How To Stop Enabling Addiction

[@christinamorales6887]

I cut my son out of life and took back my life and took back my power. I’m focused on my own healing on my own and my son won’t come into my life again unless he is in treatment and counseling. No more....I am living my life and stop wasting my life.

[@monicapyle]

Amen!

[@Geez01]

I am where you are. I tried all the techniques that were suppose to work and my son has been addicted for 8 years now. I've been thru it all with him, I sometimes feel like I'm tired of loving him. God Help Me!! I know it's not to late for him but for now I have to turn that energy inward.

[@utube0372]

Christina , my son is 34 years old and he is a drug addict for over 25 years and now I have anxiety and I feel so lost cuz I am tired of living this life so your message was very uplifting. How are you doing today two years later ? Thank you

[@misharif2742]

I need to do that done with him!

[@vclocals5536]

Yeah I've said this about 3 times so far. He's in his room high.😂

[@charlesverrill]

This woman gets it!! Addiction is a choice, just as deciding to enable the addict is also a choice. Every morning, addicts get to decide whether they will get high today, or go into recovery. Because getting high is more comfortable, they choose getting high. Only when things become very uncomfortable do they decide to change their behavior. As a parent, you too have a choice. Will you provide your addict child with money they need to support their addiction because it is more comfortable for you to know they have a roof over their head, or will you step outside your comfort zone by ceasing to enable them? Remember, CHANGE IS UNCOMFORTABLE! Is it difficult to watch you child suffer the ravages of addiction? Hell yes. But always remember, by making them comfortable (providing for all their needs, including money for drugs) they will have no reason to change their behavior.

[@theKaufmanTapes]

Steven Li it's not that simple . . If a person starts using when they are a teenager, their brain is not fully mature and it will be harder for them. We fought for 22 years but in the end we lost. Addiction is a fatal progressive disease. We can motivate them to accept treatment, but it has no lasting affect. Suboxone or methadone treatment will save lives. A very very small percentage of people quit using and stay off drugs without medical help. This is your dream not reality. Addiction is a chronic relapsing disease. There is no cure.

[@victorialadybug1]

@@theKaufmanTapes That's not true. Addiction is a choice.

[@theKaufmanTapes]

Victoria . . Would you choose this kind of life? To be sick all the time? To go to jail? To be thrown out? To be hated by everyone? Who would chose this?

[@jaredminter5361]

@@theKaufmanTapes my brother is a serious meth addict who literally screams at me and my mom treats us like garbage then ask for help with money and food. After treating us with pure hatred we got him to rehab he quit after 2 weeks. His best friends tried the same thing. He told all of us he will never quit he's now facing felony charges on 2grams of meth

[@jaredminter5361]

Addiction starts with a choice but when you never even want help. Then what? I can't think of anything to help him...

[@amyconnell1090]

With such a high percentage of addicts, why is there not a hotline for family, friends, loved ones to call when at wit's end? So many are desperate for help. All focus is on the addict.

[@breezybird403]

Al-anon is usually a good resource.

[@mariewinter8869]

There is Boy's Town a 24 Hr hotline. And im sure there are more 24 hotlines. But their are resources available out there.

[@OfftoShambala]

Because the powers that shouldn’t be, are in the advantage by socially engineering the break down and destruction of the people. They do not benefit from intellectually aware and well adjusted healthy people. They are a threat. Bottom line.

[@reginalewis9680]

Brilliant I need to get out of my comfort zone enabling him because of my loneliness of telling him no and not being manipulated

[@wayneosullivan5369]

And I am 16 years sober ,I didn’t choose that GOD gave it to me through being present one day at a time

[@CandacePlattor]

Congratulations on your sobriety.

[@christinamorales6887]

I left the family system that was dysfunctional and toxic and I have peace.

[@monicapyle]

Same

[@christinamorales6887]

They are narcissistic and abusive and we need to stop letting them hurt us.

[@starr970]

Yup

[@mfcmxtt6490]

they are unsafe. to you and themselves you can't stop them being unsafe to themselves but you get to decide if they are unsafe with you. being safe is a Choice. being safe is self loving

[@BrandiXo]

You are so right. You are the first person to say this. It's a choice. I see where addicts say it's a disease I can't help it, it's like cancer. And being someone battling cancer it's offensive and one is not like the other. But I can see where addiction is like a cancer. And could always come back like cancer, based on your choices. Eat better, alkaline the body to keep cancer away. Don't to drugs to keep the addiction away.

[@qwertyu8832]

being firm through the threats and self harm is the true test but also the older they are the harder to change people

[@mateorome]

Ma'am I my self currently have an addiction problem. Hearing your words was like being splashed with cold Water. You are beyond correct on all points. God bless you, thanks

[@candaceplattor2531]

Hi Matt - when you're ready for some help with this, feel free to fill out the Questionnaire at the link above.

[@mateorome]

@@candaceplattor2531 thank you, I'll check it out for sure.

[@boarhog1979]

100 % correct again. The truth is the only way to deal with this problem

[@patriciasnyder3027]

So very relieved to hear the word “choice”. I have believed this forever. I’m not on my first rodeo. My other just changed substances. Drugs alcohol inter mixed. Putting it all on the line. Not willing to continue riding this roller coaster and watch my other slowly disintegrate. It is stealing my life also. Have to admit I am angry to have to go to alanon but I realize there is information to be learned. So I put it out there which I must admit is not a difficult endeavor for me to do, drew my line in the sand. I do not accept the responsibility of another’s chosen actions. Maybe we will make it maybe we won’t. My heart is so very heavy.

