings (STOP OVER EXPLAINING!)

Is there a secret to how to avoid miscommunication and misunderstandings?
Personally, when faced with misunderstanding, I tend to become even more direct and even more blunt, over-explaining to make sure there’s no room for error, but that often backfires. It seems that the more words I use, the higher the chance of misunderstanding. In this video, I will share effective strategies on how to avoid miscommunication and misunderstandings in social situations.
Link to free webinar: event.webinarjam.com/register...
🎞️Timestamps:
0:00 Introduction
2:19 The Strategies on How to Respond
3:19 The Source of Misunderstanding
9:35 The Emotional Intelligence Skillsets
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If you're autistic or think you or someone you love might be on the autism spectrum, this channel is for you!
I'm Paul Micallef, and I discovered my own autism at age 30.
Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this channel in the first place because if I didn't show you, you would never know.
Autism affects many (if not all!) aspects of our lives, so on this channel, I want to show you what Autism looks like in real people and give you some insight into what's happening for us on the inside. We'll break down myths and misconceptions, discuss how to embrace autism and live well, and share what it's like to be an autistic person.
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~ Paul
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[@Gideon_Judges6]

So the dishes were clean, and they were in one place (not everywhere). I would say they poorly communicated. It wasn't a misunderstanding.

[@danieldaniels7571]

Exactly. That text wasn’t even worthy of a reply or any additional time or mental energy.

[@Low760]

If you were The one asking to get them away, and you've always called them dirty dishes until they are packed away, then assume everyone else knows what you're talking about, yeah. It is misunderstanding with phrases.

[@thecreativemastermin]

Cleaning is not the same as drying and putting away. If you tell me to clean after seeing that I've already cleaned, it's you who's miscommunicating - not me. Although I do understand why Paul did this - he is just too good

[@danieldaniels7571]

@@Low760 if you call dishes that aren’t dirty “dirty dishes” then that’s on you. That’s almost as absurd as calling them wingnuts. Words have meanings.

[@tsblanca]

You did a beautiful job verbalizing this. It's EXACTLY the communication problem that wreaks havoc on our marriage. I could see that you made a change in behavior but the other person didn't find your change to becompletely adequate. They wanted you to finish the task fully by putting the dishes away. Instead of explaining that little tidbit, they just reitereated their initial complaint, like you were supposed to know the ENTIRE process they envisioned.

[@EmmaLemmon]

Also make sure the person with whom you're having a "misunderstanding" isn't a gas lighting narcissist. That will help.

[@bk3720]

I agree. I don’t always gaslight, but when I do, it’s The barbecue grill that’s getting gaslit.😁😁😁

[@kensears5099]

Absolutely. They are out there, and it takes discernment.

[@kevinbissinger]

Yeah my biggest problem in life has been taking people at their word by default

[@Lithvel]

How does it look like talking to a narcissist that gaslights? I am asking because I feel insecure of how such interaction looks like. Could you give some examples please, if possible. Thank you

[@KerryNeeds]

Yes or ableist

[@pamloader5416]

Personally, I think the other person has the greater communication problem in this instance. Infact, perhaps the only communication problem. ❤

[@ronaldflint681]

YES!

[@SeverusFelix]

So many times in my life. "I would have done what you wanted if you'd actually said what you wanted!"

[@victorhugotoledocofre1366]

Why do we autistic people always have to be putting up with some neurotypical people's inability to be more specifical and/or their lack of attention to detail? Just because we're a minority?

[@ros8986]

Hi Victor Hugo - NT is a different language, like french or russian or japanese. Each person, including NT's, communicates in ways that are suited to them as a person, their abilities, their understanding, their needs, their likes.

[@Kewlausgirl]

Yes, thank you! One of the other issues I get is people often think I'm meaning something else or I'm being devious with my comments. But I'm like... I'm repeating what I said before to clarify it with you. What shits me the most is people will often say I'm honest and I have integrity, but then think these things and it's like.. Dude you know I don't play stupid games with people coz I just.. Can't. I suck at it. I'm going through miscommunications with work ATM as well. They are too NT and just don't get working with diversity. I've Only just been diagnosed with ADHD and now looking for autism assessment... But they were trying to look for ways to help me so I can do the work. But all I get is "you need to work on your communication issues." And when I told my manager that he needs to be clearer with his instructions, I get, "you need to ask more questions if you are unsure". I'm not unsure. I understand what the hell he told me to do! It's his miscommunication that's causing me grief in the first place. -_- the lack of ownership on them to be more accommodating is why I'm looking for another job. For example, I received a list of desktops that I need to replace with laptops. My manager said in the email: "Please find my comments below. Please raise a ticket for reach request (yes he made a mistake there) and keep them in your queue." To me, this reads as "Raise each incident request as per the comments below." What would work better for me is "Please raise an incident for each desktop listed below, you will see further comments below."

[@neilrichardson7454]

Short answer, we live in an NT world.😊

[@catherinecarter8987]

Sometimes nt people treat us the same as they would nt people. Most nt's have no idea what difficulties we have negotiating the world and communication issues. Sadly, masking has not helped because there is no allowance made for our difference because nt's often don' t even know we are autistic or what our needs are. It is unlikely they would even read up to understand what autism is about . As a result, they can be as confused as we are but in a neurotypical way. The neurotypical people often think we are awkward, rude, stupid, self centred, narcissistic and all because they either do not know we are even autistic or what our divergence entails. This is the very reason that Autism awareness is so important. Thank you Paul for raising this issue. It is a 'small' one on the surface, but like a needle, can prick and hurt so easily and cause 'infection' sometimes ie toxic relationships .

[@hdhdu7634]

Unfortunately yes - it's always on us to conform to them, because they outnumber us so badly, that it we tried to correct every single person at came into contact with, we'd waste our whole lives doing it. Plus, we're the ones who suffer the consequences, so what motivation do they have to change?

[@lifetimeactor6789]

I feel like "normies" can be thoughtless as much as they want yet somehow it's always our fault.

[@kensears5099]

Yes, yes, yes! This resonates with me...WILDLY. I know ASD is "by definition" a "disorder," but...really, does it ever seem to you that it's, well, everybody ELSE who's somehow "disordered"? I mean, WHY wouldn't a person even stop to consider the horribly screwed-up message they're communicating by suggesting you're doing all the things you AREN'T? You're not leaving "dirty" dishes, and you're not leaving them "everywhere" (like, what, strewn all over the house?). Yet I find over and over again in life that the supposedly "normal" people so inconsiderately, sloppily, almost sadistically vaguely formulate their thoughts (or half-thoughts), and then, bizarrely, you're the bad (belligerent) one for having had no clue what they meant. And if you dare explain why you couldn't understand (I didn't understand because you said 'dirty' when you were talking about clean dishes and you said 'everywhere' when you actually meant in the drying rack), then you're doubly guilty for being both inconsiderate AND some kind of supercilious nitpicker ("Oh, so now you're going to tell me how to talk, too?"). And it just boggles my mind beyond all expression how some people simply cannot hear the mangled, unintelligible nonsense they're spewing and holding other people guilty for a truly natural and innocent incapacity to make hide nor hair of it.

