Stop Trying to be ‘Normal’ - Are you masking? What’s the best strategy?

[@heedmydemands]

I finally realized that everybody thinks I'm weird no matter what I do so I may as well be myself and give them the chance to like me

[@Justboatfishing]

Weird is good. Normal is boring. None of the great artists of our time were normal. Be you ❤

[@janetlieb2507]

@@Justboatfishing thanx! My Mother Always called me Weird And Wouls say No one Could like me. 🌛

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

Yes, I as well man! And I tend to avoid the general public, unless it is a forum like this where I know that there will be autistic people. I woke up feeling like crap today, and I work a freelance job as an Instacart Shopper. I am trying to push myself out the door, but with the dark winter months, seasonal depression gets a hold of me (mot much sunlight, mostly dim outside with gray skies).

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

@@janetlieb2507 I don't think that a parent should ever say that to their child. Then a child grows up believing that noone could like them. How is that going to help the child? I am sorry that happened to you.

[@janetlieb2507]

@@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy thanx! Yeah she was abusive. 💔

[@Xanderj89]

I don’t like acting normal but it just happens around other people. No matter how much I tell myself I’m going to just be myself, the mask snaps on, I can even pinpoint afterwards when it happens, and suddenly I am driven entirely by the awareness of the expectations of the people I am with and am hyper vigilant to try and meet those expectations. And when it’s happening I can’t think of another way to exist, it’s just what I need to do to survive, minimize my presence and avoid demands by being exactly who they expect you to be, and it’s reinforced with rejection every time I get too tired to maintain it and my real thoughts slip out, or my real body language or reaction or whatever the case may be, I’m met with “go away, come back when you can be normal”. Then when I am by myself my thoughts clear, I wonder why I can’t think so clearly, why my thoughts get jumbled and I lose myself to an act I am desperate to avoid, why I can express myself so well up until the moment I am being perceived.

[@Summer-sc1ph]

I know this feeling

[@ari3lz3pp]

Right. That's the point I think...I have tried to worry less about what I appear as to others and of their reactions (especially if rude). I put a ton of energy into masking, especially for my child's sake who is more severe ASD w/no friends. But then I think I look even more "off" to other parents because they can tell I'm not being genuine. Lol It's ironic but the times I've cared the least (unfortunately usually because I don't feel well and so dgaf)...that's when I get more people initiating conversation. 🤣 Sometimes I honestly do not want any of that. But they can pick up on it if that's the case and then it's over. But trying to fit in hasn't got me anywhere. So why spend the energy?? God bless 🕊️

[@Xanderj89]

@@ari3lz3pp the difference is you present it like a conscious choice. Why spend the energy? Because I can’t not. I’m not deciding to do it based on any rationale, I don’t want to do it, it happens anyway. No matter how much I try to prepare, to try to stay myself, the moment I am in anyone’s presence it just happens regardless of my will. People are demand machines and I feel directives as a tangible force, and I am forced to balance my boat as their waves toss me around.

[@RodrigoAlgorta]

Otherwise people start asking why this and why that, what's the problem? and other stuff and it gets annoying real quick. I also prefer masking even if its something automatic. Sometimes though you need those moments when you are your self with people you trust will understand how not to annoy you or make you feel "weird"

[@catharsis8692]

that was like reading my own thought. i relate to your experience there, it's very painful. It's like a passive ability you can't turn off :(

[@clicheguevara5282]

I stopped masking at about 30 - but I didn’t even know it was “masking” because I didn’t get diagnosed until 38. I just got tired of faking it.

[@anniebeanie710]

Reminds me how doctor visits would go when i was younger vs now ... Younger me would be thinking like Oh god what he/she will want from me? What he/she will be asking me? Will he/she like my anwers? Current me: lets make a bullet points what i want from the doctor and what i want to ask about and think how to ask about that the best. Helps me to get done what i want to have done and i dont care if some doctor considers it odd :) . They are providing a service to ME. For complicated issue i would bring a paper with summary of relevant facts as i see them. Helps a lot.

[@er6730]

That's so helpful, thank you! I always forget what I was going to say, and even if I remember, in the moment it feels ridiculous to bring it up, or like I'm interrupting.

[@ines-simpson]

I've been called all sorts of names, I've been told I'm strange, weird, too direct, goofy, loner, dumb and the list goes on.. I've become so use to people calling me that now.. I don't even bother to change the way I am anymore. I like things to be organized, I rather be up front & honest than two-faced, I'm slow and struggle with learning new things but I'm hardworking and I don't give up. Most people like to follow the crowd, I beat to my own drum alone. Autistic & Proud!

[@RainbowPyramid]

masking is not being two faced or dishonest. It is jjust a different way of being. We all need to find ways of being that work for us (and sometimes they differ from situation to situation and can even differ from day to day)

[@anneknol8583]

I always told people: I am trying my whole life to be normal. But I didn’t succeed. Now that I have my autism diagnosis since 6 month, as a 47 year old woman, my comment on wanting to be normal and your video here, makes so much more sense. Thank you for this. Happy with my diagnosis autism because it explains a whole lot of things in my past and current behavior.

[@autismfromtheInside]

You're welcome, Anne. Glad you liked the video!

[@adrianamaclennan7832]

thank you for this comment. I am 47 and starting to wonder this about myself.

[@mayanchesnanarciso173]

i would like to ask, how many appointments did it take before you were diagnosed?

[@anneknol8583]

@@mayanchesnanarciso173 at first my uncle suggested I could have autism. I wasn’t ready for that, because i was struggling with a burn-out at the time. That was in 2008. Later I consulted a psychologist and asked him if I could have autism. He said maybe you have some slight autistic characteristics but not real autism. 12 years later, while being treated for another health issue, some health professionals suggested I could have autism. Then I underwent a thorough diagnostic examination, during 3 month, containing, multiple interviews and life anamnese, interviews with family members, intelligence tests, surveys, personality tests, conducted by a very thorough psychologist who specializes in autism, which resulted in the diagnosis ASD, in 2022.

[@anneknol8583]

So at least 6 appointments

[@vf12497439]

I spent 45 years masking and attempting to hide in plain sight. Don’t speak unless spoken too…. Don’t share anything because you will be attacked. After my diagnosis I’m still masked up because no one understands. My fiancée has been amazing. I can be myself around her and she just jumps in and laughs with me, acts a fool and is for the most part is interested in the same things. I’m so fortunate to have found her.

[@christinecrum7934]

My favorite quote working through all this is, “society views an uncategorized man like an unmuzzled dog, not under proper control.” (I’m sorry I don’t remember where I read it.) To me it hit home because people have a hard time labeling ND people with a category. We usually fit into many in different ways. That can make people uncomfortable. But I see that as society’s problem. Not ours. We each make our own categories. The Beautiful Mind categories. :) Cheers

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

I relate to the strategy of "Not attracting any attention at all". I tend to not go out and about much, so that I don't have to worry about masking. I visit my best friend once every 1-2 weeks, visit family once in a while, and I go out for work, and when I run errands. But whenever I have time to myself, I avoid having to go out in public, because I socialize and try to blend in plenty enough already.