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Patricia - this is such a courageous act on your part, and in my opinion it is the most loving thing you can do, in terms of not accepting responsibility for your other's behaviour. Until that happens, the enabling of the addict keeps them too comfortable in the addiction and they stay stuck there. I do understand how heavy your heart is - this is such a difficult situation for every loved one of an addicted person. But to respond in any other way than to give responsibility for this back to the person who continues to choose to be in that lifestyle will only enable the addiction to progress. Even when people choose to see addiction as a disease, underneath that it requires the choice to stop - the loved ones need to make a choice to stop enabling, which brings the addicts closer to making the choice to stop using. Anyone who is in active recovery knows that ultimately it took making a choice - on their part - to stop.

[@BeefZupreme]

My brother is an addict. I’ve lived with seeing and dealing with him for over 10 years. My mom constantly pushing him on to me. For years I haven’t realized what I was doing was enabling… Im done dealing with it.

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi co2 - I really believe the most loving thing you can do for your brother and for yourself is to stop enabling him. It will only serve to keep him stuck in his addiction and you will continue to feel the understandable frustration you're expressing here.

[@boarhog1979]

The " Disease" point of view is a total excuse and when this word is used enables the person and helps them feel more like a victim.. In reality the family members become the victims because of these addicts.

[@boarhog1979]

I know exactly what I am talking about. Clown. Quit making excuses for you pathetic life. Cancer is a disease . So if someone has a addiction to cigarettes it is a disease to you idiot?

[@millsykooksy4863]

I completely agree. I like to call it substance abuse vs a disease

[@casey9789]

I was an meth/heroine addict for 15yrs, and you are 100% right, the system termed it a disease as an excuse why they couldnt help people. saying I cant help it i have a disease. that is enabling, once I said fuck this, I am not powerless, I will not destroy my life. thats when I got clean, 3yrs ago.

[@KK-gi3wt]

You do not need to be rude and vile by name calling someone. That shows emotional you are immature and not able to even communicate your thoughts in a healthy way. No one will listen to you as you have a realy valid point.

[@casey9789]

I don't even see who hes arguing with lmao. cuz no one is arguing with him, and I was a horrible addict for 15yrs and im going thru school to change that way of thinking. if it were a disease how did i stop just by my own will?

[@kellie125]

Leave. Point blank. Period. I learned the hard way. Trying my hardest not to go back but I know it is what is best for him. He will not wake up until he loses everyone.

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Kellie - yes, it sounds like it might be best to leave him for his sake. I'm hoping that if you leave and don't go back, you're also doing that for YOUR own sake. If you can see the wisdom of doing it for yourself first, then it will be a lot easier for you to not go back. Good luck!

[@Jdrummer77]

Yes you can stop the behaviour, but you can’t stop being an addict. The brain is changed forever, after 5 years sober and leaving my job as outreach worker to finish my high school after 23 years no school and make a plan to gain a career. This change was stressful and led to me dreaming about it almost everyday, stressors like a big change or even coming up to a clean date trigger what’s called post acute withdrawal or PAWS and it never fully leaves you, meaning you are an addict for life sober or not. When you stop using you aren’t deciding to stop being and addict, you are just deciding to stop using one day at a time. So the theory that an addict can stop being an addict, is wrong , it may seem that way because aren’t using right now. They will never be able to use moderately again, harm reduction doesn’t work for addicts. Science has proven addiction is not a choice, but I agree once sober I have the choice to not relapse, while in addiction I was powerless. The outreach work or harm reduction was enabling and not cool especially for myself as a recovering addict, my pal. Was to help people in recovery but my boss threw me in the wrong direction. Never enable an addict, my mom had to cut me off and I ended up on the street 4 times and I climbed my way out of my addiction. Enabling only varies the addict further and further in h the ground. The may never get it even if you cut them off but that’s not on you is it, it’s up to the addict to change on their own. Sorry for long comment, this subject is near and dear to me.

[@0oohnegative]

Addiction seems to be a SERIES of choices/ a CHOSEN PATTERN of self soothing that leads to "dis-ease" ...at least from what i can see within my own addictions and habits.

[@blairbushproject]

Yah what a comfortable world you live in. When people experience war crimes, torture, inter generational PTSD, extreme weather crisis. Especially for torture. If you are not an enlisted person it’s rare to afford treatment for traumatic events. Self medication is the typical course of action especially without any way to manage pain.

[@robthom09]

I have never had problems with drugs, and never tried them. Looking back, I was never really tempted.. drugs, smoking, or being drunk. I think a lot of it is because I had jobs since 6th grade. We weren't poor, but never much beyond basic food, shelter and clothes. Didn't buy my first bicycle, but bought my second. Some of the reasons, that I never tried anything was because I didn't want to waste my money like that, and I played some sports. I remember even paying for car tires, and some repairs, so I drove slowly and was very gentle to the cars. But also, I remember delivering newspapers door to door at 5:00 in the morning. I was 15. One morning I was delivering when across the street I saw a classmate delivering his route. 15 years old, and I could see the glow of his cigarette at 5:00 in the morning. Most kids at that time only smoked around their friends, but he was addicted already. Once he tried to get me to try it. I didn't say anything, but threw it on the ground. He was a good kid otherwise, but died at 42 from cocaine overdose.

