How to Deal With a Controlling Spouse - Dr. Ron & Jan Welch

[@mrs.rubytang9183]

Men can say I didn't hurt her physically, but imagine the high blood pressure, anxiety induced gastro + other problems, migraines, emotional & depression. Any kind of non-physical abuse do lead to a person's physical ailments.

[@Thiz_Maria]

😢true!!

[@k1886-o6x]

Exactly

[@lih1352]

And then they blame YOU saying you shouldn’t lose your peace yet they’re the ones taking it away

[@chrissinclair3457]

Women do the same to men

[@chrissinclair3457]

Causing all the same being critical and controlling

[@danaljohnson4]

I appreciate this program. I didn’t have a repentant partner willing to acknowledge or repent of his oppressive ways. How long should a woman (or man) endure oppression, anger, and threats? A marriage may need to be dismantled so that the abusive partner has an opportunity to repent and change. We should not idolize marriage above the safety and sanity of the people in it.

[@rennieherriot3217]

It's tme the church delves into the problems of spousal control , neglect and narcissistic abuse , and domestic abuse/violence .

[@free2thrive]

@@rennieherriot3217 Agree!

[@dougkrobatsch3511]

Happy birthday spao

[@HotMessCarnivore42]

@@rennieherriot3217 it's so true! Digging into what it looks like for biblical marriage. Ephesians 5:21

[@kellivossen8995]

Which is what they said at the beginning

[@anjihc8797]

Unfortunately I've known the church to be an ideal place for a controlling spouse to hide. There has historically been too much emphasis on blaming women by using Eph. 21 as a sword and not enough emphasis on becoming like Christ and following his example of servant leadership and love.

[@vew4591]

Ty

[@parishers6351]

You have a sharp tongue. Very ungodly one.

[@danilaroche1156]

@@TheSonOfGodWorshipsTheFather Your generalizing. Untrue. I'd take the short Christian man in a heartbeat.

[@doreendjamoe6922]

Exactly!!

[@SteelerNationBaby]

Great churches teach this correctly. And men know if they are following Jesus walking by faith loving and leading thier wives in a Godly agape way…

[@gracevallery5296]

I definitely relate to this. I want to preface this with saying, I love my husband. He is a wonderful provider and a loving father. My husband is a controlling person though. It was really hard at first emotionally because I genuinely felt mistreated(which was true!) I have been married almost 10 years and we still deal with this issue. My personality is not one to be easily controlled, so there was A LOT fighting in the beginning. Over time, I have learned better ways to approach my husband's control issues while still maintaining peace in my home. I don't do this perfectly everytime but I deal with it directly. I will not be his doormat. I have 2 daughters and I don't want them to grow up thinking controlling behavior is okay. He is doing better but still has his moments.

[@Bluedog777]

Perfectly stated, relate to this a lot, especially the personality part.

[@KRISP-BACON]

Praying for you

[@barbiebeck9531]

I’m soon to attend a women’s abuse meeting at a church setting & hoping a lot it will mentally and spiritually help me better handle his damaged heart. I love my freedom since the Set Apart Spirit of Yah does have his agenda for us, & we must be open to His leading rather than any human’s as it’s always best for us. The therapist has agreed to meet w/ my hubby too & it’s free due to prayer for help from YAH! 🎉 I hope it saves our marriage. He’s been thru a lot of childhood trauma & head injuries, & my heart longs for his healing cuz I really live him. 🙌👑❤️‍🔥🕊📖💝

[@jillcooper6740]

What are some ways you learmed how to handle your husband's control issues? Asking for a friend 😊

[@lilyflower1168]

Put up boundaries!! If you raise your voice, I will leave for 30 min until you are ready to speak gently

[@dominiquerivero6611]

Emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse.

[@dougandcandacebishop7259]

I LOVE Jan! She now is speaking up and letting her voice be heard! She doesn’t allow herself to have her thoughts cut off.

[@keilaavila2479]

Cxxxu

[@sharonkinsella7435]

I'm so impressed by this couple. They have such a talent for communication. This is very rare, for people to love so much that they are willing to learn about themselves and grow and change so dramatically ~ and then to teach others. This is a beautiful example of sanctification. ✝️

[@maryg6742]

I've been binging a LOT of FOTF content, and I've noticed an alarming pattern of guests where primarily husbands control or steamroll their wives for YEARS, breaking their spirits, and it isn't until either their sons start emulating their behavior or their wives have one foot out the door, that they realize they need to make a change. Frequently, they say it is because they were "immature" but the shortest turn-around I've seen so far is after 8 years of this abusive behavior! I'm thankful this gentleman acknowledges the sheer length of time it took before his wife was able to trust him even a little that his change was sincere. So far, he's the only guest I've seen admit how long healing and reconciliation can take, and that the wife was not responsible to facilitate what was effectively 100% his problem.

[@conniesmith-mendez4688]

This is very prevalent in the world to different degrees. Lovers of self and refusal to deal with old wounds.

[@laurenshannon2703]

But the sins of controlling women who cause deep wounds are no less prevalent than controlling men. It just looks and feels different while destroying just as completely.

