How To Be "Good" At Therapy

[@Haghenveien]

One very important thing: set boundaries. With my first therapist I didn't know I could do this so I felt pressure to answer whatever they asked me even if i wasn't prepare, to talk about things I didn't what to talk. etc. With this second therapist I have learnt that I can say no. And that makes a huge difference because it puts me in control. I think that being active in therapy it's also about this.

[@NomSauce]

It also helps the therapist a lot, if you're not giving any inputs or responses to different magnitude of questions, it makes it harder for them to try to make a good analysis. Not only can it end up staggering their analysis, it could also end up shifting their analysis into something else that is incorrect. Even if it's not a direct boundary, letting them know that "this subject is harder/easier/complicated to talk about" etc, is still helpful. I think just being completely raw and honest about what you feel with whatever they ask you etc, makes it easier for them. Cause what it does, is to let them be a part of your thought process, kind of like being able to recieve info not just from what you're saying, but how you're feeling about the experience around you. How you experience things etc. There's just so much minute detail that gives value in those emotions.

[@iwersonsch5131]

@@NomSauce I can see that. Be honest, but remember that "I don't want to talk about that" is also an honest answer.

[@alexia3552]

That's a really excellent point

[@TheDavveponken]

@@NomSauce Good point. This is what I want out of therapy as well - like you said, my inner reactions are a part of me as well. One therapist asked me very provocative questions, implying I had an incestuous relationship with my sibling (I honestly think it said more about him than me) and so on. One time I said that I sometimes feel like punching him in the face (while assuring him I never would - I had a lot of pent up anger already to begin with) which made him immediately refer me to someone else. Hopefully there are braver therapists out there. This makes me anxious about over-sharing. Hopefully that therapist was a one-off.

[@solin21210]

Therapy is a scam

[@wouterverbeken8635]

Men will litterally bingewatch Dr. K videos for 7 hours instead of going to therapy

[@MDO_666]

Yes

[@johnwalker4606]

Yes

[@ThisIsTheBestAnime]

I'm watching through the entire back catalogue bit by bit 😶 I did start with coaching at HGgg though, I'll see how that goes first. I've already watched everything uploaded from 2019-01-25 up to 2020-03-26.

[@dtigheb]

Is that bad?

[@remi3936]

Men? You mean me? I’m sorry, but why go to “real” therapy when Dr. k is free therapy? /j

[@Hafaechaes]

My first therapist latched onto anything I said vigorously, working hard to make me think it's "THE trauma" and "fixing" it with EMDR. My second one loved the "you tell ME, you're the expert of you" shtick, even when I desperately asked her to help me navigate. My third would forget almost everything I tell him by the next session, so I was repeating the same stuff week after week making no headway. All these had something in common, namely that they had capacity to take me right away... . My next therapist took me even though he was at capacity - lo and behold, he's actually a capable therapist. All this time people kept telling me that I just had to find the right match when it comes to therapists and I kept believing it, but even though I did "find a match", in hindsight the others were probably shit matches for anyone. So if you're having trouble with making therapy work, absolutely explore the possibility that the common denominator is you, but sometimes if it quacks like a duck, it's a quack ;)

[@TheDavveponken]

There seems to be a lot of “hack”/quack-therapists thriving off of the mental health crisis. I've seen quite a few and very much relate to your experience.

[@jennw6809]

I too had multiple therapists who either were total hacks applying EMDR dangerously, making me worse, or helping some and doing some damage. It really sucks when you are re-traumatized by your therapists.

[@lydoofusbinderp9853]

I've had about 10 therapists like this and they've definitely done a lot of unnecessary damage. In hindsight now that I'm realizing it might really not have been my fault and other people have had similar experiences, it's starting to feel more amusing looking back on it. Hopefully someone might find my worst experiences amusing along with me: I had one who wouldn't let go of the theory I was suicidal (I was, but really needed space on that and it wasn't an imminent problem). She ended up calling me one day out of the blue, said she'd call the cops to check on me if I hung up, kept me on the phone for about an hour before demanding to speak to my mother and tell her she was sure I was suicidal. I was 21 years old at the time. I caved in order to get her off my back and my mother told her to mind her business hahaaa. I had another who would start talking politics from the start of the session to the end. On our 3rd session I spoke up for the first time in half an hour just to agree with her and throw in one caveat- she yelled at me to shut up. Full on yelled at me. Loud enough that the whole lobby absolutely heard it. Then she ended the session and I didn't get any kind of refund or anything either. I was pretty hopeful about another one I met; I felt like we hit things off in the first session. On the second one, she told me that she hid something from me the last time; she was going to begin working in a private practice in a few days and wanted me to meet with her there from next week on. It was twice the distance away and I wouldn't have been able to do it. She suddenly got kinda terse and asked me what I wanted to do then. I started shutting down pretty quick because I fold whenever people seem upset. I told her I didn't know, so she asked again. And again. She kept asking an uncomfortable number of times before I asked her to stop, because it was making me anxious. And then she started asking it even more, like a broken record. It was really surreal and I ended up having a panic attack over it, and left her office crying and hyperventilating. I ended up crying in a nearby bathroom stall for over an hour until I felt okay enough to get home.

[@jennw6809]

@@lydoofusbinderp9853 Wow. I am so sorry these things happened to you! All three of those therapists were SO out of line. I suppose there's good, bad and middling people in all professions, but the problem with therapists is it's easy for them, when there are issues or you bring up something, for them to automatically think they are right and the client is always projecting/being resistant. I remember hearing one therapist tell me she (to her credit) consulted with her group and also an expert therapist when problems arose between us. But it seemed to me the other therapists didn't even CONSIDER that my therapist's feelings were getting in the way of treating me.

[@lydoofusbinderp9853]

@@jennw6809 Yeah that's scary as fuck- supervision is important and I think sometimes they're where the real problem can come in. If supervision isn't diligent and impartial to the therapist(s) working with them, or if supervision just isn't there, it's incredibly easy for therapists to project or have countertransference or even just generally be assholes. I think it's common for a lot of experts in any field to get too full of themselves if they aren't having their ideas questioned regularly but therapy is one area, along with biological medicine, where the effects of that can range from counterproductive to completely devastating.

