How To Be Alone | Lane Moore | TEDxBoulder

"In this deeply personal talk, Lane Moore (comedian and author of “How To Be Alone: If You Want To And Even If You Don’t”) discusses finding human connections, even when family, friends, and partners disappoint. For anyone who wants to feel less alone, this talk is for you." Lane Moore is an award-winning stand-up comedian, writer, actor, and musician living in New York City. Her monthly comedy show Tinder LIVE! was named on The New York Times’ Critic’s Picks, and CBS called it one of the five best comedy shows in NYC. BUST Magazine named her band It Was Romance the Best Band of 2015 and Billboard named it one of "16 female-fronted brands you should know". In 2017, she created the popular blog Hotties of MTV’s “Next,” which was quickly praised by The AV Club, Distractify, and Cosmopolitan who called Moore a “genius” and the page “perfect.” Moore was also featured on an episode of Comedy Central’s @midnight with her segment, which Chris Hardwick called “amazing.” This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@alkismith4577]

Never in my life have I heard someone so clearly articulate the pain of growing up with a physically present yet emotionally absent family. I'm reading her book currently, just before the holidays (which I utterly dread because everyone wants to know my holiday plans which are "Try to get through without attempting suicide") and it's like reading my life story. Thank you, Lane, if we met in real life we would never stop talking.

[@ashbench9649]

Hey, I hope you're doing well since you wrote this comment. I just wanna say you're worthy of love, happiness and of the right of existing. Please try to learn to laugh and make jokes about your mishaps or whatever may make you sad. You know, most people tend to externalize this energy into any form of art. 'Art is our only salvation from the horrors of existence'. I wish well, God bless.

[@beautyalaritz3310]

I relate to you. Hugs

[@lifewithjess1966]

Hugs

[@aslmad1]

Oh is that what she talks about ?maybe I will listen after all

[@alkismith4577]

@@ashbench9649 I actually used to laugh and make jokes about it, but all that did was cover up the deep pain and despair I was feeling. I discovered EFT/tapping about a year ago. It's been great for finally processing and moving old traumas out of my body.

[@Infinityflowyoga]

I was told a healer does not usually get birthed into loving families. Their traumas and the injustice that occurs in their life, is the guiding light towards their purpose as healers❤ she is a beautiful healer of love

[@sammus7]

This Tedtalk resonated with me so much, I'm 33 year old female, divorced, abandoned at birth by my parents, I have felt like I am unworthy of love and care and hence, am alone. I needed to see this Tedtalk to see hope and see that I will be OK and whoever is reading this comment, you will be ok too. Let's all come together and support each other and say hello and become friends or kind strangers who see each other and understand each other. We are not alone and of we are we'll be fine.

[@hyperterminal_reborn]

The most emotional 12 minutes I’ve had. The way she said “they always leave, or cheat, or die”, gave me goosebumps cause those are exact words I have said over and over, quote-unquote and I’ve never even dated yet. Never have I ever felt so connected to a person based on nothing but trauma, it’s like shared experiences (and she mentioned that too about sometime in the audience feeling connected). Similar to what she mentioned I feel skeptical and have the urge to push even if I ever have someone who cares because being your own parent having to take care of yourself right from childhood makes you very unfamiliar to actual love and affection. Like what do you mean you don’t have to look over your shoulder every minute and feel “safe”? Ludicrous! Due to the baggage I end up alone with no friends or partner. But despite everything I’m going to strive to move out and never look back, and try to remember that I have to do this for me, to not let select people ruin and dictate how I live my life even after they’re out of my life. And it’s about being faithful (as hard as it may be) that not everyone’s like the monsters you have suffered from. I genuinely do believe I’ll put the past behind me. It won’t happen overnight but I know I’ll slowly learn to trust again, slowly learn to receive and give love. I know, it’s not easy, it’s harder than I can articulate but everyday is a new opportunity to turn things around! I just want to say to anyone in a similar situation that you’re golden, and you will make it out, and you’ll be loved. Not by the people who should, but the people you deserve.

[@lizking8114]

Lane Moore is honest in a way that we’re taught not to be, but her experience is my experience and I would bet it’s also the experience of a lot of other people. Having the courage to be honest about the reality of that and about the drive for optimism and connection in the face of fear and pressure to be silent is super hero level amazing.

