How To Help An Addict or Alcoholic Without Enabling

It's definitely possible to help an addict/alcoholic too much. In this video, we explore the line between helping and enabling. We'll identify common ways families accidentally enable their addicted loved ones. Find out how to be supportive of your loved one in the right ways and avoid enabling traps.
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[@AYe-ly2yo]

I am the first one to admit through this journey, I recognized I have codependency tendencies. Then when I healed myself and realize the addict's life and happiness is not my responsibility, it is the most freeing experience I have had. Like seriously freeing.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I bet it feels like a 1,000 pound weight lifted off your shoulders!

[@AYe-ly2yo]

@@PutTheShovelDown yes totally! It helped me to cut off some other unhealthy "friendships" in my life as well. It is great!

[@tamaleenyouknowwhatimean777]

I’m late to the party here. But I am that person who has been actively been enabling my son. He’s 28 living at home after a break up, relapsed, living in a filthy room, not leaving, me paying his way, letting him use my car, paying for medical insurance, paying for cell phone…I know before you freak out, I’ve finally been able to see it. I am the problem with my situation. I am preventing him from having experiences, troubles and the benefit of his successes. I have since joined Al-anon, been watching this lovely ladies videos and starting to get my life back. He as been told he will need to figure it out, I’ll help as long as it’s help to get better. I really appreciate being able to watch these supportive videos when I’m feeling overwhelmed and guilty for doing what I’m doing.

[@saskiaguy1940]

Detaching with Love, brings balance between being the ‘good’ guy and the ‘bad’ guy

[@belindawickens4391]

Hi Amber, I find your perspective and balance etween the illness and taking personal responsibility so lucid and succinct. Your thoughtful videos have been so helpful, and you have a knack for pre emptying everything I needed to know. Always so kindly put too.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awwww thank you so much for such kind words. Knowing these videos are helping people is exactly what keeps me going.

[@jodypixley6683]

Your channel is the only one that gives direct instructions that are understandable to us !

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Jody, that's exactly what this channel is for!

[@taralenzotti3418]

The most empowering event in my journey with my son’s addiction was the moment when, while on the phone with him from the first ¾ house, he was pleading with us to either bring him something or do something for him, and I said to him “I have every confidence in your ability to figure this out for yourself.” This became a turning point in our dynamic going forward. He knew that I was done jumping and asking “how high” when he called. From that point we tried to respond before reacting to his behaviors.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Tara Lenzotti love it! That’s awesome 🤩🤩🤩

[@taramahabir9605]

Well, I am going to take care of myself and stop worrying about him.

[@stacielove7678]

I just get to the point that I dont want to deal with it. I know its bad and its enabling. I just some days want to shut it off. Im so tired of it that I give in...

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I can 100% totally understand that. Having an addicted loved one can suck the life out of you!

[@saskiaguy1940]

Looking forward to the video about whether or not someone in recovery can drink moderately. My husband is a high functioning alcoholic and still believes he can taper the drinking down. After 23 years of marriage asking him to drink less, I am highly doubtful as it’s never happened yet. He’s been dry since February and just tonight I found out he started again. I’m hanging onto your videos to keep me sane, Amber. You’ve been a real blessing to me. Thank you for all this incredible information.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awwww man, I'm sorry to hear about the relapse. Just remember not to get back on the roller coaster with him!

[@saskiaguy1940]

Put The Shovel Down I definitely won’t, this time. Got enough recovery under the belt to know how futile that is

[@BCK869]

This is so helpful. I have struggled with this a lot.

[@lydiamilanovic439]

My son refuses help because he says nobody can help him, which is the same as saying he's not ready to get sober:=(

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Lydia, That's actually a pretty common defense mechanism. You're right. It's a way of his saying he doesn't want to be sober.

[@2ndcitycouncil]

I am a 70--year-old recovering addict & alcoholic (14 yrs. sober/clean). I do feel addicts need to be held accountable (myself included). Just as I need to be held accountable for what I do now. It wasn't until I was held accountable that I sought help. I have been married 28 years to an addict and was with him 3 years before that. He has been in and out of recovery for years and I know now he chooses his addiction over all else. I am co-dependent but receiving help to distinguish between enabling and healthy help. I am currently packing up my house of 28 years. It is not easy and very, very sad. He will always be my "family" but I am holding on to the thoughts that I deserve more than a minimum effort and that life can be very good even if it is currently scary.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You definitely deserve more!

[@nickid]

I enjoy your videos Amber I agree they need to be accountable I agree to forgive them It frees your own soul I know I need to be safe And I know now I’m not responsible to fix them I agree they can choose their path Blessings to all involved

[@saskiaguy1940]

I must say, although I love Al-Anon and it’s helped a lot, I do get frustrated when I read in the literature that alcoholism can be compared to having cancer. And that just as a cancer patient can’t help being sick, so can the alcoholic also not help being sick. It just really irritates me because there is some level of choice to find recovery. If there wasn’t any choice, no alcoholic would ever have a chance at stopping, surely?