[@alexia3552]

The concept of "It's not your job to know what to do" really helped me. I knew the "you need to put in the work" but was worried because I don't have a full picture of the entire roadmap of therapy, and hearing that that's literally the point of going to therapy and I'm hiring someone with expertise I do not have to help me do that helped me let go of a lot of stress

[@GabeWilliams]

I had a therapist that would expect that I had something on my mind to talk about and I’d end up having to overthink it and figure out what to talk about when I got there. Glad to know it wasn’t really my fault lol

[@patricklapinski1526]

Yeah i hated that too, what helped me the most in dealing with that was just saying hey im not sure i have anything specific i want to talk about could you give me some direction

[@TheDavveponken]

Yes, this. I had a therapist that would just sit and stare at me to begin the conversation. Never said hello or goodbye either. Fucking weirdo.

[@cay924]

I hated my therapist that did that. I'd go in and say "I'm not sure what to talk about today" and she'd just sit there, BORED, as if I'm supposed to be entertaining her with various stories of my life all the time.

[@isapu1948]

Yeah Same here God, that was awful

[@appended1]

@@cay924 Sometimes, "I can't think of anything to talk about," is code for, "I can only think about this one thing but I'm uncomfortable saying it out loud." Eventually, the uncomfortable silence gets to be worse than the discomfort of talking about it, and the client opens up. I suspect that was the strategy. If she was giving "bored" instead of "listening with interest", she was probably not very good at body language.

[@Fixti0n]

Ive been in therapy of a good while now, and how i see it is that I am a ship sailing in the open sea, i am the captain, i choose where we go, how we go, and am the one who is responsible that we get there. My therapist is the navigator, its her job to know where we are, and the way we have to go to get to my destination. Its not her responsibility to make sure the sails are working, its not her job to make sure the hull is clean, its not her job to do any of that, only tell me which way to turn the ship in order to get to where i want to go. Now if i cant make sure the sails are in order, or the hull is clean, then i need a larger crew. So i hire a personal trainer to fix the sails and then i can clean the hull while making sure the ship goes the rigth way.

[@blissfu_lee8522]

Spot on.

[@KatesChaos710]

Perfect metaphor for therapy 👌 ✨

[@Fixti0n]

@@dad4378 have you ever been trying to solve a puzzle, been sitting there for hours trying to get it all to fit but you cannot seem to make it, nothing you try works and you sit there, hour after hour. And then someone walks by and point out the most obvious thing, that one thing you couldn't see. Its a little like that. If you struggle with something every day, you get tunnel vision, It is a little like getting lost in the woods, you have no clue where you are, but someone in a chopper above you can see all of the forest and wich direction you have to go to get home. Its not realy sad that you cant always help yourself all by yourself, its just a fact of life. If you get stabbed in the gut, you wouldn't stich up the would all by yourself would you? and it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect someone else to do it for you. That is my experience at least.

[@dad4378]

@@Fixti0n your right. It makes sense, thanks.

[@Fixti0n]

@@dad4378 Glad i could help.

[@flawlix]

My old therapist fired me as a patient after persuading me to do a sensory deprivation chamber, which he insisted would help my anxiety. When I did it and then told him I hated it (boring! I can’t be still that long! Made my thoughts feel louder than normal! Felt like a waste of time!), he got real sulky and told me the next session that he didn’t think I should continue therapy with him. I agreed, cuz clearly we were a bad fit.

[@gregvanpaassen]

As an ethical professional he should have given you names of other therapists who could help you better, or ways of finding them. Just chucking you out on the street is malpractise.

[@philippkeysers5077]

A problem with trying all those different "cuisines" is that there's often a really long time you have to wait until you can actually meet the therapist and start therapy.

[@TheDavveponken]

I think this is one of the main problems with therapy today. Therapists work so independently and it gets up to you, who are sick, and often times lethargic, to work out what is a good therapy for you. I so wish they would work more closely to one another. Like for example you go to the doctor and say you have issues with so and so and then they can say "oh, okay, well see our specialist" and then they can guide you and give you a list of people they've worked with before and so on and so on. That way the burden of trying out what is good falls upon them instead of reaching into peoples pockets that are in actual need of health care. It's messed up. I mean if you broke your arm, would you just leave them hanging and say, well you can go look up people whom might be able to fix that for you, but of course you have to try a few of them out before getting it right.

[@colinbalfour1834]

@@TheDavveponken Is it that simple though? I don't really know much tbh, but I feel like a lot of it would come down to preference. Can a 'general' therapist accurately provide you with a specialist? I'm no so sure. With doctors it's very easy, as they diagnose and send you to the person best suited for treatment. Mental illness diagnoses exist, and a psychiatrist could diagnose you with say anxiety, and point you in the direction of how to treat your specific diagnosis, but even then there's no single clear option. There are many other fields like this (I think PTs are a good example) where you often have to jump around and find something that actually fits your needs and actually works for you.

[@TheDavveponken]

​@@colinbalfour1834 Well, I didn't say it was simple to implement, at least I don't think so (for some reason I can't view my previous post at this time).. I get your point though and I didn't try to advocate for a “catch-all” solution for whatever diagnose you may end up getting, but often I've gotten little to no direction from doctors (and where I am, in Sweden, doctors don't typically diagnose you with mental illnesses/disorders). Instead you are refered to a psychologist who (in Sweden) are certified to diagnose you (and often times employed by the hospital - or a private practice, which I'm generally not a fan of for multiple reasons). Either way, what I meant to say is that they then, after diagnosing you, would be able to refer you to not only a suitable treatment, but also - proven - suitable therapists that they've worked with before (that they know have the experience/knowledge of the particular problem you may have). My point is that you yourself might not be qualified (or even suitable at that time, due to depression or what have you) to pick and chose out of the myriad of therapists out there (a lot of them aren't that good, at least from my experience - or maybe just not suitable for me and my particular problem). That way you're presented -and most of all taken cared of, embraced, by the psychiatric care. Of course you'd be able to venture outside said “package deal” if you wanted to. It still might not be a perfect fit. I've often found myself very alone in getting treatment, and I know people who've given up on treatment prematurely for this very reason - it's just too daunting and hopeless. I just don't like the idea of patients being left to sink or swim in getting treatment, since they most likely are already sinking in general. In fact it would kind of be like with PTs (I'm guessing you mean personal trainers). The gym often cooperate with, or even hire, personal trainers they know are good (often times of a certain standard resonating with that of the gym).

