Fearful Avoidant Breakup: My Journey Leaving A Securely Attached Partner | HealingFa.com

[@little_miss_muffet]

Speaking as the secure ex-partner of a FA (who I’m certain is unaware he is FA) - it’s completely heartbreaking to be broken up with and not given a valid reason. To know now what he was battling with internally and that he threw everything away needlessly… there is no worse feeling 💔

[@lizzzarduh]

So true

[@hmanfilms]

I’m with you. 3.5 months of a beautiful, deep, intimate and soulful connection. Thrown away over seemingly nothing. Unaware of their own triggers, baggge, programming and deactivation and it’s so painful to sit on the sidelines and watch them continuously lose battles with themselves. It’s so devastating.

[@ScottH7651]

@@hmanfilms same exact thing happened with me. 3 amazing months and then almost overnight, a switch flipped inside her and she runs away out of fear. Her reason was a discussion we had that SHE started a month before the breakup. We were both unfiltered and never had any follow up discussion (like hey- those things we talked about, did you mean xyz?). Nope, she said she was feeling overwhelmed and wasn't ready for a relationship. It took 3 months to determine that? Maddening and crazy and here I am several months later still trying to get her out of my head. I have no doubt, she's with some new guy going through the same cycle.

[@Daisylovemj]

I relate to this so much. My FA ex tried really hard but ultimately couldn’t overcome his internal confusion. He constantly evaluated his feelings for me and thought they weren't strong enough. He'd break up with me and later come back. But his doubts never went away. In the end we were both emotionally drained and he told me he lost all feelings. It's sad but I know I couldn’t have done anything differently to change the outcome.

[@Bonzmae]

I feel you 😢

[@neko_neko9]

A very soft voice telling you to stay, yeah that's exactly what stopped me from getting divorced.

[@G_R_C]

I just got broken up with by an FA and I consider myself to be secure. But this relationship absolutely drove me insane, it was so hot and cold and I couldn’t understand how someone who seemed to have their life so together could be so on and off in the relationship. But learning about the FA attachment style it has helped clear so much up for me. I don’t think it’s going to work out for us, but just knowing that it’s not her personally trying to hurt me, but her acting from a place of confusion and maybe even pain makes me feel much less attacked. And now I feel like I can just forgive her and pray for her to find peace and happiness in herself and hopefully even with someone one day. I can’t totally understand what an FA is going through, but getting a idea of it, it sounds miserable, I hate when I’m not sure of something and the bigger or more important that thing is the more miserable and hurt I become. So I can’t imagine how awful it is to feel so confused and unsure of something as important as love.

[@struggle9394]

Believe me its very painful

[@jellyrcw12]

Thanks for trying to understand your former partner. I've been focused on my healing a lot and not being so hot and cold. I catch myself a lot more now. Good luck with everything else.

[@Flufero23]

I know the feeling.

[@phyllisassan1827]

I just did this and am so sad. I wish I understood better this was the place I was coming from. I felt so validated in my perspective on how things were going. I’m so frustrated and hope I can heal.

[@lilywolff432]

Oh my god...the trigger of people saying "if they were really not the one you wouldn't feel this way" nothing worse. It makes you feel so alone. Also the constant nausea that I realized now is a "slow release" panic attack as incall it I'm still navigating this but your channel is really helping

[@irenenjeri8720]

I emphathise with FA , the fear just stresses them out so much that they spoil something good going on....sometimes you just step back to see how its going to turn out and you just realise they are not that bad but are so full of fear.

[@AntonBogdanov1977]

Thank you! You are a saviour with your videos. Most of your stories resonate with me, very similar! I broke up with my GF, now wife, feeling exactly the same!

[@Briluvscheese]

Could you elaborate more on your story? I would love to hear it!

[@nessyv.3802]

As a fearful avoidant this was always the issue. I ran away from a secure partner, and once his patience ran out he was gone.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

It can indeed be very complicated ❤

[@kneecoaldotcom]

I am the same. I did lose a very good partner a long time ago being unaware of how much I am an FA.

[@nessyv.3802]

@kneecoaldotcom yes this is deep rooted issue. But don't blame yourself, it's best you knew at the time. Your subconscious is always looking to run away when someone gets too close, we not sure about the person, then we ruin it and regret. It's a cycle

[@kneecoaldotcom]

@@nessyv.3802Thanks, this speaks to me so much I'm still trying to get through the regret though! It hard to move past it.

