How to be a supportive partner for a fearful avoidant

[@rlsouthworth]

I realize that this video is almost a year old and you may not see this, but I have to say - this is the second video of yours that I've watched today that I cried. I'm an AP and my partner is an FA. I'm in therapy to work on my AP issues but I wanted to learn more about my partner and you have really REALLY opened my eyes to many of the things that I do, as an AP, that may trigger my partner who will then do things that trigger me! Being an AP, I want to help everyone (knight in shining armor syndrome) and I know now that I can't. I can only be there to be supportive. And now I know that it's ok to set MY boundaries to protect and help myself, which I know in the long run, will help US. Thank you thank you THANK YOU!

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Such amazing insights and true growth!

[@love_kiwee]

oh my gosh... i am an FA and my partner is AP!!!! Can you share some insight on how you two made it work together??? we love each other deeply and make huge efforts to heal, and still we are triggering each others core wounds constantly and it feels unbearable and hopeless. Any tips you have would be greatly comforting and appreciated by us both!!

[@rlsouthworth]

@@love_kiwee Unfortunately, it didn't work out with us. After being together for three years, she broke up with me via email. My recommendation is just continue to work on yourself. Find a good therapist if you're able to - that was the best thing for me. I am happy to say that I am now secure and have a secure partner and it's amazing the difference!

[@love_kiwee]

@@rlsouthworth oh man 👀🙈 im glad to hear you made it to secure attachment. How long did it take you to get there?????? And was therapy the thing that moved the needle the most? Were you single or dating while you were healing it???

[@rlsouthworth]

@@love_kiwee I started therapy several months prior to the break up. Took a lot of courses online and if you get a chance, read the book 'Attached'... that's what changed me first, then therapy really got me through the hard times. I didn't start dating again until I felt like I was ready, and then it wasn't a rush.

[@Nicole-yx8ms]

Your honesty and vulnerability time and time again hits me and resonates SO deeply for me. I just cannot thank you enough for being who you are and doing what you do!!

[@djenning90]

I feel the same. Also the way you deliver your message with so much love and kindness always deeply touches me.

[@sunbeam9222]

Thank you. This is exactly what happened with my FA. When upset he would use really harsh words towards me. I asked him to not talk to me that way, that we need to express calmly. I can hear any of his concerns, fears, criticisms, but I am not prepared to be in a verbally abusive relationship. He left. I didn't go after him.

[@EnterprisingMinds-ch7hk]

You are the best resource for FA on YT. I am a FA and its amazing how well you know my mind/triggers/behaviors. Its incredibly helpful to better get on top of my reactions/thoughts knowing why they’re there and that I am not a lunatic! So crazy how similar FAs must be. Sometimes it’s like you know me personally and have studied my situations/brain. You’re a blessing for us FAs and give much hope!! Many blessings to you for your work!! 🙏🙏🙏

[@lizzybeedman7260]

Thank you for mentioning the anxious preoccupied person and the importance for honesty. I triggered my FA probably many times but didn't know it. I even went on a weekend roadtrip with my male friend assuring my ex we were just friends and he told me he was not really okay with it but I went anyways. He ended up getting drunk and calling me one night I was there and getting angry about me going saying it was not cool and I got really mad and told him he was being ridiculous and that he had female friends as well and there was nothing between us. I feel so bad about doing that especially now knowing about fearful avoidant and how they hold a lot in....I was also not good at regulating my emotions and that for sure triggered him. The times he would try to break up with me at first I was calm about it but as he kept trying I would freak out a little and start crying.. he hated it when I would cry because it hurt him so much to see. I would pull myself together for his sake as I could see him really struggling to deal with it. I just didn't have any of this insight when we were together.. I knew he had issues with relationships but he also showed me so many times how he could be a good partner. We had so much potential and its me so freaking sad to the point where I want to crawl in a hole and stay there for a few years and just numb out. He is the sweetest person I've ever known. I do think he wants to be better. I know he cares a lot. I don't know if he believes he can change though or is actually willing to do the work right now. He's so focused on school right now and probably doesn't have the capacity to work on it right now when school is his main focus. He said he couldn't be in the relationship while also trying to put his all in school. I know FA can tend to get hyper focused on one thing and shut everything else out.

[@aamen123]

Going on a trip with your ex 🤡🤡🤡 I would dump you on the spot

[@aamen123]

You're really not worthy of him. I hope he already dumped you hard

[@FabeardulousKnucks]

@@aamen123 She did NOT say that she went on a trip with her ex. She went on a trip with a male friend and reassured her ex(then FA boyfriend) that they were just friends. Reading comprehension is very important.

[@justcruising8333]

Thank you for your video. I have spent almost 4 months understanding why my FA suddenly ended our relationship with a "i am not the one for you" I didnt understand but after reading and listening to so many videos om attachment style i understand. I want to reach out to her but i do not know how to I think she is an amazing lady and hope she has been working on herself

[@Rob-id3zf]

I’ve watched a couple of your videos this evening. The few I watched are excellent. I did have a huge realization watching one. I think this video was really fair and balanced. Towards the end of the first half - how can you support an FA - I was starting to think this might be asking a lot of the person in the support role but then I think that was really fairly balanced by the last half. You emphasised to take care of yourself first, boundaries, change is the FA’s responsibility, never tolerate abuse etc. You were clear and firm about these. But then I thought the last section was really important - the “real real talk” and the video as a mirror asking the watcher to really examine why they want to help the FA etc. I don’t think it was confrontational at all. It’s really important. I can see it's a tricky balance advising people how to support an FA while making sure they are doing it for the right reasons and take care of themself. But I think you did a great job and handled it skillfully.