[@markwright3161]

We need to get 'Communication Deficit Disorder' recognised. :)

[@ExkupidsMom]

RIGHT? I'm the one who communicates very, very clearly. I say exactly what I mean, and then the crazy NTs interpret it to mean something other than what I said. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT????

[@AnthonyWade7]

Yes

[@kensears5099]

@@ExkupidsMom 😄 More than once, and increasingly so in recent years, and perhaps because of our toxically politicized age where people "read into" just about EVERYTHING, I have found myself needing to tell people, "When I said X, I meant precisely and only X. Not X with a subtext of Y. Not X hinting at Z. Not X but the logical inference must be A, B and C. NO. X, only X, and nothing else. Everything else you thought it meant, it didn't, and so there will be no further conversation about Y, Z, A, B and C, because I couldn't possibly be less interested in Y, Z, A, B and C." And if the other person is being particular snotty about it, I might add, "So if you really can't fight the urge to pursue Y, Z, A, B and C, find somebody who's interested. Bye." Thankfully, though, the occasion for that curt tag-line is very rare.

[@Bibbzter666]

Excellent analysis. I was thinking more or less the same thing when I was listening to the video.

[@linden5165]

So often when supporting other autistic people it's apparent that they have blamed themselves and assumed miscommunication when actually it's someone else being unkind and exploiting their apologetic nature. It's a possibility to keep on the radar. If the relationship is good with trust, generosity and kindness it's easier to navigate comminication and there is less misinterpretation. I still have communication mismatches with my NT husband of 20 years. Usually him using imprecise language and saying "you know what I mean". I never do! 😂

[@Do-U-Know-me00]

Why do WE have to put up with that? Why can't your husband just learn the more effective and clearer way to communicate with you. Surely, he isn't stupid. They can manage to accommodate you if you had a walker, but not by simply learning a more effective communication style? WTF?

[@linden5165]

@@Do-U-Know-me00 We get there, but it's a process, it requires mutual translation and both of us making an effort to bridge the gap. I don't know that any mixed neurotype partnership ever achieves perfectly synchronised communication does it? I don't even think two NTs together do, and I know many in autistic pairings who still struggle. It's more about what happens when someone says they don't understand - does the other person shut down, express frustration and criticise, or do they make the effort to connect. My husband makes the effort and that's enough.

[@jeo1812]

I often have reply, "If I knew what you meant, I wouldn't be asking for clarification" In my last job, I made my boss upset because apparently I'd ask for clarification all the time, and would actively ignore my questions.Then, the one time I did something without clarification I got in trouble, "You always ask beforehand, I'm surprised you didn't ask this time around!"

[@KpopZuko]

@@linden5165 mine does, but I got VERY, VERY lucky with them. They are NT, but they can basically translate everything I say.

[@ExkupidsMom]

This is 1000% what happens. i'm not being argumentative. I'm trying to understand!

[@evemacdonald8654]

I agree, I aim to understand and be understood, not necessarily agreed with. I think half the worlds problems are based on misunderstandings, the other problems are actual problems that are challenging to solve because of misunderstandings.

[@Mental_Health_Gym]

For me, the hardest part was recognizing when the other person genuinely had no interest in clarifying our communication, and the healthiest decision on my part would have been to leave the situation instead of continuing to try to make it work. (In this specific case, they only wanted to be "right" and "win" any and all conversations with myself and/or other people.)

[@kylanvelpa3790]

Yeah I really struggle with that too honestly. I automatically assume that everyone finds disagreement uncomfortable enough that they want to resolve any conflict that arises. Yet some people don't seem to value getting along with strangers and some people thrive off conflict, and both of these types (among others I'm sure) won't value resolving issues with me. It kind of blows my mind because I always want a sense of closure one way or the other!

[@ladytakarazuka]

@@kylanvelpa3790 Thank you so much for this comment, I have the same issue about assuming that people will want to solve conflicts and misunderstandings...it is so disheartening then to witness what sometimes happens in daily life. It is soothing to read that I am not alone in this.

[@ivanaamidzic]

Yes!!!

[@sleepingroses761]

​@@ladytakarazukaI absolutely feel the same way! I often try the strategy of going a little more that halfway to accommodate the other person, in order to demonstrate/prove that I am not trying to hurt them. The problem is recognizing when the other person is only interested in whining about their problems with me, not in actually collaborating to solve the issues.

[@DCamp1271]

Yes, learning that some people don’t want to “resolve”, they want to score points on their invisible game board has been rather confusing. NDs tend to assume that we are the problem inherently, but in actuality other people are experiencing the same thing and processing differently. They seem to just understand the subtext of certain statements and conversational points, while we are actually trying to find the cooperative solution and not just saying oh! I guess you don’t like me..???

[@BobbieMcGee-sz7yo]

I think you're very patient. I agree with others that your housemate is inaccurately describing clean dishes as dirty. Leaving washed dishes to air dry in the rack is reasonable. If they then need to be sorted away, that could just be a polite request. I think the EQ steps you gave are helpful because this sort of thing does happen, you can't control others, but you can control your own reactions while you work towards a solution. So good advice. It's also interesting to observe that everyone has their own ideas and habits about how best to wash dishes!

[@DJDouglasWarden]

A message as simple as could you please put away your dishes after you wash and dry them would have sufficed

[@azu_rikka]

I am "the NT wife" and I would not have understood your flatmate either... In our marriage, we noticed that suspecting a misunderstanding first rather than assuming a problem helped us a lot. It gives a frustrating situation a pause and everything can be redirected. And your first two EQ steps have to be implemented as well.

[@ecm9251]

I'm getting more and more doubts about that "NT wife" thing. Have you ever been diagnosed NT?

[@azu_rikka]

@ecm9251 I am not socially, emotionally, and sensorially challenged. Does that count 😊?

[@marocat4749]

If its about the dishes , fully on them. And if its about talking and adression relationship issues and what problem they might have, its probably best to ignore the dishes and and talk about that in more terms testing if they have an issue against you or something. ?

[@delphinebez3045]

Well, let's try not to assume that we're the stupid ones in every situation. I am brutally honest, that's my autistic way. And frankly, if you really observe yourself and people correctly, you will find that direct questions and statements are much needed. Then you go back to your normal friendly self. Problem solved.

[@tsblanca]

Is it possible to be direct and friendly at the same time?

[@Catlily5]

​@@tsblanca I think so but it requires a delicate balance and won't work in every situation.

[@hannuhketo6391]

​@@tsblancaI think it depends on your culture in which situations that would be apropiate. I also think when you're looking for a roommate it's okay you prefer direct communication.

[@ApocApocrypha]

"STOP OVER EXPLAINING!" is probably my biggest struggle in life. If I want to invite people over for my birthday for example, I'll write them a 20 sentences text explaining everything and pretty much every time they'll read the first line and forget or ignore the rest, too much information. They only want to come over and deal with the rest once it's relevant while I need to plan everything in advance. In more direct interactions people around me know me well so it's less of a problem and I'm getting better at telling they understood and don't actually need more information. My girlfriend and I have a weekly calendar and chore list to be sure we don't misunderstand who should be doing what task or when someone is there or not. Telling her I need planning and clarity really helped our long term relationship.