[@zebrasfly1]

My son has continued over 30 years to try to beat alcoholism. Last year he stayed sober for 1 year and absolutely blossomed. He turned his life around. Then his relationship broke down and within 24 hours he lost every gain he’d made. For 2 months now, he has consumed 2 litres of vodka per day and destroyed every avenue to recovery we have available in Australia plus he’s become violent and abusive. He runs out of money and enters the DTs and vomits, shakes and sweats for 4-5 days until he gets his dole cheque. ( I won’t give him money). Then he starts drinking again. He is weak and sick. I tell him I love him. I tell him he has a hard choice to make and I tell him I’ll respect and accept his decision. Sometimes I give him food. I feel he’s going to die. I’ve done everything I can. I’m very sad because he’s suffering. 🤷‍♀️

[@CandacePlattor]

I can imagine how sad you feel about this. He is making the decision to drink instead of facing his life. It sounds like you know that, and can remind him of that. Unfortunately it is his decision to make. But he can do it differently, he can make another choice. I suggest that you stop telling him that you will "respect and accept" his decision and if he can meet with you when he is sober, I have no problem with you giving him food. If he tries to see you when he is drunk and disrespectful, I suggest that you don't give him food or anything else. I know this is hard for you, but the more you keep enabling him, in whatever ways you are, the longer it will take for him to change his decision. If you would like to have a free 30-minute consultation with a Love With Boundaries counsellor, please visit lovewithboundaries.com/how-can-we-help/

[@Geez01]

Her outlook on this topic has been very helpful. I've been struggling with my son since he was 15, he's 26 now and nothing has changed. I enable him and I tell myself I do it so he doesn't turn to crime for drugs. I know my actions are a direct contributor to his condition.

[@utube0372]

Hi there , my son is 34 years old and is an addict so I totally understand how you feel. Are things better now I hope ?

[@Geez01]

@@utube0372 Hello, I'm sorry to hear of your son. it's hard loving an addict. I wish I could say things were different. My son is now 27 years old, his situation has not changed. He smokes marijuana with every nickel he gets his hands on and has now turned to alcohol. he's been fired from more than 25-30 jobs since he was 16 and that's not an exaggeration. He's the last of 3 kids that still live with me and Im not sure what else I can do to for him. I sometimes think I need to let him find his bottom wherever that may be? Ps, thank you for your response.

[@utube0372]

@@Geez01 I'm sorry, I know this is very hard on the family especially because sadly addicts become so cold that they don't even realize the damage they do to their loved ones. My son is 34 years old his drug of choice is heroine so as you can imagine my fear is that one day he has an OD. My son has lost great jobs like the Post office and FPL........ But he just feels like oh well I will just "keep on trucking" and doesn't realize the miss opportunities. I had to finally tell my son last week that it's either rehab or live on his own so he moved out and of course now I feel guilty.... It's a vicious cycle. I'm sorry you and your family are going through all this. Stay strong, keep praying and have you heard about Teen Challenge Rehab? It's a very good ministry and my son was there 7x and left it sadly but it's such a good rehab at no cost so keep that in mind for your son. God bless you and please work on healing yourself cuz this can take us to the grave

[@Geez01]

@@utube0372 Thank you so much it certainly helps talking to someone going through the same thing. I know I'm the only thing between my son having a home life and living on the street eating garbage. I often talk to him about rehab and counseling. I've even had him 302'd years back to try and force treatment but the results didn't last. I will certainly look into what you suggest. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son, heroine is a scary drug and does tremendous damage. God bless you!!

[@utube0372]

@@Geez01 yes it's a very scary and evil drug. And I agree it helps talking with someone who sadly is going through the same thing. I might even look into going to Ananon meetings. I didn't in the past because I thought oh I got this lol but in reality it gots me but thank goodness for God's love cuz if it wasn't for Him I would be a TOTAL mess. Have a blessed day.

[@judiblakely3622]

It's hard to go to work for many people without supports in place such as a MAT program. The best part of this video is the importance of friends and relatives changing themselves. This needs to be extended to the general public so all of society can help restore this epidemic. Reducing stigmatization so people in recovery can get work is so important. We all need to learn how we contribute and how we can restore balance.

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Judi - it is clear that you understand the importance of how 'helpful' family members and other loved ones can be in this situation when they stop whatever enabling behaviours they might be doing. Thank you for speaking to that in your comment!

[@frankiesmith9186]

Wow great topic and powerful testimonial, am sure she has helped so many . I didn't hear any mention of mental illnesses, which is a huge problem with any addiction. I myself am not a professional, nor have had any substance addiction, but I am personally being effected by it from a love one, so I know this first hand...yet no one seems to address it, on other sites as well 🤔

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Frankie - I hear what you're saying about mental health and addiction, and you are absolutely right. I am not a mental health specialist, but what I do know for sure is that when mind-altering addiction and mental health issues come together, there can be great difficulty diagnosing and medically helping people who need that when they are also embroiled in the addiction - where does one begin and the other one end? So - to be able to get the addiction more under control is necessary to be able to accurately diagnose mental illness and be able to deal with that effectively. I appreciate you bringing this issue up.

[@CashThat4U]

Wooowww! "If you want the addict to change that you love so much...often you have to change first!" That comment right there. Because that's what my ex husband did! I was changing and he was following suit. This as of this moment, is still a process because he's been recovering for years and I with my codependency for just over a year. And even though I'm still working on mine, he sees it and put me in the friendship zone for his own mental well being!

[@aliciasaracino1233]

i tried that ....didnt work, heartbroken devastated and drained.