[@free2thrive]

I agree on the "immature" statement. It does seem that Christian women are expected to turn the cheek and be Proverb 31 while bad behavior continues. I really like Henry Cloud's version of Boundaries and how we aren't responsible for facilitating what is one's own personal responsibility.

[@maryg6742]

@@conniesmith-mendez4688 I agree! But I am most disheartened just how common it is in the church. We are supposed to put our old selves to death and be made new in Christ. What is it about how we approach marriage that is leaving no diffentiation between the world and the church?

[@melodysledgister2468]

@@laurenshannon2703 I don't think it looks much different if the controller is a man or a woman. It is still a miserable situation for all involved--even the controllers themselves. They are always frustrated because they can't manage to get everyone marching to their tune all at the same time. So they get angry.

[@daniellenunez185]

This is immensely helpful and it made me feel normal. I know I have not been the first and will sadly not be the last woman with a controlling husband. It’s hard but God is gracious and good no matter what.

[@stephm5877]

Abuse is not normal.

[@focusonthefamily]

Thanks everyone for sharing your heartfelt comments. We’re sorry to hear about the difficulties you’re going through. Please know that we’ll be praying for you and are here to come alongside you in any way we can. We have counselors here who can listen, offer assistance, and pray with you. Here’s the contact info: bit.ly/2ItKdoE. May the Lord be your source of wisdom and strength in the days ahead.

[@Angebaby1237]

I feel all Jan’s pain! ❤To believe that it will all change, to let go of all the hurt, I’m not there yet!! Praying for healing!! Need to keep praying!! 🙏🏻

[@TheCarlinCoop]

I’m so glad this was posted as I’m battling this with my husband. Please pray for my marriage and my husband to have a soften heart. In Jesus’s name amen 🙏 🕊📿♥️

[@focusonthefamily]

We’re very sorry to hear that, Amanda. Please know that we'll be praying for you and your husband, asking the Lord to intervene in your situation and provide the wisdom and help you need in the days ahead. Also, we’d like to invite you to speak with one of our counselors who are here to talk to you on a personal level, pray, and offer assistance. Here’s the contact info: bit.ly/2ItKdoE. May God be with you.

[@Hearts_to_Eternity]

💕God sees and hears you. I encourage you to seek mentorship/counseling about this. I pray for Godly wisdom for you to navigate this.

[@noracharles9366]

🙏 🤲 💜

[@casondratrevino5215]

28 yrs... Entire married life I and kids walked on egg shells. Kids all grown and on their own. But, there is Definitely residual in All of them. At this point I am not sure what my life can be with him. It's calm and peace without him. With him, life is just numb and guarded. (We've spent 5 yrs living apart due to work so I have the comparison)

[@MrsEyes512]

Stay living apart. You deserve peace and joy. That's what God wants for us. All the best as you heal.

[@mariaalfonsi4746]

Casondra, I'm in the same boat as you, except b/c of health problems I can't work. I do babysit my 9 year old Grandson, who treats me better than my husband. Our children are adults too & I now recognize their issues b/c of this dysfunction in our marriage that he doesn't see, as he's right.

[@googlecritic2773]

@@mariaalfonsi4746 How is your marriage going? Better?

[@cat-yz2ew]

Go girl. they get better but when we find our voice, and they have accountability, they can control themselves better..congrats to both of you. You two are opening eyes.

[@Nunu-_985]

Due to 'bad' christian theology women and men stay in abusive relationships, be it either emotionally, mentally or physically perhaps all 3.

[@smokingcrab2290]

I've been gaslit by the church to stay with my abusive wayward wife

[@laurenshannon2703]

Thank you for your humility, Ron. Thank you for godly patience to his wife!

[@denicehaley9902]

Perfect timing since I’ve been married to a controlling husband for 34+ years. 🙏🙏

[@Kelle0284]

According to the bible, husband's are supposed to be controlling.

[@denicehaley9902]

According to the Bible, husbands are supposed to be servant leaders, not controlling dictators!

[@pamelaegan2327]

me too

[@elizabethdeliverer7120]

​@@Kelle0284 which book, chapter and verse?

[@Kelle0284]

@@elizabethdeliverer7120 I don't know. I'm not going to dig through the bible for you. Ask your priest if you want answers.

[@judithpepelnar4429]

Thank you for your honesty. I've stuck with a controlling husband for over 25 years and am spent. This is so encouraging, because often the only option others commend is just to divorce. Really, when I believe this marriage has been arranged by God himself? Hopeful - there is another option!

[@donnatinkham9496]

Do not endure physical abuse. It is a crime. Couple that make it through domestic violence are outliers. If you are being harmed leave. The “ablility to absorb” that kind of treatment for a long period of time is not spiritual strength or angelic it is a trauma response and you need help. it is not what you’re called to be. The church HAS to stop this madness.

[@lissjackson192]

This is my marriage of 30 years. But my husband does not see. That he is this way. It's exhausting!

[@jennytaylor3324]

Unless you can imagine living this way for ever, in the end, it's a stark decision: you or him. Not saying it's easy, but it is a choice. The freedom you will find beyond it is immense and worth the process, even if it's scary.