[@calebyoung9246]

I used to be FA (I'm Secure now) and my girlfriend is FA. I brought up that she is where I used to be and asked if she would do what worked for me in healing. She agreed because she saw it was hurting us both but I never said she was hurting me. Everything you talked about helped me and is helping me be supportive of her journey.

[@Bubbles-od2tv]

What worked for you in healing?

[@calebyoung9246]

@@Bubbles-od2tv Are you FA or is your partner FA?

[@Bubbles-od2tv]

@@calebyoung9246 My new partner is. I'm Secure.

[@enderl5761]

Hi Caleb, I’d also appreciate knowing what helped in your healing. I’m also secure (& ex-FA 2 decades ago) & I believe my partner is FA. Thanks in advance! 🙏🏻

[@calebyoung9246]

@@enderl5761 I had to unveil what my own wounds were and how they affect me in the relationship. Once I became aware, I was able to work on myself and to not take it personally when she pulled away. To be fine in knowing that she would come back. Then I was able to start talking in a way the really resonated with her and really trying to understand her instead of trying to get her to understand me. One of the things that I did not understand was that making "you" statements, such as "When you do ..., it makes me feel..." were taken as criticisms. Instead, I changed it to, "When this situation happens, it makes me feel... I would greatly appreciate it if you did "that" instead as it would allow for whatever (be creative here). Then realizing that when I said "I need..." or "I want..." made her feel obligated, pressured, and/or trapped. She would take it as I was telling her what to do instead of requesting her to do something which made her feel as if she was losing her autonomy. When she would share a story of something that happened, whether it was true or not, I would validate her feelings and ask more questions. When she was done, I would thank her for opening up to me and being vulnerable as it meant the world that she felt safe in coming to me. You just have to know your partner and figure out how to say things in a way that will resonate within them. That is not saying that you need to walk on eggshells. Think about how they will perceive or interpret it as it doesn't matter what you intended. You can communicate as much as you want but if you don't communicate correctly, it won't matter. Hope this helps you but I strongly recommend taking her classes (I am not a coach by any means). They are very eye opening and will help you so much more than I can through KZbin comments. Thais and her coaches are invaluable resources and guides and really saved my relationship. We are now each others best friends, biggest cheerleader, strongest support pillar and so much more and we really cannot be happier.

[@jeannined7532]

I needed to hear this today. I have FA attachment and also a "savior complex". The last few minutes of this video highlights the codependent dance and the need to feel special, safe by saving someone from themseIves. I'm really beginning to see the self-interested motivation behind this need to help. At the same time, this need to save people who don't want to be saved is a replay of an old chilhood condtioning at a time when it was a life and death issue for me. I'm learning. And, as an F.A., I'll use your suggestions to be in more loving communication with myself. Thank you!

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

You are so welcome! I happy to hear my video's resonate with you❤

[@BGlasnost]

As an FA, this has helped me to see what kind of qualities would be good to look for in my potential partner.

[@edwardguerra2193]

I appreciate your candor and “going there.” This was helpful and helps reaffirm that theses behaviors are real and it’s truly up to the person experiencing them to want to change because there really is only so much one can do and abuse one can accept before it begins to become an internalized trauma.

[@Brian.Murphy]

Yepp, you need to care for you first. Unfortunately, it also limits the level of intimacy the two of you can establish. Kinda sucks.

[@jimmybond6825]

I am so amazed. The only one who actually explained it to me...

[@AnusiaLA]

My ex lied to me so many times… white lies to major lies. He wasn’t being malicious but I felt like a detective after a while. Questioning every word that came out of his mouth. We were supposed to build a house together and I had crazy anxiety every time the subject came up. I’d make up every excuse why I didn’t want a house, why it was a bad idea. I’d argue and argue with him. Then I realized it’s because I had extreme resentment and I didn’t trust him at all. You also mentioned that the partner should always follow through when they said they’d do something. That was also a big issue. I stopped asking for things because I knew I’d have to ask and remind till I’d be very upset and start fights. That made me start fights faster because I knew that’s when the thing I asked for would get done. I know he loves me. I told him to move out weeks ago and he’s suffering tremendously. I just can’t take him back. I don’t feel safe with him. I’m so lost. I know if I take him back I will leave him again. I know I’m not going to be happy and feel safe. I can’t forgive him after he cried and begged me to stay… promised me he’d never lie again… and then he lied again. And again.

[@Brian.Murphy]

Ouch - for both of you. Hope you're in a better place now. Perhaps you could tell him you need to heal and as such NEED to be alone for awhile. I know it would be hard on his side, but it's better than not knowing why things weren't working. Maybe give him a ling to this channel as well so he can explore what you're going through.

[@AnusiaLA]

@@Brian.Murphy turns out he already had a new girlfriend and was also stalking me, checking my mailbox, checking if I was home through my thermostat (eco setting would be on if I was out of the house. I noticed he was added to my profile). He then physically assaulted his new girlfriend and was charged with burglary, assault and kidnapping. A year later he get a job at my old workplace and was talking about me to my friends, showing my pictures and telling people how he has no idea why I left him. I sold my house, bought another one in a different area, changed my number, deleted all social media. He was creating multiple accounts because I kept blocking him. He recently emailed me “to check in”. I ignored him. So it’s been fun! Literally done with dating… probably forever.