[@doukzu]

That and the cuisine can be pretty expensive. You can only try so much before you realize you can't really afford to keep taste testing.

[@PathForger_]

So, mytakeaways: - Be transparent - Understand that both the therapist and the patient work towards bettering the patient. - Understand that the process takes time - but every interaction is an opportunity for progress. - Be reasonably open to new perspectives and ideas - but also not so much so that biases are being temporarily glossed over. If biases exist and are seen as problematic then they do eventually require address - reducing the odds of 'rebound'. - One-size-fits all is not really how things work.

[@Furebel]

Not gonna change anything. If you get lucky enough to hit actually competent therapist, he will explain this to you anyways, if you find scammer, your efforts will be meaningless.

[@indiesongwriter5474]

I'm a therapist and I would say one very important thing is to tell me if something is or isn't working. I always ask clients how it's going regularly, and a few times I've had clients not tell me that they wanted to focus on something else or go in a different direction. I do realize that if someone's problem is asserting their own needs, that this is difficult at times in therapy, but it's so important.

[@TheDavveponken]

I think it's important to be clear what the objectives are (for both parties), but you as a therapist must of course initiate such a conversation - and perhaps revisit it over the course of the therapy, while mapping out “the problem” - since you are the expert of your field (while conversely the person seeking therapy is, in a sense, the “expert” on themselves). I find it very hard to walk into a therapist's office and start dictating how my therapy is going to be structured (as per Dr. K's example, one would never do that at a doctor's office, or any other office for that matter). I'm better at it now after so many failed attempts at therapy. The most benefit I've ever gotten out of therapists are the inquisitive ones, that are not afraid to ask hard questions from what they observe. But generally I have found therapists to be, oddly enough, exceedingly bad at taking in the room and the person sitting in front of them. Is it common for therapists to have bad people skills?

[@HolyCodzta]

Maybe instead of, or as well as, asking "how's it going?", which is open ended, you could ask them to find one thing they dislike about or that isn't working with your sessions together?

[@HolyCodzta]

Or better than that might be one thing they wish was better about your sessions, puts more of a positive spin on it.

[@tejasbinu5025]

I feel like you bringing this point up to your clients itself (not how it's going, the fact that even after asking that sometimes clients still won't say something felt off) would provide more opportunities for them to stop you when something feels off. Or is that still insufficient?

[@indiesongwriter5474]

@@HolyCodzta I appreciate your feedback here, and in the interest of being pithy I wasn't precise in my communication. I don't mean to say that I literally ask "how is it going", just to say I check in on this conceptually, and your feedback is correct. I would expand upon that and say the way I ask this depends both on the person I'm talking to and the specific session I'm in, and may differ more broadly then what you're suggesting here. I think it's really about me empathically tuning into them, in order to do this. My experience with clients has generally been positive in this respect, in terms of the feedback I do get that I'm generally dialed in to them. Unfortunately, there are a lot of therapists that aren't good at empathically tuning in, though I can't speak to the percentages. I think it's a skill, much like mindfulness, that must be constantly sharpened and practiced in our work but also in our llives outside of the work we do.

[@modern_eel]

I've had 3 different therapists, the first one was able to teach me CBT, but eventually CBT wasn't what I needed and we came to a close. Then my second therapist was really good at helping me heal my sense of connection to others through EMDR and that eventually came to the close of what I needed and I was OK for a while. But trauma is often like an onion and I needed therapy again. I'm healing totally different things than the previous two were able to, and a huge part of that is that I'm not ready to heal those things. Therapy isn't a one-stop-shop. We're fuzzy, wiggly things with fuzzy wiggly problems, and it may take some time for therapy to touch and heal all the pain.

[@kid-ava]

glad it's not just me, i feel this

[@partysqu1d]

Whenever I go to a therapist or a psychiatrist, they keep bouncing me around to different colleagues who "are more experienced with the issues I want to work on" or they just outright say that they don't know what to do with me or where to begin. I think my favorite dismissal was a psychiatrist saying "You're not a patient; you are a liability." That being said, I really appreciate the videos that you make, Dr K. There is a lot of great advice that is rather general, yet still applicable, and the past few weeks have done more good for me than the past decade of searching fruitlessly for more personal help. Thanks for all that you do.

[@nightingalebard]

I really respect what you're doing. It's wonderful that someone could be considering therapy but they're scared, or they don't know how to go about it, and they can find you online. Suddenly, the concept is that much more realistic to them and they feel safer to get help. Thanks for taking the time to make content online!

[@justsomejojo]

TIL that being silent and letting the patient talk for an hour is a Freudian approach. Huh. My old therapist did it like that. I never brought it up since I was new to this and needed to pour myself out anyway. Haven't been there in a while though, partly because of Covid, partly because our approved sessions ran out and also partly because that approach actually hrlped me a ton in getting better. Not only did I get out a lot of pent up stuff, but with the few comments he made he also gave me the feeling of not everything being my fault (I blamed myself for EVERYTHING bad in my life)

[@onezerotwo]

I fucking HATED this approach it drove me nuts

[@justsomejojo]

@@onezerotwo Not gonna lie, I was doubtful at times as well (especially the first 2 months), but trusted it might work since I told myself "I have no clue about therapy". Also, because I seriously needed to just flush out everything in an uninterrupted flow of thought. The correct approach would probably be to directly bring it up to clarify the situation.

