Do "narcissists" hurt you deliberately

[@pdquestions7673]

I think we should really contemplate the connection between Narcissistic Engrossment (in fantasy) and Rage / Abuse / Meanness. I don't think it's just a coincidence that they often come together. The tendency to be engrossed in fantasy is, itself, (I think) a state of impaired autonomy... maybe the connections w the pre-frontal cortex are reduced when we're in engrossment, maybe it's a regression to an infantile state. But, whatever it is, it is a more primitive state, and we don't have the same overall executive regulation when we're engrossed. But when I look at dogs, when they're engrossed in their dogbowl (while feeding), it's amazing how easily their rage is triggered if you just touch their bowl or slightly move it. This might be a way of understanding how touchy NPDs are when anything about the "dogbowl" of their fantasy engrossment is threatened. No matter how "cool" and and "competent" a person appears, if they're in any kind of fantasy engrossment, we should assume there's an analogy to a god enjoying it's food, and we should be very careful about approaching the dogbowl... in the end, the engrossment seems like a competent state, when we see the NPD person in a state of satisfaction... but in reality it's an impaired state, I think... from my experience.

[@Smokillo]

It is totally a regressed state and it is shameful

[@DZ-jz8bj]

Dogs are animals who cant themself control their behavior. Narcissit choose to abuse behind closed doors, and not in public.

[@daisybrown3819]

Thank you for this. Very understanding and helpful . I' was diagnosed with npd many years ago and have seen so many negative vids on KZbin about this

[@fishstickbio594]

ABSOLUTELY …I am watching a channel by a narcissist and he says they know hat they are doing and they are doing things on purpose ….( nameless narcissist channel ) .a female will never be safe or loved by a narcissist ever …doesn’t matter how much therapy they do ) …

[@fluffymajestic4589]

Oh my goodness, I’ve been searching and searching and searching for a voice like this. I was raised by narcissistic parents, and I just always knew deep in my soul, that to be able to find empathy and compassion and forgiveness would be the way that we could all be free. I have absolutely not been able to find this anywhere on the Internet until now. Thank you. The truth is so unbelievably important. I hated my parents for so long, because I thought they were telling me the truth. I thought that when they were attacking me and insulting me, that those were real things. I developed OCD because I believed I couldn’t sense what was real, their judgments of me were so off, but they were my parents. I had to believe them. And they were good moments. So I think it is so critical to allow people to understand that this is a series of defenses they developed. Attacking as part of their defense. Pushing you away is part of their defense. Humiliating you as part of their defense. And then I can get some space and forgive them. And importantly, know that they weren’t right about me. No I’m not just too stupid. No I’m not inferior to my siblings and don’t deserve love. They had a disorder and they are still people with wonderful qualities. But dammit, so am I. This truth is very helpful.

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you for commenting - it means a lot to hear this 🙏 I hope you're able to find peace in yourself and in your relationship with your parents ❤️‍🩹

[@iuliadragos2611]

So why should I be a victim because these people suffer from a very tragic mental illness? P.s.: he used lying to hurt me, so sory, but the victim blaming does not really apply here

[@coreoflife]

Yes, tragic is a good way to describe it. I miss my narc. I'm not sure how to reach out to him and say how much meaning he brings into my life. In spite of his internal sufferings, I know I will never understand all, and that is alright that I don't, but I do understand myself and that I could be there, with strong boundaries. There are parts he has trusted me with and shared, those are the parts that mean so much more. I may never see all, but the whole of him is what I love and I accept all.

[@drruthannharpur]

🙏don’t forget to take care of yourself too … he needs to do his part to let himself begin to receive your care and to choose treat you with kindness if you’re to have a functioning relationship

[@JessCyph]

I relate to this very much. I miss my pwNPD, too. So much.

[@mac1291]

Exactly. At its core is shame and vulnerability. If I ever sound critical, I’m sorry. I really don’t have the words for how much I appreciate you and Dr Mark. Without both of you, I’d not have any opposing voices against the overwhelming amount of people who almost equate having NPD with being a criminal.

[@drruthannharpur]

🙏 thank you Mac. I also have much appreciation and admiration for Dr Mark ❤️

[@DZ-jz8bj]

Because it should be criminal. They do crimes which arent legally able to be punished for, for now. I hope it will change in future so we can sue them for all the torture and suffering they put us throught purposely.