[@Lemwell7]

0:46 dude with the backwards visor is my idol

[@jackytheindo]

Not what I was expecting for "How to be alone." But, I'm glad I stayed for it. Thank you for the new perspective.

[@jamietan2082]

In Buddhism, we believe everything is impermanence. Learning to deal with loneliness is something we cannot escape and accept the truth one day we will face it. Thank you Lane for sharing this🫶 We all human deserve kindness to each other so we can empower❤

[@LucieFurre]

Lane Moore's words resonate with me so much - reading her book "How To Be Alone" is the first time I've felt like someone else gets it 💕

[@mfonobot5665]

being alone has made me find a connection with my myself also helped me to know myself better.

[@kayteabuggg]

Just finished reading her book. It made me laugh and cry all the way through. What a beautiful person. Love her

[@anisemad203]

What is the name of the book?

[@okopnik]

@@anisemad203 Quoting from the blurb: "In this deeply personal talk, Lane Moore (comedian and author of “How To Be Alone: If You Want To And Even If You Don’t”) [...]"

[@dananana1104]

This was so powerful. I’m running to buy her book now. It’s crazy how underrated this beautiful speech is.

[@josephbeller1725]

I found this by strolling in a book store- with friends yet feeling alone- and stumbling upon Lane Moore’s book. In the acknowledgements weren’t only some of my favorite celebrities, but there was also my favorite movie, 10 Things I Hate About You. I’d never seen an author put an entire movie title in the acknowledgments, so what were the odds that we’d have the same inspiration- which is this film that I have watched well over twenty times. All that being said, it’s less than a week until Christmas, I’m 20, and I’m six and a half hours away from my family with a mother who has declined all of my calls for the past month. Now, I finally remember to watch this, and here I am. I connect with her. Thank you, Lane Moore.

[@thebangtanexpress]

This is so beautiful! It was like hearing my story! Every word hit so hard because it resonated so much! Thank you did making this you wonderful wonderfully human being! You deserve all the love that there is in the world ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@OfficialLeahJude]

Wow. I’ve never heard someone voice my experience so perfectly. ❤️ really shows none of us are truly alone.

[@celinarogers9308]

Ok, so this made me cry. I've been wanting to buy her book and now I'm doing so immediately. Recently feeling lonely for the first time in my life, which has been a total shock to the system. I need this positivity in my life right now.

[@susanharrison1607]

I am completely flawed by her honesty. A very brave human-being.

[@stevethomas74]

Same here, Susan!

[@beautyalaritz3310]

Do you mean floored?

[@symboliceon1]

...like when your ex dumps you and, being the extroverted pretty one, takes all of your friends in the split, and your family is so far away geographically and psychologically, and most of your co-workers barely speak the same language as you, much less relate to similar topics, and you don't have roommates because, well, they're so not worth the trouble. And dating just feels like temporary relief, telling the same stories over and over until they've lost what they were. And you've convinced yourself that this is a growth phrase; that you need this time alone to truly understand who you are in order to fully develop your potential, particularly when you grew up an attention-whoring only child, and really needed to learn how to handle your sh*t without getting anyone else involved. And maybe that's what it is, but man, sometimes I wish the only people capable of making me crack a smile weren't on the other side of a screen.

[@caitlinpfeil9443]

Jables i see you & i feel this. i hope you find what you’re looking for. & if you don’t already have one, a rescue dog can make you smile one million times over. ❤️

[@ladyolarte4841]

Wow, this is exactly how I feel right now and the exact description of my life. Hope you find people that can be around you that loves and appreciates you. Not easy, but bad times go away and there is always something good waiting for you 😊

[@amyaaron7141]

Jables, You are me.

[@sparkstudies1675]

I hope all of you in the comments are doing okay ♥️

[@etynathalie8637]

I was almost about to cry the whole time of this speech. Thank you for your courage Lane Moore!

[@priyankagupta2025]

I could connect to every single word of her talk. Thanks for sharing your experiences that connects with so many people who are living alone and go through feelings that might be difficult to express at times. Bless you Lane!

[@michellelarsen2772]

So much yes ❤ Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart. Mine is so much like yours. I am grateful for your bravery. Tonight you connected to me.

