How to cope with a critical parent: managing your inner critic and your parent

[@deathuponusalll]

I never knew how much my vulnerable narc father kept me from getting the most from life until I realized his constant criticism created this horrible inner critic, once I got rid of that everything got so much easier. Therapy has been a lifesaver

[@drruthannharpur]

I’m glad you found therapy so helpful in coping with your inner critic ❤️. This channel is a place where people with NPD and narcissistic traits seek information that can help them in their journeys too so please don’t use terms like “narc” in the comments as most would consider it to be a slur. Thank you.

[@deathuponusalll]

@@drruthannharpur I had no idea it was seen that way, i think that’s one of the differences between your channel and most others that talk about narcissism and children of narcissists. You don’t see that compassion elsewhere.

[@drruthannharpur]

@@deathuponusalll thank you for being so gracious. Trying to be a compassionate resource in a sea of hate. I’m not the only one thankfully! ❤️

[@ReginaelizabethFrancis]

My father never amounted to much. He lived in his dad's house and inherited it after his parents died. Then sold our ancestral wealth to pay the bills. He spends his time calling my siblings and our cousins a failure because we haven't become enormously successful at the ages of 21-28. He tells me life is difficult and all and I think wtf is he saying??... he didn't build anything from what he got. Chose the most far away job with least pay to avoid spending time with us and we went through hell money wise and mental health wise in our childhood. Suddenly we are all losers and failures because we are not at the top of the ladder in our early 20s. He keeps saying we are really old now to do anything with our life. I guess this us projection and serious unhappiness in what he had done in his life.

[@Drew.P.Todger]

My dad drives me mad with constant criticism. He treats me like I’m 5 years old and don’t know anything about anything. Even things I’ve been doing for years… he’ll come along and tell me I’m doing it wrong and give me awful advice about it. 🤷‍♂️

[@drruthannharpur]

@@Drew.P.Todger thank you for commenting! I hope you find this video helpful with your dad! Give yourself the well done you needed to hear from him 🙏

[@Drew.P.Todger]

Thanks for making this content. I’m going to be prepared next time and have the talk with him.

[@drruthannharpur]

@@Drew.P.Todger you're welcome, glad it's helpful and hope you're able to cope better with him

[@bell1095]

Doesn’t the problem begin much earlier ? The young child before starting to speak or to argue, already quietly depicts how the narc mother used to treat her husband, or the narc father his wife, or even both parents in a toxic manner each. That child had the forced as close opportunity to learn the specific spectrum of narc behavior as „the family’s standard“, how to cope with it, how to manage to survive, even before he becomes the parents object of mental incest. Typicaly such child will later feel uncertain and unable to discern between beeing subject or object or disapreciated at all.

[@drruthannharpur]

This channel is a place where anyone with experience of navigating narcissism whether in themselves or in those close to them are welcome, including people with NPD. We all need to communicate respectfully. The term “narc” is a slur and I will delete any further comments that use this term.

[@chilloften]

This is beautiful. Thank you. I hope I can be so slick with MY words. Use MY words, over the react. 😘

[@pdquestions7673]

I had never heard of the schema / mode theory, so I never thought to identify a "healthy adult" mode, but I did discover the "watcher / narrator" & that has helped me with my own reactive modes, as well as the modes of my parents... including the critical modes. Once I realized my parents were operating out of their own modes, and once I realized that my reactions were coming from my own modes... I had that distance to see everything playing out as an interaction between reactive modes & stopped taking the dynamic personally, and that really helped me recover a healthier attitude toward my parents as people. I don't know if this is intended in true schema therapy, but in my case, when I identified more with the watcher / narrator, that did have the effect of depersonalizing me (a bit) from all the dynamics and interactions of the reactive elements in myself and others. That distance of depersonalization really helped give me space to see things without being entirely participatory, and that has given me space to have a much more humane appreciation of my parents and others. Granted, when the storm intensifies past a certain level, my reactive elements start to occupy the bulk of my identity and I start to repersonalize everything... and I can feel I'm taking things way too personally again... So, even with this arrangement, I do still have limits & still haven't come up with the "meta safeguard" to see it coming ... or, alternatively, to have a master coping mechanism for moments when I'm suddenly taking things way too personally. Definitely a challenging path, but well worth taking 🙂

[@drruthannharpur]

Wendy Behary who developed schema therapy for NPD talks a lot about developing a narrator mode who can take a step back and understand what is going on for us and potentially other people so we get a good perspective on it before we respond. It can help us recognise where our own reactivity is coming from and to consider what might be going on "behind the scenes" for someone else. E.g. we might guess the hyper critical person is acting from a place of fear or shame rather than intentionally making us feel small. What you're saying fits well with Wendy's perspective on this!

[@pdquestions7673]

@@drruthannharpur -- Very interesting. This sounds like a really promising approach for NPDs. It might be counterintuitive to try to depersonalize on purpose, but I believe it's important for all people to have the benefit of space... because, at least in my case, space is exactly what allows me the room & opportunity to have even the possibility of deliberating and meaningfully assessing what's happening in tense moments. Obviously, when I'm calm it's not so hard to have deliberation... so this is a really important tool for situations where we really are activated. In the end, I've embraced the notion that I'm plural 🙂 (an idea I never would have considered in the past)

[@drruthannharpur]

@@pdquestions7673 taking a narrator mode is essential in highly emotional situations. It’s exactly what I do in therapy sessions if someone is really activating for me so I can take a step back and get a handle on what’s happening and when I did my couples therapy training, every session the trainer said… if in doubt, just comment on what’s happening in front of you. It’s good advice. It means you can think and intentionally choose what you do rather than reacting impulsively from a coping mode - exactly as you describe. Imho schema one of the most promising approaches for NPD.

[@pdquestions7673]

@@drruthannharpur -- it's really that simple... I'm glad there are simple, easy-to-find anchors out there, for those of struggling with PDs, and also for the therapists who have to enter very activating situations. BTW my mom's a psychiatrist, so I have some idea what it must be like -- I guess you need to really have your tools to avoid getting pulled into the fray 🙂 BTW, was schema developed specifically for NPD, or is it designed for various conditions?

[@drruthannharpur]

@@pdquestions7673 it was originally developed for people with long standing, more personality driven problems. It has been tailored and used most for people with borderline personality disorder but it’s also used for NPD, in forensic populations and with couples. It’s a very flexible model imho. There’s an interview with Wendy Behary on my channel if you scroll back. It was the first video I made and I was really anxious about it so imho not my best but Wendy is 👌. Jacob (Nameless Narcissist) did one with her recently too.

[@NayirahH]

what if you have all the modes? 😅

[@drruthannharpur]

@@NayirahH we all have lots of modes... but we need a good manager in charge of the control panel 😉

[@jkytpeace]

My two parents are super critical. One is a righteous narcissist that I believe learnt to be simpler and honest and clean .. from his childhood and I believe has also taken on a fake identity upon himself .. for some reason that I don’t quite know. Some sort of overcompensation. The other is a classic narcissist sometimes malignant but totally manipulative, charming etc. She seems to have an incessant need to dominate and treat people as inferior to her. For this one I know that it came from an overcompensation of feeling inferior and not good when she met her parents and family for the first time. They are generally good people but when they act superior .. one in how he is so honest and simple .. criticizing everything else as dishonest or when the other resorts to dominating chastising behavior .. I get severely triggered. Many times I just cut the conversations immediately and shut it down. Over the years I haven’t found any better way to cope with it.