[@kellyhayescrook7479]

If only it was that easy but it’s much more complex. They can have a social network that supports their behaviour and our influence is so limited against that. I believe that when and only when the user wants to change their behaviour, change will happen. I do agree it’s a choice. The user’s choice.

[@robertbates6249]

I'm right where u are now sooo drained

[@annabanzon313]

Thank you for emphasizing free will. Everyone is equalized by the reality of making wise or unwise decisions.

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Anna, I totally agree and thank you for this uplifting message.

[@rickilynnwolfe8357]

Thank you lady's I will be in touch ,God bless And Candis looks absolutely beautiful.Congratulations on your 29 years sober...

[@sandraerichsen6382]

I am an enabler and just cant seem to do the right thing

[@ruthnoble3983]

I didn’t chose to loose my job, partner, house, mind. Step 1 of the 12 step programme is to admit we’re powerless over alcohol. If you haven’t been there, you don’t know. My sister and brother had the same upbringing I did. I am bodily different in the way I process alcohol to them. I don’t comment on cocaine addicts or heroin addicts recovery because I don’t know anything about that. I hope all watching find the help they need. There is a helpline for al-anon as well as AA.

[@reginalewis9680]

My addiction to him enables his addiction to drugs😮

[@CandacePlattor]

I'm so glad you can see that, Regina. Once you make a change in what you're doing, you may very well see a shift in what he's doing.

[@HoneyDubey23]

Being tough is the only way. You cant be manipulated or be emotional. Its not a disease, its a choice. Tiered of enablers, the enablers are mostly family members and the rest of the world has to deal with thier choices

[@candaceplattor2531]

Hi Honey - I couldn't agree with you more!

[@andreaneibler9066]

I think if you have an addictive behavior by nature and become addicted to alcohol or drugs, treatment for the addictive behavior is important in the treatment process. I wouldn't call that a disease but it does further complicate a bad situation. By addictive behavior I mean impulsive like undiagnosed ADHD or something along that line. Of course this goes along with the fact that most addicts have an underlying issue that triggered addiction in the first place, depression for instance. Again, not really a disease but definitely serious issues that need addressed for success.

[@taracumming9920]

What if the enabler stops but there are other enablers? And what if the addict won’t admit they are an addict?

[@antonralph3491]

Well said. I have seen people drinking themselves to death living in horrible conditions without stopping.

[@selah71]

@@whitetower67 My son, deceased, was an alcoholic. At times it was hard to distinguish between helping and enabling. For a short while he was homeless and sleeping in a shelter. He'd burned many bridges. A year after he became clean and sober, he took his life. Losing him almost killed me. He was a good kid and very sensitive. I think most, if not all, alcoholics are. So, now this gal, was our neighbor, showed up at our door out of the blue six months after being evicted because she spent her rent money on booze. She knows about my son. She works, (a functioning alcoholic to some extent), but is living with her boyfriend in his truck who, I learned from her mom, he won't even apply at McDonald's because he's "too good" to work for them. So, its cold outside. She said she and her boyfriend are hungry and could I spare some food, a blanket, socks and, by the way, a few bucks for gas? "They messed up my paycheck." She said. I gave her these things and a few bucks, too. All the while thinking about my son. Twice, I gave a few bucks and food. Now, she wants to use the shower. I know if she had her way they'd love to move in. Goes without saying! I've not yet texted back about her showering here. Last time she hinted about needing a shower and I told her truck stops have showers. I'm not exactly sure what to say other than a simple no. But, I'm fairly sure that won't stop her from showing up, calling and texting. I'm not comfortable at all about this. Moreso after learning from her mom that she heard that her daughter's boyfriend may be on drugs. Meth or crack. (Her parents moved out of state for their well being.) Never met him. He stays in the truck and lets her beg. Nice guy, huh? So, besides not comfortable and realizing I'm enabling, I'm thinking I will tell her I simply can't go through this again. And so true. She's living her own life. Just as my son lived his own. Doesn't mean I agree nor judge. Doesn't mean I don't have compassion, for I certainly do. I couldn't save my son. I can't save her, either. Only myself and that has taken years. Not sure if I should text or call her about my decision. Anyway, I've been up thinking, praying and searching Utube for advise and your comment struck so truthful. Thank you. Wish me luck!

[@marleneh.7318]

Interesting video. Not going it alone is helpful. You don't say your prices. Might check it out further or try local help. I think the video was great, thanks.

[@Justanothermarie]

I’m an enabler from afar my 31yr old son has verbally and emotionally abused me and blames me for my toxicity as a young mother I’ve made all the wrong choices didn’t protect him didn’t guide him etc I have a lot of guilt but I’ve never been an alcoholic or addict I tried my best with him so so I cut him off cold turkey so to speak? He is highly intelligent and our wits me at every turn I cannot say the correct thing EVER

[@switzerbelle]

I`m sorry you are going through this. Same here. I live with my abusive Heroin addict son, who is gradually destroying my house and i can`t get him out. the police wont help. I live in an insanity filled environment. Of course he blames me for everything. He is barely sober anymore.

[@donnasmith9362]

My daughter is an addict .i told her I was putting her out I can't take it anymore and she told me I was just going to make it worse

[@user-ee5om8wy7u]

One point I want to challenge. I believe that diabetes number 2 is actually a form of side effect from processed food addiction, which can be stopped (unlike cancer). There is a thing, such as junk food addiction. Processed, carb- loaded, industrially produced foods are a substance that some people cannot stop overconsuming in spite of destroying their health or dying. If a person constantly eats white bread and sweets and continues to eat so EVEN after they become completely immobile due to morbid obesity or after their legs get amputated due to diabetes, how is that not an addiction? It is an addiction that is often fatal. The only difference is that the substance of their addiction is legal and socially promoted since childhood.