[@robyncoe6441]

@ArtsyMegz I'm realizing when I read your words that wearing an actual mask in public these past 2 years has at least let me experience the feeling of not automatically "masking" outside the house.

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

@@robyncoe6441 Yes, wearing the surgical mask seems to help me as well. At this point in my life though, I haven't felt as interested in socializing and fitting in. At age 36, I finally found that I don't have the energy to mask very much anymore. This is especially true if I don't have the essential things that I need, such as getting enough sleep, eating when I need to, getting enough alone time, and taking a break when I need one. In the past, I was somehow able to white-knuckle through it, but that started to slowly dwindle (I remember having a meltdown 3 years ago after having to go to a 4th Christmas dinner (this was 4 days in a row of having to be in a house full of people; a different environment each time and people asking me non-stop questions)). If I am having to talk to people for 6 hours at a time, my brain will start going into overdrive after the first couple of hours, and I can no longer act like I am fine when I am in that state. My brain sort of just shuts down, and it becomes difficult to string sentences together while trying to sound energetic or upbeat. This is what caused me to research about autism, and why I decided to start telling people my needs, because I was always afraid that people would feel offended if I needed more alone time than they do. And all of my working life, I remember all of the times that my coworkers got irritated at me for getting worn out. I always assumed that they were lying to me when they said that they were fine and didn't need a break yet. But apparently they might not have been lying after all.

[@XeLYoutube]

work well when single men have money : wear boring blcak cloth, avoid unessentual suffering of gold diggers single mom entitled overweight princess chaining baby daddy and beta provider then "where are all the good men" this is not the rich beta you are looking for *mind erase with hand, and not the alpha, and the omega zeta ghosthing blackpill is boring.. or invisible.

[@XeLYoutube]

breed alpha , milk beta, no need ignore others, thye are already invisible.

[@nataliesirota2611]

Just received my official diagnosis today, time to unmask!

[@Justboatfishing]

Just do you 👏👏❤

[@frolickinglions]

Congratulations on your diagnosis. 💛

[@withyoctopus]

🎉 congratulations

[@robyncoe6441]

Good for you and wishing you strength and courage.

[@gracet4444]

As a visibly disabled person I don't have the choice of looking "normal" or to blended in. Therefore I feel that I should be proud and confident in my difference and make that choice.

[@kainaris]

I camouflage because socializing is just so uncomfortable. I keep misunderstanding things or just simply not hearing what someone said and having to ask "What? Can you repeat that?" or I just say "Oh" and nod and smile having no clue what they said or what they meant because I am so ignorant.

[@charlottekylin4169]

Loved your quote at the end - it made so much sense. 2 years ago at age 71 I realized I'm autistic and my life started falling into place. I was brought up to be conventional in a strict Era. In my 20's I got into spiritual and self exploration as well as theater so I was around people who were 'different, and I fit in more than I ever had. But after college I got an office job which just about killed my spirit. Everyone knew I was different and they didn't like it. I had a few work friends and one deep relationship with someone I now see was probably on the spectrum too. But at work I was either keeping to myself or trying to fit in, but I had lost most of the self confidence I had in my 20's and 30's. Now I'm retired and disabled, and since covid I hardly go out or see others. Sometimes I'd like to be more social, but I can't say I'm lonely, since now I get to pursue my own interests. I wish that I had known I wasn't broken or weird many years ago, and that I had had resources like yours to help me understand more about myself. Your videos have helped me learn so much!

[@thechurchofdave]

I have a high IQ and didn't know I was Autistic. I just knew that most people didn't like me. So I learned lots of ways to hide myself. And it worked rather well. Until I got cancer that gave me an abundance of brain damage. That slowed me way down, that as an ADHD person, was sort of like a kind of vacation. However, that same brain damage also washed away what I now, at 60 years old, find out was called masking. And I've worked like crazy to fix all the damage and get back up to speed. So now my brain is running pretty much at full speed again. Except all the masking is still gone. So at 60, I am now stuck with the social skills of my 8 year old self. Loads of fun. For instance, a number of noises and behaviors of other humans bothers me. Today I went to go eat at a restaurant. I went to the most remote, dark, quiet table in the entire building. The server was obviously annoyed that I did that. The a large party of loud people came in and the server sat them all, in a mostly empty room. . . RIGHT fucking next to me. And they were so loud that it was painful and I couldn't even hear my own wife speaking to me from 2 feet away. So I asked to just have my food wrapped up to go. I didn't complain. I didn't ask anyone to accommodate my needs. I just gave up and went to leave. Instead of wrapping my order to go, the server told me to follow her and she put me in a different room. About 3 feet from the same exact people. Except now there were some broken stained glass windows between us. All the same noises were still there. So I asked again to wrap my food before it came to the table. At that point, my lifetime as an overly liberal, dirty hippy, who has been beaten by the police numerous times because of nothing more than my looks, and even though Nazis destroyed my family, and the KKK has shown up with guns in my driveway twice. . . NOW because SOME of the loud people I tried to remove myself from were BLACK. . . the management decided that now, my bald head makes me just another old white guy racist. Cuz I guess I don't LOOK Autistic enough. The best way for me to deal with other people, is avoid the fuck outta them.

[@ExecutionerHopkins]

Im sorry but that is hilarious. They thought you were a racist skinhead 😂 you must have had a good laugh afterwards

[@3nrika]

Being oneself is impossible when one doesn't know who one is. Great video, Paul.

[@maxk880]

That's why you have to find that out first before trying to live life

[@cherylyoke4872]

Your comment really stood out to me. I have wondered that also, so many times. Until you know, just “be.” Believe in yourself and be happy. You are enough just as you are, whether you’re camouflaging, masking, whatever. It’s all you. Be happy.

[@marktunnicliffe2495]

I don't know what "normal" is? But whatever it is, it's been made clear to me on many occasions; that I'm not "it". But that's all good, I'd much rather be my kooky individual self. At least the real friends that I have, accept me for who I am; and love me for it.

[@rainbowgirl55]

The thing is I find that if I sit by myself at a social gathering that people see that as anti-social and tend to just leave me there and I'm left with nobody to connect with and just end up leaving the situation and going home.

[@rickross80]

That's how my prom looked like 6 years ago, I was confused, I felt extremely anxious and my prom partner ended up leaving me and I just sat in a room alone. I went to the bathroom with tears in my eyes and called my mom to pick me up.

[@rainbowgirl55]

@@rickross80 I'm so sorry you went through that experience. I've had many similar experiences and it's soul destroying. If only people understood and we're more accommodating, it would be a much easier world for neurodivergent people.

[@deborahlee8135]

I've told myself i dont care what people think, but its not true, its based on shame. I came to believe this. So much unpacking to do.