[@alceusrydan6237]

My therapist is amazing she balances the silent (active listening) and asking questions based off what I talked about. It feels like having a deep conversation with a life long friend. My first therapist I had felt condescending in his voice like when he tried to help me solve problems it’s as if he doesn’t now how to put himself in my shoes which is a red flag for a therapist imo. That and he seemed to be writing constantly. Whereas my current therapist she doesn’t write shit and it’s like she is really there and cares. And when she helps she doesn’t put any blame on me and says that whatever negative feeling I feel is a normal reaction, and that she agrees that I was put in a shitty situation. It’s all about finding the right therapist!

[@Andrew-qm5im]

@@onezerotwo different strokes for different folks. Hope you find a therapist/therapy that works for you. You deserve it

[@thomaslizzi]

I'm a 26 year old becoming a therapist, who is also a client in therapy, so I love these videos. Having a therapist isn't a grad school requirement to be one (it should be), but it's still alright to ask your therapist if they've experienced being a client.

[@TheDhammaHub]

That is one of the paradoxes of therapy... on average, it works fantastic for those who are already doing pretty good while yielding mixed results for those who _really_ need it

[@uyaratful]

@D. I have no idea but they clearly didn't do a good job making you feel safe. My therapist spend much time building tools (like trust) and my skillset (like ability to observe physical manifestations of my feelings) before we doug deeper.

[@frishter]

@D. Trauma is a big factor towards our mental scars, especially our childhood. It is completely understandable that you would be uncomfortable talking about it, however as with physical wounds, you can ignore the injury or even take pain killers, but the wound itself needs to be dealt with. I'm not here to push you or qualified to say how good your therapist was or wasn't, just to say that your therapist was trying to find where your wound is and not just the symptoms of your wound.

[@lupoallupato3305]

Yeah exaclty

[@bunnyteeth365]

Yeah. My issue is I don't do well with any sort of homework ever and so much therapy is homework focused now. I prefer somatic experiencing type therapy. It may not seem as "practical", but it helps me deal with emotions and decision making. I'm good at verbalizing things, but when I'm under pressure I'm not the best at dealing with feelings. This confuses a lot of people including most therapists.

[@cripplingcaffeineaddiction3847]

I agree Bc I got with my therapist as I was getting better and he’s helped accelerate the progress

[@Hollow-ty3qm]

I think it's important to remember that there are good and bad therapists. Sometimes you have to try different ones tp find a good one. I've had some really shitty therapists and now an amazing one that's really helped me a lot.

[@kpkowfoot]

I've got my first ever appointment scheduled next month and this addressed a lot of questions I haven't had much time to ponder about. Thanks!

[@ot7stan207]

congrats on setting that up! i started half a year ago, some days i have nothing to say and some days I do and thats ok.

[@jennw6809]

I did bring up my concerns, to disastrous results. I was with a therapist for nearly two years and it was a session about how the therapy was going -- some things had changed, but I observed that the core of my PTSD had not -- that seemed to cause her to have countertransference and terminate me. I believe this happens a lot more than it should - clients are terminated for the therapists' convenience.

[@Anna_Rozanska]

Similar here. Shared with our couples therapist that for the last few sessions we hadn't made much progress (where in the beginning we literally soared) wondered aloud whether this "plateau" was to be expected, suggested we would like to have less frequent sessions to see if we can manage on our own, maybe... As a reply we got: "Well then, that will be the end of our therapy. I'll schedule you one last session to wrap it up." And mind you, when at intake we asked what termination looks like, the therapist stressed: "it's for you to decide when we finish". 🙄😮‍💨😠😭

[@jennw6809]

@@Anna_Rozanska Oh my. So sorry to hear that. I have to applaud you for thinking to ask what termination looked like, despite the fact that your therapist didn't follow through on that.

[@rachellewatson01]

There are so many experts, including a lot of therapists, who subscribe to the idea that the client should know what they want/need when they present. This has unfortunately become the standard of care across different professions which is so disappointing. One of the most meaningful parts of my job as a therapist is explaining the rules of the game and how therapy/the mental health care system works. Just a few minutes goes such a long way. Love this video!

[@paulmoore5392]

As someone who currently goes to therapy, one thing I would personally suggest is don't be afraid to ask your therapist questions. I know a few people go into therapy expecting the therapist to just explain everything to you and only have the therapist ask you questions, but being completely transparent with them also means asking questions for things you need help with or things you want answers too. In my personal experience, I have gotten more help from my therapist and the best advice from them by me asking them a question about something

[@ICEcoldJT]

“Speak to people in a way that if they died the next day, you’d be satisfied with the last thing you said to them.”

[@SwagDawg]

@@CruisingStardust You would be satisfied if that were the last thing you said to them?

[@TheEnmineer]

@@CruisingStardust Perhaps a better quote might be "Speak to people in a way that if you never spoke again, you'd be satisfied with the last thing you said to them"

[@naritruwireve1381]

@@CruisingStardust LOL

[@anitanabana6441]

I recently started psychoanalysis, which goes very slow and I am very happy I did it. I feel that - even though it is just talking - what is talked about passes by my rational mind and goes to or comes from directly the emotional one. This is something that was always difficult for me (I am quite guarded) and it is really amazing to experience what the mind can do.

[@annalockwood3021]

One of the best things I did when starting with my current therapist was to bring along a notebook to my sessions. I can write down things for later reference, but I can also create some notes between sessions so that we can focus on the stuff that’s on my mind. This has really helped me keep track of what’s being learned, which things keep coming up, which sorts of notes work best for me, etc. I had to wait a while to even begin with my counselor, and read a number of books about the process. This helped me take a more proactive approach this time through, and it has made a world of difference. Finally was able to start taking a bit of Prozac, and that’s helped too. For whatever reasons my dad was opposed to the idea of medication, so I didn’t give it a try til after he died. Another difference these days is the general acceptance of mindfulness work and the newer understanding of trauma treatments. There’s a lot more options nowadays, whew.