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi @user-ee5om8wy7u, I totally agree with you - except for the part where you say the person can't stop eating those foods. They are making a decision to eat those foods regardless of the consequences. Hopefully they have someone who will tell them that they can stop, and make a different decision.

[@bayleedm4336]

I’ve already changed my life enough .... I’m not accommodating the addict anymore it’s been too many years of manipulation

[@sage8889]

This has presented w/me so much confirmation.

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Sage - I'm very glad to hear that. Please don't give up - stopping the enabling is a much more loving act.

[@paigeashleey]

Great wisdom, it will help me thank you

[@Ingrid0410]

I agree. As The late Mother Angelica said addiction is the only disease you can cure with the Will. I wish yd be more direct here and say “don’t do these things, do these things” too much round about talk. There are NO rehabs in LA that take MediCal hv tried for 4 years thus son in addiction

[@Shawn-ds9ug]

Thank you!

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Shawn - it's my pleasure - glad this helped!

[@anthonyfoster8675]

This is great, very practical and real-life. Have you seen Dr. KJ Foster's videos on addiction? They're also great.

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Anthony, I haven't seen those videos but I will look into them. Thanks for the tip.

[@shanasheree5563]

I'm living with an alcholic .i may have to get a restraining order ...its my home .i suggested us to seperate till he gets better but he won't .im so mentally exhausted ...i get off work he's intoxicated when hes off its worse .i been working on myself but its so frustrating

[@cassandra3862]

The most difficult thing to hear is that, just because the enabler stops enabling, does not mean that the addict will ‘hit bottom’ and ‘be ready’ to get into recovery. They may never be ready and some people have very low ‘bottoms’. We have to stop enabling any way., and mainly for our own sakes!

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Cassandra, you are so right - we are powerless over the addicts in our lives and we have to set the boundaries with them anyway, and stop enabling them. I know that this is very difficult for you, it's a hard place to be, and it sounds like you're doing all the right things. I hope the addict in your life makes the decision for him/herself to stop using.

[@kristingranger1698]

I need ur help

[@lindaruss3772]

There are lots of types of addicts. This method may work on some, but for someone with an addictive personality, they don't walk in and announce that they are ready for help. And even though they may hit bottom several times, they're always willing and able to climb out, and get high again. And she did say, the addict is a liar, so why "buy it" even if they do announce they are ready for rehab??

[@mtinsfsd]

Candace, this is good but it’s so hard bc being around an addict means that ur world shrinks, thus support shrinks bc one isolates to maintain around an addict, so it is hard to remove one’s self

[@CandacePlattor]

I understand. Yes, you're right - it's very hard. But what is the other choice - to continue to enable a person to continue their addiction? How can that be a loving act?

[@LadyLuck8_4]

First step is to open up to someone about it and start building your own support network and then if applicable plan your escape. The alcoholic often has their own support network with the purpose of enabling their own alcoholism.

[@susiekrabacher7468]

How does one make an appointment

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Susie. Please email me at [e-mail] and I'll share how to proceed, so you can book a free 30 minute Zoom consultation.

[@CyberCheese392]

We should consider the possibility of a dysfunctional family having an addict self-medicate in order to escape from emotional abuse from within the family. Ideas put out here, such as the generalization that enablers are people pleasers and addicts are rageful, can be counter-productive to reaching a solution and can even perpetuate existing abuse. Another toxic idea is that: everyone an addict interacts with is a victim of the addict. Families can say this to make the addict feel guilty and worthless, even if it is not true. They can claim that they have been victimized the whole time. Gaslighting and scapegoating. And the third toxic idea put out here: to make an addict live in an uncomfortable situation until they hit rock bottom or seek treatment. Families can say this to justify their perpetual abuse to the perpetual addict. The family scapegoat. However, at 13:04 : "And we develop a program for your particular family, for your particular need. This isn’t a cookie cutter kind of thing where we follow the same steps for every family, it’s not like that" Oh, you should have started with that!

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi CyberCheese - thank you for your comment. It sounds like you either know some victimized addicts or perhaps that you are/were an addict who was victimized by your family - as was I. Depending on our circumstances, we can see the world through a variety of filters. My basic message is that when addicts are enabled, there is little chance of recovery because addicts generally stay stuck in active addiction under those conditions. When we stop the enabling, we can stop the addiction.

[@CyberCheese392]

​@@CandacePlattor Oh hello! Yes, I understand your message, stopping direct enabling can stop the addiction. And my message is, but it can also do some harm! And yes it is good to be able to see the world through an assortment of filters, it is a sort of empathy. With the world economy how it currently is, I bet your organization has a lot of business! The USA over here is enabling us to be addicts because of a lack of a good economy hehe!

[@CandacePlattor]

@@CyberCheese392 I agree with you about societal and governmental enabling - don't get me started! (As that saying goes...). And I also agree that loved ones need to come from a place of love when setting boundaries and natural/logical consequences. Families need to love their addicts enough to do what's right for them, even when it's difficult for the family - and this needs to be done from a place of compassion, not from a place of anger - which is all too easy to feel when a family has been dealing with this for a long time.

[@CyberCheese392]

@@CandacePlattor Yeah there needs to be compassion with the family for the ideas to work but if it is from a place of anger it is putting fuel to the fire - after all it is all too easy to mix up intent with implementation. A mix up that will perpetuate or even create dysfunctionality within the family.

