How To Deal With A Selfish Spouse - Gary Chapman

[@FashnKween]

This is great for people who want to listen to each other. It doesn't seem to work with a selfish partner who doesn't care about your feelings.

[@grinchisangma2322]

True

[@bsblnp5176]

So true, my husband is so selfish and i can't even have conversation with him, even when i tell him what i want my married to be like, all he care about is himself what he want in the end of the day. its all about him.

[@FashnKween]

@@bsblnp5176 It may be time to find yourself a better partner

[@geebee8989]

If the man is providing for you and protecting you he automatically is selfless. To do those things requires think of the other. What are you doing? Do you provide? Do you protect?

[@FashnKween]

@@geebee8989 that's not always true. A man can provide you with a roof and still be abusive.

[@politereminder6284]

This works for normal people, not for abusive people. Sometimes the other person is the problem.

[@neohermitist]

Agree. You see these nitwits with the "just give them love and don't think about what you should be getting out of marriage" and you realize these people live in La La Land.

[@Bluesnakes333]

Thank you for this. I communicated for 7 yrs that we need change. I changed myself for the better (that’s the only thing in my control) & it takes me a great deal to keep up everyday. But, my partner was and is not willing to improve himself to come to a solution. His selfishness is damaging, fighting almost daily. No way to live life.

[@gillymac9363]

I'm in the same position. I just want to crawl to freedom before I combust with exhaustion and disintegration. Wishing you well x

[@kingwillie206]

I have tried everything and my partner is just plain lazy and selfish. I said “if we count the 3 massages per week for over a decade, the number of times I went down on you and took care of your needs, then compared it to how many times you have done the same, what do you think the outcome would be?” No answer………Then I asked 99% to 1% and that is being generous. If such is the case, how is that sustainable? No answer. I believe she’s so entitled and delusional that she doesn’t even realize how selfish she intuitively is. No nurturing or affection, even when I was injured for a couple of weeks after a construction accident. Not even so much as a back rub or a few encouraging words. Now I just face my wall and go to sleep.

[@melbee5767]

Same boat 😔 and he won't leave.

[@crystallee3576]

Same! I have become exhausted and hopeless. I feel as if the kids will be in a better environment separated but I’ve invested so much and wouldn’t know the first step in moving forward as a single parent but as of now, I feel I have no choice. Prayers to all!🙏🏾

[@neohermitist]

According to this Mr. Chapman, just stay with it, love conquers all. YOU'RE being selfish if you think you should get anything out of marriage.

[@YuraCura2006]

the sad thing is, when I show this to my husband - he will only say "so you're admitting you're selfish then?" ... when I would be showing this to him to show him how he's made me feel all these years... and it isn't getting better. I would show him things like this or read him things like this only to react as "ok. iv'e read/seen it. whats your point?" ... i', past frustrated at this point...im apathetic.

[@jm4236]

Sounds like he doesn't care. You need to accept that and move on.

[@Langley_Ackerman19]

Leave him. We can't fix broken toys. This pandemic has shown us how short life is. Would you rather be miserable or be happy, content and fulfilled for how long you live in this earth?

[@Langley_Ackerman19]

@P B Absolutely

[@kingwillie206]

What specifically makes him selfish?

[@walkingwithjesus1353]

See if he's a covert narcissist

[@himanshumishra5098]

What if u r married for 12 years and always tried to adjust n adapt according to the other person but he doesn't even see it forget appreciate it... He takes everything for granted... Find a solution yes... Easier said than done wen dealing with a narcissist... Who never realises anything ☹️

[@mizrahimsephardi5214]

It is time to commence your own journey to happiness and i don.t mean divorce, but once you find something to do that enriches your life, you will realize how little his behavior will affect you, he will take notice and come around. Trust me nobody wants to be number two.

[@GhislaineMutombo]

Have you left? Wishing you happiness.

[@imaamericangirl1406]

@@mizrahimsephardi5214curious as to how this looks in real life. Mine gets jealous of my happiness and looks for opportunities to find flaws or to put me down and to diminish my happiness.

[@mamafoxoffour7859]

@@mizrahimsephardi5214I have literally come to this conclusion today. I am tired of trying to work it out or fix it. He won’t leave or even divorce nor try to make any changes. But if I just channel that same energy into working on me and the things I love, he will either change or leave. And I shouldn’t be too affected if I’ve done the work on myself. I’ll be ok either way.