[@ROSEVICTOR-y9i]

Your sincerity and vulnerability gives me such willingness to find hope and never allow an excuse 'fear' no matter how factual they be, for my marriage. If anything I'll is give grace to my marriage. Thank you Dr Ron and Jan

[@marcelastacey890]

Thank you for sharing what a controlling spouse looks like - I would have appreciated a lot more information on how to heal from it. How to react to your spouse when they are exercising unrighteousness dominion.

[@jillcooper6740]

I agree. There was absolutely no information on how to deal with a controlling spouse like the title implies.

[@LC_H]

❤️❤️❤️If people would just deal with their unaddressed wounds, traumas, childhood experiences, etc... SO many people would heal and learn to avoid/resist manipulative people. Much of dealing with manipulative people comes from insecurities we are just too afraid to address.

[@mmp495]

Very true!! A huge percentage of broken families would be saved.

[@barbarabrooks2925]

Glad to see how far they have come together with Gods help! His honesty is refreshing!

[@martl3288]

I want to leave my 38 year marriage cause my husband controls everything and i no longer allow it i have godly and just say no and still respect him being head of house he doesn't like me changing but i dont care its been working but he's getting ill with his memory and i dont want to spend the rest of my life caring for him after 38 years i dont want this testimony i forgave and cared for him. Pray for me .

[@Hearts_to_Eternity]

Sis, if you haven’t already, seek counseling and mentorship from a christian counsellor with a balanced biblical perspective. I pray for Godly wisdom and a healthy perspective in this situation. I pray for God to other your steps in the as you make choices in Jesus’ name.

[@noracharles9366]

🙏💜

[@Kelle0284]

According to the bible, the husbnd is supposed to be in control.

[@parishers6351]

Drop them scriptures boobo. You running your mouth not nobody is listening to your delusional narrative

[@wilshannoa9727]

God just answered prayers with this video.

[@johnryan3374]

I was controlled in my marriage for many years... it's not easy to deal with. Humility and Christlike love are the answer.

[@vjs4539]

My husband is so moody, I hate being around him. My kids and I walk on eggshells around him. He knows this, and blames us. Somehow it's our fault that we don't enjoy being around him. He's always saying "nobody likes me " but he won't try to change his behavior. He goes through everyone's stuff when we're gone. My daughter is moving out because he went in her room, read her diary, and went through her stuff.

[@focusonthefamily]

We’re very sorry to hear that, friend. Please know that we'll be praying for you and your family, asking the Lord to intervene in your situation and provide the wisdom and help you need at this time. Did you know we have a staff of counselors here at Focus? One of them would be happy to have the chance to talk with you about all that you’re facing. Here’s the contact info: bit.ly/2ItKdoE. May God be with you and yours.

[@mariasouz9545]

Amen thank you for sharing.

[@mmp495]

This was painful to read. I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. Reach out for help even if it's just you and your children getting counseling. I too have experienced this and have gotten counseling. It's been tremendous ly helpful having people on my side for safety and comfort. Wishing you and your family the best❤️❤️❤️

[@stephm5877]

He's living in victimhood. Only Jesus can save him. You cannot. You don't have to live like that. Call out the sin and set boundaries. Seek self healing and learn your true value and see where it goes. He's refusing to fulfill his side of the marriage covenant. He needs to repent.

[@janett.beauty3684]

I am going through this right now. My husband has explosive anger & a controlling personality as well. At times it feels like she he says to do it the “right” way, it means his way & this causes a lot of tension, disagreement & distress in our marriage. It doesn’t help that he drinks a couple of beers daily.

[@Thiz_Maria]

Im going through the same situation 😔😣

[@Talania12]

@@Thiz_Maria has it gotten any better?

[@Padle7]

Call focus on the family and make an appointment with a counselor, they should be able to give you guidance.

[@Veynatulip]

It is tough when one is on that situation, my now ex wife was extremely controlling and sooo mean she would say”I don’t apologize I say what I mean and I mean what I say” You don’t like it there’s the door unti I walked out that door it’s been 8 years and I understand “Christian” wise might not have been a godly choice but it was the best one I made I was close to committing suicide 😳😭

[@Kelle0284]

She doesn't sound obedient.

[@lilyflower1168]

Oh man

[@dell74877]

Terrible situation, brother 😭😭 Also, when you said "ex wife" it's not your "ex wife" it's your wife and I pray you choose the path of sanctification (in the Lord) to reconcile

[@stephm5877]

We're not supposed to be yoked with demons. You're fine!

[@marjoriebennett8443]

thank God this couple have been able to work things out

[@alfonsoreynosa8143]

I see myself in this conversation. I love my wife, I do for her, it's not always my way or the highway. But there are some areas I get into control mode. HELP!

[@myrtleesther8855]

Submit to Jesus let Him change you.

[@anamunguiacoach7676]

So I was a CONTROLLING WIFE. I needed to be because he wouldn’t take his roll as the providor. So I was the one working, giving birth and bringing food to the table. Then, we started a business together for his profession and I left my businesses. We worked together for 18 years or so. Then I was really fed up with it, didn’t bring me joy at all. I resigned. He took control and has become the most controlling person ever. I don’t recognize him. I am paralized and don’t even see how I can regain confidence in myself. Help! I don’t recognize myself either. Have lost my identity of a go getter to an insecure person 😩

[@conniesmith-mendez4688]

I used to say did not want to be a good captain of the ship but he darn well did not want anyone else to be in charge so there was always mutiny on the bounty… it was a veritable train wreck when he was not travelling. So sad.

