How to De-Escalate a Meltdown with a Pathologically Demand Avoidant (PDA) Child: 8 Steps.

[@tempa04]

What should I do if he's in a habit of kicking me and hurting me in these moments?

[@NeurodivergentMom]

The tips here are very helpful. Especially reframing it too a panic attack. And leaning on the spiritual help. Thanks

[@heatherwallace3397]

I wish I had seen this years aho to release my guilt! I have always felt bad bc we didn't "co regulate" like neurotypical children. No helping them breathe and holding/hugging. I was confident that these steps you mentioned were what MY son needed yet felt guilty because I felt like other therapists were saying if you weren't doing xyz when your child had a meltdown then you were traumatizing your child

[@shelleyD795]

I love you helpful content, thank you

[@Random_name_42]

Thank you for sharing

[@thomashansen440]

lol when my mom would say the same thing ahh that game always makes you loose , i was like hell yeah i fucking hate this game but i still like to play it (back when i was 8) im 27 now going on 28 and my moms 67 and dad died back in 2009

[@amandaloveless4369]

My son has a ton of demand avoidance issues. He will be 10 soon. Anyway … He has always blamed objects for things. He’s never grown out of it. We’ve always corrected him and reminded him that he’s the one in control which just upsets him more sometimes. I kind of feel like an asshole … he’s such a smart kid that he knows it’s not actually whatever objects fault when he says it. I’m so used to parenting a certain way, ya know?

[@grannypb1]

This sounds like what my eight year-old granddaughter goes to, and my son is more of an authoritarian than my daughter-in-law, and so without a diagnosis I think he might be escalating things. What can I do to speak to him about this, without giving his advice or shaming him my outcomeis really about her and her mental health and safety

[@shericehudgins226]

Is it okay to provide a different calming object after the meltdown which doesn't include an electronic device? It appears to be asked for after meltdowns and it feels strange offering that after violence has occurred and another sibling was harmed. That's a hard one to explain to the other kids in the house.

[@katieayoub7842]

We had to change the way we treated devices as a family. Because they are my sons best regulator we stopped seeing them as a reward or privilege and treat them as an aid/tool for everyone in the family. Kind of like how we don’t take away peoples ability to use the stove because they hit their sibling. Tablets/phones and video games are now neutral and not ever used as a punishment or taken away as a consequence. Rather we set guidelines for responsible and safe use.

[@LeahIrby]

I'm with @@katieayoub7842 on this one. I used to try not to use screen time at all until my child got to burnout and I started to realize that it was actually regulating. The amount of meltdowns has decreased and my child is way less likely to be violent with me now. The screen time has helped him to find a way to regular himself. I think for a PDA child its something that they can absolutely have all the control with. Which video to watch and how long to watch it for. So much of life for a child are things they don't get to choose, so it is actually a very regulating thing. You can still set limits on what is used and which things they have access to on the screens.

[@JebuIsuka]

I wish I had this info when my teens were toddlers T.T

[@papermoon1]

Helpful. But I have to touch my daughter, she’s 18 now, and although it’s reduced, her self harm is dangerous, she smashes her head full force off walls. It used to be daily. It’s now approx monthly. I have to stop her doing it, one time she nearly smashed it off the sink but screamed me to help her not do it - the only time she asked for help to not do it. She’s knocked herself unconscious before. She also punches herself in face and has regular black eyes. If I’m there when it happens I stop her. How could I not? It’s devastating to witness. Meds have helped. Low / zero demands and increased autonomy has helped but taken 2 yrs to come out of severe trauma / burn out. She is also physically disabled and has chronic unmanaged pain. This adds to her low window of tolerance. But how to guide? She uses cannabis to help cope with pain, but she’s now addicted. She’s 18. She has severe PDA. As soon as I mention reducing or negatives about cannabis it activates her nervous system. She wasn’t diagnosed until 15. I feel we are almost too late to have a positive impact.

[@jenheartbeawesome]

I'd get your daughter a brain scan if she is open to she what centers of her brain are dim or activated. This can shoe other things that may be causing the extreme self violence. I used to self harm especially when I perceived abandonment; couldn't cope woth the trauma of it. She may have other self harm triggers could be trauma nervous system could be dietary which increases pain. Her physical disability does she have medical trauma or does her physical disability have a neurological component. Random story a read a story of a woman who one day her behavior became violent in her 20s turned out she was having a type of stroke caused by viral infection in her brain I believe. Getting tested may be a challenge if she has medical trauma. Sending love & hugs to you & your daughter & finding solutions.

[@thomashansen440]

im real sorry to hear that .... i do that every now and then ,my mother hates it but i would rather do it to myself than do it to the only person left in my life-everything that you have siad that your daughter does i do.... i hate doing it but i got so much stuff kinda messed upstairs and i know it but its hard so to control ,i hope it gets better for you guys.i dont know you but i love you from the bottom of my heart.

[@shelleyD795]

My child tends to want to be alone in their room with their iPad. I do worry they’ll feel alone/lonely. I tell them I’m here (near by/they message me on my phone) when/if they need me.

[@jefferyalpha803]

They may get better if you continue to not put pressure on them. Keep loving them where they are at. This is hard.

[@katieayoub7842]

My son is like this too. I find asking about his shows or watching along with him from time to time really helps. We even found a game on his switch we can occasionally play together. I step into his world rather than trying to pry him out of his.