[@wearehuman5567]

4 days too late…damn. Definitely going to take time to heal so I don’t repeat this again. Thank you so much for these videos ❤ there’s hope

[@Joshua-rp2nq]

Got broken up with 3 weeks ago with an unaware FA. But she noticed that something is really wrong so she wants to do therapy now. I really hope she gives us another chance.

[@humanity1.095]

How’d it go?

[@Erin-ho8qu]

Legit would not be with my BF now if it wasn't for finding this channel when googling 'the ick" lol

[@zoeysealey3045]

This explains my partner who recently broke up with me, thank you for making this

[@ninjamonkey508]

I hope this video gets to her one day. I'm pretty sure this is what was going on with my ex cause and I'm convinced she's a FA. She broke up with me and admitted that she has problems but no way to explain them, that's what brought to these videos. It's an answer as to what happened but now it's up to her to make her way back if she still wants everything I was giving her. Because we were happy.... So I can forgive if she can figure this out

[@glaukepannevis5871]

Instead of feeling numbed, I feel so much stomac ache. The whole day long. And going in to freeze.. Pauline. Do you hear that too of your clients? I am afraid that there is no other solution then to break-up 😭

[@nellautumngirl]

I think you are very brave for speaking about your experiences this honestly. I'm anxiously attached and sometimes it's hard for me to see my flaws and mistakes. It's death of the ego, which is always scary at first. My partner is FA and sometimes I notice he finds a reason to criticise me or get angry at me. I can tell it's from his wounding, so I try to not take it personally. He is a sweetheart otherwise and sometimes he has these mood swings for just a few minutes. Sometimes he also gets sick (throwing up, exactly!) when he gets uncomfortable, but it rarely happens nowadays :)

[@nannuky1128]

tfw you're feeling nauseous and panicked and repulsed at the very thought of being close or intimate with another person, and you're single 💀

[@matejhrubes8804]

Well described. Apart from panic where I realised I suddenly feel nothing, that would go away in days or weeks, doubts it generated, testing and constant drama... She's better off without me.

[@thomaspan6514]

From the other side, what can I do when my FA does something to sobtage the relationship? Respect their wishes and wait for them? My FA still strugles to communicate feelings/boundorires. They can communicate non-emotional needs now though they call it "communicating in my way".

[@lmayk]

Your videos are great. Thank you. I do wonder, being in this situation right now, whether it’s easier to heal while single. Trying to heal my attachment style while in a relationship feels like trying to heal a broken leg while walking on it every day.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

It can definitely feel that way! When you are triggered constantly, it might be hard to heal, like trying to learn how to sail in a storm. Being single you might have more time and space to heal, but then, when you enter a relationship again, you will get triggered again. So the question is whether you can create time and space for yourself within the relationship to heal. Hope this helps.

[@angelaradha]

That's funny! Because I am single and doing Paulien's online program and I often think that maybe I would be healing faster if I were in a relationship because then I could test out my progress, and work through any triggers. I do feel like I am making headway, but I think probably the grass looks greener from each vantage point.

[@vorbis4860]

@@angelaradha Thais Gibson said on her channel (Personal Development School) that each approach has benefits and drawbacks, and she doesn't think either is really "better" than the other. But also I suspect many FAs who are IN relationships will use the "I have to break up to heal" approach as an excuse to break up and hope to feel the "relief" of satisfying that urge.

[@bennyton2560]

What I learned the most helpful difference is: Intuition whispers. Anxiety shouts. now, your intuition may be faint, but the good thing is it can be cultivated 🙂 you just have to learn to trust

[@fatatabata]

The problem is that you never brole up with him, and he has always been there for you. You have never had to deal with a breakup with him. That's an easy task

[@DairyAirDerriere]

I knew something was off with my emotions. When the flipped, i would pick the very next thing i could use as a reason. If they tried to make it work, i would go nuclear and throw every insecurity they shared with me, because i didnt want them to miss me. I also felt they didnt deserve my chaos, i wanted them to have the best and i was not it.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you for sharing your story!! Its relatable❤

[@violetskye2368]

I agree with everythingggg in this video. The only issue i hold onto is that my partner HAS made mistakes in our relationship, mainly in the beginning of the relationship and i reallly struggle to forgive. It makes it way harder to deal with all this avoidant issue :(

[@Louceee]

Are you together?