[@CameroneProductions]

I've just experienced my first attack from my FA GF. I remained calm and just listened and reflected back with love, but she has now run off anyway. So I guess we're done. I hadn't done anything that I believe warranted it and it was so upsetting because I loved her and I thought she felt the same. You're video has eased my pain a little, especially the last 2 points 🙏🕉 Edit: She eventually did come back so that will be my own challenge: To not take things personally and try not to let my abandonment wounds get triggered 🙏🕉

[@Selin14.03]

Update..?🙏🏻✨

[@CameroneProductions]

@@Selin14.03 Eh she's run off again. Maybe for good. Who knows 🙏🕉

[@Selin14.03]

@@CameroneProductions Ohh I‘m so sorry! If it’s meant to be it will be.. otherwise something even better is waiting for you🌅✨

[@CameroneProductions]

@@Selin14.03 Yeh for sure. Thankyou. It is sad but I have to say I'm kinda over the whole push-pull- run away- come back dynamic anyway. Hope all is well in your quarter 🙏🕉

[@MyShapeofmyHeart]

how many times and how long did she run off ? and did she block you when she ran

[@fairlyenjoyable]

I really needed this. Thank you. I've been patient and consistent with my partner, but I feel I could always be doing more to help ease his mind. It's been interesting trying to navigate this relationship, but not in a bad way; it's helped me become more secure, oddly enough.

[@renatalopes88]

She's the best! Thank you again Paulien! I hope you get your 1k subs soon!!

[@ArK--mh6ot]

I realized my ex partner was an FA after the way I was dumped. I was searching for answers and it made me realize I was a dismissive avoidant. Once I realized this about myself and my ex it was so eye opening. I've now become a secure attachment since then. It's been months now, so I'm not sure if my ex will ever reach out. I left the breakup peacefully regardless of how coldly I was dumped thankfully. I learned do not try to make the FA jealous or try to trigger them in any way.

[@lizzybeedman7260]

I too figured it out after from the way he broke up with me.I'm anxious attachment. Its been tough.

[@Brian.Murphy]

Yepp - best option is to maintain your composure, don't raise your voice, and leave. Then make your decision on whether you want to go through it again and again until they decide it's time for them to change. Realizing it's your decision on how to proceed is the secure path. Proud you're both healing. Secure is a much better place, I promise you!

[@Divinesparklebb]

Just found your channel, I am an F/A on a healing path and I have often been asked by my partners previous to my understanding of attachment styles, what I need in relationship, and was not able to articulate it. This was very helpful in answering those questions. 🙏🦋

[@LovingCandisRenee]

So I’m a healing FA who is dating an FA. I am doing the work… so is he just I feel at a slower pace. You are absolutely right about it being very confusing at times.

[@ciaraskeleton]

Dude same. I felt so alone until I spoke to other FAs in the exact same situation. A lot of us need another FA style person in order to feel safe. It comes with a very very very strong sense of understanding, so thankfully we don't need to keep exhausting ourselves explaining 'why'. However it still is ...very hard. In a lot of ways it's healing me, but that's really uncomfortable and scary. I know how he feels, and he feels how I feel, and I've never had that before.

[@love_kiwee]

im an FA dating an AP. do you think dating an FA would make things easier or more challenging????

[@ciaraskeleton]

@@love_kiwee I'm an FA who just got out of a long-term thing with another FA and I'm here to tell you, no. Not at all. It may heal you if you're open to it, getting to face yourself and your behaviours in another person, but it's not easier.

[@love_kiwee]

@@ciaraskeleton oh gosh 🙈 okay hahaha him and i have a hard road ahead hahaahah

[@LeStupiak193]

Very insightful. I learn a lot thanks ! Paulien !

[@cocopoulin936]

Watched the video almost twice back to back to the end , lot of info i already knew . I think my FA genuinely want to heal and become more secure but she aint putting the effort because she is also touched from either Lupus or MS which make this cocktail so much worse , not even the FA style work her body and drain her down but the diease also boost it x 10 .... I beat myself that our relationship worsen her diease and i can't help myself but loving her and want to be there supporting her specially through this diease , she need medical attention and we are financially stuck . So what i can do is learn how to not trigger her wounds as an anxious partner i learned a lot with your content , from your own experiences ♥ You are a source of hope for my relationship , IF you been able she can too . But i can't do it for her 😥

[@rajivsharma3028]

Thank you for the video. It gives me insight into my partner's personality.