[@CandacePlattor]

Yes, that's why I do the work I do with families, so that we can get the best possible outcomes. I believe it's worth a try.

[@lailonnietukes4456]

My cousin is on dope.. honestly nobody enables him he shoplift for a living to support his habit because he know nobody in our family is about to give him nothing but prayer and right about now he isn't interested..

[@g.3735]

Thank you!!

[@CandacePlattor]

My pleasure.

[@howard1beale]

Would it kill you to mention AL ANON, which is GLOBAL and FREE?????

[@CandacePlattor]

You just did - and that's an option that a lot of people take.

[@whiteelk427]

It's 5 o'clock somewhere, maybe. But you are loaded lady, all the right tools. Will add you to my tool bag. Feel free to holler at me anytime.

[@jesslazz1061]

If someone has this problems also aking for the rent would push them...money for laundry..for meaks..etc

[@joannejordan8684]

Where can we go if we don’t have money?

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Joanne - there are many non-profit organizations that offer free or low-cost counselling, especially for the addicts. If you're looking for someone who really knows how to work with the addict's loved ones, you may need to 'interview' a few counsellors to see if they are a fit for you. There is also Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, which follow the same 12 Step/disease model as AA and NA - that's free but works for some people and doesn't work for others. I really hope you can find something that would be a good fit for you!

[@jenmidwest8026]

My husband and I feel sad because we detached from our son. He ended up passing away. I so wish I had not detached, maybe we could have HELPED him during the time we were detached. Horrible.

[@lightbulb888]

I'm very sorry you had to experienced probably what must be the most horrible thing to experience in life. please don't blame yourself on top of it. It will take time, forgiveness and self compassion to heal. Love

[@deirdrecreel9634]

So sorry That is why people dont stop being there because of the fear that the love one will die. But I can only imagine your pain. I pray God will heal your broken hearts. I have a twin that is on meth and we will be 54 on the 19th. You would think hes too old for this. I lost a sister to drugs in 2001 and my dad in 2003.I am an enabler, but I am scared that he will die wither I help hkm or not. There is no guarantee. She acts like if u stop enabling everything will be ok. Only God knows that. Either way its not our fault or Our decision.

[@kathrynjoslyn1835]

May God heal your heart. You are loved and FORGIVEN.

[@cootacash]

I struggle with this with my mom but this is the Same idea that bind us and keeps us enabling or trying to save them and it really starts to ruin and control our lives by the fear

[@LadyLuck8_4]

How very very sad.

[@abutterfly7975]

It still keeps happening over and over. Mine has very bad adhd and that is something that is not controlled. The two together seem impossible to control.

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Butterfly - I understand that the two "seem" impossible to control, but they really aren't. When we set boundaries with people with either addiction or ADHD - or both - and attach consequences that will mean something to them if they continue to act out, not take appropriate meds, keep drinking and/or using, etc, then they will often make the choice to stop the acting out and begin looking after themselves in healthier ways. But - as a loved one, if you choose to do this, you'll need to be consistent with maintaining the boundaries because as soon as you cave, they will expect you to cave again so they may push your buttons even harder. Please don't give up hope and really try not to argue for your addict's limitations. There are ways around this, if you're willing to see them. If you need help doing that, feel free to reach out for help at LoveWithBoundaries.com.

[@KoolT]

It's a choice until it hooks you physically

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Joy - even when we are hooked physically, we still have a choice about reaching out for help so that we don't have to stay in addiction. Most people who decide to come into recovery (myself included) were physically hooked when we made the choice to take steps to stop our addiction.

[@joshuasheasby6837]

We are in Zimbabwe and there is no helo whatsoever . Can you advise?

[@candaceplattor2531]

Hi Joshua, thank you for reaching out. If you would like a free 30-minute consultation (online with a free platform like Zoom), please fill out and submit our Questionnaire. Once we receive it, we'll be in touch with you to schedule that session. Here's the link: candaceplattor.com/intake-questionnaire/. We'll look forward to hearing from you! Candace

[@bethelshiloh]

Thanks. Very helpful.

[@annagallanthijustwo5601]

Is it enabling when the alcohol only buys alcohol no food for him self but I do buy food he eats it all I just don't no how to deal with him

[@CandacePlattor]

As long as you keep buying his food, he will likely keep buying alcohol. When he gets hungry enough, he will likely either buy food instead or find a way that he can get free food.

[@ladylove333]

Thank you

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Lady Love - you're so welcome! Btw, this video was done several years ago and has the wrong website address in it. You'll want to have the newer one if you're trying to find the Questionnaire to fill out if you want to have our FREE 30-minute consultation. It's www.LoveWithBoundaries.com and the direct link to the Questionnaire is : lovewithboundaries.com/intake-questionnaire/ Please don't hesitate to get in touch if you'd like some help!

[@raechelyndawn2580]

And how does an addict with a broken out face and bad health get a job or even get hired? I’ve been in this for 2-years and this is a mess. I’ve put down boundaries and he just runs all over them, so now he is on the street. My health has been ruined from the Fentanyl that has been smoked in my house. I’m broke because of missing so much work and have no way of helping him… even if he comes to me and wants to change. I can barely take care of me. This is killing him and me and I’m literally dying going through this. I can’t afford professional counseling. 😢

[@maritholuithol]

Yes, where I Live counselling is not free, and I cant afford it. Rehabs, the affordable ones, are church run and long waiting times. Religion forms part of m6 daughters psychosis so she wont consider them.