[@BGlasnost]

This is like exactly what I'm going through. I'm an FA and I just broke up with my gf of 2 years. I thought of breaking up every single day for a year and now I'm miserable and confused, I don't know if I did the right thing or not. How do I recognize if I broke up with someone because they weren't right for me or because I'm afraid? I can't even tell if this pain I'm feeling is because I made a mistake or just because I'm trapped in a cycle.

[@SoulGlowHealing]

Thanks for sharing your insights. I'm a fearful avoidant and I can relate with your story so much. Looking forward to watching more of your videos

[@Fluxiton]

So much of this is true from past relationships I invested so much to get dropped not because the relationship was bad just simply because as soon as we left the honey moon period she wasn't sure. The getting upset at me for not pushing her boundaries was another common one I didn't understand. I used to really try to understand my partner but I think you gotta just treat FA as a red flag, so much of how they act will rot your brain if you try to understand it from outside the FA and they are too afraid to do introspection.

[@Mr.Yang823]

I lost my girl and broke it off and after 3 weeks I reached out and she had met someone. I really didn't want her out of my life and it's like it wasn't me that broke it off. We were together over Year but I always kept her at arm's length even though I loved her. A month after our breakup she's in a new relationship and changed her profile picture too them. I wanted her to fight for me and it backfired and I'm crushed.. I'm so tired of being this way!!!!!!!!!

[@azumarie7]

oh man, that sucks, i'm really sorry that happened! everyone deals with this in their own way, while i don't think it's healthy to jump into another relationship straight away in either case, it's her choice

[@JennHeartsYou92]

This sounds like my ex who broke up with me this week. I’m grieving, I’m sad. I also didn’t “fight” it and accepted their reasons. I don’t agree but I can understand. They had also shared prior about not looking forward to seeing me which was painful to hear, since I was always excited to see them. I honored their no contact. I’m okay, I’m also going through my feelings of grief.

[@lmfisher650]

I just got dumped by my FA partner right on the 6 months mark. He told me he couldn't give me what i wanted and deserved (marriage), that he lost feelings for me and wanted to remain single. Typical FA lines. I never even mentioned marriage recently, this is the second time he pulled away because it was in his mind. He told me he was anxious about breaking up with me. He said he did love me but his feelings changed. I could feel him deactivate. I'm the second he ever loved. He has turned cold. It's been 19 days. I hope he comes back. I'm in no contact. What are the chances of him returning?

[@MayfieldNgondonga]

How did you find your way back to your secure partner? I know I made a big mistake.

[@lifeisbeautiful7047]

Butterflies are infatuation, they aren't found in healthy relationships that often sound boring

[@ZoeMcintyre-d6q]

Honestly it sounds like OCD. I suffer with it and really struggled until I finally realised what it was. That urge to do something, the intrusive thoughts etc... look into it

[@jellyrcw12]

Thank you for sharing. I relate to your videos a lot

[@DorMeles]

Sounds like what happened with me. I didn’t fight, but she rebounded and I was devastated. When i tried to tell her that I enjoyed time with her, she accused me of manipulating her

[@rockygirl2410]

Thank you for making this video. I couldn’t understand at first why my partner will keep on having doubtful of breaking up or not and seems confuse.

[@lifeisbeautiful7047]

I do it often in freindships since a young age, I disappear to see who looks for me

[@carl5764]

Oh my, thank you again❤

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

❤

[@ummjunayd1511]

I relate so much to wanting to be fought for.

[@yellowrose0844]

When you healed your attachment style, did your excessive doubts go away?

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Absolutely! The doubts were a protection mechanism, and when that wasn't needed anymore, the doubts went away and never came back. I don't think I would have ever believed it, but I haven't had one doubt-thought in the past 8 years. I know for sure my husband if the right one for me, even when things are not perfect. So you can absolutely get there. I do have to say that my fears hopped to other subjects for a while. Like health or friendships, but it was waaay less than the excessive doubts about my relationship ever were. As soon as I realized what was going on and actively started healing it, it became much less very fast. Hope this helps!

[@DZ-jz8bj]

ITs sad how avoidat get to go into relationship even with secure partner, while there is a LOT people who are much healthier and just cant find anyone. But these sick ones get the good one... and then good people get the sick ones. It sucks

[@brightlightsinnovationsllc4604]

How do you share attachment theory let alone Fearful avoidant with a person of interest? Especially, a fearful avoidant may look at this sharing as criticism and they need to be fixed.