[@leesamaha357]

Paulien, Thank you for this so much. I learned too late that my ex suffers with Fearful Avoidant attachment. I knew of her enmeshed relationship with her mother, eating disorder and the pressure of being perfect and a few other things. But I didn't know about the attachment style until it was too late. She deactivated from me five months ago when she was moving out of her apartment that she shared with her ex fiancé. She broke it off with him because of me. Then she broke up with me to recover from what I am sure was overwhelming shame and guilt about our cheating. This video challenged me so much: When you lead with the warning of what I CAN NOT do, it was overwhelming. And when you ended by asking me to examine my intentions to see if I want, even "a little bit," to be special by taming her, I felt like you were speaking to me. If I am being honest, I do want to be special. And there is a part of me that wanted to use this to become special for her. After watching this, I am left not knowing what to do. I still want to be special. And I am still willing to suffer pain for her. But your reality check, will help me form those boundaries. I have a question for you or maybe another person in this comment section: When a person with fearful avoidant attachment asks me to not contact her again, is that to be taken at face value or is that possibly a test? I took it literally for five months and did not write to her or call. But recently, I wrote to her to check in and let her know I was still here and that I trusted her. I wrote because I thought that it had been long enough to honor her boundary, and I did not want her to think that I abandoned her. But I got no response and I am afraid that I lost her forever. Do you have any experience with this? What would you mean if you told someone that you knew for 22 years not to contact you again? Would you mean it? Would the fact that you loved him more than anything affect your request to not be contacted again? Thank you again. This video was very emotional for me to watch.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Happy to have you here❤

[@Brian.Murphy]

Hmm, not exactly the response I'd hope to hear from the "real" Paulien! So let me take a shot. First off, I'm not an FA, so you're not getting that perspective from me. I know this will be tough to hear, but I've been through it more than once in various forms and different outcomes. Your best approach is to consider it over and process the fact that you may never get closure. You may never see them again, you may never hear from them again - and you have to come to peace with that. How? For me, I looked inward. Step 1: Did I do the best I could? Yes. Did I love them the best I could? Yes. Did I honor their boundaries? Yes (and I think you did too btw). Step 2: Forgive her - acknowledge that they tried their best, but certainly didn't have the tools to work through the complexities of cheating with you and leaving another. What a terrible mess for her. I'd be surprised if she was able to process through all of this in a year or two. By forgiving her (and any others in the situation) you take on FULL responsibility for your feelings. Step 3: Forgive yourself. There's a lot to resolve on your end and you need to process it. Are you a cheater? Is that the character you're comfortable with? Tons of stuff that you need to work through to get to a place where you've set the course forward for yourself. TBH this is as much about you, as her. Only when you've set the course for who you want to become can you forgive yourself of the pain/suffering you've caused others in the past. This is a deep life-changing time for you - address it accordingly. Put in the work. Feel the guilt, own it. Feel the sorrow, own it. Fell the pain of hurting both her and her fiance; own it. When you come out the other side, you won't need closure from her - you'll have healed on your own and be set in a better direction. Don't reach out again - you've said your peace. Anything further is just needy on your end. Sorry for the downer, but that's how I see it.

[@kilausenja8954]

Thank you very much for sharing these Pauline... I am myself a fa too. Literally many of your videos (cause i haven't watched it all yet) are so helpful to me. Thanks for your kindness Pauline 🌹

[@johncorey2472]

My ex wife was an FA. I was a DA. Your channel has helped me understand what happenned and why it fell apart. I understand that she needed to look inward to heal. But i wasnt aware enough to understand what was going on. She was always testing me, picking fights, and ahe despised me at the end. Even though I loved her so much, the last thing ahe ever said to me she screamed at me out of pure pain and resentment. Erica if youre out there i miss you, and I still love you. Please go get the help and the therapy that you need. You are a beautiful person, but the reactive abuse and emotional abuse that you perpetrated towards me was wrong. I forgive you. I just cannot contact her ever again for my own sake.

[@wunnybloopz]

Not only your video helps those who are like you but it also helps me a lot to understand someone whom I really care about :) Thanks so much

[@Joshuacliftojm]

The honesty issue was particularly interesting to me, though I think of it in terms of "false hope". It seems from your videos that I am a fearful avoidant, and throughout my adulthood I have had a deep bitterness against my parents and against their god because, from my perspective, they repeatedly set up false hope during my childhood. They did this by saying they would do things, or that if I was patient the good thing would come (or god would do it), or merely making encouraging statements or predictions, and then those things did not happen. This was so consistent that I now completely reject and distrust hope because I believe it is a manipulation tactic, or at best a blind assumption (when it concerns a future event or outcome). It is used by foolish but well-meaning people (or by one's self) to make a person feel good or encouraged in the present, or get them to do a desired thing, without regard for its truth or long-term effect, and it appears to me that it is the nature of my parents' abusive god to set up hope with the express purpose of crushing it. Because a hope repeatedly crushed is worse than having had no hope. In the end it destroys all possibility of hope or faith, and results in despair and desolation. Life in this state is terrible. It is how I have lived for many years. I want to learn what true hope and faith are, because I think what most people, particularly my parents, believe them to be are in reality presumption and a form of psychosis. (Note that by "god" (lowercase) I mean a mental and emotional construct that consists of a pattern of behaviors, defining concepts, and feelings. There may well be an actual God, and I hope there is, but all any of us can know in this life, I think, is a mental and emotional picture that we hope resembles God. I have rejected the one I was taught.)

[@Brian.Murphy]

@joshuacliftojm - I expect you'll come to the belief I have. You are Hope. Act accordingly (and pro-actively) my friend. The way to get there is through setting the past aside, recognizing that all people are flawed, and deciding to take the reigns that were previously assigned to your parent's god.