[@markwright3161]

I've sent long detailed messages for various tasks and then had people then clearly show they skim-read or ignored it when it comes to doing the task a lot too. The problem I hit was I always went down the route of 'I didn't explain that clearly enough for them' too often, then tried to determine their psychological make-up from what they did do and how they act independently, then try to tailor a detailed explanation to that, or if it's a new person later, I try to cover multiple possibilities in one go, leading to even longer messages, and a higher likelihood they'll not read it all, then experience a lot of internal pain when I'm badmouthed behind my back by them for something I spent a lot of effort on actually covering in my initial message(s) to them, while they conclude I'm being difficult in one way or another, while I was trying to be the most accommodating of them that I possibly could. Having a brain that seemingly can foresee how things can and will go wrong in the future if that misunderstanding is allowed to go means I can't easily just let it go, I must be understood to avoid what is personally experienced like a future war or other mega-disaster, which sometimes made it the immediate future as we started circling the same point but missing the centre. I've also tried to understand people's motives this way too. What combination of character traits, personal understanding of what they've just said, etc puts them in the best light, makes them seem the least heartless, ignorant, etc? People can't all be as bad as they let themselves appear can they? On trying to understand that, I then try to communicate with that person I imagine they are to avoid triggering misunderstandings and negative interactions with them, but then they still happen and I feel like crap because it appears they're doing nothing to understand that the world isn't made up of clones of their own psychology and subsequent experiences and that they're interacting with someone with a completely different way of experiencing the world to them. At a simple example level, it's like they're a dog person who can't comprehend how anyone in their right mind could like cats or anything else, but in reality they're not understanding how grief, work environments, etc are experienced differently and how their solution(s) won't work for anyone but them and those with a shared neurological make-up, of which I am not. Sorry for over-sharing and autistic-momentum taking hold. :)

[@Do-U-Know-me00]

Dealing with the "normies" is F-ing exhausting! I really, don't care anymore. They are so bling about themselves, it's stunning. HELLO? anything going on in that bone dome? I don't think ther eis.

[@gregdietrich57]

IMO the "vague" request reflects that the other party is irritated, but is incapable or unwilling to make a polite request and instead is being a little bit snarky and maybe passive aggressive. "If you don't mind, I prefer that dishes are dried and put away rather than left out by the sink. Would you mind doing that for me?" is a completely different scenario, rather than unnecessarily creating stress and conflict.

[@jeremiahhazelton4496]

My reaction would have been something like: "Why have a drying rack if you want them dry right away?" I have sub-clinical austism and it seems like your example is in dealing with someone who has severe control issues. I have noticed that these kinds of misunderstandings happen when the other party expects mind-reading from you. The de-escalation process for this situation hurts my brain just thinking about it.

[@moartems5076]

Nah, theyre just making things up post-hoc. Thats why you cant mind read them

[@owieprone]

Because you don't wash-up and dry one item at a time. You wash, put on the rack to drain the water, then if you want you dry the rest off by hand OR leave them to air dry. It is up to the person whose house you're in to tell you their preference, if it's your partner and you share the house it's up to whoever's turn to dry to decide how it's getting done and when they will put the away (hint: not 5 days later). The rule in my house is if you buy you don't cook, if you cook you don't wash, if you wash you don't dry - turn and turn about.

[@jeremiahhazelton4496]

@@owieprone That makes perfect sense if it's another person's house for sure but if it's equal cohabitation that stuff should be discussed and agreed upon before even moving in together. I don't enjoy entering living situations where rules aren't firmly established from the get-go.

[@KimTiger777]

I have noticed that when socializing with people with high EQ I usually do quite well, they often are more mature people which allows me to have communication on emotional level and thereby human relations, it is like they are more forgiving to my poor EQ skills. With average EQ people it is a hit-and-miss kind when it comes to socializing, usually shared interests are the bridge that holds the communication up. With less then average EQ people I almost always fail to maintain even basic communication for a longer period. Very difficult to deal with unfortunately those people. Oddly enough when communicating with other autistic people then the EQ skillset isn't that important, it is like we have a common language of understanding EQ wise.

[@tattooedmomma]

The most common misunderstanding in my house is "next" Friday vs "this" Friday.

[@Do-U-Know-me00]

EXACTLY.... and I get the weirdest look when i ask that. I ask, I"m confused...did you mean the one coming up? OR the one after that? Ya know, after doing that for decades, the specific people I am referring to..STILL don't get it.

[@tattooedmomma]

@rcarda2063 after years I've finally learned that instead of trying to understand their meaning, i just ask which date they are talking about.

[@danieldaniels7571]

@@tattooedmomma that’s what I do. Always confirm the day and date and get it in writing.

[@Dezzyyx]

next means not the one coming up but the one after, which to me is confusing, as next to me indicates the thing to come well... next.. which is the nearest thing.

[@danieldaniels7571]

@@Dezzyyx that’s because next means immediately adjacent, which would be the next one coming up, not the one after it. Someone using next to mean anything else is using the word next wrong. Words have meanings.

[@LadyTygryComics]

With this sort of thing, I put it back on them to clarify; I say what I did. "Sorry, I've been washing my dishes right away. Did I miss one?" That tends to segue into them clarifying whatever they meant: "You didn't put them back in the cupboards after you washed them!" They can feel smart for correcting me and I can get on with my day.

[@Do-U-Know-me00]

The person was NOT CLEAR about what was wanted. I see, and get this more than I care for. People "expect" people to "know what I mean" when they were less than clear...As in YOUR example. What happens to me, is that after I get the real meaning form the person, they are aggravated at ME, and tell me, I should have known. IF I try to explain why I didn't, then I am "arguing with" them. It just amazes me these people can't see how they're not being clear, and DON'T say what they mean. It's NOT my job to guess what they want.

[@Crashbarrier09]

absolutely this.. I finally clued in to prefacing my questions with "i need more context" which seems to work better when trying to get clarification which seems to help mitigate the hostile or defensive responses.. it has helped a lot in the workplace, and at home with my partner because we stop having face offs because we both get defensive.. I also find that if i also ask, "can i check what your definition of a ### is?. it's not 100% perfect but it has helped a lot with standardising communication a bit without resorting to full on defensive mode.

[@owieprone]

I'm not sure my colleagues would get that. I've asked for clarification and stated my two interpretations of what they've requested (cos their wording either makes no sense in any language or it's ambiguous) asking which they meant, or if i've completely misunderstood. The answer I get back is often 'Yes'.

[@DeSpaceFairy]

Ah yes, mind reading and psychometry my favourite exercise to understand cryptic messages. Jokes aside, in this situation with half of the information missing I also would've been confused. It annoys me when people are saying to me something of like "you/we should" or "you/we could" and my favourite "would you like" to have something or go somewhere, while what they really meant is right now or as soon possible and somewhat again asking for a confirmation in some precise timing for the action. Before I would've answered "yeah/sure/ok" then going on my merry way to whatever I was doing, but now it has happened enough often for me to immediately ask when or where.