[@Ace_Greymoore]

This was enlightening to watch. I've been trying to teach myself to be more accepting of myself, but it's been hard because I've had people tell me I can be annoying, and I don't want to annoy people either. I never considered that I could accept myself and still blend in as well.

[@visionvixxen]

So much difficulty w what some closest to me say,” I have an irritation factor?!? “ 😮 It’s truly impossible to get on this one and very discouraging after all the efforts to be more out there.

[@ht7cs]

Even in my late 50s, I have to be mindful not to let my fear of irritating someone be my undoing. I am vigilant, I try my best. That should be enough. Its SO easy to slip into self-hatred. On the flip side, I have to guard myself from becoming irritated with people who unknowingly grate on my sensory sensitivities. Anyway, it's good to know I'm not alone.

[@autismfromtheInside]

Thanks, Ace! Glad you liked the video!

[@missusingle]

“Be yourself. Everyone else is taken” is my favorite

[@yukisanderson6907]

Yes. I agree. Understanding who you are is really important. It is OK to be different. Each person is unique. That is beautiful.

[@mattedwards8022]

"I still know who I am and I still like who I am". That was a hard learned lesson, but once I learned it; once I believed it, it changed my life.

[@Geaners100]

I just found your channel on Thanksgiving Day in the U.S. I have been binge-watching your videos. I appreciate how eloquently and concisely you explain everything. You are exactly the kind of person I would seek out at a social event, and I would leave feeling energized that I met an intelligent, deep, "real" person and had an interesting conversation. Don't be hesitant to go off topic or go "too deep" in your videos. There are so many of us who love the deep end. I actually test new acquaintances by how deep they can go. Part of the problem with masking is that you can miss connection with like-minded people. Anyway, listening these past couple of weeks has helped make sense of everything to me--now I understand the "why" of so many things in my life. Don't feel as if you have to cut yourself off, or that you are talking too long. We are listening, and could hang for an hour. I also personally appreciate that you are a person of faith. Blessings on you and yours!

[@truepeace3]

I love your comment. You expressed yourself so well. This is something I’ve noticed from many people on the spectrum. Maybe it’s because we live so much inside of our heads, that when we do put our thoughts into words on “paper,” it’s so relatable. I too long for deep conversations with people, that get past the superficialities of life. Apparently we’re out there. We just need to find each other. ✨🤍🌟

[@adelaova9868]

I do appreciate the 'deep' part about connection. I always go to a social event hoping to find someone I can connect with but it happens very rarely, if ever. I don't remember it happening more than once to this day (with my current partner, but even that is sometimes lost and I feel the need to start masking) and it makes me wonder whether I am expecting something that is not actually possible. Interestingly, I sometimes have dreams where I am with a friend walking and just enjoying each other's company (I never actually see their face). So is connection possible on a large scale, do you have to be close to that person first? I know people that seem to naturally have connection with others from the very start and I just listen in amazement not knowing what to add to the conversation!

[@autismfromtheInside]

You're very welcome, Robbie and thanks too!

[@maggienicols-anothervoice671]

Viva the deep end! So glad to be in my seventies and finally knowing enough other deep, neuro divergent and sensitive souls . When I have to go into the ‘straight world’ , I forget how stressful it is . I can’t believe how neurotically & manically I masked. To put it in sound engineering terms All treble, no middle or bass. Deepest thanks to how my life is now. I have compassion for my masking self (I still mask when I’m insecure with people I don’t feel safe with, although my ‘weirdness’ tends to burst out, in ungrounded ways. It is often seen as quirky and quaint, now. Being a performer gives some leeway for ‘eccentricity’) )Through lived experience of extreme vulnerability, I facilitate workshops and co create gatherings where people can be how they need to be.! Little practices of freedom, scratching the surface but as one participant said ‘It’s a deep scratch’! I loved that. Wounded healers, nurturing warriors, making safe space to share crazy wisdom’

[@O-Demi]

I bought a chunky plush toy for myself, so I could hug it and feel calm when needed, and a person I hold dear told me, "Are you a 5 year old?" I feel somewhat hurt by such comments but I've learnt to accept myself and still learning not to feel hurt by people's comments. I can be as 'weird' by other people's standards as I want because whatever I do I'm still a weirdo. So I've just decided to enjoy my life despite what anyone thinks.

[@callumsimpson7769]

We need more people in the world like you, I really never new what was wrong with apart from struggling a lot socially and feeling exhausted for hours if I had to participate in social gatherings, I’m 66 but you have made my life a whole lot happier. I accept and quite like who I am. I can be honest when I’m anxious so don’t have melt downs, which destroyed a lot of relationships in my life. I’m so lucky to have the best husband and charmed life ❤

[@callumsimpson7769]

Should have signed Susan SIMPSON

[@MelodieRose727]

I love that episode of Community! I've seen the entire series many times, it's one of my comfort shows. Love that quote! "Normal" is one of the things I've tried to be in the past, but it's so relative, that it turns into morphing myself to fit whatever the person I'm with expects me to be like, or wants me to be like. It might be a family member, or my romantic partner, or a coworker. That's acceptance for being 'normal,' in a way, but it always left me empty, and sad, and eventually, angry. I even knew that I was doing it, but I didn't know any other way of trying to fit in. It was my AuDHD diagnosis that finally gave me some ideas as to why that was happening (I'd always chalked it up to having a flawed personality). I am trying to learn to be authentic, but I'm aware that the freedom to fit in or NOT is a privilege that not everyone gets to enjoy. Camouflaging is an important survival tactic for those who've been unfairly marginalized. As always, a very insightful, mentally challenging episode. The way you bring together so many different types of knowledge and experience, and present the ideas so well, is fantastic. The bright white transition screens are a little jarring, but that's just my own personal sensory issues.

[@LegenD41RY]

I have touted that Abed quote for YEARS for the very same reasons, when I told my therapist that quote in a session one day she literally wrote it down to tell her other clients as an example of positive flexibile self image. So glad to share this wonderful parasocial moment of validation with a stranger on the internet over our mutual respect for this one line of life changing dialog ❤

[@tadeobiologo]

I've been very interested in psychology for a couple of years now. For some reason, your videos kept appearing in my recommendations over and over again and it didn't made much sense to me. Then I watched one video and the pieces started falling into place. I've always been shy, quirky, had strange but deep interests, have very few friends, I'm not good at socializing, and the list goes on. I took the autistic quotient quiz and my results are around 35-37. So I was well, it makes sense. The thing that struck me the most was to be shown one thing I struggle with is how slow I'm at changing contexts. Now I know it has a name (monotasking) and waiting mode is a big thing for me (I'm always early to meetings too!) . The curse of giftedness also resonates strongly with my life experience. So, here I am with my new hyperfocused interest. Thanks for your content.

[@truepeace3]

Does anyone else struggle with hellos and goodbyes? Those times are always so awkward for me, because I don’t know how to act, or what to say. I also struggle with special occasions. Especially ones where I’m the center of attention, like my birthday. I always act like I’m having fun, but I just want to hurry up and open the gifts, blow out the candles and get it over with. Lol. But I feel this way during other special occasions too. Maybe it’s just me wanting things to get back to “normal.” So many expectations and changes in routine. I mask well, but internally I just want to run.