[@elbj132]

I think I might have dismissive attachment style, I just always keep everyone at a distance and it’s hard.. I couldn’t be anything but “perfect” growing up, so being emotionally vulnerable now literally makes my voice shake, I have tried my hardest lately to communicate directly and it helps, but it is so hard, I hope with time it gets easier, I just struggle to not isolate myself and deal with things on my own because that’s what I’ve always done, but I try to be honest and authentic, to strenghten my relationships with others. This video is very useful to help myself too, thank you so much❤️

[@baberkhan7366]

Now consider this. Your 100 %.. all that effort you put in.. while it means you really are such a brave and sincere person... translate to less than 20% to your partner's needs. Because of your attachment style, no matter what you do, you can never even meet 50% of your partners needs as a human being.

[@ba1354]

This channel is literally everything 🥰

[@enderl5761]

Dankjewel Paulien! This is such an important topic but I don’t see any other info supporting FA partners except crumbs across multiple videos. Thank you & hope to see more. Btw it helps to link other such videos as YT search doesn’t work well

[@NabnarberSmith]

I just want to tell her I love her, I know she’s battling but I’ll stick by her and that I don’t want to take her independence. I don’t want her to feel a lack of control. I just want to share my life with her and help her reach her goals. I just can’t do that for fear of her being triggered and running away.

[@lizzybeedman7260]

exactly. Ive been out of contact with my ex for months afraid to reach out because it might trigger him and that he would never talk to me again.

[@Brian.Murphy]

Always let them come back to you; or not. At best, if you chase you'll be in the loop again and she will leave again...without healing it's all she knows. Best wishes regardless.

[@jaminb81]

Thank you!!!!!!

[@tedwhiting6192]

What if you stay in the relationship because she’s shown you that she can be the most amazing person you know in the beginning of the relationship? I just want that girl back in my life. I love her so much but it’s going to possibly cost me my sanity.

[@nicholasbrassard3512]

I understand you my man. Mine is also an amazing person, but also infinitely more complex than I could have imagine with a loose relationship to honesty/transparency. The rabbit hole goes ever deeper and leaves me wondering

[@viperb4148]

As an FA with deep trauma wounds please don't give up on her. We are complicated yes because we think that we know what we want but we really don't. I would say however, live your life. Do things that you want to do and have boundries. I just got back with an ex after being separated for over a year, and we weren't even that serious in the beginning but what made me decide to give him another chance was that I was drawn to how independent he was but at the same time willing to please me/give me whatever I like without crossing his boundries. I also want to say as something not to do. I dated a guy in between the time of my ex and he was PERFECT in every way with the exception that I feel like he is dishonest and not dishonest as in lie but dishonest as it withhold information. There is an acquaintance of mine that I don't trust much and I asked him to please don't interact with that person and he did and then proceeded to not tell me about it. It may seem small in the scope of things because he is really such a great guy but my mind cannot stop thinking about how much he can betray me in the future if he can betray me so minor now and I cannot subject myself to any of that future pain

[@Bubbles-od2tv]

@@nicholasbrassard3512 Loose relationship to honesty i think implies narcissism, which is incurable.

[@mersackattack]

VIDEO REQUEST!!!! So I can recognize my partner has a FA style. I have an anxious attachment style that I am learning to become secure. My question is how do we bring this topic up to our partners without triggering them and making it sound like they aren't good enough? With THAT being one of thier core beliefs. I want my partner to WANT to change but what if they've never even heard about these attachment styles and they feel they are stuck and they can't change ?

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Only focus on what they are already doing right, and compliment them on it! If they ever give you reassurance, let them know you love it when they do that, and that it makes you feel safe. Find out what you need, and see what your partner already does (even if it is in the slightest) and appreciate that, without telling them it needs to be more. They usually will automatically want to do more of what you appreciate them for! (This is not absolute advice, this is just what i've seen can help!)

[@Bitmodo]

Thanks for the map! ❤ my FA

[@MrScythe88]

Not sure if it's related but I've found if people ask me certain questions when I'm triggered, it helps me to realize what I'm doing in that moment. They'll ASK me if I am angry right now, instead of telling me. I do feel like I constantly need to remind myself that people aren't my enemy too

[@stephanrocksyou]

It all makes sense now. I guess my girlfriend was a FA. Our whole relationship made no sense. She said I was the most heathy relationship ever, but nothing was good enough. After being rejected 10+ times, I could not take it anymore. Of course I ended things and she always came back only to discard again. Usually took 2-3 weeks. The sad thing is she dies no work on herself. Of course it’s over, but she calls me to tell me how her new boyfriend shuts her down and I would never do those things. SMH

[@modernmanno9943]

Excellent video! Thanks for your attention to this attachment style. :)

[@arjanblad416]

Bless you !

[@emmabates2284]

Where is the line between requiring respect for boundaries and demanding change?

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Please feel whatever fits you and you relationship, but I would say there is no demanding change. There is just putting up boundaries. And if another person, whoever it is, consistently and frequently keeps crossing those boundaries, this is an unhealthy situation and it is your responsibility to make your own choice and possibly leave. All you can do is put up boundaries, be very clear on how you want to be treated, and then the other person has to make the choice whether they are going to do that. There is no demanding. You are no master over the other person. I hope this is clear. I do completely understand where your question is coming from!

[@Brian.Murphy]

Radical acceptance with boundaries that are enforced is the best approach. Your boundaries will be different than mine, based on how able you are to detach and those boundaries will probably need to change over time.