[@danieldaniels7571]

I find it funny when people start a request with “would you like…” not realizing that they’re posing a question that I’m very likely to answer with a simple “no.”

[@kylanvelpa3790]

Ugh I get this all the time. "Hey we should hang out and play this video game together" "Sure, I'd love to!" "Cool, I just have to finish what I'm doing" "Wait what" "Ah yeah sorry I'm doing my laundry right now" "No- I mean I thought you meant like, some time in the future, not literally right now" "Oh. So you don't wanna hang out?" "No I do! Just, not right now!" "Why not right now? Come on, join, it'll be fun!" And then I have to think of how to explain that I COULD play with them but I simply don't want to because of the intense resistance I feel against changing the mental plan I had for my evening. Especially if I'm in the middle of another activity and would have to abandon it or leave it half-finished.

[@SamusUy]

So the other person made two mistakes on his request (not dirty and not "everywhere") but we're supposed to interpret that anyway and comply? Just because most people understand each other anyway doesn't mean it's our fault and if it isn't then they have no right to complain. It's really tragic that because they're a majority we're supposed to bend over and accommodate for their faults but that's life I guess, thanks for the info.

[@danieldaniels7571]

Exactly. To the second text I’d have responded “I didn’t leave any dishes outside. It’s cute how you don’t know what “everywhere” means.

[@RanDom-bk8tt]

This!!

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

That rewuest/complaint would have been unintelligible to anyone, however NT. Not understanding it was nothing to do with autism and all to do with what was said. The person was being unreasonable and disrespectful.

[@marocat4749]

i get the case is about relationship, because if its about the dishes, who the hell would call drying or wet dishes dirty?

[@watcherwriter]

This is always so maddening. Someone asks me to do something. I do exactly what they've asked me to do. They're mad because I didn't do what they wanted me to do (which was apparently something entirely different from what they actually asked me to do). Am I meant to intuit their wishes like some sort of magical fairy? Just say the thing you actually want done!

[@Acceleronics]

My wife and I have been together since the late 1970s. For most of our time together, I was undiagnosed. I learned about 3 years ago that "have" both ASD and ADHD. Thanks in large measure to your videos, Paul, I am beginning to understand why our conversations go sour. But they still do. I don't think I can change, but now I preface anything I think might go sour with the reminder that I'm on the spectrum and I'm doing my best to be "normal". Regarding social situations, I just avoid them. Always have!

[@tsblanca]

Why can't you change? Honest legit question, not a trap. I have determined this same thing about my husband, and am learning to accept it. But it is also difficult for me to change.

[@Acceleronics]

@@tsblancaI can't change because that (to me) means more or less literally rewiring my brain to be more like an NT brain. The best I can do is recognize when my ASD is going to lead to a communication breakdown and then tell that to my wife. My emotional reactions are the same as a knee jerk response to the rubber hammer tap. I can't control them or stop them.

[@frankdenbiesen7694]

​@@Acceleronicslike you can't saw the eiffel tower in half. (that's how impossible it feels to me)

[@xxBreakxxAwayxx3]

Clarification seems like a reasonable and necessary step. I agree that over-communicating can be harmful, particularly when the other person is NOT a good/clear communicator and does not wish to discuss it with you. Unfortunately for them, it is still the best way to find a solution that fits the situation. Perhaps something like, "Sorry this has caused you trouble. Last time this happened, I tried to make sure to do x. Can you clarify what went wrong/what you'd like to see?" That said, being a great comunicator does not guarantee a reciprocal response. NT can be poor at catching signals too. I think the skills you demonstrate really well that are crucial are remaining calm and curious/open to understanding feedback. Not seeing it as a personal criticism or requirement. Whether or not you decide to change your behavior, it helps you determine where the tension point is.

[@kevinbissinger]

10:07 if you're communicating with someone and they make it clear they don't consider your feelings relevant to the discussion or don't take them to heart that is not a person you're COMMUNICATING with. That's someone trying to tell you what to do, and no amount of emotional intelligence will get you to a compromise because they don't want a compromise. They don't care about you. They made that clear. This is the kind of advice that leads autistic people to being the perfect victims of narcissistic people. "What are their needs and how do I meet them" as opposed to "How do I make sure both of our needs are being met in this situation" and anyone who engages with you without considering both of your needs is not going to change no matter how effective of a communicator you are. You'll just keep getting smaller and smaller until you want to die because you don't exist anymore.

[@bk3720]

Paul, it seems you may have dealt with someone with a non-autistic communication disorder, (edit, we need a label for this disorder, so it’s recognized, then those who have it can start getting help) as the text was false on two counts. Or maybe it’s an intelligence issue not knowing the difference between clean and dirty or not knowing the difference between dishes in one place and dishes everywhere around the house. Or maybe it’s just old fashioned gaslighting of the non lamp kind. The other issue is why is there a drying rack if it is not to be used to allow dishes to dry? Decoration only? Hmmm. Paul is to be commended for taking the high road here and prioritizing keeping harmony over showing the other person their lack of language skills.

[@johynsmith]

This has less to do with autism and more to do with a really rude controlling person who is being petty. If washing the dishes and putting them in the drying rack is not good enough then the next text to them probably needs to be 'goodbye - find someone else to abuse and control'... You were doing nothing wrong.

[@borzkn]

Seconding. I bet that neurotypicals used to environments that make sense would be also confused, and I think rightfully so - the message does not look like it was made to inform.

[@phant0m92]

I don't think even a neurotypical would understand this. Clean dishes in drying wrack = dirty dishes?

[@christinekinn6178]

I might say "show me"

[@DCamp1271]

Good idea!

[@melaniegrace7707]

you would think that when someone says you are leaving your dirty dishes every where they wouldn't mean leaving your CLEAN dishes in ONE PLACE

[@ivanaamidzic]

When I care a lot I wanna know what I am missing to get because I want the other person to feel well and safe. This causes me to overexplain by writing too long and asking lots of follow-up questions in general. People usually respond well to this as I am genuinely trying to find mutually acceptable solution and understanding. Last person who I had a fall out with didn't respond well to this at all & didn't bother to understand before judging & dismissing me. He also has autism & probably bunch of other stuff (potentially quiet/silent BPD), including lots of heavy duty trauma he is running away from. I tried giving him friendship & safety by trying to get to know him and his heart, but he is so wounded by life into his soul somehow that he thought I was trying to hurt him or take something away from him. 😢

[@uNiels_Heart]

That is sad 😣 But at least you're trying and that is commendable.

[@vieczurable]

According to my experience among people of different backgrounds it is better to be straightforward instead of diplomatic to avoid obscuring and thinning the message but preserving appropriate body language, voice tone to avoid confusion, misunderstanding and brain overload on the receiving side. People lie, deny, don't understand themselves, communicate emotionally and don't like intellectual burden. Please, apply reasonability in above areas although it is difficult to go against own nature, logic and even honesty. The objective is desired effect and lasting result.