[@brandibee7058]

My I encourage you to read scriptures on your identity in Christ that has helped free me a lot . As well as the word on marriage and wives . 1 Peter 3 is one I stand on also by faith I have had to forgive my husband and put full confidence that the lord was working and was and is answering my prayers and softening my husbands heart but also mind . Helping me learn how to be that gentle wife in my heart just like my spirit is gentle . Fruit of the spirit has belied me so much also boundaries . I say it once though but it could be if he’s yelling or making threats then I say to him in love how I feel with out accusation and then say I won’t sit here and listen to this and ask awY. Or you can continue to talk to me but not continue if you are yelling at me . That kind of thing and most importantly letting the Holy Spirit lead you

[@MrsEyes512]

Leave. Now. Don't waste the rest of your life living in fear and disappointment.

[@brandibee7058]

Also I had to learn to listen to Jesus voice he says we know his voice and I had to compare it with the word of God and listen to his words not everyone else’s

[@karilledawkins]

@@MrsEyes512 Greetings. I’m curious as to why you think it’s best for her to leave her marriage.

[@hardysandstrom]

Women it is not right to have to live with an abuser, Jesus wants us to have peace & an abundant life with joy. Tell him to stop the abuse or leave him!!!

[@clarissagloria1089]

I struggle with a financially controlling husband. It’s very difficult to be in this relationship. I’m a stay at home mom and I homeschool our boys. He works 3 jobs and is hardly home. When he is home he’s either working outside in his shop or sleeping. He only interacts with our kids. Anytime I want to buy something he says, “We can’t afford that right now”. We don’t share the money and have separate checking accounts. I’m miserable and angry.

[@noracharles9366]

Tough, tough situation Clarissa. And I am so sorry. I am praying for you Girl- My heart grieves for you ⚜

[@brandibee7058]

3 jobs wow that is alot is there any way he can just do one or two even ? i understand how you feel with what you have shared have been there still some there but hes avialble some more. I will pray for you keep praying and i want to leave you with 1 peter 3 that is what the lord keeps showing me. Also does he make sure all your needs are met ?

[@KayQhosa]

As a stay at home mom myself, my heart hurts for you. I will be praying for you.

[@pamelaegan2327]

Does your husband give you an allowance and do you work outside of the home?

[@paulanix7561]

Maybe there is a way to earn money while you're home. There's a book titled "Mind your own business " (I know) where the family created business. You could earn money as you homeschool. Just an idea. The children learned about responsibilities, budgeting, etc.

[@teresatangonan1047]

I really admire these couple talking about these i call it weakness. I see exactly myself with Jenny.I struggle so much with this behavior,but God show His mercy toward us,I am still praying and hoping that everything will be well in God's perfect time. Thank you to this program cause I learn a lot,and I feel that God is working thru these.God Bless!

[@projectqueen610]

It is hard to express the trauma of living under an oppresive spouse. ..panick attacks, etc.

[@vew4591]

20+ yrs divorced I still struggle with the reality I went through with a controlling spouse. Marriage counselors advised me to leave after family and individual therapy! His family (Catholic) treated me same (horrible) blamed me for all problems like him. As well as his ex wife. The pain was unbearable I was too young, naive and desperate for family, love and the fantasy.

[@focusonthefamily]

Hello, friend. We’re sorry that you’re hurting over your divorce - a traumatic experience, no matter what the cause. If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors about your situation (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a counselor to call you back. One of them will be in touch just as soon as they're able. We’re praying for the Lord to comfort, strengthen, and uphold you during this time. Grace and peace to you.

[@oilmama8510]

My partner is not open to any of this right now. He's struggling with other things in his life but once he gets back on track, I have faith he will listen to this and be illuminated to his behavior, I don't think he even acknowledges his behavior in his 43 years. Thank you for this program.

[@focusonthefamily]

Thanks for sharing, Oil Mama. If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT).Just give your number to the Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone. They will pass along your phone number to one of our professional counselors, who will return your call just as soon as they’re able. God's best to you.

[@hardysandstrom]

We need to teach young woman red-flags of abuse. It starts with mom.

[@devinl8487]

I really appreciate the honesty & transparency.

[@gobigandgohomeschool4882]

Resources that have helped me immensely are by: Leslie Vernick Natalie Hoffman Bare Marriage Lysa Turkeurst

[@brendareed5050]

This husband gives me hope that someday he will take my needs into consideration, and not need to have the final say about most decisions. Its our 38th anniversary tomorrow.

[@bernadettefehi2605]

Hi I always tune into Focus on the Family. I would like to say THANK YOU, the messages are always helpful to me. I tune in through Radio Light in Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea. God's blessings to you all and the listeners as well.

[@lynnmiller2471]

What happens if the husband has absolutely no ability to self evaluation???

[@focusonthefamily]

Hello, Lynn. If this is a personal situation you’re facing in your marriage, we invite you to call and talk with one of our licensed Christian counselors. Simply call 1-855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. (MT). The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will take your number and make arrangements for a licensed counselor to call you back. One of them will be in touch just as soon as they’re able. May God provide you with the guidance and direction you're seeking.