[@simoneheath4991]

I agree comparing alchohoism to having cancer is suggesting that it's down to the drs and consultants to get better. although maybe the grey area is addiction definitely needs a great deal of resourcefulness and self understanding and is not to be underestimated, I think its more of a mental illness to overcome but that doesn't mean it's easy obviously 😊 but definitely possible!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I've compared addiction to cancer before, in the way that it will destroy everything in your life. But it's not like cancer in the fact that the person with the illness has some choice in whether or not they get better. That's a great point!

[@ThePossumone]

Yes exactly

[@traceyrhoads5166]

I go way to far trying to control bad decisions

[@simoneheath4991]

Thankyou, listening this morning to this and sense I am beginning to change my responses, to being less 😀 of an enabler and having a new tool kit that hands responsibility back to 'them' consequently less arguments with my partner, over what to do, so less drama in the house, ok so stuff still going on, but improvement brings hope! My anxiety levels are coming down because I am not going round the hamster wheel of doom, I am believing this is the best way, not perfect, I want them to have the best chance of going forward to recovery so I am crafting my way to being a non enabler with a heart , thanks Amber and all of you out there who are on this particular journey x

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow Simone! That's really awesome. I'm so happy to hear things are moving in the right direction. Thank you for giving me that positive update. I needed that

[@traceyrhoads5166]

I've been from one extreme to the other and back again... bat s#$% crazy here 🙋‍♀️🤦‍♀️

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sometimes you just gotta laugh at yourself. I love your sense of humor!

[@wonderfulpeoplesavingtheearth]

I've heard people don't like saying the addict is "clean," as if they were dirty before. I think I saw a documentary about that. A lot of people have been the subject of abuse and I feel that's no reason to continue the pattern. I know people in that position and they've scarred their entire family because they were mistreated when they were young. It's called playing the victim and listening to voices in your head telling you it's ok to act out and hurt others. No excuse for abuse. We all need to discipline ourselves in this projection of our own issues.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Rita Robinson wise words, Rita!

[@MrBoogaloo86]

Helping is doing for someone who can't do for themselves: Enabling is doing for someone when they can do for themselves."

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Well said, Tone!

[@traceyrhoads5166]

I have had alot of problems accepting my loves addiction as an illness as I have a crippling disease, and it angered me for him to call his addiction the same as my disease. It's like an excuse for him to use

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sometimes it defintiely feels like people hide behind that concept.

[@ritatharp5238]

God love you Amber, from the comments I read you are helping so many people. ❤ Hello from the heart ❤️ of Illinois USA 🇺🇸

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awww thanks, Rita!

[@traceyrhoads5166]

For me, the label addict or alcahol sort of gives them an excuse to blame for bad behavior

[@LisaNEdwards]

I think hurt people, hurt people, BUT you need to have strong boundaries and respect for yourself. I truly believe everything grows and changes with LOVE. Treat people how you want to be treated, treat them as good as you are, not because someone hurts you. Addicts need help, they are trying to fill the void with the drugs that take the pain away. They must be accountable.They must apologise, but that can come down the track, deal with the problem where they are. Don't give their addiction power, hold your boundaries

[@LisaNEdwards]

agree, with you on the point that they have choice like everyone does, but addiction as we know makes those choices almost impossible to make the right one

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I like your balanced thinking on this subject, Lisa!

[@LisaNEdwards]

Put The Shovel Down I’ve learned from the best... you ❤️

[@McCainsh]

Thank you so much for your videos Angela. As a recovering alcoholic I've learned a lot from you around my behavior.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome, McCainish! I always feel it's a big compliment when people already in recovery agree with my philosophies!

[@thesportsmomma5397]

I am guilty of having double standards - my well sons no excuses and open honesty about adverse behavior my Sud son gets a pass 🤦‍♀️ BUTZ HE IS ILL not bad. I choose relationship over being right for the sake of being right

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I agree Stephanie, Relationship is the most important. (way more important than semantics!)

[@lauraparker396]

My grown son just cusses at me, calls me names, and threatens me because I am the only one not enabling him. I mostly block him now. Last time I refused to send him money, he said he didn’t want to see me. Nothing I can do.

[@dorariggs3473]

Step 1 clarity I heard recently: 'Powerless' does not equal 'Helpless'

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Love it!

[@saskiaguy1940]

Is it OK for me to say to my husband that I believe he’s an alcoholic? I’ve been told before it’s not right for me to ‘label’ him. He needs to first call himself that.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I don't think I'd start a fight over it, but I wouldn't protect him from the issue either.

[@jodypixley6683]

My thoughts on addiction is that it should be titled The MENTAL illness of Addiction! And that their mental thinking while addicted to medications or drugs or drink is the problem Is what should be addressed ! I think that becouse the laws are what is most publisized that the issue of being illegal is what is most important and it us not! It is what the drugs or drink makes many many people act and do while under the influence !

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so right Jody... There isn't enough emphasis put on the mental illness aspect of the problem!

[@jimmiegaskin7929]

The first drink is the individuals decision, all the drinks following that drink is the alcohols choice.