[@johnfsenpai]

If you received the same feedback a second time about leaving dirty dishes everywhere, I would assume someone else was leaving dirty dishes everywhere and you were blamed by mistake. Maybe there was even a bad member who thought "now that there is a new member I can leave my dirty dishes and blame it on him"

[@Acceleronics]

I need to make a separate comment for this. The communication example that makes me crazy is NTs asking a "negative question", e.g. "Don't you want some ice cream?". My whole life (I'm 70!), I have given the literal answer, which in the example is "yes" (Yes, I do not want ice cream.) But NTs typcially respond with "Oh, so you do want ice cream!" In my experience, they have no clue that they have asked the opposite question to what they intended. I have learned to avoid responding with the "yes" or "no" that accurately captures my intent. Now I will say, "I do not want ice cream. Maybe later."

[@brittanydaniels1102]

Nowadays I would deal with misunderstandings by asking the other person and/or people to explain what I don't understand and to ask them to clarify what I don't understand. If they don't do that then I would explain to them that I have diagnosed disabilities like autism and a language processing disorder for example that sometimes makes it difficult for me to understand what other people say especially if it has to do with abstract language.

[@lilijagaming]

Omg, the example you have given triggered me so much :D Why people cannot be more specific! I have recently taken part in this interested training on how to have a good talk with people on polarizing topics (politics, religion and all the fun belief stuff). What I have observed about how it felt to me was that when the conversation is structured and there are clear rules that everyone knows and tries to follow, I have no issues and it is a very pleasant experience. However, this is not how it is in the real world. Sure, I will try to follow the rules that I have learnt since I think those are good rules. But that doesn't make other people follow them and I still have to deal with their assumptions and my own emotions that will arise when people assume untrue things about me. I don't have any solid solutions. I am still experiments. Mostly, I am trying to be more mindfull when those things are happening. Focus on emotions that are flying around. One strategy that I am testing is asking my boyfriend to explain to me like to a small child what he wants me to do if I seem to be misunderstanding what he asks of me. I also try to ask specific questions about what kind of tast I am supposed to do. Ofc we are on the same page of suspecting that I am on the spectrum (I am 100% sure I am neurodivergent... just don't know what kind)

[@uNiels_Heart]

BTW, it's a thing with a name ("Explain it like I'm 5") and an initialism (ELI5). I wish it would occur to me in misunderstanding situations to ask for ELI5 😅

[@Worrelpa]

Happens to me all the time. What makes no sense to me is why people believe their explanations are clear. Making sure we have the details is so important too many autists. Me included. As the saying goes the devil is in the detail. We should not have to guess the meaning of the other persons words. Great topic.

[@sfllaw]

As a general strategy for avoiding miscommunication, I try to reflect what other people are saying by rephrasing and paraphrasing what they've said. I believe this is called “active listening”. Interestingly, most people have to be taught this skill as even average people don't discover this technique by themselves.

[@kairon156]

I vaguely recall hearing "social studies" as a class years ago thinking this is the type of thing that class was going to study.

[@ronaldflint681]

Much of what you're saying here is true and helpful. However, there *IS* a line. You don't have to always bend over backwards to facilitate communication when the other person just won't and is dense as a brick. Emotional intelligence is just as much their responsibility as it is yours.

[@jbiddle9235]

I feel so understood in this video and chat. ❤ I'm showing this video to my partner so maybe he can see my POV when this happens.

[@michaelfreydberg4619]

Yeah. I would have been annoyed. (If I thought I was doing it right)

[@KerryNeeds]

It’s funny I had a similar experience at university, resulting in a passive aggressive ‘DRY UP!’ on the fridge with magnetic letters. Thing is, you’re often perceived as being rude in this instance when really you didn’t understand 😭

[@llareia]

I once had a boss who got hired after me. She was actively trying to get rid of me so her friend (who had also interviewed for my job) could have my job. She wound up chasing me out for a ridiculous, manufactured "problem". But during the big "talk" where she bullied me into quitting, one of the things she was accusing me of was not properly prioritizing my work. I asked for clarification on what the correct order of priority was, as I was prioritizing based on deadlines. Her response was an extremely angry, "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO INTIMIDATE ME!" There were other examples in that conversation where it felt so bizarre, like we were having two completely different conversations. That interaction had me really shaken for many years afterwards.

[@uNiels_Heart]

Whoever employed that boss should probably have their recruiting skills reviewed, or something. Hope you found a more comfortable job afterwards.

[@llareia]

I don't really blame the person who hired her. Sometimes it's really hard to get an accurate picture of who a person is during an interview process. But I had to step up my job applications and immediately found a better paying full-time position (which I had been looking for), so it was definitely a blessing in disguise. But man, that "I have no idea why you're responding like that" feeling... 😨

[@hannaharaujo9617]

I have several stories of misunderstandings! It happens a lot at work and I’m always explaining myself and asking these “dummy” questions to make sure I understood. It is funny because when someone is struggling to tell me a rather complicated idea they have, I usually get it pretty quickly and help them to structure their thoughts. But the simpler the message, the harder it is for me to understand. I feel like either I get this mind blank or I think of several interpretations at once (sometimes none of them is accurate). I notice my boss gets a bit angry sometimes… Anyway, after the diagnosis I accept that and don’t feel stupid anymore! 😅 Cheers from Brazil!

[@Tilly850]

These things can be difficult indeed. I'm trying to learn how to set boundaries without causing over-reactions to my needs. I said to a friend, "I can't do long phone calls to chat at random times and need to plan our calls a little." Apparently that meant to my friend, "I do not want to chat with you." Her reaction was, "Then I guess we can't be friends!" So I chose to attempt to help her understand. I had to sooth her and explain more fully that calls out of the blue interrupt me, and I need to minimize interruptions to my work or I can't pay full attention to what you are saying because I am really distracted. I had to explain how I will become resentful if I am expected to stop what I am doing any old time and do small talk for an hour whenever you want to. I told her I can navigate this if I get a heads up so we can plan a call time or even just text and ask when would be ok. Sometimes I can say let me finish my lunch and then is ok. I now give her a time, or like in 15 minutes will be fine. That worked out ok, but now I have to set a timer or the calls go on way too long. Phone calls are hard. My mind drifts away at the third telling of a story or hearing about people I do not and will never know. It's hard. She's NT. At least she is trying, knowing I am autistic, to understand my needs. It's a balance.

[@uNiels_Heart]

Proud of you that you can endure a story two or three times. I only manage to bear one telling per story 🙈

[@Tilly850]

@@uNiels_Heart Thanks. Not always easy.