[@Kelle0284]

Have a word with the priest.

[@focusonthefamily]

In response to some of the posts on this thread, please call us at 800-232-6459 to set up a callback to speak with one of our counselors about your specific situation, or email us with the details and we'll do our best to find pertinent content. In the meantime, here are a couple of links to articles we have on our website - bit.ly/3VMlu3I and bit.ly/3XSULUV. We hope this is helpful.

[@MrsLiz]

How she reached out to him, when she thought she hurt him and he ignored her and continued on without acknowledging her in that moment shows he isn’t better, maybe from where he was but not putting her feelings above or equal to himself. That was telling and sad, had to comment.

[@saynotohookups]

Please point out to me where that was again? What is the time stamp where it happens?

[@TheEllaTB]

I noticed that too. It made me sad, and that moment stuck out to me because that is how my husband treats me. Never once acknowledging my pain. I watched, hoping he would simply turn his hand over to receive her hand. Such a small motion would have meant so much. Even the way he talks sometimes shows he's not quite there. He still describes his sin too "politely"

[@womengroup693]

But did you notice in the next scene, moments later (overhead shot) they were holding hands?

[@giulianaspagnuolo-obaidi4281]

I really appreciate this broadcast. I unfortunately am in a similar situation, and really identify with the circumstances and mindset of the wife. This is such a difficult marriage situation to be in.

[@OneSparrow-76]

I think it’s a fallacy saying “I never hurt her physically”…Emotional/mental abuse harms the human body, because it causes stress and anxiety…those things do sometimes more damage than a punch to the face…please don’t downplay this issue..

[@dominiquerivero6611]

Agreed. Ongoing emotional abuse causes mental illness (anxiety depression ptsd) and physical illness. Unfortunatly unless you have bruises on your body it is not considered abuse.

[@gregzgurl2004]

I was with controlling, narcissistic man (I was his third wife). When I went to the church for help, I was advised that “maybe if you would submit more, it would be better”. Eventually divorced, happily remarried for nearly 20 years and he’s on 6th wife. And I’m now agnostic.

[@amandaw8829]

I'm so sorry you weren't supported. The church really needs to grow in supporting abuse victims.

[@melodysledgister2468]

Would you say there is a difference between a controller and someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

[@politereminder6284]

This interviewer just called this woman's unhealthy co-dendency an "innate mothering instinct", and the psychologist husband who claims to have changed didn't even push back. Also, this couple clearly disagrees about the time frame in which he "changed". Not saying he didn't, but i dont see how he could have, when she is clearly still unhealed

[@marjoriebennett8443]

WOW! You're brave to talk about this. But this needs to be looked in to. I have learned so much about God's love, after years of being a "controlling" spouse (wife); I have suffered greatly over things I said and did, when all through, my husband approached me with great love, patience, and understanding. It took years for me to "come out of it". Here's the cruncher: And then he passed away. Of course, I was stunned.......to say the least! My grief was horrid! and it tried to kill me. I would love to have my husband back! I'm so sorry for the way things went for those years.

[@focusonthefamily]

Thanks for sharing your response to this video with us, Marjorie. We are moved by your willingness to share yourself so openly. We're very sorry to hear of the loss of your husband and the grief you have experienced. Nagging feelings of regret, especially in the wake of loss, can be debilitating and paralyzing. As we read your note, we felt your “hurt,” and we are eager to help you in any way we can. We encourage you to lay hold of God’s total and complete forgiveness. Christ went to the cross for the express purpose of removing that burden from your shoulders. If you would like to discuss your situation further with a caring Christian counselor, we would invite you to call our help line at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) between 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. (MT), Monday through Friday. Also, please be assured that we will be praying for you, asking the Lord to bring you His perfect peace and comfort as He walks with you through your grief. He can make your burden lighter - and we trust that He will. Thanks again for sharing so openly with us. May God bless you in the days ahead.

[@marjoriebennett8443]

@@focusonthefamily Thankyou so much!!!

[@stevenfoerst9821]

22.5 years of marriage. My wife didn't allow access to any money for over 15 years. I HAVE A PLUMBING BUSINESS, but I could not touch money inside the business and she now gives me a monthly allowance after telling her I want a divorce. I want autonomy. I want to have and achieve goals. I was more free living in my parent's home. We did counseling (then she asked why I would possibly need money) but she paid me a very small income that she took most of for the house. Now she takes 100% of the W2 income and she pays me approximately $1000 per month. I have no authority and no responsibility to the house. I have also been publicly humiliated when she PICKED ME UP AND CARRIED ME OUT OF A BIBLE STUDY.

[@karateana7593]

I am going through this right now, its frightening to hear how long it took for things to change, im only coming up on three years of marriage and no longer have any affection for my husband, i just want it to be over.

[@amandaw8829]

Look to Leslie vernick or other Bible based counselors to test if your situation is abusive.

[@drcharmainenelbadenhorst5284]

Emotional and financial abuse is much more severe than physical abuse. Bruises heal, but soul wounds can remain a lifetime if not being dealt with......... Someone who has been there. Talking of painfull experience. In most instances, the abuse goes over to physical after a period of time, and do escalate.