[@emerymyers7748]

It’s that way for men sometimes too. I don’t win arguments, and am most likely to blame. It’s just my life now. Try to thrive, even when you’re struggling. 23 years has taught me to be the “support person”, I’ll never be the center of attention, it’s more important to my spouse, and I love her, so I want her to be the center of it all. I’ll just be the “background guy”. Acceptance has helped me

[@catbee1452]

But al of this must work both ways. For myself, my husband has been selfish for decades and I'm miserable. Not because I'm 'selfish' that I'm miserable, but because, plain and simple, he's made me miserable.

[@alex-vh2vd]

nice... but im not staying with no1 who is selfish and miserable. if i had 2 lives yea but 1 only have 1

[@momof1150]

The book, The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle was a game changer in my marriage. You can only work on yourself.

[@gillymac9363]

Will check it out, thanks

[@shunterrielsimpson11]

Thanks❤

[@imaamericangirl1406]

Does it encourage divorce or a way to happily survive within the marriage? Just curious. Thanks.

[@momof1150]

@@imaamericangirl1406It really does neither. It was more of a self improvement book on giving me a set of skills on how to interact with husband to ensure a positive response. I’m not affiliated with the group, but can testify that the skills do work. I’m happily married now 44 years and just a few years ago I was ready to leave. I listened to the book on my library’s Hoopla App so I didn’t initially buy the book, but since then, have bought copies for friends. Hope this helps. 🙏

[@femaligned]

@@imaamericangirl1406how to survive within the marriage

[@patiencesilva]

But what if this is one sided? I’ve always had mutually respectful relationships, but with someone who only thinks of himself (this is him saying it) he doesn’t consider me or my feelings. So when I ask to understand, he loves it, only he doesn’t care to understand. He wants me to smile and be Happy with the breadcrumbs he offers. It’s beyond lonely. He wasn’t like this until we married. Do i give up and leave, or stay knowing he doesn’t care to give me love for whatever reason? He doesn’t want a divorce, yet not sure how to love. It’s confusing and I need guidance.

[@neohermitist]

Focus on the Family doesn't care about that.

[@patiencesilva]

@@neohermitist you’re right

[@imaamericangirl1406]

I feel the same way. Hugs

[@qladyjean-francois2793]

I’m tired of marriage and all the disrespect

[@shsmbgreed9789]

Me toooo

[@sheetala7230]

Me too... Add Me !

[@sarahs7751]

We definitely married the wrong person.

[@sheetala7230]

@@sarahs7751 then we should get out of this else fix ourselves to take the further nonsense from them ...

[@anissaholmes4495]

Me too. I’m over any idea of love or romance.

[@s1n4m1n]

Gary Chapman absolutely knows the research that up to 70% of all problems in a marriage cannot be resolved. This has been known for quite some time.

[@lydiabothwell2349]

Let's spend our energy looking for a solution, rather than spending our energy trying to win the argument.

[@coopervik34]

Not everybody have a mindset like you .

[@melbee5767]

The issue is sometimes one person won't even try to compromise

[@catbee1452]

I've tried for decades to find a solution 'together'. I found us counselors to see and I did my homework. He would start off sounding like he was going to work at it, but his freakin' job was always his excuse not work at solutions. It's not about winning the argument. It never was. I needed for him to hear me, to SEE me, but he couldn't care less.

[@catbee1452]

@@melbee5767 Apparently its our fault too, when the other spouse won't even try.

[@achach5055]

My partner turns it on me! It is impossible with her. She just goes into denial, its not even safe to bring up an issue

[@zolekahatitongwe6595]

I thought l was the only one

[@jm4236]

Yup. Get away....run. It's never going to change.

[@MegaPerson012345]

This happens to me, but by my husband. :'(

[@deeveevideos]

If you're not married leave. If not remember it's better to lose so you win. And grow with love and patience. And if you follow Christ he will give that to you

[@obafemihart4218]

@@deeveevideos so what if you dont follow christ?

[@jess77surfs]

What if the person is making you physically sick??

[@imaamericangirl1406]

@sdfighter6021so sorry.

[@ShayJones-nf8ff]

A man can make you physically sick just by his presence husbands I mean if you marry a selfish man my aunt use to be married to one now she don't have major health problems she is free mine body spirit if anyone gets married make sure you have the money to leave before you marry because 9 times out of 10 you will be sick of him

[@thechamp8231]

It’s us against the problem, not us against each other

[@normaneperez]

I needed to hear that. Thank you.