[@madelinemedina3445]

What do you do when your son is living on the streets? How does one get on your feet with no support? No job, no car. The hopeless causes them to keep using. I’m stuck between helping and leaving him to figure it out? When their mind is off they don’t have the same sensibilities? I’m struggling with this.

[@lorip6790]

My husband uses substances after attempting being clean and sober as his reward, after admitting that it's making the situation of our marriage stressful and unruly as if he's forgotten about the negative effects. What should I do?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Lori, I know that's so terribly frustrating 😒, however, it's not uncommon. It's kind of like when you reward yourself with a cheat day after being on a diet. I know the consequences aren't the same, but that's the way it feels to the person.

[@lorip6790]

@@PutTheShovelDownhe's not considering sobriety any longer. It's making his health and job performance worse, however he can't see that. He stays up several hours while I sleep drinking and doing drugs after work and I get no sleep or it's interrupted by his drunkenness. He denies everything. What's a girl to do?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

@@lorip6790 I’d recommend considering doing our Invisible Intervention program. It’s designed for these types of situations. If your interested you can find the link in any of the descriptions under my videos.

[@jodien5800]

My AH hates the label because he doesn't think he has an addiction. Should I still use the term with him? Wouldn't it take away credits or causes lack of trust with me?

[@taramahabir9605]

If someone saying nothing wrong with them and the family is seeing that he us an alcoholic and he need help but don't want to accept help.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Maybe this will help. It's my videos about dealing with denial: kzbin.info/aero/PLaaJWwIpP_zbt7K5LWKBwDtivT9DZ8TsF

[@tinaandfam4751]

I have a family member who has an addiction and she hasn’t been able to get REAL help bc of finances (lack there of)!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Tina, Lining up treatment can definitely be complicated, but there are usually places that offer help at a free or low cost rate.

[@tinaandfam4751]

@@PutTheShovelDown I appreciate your feedback. However, we live in SC and have been dealing with her addiction for over 20 years. She’s been in several “free/government” places, after attempting suicide, but they keep her about 2 weeks max and send her out. She recently got Medicaid or Medicare and went to the Carolina Center in Greer, SC. They kept her for 30 days, then her insurance stopped paying so they sent her out. She went to a “halfway” house where they took her entire disability check for rent. She was RAPED while outside the house. Ended up in the hospital (AGAIN) before we found anything out. As a healthcare Provider myself, I struggle with where to recommend to patients seeking help. It’s VERY DIFFICULT (where I live) to find a place willing to accept patients without ability to pay.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

@@tinaandfam4751 you must live where I live! sounds like she’s been going into acute care facilities. Im familiar with facilities you named.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

@@tinaandfam4751 has she ever tried Renewal? It’s a longer term program?

[@lorip6790]

When you were talking about the good guy and bad guy roles and your spouse asking you to have a drink with them, my husband does that sometimes. Later on he'll say that I drank too. Where's the fine line of holding them accountable for being affected by the alcohol and their words and actions that hurt other people? If I have even one drink with him, he uses the fact that I had the drink in his favor. He's really bargaining going back and forth a lot. Right now he is mad and has left the house because he assumed that when I gave him advice about his daughter getting money/pot/alcohol from him, and he asked for the advice, that I intentionally told him not to enable her because she is starting down the path of drugs and alcohol and he is providing it for her. He is also giving her money and she doesn't do anything to earn that money. He's allowing her to live a footloose and fancy free life where she gets to do whatever she wants with her boyfriend, and that's usually drugs and alcohol. It runs in his family. his daughter has grown up watching him drink and his father period his brother also has had opioid addiction problems for several decades and has shown a lot of improvement lately. There's a lot of sibling rivalry going on between the two of them. He has a lot of stress and he uses it all as a coping mechanism, which makes his mindset and the twisting of reality in these situations even worse. He feels shame and blames me for feeling bad because of the things he's done in our marriage and to his family. How do I help him? What can I say to him?

[@jslifetv5121]

It’s all a balance.

[@jslifetv5121]

I think the best way of thinking for me was taking my feelings out of it and looking at the facts and reality that helped me to begin to set boundaries and realize I was enabling instead of helping. Taking my feelings out of the equation helped me to do what I needed to do without feeling so bad when holding him accountable.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thats good advice Jslife!

[@maranatha8768]

The first time they hit you LEAVE

[@thesportsmomma5397]

Well, that’s like calling someone fat or calling them fatso, they know their fat.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Interesting point.

[@maranatha8768]

Never Go Back They Lie

[@a..r.9341]

🥇🥇🥇

[@sharonscott1776]

Why do u go off subject ? Please get to the point of giving us answers

[@maranatha8768]

IF HE WAS WITH A WOMAN IN A SHELTER DONT GO WITH HIM

[@PutTheShovelDown]

🙋‍♂️Want to learn more about how to avoid enabling, click this link:🙋 kzbin.info/aero/PLaaJWwIpP_zYdP4Ag0K018GOsG7uyAYro