[@KJ-lb4tj]

'Spirituality it's angelic' - referring to a woman taking abuse for the sake of her children and others. That's a pretty dangerous statement. Jesus didn't put up with controlling, abusive Jewish leaders. He didn't submit or follow them and i think we'd have to say, his way is the best most 'angelic' way. The problem is, somehow we see accepting abuse as 'angelic'. It's not, it's sending poor messages and poor role modelling to your children and those around you.

[@estherslagter302]

Exactely! Walking in fear was also not recommended by Him. Speaking up, drawing boundaries is.

[@smokingcrab2290]

Exactly why men should not cowtow to abusive women

[@barbaraeckman9173]

How Their marriage was is how mine is. Gives me hope.❤️🙏🏻

[@karankaran-us9vm]

wives can also be very controlling. it's not a husband thing but a jazabel spirit in operation

[@saynotohookups]

Stop blaming it on a jezebel spirit it's their own choices. Period.

[@L.Hodson]

She is codependent for sure !

[@helenacena2709]

I agree but at some point you just know something is wrong but you just don't know how to respond except t o just take it in and accept it as normal

[@bestpriceplumbing1]

I would wager that men have controlling spouses too, The problem is it’s shameful for a man to admit that his wife is dominant in him.

[@staceystrukel1917]

No, it’s a different conversation. It’s just WAY more common for the man to physically and emotionally be the abuser.

[@saynotohookups]

Matthew 18: 15-17 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

[@lisaallen9339]

What about the spouse who wants her husband to share information of what’s going on on weekends with his children-& he doesn’t see it necessary to tell his wife until the last minute? What if he tells her something starts at 10 am and it really starts at 1pm- 3 hours later -she is disappointed because she watches his disabled son so he and his daughter can to do stuff together-(he is always on the go-gets bored etc.-100 degree heat. ) Yet when she confronts and ask why did he stated it was 3 hours later than what is was?His answer-It’s your fault you came? No I’m sorry- I told you incorrectly etc. he blames me- He knew-never apologized -I call that a lie-if you know about it. For him-my fault- He says I’m Controlling because I ask questions -I think he’s being manipulative because he doesn’t work with me.

[@nicolettemoore7711]

No it's psychological emotional and mental abuse

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

I had alot of anxieties when l was married big mistake l ever made l got married at 19 teen it was toxic l don't know what was going on in my head am 47 now l have learned alot

[@jefftube58]

I watched this whole video. I certainly believe the issue of controlling husbands should be addressed. Although in the beginning of this show mention was made that husbands and wives can be controlling, it died there. Millions of husbands, including ones in the church, are being emasculated daily by their wives. Run down, verbally beat up, constantly finding fault, etc. I would like to see Focus do a show entirely dedicated to wives emasculating their husbands without going soft on the wives.

[@Chadwikidy]

Yeah, agreed. I am greatful for the beginning comment. It would have been nice to have this be a series with additional professionals.

[@teelin7746]

I am worried that alpha males are disappearing from society as our protectors, especially when you look at the feminization of millions of boys lately! Like Dr. Peterson says about men: " you have to be formidable and learn how to control that beast". But we totally need strong men in our society who are loving yet not a push-over.

[@smokingcrab2290]

So many women here blaming me when so many men suffer in silence and when they voice their abusive wives no one listens.

[@marywolfe6598]

"Enduring" something for years is no way to live.

[@millermiller44491]

Something I can't deal with is my husband does this thing when I'm upset and need space from him(that is how i process things). I was upset this weekend because I have repeatedly asked him to spend time with the kids or me doing what we would like to do. He believes im selfish because im picking things to do with the kids and didn't ask him what he wanted to do. But it's always about him. If i wouldn't do this, he would sit on the couch all weekend & not do a thing. This controlling behavior adds up, and so I distance myself to cope because i can't get through to him and its so frustratingthat he cant self reflect.. So now, when i feel more able to deal with him , he is furious that i took the space i needed and makes comments such as, "you chose this" when i want to talk again and he's angry and volatile. As though I gave up and now he has a right to be angry and not be understanding. You can't win with a person like this.

[@usa2342]

You guys need to start watching together Jim daily show with his guests before bed on marriage relationship. Devil is really working on division in your family. You guys need to stand up against his evil plan against your family. Blessings to your family. There's hope and future for your family to be truly a team and happy in Christ Jesus.

[@perfectpeace123]

My husband’s family is very controlling they won’t let him make any decisions without them interfering into our marriage. My husband’s family has unrealistic expectations that they don’t even meet themselves. My husband is abusive and his family supports his abusive behavior.

[@elayned6147]

Excellent!

[@elizabetharledge2866]

According to my understanding in the Bible it says the man/husband is the head of the family and the wives must submit to their husband's. The man/husband is the one that's supposed to be in control. Again this is just my own understanding According to the Bible, I could be wrong.. so please no back fire.

[@deb9784]

Ephesians 5 is very clear it's not speaking about "control:" 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as CHRIST also loved the church and gave HIMSELF for her, 26 that HE might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that HE might present her to HIMSELF a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the LORD does the church. 30 For we are members of HIS body, of HIS flesh and of HIS bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning CHRIST and the church. So abuse, dishonor, intimidation , and oppression is not included. Love your wife this way and see if she doesn't honor you! But, unfortunately, you can force respect. Perhaps you can share biblical references to support your claim.