[@michaeloconnor1281]

In all seriousness, thank you for this video Dr. K, I've been in therapy about 4 months, and....I'd say I try, I practice techniques at home and always make appointments. But after this video, I'm actually going to ask my therapist how she thinks I'm doing, and I'm not sure a lot of it is working. Some of it certainly is, but I'm still fucked. There are many reasons as to why that is probably the case (20 plus years of substance abuse) so I've always expected her to just go "This is going to take a long time" which she very well probably will say. But opening up that discussion, can't hurt at all.

[@cguzmanCA]

As a person who has just started a program to become a therapist, hearing this perspective of therapy is very helpful. Thanks Dr. K!

[@NathanBrownisawesome]

Oh wow, great timing, I had my intake appointment today, thanks Dr. K!

[@vladislavkaras491]

Being active and understanding that you are not supposed to be an expert are really great advices! Thanks for the video!

[@neugabi]

Thank you Dr.K! I can share this with people who are considering therapy but don't know what to expect.

[@gnatdagnat]

This is literally the perfect timing.. I just had my second session of therapy.

[@firerose7936]

Lots of people, in any field, are bad at their jobs. How do you know if you have a good therapist?

[@Kungigad]

If you feel it doesnt help you, you can change a therapist. Sometimes therapist is good but just not for you (like his personality, vibe), or style he works doesnt certainly apply to you. My friend changed his therapist 4 times until he found his actual, very helpful to him one

[@rowiian]

@@Kungigad This!! One of the most interesting things I've read while studying to become a therapist myself is a quote from a women who said that she always offers a free appointment for the very first meeting with a client, for the exact purpose of allowing the person to get a feel of whether she feels right for them. It's so important to not only have a therapist you feel you can trust, but also someone who uses a method that suits your individual problems. Someone might be really experienced with psychotherapy but not as well versed in cognitive behavioural psychology and so on.

[@firerose7936]

@@Kungigad I've been called difficult and non-compliant by previous therapists. I've heard multiple times that I should seek out a different therapist, but when I've gone through 4 already and have had the same problem with all of them. I'm inclined to think there's a mismatch of what I need and what the field has to offer. I appreciate your advice to try again. I know Dr. K says what he does isn't exactly therapy... last time I tried to find someone with a non-western world view I was not successful. 😐 I suppose if at first, and second, and third, and fourth attempt you don't succeed try something different, because what you're doing is obviously not working. I just don't know how to screen for someone or something more effective.

[@rowiian]

@@firerose7936 i'm sorry you've haven't had luck finding someone you feel fit you so far. Have you given any thought to what you bring to the table for appointments? I'm curious what they meant by 'difficult and non-compliant'. Like K says, therapy is often hard work from both sides and it's important to figure out if there's something that could affect the cooperation and interactions between therapist and client

[@firerose7936]

@@rowiian it means I refuse to be put on medication for anxiety and depression, I guess that means I need to find someone who's genuinely supportive of not using medication. Thanks for the insight 🔥🌹

[@anonymouse7773]

Just started therapy this month. Counting that as a win bc I never thought I'd have the courage to even get started

[@aimebiampamba6546]

That’s great ! All the best, love ❤️

[@DragonFrootBunny]

Thank you for another great video, Dr. K! I've been trying to seek out a therapist recently.

[@ryk6207]

This is the video I wished I’d seen back when I first tried therapy. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do and my therapists didn’t seem to know what to do with me either.

[@Rikarwb]

Gordon Ramsey: "It tastes off ? It's your tongue, its fucking raw, get out !"

[@_Sen.0]

YES CHEF

[@Sqwivig]

yes chef 😭

[@joytest8224]

I get more out of watching your videos than the last 2 therapist I have seen. Great videos my guy! Wish I could talk with you one on one.

[@SayajinCQB]

dr k. is like that 6 stars mage that out heals all the damage.

[@reallyanotheruser7290]

Recently a friend talked with me about having a panic attack during work. I told him to see a therapist but he said he had already seen one a few years ago and got put into group therapy which absolutely wasnt his cup of tea, so he doesnt want to see one again. I dont see him very often, he is a little bit of a daredevil, a little stubborn and sometimes pretty self-destructive (injuring himself to get others to laugh and have fun). I wanna help him but since i see him so rarely (and only on partys) i dont know how to approach this topic again without being inappropriate.

[@manuelgoncalves4937]

"Hey Man, hopefully you're doing well. I was just thinking about our conversation and wanted to see if you were up to trying again for a therapist, since I see that some of the things you do hurt yourself and I'm worried man. Would you like to talk about it with me in the coming month?"

[@elisam.r.9960]

Quick question: When your friend disclosed the panic attack, did he ask for advice?

[@reallyanotheruser7290]

@@elisam.r.9960 not really, he just wanted to tell it and talk about it 🤔

[@elisam.r.9960]

@@reallyanotheruser7290 That's what I suspected but wanted to confirm. His reaction suggested that this story was firmly in unsolicited advice territory.

[@reallyanotheruser7290]

@@elisam.r.9960 yea i guess youre right

[@kairosieghart1973]

The timing! It'll be my first time talking with a therapist later 7 hours from now.

[@Bxhjdkyehosbwnwksj]

The car mechanic analogy is on point!

[@mintee8638]

The problem with leaving it completely to the experts is that one loses control. The expert may make major mistakes or be a bad apple. One should seek to know enough to not be fooled or unknowingly accept major mistakes that underlie incompetency. Dr. K makes a good point for one to ask oneself, "Am I improving? Am I going in the right direction?"

[@Zamnest2]

This was actually enlightening. Thank you.