[@its3amandilostmypassword]

I dropped my mask and I find myself so much happier. Even tho some people don’t like it, I’ll still be myself. The right people will like you. Obviously there’s some things you need to follow in social situations, I’ve learned stuff I can and can’t talk about to people, but stimming in public, is something I do all the time and I don’t care lol

[@EmberShadowtempest]

I really struggle with the desire to be normal. Then feeling completely fake when around others because I spent so much time masking not being me. I guess I'm still really figuring out who I am. Great video. I feel like finding a balance of different strategies headed on the situation sounds like it would work. I appreciate that you share your experiences.

[@nekodotcom]

this means a lot to me, im a 30 year old woman and have been binging paul's videos for a while. i have always felt like i wasn't trying hard enough to be socially successful, to be like other people and that if i really forced myself out of my comfort zone i would find out i actually like the things everyone else likes. i believed that deep down, i could unlock my secret self that fit in and could socialize, but i was just failing at it. as a result i've been suffering from really negative self talk and hating the parts of me that didn't seem to find joy like others did. changing my perspective to "i'm not like them, and i don't have to be" is mind blowing and relieving. thanks to paul i'm trying to start my journey discovering who i really am and what i really like and accepting it. i know once i accept myself, using strategies to interact with other people will stop feeling like painful failures. thank you

[@T-Mary76]

Same! It’s amazing to find out and not feel like a failure and instead realise there is a way to work with how I am, I’m so excited only just beginning this journey too x

[@soyestee]

Loved reading your comment💘

[@Satoji_Art]

I relate to this a lot!

[@federicagermini2719]

Hi Paul, I realized a couple months ago to be autistic (I'm 30 now btw, just like you at the time) and it has been a really transformative experience, as high masking, normally intelligent female. I love how you explain the autistic experience, in this video you manage to give words to feelings I've never been able to describe or even fully understand. thank you so much for your work, without people like you on the internet I would have never been able to start this amazing self discovery process!

[@aliciahammond7912]

I try to embrace my "flaws" and I find I'm more creative and grounded that way. It can be exciting to do my own thing and not care what other people think. I have done this earlier on in life but found myself feeling that pressure to be "normal" and mask simply because the pandemic made alot of people mean and crazy and I'm actively working on taking it down. It's gotten better this year and I've finally remembered who I was before my mental health took a downward spiral. This video is literally almost an exact mirror of my thought process this year and I realized the exact same thing. There is no " right " way to be.

[@Steertanzer]

Same, regarding the pandemic. The way people became so different (and mean) + having to avoid social situations as much as possible, really brought back the social anxiety I used to feel growing up. Working on breaking away from it again, and it's damn hard.

[@Hi_Im_Akward]

I struggle with both sides of this so much. On the one hand, masking has been such an essential part of my survival. It's to the point where I automatically mask, even though it's exhausting and lonely. On the other hand, being myself has been met with negative reactions but I've gone so long beating myself up because it's so difficult and exhausting to try and be "normal". So letting go of that need to be "normal" has reduced a lot of stress and burn out. Ultimately where I find myself is somewhat stuck in the middle, automatically masking and feeling like an alien, feeling lonely and isolated but safe, or I forget what situation Im in and I'm being myself around the wrong people and it's just a negative experience. Often I can't figure out what makes sense, and ultimately I prefer to be alone to be myself than try and figure out what is the appropriate self I'm supposed to present..

[@XeLYoutube]

imagine being a minimalist vegan in a maximalist carnist world... gotta mask all the time.. cant make entitled people angry about entitlement of not causing unessential suffering without concent to sentient being, and overpopulating and drying out this planet for 10 billion narcist. gotta act normal, materialist and carnist.

[@docbryant]

I avoid social situations at all times, if I can. There are exceptions. Family already know who I am and are used to my eccentricities. But in a group of, say, my wife's friends, I am well aware that the probability is that nobody present will be interested in anything I have to say on any given subject, and frankly, I have little interest in the subjects that they are discussing. That being the case, I spend the evening with my mouth closed, politely smiling and nodding. I don't know if what I feel could qualify as lonely. Certainly it would be nice to have someone to have a good conversation with, but again, the likelihood of that happening is very slim. And in my experience, loneliness, or what I assume to be loneliness, is an emotion easily discarded.

[@kerendn]

I don't think I'm autistic but I'm definitely neurodivergent. Just the thought of social situations is so draining. I feel uncomfortable, exposed, overwhelmed, self conscious. It takes me a while to feel okay in the situation and I often feel annoyed if people talk to me before I've relaxed a bit. It's so difficult to get to a comfortable place where I enjoy the situation. I've masked a lot and it sucks. I ended up feeling like a phony, like a hollow shell. Because the weird would always come out at some point. And masking is exhausting.

[@jonlilley2832]

I'm not a mindreader, but one of my gifts is to immediately pick up on what other people are thinking by what they say and do. Long story short; if I pick up that someone doesn't like me, I'm off! So sad, too bad, I'm not wasting my precious time on you! I'll know if someone is interested in me or what I do if they want to chat, Bazinga! I'll give them my time until I either burn out or melt down. Then, I need to go and recharge. I've never considered myself as masking because that's just too much work. I'm true to myself and will chat for a bit with those that are trying to be social and then move on. I never foist myself on other people. It never works for me. If no one wants to talk, I consider how long I've been there (wedding, funeral, etc.) and quietly leave! Happy Holidays, Paul! Hope all's going well there!

[@SophiaFerreira-n4t]

Don't mind me, just hardcore relating to every word you've said, devouring video after video as I am simply in awe watching someone articulate every aspect of my inner world with such nuance and ease... ...when I've spent my whole life thus far pondering it, continually feeling "blindsided" at realisation moments like "oh...ok...so this isn't how everyone experiences life/this??", then attempting to find relatable (albeit quirky) ways to explain "it" (whatever "it" is) to others (and myself!), and still feeling like I can't quite put my finger on it...can't quite find the right way to express it....or if I felt I did express it "accurately", not having it land the way I had hoped, or expected... Or realising I come across as extremely contradictory to people at times...and then wondering why that is...and if I can figure out the "missing piece" that helps show both sides of the same coin (or as I like to think of it - all facets of the crystal) and articulate that...that isn't always received well...and I am left feeling entirely misunderstood. But feeling like, if I could just "explain it better" then people will understand...until I come to the realisation, the best connections I have ever had, "got it" and liked me for me, without all this extra scaffolding, and loved, embraced and appreciated my quirky way of doing and being. Thank goodness I felt connected to and understood and embraced by some people early on in life, because it always gave me the base line belief, "Hey, your people, your "tribe", your vibe, they are out there. They may not be where you are right now, but they are out there, and you will come across them". And so I have, here, there & everywhere as I have gone about life. Since realising I am ND, a few of my friends have also shared they have or are coming to similar realisations. I am simply stunned. And feeling so much relief, a touch of grief and a whole ton of gratitude to be on this journey of true self discovery. Without people like you, sharing your inner worlds and reflecting on experiences so openly, who knows how much longer (if ever) it would take for me to get to this point. Thank you is an understatement. Now I'm off to watch the "Foreigner Strategy" video - I stopped dead in my tracks and opened it up in another tab when you mentioned it in this video - as I have literally been clinging on to the "foreigner card" as a Third Culture Kid, who continues to put herself in "odd one out" foreign situations her whole life in order to feel most at ease & at home within herself & the world.