[@ChristianCederhag]

Me and my gf both are FA, even though I believe she has a longer road to healing than me. What you say about honesty in this video really hit home for me. She has had a hard time to be honest, telling the truth and bending the reality to what she think I want to hear, which really have hurt my ability to trust. So, how does one go about doing this in a FA + FA relationship? I get really triggered by her dishonesty and withholding things, but I should give her 100 % honesty in return. That is REALLY hard to do. I feel as it might be to much for two FA´s being in a relationship. Or what is your take?

[@urska2661]

I had he same probelm with my ex... So i understand what you are talking about. He was dishonest, i couldn't trust him, he was hurt because of that, and the cycle went on... We split up but sometimes i wonder if i knew all of this if it wold be any different. Wish you luck and maybe someone else will have some more useful insights.

[@hansihansen8318]

Respekt....thx for the best possible advice for me.🤗

[@weskuhn2521]

I’m DA and my wife FA. I’m trying to overcome my DA and at the same time my wife’s inability to emotionally regulate often makes me feel justified in my natural tendency towards DA. I feel so defeated.

[@ninagrant440]

Have you found any strategies that work? I've been struggling with this question lately. I've realized my boyfriend is FA and I'm DA. On the one hand I think my ability to be cool and collected could be a great tool for his healing, but I don't know if that will contradict the healing I need to do as well.

[@rrenalee]

thank you! 🙏🏼

[@pauldebono9587]

Thank you so much You’ve helped me in so many ways

[@katoru6625]

im going through this with a friend. i think shes fearful avoidant. i try to create this space where she feels comfortable expressing her emotions to me but she never or rarely does. she acts out with me sometimes and then tries to brush it off. i have to point out specific behaviors to get her to talk about it. she says she feels im going to leave her when i have no intentions of doing so but right now im in this cycle of her getting upset at me, giving me the silent treatment and then trying to act as if nothing happened. i want her to feel heard but its like shes got this barrier set up and im not sure what else i can do. i dont want to give up on her because she has tried and she’s made so many improvements but its taking up a lot of my energy and as much as i may love her i recognize i cant fix her. i still want to know what else i can do. any tips?

[@Montex82]

You are so sweet Paulien. Thank you for your videos 😌

[@Growwithgrace101]

My FA ex broke up with me after getting very vunerable.. I believe he tested me prior to breakup and finally deactivated. I acknowledged his pain and gave him the breakup. He looked confused. I messaged him with a boundary afterwards in case he had second thoughts about his descion but there was no way I could cross his boundary as his breakup excuse was pretty undoable,l even though it was a peojection. I tried to support him for almost 3 years and was discarded at the first real life hurdle. It has been 11 months NC and he never tried. I did ask if he was open to talk at 2 months after an emergency that probably triggered at lot of shame for him.. he said no

[@Brian.Murphy]

You're done, but stronger for the experience my friend.

[@aricamccarthy1421]

Hi I know you may not see this, but my ex and I just broke up, and I’ve realized since he is 100% a fearful avoidant. I am primarily secure. I’ve done no contact for a month now to give him space, as he is in a very stressful time in his life and I fully believe the breakup was a fear response, as it was very out of the blue. I wonder if there is a best approach for me to start showing my support in him while still broken up, as I believe he does still love me deeply. I don’t want to re-trigger his deep fears however and have him push me away more. Thank you!

[@Brian.Murphy]

Let him come back in his own time; if at all. Tough pill to swallow, but this will be a cycle - on/off until he decides to address it. Is this cycling something you're prepared to live with for the rest of your life?

[@Thywishingwell]

thank you I'll give it a try if I see him again I hope I do I see his beauty deep within wanting to shine for me

[@edimathews8462]

My husband has been unattracted to me since we've gotten married, 1 year now. It's one of the hardest thing I've ever been through. We are going to therapy now. How long did it take you before you started seeing your husband as more attractive or being more attracted to him? I'm more lonely now than I was before we got married. He does love me and care about me but the lack of intimacy and no romantic feelings devastating to me.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It did take me quite some time, and it was a gradual increase. Is he working on this himself too? I he dedicated to his healing?

[@jaidaadiaj]

You are ridiculously beautiful. I had to rewind a couple times cuz I'm just watching you talk and not listening lolll 🤣😅 - I'm straight I swear

[@ACT4UCF]

Whats the deal with the word the "one". My FA likes that word too. Its weird how a lot of FAs use that word. Ive never described the person im looking for as the one.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Wrote this down as a topic for a future video!

[@sarahlynnbaxter2225]

How about when both partners are the same attachment style 🤔 what if one has a sarcastic streak and then when you dish it back they don't like it??

[@rosestewart1606]

we each have our own triggers. and we each get to set boundaries. If you can get in sync, it can be a beautiful relationship. we're trying to work out our differences....I don't know if he knows anything about attachment styles but we are both definitely FA. our short time apart made me realize that I'm his kryptonite but I'm also the most determined right now

[@hotsriracha_]

As the partner - Still caring, want to support, and possibly reconcile; how would I reach out after a few months ?

[@MsSimpleMovies]

If you don't have kids, just walk away. It's a minefield. Wish them well from afar. You can't win, you'll be accused of being controlling, when it's all in their head. I'd sincerely advise you to look into why you would want this person who keeps pushing you away. This is who they are.