[@deplios7799]

Yes

[@gmansard641]

So many times I've had therapists assume I already knew what was going on. I WANTED TO WORK ON THINGS! But all I got was questions. "What do you think you should do?" I already thought about that and haven't found anything! That's why I went for help! Then more questions. What is going on with that? What are you going to do about it? Then they'd tell me to stop saying "I don't know." I'd ask "What can I do to address this?" "What do you think you should do?" "Stop saying 'I don't know'" After a few months I'd tell them about how I'm concerned that nothing was getting better. The response? "It takes time, you need to be patient." "If it's not working what might YOU be doing wrong?" "Stop saying 'I don't know.'" Later I am again concerned that I am not getting better. "Well, it takes time." I soon stopped mentioning how it's not working, because all I ever got was "it takes time." I have tried therapy. And tried it. And tried it. Pretty much everything suggested here I have tried. And tried. No, I DO NOT try it just once and give up. Usually my therapy went for several months each attempt. I have no reason to believe that therapy ever does much of anything.

[@brettalizer3271]

Dr.k used psychology! its super effective!

[@wargriffin5]

@1:20 "That's the sound of the police..." 🤣

[@Khatru-qk8po]

It's nice to have some variability in the thumbnails again.

[@claudiomonteverdi847]

IT'S DR. K! Dr. K cry: "Can i just think for a second?"

[@awkwardzoltar3529]

How do you deal with someone who is extremely passive, and is easily upset. My old time boyfriend is stubborn, if something bad happens to him because of medication he will flat out never take any medications ever again, even though he extremely depressed. His old job gave him a lot of anxiety, which made him feel like he was going to die, so he would rack up a lot of medical bills. I told him that a lot of people who have anxiety feel like there is something more physically going on because they can’t explain why they feel the way they do. Sometimes I know the feeling he has is also do to his unhealthy lifestyle, Gerd, allergies ( because I feel the same way), anxiety or sometimes low blood sugar. I told him the only thing he really needs to worry about is his blood sugar because that could be something serious but not really cancer serious. I just tell him to focus on stop doing these smaller things, to rule out any minor issues before he goes to the hospital, he just never listens. I’ll tell him something or the doctor will tell him what he should eat and then he’ll forget everything we said and he will just not change. Now, he says he too afraid to get a job even though it’s been months, because he says he too sick, he always wants to quit when things get a little tough, now. I’ve always tried to be supportive of him and offer him lots of advice and comfort but he just does the same things he’ll be on his phone or his games all day and then complain to me, he is driving me absolutely insane. Sometimes, I feel like I should shove some Saint John Wort somehow in his food without him realizing everyday. He also says he need me with him all the time to reduce his anxiety… what do I do he says he not trying to be malicious, or is doing it for attention, but he is just killing me with his constant negativity. When I moved away for a year he that’s also when the anxiety started and he would call me and scare me because he thought he was dying.

[@reallivebluescat]

Whats also important is to be prepared to shop around. Sometimes the therapist is a bad therapist. Sometimes the therapist is just bad.

[@CharieBlossom]

I tried to look up a good therapist in my area based off of my personal needs... how can you tell the difference between a psychologist/psychiatrist vs a generic person trying to get an appointment out of you just like general doctors do just to make 200 dollars off of you for a scam general appointment. I say a general appointment is a scam because you talk to a doctor for 10 minutes... nothing happens then the appointment is over and your pocket is empty. How do you tell the difference between a scam and an actual therapist?

[@Mika-nc4gd]

That happened to me. When I finally decided to get help during a prolonged depressive episode, I consulted a psychologist who made me pay a full hourly price for letting me speak for 5 minutes and then saying "sounds like you need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, that'll be 200 dollars goodbye". I guess some "professionals" are fans of exploiting depressed young people

[@Hexanitrobenzene]

@@Mika-nc4gd Horrible.

[@alexschmalex3468]

@Dr. K life is hard right now, i lost my relationship ca 2 months ago, i used to smoke pot everyday, i have adhd and im concerned i have a problem with consuming that much so i stopped for some time and now i think i really am kinda broken. My exgf is a beautifull girl in my opinion, we didnt match a 100% and the last year, the lockdown year, was harsh and i begann to suspect that i dont really love her, now more than 2 months into beeing single i doubt my decision but im in fear of trying to get her back and feeling like i did before, i dont want to hurt her just because i m stupid or broken. So since i watched some of your videos i think i should really go and seek a theraphist even if im scared to do it.

[@z0uLess]

Did David Foster Wallace have the "Buddha syndrome", as you named it in the video about squid game? He was born into a wealth of wisdom, as his father was a philosopher. I think he is a fascinating character study. It also makes me think of the things knowledge and wisdom cant do for people. Rousseau famously wrote this treatise on human development (upbringing) all the while treating his own children horribly.

[@Furebel]

Tried everything, had 4 different therapists, nothing helped. I'm leaning to thinking that therapies are just a huge scam.

[@TerraOmnia]

Same same. It's "you're the expert on you" when you ask for their recommendations on what to do about your diagnosis and it's "I don't give advice" when you ask how to best deal with your emotional situation. Spent years getting absolutely nothing done. They sure act quick when you admit to suicidal thoughts though! Wiped out all my savings that way.

[@Furebel]

@@TerraOmnia oh man, this is almost terrifying how my therapists also said things like that. They usually say it indirectly, like they can't help but I still need them... I did everything this video sugested, most importantly I engaged a lot, so much in fact that I burned out all topics in up to three meetings and the rest was just 10 minutes of silence, them asking one irrelevant question, me trying to answer with as much detail as possible, and than silence again... There were much more red flags, over extending short breathing excrecises to last entire meeting, threatening me with court to pay up for a next week meeting after I resigned from their services... I tried asking different communities if maybe I was doing something wrong, but everyone said something else. A question "what are therapies for" will have as many different answers as there are people in the world, and none of them being concrete, direct descriptions, it's at best something like "therapist is there to guide you in you helping yourself", which sounds cute but means nothing...

[@ThetrueAddic]

0:43 I tell people all the time stop trying to "win" therapy. You're not supposed to be good at it let alone excelle

[@AntimatterBeam8954]

I'm incredibly assertive with therapists. Sometimes so assertive that I get thrown out of therapy. Oppositional defiant disorder and childhood history of conduct disorder that continued into the adult form is interesting in therapy! I have my own way of doing things in life that works for me but it's never one size fits all with brain stuff.