[@ari3lz3pp]

💡I love this! Instead of burning out trying to fit in it can make sense to just focus on being as comfortable as possible in the most important ways and then to take little steps to get that social interaction. ❤️ Ironically I do think this is normal in many aspects; to have various modes of being social or not. But I do think it's just more taxing and intricate for ASD. "Normal" people go through similar but often without having to think about it. I think w/ ASD there's a tendency to feel secure only with a system in place and a plan, and that can give way to overthinking and feeling overwhelmed in social environments where we can't predict how it's going to go. "I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not". I appreciate you Paul! Also seeing if my ASD child will have a listen. ☺️ Good general advice I think for people outside that spectrum as well.

[@ht7cs]

Wow! I love this! Well said. Your take-away notes were even more helpful to me than the video--and that's saying a lot! 1,000THNX !!!

[@Judymontel]

I agree - VERY good general advice for people outside that spectrum as well.

[@DarkKnight906]

It's actually really, really hard to act "normal" in public settings. It's a mixture of being judged harshly by others and adhering to "social norms". So masking ends up being my only option in those types of situations, even though inside I might be feeling overwhelmed, anxious, uncomfortable, awkward, weird etc. Unfortunately, the modern world doesn't like anything that's different or abnormal. People love to judge and point out aspects of autistic individuals as being weird, strange or odd without bothering to get themselves educated and actually give them a chance. Whatever your disability or condition, you're still a human being!

[@jodikutz3048]

Normal....its a setting on my dryer 😂 As always you put into words so well something I have struggled with for years. Thank you. What a concept to give ourselves permission to make some social rules for ourselves that have flexible strategies for the ever changing dynamics of any given situation. Kudos😎

[@DesertDweller-s9e]

Just recently found your channel. Have never seen how life is every day expressed so well. Thank you for what you are doing here.

[@ros8986]

Topic idea - separating masking from attempting to communicate to NT's

[@NothingByHalves]

I find that as long as I try to make the best of any social situation - be kind and listen to others - then I can play the masking by ear and not feel down on myself whatever I choose. Sometimes I feel disappointed there wasn't a chance to be me, or talk about the things that are meaningful to me, and sometimes I am pleasantly surprised. I recently attended my Dad's 80th birthday party. My Dad doesn't know, and wouldn't understand, the whole ASD thing. I met with aunts and uncles and cousins who I hadn't seen for four years and all of them asked the most dreaded question: "so... how are you? Where are you working now?" and it was out of love and concern and curiosity and not as a way of judging (which is always the way I've seen it in the past). I wish, in hindsight, that I'd spent more time having a balanced conversation and finding out more about them, but I always feel I have to explain myself fully - that's just something to note for the future and improve. At the end of the day I made a speech, and I was me, slightly inappropriate, kept them all guessing where I was leading, and made them all laugh. I had no clue what I was saying at the time as I tend to blank out but apparently it was quite good :oD I found some real connections and had some lovely conversations too. And then it took me two days to recover but that is par for the course.

[@davidhill5684]

I'm told that the word "persona" is the Greek word for "mask". In plain terms, we can say that whatever people present consciously is actually false. When people act spontaneously we get a chance to see the real person, and it's very refreshing to allow ourselves to do that. I have always struggled with fitting in, and been sorely battered by life when things have gone sour. I'm actually working on being a bit less intense, which most people cannot handle I reckon. I never seem to get it right, however. At some point we must be able to be ourselves..

[@lisawanderess]

Great topic! I really appreciated this, thank you! As a late-diagnosed woman in my 50s my mask was pretty well established but the price of masking all these years took a huge toll on my health. Getting my autism diagnosis has really shed a light on just how much constant effort in adaptation was required to “act normal” and how much lighter I feel now that I’m bit by bit allowing my authentic self to express herself and not constantly worrying if I’m acting normal enough. I’ve seen other videos where other recently diagnosed people say that friends and family can sometimes makes comments about them “acting more autistic” since their diagnosis when in fact its the opposite. We’re “acting” so much that when we’re actually not, people think you are! Suppressing your quirkiness for other people’s benefit is exhausting!!! Dropping the mask is so much more fun!

[@lynettecarey2412]

Totally agree , just realising I’m autistic and on a 2 year waiting list for official diagnoses. I’m 54 and my family say I am acting much more autistic now. But that’s part of my acceptance and being the real me. I have kept it secret from most, especially work. For now.

[@davenaai]

​@@lynettecarey2412 I'm 54 diagnosed a few months back and was eager to get it. Turns out it didn't help my family situation. I almost wish I didn't tell them. I was expecting other than "Ahh it's BS....just try harder in life, just shake it off..." LOL

[@NanaKitty-tiger501]

I once had a friend who asked me how many personalities did I have because I would change for every situation and now I just stay alone all the time I have become a true hermit. It's lonely once in awhile but since I prefer being alone it's not that bad and it is a lot easier.

[@ender5023]

Yeah, I avoid socializing if possible. I feel happier that way. The more effort and energy I put into a "friendship", the more my mask is reinforced and the harder it is to take it off. It causes nothing but pain and exhaustion for me to have friends. I mean, I can look like I'm socializing pretty well, but the better I perform, the more I hate doing it.

[@KMx108]

When I think about how my friends would describe me, the ones who are neurotypical (who have been my friends since early childhood) have told me directly that I'm weird, but they accept me and seem to appreciate me the way I am. I find it easy to be with them. I think everyone else I connect with are on the autism spectrum and see me as someone they could easily talk to for hours and hours, without seeming weird at all.