[@Tulsaistalking]

Yeah, fairly certain I'm mostly on the 'other' spectrum.. but also run into this all the time, I use all three approaches you mentioned. However another to consider is "I'd live to do that for you. Please please show me where the dirty dishes are im rather dullwitted" It's the equivalent of pointing at the Doll and saying show me where the bad person hurt you. If the other person struggles with insight having them act it out can actually help

[@IanDoesMagic]

Tone is a huge piece of NT communication and it's a tricky tool to work with. Learning how to adopt a friendly tone that isn't condescending or in the uncanny valley is hugely helpful in avoiding these kinds of miscommunications. I think a lot of the time tone is actually more important than words when dealing with NTs. I'm 41 and just sort of figuring this out and learning how to use it to my benefit. I think a lot of their communication is primarily emotional and if your internal feeling is frustration but you're trying to deal with them in a neutral way, it sounds to their ear like you're being disingenuous or passive aggressive. They hear and respond to the frustration. On the one hand it's unfair and illogical. On the other hand they didn't choose it any more than I did, it's just the situation we all have to deal with.

[@LindsayJaneReid]

Yes, I discovered smiling often helps when asking for clarification, so I guess that goes along with what you are saying.

[@uNiels_Heart]

@@LindsayJaneReid I find it impossible to smile when I'm frustrated. What should I do in that situation?

[@thiccletics]

It sounds like the other person has the communication deficit 😂

[@tallgirlhappyme]

*The issue I take with all of this miscommunication is that grace seems to only flow one way. We try to clarify in a respectful manner, and end up on the defensive and ultimately the bad guy. So over it!* How do we know WE are the "non-normal" ones?! Think about it... in many ways, WE'RE MORE EVOLVED!

[@bethanysmith4388]

This is very true. Whenever I try to clarify something, people always act like I'm arguing or being hostile. That has been so confusing for me.

[@KerryNeeds]

Yup, I’m a freelancer and I have had clients get annoyed at me for asking too many questions. But so many work processes people seem to automatically know, and I have no idea

[@TransistorSounds]

Completely correct that we tend to assume others mean what they say, when they're being purposefully vague "to be polite", or they're automatically translating it into something similar and assume we can translate it back into what they mean using context... and that when we try to clarify by being more direct and giving more information, they interpret that as us getting hostile when we're just trying to understand what they want from us. Fundamentally, I don't think people yet realise there's a disability so specific that we need people to speak directly and accurately to us, which I gather they interpret as rude. It's like needing someone to swear at you, it just sounds to them like you're making it up in order to trick them into being rude for some weird reason. I hear there is a sort of magic phrase you can use, a prefix that assures them that you really are trying to learn and not get out of it. I think it might be something like "Just to clarify..." or "Can do! Just to make sure I'm getting this right..." That kinda thing. But I've probably misremembered it... And your tone of voice and facial expression are probably factors too, so it's a lot to try to co-ordinate at once. Spotting when you're getting frustrated is good advice, unless you've got affective alexithymia, and literally can't do that... 😅 Yeah, everyone here's essentially right, it would be nice if nondisabled people met us at least halfway!

[@uNiels_Heart]

"it just sounds to them like you're making it up in order to trick them into being rude for some weird reason." that's an interesting insight, I hadn't looked at it from that perspective. Now I just wish I could have that insight in those situations, which is not likely to happen, unfortunately 😅

[@evemacdonald8654]

This made me laugh when I saw this last night because I was just having a similar issue! lol. I was just having a conversation with GPT3 trying to figure out what I do that often gives others the wrong impression about what I am saying. By talking with GPT3, I found out that I often give the impression that I am looking for validation (or approval) rather than what I am actually intending, which is understanding. Not empathy, but literally, like when I'm talking with someone I want to know if what I am saying "makes sense". So when you posted this video about miscommunication I was feeling like, "Yup" that happens to me too!! lol. Your emotional intelligence course has been very helpful for me. So anyone that is interested in taking it I highly recommend it.

[@chairmanrexton956]

The problem was that the other person was being factually incorrect. If they’d been accurate about what “dirty dishes” actually meant in the first place, rhetorical issue could’ve been resolved right away. I’m betting you had problems with that person thereafter.

[@NniemandweiterR]

The dirty dishes story is a perfect description for my entire life. Is that a classic way of male autistic thinking? I'm currently waiting for a free spot for adult ASD Diagnosis in the local autism clninic, and the more clarity I can gain beforehand. the better.

[@nkupianist]

Your channel is the most relatable autism focused channel I've found. This is yet another spot on interaction I've had countless times with my neurotypical wife, haha. Every attempt to clarify my position just makes me sound more legalistic and evasive. Thank you for this!

[@he_him_ze]

WHERE WAS THIS GUY ALL OF MY GOD-DAMN AUTISTIC LIFE?!?!?

[@Davhy]

❤

[@MaladyKayjo]

My general solution is to have people know me very well and know that when I say certain things, I am not being sarcastic or hostile, and then use those specific things when I need more information. Specifically what I say is “elaborate” no actual sentence. just “elaborate” it won’t work with strangers, but I rarely have to talk to strangers anyway

[@Astro-Markus]

Yep. When I try to understand an obvious misunderstanding, I often see that the other communication partner becomes upset. As if I'm fooling around. They frequently don't get that the message isn't as obvious as they think.

[@Elodie_N_INTJ_Analyzes]

*Asking for clarification* is the best thing to do. _Why it bother the person, that there are dishes ? it is not important, these details are meaningless. They can put away the dishes themselves. I would do it of it was me. And say : "If you're looking for your dishes, I've put them in the cupboard" (helping each others, facilitate the life of each others, instead to complain at other and create useless conversation & conflict) It take less time & energy to put away dishes, than to complain at other & create conflict. You did great, you are the best. The other person just created problems, whereas there were initially no problems. The other persons have to work on themselves, learn to be more patient, more aware, more compassionate. What we say and do is the reflection of ourselves. Simply the other person had issues with themselves and have to work on themselves. They have to learn to say what they mean, and mean what they say.

[@mellarius188]

Managing other peoples emotions is the key. Would love to learn more about this. Will look out for your webinar.

[@KellyCDB]

I keep hearing that it’s not my responsibility to manage other people’s emotions. But if I take that seriously and don’t try super hard to do so, most of my interactions go quite poorly. I feel stuck because I don’t know what I am actually supposed to *do,* how am I actually supposed to behave, am I actually allowed to have and express my own needs and emotions or is that just for other people…?

[@JennyinGero]

Thanks for that. It clarifies a lot for me - best to be specific rather than “polite”. I must admit it seems rude to say “please put your dishes in the drying rack away” because it seems more pointed rather than “please don’t leave your dishes everywhere” which seems like you’re giving the responsibility to the other person. Your videos help non autistic people understand. Thank you!

[@jackd.rifter3299]

I was actually just recently in the last 20 minutes or so asked a rhetorical question and answered it and proceeded with advice and was confused because I thought it was a literal question. I try to be aware of rhetorical questions, but it's difficult sometimes and even more in text because some people while texting don't use punctuation at all to signify whether they're asking a question or not and somehow I'm supposed to interpret their intentions in the words they write. It's frustrating and we both left the discussion frustrated.

[@willekec4437]

I usually say something like "I would like to do as you ask, however, I don't understand. Could you please explain exactly what you mean, so I can work on that?" Usually that gets a positive responds and it helps me to understand what they really mean.