[@sunbeam9222]

I agree. I was either accused to be controlling, manipulative or the opposite, too independent, not caring about them. All in all there was always something wrong with me lol. If they're not genuinely willing to change their pattern don't bother

[@DrexelGregory]

How can I build a stable relationship with an FA without them freaking out that we’re getting too close?

[@paulientimmer3913]

I think you can't. It is them having to do the work! So you are not the one that can build a stable relationship.

[@MsSimpleMovies]

@@paulientimmer3913 Exactly. The power is all in their hands. No, thank you.

[@sunbeam9222]

You can't. All you can do is brace yourself and accept the rollercoaster ride until hopefully they heal.

[@LeStupiak193]

How can i help my ex to acknowledge and embrace he has traits of FA without triggering him ?

[@tedwhiting6192]

I have to ask. I am totally and completely in love with an amazing woman who I think may possibly have this problem. It makes me want to cry thinking about how I may never receive her love in the way in which I give it. How I wonder why God would bring into my life someone whom I would fall so deeply in love with her and I would receive no love in return. Well not no love in return but I need to accept love in a way which is hard to see.

[@Jeneepharr0]

🥺

[@artisticagi]

Help her become aware of this attachment style she might have and leave it to her to want to overcome it or not….eventually the relationship will either fall apart naturally or she will heal and it becomes stronger 💪 ❤️💕💜✨

[@Brian.Murphy]

@tedwhiting6192 - I think the longer you live the more likely you are to find that happiness in life comes from GIVING Love, not how much you receive back. Yeah, I know it's not intuitive, but think about it. When are you actually happier? And, that's why God brought this person into your life. Appreciate the love you're given, but don't require it to be fulfilled. Become fulfilled by the love you give.

[@StefanSchindewolf]

If I had known this before...

[@moulee7448]

😢😢😢😢😢😢😢 i feel you

[@riittakorpipaa4714]

What if it is too hard for the partner to be supportive?

[@FabeardulousKnucks]

God, I wish I’d of seen this video a few months ago. I’ve got anxious preoccupied attachment and my ex is disorganized(FA) attached. The ONLY things that ever triggered either of us was something the other did due to their attachment. Outside of that, we were a match made in heaven. We’re both getting professional help and have been throughout the relationship but weren’t overly familiar with how to navigate each other’s attachment in a relationship setting. She’s gone now and I miss her so badly. She just started a particular therapy today specifically targeting her attachment style and I wish her the best. It would be amazing to be able to rekindle our relationship once we’ve both healed some, but I can’t hold out hope for that.

[@love_kiwee]

oh my gosh... i am an FA and my partner is AP!!!! We love each other deeply and make huge efforts to heal, and still we are triggering each others core wounds constantly and it feels unbearable and hopeless. We want our relationship to make it!!! You werent able to make it work due to your attachment styles??? Any insights would be extremely appreciated!!

[@Brian.Murphy]

@@love_kiwee Work on you. The fact that you acknowledge where you are and WANT to work on it is a great first step.

[@love_kiwee]

@@Brian.Murphy thank you for your encouragement ☺️ since commenting 3 months ago I have taken my healing journey infinitely more serious and have created a 6month plan of intention and healing frameworks. I am ready to take massive action on my life and my happiness!!! No more "one day ill be happy"..... I am taking ownership action TODAY!! 🤗 Sept 2 is the first day of my plan... So literally, im taking action TODAY hahahahaahaha

[@rvined_lol8603]

Honestly as an FA comments hear are pretty sad to read. Makes us feel like outcasts. I know we're not perfect. But we are not monsters.

[@nicholelejeune3503]

I feel you, but I also feel for the ppl in relations with FAs. I’m an FA and I have a lot of good qualities but after a few years when I’m in healthy, committed relationships i jump ship usually due to fear. Unintentionally, I’ve put my partners through Hell and only have now discovered my unhealthy patterns due to my childhood trauma. This work is HARD and I think other FAs will def sympathize with you like I do. I think those of us who are willing to do the work and change are not monsters-not intentionally, but we can inflict a lot of damage in our relationships due to unhealed trauma if we don’t put in the work ❤️‍🩹.

[@TimeWaveOfficial]

point 13:40 is realy important...was 10 years in rl with a FA ex gf and her family said how i handled her in the first 4 years was very calm, but then because of work stress i got into that feeling chaos, i lied with my doctor calls i forgot because i had fear of her reaction (because she already threw a whole melone at me & screamed me personally hurting words, i never cheated or thought about that, but because of my joining her chaos she left me with: " i have no feelings anymore" (days before we wrote we love ourself, but she already wrote her rebound monkeybranching match).... so be emotional stable, confident, dont blame her blame her childhood... she left, but with your video i get into this theme (im personally think im also fearful avoidant because at the end i did all for her to stay but im more avoidant, she is anxious...so she dont come back but i heal)

[@SD-rm5ty]

The hypervigillence is so real 😢

[@donaldfrench3696]

First they have to acknowledge they have an issue.

[@LastRebel1978]

If this doesn’t make you crazy, I dont know what does. Emotions what are those? 25yrs of my life mostly wasted with this childish bs. They can do whatever they want and it’s supposed to be fine and you can die on a cross for them and still be the problem. Perfect just what I was thinking of being and doing with my life. Accountability from anyone this day and age, ha don’t think so.

[@Sketch1994]

I can be honest 100% of the time but what percentage of honesty can I expect back from a fearful avoidant that is still in denial and blaming others and has bent the truth 100 ways and claims some therapist told them "we all lie", practically normalizing it?