[@elizabetharledge2866]

@@deb9784 Genesis 3:16, NIV: To the woman he said, 'I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.'

[@elizabetharledge2866]

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

[@parishers6351]

I sure hope you find a husband that is saved, spirit filled and then became abusive to you and your children after a while and then you’ll understand the pain that others are going through with their children. I hope you can find comfort in that.

[@karenwhitney4826]

That is what the Bible says when it it taken out of context.

[@joeramsey7185]

Love to have the book

[@suzannesmith249]

Please stop saying "but he didn't abuse her physically " like that is somehow more abusive and a worse than verbal and emotional abuse. Words cut deeply.

[@estherslagter302]

Exactely, quite the contrary.

[@lilyflower1168]

Absorbing abuse is not spiritually "angelic."

[@MrsEyes512]

No woman or man should have to live their life walking on eggshells. Divorce. Love them from a far. NoN violent is even worse than violent. There is no good reason to remain married to someone controlling and emotionally abusive. It's not a hard subject. Just move out. Get friends and family to help move when he's at work. That guy is an orifice in the lower region. It's obvious. I feel sorry for the wife. She's damaged by his emotional abuse and it's obvious.

[@Hearts_to_Eternity]

I believe in a marriage, first seek counseling and mentorship. Depending on the degree of the behaviours, from immaturity to outright narcissm, you can live with a person with controlling behaviours and not be overcome by them. Being strongly grounded in who you are in Christ, self care and setting boundaries are some of the tools. Their behaviour is totally their responsiblity but sometimes when the other matures in these areas, the controlling person eases off lol, they are influenced by your behaviour, not always but sometimes.

[@MrsEyes512]

@@Hearts_to_Eternity I disagree. There is no way and obviously you have never experienced verbal abuse from someone who supposedly loves you. You can be as "grounded in Christ" as you want to be but you WILL be affected by a controlling abusive devil. It effects self esteem. It effects how we view the world. It effects how we interact with our children. Speaking of children. It's awful and unfair to them to stay in this type of home environment. Kids will do far better not growing up hearing and seeing abuse.

[@obyonwuakpa8206]

Divorce is not the option in a christian marriage. You may need a brief time away from each other to sort things out, but rely on the Holy Spirit to direct you on how to handle it; Seek christian counseling. Maybe learn look at things from the person's perspective, your expectations may have been very high. Your marriage is very important. Fight for it!!

[@MrsEyes512]

@@obyonwuakpa8206 the holy spirit spoke to me and said get out!! So I did. Who in their right mind would want to fight to stay married to a mean abusive monster? If a woman or man is that brainwashed then they will get what they deserve I suppose. You cannot change a person. God made them how they are. People do not change their character with counseling.

[@eileenhoffmann2422]

SAYING THAT THEY ARE INFLUENCED BY YOUR BEHAVIOR IS A HORRIBLE THING TO SAY! Its not the spouses fault !!!! I know because I am a spouse who has a extremely nasty husband.People have actually asked him how I live with him.He is extremely nasty and very hard to live with.Please dont blame me!!!!

[@monrowetoussaint8438]

The original biblical manuscript were not written in English, but of them the most popular were the Septuagint which was written in Greek, the Peshitta which was written in Aramaic, the Textus Receptus which was written in Greek and the Vulgate which was written in Latin. The Septuagint is a pre Christian translation of the Hebrew bible, and some related text into Koine Greek. The Greek Manuscripts are called the Codex Vaticanus and the Codex Sinaiticus. Fragments were dated around the end of the 2nd century and complete scripts are dated around the 4th century. The king James version of the bible was not translated from the Septuagint but it was translated from the Textus Receptus. Why do you think this is important to know? If you research Rome or Romans you will notice that it is not recorded in the old Testament at all, but you will find it in the Apocrypha which was removed out of the 1611 King James bible. You can also find the word Romans in the book of Daniel (11:30) of the Septuagint. Where they deliberately trying to hide who the Romans are? In the Septuagint, the book of Daniel 11:30 translate the accurance of Chittim as Romans. Maccabees 1:1 states that Alexander the great, the Macedonian had come from the land of Chittim or the land of the Romans. 1 Maccabees Chapter 1 verse 1 (King James Version Apocrypha).... “And it happened, after that Alexander sonne of Philip, the Macedonian, who came out of the land of Chettum, had smitten Darius king of the Persians and Medes, that hee reigned in his stead, the first ouer Greece,”. In Jasher 10:16 And the children of Chittim are the Romim (Romans) who dwell in the valley of Canopia by the river Tibreu (Tiber). There is a reason why the books where removed out of the bible. Why do you think he gave the warning in revelation 22:18,19. The bible mentions the book of Jasher yet when you look through the bible it is not there. There were more than a 100 books that were not included in the bible. The RCC or the Roman Catholic Church also debated either or not to remove the book of Revelation in the bible as well.

