How To Listen So People Will Open Up To You

[@HazelGrey.]

1. Just pay attention 2. Giving minimal encouragements (uhhum, nodding) 3. Paraphrasing 4. Checking in with the feelings 5. Advice or similar experience to connect AFTER letting them have their time to share 6. How and what questions 7. Be more mindful to be more present

[@7lawaneeena]

I feel like she takes way to long explaining.

[@forrestleafy]

@@7lawaneeena Yeah, but she does so in order to deepen the subject a little. I'm sure she learnt much more of all those subjects while studying. She explaines some really important and helpful ways to make movements.

[@trh8472]

@@7lawaneeena Everybody else is speaking so generally, not explaining well what "this" or "that" makes the other person feel. I feel so loved just listening to her talk about listening, lol.

[@goddessintraining660]

I get what you mean but I just want to let you know, it's ok to challenge yourself to just sit in stillness, listen and process. Another thing that helps me sometimes, is going to the settings and speeding up the video when need be.

[@naturalpoison]

Thank you

[@bryanoldenburg9870]

It must be tough for you when you go home, because you've been listening all day and probably just want to chill out sometime (and not want to listen so intently). I'm sure you find plenty of time to take care of yourself Julia, which you certainly should. Thank you for this rich stuff dear person-- you are authentic, and it shows. Please remember it is much more important to find time (many like to do so in the early morning hours, some at night) to listen to God and the direction He may have for you and your ensuing day. Being tuned into Him can be a tricky thing to do sometime, but it's well worth it! I really like the cut of your jib Julia!

[@dj912sent9]

I tend to share my experience as a way of showing them that I hear them and understand. Sounds like I need to cut back and allow them to speak.

[@EnglishforAll1]

be casual ; be open and receptive,make eye contact and show interest. smile :D simply saying "Hello"with a smile and introducing yourself will be a positive ice-breaker in most cases . Stay blessed ♥

[@juliakristinamah]

love love love those!

[@tedbates1236]

I watched Andy of Mayberry in His show when he was older playing a lawyer. A woman came to him to ask him for help. As she was talking she figured out the answer for herself. She thanked Andy for his help when he said nothing at all.

[@mariekuehler7972]

Yay! A video!!! This makes me happy because I love listening and helping others.

[@juliakristinamah]

Yay Marie! That is awesome. The world needs more people like you

[@thelivestreamexpert7182]

This is such a great video, Julia! It's a definite pet peeve of mine, being in conversations where the other person will barely let you finish a sentence without immediately jumping on top with opinions and going off on tangents. Sometimes I will observe conversations as part of a group and can absolutely feel the frustration of the person trying to communicate as they constantly get cut off and never get to make their point. These tips are things that EVERYBODY needs to be familiar with and use! When I reflect back, my most treasured friends that I love and hang out with are those who are outstanding listeners and reflectors.

[@juliakristinamah]

SO so true Kerry! Listening is definitely not something that comes naturally to everyone.

[@townsendstephen]

I was just having a search to find out what mindfulness was and came across your channel. I have spent the past couple of hours going through one vlog after another on your channel. You are amazing. I have learnt so much. I was really low when I got in from work and now I have loads of tools to try out and I feel great. Thank you and keep going.

[@voodooguitarz]

I learn a bunch of stuff from every video you do. Thanks Julia!

[@juliakristinamah]

So glad! Thanks so much for watching.

[@barefoot_creative_studio]

I like the part about even if you get it wrong identifying feelings) it gives them a chance to self reflect and maybe come up with what they are really feeling. I am a middle school counselor by day and always find this really helps to connect with the kids and helps them be more aware how they are feeling.

[@PorshaHomeTheater]

Mediator here: I do find that once or twice is ok but if you get the emotion wrong too much, the other person can get frustrated that either they aren't communicating well or we as listeners are just not hearing/getting it. "Oh so you were embarassed?" "No I was angry!" I find that reinforcing a response with "Oh ok, I got it now, you were angry, not embarassed that makes total sense..." buys some of that capital back. But getting the emotion wrong repeatedly CAN and DOES do damage but at least we are trying to hear the other person and like JK says, it does cause self-reflection so it's a win...