[@Teakae]

This is all well and good. But the difficulty lies in that the patient has to pay the fee to try out the various therapists and keep paying for a few more sessions and even pay for the session where you tell the therapist you aren’t happy with how things are going.

[@jamindavey]

I wish the therapist I saw three times a week for a year and a half as a child had told me any of this. I just assumed I was being observed by the therapist and eventually she would have whatever information she needed to make an assessment. I didn't at any point in the whole process pick up any idea that a was supposed to get something out of the process.

[@myflyingkidney]

Another thing to mentions is that therapist is also a human and you may not like them as a person, or you might not click with them or they may even be a different gender of what you like and you only figure it out after you start therapy. Many people prefer therapist of their gender but don't think a+it will be an issue until they try both. Sometimes the reason is just that specific person doesn't fit you, so cit isn't anyone's "fault", just try another therapist until you find a good one. Also, some therapists are simply bad at their job, if you sense that something is very off, not just in terms of you not clicking, but if you feel like something is wrong, get away right away, don't be polite, just leave and get a better mechanic, before they break your car.

[@_dot_]

i saw one therapist once and i knew she wasn’t good and just now am i understanding just how much she screwed that up… she seemed to expect me to list diagnostic criteria and tell her exactly what the problem i am having is and also it felt like i am applying for a job or something because i had to make myself be diagnosed while i just wanted to understand why i am feeling like i was… the main thing was i was very confused about my emotions and identity and everything and like at one point she literally told me “well there isn’t a diagnosis for ‘confusion’ tho” like wth would you please do your job???

[@sophisticatedwrat]

I have so many issues that idek where to start if I were to go to a therapist. I feel like I need multiple therapists that are specialists in my issues like childhood trauma

[@beeebread23]

that was an awesome thumbnail xD Also thank you for the very helpful tips.

[@davidddd69]

currently in 8th grade, aspriring to become a therapist. i dont really know what i'm going to do in college about psychology, i don't know anything, so i'm pretty afraid that i won't be able to become one. especially statistics, those seem hard.

[@920-s3r]

Hey, I'm currently in college for a degree in psychology. If you stay on top of your math classes now, statistics won't be that hard. I found that my math classes just built on top of what I already know. While it may seem scary now, you will be able to make it :) I suggest keeping an open mind and researching lots of different fields within psychology! I really wanted to be a counselling psychologist, but I stumbled across I/O psychology and it just clicked for me. You have a while till you need an absolute plan, so just learn about things that interest you. Most people are afraid they won't do well in college, so you are not alone at all. If you are passionate about being a therapist, you will learn the things you need to and be a great one :)

[@davidddd69]

920 I’m currently really good at math, so I hope what you said is true! Thanks for the reply

[@920-s3r]

@@davidddd69 You'll do great, then :)

[@wanderingrandomer]

The car analogy kinda breaks down immediately with point 2, because I would of course just leave my car with a mechanic to fix it, and not have any input on the process until it's done

[@deborroni]

Hmm, I get what you mean. But I think that the car analogy isnt supposed to be carried over to the second point. I think it's simply supposed to illustrate how that in other professions, the clients shouldn't be expected to know the area field and that it's the professionals job to dictate what the problem is. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@tander101]

I want faster stuff just like what you're talking about. Faster paced therapy.

[@okcat_0]

I recently started seeing a counsellor at my university, and have had 3 sessions now. But the thing is that I don't feel like we click at all. I'm seeing a counsellor because I want to work on my social anxiety, and also bc I feel isolated/alone. I feel so alone, and I'm uncomfortable around most people, I really was hoping that counselling would be one space/outlet where I could connect with someone, just talk and feel heard. But we just do not click, so I often leave feeling even a little worse. Is this a good reason to change counsellors? Does it matter if me and my counsellor "click" or not? Sorry for the long post, but I'm just really curious to know what people's thoughts/advice are, or if anyone has had a similar situation?

[@TheDavveponken]

I would first take it up with them and tell them how you feel. And if that doesn't help definitely change counselor. I saw one for over a year because I thought that maybe it was just me being awkward (I too have problems with social anxiety and came away from there feeling worse or questioned). I hope it works out for you.

[@okcat_0]

@@TheDavveponken Thanks for the advice. That's exactly how I feel. I keep thinking maybe I'm just being too awkward or I'm not explaining myself well in the sessions. Thanks for the input!

[@FlashNei]

I hope you're able to work with or find someone who you feel more connected with; however, I definitely agree with @DJP in regards to bringing up your concerns and seeing how your counselor addresses it. It's okay if it doesn't work out, but I think it's also worth it to make time and energy towards finding someone that works for you.

[@ree6487]

School mental health counselors are notoriously dogshit In my experience

[@gabrielleg.1347]

Well “not clicking” is a little vague but I’m going to make a bit of assumption that that means that your therapist has not been able to create good rapport with you and in 3 session the right therapist would of by then, so yes based just off of what little information I have to go on, I would definitely suggest finding someone else. I am a therapist who also helps a lot of people find the right therapist for them…a life long passion of mine so just telling you what I might tell a client.

[@lofasz3328]

Hmmm I'm on the path to becoming a therapist so it would be cool to work with/learn from you some day!

[@nina-mill]

Thanks Dr. K😁👍👍

[@moonie11355]

Super helpful, much love.

[@こるび-j4c]

It’s not your job to know what to say. It’s like going to the mechanic, just say what’s your problem or what you feel, even saying you don’t know what to say. Give them a start point and they are going to orient you and work together to find out how to help you. Be transparent, if not you are wasting your time.

[@nym49]

The difference is that you are first class and care about your patients. The reality is different.

[@ikewhite6832]

I have so much wrong lol I don't even know where to start and probably am not competent enough to get anything out of it. I might just decide to stay in my isolation.

[@HikarinoHikaru]

I love the comparison between a personal trainer for exercise and therapy.