[@Brian.Murphy]

0% - can you live with that? If not, time to move on. Sorry for the pain.

[@tornadomilan]

It was a three years relationship, Two of them we were engaged. She is a fearful avoidant, I was an anxious. During all those years till the last day we were together we loved each other so much, We made each other feel so good all the time. She was treating me with all respect and kindness. And before we met she had suicidal thoughts, But when she knew me, According to her, All those thoughts fade away cause i was kind on her and i loved her alot. So we could say that we both made our lifes much much better. In the last couple months i was busy and depressed by setting up our home and all the costs, so she told me that she got fed up from me cause i wasnt speak to her much and didnt visit her for 4 months. And asked me to breakup, I said fine, Her brother called me and told me that he and thier family dont want this to end, Then me and him talked about what happened and i told him that she needs to see a psychiatrist. Next day she called me and said that she dont want to breakup and she wants to be a good person for me and wants to not push me away with her behaviors. Then at the same day she called me and told me that she just knew about what i told to her brother and she doesnt want to know me anymore, She also said that i took her for granted and that i never loved her, I loved her more than anyone and treated her with love and caring, All her family and close friends were angry at her because she broke up with me as they saw how good i treat her. Next week her father contacted me to take my stuff, I took it and all things ended. I didnt contact her for a month. Then i sent her a message to blame her about some bad stuff that she said about me to my mom and on social media during that month. Then i didnt contact her again for two months. She kept blocking me on everything and always saying some bad stuff about me on social media that my family saw again and told me, I think that because of how much she loved me and because how hard it was on her to breakup with me. She thought that i failed her. During the relationship, we loved each other more than anyone ever loved anyone, We healed each other from some of our wounds, during those three years we were best couple ever and we were so relaxed to each other. After two months of no contact, I made changes on my behavior and i think that i changed from anxious to a more secure person. I think now i turned into a better version of me. And i knew about my faults during the relationship. I think that now i can handle all that stuff with calmness. Is there something i can do to reattract her? or should i just move on?

[@viperb4148]

I think you should just move on. As an FA myself with trauma what you did broke the trust that she had for you and it's often really hard to reconcile that in over brains that you've changed. No matter how much you've changed you'll always be the person that did those things and said those things

[@manixburn6403]

I'm done, don't want to put anyone through this as myself. Our culture are done, we're on our way to hell, literally.

[@robabicicletas]

My FA cheated on me. What's up with that? :( I didn't cheat but I think he was terrified of me doing it to him, because of past relationships. I did tell a white lie as I was ashamed. I thought he woulnd't understand he had triggered me.

[@DrexelGregory]

How does an FA feel when they think a former partner forgot them? Do they get obsessively sad about it? Please tell us more about activating an FA, how it happens, what they’re thinking. What’s in a FA’s mind during no contact?

[@paulientimmer3913]

I won't go into this, because it doesn't matter. First of all, every FA is different and I wouldnt be able to speak for all of them. Second of all, you should be making your decisions based on the actions they have shown you. Not on what they think. I am reading between the lines here and absolutely assuming, but most of the time these questions get asked when you want to know what you can do to win them back. You will say things or do things that you hope will get them back. This is actually not the most authentic thing to do, and can actually be manipulative. You make your decisions for you. Don't try to change or get validation from an FA. It is not fair to them (because wanting to get validation from them has nothing to do with them, but with you wanting to feel better about all of this. So in a way, it is selfish) nor to you. I am not saying these things to be mean or rude in any way, but I also don't want to sugarcoat it.

[@bernardberrier53]

Can I be honest and help her understand that she has a fearful avoidant-disorganized attachment style?

[@Brian.Murphy]

If she recognizes that something is wrong with her (doubtful) you could suggest looking at attachment styles generally I suspect - but don't go any further than that. It'll likely be taken poorly. She needs to do the work.

[@umutkara739]

Unconditional love is a myth. If there is unconditional love you can't say "don't be in an abusive relationship", this is a condition. You may be aware or not but you have lots of conditions. And the question do you want to help them for them or for yourself is an inapproiate question. Because at last phase everything we do, every sacrifice we do, every help we give is for ourself. And still they are worthy. In realtionship there must be a giving getting balance. Only the God can give without getting (if there's a god).

[@MrMalum]

Unconditional love to yourself. It's like a barrier that can't be penetrated by outsiders. The closest you can come up with is "aura". Everyone that comes in vicinity feels secure. You don't need to sacrifice anything.

[@baberkhan7366]

FA's & DA's are very often just pure pain for their partners (whether secure or anxious)

[@johnton6488]

How to be a supportive partner for a fearful avoidant? You dont.

[@jakebroido6281]

LOL all you gotta do is be consistent and dependable while they treat you with massive inconsistency. Got it lol. What a joke

[@Brian.Murphy]

Yepp, that's the deal. But then again, no one's forcing you to take this ride.

[@octaviusmigtonius2965]

As a preoccupied anxious, if you make a promise to me that you can't actually follow through on, that would backfire massively with me, and most likely end the relationship.

[@octaviusmigtonius2965]

Yeah, so many people with BPD say they can't be WITH someone who ALSO has BPD.

[@LeStupiak193]

How can i help my ex to acknowledge and embrace he has traits of FA without triggering him ?