[@babalwasibango2545]

Yep this true, I learnt this in Ethiopia where they use the full Bible, there are letters to the Church after Revelations which they removed, the book of Judith, Elizabeth and many more. I know there is an English version with all the books as well. I still wonder why they removed these books....the British were enslavers, colonial murderers yet still claiming to be Christian...so am not surprised that they left out some books

[@mariapaulagopar3011]

Almost 3 years and I definitely don’t want to endure more….does it seriously take all this time and do I have to be in this?

[@davidsandoval2846]

Hello focus I listened closely to this took notes this is happening so much I do believe that our unhealthy actions come from our upbringing parents communicate to children by what they say,do and what they dont say and dont do either parents contr children's taste they are the trainers of kids hearts bible says in the heart are the issues of life, then out of the mouth the heart speaks love your spouses your dealing with a troubled heart that was there before you came along your just seeing the reality of what happened to them being played out before your eyes ask God to help you to understand theres more to what's going on i

[@jillcooper6740]

Wasn't the title of this episode How to Deal with a controlling spouse? I listened hoping to hear about how to deal with a controlling spouse. I came away with NO tips or suggestions of any kind. You just interviewed a guy that controls his wife and said he considers himself recovering. There was nothing there of any help. I came away from this interview just as hopeless as I did when I found it.

[@jillianwilliams1]

I'm sorry. It's so difficult to deal with this situation:( I read his book and it did give more guidance. However, it's not easy. It's something I'm still dealing with. You aren't alone...

[@amandaw8829]

@jill look to Leslie vernick, The marriage recovery center, called to peace and other ministries that help with abuse situations.

[@mattleavitt4601]

And where can a controlling, prideful, narcissistic husband get help? Alot of counseling for the victim but what about when the abuser wants to change and "just do it" is not an option?

[@amandaw8829]

Chris moles and there are others that help abusers

[@renukalazarus8288]

Almost a similar story to Jan- but it’s 49 yrs!!

[@ファミリーフォーラムジャパン]

Why is the assumption from the outset that it is the husband who is the "controller" when the research is clear that either husband or wife is equally prone to controlling tendencies or even abusive tendencies? I realize you're centering on this couple's story and book, but it's time to be truthful about the reality that women are just as culpable as men in this area.

[@charlesmichaelschmitt6412]

What about the controling wife not satisfied with what is never done

[@mariadorisborja500]

I have been suffering for almost 25 years, is there still hope for me?

[@focusonthefamily]

We’re so sorry to hear that, Maria. Did you know we have a staff of Christian counselors here at Focus? One of them would be happy to have the chance to talk with you about all that you’re facing. You may call from 6:00 A.M. to 8:00 P.M. (MT) Monday through Friday at 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459). When you get in touch, a Family Help Center staff member will take your contact information and arrange for a counselor to return your call just as soon as possible. There’s no cost to you - we just want to help in any way we can. Be assured of our prayers for you. May God’s comfort and peace be very real to you.

[@renukalazarus8288]

Controlling husbands don’t have the wisdom to stop n ponder their behaviour! They will always justify their anger! And yes wisdom in the wife is if I give in life is better and letting him win- he gets to be this very nice guy. So u say- what the heck- I chose him n now I need to love n respect him n submit to him- my Christian belief.

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

I used to deal with a stereo type bark on my journey

[@davidmazariegos4456]

Women can be as controlling and abusive. My marriage my wife, her way or misery. Move out 1year ago. 25 yr marriage.

[@parishers6351]

It’s never ok to stay with an abusive spouse. You ar won’t thbeit mother to wait for change. This behavior causes mental health problems for kids and the affected spouse. It’s not right

[@carolsmith5397]

Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, *as long as ye do well, and are not AFRAID with any amazement.* 1 Peter 3

[@apachetamizha]

Only forgiveness

[@helenacena2709]

I did it for more than 2 decades

[@lynnmcintosh]

My husband won’t allow me to leave.

[@tinahalle3575]

Easy … walk away lol … No it’s not easy but the minute I find out my partner is intentionally trying to be controlling … bye . It’s just how I feel . He broke the marriage covenant by not loving and protecting his wife even if that means protecting her from himself. If it’s the woman controlling the husband then I’d need to read up on that in the Bible but he doesn’t deserve to put up with that either . We are to love one another not control each other . Why would you do that to someone you’re supposed to love ? I’d feel they didn’t love me enough or they totally didn’t know what love was or maybe they don’t understand how badly they’re harming they’re partner but if you tell them it’s hurting you and they keep doing it … bye . You don’t hurt people you love intentionally and once you know and keep doing it or refuse to hear your partners feeling you are hurting them. The hard part for me and I wonder if it’s hard for other women to … is to be able to recognize it when it’s happening. These things aren’t always black and white and can be so subtle. Now I will go watch the video when I get some free time lol . I wrote this purely off the title so hopefully I want have to go back and delete my comment lol

[@Maripeni]

Some believe wives should just obey husbands no matter what

[@elianabeck4956]

A controller knows who can they can control

[@tinekelitchfield5275]

What about controlling wives

[@RICREYNOLDSMUSIC]

Women are becoming more and more controlling and abusive than ever before. Nobody is addressing this issue and as the elephant in the room, is why the foundation of a marriage is sewn with anger and confusion. Anger because the verbal threats are embedded into the psychological thinking. Confusion because of its unnatural way of life.