[@georgeandraos2509]

i’ve figured out a logic that might be helpful for some of y’all : so i’ve struggled with identity my whole life way before knowing what autism is and i’ve always been aware that i was “acting” .. one day i realized something during a weed trip (i was overdosing and i closed my eyes and my brain sort of showed me a powerpoint presentation to explain the logic to me lol ) so here it comes : try to perceive demeanour/personality/gestures the same way you perceive language. the words we use are all borrowed. we didn’t create the words, we heard them from other people and borrowed them to get our point across. it’s a mean of communication. everyone does that. we’re not hypocrites for stealing words that we did not invent. same thing for demeanour. it’s just borrowed extensions of your self to help you communicate. you might borrow a facial expression to communicate a specific message even if you were aware that you copied it from someone else you saw doing. everyone does that, but i feel that autistic people are just more perceptive and notice what happens backstage, while neurotypicals just don’t think about it. everyone does that. that’s why humans have “mirror neurones” . we are supposed to copy each other. that’s why italian people have similar hand gestures and accent. they weren’t born with them, it’s cultural transfer. so don’t feel bad for “wearing” masks and hats and hair extensions and eye lashes (figuratively) . that’s not being hypocrite. they are just extensions of your self. tools to help you get your point across. so just listen to your original impulses and amplify them with borrowed behaviour if you need to , while acknowledging the whole process and being on board and understanding that there’s nothing weird or bizarre about it. also i feel like even neurotypicals mask. we’re just hyper aware of the mechanisms that constitute life and it can be paralyzing. we just have a wider peripheral vision and it can get too much, too much data. so yeahhh just chill my loves 🫶 . OH and here’s another logic that helped me a lot : (it was actually a grindr date who expressed it to me and it was a game changer) okay so you know when there’s a new movie coming out and we say “ahh i can’t wait to see amy adam’s character” . We know that amy adams will be pretending to be someone else, we don’t necessarily care about the character, but we’re excited to see Amy’s interpretation of the character. we’re gonna love it because it’s Amy’s take on that character. another actress could play the same character and it will come out completely different. we’re excited to see Amy’s “mask” . because even when amy is being someone else, her character or “mask” has her signature . there’s amy’s essence in that character. This idea changed my life when i remembered it , because i was SPIRALING and thinking “wait have i been a shell of a person this whole time ? did i never have a genuine interaction? “ and that’s a very harmful narrative and also not true !! yes masking is energy-expensive and is a form or people pleasing and that’s all it is, nothing darker than that. when you mask, even though it’s a persona that’s not identical to your “authentic “, vulnerable self, it IS still your own synthesis . YOU used YOUR mechanisms to figure out the world and create a persona. it’s your craft and it has your essence, no matter how “unauthentic” it was . also , one more thought about this : you don’t owe authenticity to anyone! remember that :)) we can get so caught up in our “self dissection “ that we end up believing we HAVE to get rid of alll artifice and all fakeness, but actually who is that narrative benefiting ? i don’t owe anyone to be an open book. You do it only if you feel like it baby. otherwise you’re FINE ! literally every human is fake because we’re social beeings . neurotypicals can be fake, they can mask, it’s a universal thing don’t let it give you complexes :)) because it sure did that to me for all my life and i have to remind myself every once in a while about this. okayyyy i hope it helps xoxo

[@catherinejames2734]

Good timing on this one! Right before I’m building up courage to go to a Xmas party. Thank you😅

[@joycecz]

You are wonderful, Paul! I am a 69-year-old woman who has known for about 40 years that I was Aspergers but let's just say - On the Spectrum for sure! Only in the past year have I really started to understand what this means for me as a woman. Thank you, Paul! Your videos have really helped me for sure!

[@shankariab1687]

Thank you very much for this video. I recently found your channel. I was crying at 4am and I was asking myself who I really am? And feeling very lonely not having any good connections. This video soothed me and now I think I'll sleep.

[@filmmaking_yt112]

I remembered a quote from Mad Men: "I told him to be himself. That was pretty mean I guess"

[@willehuuskonen]

Thank you! Things are complex, and the way to go is to embrace the complexity instead of trying to find a shortcut which is likely to result in frustration, even depression. You're doing a great job!

[@jazzypanduh]

After two years post-diagnosis, I realize what works best for me is presenting a “hybrid” version of myself where I’m not completely masking or unmasking. I tried completely unmasking and it wasn’t worth the misunderstandings and negative treatment.

[@BipolarCourage]

Many people who claim to be "high masking" seem to be performing (even by their own admission) to "unmask". Even comes across as performative

[@v.k.2320]

I realised right now that I was helping always the new kids in school to fit in because I was conditioned to blend in 🙄 In recent years I break down all the time and in the last months I try to be more myself and I feel more and more better.

[@Laneline5000]

Sometimes when I watch your videos I am filled with this overwhelming feeling that someone understands finally. It is a weird emotion. Like wanting to cry and pride and feeling like it's ok.

[@francoisduez601]

I have struggled for most of my life to know what was the best strategy to adopt in each situation... so much that I rarely know what it means to be myself. The easyer is to stay home when I have the choice, but it is not the best to connect to other people... The worst being, like you said, feeling alone in the middle of a crowd, what I experienced way too often! I realised recently that I am probably autistic, so I still don't really know what to do in most situations, but it will definitely help to know that there are several ways... I also liked the quote about acting being different than masking...

[@LieutenantDan894]

What I have learned and observed through my life is that, if you are successful in life, career, cars, wife, kids and a home is that you can be yourself and people look at you normal. If you're unsuccessful or lacking most of these things and try to be yourself, people don't perceive you as normal.

[@catherinecarter8987]

For me, unlocking being myself involved learning boundaries. With boundaries, I began to loose myself from masking.

[@kirraelliott20]

I really love this video thank you, I’m trying to figure who is me and who isn’t

[@Sakichii]

Maybe I'm misunderstanding it, but the foreigner strategy reminds me of how I was able to feel comfortable being myself when I started at work because I was the only female employee for a long time. I didn't feel like I had to dress or act in a particular way because I wasn't the same as anyone else. I'm not sure if I've ever used it consciously in social situations though, usually I will end up hiding and not saying anything and ending up feeling lonely. A lot of the things discussed in this video resonate with me.

[@Rebecca-oz9fu]

Thank you Paul for this analysis. It really struck me how in my early years, people always either told me I am stuck up or that I am shy. I knew that I was neither of those, so I guess the masking has been my “always must do” go to. No real connections can be made when masking is the way of living. Finding all of this out is helpful, so much garbage to understand about my life and how I got here, and exactly where I am. Your other alternatives makes so much sense. As you said, each one of these has their own place in life, and their own time.

[@t-housetv7580]

One thing I value in a relationship with other is the ability to sit comforatbly in silence. Where you are so comfortable around the other person that nobody needs to say anything. When around strangers, you have to small talk for around 30 minutes. However, some people never shut up. It's annoying.

[@johnnydark4802]

"Be your self".. It´s same thing when like when my mom keeps saying, "don´t think about it". Cause that works so well.. 🙃

[@truepeace3]

Oh my gosh. How did you get inside of my head? All of my life my self talk would be “I just want to be normal.” Only recently did I find that I’m a high functioning autistic woman that’s been masking my whole life. At 65, not much I can do. But what I can say is that had I not become a born again Christian 43 years ago, I don’t think I would have made it. No one understood these kinds of personal struggles back then. God has helped me so much. But there was a time I wouldn’t have even been able to tell you who I am, so how could I be myself? It took many years for me to know who I am.

[@lisareid7043]

I am 61 and not officially diagnosed and am wondering who I really am especially after 41 year marriage ended. I have lived my whole life trying to be who people wanted I don’t know how to do any different! Any hints or ideas that helped you?