[@CandacePlattor]

Raechel, I believe that your son needs to be detox/treatment before he even looks for a job that he will be able to keep. I hope you set some really good boundaries and take good care of your health, because you can't make yourself sick enough, to make him well.

[@CandacePlattor]

@@maritholuithol I hope that you will accept counselling from any place that does offer it from free, if you can't afford anything else. You need counselling as well, so if your daughter won't go, then I hope you will go anyway.

[@irvinmonreal7469]

I have a alcoholic son, how can I get an touch with you and how expensive are your sessions?

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Irvin. I suggest that you have a free 30-minute consultation with a Love With Boundaries counsellor. We know how to help you and can answer your questions at that time. I hope we hear from you! Please visit lovewithboundaries.com/how-can-we-help/

[@delnorth]

My addict is not using because he has no money but is video gaming. He experienced mental illness and had injuries due to his lifestyle. He’s been with me for a year and has not done any recovery. He may also have ADHD.

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Del, I hear that there are some real limitations for the addict in your life - and when that is the case, we have to be careful not to collude with that person and continue to argue for those limitations, because that will not help him at all. Even with limitations, he can still choose differently and live a better life for himself. But here's the deal - when an addict is allowed (enabled) to get away with behaviours that aren't good for him or for those around him, it is most likely that he will simply continue to do them because it's easier for him that way. But it's never a loving act on our part to enable addicts because that only serves to keep them stuck in the addiction. It sounds like it may be time for you to set some boundaries that are loving toward him and self-respectful for you, with consequences that will mean something to him. We need to HELP addicts live a better life, not ENABLE them to stay stuck in their self-destructive addictive behaviours.

[@NevaFreeman-fr6vu]

Do you deal with sex and emotional abuse addiction?

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Neva, yes we do because addiction, in any form, is the same thing. It is a decision that people make to not have to deal with life in a healthy way. So, if you would like to have a free 30-minute consultation with a Love With Boundaries counsellor, please visit lovewithboundaries.com/how-can-we-help/

[@silviawenson6105]

How many successful cases did you know , I almost give up after 15 years of suffering with my son

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Silvia, I know hundreds of families who decided to do the inner work to set up the boundaries. Most of those addicts are now clean. If you would like to have a free 30-minute consultation with a Love With Boundaries counsellor, please visit lovewithboundaries.com/how-can-we-help/

[@shaunmcinnis566]

I Don't understand how we can call it a disease when alcohol itself is a man made. I seems like we are kinda saying don't worry, it's not your fault.. Anyway, I'm sober for 12 years and grateful regardless and wish you all victory.

[@MonaLee]

How did you two record this video call side by side?

[@susiekrabacher7468]

I would like to have an appt if possible.

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Susie - my apologies for taking so long to reply to you. If you'd still like a session or a free 30-minute consultation, you can go to www.lovewithboundaries.com and fill out our Questionnaire. As soon as we receive it, someone will connect with you to set up the call. I hope we hear from you!

[@evamejia9108]

Candice what do you say to yourself so that you stop feeling shame and guilt when your in codependency recovery and gave them money for hygiene products while in treatment and decides he wants to leave treatment because he says he's stressed and tried to have him return it before getting on the bus to his hometown.i beat myself up and so angry and ends up drinking on the way

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Eva, it will be important for you to love him enough to do what's right for him, even when it's hard for you. I hope you will set the kind of boundaries that will be self-respecting and that will respect him as well.

[@LynMonton]

How would someone get in touch with her?

[@candaceplattor2531]

Hi Lyn, if you - or anyone else reading this - are wondering how to get in touch with me (Candace), there is a link above to our Questionnaire. Once we get that from you, we'll be in touch asap to set up the FREE 30-minute call just as soon as we can do it. We'll be happy to hear from you!

[@pattywildman1934]

How can I get in contact with u?

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Patty. Please complete this link to our questionnaire lovewithboundaries.com/intake-questionnaire/ Once we get that from you, we'll be in touch asap to set up the FREE 30-minute call just as soon as we can.

[@sophiekat463]

Filled out questionnaire and then submitted it just to be brought back to the start. Quite frustrating.

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Sophie, I've been having problems with my email for the past few days - my apologies for the frustration you were feeling - totally understandable. Thanks for persevering! I've received your questionnaire and will get back to you asap.

[@wayneosullivan5369]

I didn’t have a choice I had to get into recovery or die , I must work a 12 step program or I am going to overdose and die ,if it’s not my fault surely I don’t choose,I have no choice , I need to practice my 12 step or die , if I had a choice I would choose the heroin and crack , I was looking at suicide several times I survived ,I tried hanging my self ,taking a seven bag hit that should have killed me ,pharmaceuticals drugs , cutting my wrist ,I was at the end of my tether ,I needed a solution ,I have lost the power of choice it say in AA big book , I didn’t want to die ,that’s what I was choosing to continue committing suicide,until I reached an emotional and physical rock bottom to which there was only one way to recover ,in my eyes 12 step recovery ,of course there are many ways to recover ,start going to the gym ,take up martial arts ,do a college degree ,have a baby ,move out of current situation , find a job ,these are all strategy’s ,I need a higher power ,GOD ,that can permanently solve my heroin and crack addiction ,one day at a time , the surrender of self ,the confession of shortcomings,an inventory ,and above all the spirit of helping others ,so no I don’t choose these things I have to work them if I want to survive

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Wayne - although I know you may well disagree with me, I will say that in my opinion you did make one of the most important choices of your life - whether to go into recovery or die. Most of us who are in recovery have made that exact choice - and have continued to make that choice every day of our lives. I am happy for you that you made that decision.