[@aus.amanda]

The dishes were clean and in one area.

[@catherinecummins2847]

One such miscommunication blew up with my daughter this past summer, she insists I know what I did wrong and I have no clue and we have now reached a detente. Your mini EQ lesson was really helpful, as are all your videos.

[@NickCombs]

My approach these days is: 1. Apologize, just to acknowledge the misunderstanding and difficulty of the situation. I want to relieve as much tension as possible before trying to resolve things. 2. Explain my need for more specific instructions, especially in new or uncertain situations. Can they break the request down into smaller steps? It’s been working pretty well so far.

[@kensears5099]

"What you just said can mean six different things. And besides not understanding which one you mean, I also cannot understand why you don't know that." Such are the things, of course, that we never say, but we long to. My intermediate route towards that, though, attempting to be more polite and non-confrontational, is to suggest two or three of the statement's possible meanings and ask which one the person means. I find that suggesting the possible meanings, indicating the actual processes of MY brain, as well as my sincere desire to understand, is more peace-keeping than a blunt "What do you MEAN by that?" Rather than demand an explanation FROM the other person, my attempt to "explain" my understanding(s) might appeal to the other person's altruism-instinct to help me comprehend. Hey, even if the role-playing we have to do is that I'm "slow" and in need of having it spelled out...fine, I really don't care. Whether I'm "slow" or not will not ultimately be the verdict of a single interaction but the broader impression coming from sustained contact (and if my contact with this person isn't sustained, whether at a workplace, or home, or other setting, then, really, do I care?). And, yes, maybe LATER the other person will stop to reflect how they thought they were being clear but actually conveyed a deeply unclear message.

[@npiresrc]

When I ask for clarification (I don't understand; what do you mean....?) The response I get, which can easily be taken as an insult is, "What's not to understand? Any reasonable person would understand what I said. To which I just clan up for fear of losing my temper.

[@MoonDreamofA]

This felt easy to clear up. Maybe because I'm Canadian and would say, "Sorry, what do you mean? I thought I'd done that." For those who don't know, Canadians use "sorry" in a very different way and in a plethora of different ways. In this context it would mean: gently saying "excuse me?" Or "pardon?". It shows you are not coming from an aggressive or confrontational place. You're signaling gently that you don't understand, before you've even said that you don't understand. I don't recall ever having someone react badly when starting a clarification conversation with "sorry, what do you mean?" I can only say that if the person does still seem angry, then it's on their end, not yours and not because you didn't ask for clarification the "correct" way.

[@MaleINTP]

Are we sure that we're the ones with problems of communication... I'm very specific with the words i use precisely so that i don't have to repeat myself and that I'm understood... It's people that have a problem understanding what they themselves want... If more people were objective people would argue less and everyone would have an easier time

[@moartems5076]

-talks about EQ -completely misses the gaslighting Hes one of us, alright.

[@Catlily5]

It could be gaslighting or it could be that the person has very poor communication skills. Not all neurotypical people are good at communicating.

[@rubytheinsomniac3397]

Another response that works well is simply being honest and stating "I am confused," along with "can you elaborate?" or "what do you mean by [part you are confused by]?"

[@jenniLB]

Yes, the housemate appears to be "at fault" for calling clean dishes is the rack "dirty dishes everywhere". But identifying who's at fault doesn't help us. There is miscommunication/misunderstanding regardless. If we care at all about the relationship, then taking the steps Paul describes to figure out what the other person is trying to tell us is worth it. Because the alternative is to anger each other and still not solve the problem. People mis-speak all the time. We need a way to uncover their intent.

[@graceface420]

Hahaha once I had a roommate also tell me to dry and put away my clean dishes. I responded by laughing and saying, no I don't need to do it like that. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Boundaries 🥰

[@danieldaniels7571]

They should be thankful you washed them. I usually just leave my stuff dirty in the sink because I don’t care.

[@Catlily5]

​@@danieldaniels7571 My boyfriend used to live with a guy who wouldn't wash his dishes despite many polite requests. Finally the housemates got a trash bag, put his dirty dishes in them and left them by his door!

[@stuartchapman5171]

Ive always over explained, especially approaching burn out or if I'm afeaid of confrontation. Clear precise language is key. If there's an issue like the one you suggest, unpick what you do have, and apply Ocams razor (simplest solution is usually the correct one). You've cleaned your dishes, Ocams razor would suggest that thats not in question, as we're assuming they're not insane, or a pathological liar. This is most likely the emotional overdramatic reiterating of an earlier ongoing situation. The everywhere is a clue, in some domestically fastidious eyes, the dishes need putting away. Especially as you've responded to the dirty element. Admittedly not all minor social spats are as easy to unpick as this one, too much nuance and blurring of the rules, which we can grasp but never master. Keep up the great vids. Keep up the great work

[@danieldaniels7571]

I would assume in this situation that they are both insane and a pathological liar. Or perhaps just really stupid.

[@Rebecca-oz9fu]

I love your very clear and honest example. Yes, I have had a life full of very similar situations, and have always been accused as being the one “in the wrong“. I’ve always accepted that what I am doing is wrong. And if I try to clarify of people their unclear instructions, then, again, I am accused of being in the wrong. I’ve always felt that I just could never win because of losing.

[@DCamp1271]

Tbh.Sometimes they are gaslighting. Sometimes they see a difference and they don’t know how what it is but if they can opportunistically exploit it, they will. Sometimes they are trying to tell you they are uncomfortable with you and they don’t have any tangible reason so they pick whatever seems convenient. And sometimes they are also on the spectrum and have icks and tics that they don’t yet understand. This has happened to me throughout my childhood and adult life. It’s so very frustrating but now I sort of expect it.

[@mdavis201]

I increasingly find people incapable of communicating effectively, both orally and in writing. The example you gave at the beginning of your video is a case in point. I blame it (in the U.S. at least) on the failure of public schools to properly teach basic English grammar. I foresee a day when I won't be able to understand a single thing someone under the age of forty says to me.

[@limmeh7881]

On an instinctual level, I am not the most confrontational person. I also tend to give up if people still don’t understand things after I clearly explain. I’d like to be better in this regard; I guess I have a ‘bullshit meter’ - if I am subject to too much, I’ll detonate in spite of being calm initially. You can only control yourself, yes, so sometimes it’s best to walk away. But it’s a problem if this becomes a default, which is unfortunately what I tend to do.

[@ninaleach6350]

This is another example of the Double Empathy problem between NDs and NTs. All my life I have struggled and failed. I was diagnosed at 67 and now at 72, although I understand, other people just don't. An old friend isn't speaking to me and I'm mortified because of me trying to explain something. I have apologised but still heard nothing. I am so sad.

[@IronSquid501]

As much as we want to avoid confrontation, I think it can also be important to stand up for yourself if you feel the other person is being unreasonable. It's not always a miscommunication! (But more often than not, it is 😅)

[@ruthbarrett8907]

I don’t understand why they didn’t just say, “ after you wash your dishes, please put them away”…golly gee

[@eresseer6158]

After the day I've had, with four stressful situations caused by NTs shortcomings and oversights, and then me trying to be clear and then them getting defensive, I find myself wishing that we had our own planet. It's all so exhausting for us and NTs just seem to brush it off.