[@andrearenee7845]

What an absolutely beautiful soul.. She is perfect...

[@haleyruiz3125]

You touched my heart. I cried the entire TED talk. Please continue spreading your story and your light.

[@feelzpodcast8330]

she is amazing, truly.

[@mattvale1]

Thank you for this, Lane. I’ll buy your book rn. Warm regards from Brazil

[@dracolaozzzed7807]

An incredible soul❤

[@chloetallan]

Lane, you are so strong. Thank you for sharing your story so that it may resonate with someone out there who is feeling alone.

[@sparkstudies1675]

♥️

[@tneemapathak784]

It was as if she was literally describing my whole life. I never thought anyone would ever get how it's like to be alone and scared and to raise yourself all alone without family and friends. Its terrifying and you never really grow out of that fear, you face it and you hope and you try with all your heart to be this strong grown up person but that little. Child inside you kind of always hungers for that love. I want to meet those 3 women in my life too... I kind of always want someone to be my family amd just adopt me.

[@tneemapathak784]

@@rozyiza8732 thnku for empathising💙

[@tneemapathak784]

@@rozyiza8732 thnku so much rozy! And if u ever want to talk to someone or just vent im. Here for u too. Maybe we can exchange emails or something🤗 everything will be fine.

[@ayushisoni1325]

Yeah.. these things really makes us 😢 sad.. I get into depression when I am alone. There is only 1 person, my mother who takes to me anytime I want however she doesn't believe there is anything in the world called depression. Whenever my mother is not around I feel sad and my father and younger sister don't care what I feel

[@tneemapathak784]

@@ayushisoni1325 i get it. It will all get better after a while. Don't worry

[@sparkstudies1675]

Hey, I hope you're doing okay right now ♥️

[@marisagallegos1738]

I’ve never seen anyone speak like this it’s absolutely beautiful.

[@sofiapinoy4336]

A very powerful honest speaker! Never have I heard someone so resounding and perspective-changing!

[@sarahtong2286]

We are alone in this together. Thank you for sharing your life. You have inspired me ❤️

[@sparkstudies1675]

♥️

[@ellenr5898]

I admire her honesty and resilience.

[@Amberk1985]

This is incredible and true. I feel understood while watching this. It is fine to be alone because we need to love ourselves.

[@joanneny8638]

I know right I heard the universe | God speaking same words to me recently 😀

[@sparkstudies1675]

♥️

[@sparkstudies1675]

I think this comment about sums it up.

[@tomm7301]

Just amazing, Lane.

[@connacio6424]

Deep appreciation for you and your courage to speak so openly, that's what I call being a fellow human being

[@sama_albairmani]

Lane’s spirit is amazing ❤️

[@daniellove911]

So much gratitude for your beautiful sharing of your story, that is shared by so many of us (me included). Thank you!

[@p1ratesarrawesome]

I finally feel understood 🥺💖

[@anatatulescu3067]

I’m so glad she understands

[@gabbymeow903]

My new favorite person!

[@tneemapathak784]

If anyone here wants to connect or to just be friends, because they had emotionally absent parents, or any trauma of some sort and sometimes all you want is to talk or connect or just be with someone who gets it. Im here. I promise i'll reply!

[@Dr.Bhavay]

Take care :)

[@sparkstudies1675]

I hope you are well

[@tneemapathak784]

@@sparkstudies1675 im okay sparks!hope you are having a magical life too!

[@sparkstudies1675]

@@tneemapathak784 Oh hey, didn't see this. That's great to hear! You still open to being friends?

[@tneemapathak784]

@@sparkstudies1675 oh yea definitely! I'd like that! Should we swap email id's or?

[@Thewildmoonchild11]

Lane!!! You’re the best!

[@sujatashahane3044]

You are soooo.. good. Just felt the instant connection with you as a friend/family member. Keep it up! dear. You are going to be more than victorious in your endeavour.

[@margaretbishop7001]

Thank you 😊

[@Antoniathinks]

Ditto. Bless you, Sister.

[@padmawatirathore5598]

I am with you . Thank you so much for sharing your story.

[@whatsaqueentoagoddess]

Thank you lane Moore. We are connected.