[@CyberCheese392]

Dont use 12 steps. They will say you will never recover from your illness. Please use alternative treatments that utilize actual medicine in their treatments. 12 steps is obsolete.

[@jannahbravo6420]

What if they refuse help or treatment??

[@CandacePlattor]

Hi Jannah - that's when you look at your leverage and begin to set your healthy, loving, self-respectful boundaries. If you - or anyone else - need help with this, go to my website and fill out my Questionnaire for a free 30-minute telephone consultation: www.LoveWithBoundaries.com.

[@safarihearts_4501]

...but what if her mom won't change and causes the addict to replace

[@theKaufmanTapes]

How do you "relapse" if it's a choice?

[@tammymiles4369]

Relapse is the choice. You chose to drink again or do drugs again

[@theKaufmanTapes]

I think you are confused . . You choose to get help, you choose to go on methadone or suboxone. You cannot just choose to stop. You cannot willfully put yourself into life threatening withdrawal. We have very powerful self preservation instincts and well we should. There are a lot of reasons why people become addicted, most of which we do not understand. Just thank God you do not have that brain chemistry. . Believe me, no one would choose to live or die that way.

[@tammymiles4369]

@@theKaufmanTapes I was an addict, so I do know a bit about relapse. For me I chose it. I would never admit that when I was an addict. I would have blamed everything but me. At the end of the day though I chose to go to a bar. I chose to go to that party. I chose to call that friend. I could have continued the hard road of recovery, but wanted the easy way. I am speaking only for myself.

[@claudettebradley6782]

what about of the addict in your life didnt tell you they were done and decided to go into recovery on their own and has now turned away from you and the family because he was taught that we were the enablers and it was nit good fo him to return to us.

[@tmo4330]

good not to return to the enabler

[@Doriesep6622]

Just be happy and thankful he/she is clean. That is the important thing.

[@antonralph3491]

Addiction is not a choice. Addiction is more powerful than addict and the only thing more powerful than addiction is God in Christ. Addiction is a result of original sin. Jesus died to free us from our sin. One must call out to God who is more than able and willing to help us. Many addicts have experienced freedom in Christ. I bet this woman is so compassionate that she wouldn't help you an addict if they had no money.

[@howard1beale]

This woman has no idea what she's talking about vis a vis addiction not being a disease like cancer. It's emotional and spiritual cancer. She is right about the terror of living with the effects of someone else's addiction. It's interesting that just as she vainly talks about her choice to stay sober and clean, she doesn't mention AA or Al Anon. But her suggestion is helpful at 9:10.

[@CandacePlattor]

Just because we have a different opinion doesn't mean that I don't know what I'm talking about. Learning to disagree without being disagreeable is, in my opinion, a good way to live. As the saying goes, you do you.

[@howard1beale]

@@CandacePlattor you dont know what you're talking about but you do say a couple of interesting things. I cant help it if you're wrong! Anyway why do you give a shit what I think?

[@theveryplumdarcey]

​@@CandacePlattor l love this response 😊

[@eileenmacdougall8945]

Boar Hog, I totally agree !

[@ravenmom75]

Sorry.....but it is a choice. You choose to use.

[@juliedefee567]

Where did you find this information?

[@theKaufmanTapes]

No . .it can’t be both. Either it is a disease or a choice. The scientific community has established that addiction is an illness and it has been published in the medical books as such. No question about it! It has been established. Now maybe we can go from here!

[@LadyLuck8_4]

Did they have the disease when their alcoholism started or did they develop the disease or even an immunity and tolerance level to reach the height of inebriation as before.

[@monicapyle]

She said it's a choice

[@casey9789]

if my family turned thier back on me like all these "specialists" say to do, I would be dead and not 3yrs clean from a 15yr addiction.

[@lightbulb888]

I don't think they are saying to turn their backs at addicts. More like the opposite.

[@victorialadybug1]

It's not about turning your back on someone, it's about forcing them to accept responsibility for their actions.

[@miraclesforus2]

No one us aying to turn your back on an addict but when the addict refuses a treatment or support plan you wind up enabling. Its either life or death. I know ive done everything for my son but when im paying for his drugs ...thats killing him to. Bottomline is person eith addiction has to put everything snd effort into getting well. And statistically most dont. And when thats the case...you wind up funding their habit.

[@miraclesforus2]

Victoria ..well said..but rather giving them no other alternative but to face themselves.

[@blakestone1843]

why do people need drugs there is an outside world for a reason

[@elijoy4123]

this is old and outdated, just not giving an addict money doesnt stop their addiction.. in fact it can increase negative multipliers, such as increased risk of OD, Hep C from using in worse locations etc

[@toddfather1971]

You don't get addicted to alcohol.

[@JNgo303]

The addict is addicted because they're crying for help usually about a loved one. The loved is doing something the addict doesn't like or agree with so the addict doesn't know how to tell them, so instead they turn to drugs or alcohol. Loved ones have to realize that the addict isn't the only one that needs to change.

[@CandacePlattor]

Agreed - everyone is affected and most have been contributing in some way for the addiction to be able to continue.

[@LadyLuck8_4]

So the loved one made them into the alcoholic that they are?

[@theKaufmanTapes]

She creeps me out . .

[@nicoleo6422]

She provides a faulty explanation for the disease model of addiction. She says that disease is something you can just “stop having“ This woman’s knowledge is outdated and not based in science.