[@brenta.7387]

Hi Julia, Totally relate on the first step, undivided attention....In a day and age of being "connected", I feel disconnected and lonely at times. Has anyone else experienced this? By habit I always have my mobile phone silenced. Growing up during a time when mobile phones were not as common, I find it easy to "disconnect" from it and often find it more of a distraction. Some days it stays on the kitchen counter near the charging area. LOL!... The minimum encouragements...We have had those moments, I maxed out on minimum encouragements, I was called out when asked, "why are you being a spazz?" ....I stopped and chuckled, "what do you mean?"...They said "mhmm, mhmm, mhmm", we both laughed it off...I explained I was ecstatic in relating to our discussion. Thanks for the wonderful advice, have the first two covered, will practice the rest.

[@juliakristinamah]

I hear you Brent! I always have my phone on silent and often keep it in a different room just to eliminate the temptation! Thanks so much for your thoughts and feedback - always love your contributions to the discussion.

[@sunshine2049]

I think the people take advantage when you are a good listener, they dump their crap knowing that you’re going to sit there and listen.Making us a good listener does not ensure that the person will love you for it or stay loyal to you

[@thynisia396]

You mentionned mindfulness at the end of the video. I live in Queensland Australia and I went to High School there. Mindfulness is a big thing here and, well, the school I went to was incredible. They had a school day or whole week promoting important things, such as mindfulness. You know there is note books given by the school? It contains space to write homework, pages for other stuff, calendar etc. On each of the homework pages, on the side was a vertical row with advices and things to do regarding mindfulness. At the bottom of each Friday page, there was even smileys ranking and you had to chose the smiley that ranked best how you felt during the whole week. Around the end of the note book, there was even more information about mindfulness e.g. phone numbers and who to speak to. Honestly speaking, I did a few of those stuff in my note book but I stopped quickly lol. I was too lazy, or sometimes tok busy, or uninterested (like I was interested in other stuff). Also, I didn't used my school note book for homework often so that plays as well. But yeah, honestly that's something really good that the Education department did. Because even if most of us didn't do the exercices diligently, we were still AWARE. And that's still an important thing in my opinion. Being aware is the first step.

[@lisacrow5762]

Thank you Julia. You are really knowledgeable and easy to listen to. You have a nice speaking voice. I need to learn more active listening so it's really good to have the advice. Thank you.

[@shormarl]

Thanks for this! One mental block I have re: the paraphrasing tip is not wanting to paraphrase so closely that they get irritated and shoot back with "that's what I just said!! I know what I just said!!"

[@juliakristinamah]

You might actually be surprised Shormari - people don't typically feel that way - more often than not, they actually feel really heard. Especially if we start the sentence by saying: What I hear you saying is.... or If I'm getting this right, you're saying... or It sounds like you're feeling really __________ because___________. Try it and let us know how it goes!

[@shormarl]

Those are good openers for paraphrasing. Thank you! I will try this.

[@Mushroom321-]

That's what I say to my kids Julia!, " it sounds like you are feeling.. " : ) I see and feel my kids frustration decrease. : )

[@teddywang86]

Julia, can you make a video about how to ask good questions to help people open up? You cover this a bit in this video, but I’m hoping for a more elaborate one. Thanks

[@ithirstyforknowledge]

Loved this video. Question: what to say to people who dont like us and wont open?

[@andreisvlogs6149]

If you are sure they don't like you, perhaps asking them what makes them dislike you is a good start 👌

[@rebia5542]

@@andreisvlogs6149 that never works tho... then it just gets awkward and they stop talking to you completely. Being asked by someone why you dont like them is one of the most uncomfortable questions and the answer is always "I dont dislike you"

[@halolime117]

@@rebia5542 thats propably because you phrase it wrong, ive asked and it usualy goes well, it all depends on confidence and correct words

[@davidmossholder6396]

LOVE this!!!!! Sooo good. Asking “How? What?” questions such a good point.

[@mrpsycholeojoey87]

Hello Julia. Wonderful video as you are. You hit the nail with all your points. I can relate with this video because while I am a good speaker, I tend to become speechless. However, if I build my listening skills it will help to improve my speaking abilities. When someone shares something deep or personal, I may say okay, that's right, or I know what you mean ofren. I will use mindfulness and ask how or what questions if I run out of things to say.Thank you so much as always. One of my favorite videos from you. Happy Labor Day. God Bless.