[@ChandanaCTV]

i just want to give her a hug ❤

[@estefanyrodz]

I and so many people needed to hear this. ❤ Bold and awesome

[@jania35]

Wow, beautiful TED Talk ❤️ Thank you, Lane Moore 🥺💗💗💗 I’m sending lots of love to everyone ❤️

[@irenemac1545]

I needed this💚💜💚💜

[@SmoothElevationsAnnisa444]

Love this!

[@shanninantonopoulo1237]

so pleased to see this..i really connect to this...well articulated

[@pawnxqueen935]

I can resonate a lot with this. Thank you

[@Yabatoob]

Vibin with this, thank you

[@hannamakela6989]

When I was already in my twenties I was afraid of travelling alone - even very short distances - for fear of being lost. Then I realized that the reason for my fear was not fear of death or something that drastic. It was the fear of causing other people to be concerned about my being awol, as it were. When I realized I was not afraid for my own life and safety but rather for being embarrassed for getting lost or being late, etc., I ended up LOVING travelling - and living! - alone. And not perhaps all that paradoxically that insight made me like other people more, not less. These kinds of epiphanies are quite rare, but this is one I can attest to. :)

[@jania35]

Beautiful story ❤️

[@hannamakela6989]

@@jania35 Thank you for your kind words! :)

[@jania35]

@@hannamakela6989 no problem and thank you for sharing your story!! :)❤️

[@hannamakela6989]

@@jania35 :)

[@Emily-rh2lm]

YES YES YES i totally agree God bless you

[@jamiepercy681]

Thank you! I couldn't have described my feelings better than you just did. Wow!

[@souldigital8148]

Maybe connection is possible but it's becoming a rarity. The world is getting more superficial and shallow by the second and people only want relationships for the benefits they gain. I've tried to connect with people since I was a child and was thrown away so much that I literally feel almost no happiness and joy in life or association with people. Its like walking around in a world where everyone but you is out of focus or like you're just an extra in other people's lives but they wouldn't notice if you were there or not. I try to not let it affect how I treat people and show caring and be supportive but still get treated as insignificant by everyone including my family. I like to say I am not lonely because I can't imagine being close to anyone anymore other than my daughter, she is the only thing in life that makes me feel like it's worth it. They say depression is a chemical imbalance but what if you have suffered from it since you were a child and its mostly because how people have treated you? People are disappointing and I include myself in that i guess as I'm never what people have probably wanted in a person though I try to be a good friend, son and father.

[@sparkstudies1675]

Hey, I hope you are doing better. I'm sorry for what you went though. Everyone is on their journey and everything is worthy of love and care. See that for yourself when others cannot see it in you.

[@613pics]

I was like... I know her!!! Tik Tok! She's had a glow up since. Keep doing your thing! this is great

[@coldenhaulfield5998]

Idk but I've thrived when I started living alone. That alone makes me appreciate the experience.

[@elizavetaz8147]

All of this resonates with me so much. If it resonates with you, add me, message me, let's be friends ❤️

[@tneemapathak784]

Yo! Could we be friends?

[@sparkstudies1675]

How are you doing now? :0

[@ReadingF.758]

Thanks for sharing your vulnerability which I understand all too well. Big Hugs for you.

[@jessicasmalling2775]

Be like Lane Moore, she's good people

[@aslmad1]

Travel alone is a lot different from just being alone

[@detroit-duchess]

Omg I’m 33 and I’m learning from her! 🤦‍♀️ I love this girl!!! ❤❤❤

[@denisebrown8516]

Thank you so much xoxo

[@cynthiajohnson9412]

I hear ya, Lane. I know exactly what you're saying. And I love you.

[@sparkstudies1675]

I hope you're doing well ♥️

[@ketekianand]

So beautiful, so authentic ❤️❤️

[@killdexx6908]

I. Needed. This. 🙏💯🖤

[@priyankagautam9470]

I love you!!❤️❤️

[@MsAmour2009]

Your writing is very very good Lane! Keep up the great job!