[@truepeace3]

@@lisareid7043 I’m so sorry to hear about your marriage. That must be so hard to now feel like you’re starting all over again after 20 years. I hope you have a good support system. ❤️ To some degree, I think it can be normal for women to be people pleasers. But when it’s excessive to the point of losing yourself, that’s when you get messed up. Looking back, I can see why I didn’t fit in and how it added to my stress of feeling weird, yet wanting to fit in. So I studied people I admired and became a chameleon to a large degree. I couldn’t have told you my favorite color for years and I was an art teacher! I think what started me on my journey to finding who I am was when we moved several years ago. In the process of making our home more neutral and buyer friendly, we remodeled the kitchen and bathrooms. I also I got rid of many things and bought new home decorations. I began to have some “aha” moments about my true decorating style and colors that I loved. (I had many things handed down to me over the years and worked my decorating around them). I know it might sound a bit superficial, but by doing this, I began to find my voice and be happy with my choices. This began to show itself in other ways over the years, but it began with something as simple as a remodel. I can also tell you that God had to do a lot of work with me on an emotional level. I had ADHD and tics, as well growing up. There was a lot of pain that I had to work through from a troubled childhood. That’s been the hardest part of my life journey. But He has been my greatest strength. Most people have no idea the things I struggle with, because I’ve been able to mask well. But that mask can most definitely make you afraid that people will “find you out.” My biggest fear was that people would see my weirdness. I was always hiding in creative ways. So maybe you could start with baby steps like I did. For me it began with discovering my decorating style. Just that simple step opened up other doors to helping me feel more comfortable about what I really do like and who I am. Hope this helps a little. The people pleasing part still rears it’s annoying head at times, but that’s not always bad. It’s only bad when I’m uncomfortable, or afraid to speak up. When those times happen, I try to understand why I’m trying to please others, or fit in. That’s another way to help find out who you really are. Concentrate on the people who like you, not the ones who don’t. That one’s huge for me. Just remember, that you’re not alone. 🤗

[@visionvixxen]

Wish I could talk to you about this… I’m not sure what ai am and why the Lord would want this but after years of diagnosis, suspecting high functioning autism….

[@truepeace3]

@@visionvixxen God loves broken people. And he specializes in fixing us for His glory. There are times that I see the strengths in being a high functioning autistic. Not fitting in with the crowd isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, oftentimes, it’s a good thing. We know how to be alone without necessarily feeling lonely. I’m married, but can still feel alone and misunderstood. We also tend to be detail oriented, creative and studious. God put it on my heart a while back, to stop asking questions about why He made me like this and to just thank Him for meeting me where I am and loving me anyway. He delights in you because you’re His child. Trust Him with your struggles. His strength is made perfect in your weaknesses. God bless! 🌟🤍✨

[@lisareid7043]

@@truepeace3 thank you!

[@juanitaskerrett9027]

Fabulous topic. Love your discussion of it! And agree with you. Thank you Paul.

[@DragonGoddess18]

I focus more on understanding social etiquette to be polite so I know how to be truly kind My interests are my own but I do what I can to be a decent person. I don't want to just "be myself", I want to be the best version of myself

[@ros8986]

Paul you are very charming and lovely. I think it is important to be open to the possibility that some people do not want to talk about meaningful things with someone they have just met. But there is the middle ground of topics of "interest".

[@ioiwut4874]

general comment: this video has a real nice feel to it that i can't explain. its not the backdrop, which i love. i wanna say 'organic' or maybe fluid? maybe im just having a good day. but i can't say the uploads aren't always better and better. not trying to be too flattering i just wanted to make a note because for some reason this one stands out to me. hope that means something. p.s. love that you reference your dreads and the foreigner strats in this video since i used very very similar tactics (yes im calling them tactics lols) long long hair and always the 'new kid' that everyone knew about but only hung out with once or twice. i moved a lot..

[@z5scott]

This really explains it so well! I got so confused and discouraged when I kept trying to socialize and it left me feeling lonely. I thought I just had to be alone. But it was actually the mask I put on making me stay on a surface level of connection, not who I am. So I could only really connect with the people who acted unique and stood out from the crowd. The situations where I could take the mask off allowed me to connect, but since I didn't understand it, I couldn't deliberately decide how I wanted to approach the situation and it just happened automatically. It feels like a gamble. But now I understand that if I can learn how to unmask and search for connections the way that works for me, I can be that person for someone else and decide to make meaningful connections! I'm sure the environment matters too.

[@katoptron6583]

I really appreciate your calm, friendly and deliberate way of analysing human behaviour. Thank you.

[@SerenityRN]

The more i cleared the Junk in my Trunk..the more clarity i have received! Truth is one of those traits we Value more than anything and such a hard Pill for our loved Ones to swallow! StayTrue and allow our hearts to be An Open Vessel! Thank You i am really loving your Videos!

[@XeLYoutube]

i own 3 item. imagine how many free time i have per day... but i upload 12 hour a day with 1 of the item lol. minimalim is freedom. tons of time tons of money, easy cleaning.. no worry for objectifying myself while anthropomorphising my posession thatn my kids will sell once i die. a bed a guitar a comptuer... im about to get rid of the guitar

[@XeLYoutube]

then i can buy a dictionary!

[@peachnehi7340]

im exhausted just hearing about the experience - it is not a stretch to understand WHY masking becomes a matter of survival and why it is exhausting. It will make navigating school exhausting children and parents and teachers/ caregivers - but so important that students get the right support so they have the confidence to face the adult world with wisdom. 🙏🕊️ Thank you for your channel! It is INVALUABLE.

[@jannickestefansen4688]

I love this video, I approach things in a similar way, depending on the energy levels available 😊 I also really like that positive vibe about autism, I'm so tired of that sad - I want to be positive and happy and I deserve that as all other autustic people. We really should start see the great things about being autistic and more importantly, a unique soul. A soul that has another type of life experience all together. That was what shocked me most after getting my autism diagnosis a few years ago. It still amazes me when I discover how different I see the world and people compared to others. I've only ever known one autistic person, he was an amazing and fun guy from Junior high. I think we need to start viewing ourselves from another perspective, a positive, strong and real perspective

[@robyncoe6441]

Keep that list handy of how many "geniuses" who changed the world were likely actually autistic.

[@kennethbetts3557]

I don't mind standing out when I'm with friends, but in a crowd I prefer to blend in. When I go with friends to a large gathering, sometimes they draw attention to me and that is awkward.

[@chloepearl__]

“They told me I was different Best compliment ever” ❤️

[@davenaai]

I enjoy this channel. Got the diagnosis at 53 a year ago. Still early days. Since then it's been a roller coaster learning how I've been masking my whole life to survive. For the past few months I've dropped the masks. People really don't like me unmasked, it was part of my charms. Without masking I feel invisible and truly unable to connect with the NT world. So, the masks are going back on while I continue down my path and learn how to make this all work.