[@namepending155]

Had to listen to this again because, you know…

[@bibibobo1156]

I love this, may the Lord Jesus Christ bless you

[@lizbethgaleno9186]

This was absolutely amazing/comforting to hear as a new counselor. Thanks so much! You definitely have a way with words & You're absolutely right, I felt connected just from listening! :)

[@thynisia396]

Sorry about the long comment. No need to read, I just wrote down my reflections and opinions. 4:10 is legit what I always do. It's also something I expect others to do so that I know they are listening to me, even if they are not looking directly at me or doing something else at the same time. My mother barely does this. When I complain, she always replies something like; since she doesn't have anything to say back, she just doesn't need to say anything at all and to me it should obvious that she is listening. But not to me, I still always feel insecure and even when I explain to her, she still doesn't want do it. I just need a basic "yes" or a "mm" to reassure me. It's a small struggle in our relationship but it still does have its importance to me since I feel like I'm not given the attention or respect that I deserve as a human being. I'm also highly sensitive so that plays as well. Edit: My mum keeps telling to stop repeating "you see?" (As in "you understand"?), a habit that I have while telling something. I realised it's because of my need to be reassured - of being genuinely listened to. The thing is that I do it more when I talk to her because of the above reasons. I think it's good that I already have these habits and at least understand that I shouldn't actually believe that everyone will mirror me.

[@thynisia396]

Your channel is full of the things I've always wanted to learn. I'm digging pure gold. Thank you very much!!

[@abhirupbhattacharjee1741]

This was great, really loved the way you went through all the basics. Thanks.

[@terjidjurhuus1917]

Really appreciate this, thank you Julia. :-)

[@danielpriddy2288]

Thank u Julia! U r brilliant! I have become a better person bc of u!

[@tanveerahmed8847]

Thank you for this video. Really good thumbnail as well.

[@teddywang86]

This is really helpful. Thank you

[@KennethN]

I try to listen fully and I have experienced that if I don't share then I don't relate to them. So I ask questions but they didn't always come across as inquiring.

[@IChroniclesofNerdiaI]

I've really enjoyed all of your videos. Some have been really relieving/enlightening and I want to thank you for posting these. Though I will say this is the first video I've seen where I don't necessarily agree. The repeating back what you said thing I feel like can back fire. I've had people do that mid conversation and how they repeated what I was saying in a way that made me feel like they weren't listening at all because they've skewed what I said. It usually is a quick conversation killer for me.

[@alika207]

Very interesting perspective. Can you explain more?

[@laraoneal7284]

Some ppl never say anything. They don’t reveal anything about themselves. So u fill in the silence by talking and then they say u talk about yourself all the time. I dumped them completely. This went on like this for years. I would terminate the so called friendship many times and finally did it for good.

[@someperson22]

Really good advice. Thank you very much.

[@juliakristinamah]

You're always welcome, Will! :)

[@Ashtizzle70]

Hey this is Gold!!! Great Video Julia! Thank you!

[@Fahim_Lalani]

You’re changing lives 😍🙂

[@manalani3724]

thank you julia!

[@ginah.864]

Very knowledgeable info! Will definitely apply. Thanks!

[@VixenVulpix266]

This will be my go to getter video thank you

[@zeruszephuros5419]

So...from what you said in the vid, I'm a really good listener... But it just sucks no one's listening to me... at all... And now I'm so lost on how and what to do certain things, now even my own house is suffocating me...

[@sugarpie5264]

Is there anyway you could caption your videos so that they are accessible? This is very useful for everyone 😊

[@capeletscareers8104]

Practicing what you say. Thanks!

[@skionen1781]

Excellent stuff thanks

[@itwasntme4797]

You’re the best! Thank you.

[@shirlebug]

Oh my gosh! This is the best!

[@juliakristinamah]

Awesome! So glad you loved it Shirley Head!

[@shirlebug]

It's hard to go back to my mindful oh oh my

[@Fahim_Lalani]

Thx sister 🙏🙂

[@olgakucharska3836]

Thank you Julia ;)

[@alanortega3481]

Is there a reason for all your videos being in black and white?

[@wiktoria7199]

i think its just simpler to the eye and therefore less chaotic overall

[@sheajordan526]

It is a bit more relaxing

[@TheJustmine16]

I always thought therapists and such did this to be not overwhelming for people to watch, if they’re in an anxious or stressed state looking for help this would be especially appealing. Or maybe to put the focus more on her words?

[@AlreadyButtercup]

I kind of like the black and white. I feel like I can focus more on what she's saying as opposed to her exactly.

[@namepending155]

She must be a Jocko fan.