[@valdapierre6650]

💖💖💖💖💖thank you for being you

[@notasheep5905]

Amazing 🙂

[@ahmeddhahir8305]

personally i live in a world of my creation

[@dawnemile7499]

I'm surprised that someone as attractive as Lane is alone. I like having a lot of alone time now that I have learned to use the time wisely. I used to feel that I should always have company to go anywhere. I go on vacation alone and enjoy it because I can truly do what I want. Moreover, I usually meet nice people who are willing to befriend me. Now I go to the neighborhood bar/restaurant where the staff are quite willing to be my family. Like Lane, my parents were present but seemed incapable of providing emotional support and I had to read books to raise myself. I still have a hope for the ideal partner but I pretty much think that this is just a fairytale that people pretend they have achieved.

[@sparkstudies1675]

I don't think it's a fairytale. All good relationships worth keeping take time and trial and work. Just seems to be harder for some of us to find what we deserve in this world. I hope you're doing well. ♥️

[@sparkstudies1675]

I feel like I'm mentally up there with her, that's about all I've figured out up until this point in life. Interesting find. At first, didn't find this very inspiring, but it seemed like she needed to do this for herself, and I was comforted by the thought of there being others out there, even much older than I, just as longing and hurt and confused. Upon further reflection, I see the message. I get it. It resonates. She undoubtedly deserved better though, looked like she could use a good therapy session. Wonder how she's doing now. Would give her or past her the biggest hug if I could.

[@gen2lessard]

love her! - i'm surprised that there are not more views - but then only childhood trauma survivors or caring mental health professionals could really understand the gravity of having no-one to put on emergency contact health forms - it's so true...

[@n.sundari889]

This resonates. We cannot force family to act like family. We cannot force strangers to be our friend. This being alone is affecting large populations in England as well as the US. No one seems to have an answer to fixing the problem of not having anyone. Yet doctors as well as professionals always tell us it’s not healthy. Again they never give us an answer to fixing this situation.🧿

[@Andreas_Spielberg]

I never thought that I would be alone. There is a war in Ukraine, the family left for Germany. I am alone in the house with a dog. It's been 4 months. The first 2 months were very hard. Gradually it becomes easier. We have a big house, a lawn, a car, everything you could dream of in any country. But I am alone. Sometimes I think is it okay to live 4 months alone? Maybe I'm crazy, but I don't know. Previously, I didn’t have enough money for a month, but now I have enough money for a week as much as I used to tip the barber. One piece of advice to everyone - don't waste your money because only money, if you have it, won't leave you.

[@Madeline11.11]

LANE MOORE, MY FIRST FRIEND ! WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON! OMG LMFAO

[@e.m2117]

10:39 ❤️

[@CrossfitCarlos]

beautiful

[@charlenechen8714]

I enjoyed her vulnerability.

[@snehabhatt2417]

I am there for you..you are not alone..

[@jdhinckley1954]

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@alive325]

I’m gonna reach out to her now

[@patriciacole8773]

You looked really beautiful today SISTER ❣️

[@gayathriparthasarathy255]

Lane you have a friend here.

[@bendobadass103]

thought this was billie eilish from the thumbnail

[@jameellamar]

this is the comment i was looking for

[@rupertbergin9890]

never had the stranger luck,never felt worthy because if no one wants me it follows that I must be unworthy. But now 81 I am more afraid of the day I find out disease ravages me, I will be alone..

[@yoagi999]

I thought this was funny and incredibly sad I love you

[@xingwang9602]

you are enough. you are worthy. Can I be your friend?

[@Desrayyy_]

if I was in the audience,I would've come and hugged you on stage idc what anyone says :)

[@Fht9]

I do STALK people on twitter to see what people tweet w/out having to follow anyone mind your own life and embrace your own life -how others live their life should never be yours or anyone’s concern Thankfully I never make it my choice to live by other’s life advice because it’s not my responsibility to live up to anyone’s expectations I never make it my choice to care about other’s opinions because it’s not my responsibility to live up to anyone’s expectations

[@jreverie7018]

😢😢😢😢

[@awakenedangrycensoredameri4459]

I hope she finds what she's looking for. I'm sad for her loneliest.

[@kekau92]

BPD

[@gayathriparthasarathy255]

What is your name pl? I too am alone at 67. Gayathri Krishnan Parthasarathy be brave and strong.

[@ChandanaCTV]

how are you doing?

[@gayathriparthasarathy255]

@@ChandanaCTV hi. You're a photographer? Where do u live pl?

[@krakentowa8727]

So, not really about how to be alone, but only about this persons disadvantaged upbringing.