[@humanity1.095]

Doesn’t seem to matter either way, they have to decide to heal/do the work, yet are avoidant. Perhaps become a worse avoidant pushing them to the anxious side and carry out the pattern on them. Perhaps as a Hail Mary move it will inspire them to confront themselves. Not advice, just thinking outside the Box.

[@jellyrcw12]

3:10, can you share the links to your videos about feeling special? I don't know if I've seen them

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Here you go: kzbin.info/www/bejne/Y3jIlH-QpMSWfM0&pp=ygU5aGVhbGluZyB0aGUgZmVhcmZ1bCBhdm9pZGFudCB3aHkgeW91IG5lZWQgdG8gZmVlbCBzcGVjaWFs

[@mattygxd5358]

Exactly how i felt before.

[@Ashley-qi7yq]

I just brokw up and was blindsided by the level od sadness i felt. Im realizing how shut off i was and i wish i could do this work IN a relationship but I'm wondering how to actually navigate this inside a partnerahip because it seems like it would take a lot of energy and stability from the partner as well. I'm afraid of burdening so I feel like I need to do it alone

[@abbasgirl8153]

If that person's loves you, and knows you are trying to heal. That makes all the difference in world & would clarify things for them. Teamwork helps the dream work

[@rossjackson2929]

It sounds like this discussion is about people who have personality disorders BPD NPD. These people can be extremely distructive to partners.

[@HallelujahPostma]

I just started watching your videos and I’ve been crying from how accurately you are explaining how I’ve been feeling… I don’t think I relate, though, to the part about wanting to break up hoping that they fight for me for the validation of their love. But everything else is the same to a T. Based on your videos so far, I’m almost entirely convinced I have this attachment style, but my one caveat is that I DID start staying my partner when I wasn’t ready and was still getting over the last guy I dated. I feel like I don’t know how to get over him while still being in this relationship, like it just feels so strange and awkward to be trying to improve on my current relationship when I’m thinking about someone else. Is that a valid reason to end things, or should I still not let this great person go and will come to love them eventually…?

[@HallelujahPostma]

Cause I keep attributing my lack of attraction and feelings for my current partner to still being in love with my ex. And while I think it’s true that I’m not fully over them, I HEAVILY relate to what you’re saying about the FA attachment style.

[@humanity1.095]

@@HallelujahPostma Look up the concept of the phantom x, diving into the deactivation strategies and how creating a subconscious separation is merely another fear response of the unhealed core wounds. Rebounding/monkey branching are also unfortunate responses to suppress and avoid dealing with/processing the reality so never allows time to get some time merely as you to deal with the pain and heartbreak of what just occured. Look up the avoidant cycle and the topics/channels surrounding info on that too. I just experienced what you are discussing, and it’s all part of the cycle/pattern/repeated painful yet healable dilemma.

[@mayda2060]

Paulien, did he accept easily your attachment style???

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

We didn't know at the time it was my attachment style. I think it would have made everything a lot easier, because both of us would understand better what was happening!

[@cassandrahaas6497]

Do you think your program could still be of help to people who are single? My securely attached partner of two years recently broke up with me because they don't think I'm attracted to them. I had noticed the program was already helping me open up more emotionally at least in my relationship. I don't know how to approach using the program now... I don't exactly want to go rushing into a new relationship either.

[@BruceJC75]

I feel like I blew it by being emotional at the breakup and breaking no contact twice even though it was minor. Hopefully I can get it right next time.

[@humanity1.095]

I disagree, the destructive nature of this is hard to measure.

[@PochatokSit]

I am quite sure my boyfriend is FA and he is now in the stage where he is thinking about the break up. He told me that he would do this in the past easily but he now realises that the same situation will repeat again so he is in a lot of doubts. Is there anyway I can share with him this information and what is the best way of doing it?

[@danielletomo4230]

Can we have fearful attachment style without all the doubt ? Like juste not be able to love someone that loves us too much ?

[@jasminemessingupherlife9343]

i recently discovered that im a FA i had been fighting constant severe anxiety that i had arkund my partner for two months i asked or a break and j still havr that anxiety surrounding him even though he's an amazing person do you have any idea on why i have this anxiety? please please help

[@Wheepey]

any update on this?

[@themacocko6311]

An ad 1 minute in to the video?!!

[@zippyblessed839]

Movies are the worst

[@octaviusmigtonius2965]

Breaking up as a test is abuse.