[@mac1291]

@@DZ-jz8bj I’m done with people that put the abuse that other people have done to them on an entire group of people. Address your own issues with the people you need to address it with and leave the rest of us the hell out of it. Abuse can destroy a person but it’s abusive to turn your trauma into a reason to abuse other traumatized people who may or may not have hurt others. You don’t have to have a personality disorder to be abusive.

[@DZ-jz8bj]

@@mac1291 You didn't realize that all narcissists are the same? Because I used to have compassion, thinking that maybe not all narcissists are the same, till I got burned for so many times. They really are all the same. Things they do are NOT coming from disorder. Becasue disorder don't disctate you "abuse this person behind the closed door", "make from her the bad guy". They are all the same and they dont deserve any compassion because what they do IS intentional.

[@mac1291]

@@DZ-jz8bj I too have been destroyed by narcissists but I still stand by what I said

[@DZ-jz8bj]

Having compassion for the abuser is not right. You presented it here as if they were tortured souls but they decided to go into relationships, fake their personality, lie, etc just to get their needs met. Exploiting people and so on. Provoking others to cause them emotional distress ON PURPOSE. Triangulating people on purpose. Doing anything to break their spirit.

[@WillaHerrera]

I feel like you've never been the victim of a narcissistic rage because you could never make excuses for the absolute soul crushing hateful meanest things they can think up. I've never come so close to eliminating my self than after being attacked by my sickening twin brothers narcissistic rage.

[@iuliadragos2611]

Do you know what is funny? You may believe my comment, you may not. I know for my part that I don't usually believe comments online. But I can tell you that the narcissist has scorned, belittled, "even bullied " me, retraumatizing me. On purpose? Yes, on purpose, calculated and being very aware of what he was doing. So if they do hurt people on purpose? I don't know if he hurts everybody on purpose, give them the right conditions and they won't neglect them

[@mfrancisco_850]

amazing video wow

[@MarinaM-o6p]

WITHOUT A DOUBT.

[@mokc913]

I'm searching for more clinicians like you, Dr. Mark Ettensohn, and Dr. Kirk Honda that provide empathetic views toward people suffering from personality disorders like NPD (while also importantly holding them accountable, when need be!). Would you happen to have any recommendations for other channels? I'm a year late to this video but am glad I found ya! I'll be making my way through more of your content this week:)

[@drruthannharpur]

Lovely to meet you and thank you for commenting! Check out Wendy Behary (she has done a lot of interviews on other channels so worth just searching her name on KZbin or Spotify as she's been a guest on lots of podcasts) and BorderlinerNotes has a lot of fantastic content from expert clinicians.

[@JessCyph]

Why isn’t it helpful when we are vulnerable with narcissists first?

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

It probably is helpful for them initially and that's why they enter into a relationship w/ us. It's down the line when problems come in that things get complicated and more destructive.

[@maxmustermann7453]

Dear Ruth, your content is valuable and you are a very likeable person, too. But the way you speak makes one nervous. It is kind of breathless. You even cut the pauses between sentences. It makes your videos difficult to take in. Please leave space for your thoughts! ;) Many thanks for your contribution anyway!

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

I think that may be your own anxiety. Dr. Ruth Ann has her own unique cadence, but I don't find it breathless or overly fast. I definitely don't find it makes me nervous either.

[@sushmasinha8054]

Yes they hurt deliberately

[@rockybalboa4593]

Thank you for this insightful explanation. May I please ask what would cause someone to become a malignant narcissist in particular? Could being sexually abused in childhood lead to the development of this condition?

[@drruthannharpur]

Nobody really knows … I suspect a combination of genetic vulnerability, extreme abuse and neglect and a wider social environment in which nobody can be trusted and where being out for yourself alone is a survival tactic. This dips further into the forensic world than my clinical experience but the good news is I have a colleague who I hope to interview about this soon 🤞

[@mac1291]

@@drruthannharpur that would match with my experience…just saying🙂

[@drruthannharpur]

@@mac1291 which bit in particular?

[@mac1291]

@@drruthannharpur well, genetic vulnerability - I’m very sensitive in general, physically and emotionally. My mother was very emotionally abusive and occasionally physically abusive and because of that, I became so severely withdrawn that I had no outside support either because I could barely look someone in the eye at times let alone develop a friendship ( too complicated to really explain) and I definitely developed a view that I was all I could rely on. I still do feel that way because sometimes it’s not just perception, it becomes reality when there’s too much damage.

[@drruthannharpur]

@@mac1291 I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through and wish you healing and genuine connection 🙏

[@carriebell3566]

I agree with this. It’s actually very sad to live with the disorder.

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you for commenting 🙏