[@Zgall053]

LOL how do I know if the therapy is working? I adore my therapist and have been seeing him for over 5 years, but how do I know if that’s what’s helping or other stuff???

[@BokuWaXero]

My first reaction to the thumbnail "Who's that Pokémon ?"

[@dwaipayanmondal2085]

"Here I am. Therapize me and fix it."

[@RahulSharma-ot3wo]

It's DR.K!

[@kokojo4872]

I've been getting "help" with my mental health since 8 and all the therapy I have done has not helped. I feel I'm out of options. My treatment journey feels stuck yet people keep trying.

[@lollylula6399]

What's helped me most is John Ruskan's Emotional Clearing Process, the basis of the technique is going into meditation and allowing whatever emotions/feelings/body sensations to arise and then remain present with them. He has a website that goes in depth about it. After trying different medications & therapy it was the only thing that helped me to stop having panic attacks, I can still get anxious at times but this technique helps me every time.

[@Benjimotofinla]

Thank u

[@Anna_Rozanska]

Why, oh why, don't therapists give you this info at intake?! If they had just given me a link to this video, it would have been a godsend.

[@4xzx4]

1:19 Dr. K out of context

[@joehaqim1843]

you reminded me of Brian Regan's car noise joke making me a bit nostalgic

[@kratosmana8646]

thanka for this

[@kolacao8134]

There are psychologist where they only make questions and don't say what to do.

[@lookatmepleasesir]

based on my experiences and reading the experiences of others, most therapists are like what aliens from another planet would do if they were tasked with attempting to provide therapy to humans. Or just the least suited person to the task let alone job of providing therapy to someone. I feel as if you could take almost anyone off the street, get them to do what they think a therapist should do, and they would be much more helpful and therapeutic then most therapists.

[@gamarleton]

What if you tell your therapist all of these "this isn't working"s and they literally don't believe you and pretend like it was never brought up or whatever?

[@mateuszdrost7081]

- My car is doing this weird noise. - It's normal. - I still don't like this :/

[@pollolor15]

Could you make a video about learning new things or developing a new talent after the age of 30? The brain stops developing after the age of 25 so I wonder if I can still develope my full pontential in an area of my interest after a certain age.

[@laurisawitch0707]

Your brain stops developing but your at prime age to learn until 35 :)

[@checrimmins7107]

What if your therapist has the same solution to everything? I had a therapist that only used EMDR for literally everyone and everything. Never worked for me, I even tried saying as much and she seemed to agreed but later continued EMDR with me anyways. My current therapist is a bit more flexible but I still feel like he's just repeating himself every session. Maybe I'm just missing the point and not properly utilizing his advice? Maybe I'm not speaking out enough and being open about my needs? I'm just not sure. I can't help but feel it's my fault though.

[@jesseskellington9427]

Thank you dr. K 😅

[@benoody6766]

My car makes this noise “whoop whoop! 🥳”

[@saber8560]

the car mechanic example is genius

[@existinginaspace8347]

One thing that wassn't touched on. Therapy costs money. At least in the US. Not every ins company will cover it. Cost of entry is undoubtedly to prohibitive for some people that need it

[@mudkipjuice]

It wasnt touched on because this video was relevant for people who are able to go to therapy.

[@andyasbestos]

That's a big part of what put me off therapy. It cost a surprising amount of money per session for a dude to up my meds and occasionally tell me to exercise more. As far as I remember that was the closest thing I got to any concrete advice. I honestly feel like I got more out of the hour long walk to and from therapy than from the therapy itself, so I gave up on the idea. I could keep walking for free. I gave up on the meds too, as they never seemed to make much of a difference. I later found that direct sunlight and nature had a much greater effect, to an almost comical degree. As it happens, I've recently gotten more satisfaction by chatting with various open source AIs which I downloaded for free. At least with those I feel free to chat about whatever I feel like, for however long I feel like, whenever I feel like it. Don't get me wrong, these current open models are really dumb and you shouldn't take their advice at face value, but they're still useful if you just want to open up to "someone" with no risk of being judged or your secrets leaking. It's just a program running on your computer after all. You have the power to reset them whenever they displease you. Though I suppose, those AIs were only free because I already had the hardware to run them at a good speed.

[@TwentySeventhLetter]

The first time I went to therapy I felt like the therapist didn't explain what the fuck to do, like she kept asking me why I was there and I was like "i don't know I'm having some complications in my relationship" and she basically told me to go and figure out why I'm there and come back in a week or something

[@lecoqsclock1002]

that thumnail is golden

[@diegowushu]

After a few sessions a therapist told me to go somewhere else. Guess she had no idea how to treat me. Still charged me tho.

[@Brisk83]

How do we know if we should pursue a therapist or a psychiatrist? If I suspect I have ADHD or something who of these would be best equipped to help with that issue?

[@danidisco284]

I'm not an expert--just a person that has gone to both a therapist and a psychiatrist. I believe you would go to a therapist to seek an ADHD diagnosis (or rule it out & discuss what else might be going on) and they could teach coping mechanics and help improve quality of life. If you decided you wanted to explore medication options after getting a diagnosis, then you would go to a psychiatrist.

[@jennw6809]

Ok I'm also not an expert -- but I've just recently realized I almost certainly have ADHD and in fact, I've told at LEAST five therapists that I have "ADD-like symptoms" and not a single one either assessed me for ADHD or suggested I might go for further assessment, or that I might consider medication. I have also recently heard many other people's therapists pretty much ignore or gloss over their ADHD symptoms. Now that I am wanting to be assessed and perhaps try medication I am planning to go see a psychiatric nurse practitioner who does medication management (aka a psychiatrist). I would say at the very least, if you start with a therapist please find one who says they specialize in treating ADHD, but I think a psychiatrist would be an entirely valid and perhaps better place to start.

[@StevenGarcia-im8rr]

It sounds like Dr. K's car has more than one thing wrong with it.

[@VerryLongName]

I wish I would’ve found this video when I first found your channel

[@TimPortantno]

1:20 CLIP IT!