[@s731s]

Thank you for this!! My only complaint? It was too short 😊😊😊

[@saltycat662]

Seems like many people here aren't married to just a selfish person but rather a narcissist. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!

[@Skeijeindi]

My husband thinks only of him. Everytime I ask for more care he gets angry and leave

[@yvonneschwartz3929]

Leave him or get another man. You will see how fast a guy start changing when they are no longer in demand!

[@Skeijeindi]

@yvonneschwartz3929 I did leave him. Really strong no contact, zero contact. And yes he changed and now he is back the way he was at the beginning

[@yvonneschwartz3929]

@Skeijeindi That just shows that man only changes his approach with you for convenience, not for love! He doesn't change his mistake to have personal growth. This type of man will only change if he loses you and any other women he treats that way! Why? Men change when the approach does not work with any woman.

[@ChrisHard-ri7ss]

This is helpful, thank you

[@undesignated3491]

Thankyou i will try this, when i open my mind actually I have become selfish, maybe theres deeper problem with me.

[@neomacchio4692]

Exactly right. Marriages fail when one or both get selfish. Fact.

[@perryh.5306]

My friends wife is SUPER selfish...has been for years....and they are still happily married....so...this is in fact...NOT a Fact.

[@floodworldwide5260]

@@perryh.5306 do you live with her? You miss ur buddy don’t you? lol

[@perryh.5306]

@@floodworldwide5260 no I don't live with her....BUT I'm around her alot.....and what do you mean "I miss my buddy"? We still hang out, so nothing to miss.

[@neohermitist]

@@perryh.5306 So what do they do to stay happy?

[@notrend204]

It's not about being right or wrong it's about being a team player. When one person is doing all the work and the other person could care less about the problem or solution...not cool. Everyone can't afford divorce. It's like living together but not a marriage in my opinion. Or it's a terrible marriage. Then be mad when I say I'm not happy. Even jokes and tells me get my own house and things then. Sometimes the best solution is seperation.

[@perryh.5306]

Actually...its about the wife being right and the husband obeying his wife.

[@catbee1452]

For me, its like having a roommate that I can't stand, but can't throw them out.

[@clemencethomas2780]

I recommend checking out videos by Jefferson Fisher. He is a lawyer that gives amazing communication advice. He’s give great advice that helps people understand how to communicate in a kind and loving way while holding firm boundaries and not tolerating bad behavior.

[@imaamericangirl1406]

@@clemencethomas2780thank you for the recommendation. I need to try something.

[@smokingcrab2290]

Is it selfish to want someone reciprocate your feelings? Make you feel desired? Etc

[@s1n4m1n]

Focus on the Family is the worst about being quiet on what an individual should be getting out of marriage. Reciprocating means nothing to them.

[@AnitaBarneycastle]

Love is empathy

[@crispoulson8830]

What about a selfless partner? She does everything for everyone putting herself, always at the end of the line. And since “we” are “one”, I’m right there at the end of the line, too. If I try to do something special for her, she declines or pulls back thinking it would be selfish. She’s never really happy because she is drained. And if I try to help out, all she does is take that extra boost I’ve given her and invest it in the people further up her priority list. ??? I’m at a loss.

[@perfectpeace123]

I stopped arguing with him because I honestly think he has mental health issues and it pointless to argue with someone who is selfish.

[@toyabdool5963]

Best advice getting to the point thank you very much

[@notagamer423]

My spouse is so financial unstable and I send him to college 4 times and he never finished he jumps from job to job and he blames me or anything then he goes to his mom for money any advice please I need help?

[@thabisomogane5170]

Indulge

[@perryh.5306]

Divorce his ass.....I'm a male....and the male is supposed to take care of the wife.

[@joel5644]

It sounds like he may have a learning disability, to be honest. If he wasn't a great student in high school then that very well may be the reason for not doing well in college or work. There's a pattern there that you shouldn't ignore because that's where the problem may lie. The problem is that, if this is the case, he may not either have realized it or he has but won't want to admit it.

[@memee1488]

I think the speaker is working on the assumption that the selfish spouse will be mature enough to talk through problems as a adult would. Extremely selfish people are often stunted in their emotional growth, and therefore cannot communicate as an adult would. I think that it would have been better to suggest that the spouse who is forced to deal with an immature partner seek counseling and learn tools to create calm in their own souls, and ways to deal with immature adults. This is not a 2 minute fix.