[@OktoPutsch]

On the other hand, i've noticed how much I loved being with someone without the need for talking, and just appreciating the warmth of a presence without the communication hassles (got many childhood memories of that), but it seems socially awkward for most of people...

[@AJansenNL]

Now that I'm suspecting I might very well be autistic, my motto "I have absolutely no desire to fit in" is starting to make sense. Trying to be social is so confusing and draining. Avoiding that saves a lot of grief.

[@evemacdonald8654]

When I practice sharing with others in more light hearted ways, I'm noticing that I worry that others are going to think I am hiding something. This concerns me but when I remember that this skill is NOT replacing my ability to have very deep connection, instead it is adding to my skill set. When I remember this, it helps me not feel so concerned and have faith that as I get better at it, it will become easier to do if I choose it. And having various choices in how I express feels very freeing.

[@Polly-ff8em]

being more comfortable around strangers has helped a lot, before i went on a job scheme at 19 i was painfully awkward

[@TooLittleInfo]

Community is such a great show with amazing writing and great characters and relationships. I have also come to a point of just embracing my "quirks" and leaning into it. I've been doing that for several years kind of inwardly before even realising that I was ND, but now I'm beginning to also express it outwardly, and I've never felt more comfortable with myself.

[@biaberg3448]

This is really helpful to me. Thanks a lot.

[@T-Mary76]

Wow thank you for this video, I recently realised I’m Autistic and went to a party last night and was thinking about these things, so helpful thank you! I’m so grateful that I know now.

[@linden5165]

I like this. It resonates with my experience too. Masking as a proactive choice is so much more empowering than doing it in a fearful way. It does still drain me so I don't do it a lot, but I'm happy to for short interactions with people I don't know well. I've found as I know myself better I'm a lot more comfortable showing vulnerability to others so I can show some uncertainty, share challenges with some humility and humour and my self-esteem stays intact. In fact it's boosted by being accepted as myself, rather than putting on a front of total certainty and confidence. I think there's more authentic confidence in showing the vulnerability. With the right people (safe people) I can show my softer side and build social connection with that. It gives relationships/interactions some resilience so that it's easier to defuse and move past the awkward moments, as those do still happen.

[@tiana5395]

Great quote at the end! I love the story of self-knowledge and confidence that it builds on!

[@theageofgoddess]

What you describe is exactly what I tend to do. It always depends on the situation & how I'm feeling at any given moment.

[@jeffrey3498]

I’ve reached the point where I just act on what bubbles up from my consciousness, and let the chips fall where they may, and I don’t really care where the chips fall. I take comfort in the truth that I’m perfectly content being alone anyway, so it’s win/ win. I trust in my consciousness whatever the results. If I relied on my rational mind to determine my behavior, this approach would fail miserably. Essentially, responding from your innermost true self, your consciousness, never leads you astray, even if in the moment it may seem that it has. I trust my true nature unequivocally.

[@JustMyAutisticalities]

I am just beginning to understand this part of me. This video was very helpful. But I really would have liked it, if you would have followed the negative self-messages of masking and camouflaging with a positve self-message one could consider to employ these strategies in a healthier way as you did with the "stand out" strategy. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us.

[@JeremyPowers85]

This video meant so much to me. Despite my autism, I was forced to mask all the time or I would be punished in horrible ways. So a lot of what I do on the outside hasn’t reflected how I am on the inside. Hearing that it’s okay to mask sometimes but it’s also important to be yourself was so encouraging. Thank you so much for sharing this!

[@huguesbellehumeur1687]

I like your approach, I see it as coming to a group with a deck of cards in your hands, you have your options and choose on the fly wich card to play depending on the vibe. We have to tell ourselves those things to get out of rigidity.

[@heedmydemands]

I'm the type who would come over and talk to the person by themself

[@mylifewithmarmalade4624]

Excellent way to explain it. There is no one strategy. The goal is to be clear on what you are doing and why so you are balancing the costs and benefits. How that balance works day to day will vary.

[@pb11118]

I'm not normal. Late diagnosed at 40 I no longer care about what other people think about me. What I do dislike though is when people at institutions (like my kids school) , expect me to 'behave' a certain way because it was 'fine' to meet their inflexible assumptions & expectations prior to diagnosis (it was not fine. I always hated it. Difference is, I now give myself permission to allow myself the accomodations I require). Things like meetings and how I conduct them and scheduling calls. I'm like 'um that's nothing to do with autism, that's just boundaries people!'. So basically I don't care anymore. This is my time now

[@gabriellelopes802]

Something that really ressonated was the whole sitting alone, apart from the group and having someone come to me instead. That's something I've done my whole life, no matter the place (like a new school, or a work gathering where I'm unfamiliar with the people). Takes no more than a week, but someone will come and talk to me, and usually we end up being friends, since the people that come to me in those situations are the ones willing to overlook my weirdness. I mean, props to my friends for approaching the girl with a resting b**** face sitting at the back lol

[@angryjugplayer1884]

Middle school was a sort of philosophical awakening for me in a lot of ways, and one of the things I realized was that when people say to just be yourself, what they actually mean is to just be confident. But being confident is not something you can just do. So instead, I realized that if I wanted to be confident, the answer actually was to just be myself, because once I have found and can present myself as my genuine self, I can work towards improving myself into becoming something I can actually be confident in, rather than just lying with fake confidence, which I wasn't even sure how to really do. I can look back now and understand that this was the moment I started undoing my autistic impulses and built systems for functioning normally, or as I see as functioning in a capacity worthy of respect.

[@foodpuppie]

I appreciated the distinction between standing out, masking, and camouflaging and the circumstances under which you might wisely choose one or another. After watching this, I think I would choose to stand out when I want to connect on a deeper level or add to the diversity of the group, I'd camouflage when my primary purpose is to observe (like an anthropologist would), and I'd largely mask (with breaks) when I want to connect on more universal things rather than the specifics of what makes me different. Thank you for framing it as a skill and choice rather than a problem.

[@Lulubelgique]

Great video as always! It's indeed a good strategy to find a balance between showing yourself and masking whenever you need to. Definitely, masking with people you consider your friends for example is not a good strategy, it's not even possible in the long run. But at the same time, it's easier said than done because, as the last quote says, you need to know yourself (and accept yourself) before being able to mask without harming yourself. As soon as I started kindergarten, I knew I was different but I didn't want to accept it. So I masked in the negative way which allowed to stay discreet, but I couldn't keep up with the social demands when I started high school. I lost all my social skills, my ability to fit in, etc. I was bullied, I was mocked. And because I never wanted to wanted to accept myself, I couldn't understand what was happening. At some point, I decided to learn more about myself and found out about autism. Even then, it wasn't easy to even consider I could be autistic. But gradually, I learnt to accept this and I am not in the process of getting an official assessment. In the meantime, I also learnt how to find more balance in being my authentic self and masking, but it's a work in process. Hopefully, I'll get there at some point!