[@katharinegates2917]

The way the roommate communicated makes me think of the tourists who haven't bothered to learn the language of the country they are visiting, so they just keep yelling the same words in English, louder.

[@Bibbzter666]

I scanned some of the comments and I guess the most obvious "crazyness" of the "miscommunication" part has been addressed. I find these kinds of "miscommunication" everywhere in daily life and this is a huge reason why I have a hard time finding a job that doesn't drive me insane, since the "norm" seems to be "dis-abled" in so many ways. Their reasoning skills, logic, analytical thinking, cognitive empathy and the accuracy of words in the "normal" majority of humanity is severely lacking and I'm not sure it is my responsibility to "care" and solve all the chaos and damage they cause just because I probably could (Oh the arrogance 🤣), if I had the time, energy and got some respect and appreciation for it. But instead they project and call me the "disordered" one... "How dare you!" 🤡

[@ladytakarazuka]

Thank you. I've been observing and analyzing social interactions for many years around me and sometimes I find strange that we are the ones labeled with "having issues" while many of those miscommunication situations are not initiated by us.

[@ebyort8839]

Excellent, Paul! Indeed such situations keep happening everyday. No silver bullet. Perhaps a few things that help dampen a bit the magnitude of misunderstandings: - Misunderstandings do not need to cause frustration, but to ask for clarification. Unlike us, most people not only say something very different from what they mean, but furthermore are still able to guess from inaccurate words the accurate intent. This skill of correctly guessing is a mysterious 6th sense sometimes called "common sense" by those who have it. Misunderstandings can also be funny: when my wife asked me to move the flower pots, that's what I did: the heavy pots containing were relocated swiftly. Only the flowers were delicately left at their initial location. After some explanation, we had a good laugh. - There are ways to reduce misunderstandings in guiding other people to use more accurate language. This method is not viewed as particularly tactful or socially appropriate, but it has proven to be helpful over the years and avoided major misunderstandings: for instance instead of asking "when", we can ask "what date and time" to avoid a useless response such as "later". Instead of "how much": "how many dollars and cents" to avoid "it's cheap" or "it's expensive", refrain from using pronouns, instead ask "what does "he" or "she" stand for" etc. In your example, one may have asked "could you please point at the dirty dish you said I left as I was unable to see it".

[@lovepeace2373]

A missunderstanding because a person was not able to say what they actually mean. It is normal to say “and dont leave the dishes out on the rack, dry them up and put them away immideately.“(quite rigid) So if they get upset even after you cleaned the dishes, they should have claryfied nicely. The possible answers of them to your (potential) questions sounded quite toxic. Immideately negativ reactions, why ? And the dishes were clean, so no wonder you dont know why they keep talking of dirty dishes. Your videos are really great, and i appreciate your way of being very much.

[@toi4154]

When someone isn't understood and have no idea what was unclear, I wish next time they would say it differently instead of just repeating the exact same words. For example, change "don't leave dirty dishes everywhere" into "don't leave dirty dishes drying on..." or "dry the dirty dishes with towel and then put them in..." so that even though the most confusing part is still there, at least there are better chances to lead the other person into understanding.

[@connied8507]

Thank you for showing how to not escalate a communication and not grovel to appease. Both would produce a negative reaction towards you. Well done 👍

[@tinkasing]

I look around my workplace and watch people continually assume they're understanding one another's cryptic and poorly thought out communications, and they definitely are not. Many people have learned to communicate with emotional manipulation and avoidance of specificity. This leads to a lot of group interaction failure for them as well. They need what we have. When I'm able to wisely and calmly apply my ability to formulate strategic, action- oriented, clarifying questions, I become very valuable in ensuring a group is actually understanding one another and that we all actually know what the next steps are (and if they've actually even been decided). The way we think is not a disorder. It's needed by others.

[@TheseAreMyHooves]

Wow, so i only just recently realised that I'm on the autism spectrum, but when I hear you talking about these things, i can't help feeling how everyone would benefit from the point of view that you and i, and countless others, have regarding communication.... in my experience, people are just generally really bad at communication.... when you describe all the tangents that go through your head as to the potentialities for miscommunication, how difficult it is to decide on a "most beneficial" response, taking into consideration all the ways in which people are prone to miscommunicate, fill in the gaps with their own insecurities, and so easily diverge from the actual matter at hand.... i really relate to these thought processes anyway. I wish this was a general consesus among people when it comes to communication... maybe we need to teach it in schools (not for us autistics apparently... ok, ill got off my high horse, but yeah.... its so frustrating and insulting and counterintuitive when people say autistic people are bad at communication.... NO, for fffff....... we just see through everyones bullshit!)

[@user-eg8ht4im6x]

Thank you for this, it’s really helpful. I frequently find that there are ‘misunderstanding’, how was you to know that your cleanly washed and neatly stacked dishes, stacked in the place they are supposed to be stacked, where in fact ‘dirty dishes, strewn all over the place’ in that particularly persons mind. I’m sure this wasn’t just a problem of not understanding because of autism. I would think anyone who had washed and stacked their dishes into the place they where supposed to go would be utterly confused if told they had left their ‘dirty dishes everywhere’. However I do agree that we are more than others prone to misunderstanding what others mean, so your advice about dealing with such a difficult person is very helpful.

[@andrem4542]

Thank you, Paul ❤️

[@lindaconnor9473]

Currently hyper aware of constant misunderstanding miscommunication V late process of learning about my neurodivergencies, asd and adhd, dyslexia and itlens syndrome. At a point...again of feeling like I should probably never talk to anyone ever again. 57yrs of masking. I appreciate your videos very much I have no strategies to share yet.

[@stephaniebarrows5428]

I admire your compassion and maturity in what could’ve become a difficult situation. After misunderstandings in which I blamed myself, I then become impatient with others’ use of imprecise language. I’ve started to see that incidences of miscommunication often arise from the clash of diverse viewpoints. This doesn’t mean that I don’t claim responsibility for side of a conflict; it means that I do my best to understand both sides and then attempt to find a middle ground. As you said, it hasn’t ashtrays worked to explain how I saw things, b/c not everyone is willing to return the favor (or do the inner work) that requires. All that said, I have been known to lost my temper when I felt sleep-deprived or stressed, especially when I wasn’t managing my hypoglycemia very well.

[@doodleplayer4014]

The way I would respond to the dishes situation is to ask them to clarify and explain why I'm confused. E.g. "Could you clarify what you mean by that? I wash my dishes and put them on the drying rack as soon as I'm done with them."

[@Baba69able]

While I also think the other person has been communicating insufficient I think there is no use in arguing about that in first place. Their way of communication could be topic for another discussion - which isn't already emotionally loaded. In this situation I'd probably control my own frustration, say there might be a misunderstanding and then ask how they "normally" handle the dishes-stuff to move away from a personal level (incl emotions on both sides)