[@s1n4m1n]

I agree. Most marriage advice assumes emotionally mature adults, the people least likely to need advice. On the more difficult cases, it’s just trust the Lord and selling false hope.

[@Alwizcaliteach]

Hmm. Preaching to the choir. The people here are looking for answers in how to deal with selfish, self-centered spouses who are confident that since you are a Christian they can be a bum and act AND TALK like a disrespectful, adolescent brat who does nothing outside of going to work 8 hours a day (as does the wife these days). There is much confusion here since a wife is 'supposed to be submissive.'

[@naokookadahill5639]

What about ,, retired man who does nothing but depressed ? How the wife deal with it?

[@she_sings_delightful_things]

Bless you.

[@thornethistleandtear5415]

Selfish people are blind

[@nosiphomgeni4242]

Say that again

[@user-is5vp2nv9s]

How to get out peaceful.?

[@msarielwilliams123]

Just move out when they are out of town or at work. Then have divorce papers served to them.

[@Jennifer_j749]

@@msarielwilliams123sound harsh 😢

[@lukebaehr3851]

How can I love you better? you can leave me alone!!!

[@Claire-yo1nx]

1.75 speed fam 💪

[@lassiterdominguez2879]

I mean u also have to have courage to leave.

[@Capcoor]

Wasn’t he married to Amy Grant?

[@thinkfloyd2594]

Great video, until mr click right here showed up. Thanks Gary.

[@stevejeffries8523]

MR Click right ?

[@Terry-mt5nu]

What if their opinion Bradley has any moral value to the home I don't mean to be selfish and saying see it my way but when it has to do with home values who's right I would think that the one with the no value for the home should be sided with especially when you're able to understand their approach but see that there's no logic when it comes to values in the home

[@martirjd]

Okay. Let's assume I need to fix myself. I am only half of the equation. My wife is a narcissist. She was raised by her parents to be a princess. Everyone else around her are the servants.

[@christinefury1040]

Ladies, just leave him. Your life is precious. Enjoy it! Don’t waste it in misery. He stays with you out of convenience. You gotta stop doing so much and ultimately leave the relationship.

[@vjbhatia77]

Gentlemen, just leave her. Your life is precious. Enjoy it! Also, according to a study published in Cosmo, most women are the selfish ones anyway.

[@mikesterloc]

@@vjbhatia77Agreed

[@catbee1452]

Sure, great advice if you haven't given someone 44 years of your blood sweat and tears. You have to remember that in long term relationship, just 'leaving' is no longer an option.

[@PallidusCarnifex]

“Him”?!? Hahahahaha

[@imaamericangirl1406]

Sadly men and women both can be equal opportunity offenders.

[@user-wj3yr7xr2f]

The titel is how to deal with a selfish partner but listning to this it sounds like he think the problem is to say anything at al and that the selfish one really is us looking at the video. Maybe Iam misinterpreting, but its hard to tell, he is so unclear.

[@neohermitist]

That's what I got out of it. And just remember this guy wrote a book on marriage communication.

[@neohermitist]

This guy has NO IDEA about troubled marriages. Maybe sometimes a person SHOULD think about what they get out of marriage in addition to what they put into marriage.

[@Strome88]

An ex once said that when I was 19 and going to school and starting out in life, seriously! Some women have no patience, no courage and all they want is everything right away. Well ironically, I'm writing this from my 80k Cadillac and for the ex, last I heard she was unemployed and still living with her parents.

[@kaldereta4615]

😢

[@WaterRabbitVirginian]

Brats get left alone.

[@patrickgrady2883]

And thats exactly what she does when she manipulates the situation. I tell her sometimes you're right and sometimes you're wrong. What does she say the next discussion we have? Thats she's wrong 100% of the time. Smh. Anything yo have the upper hand

[@lI-qt8ir]

My husband is a psychopath

[@chriscon818]

Well, I guess that she doesn’t love me

[@martirjd]

If you want real help with the modern generation then research narcissism on you own. Do your own research.

[@osamaqtaitat]

We are all losers, grow up from the delusions! It’s just vain

[@Mr.Lateralus]

Unfortunately, Sir, the wife is usually wrong in arguments… because of this, it’s not about “winning” arguments, it’s about the wife simply respecting the husband, and not only that, but honoring and reverencing him. At this point in my life, I have found out that the women in this modern day and age are totally and completely wrong in just about everything…. And they are constantly at odds with the men in their life…. That’s why toxic feminism is on the rise in our wicked world and emasculation is their reward….