[@richardalexander5758]

Thanks again!

[@VIkA-cy9oh]

Fuck I just realized how awful I am I don’t even notice that I made my friends feel like they can’t open up bc all I do is talk. :(

[@hunterb2914]

Thanks a lot

[@tianyangzhang4727]

What should I do to shown that I am paying attention if I am just not comfortable to make eye contact with others?

[@juliakristinamah]

Just nod your head and look at their face every once and awhile, no need to lock eyes if that makes you uncomfortable.

[@rohanrustogi5463]

Hey Julia i just stumbled upon your videos, I like this video on listening. My name is Rohan I am a college student and I have OCD. My problem is when I try listen to someone, I become overly conscious of my breathing, and can never understand what the person is trying to say. So to not think about my breath, I over do the minimal encouragers. How can I listen mindfully to the other person? Is it good to pay attention to the breath when listening to someone, is this a part of mindfulness?

[@chambershope]

how do you get a loved one to take the medication. this loved one had a bi polar episode... and is against it. help.

[@anxietyebriety6553]

Hey cool tips

[@alika207]

To everyone out there, I’m curious to know your perspectives on this. Let’s say someone is telling you a story, and every so often, like maybe one or two times, they share something you would like to know more about. That has happened to me a few times. I’m consciously trying to not interrupt a lot, but that said, I sometimes do it, so that I can ask a question about something that was just said, so that I can get more information or more of a perspective. Once they explain more, I’m like, OK, I understand now. Or, thank you for explaining that more. And then I go, OK, keep going. Do you all think this is OK?

[@MechanicalMentor]

Ur awesome

[@anuragdaniel5250]

Thnx for the video really enjoyed it, can u help me ? I can't handle someone yelling at me,I go crazy at that time ,really angry ,plz can u tell me what to do at that moment

[@mrpsycholeojoey87]

Anurag Daniel It sounds as if you go through this frustrating situation of being yelled at quitr s bit. It appears you like being treated with respect. Perhaps, you can let them know how you are feeling. For example, please tell them you don't appreciate being talk to that way. Respect is a two way street, don't yell at me, and I will not yell at you. I can relate I dislike people yelling at me especially for no reason or if I ask a simple question. Please let me know how that works. Best wishes. Happy Labor Day. God Bless

[@cathrynnicholls8161]

Julia, how do you get people to talk about themselves, when they keep turning the conversation back to you?

[@josephsielskisr3742]

I have a date Friday I like to remember what you said, I am shy I want to make a good impression my third date

[@loramassegee2463]

I can’t find to information on mindfulness.

[@daledalessandro6184]

My problem is when I have multiple people talking to me that I lose track as to what the are really meaning. Such as Family members

[@alika207]

Not sure what others think, but in my opinion, it’s more than appropriate to ask clarifying questions.

[@rachelayodele9694]

Hi Ms. Kristina I have a question. Why are your Vids themed black and white.

[@korylanier2]

Is Precocious puberty a result from childhood trauma and preexposure to someone who is postperiod or postpuberty?

[@dawngold6923]

Julie I live with temparl lobe Epilepsy so litsoining is SO hard esp when I had a seiz. Can you explain how I can be better litsoner? Dawn.

[@youkai888]

How to not listen so they won't open up to me? People are acting like I'm a psychologist. Or Jesus Christ. I have this vibe that everyone just trusts me infinitely and open up. The problem with that is that becomes a burden and frienships don't develop in a normal way.

[@juliakristinamah]

It sounds like it's time for some boundaries! Don't forget, you're not a doormat, and not 7-11 (open 24/7).

[@sunshine2049]

I completely understand , me too. I am no ones therapist and I do not purport to be And yet, people dump their stuff on me. Why would I even want to be a good listener? What’s in it for me? It’s not like the person is going to remember you for being a good listener, they just using you in the moment to unburden them selves

[@stevestevesteve]

As someone with ADHD trying to be a better listener and the first one is paying attention… uh sh@t! 😅

[@ДмитрийВербицкий-у7д]

Lopez Ronald Thomas Melissa Perez Paul

[@alexcoli]

alooooot of presure not the pozitive kind for a "therapist" the therapy should start with the tone intonation and way u talk gotta be suithing and calming

[@strawberizzy8127]

I was trying to talk to my step mother about something, and it was something I was scared to tell her so I couldn't really speak. I was trying to but I couldn't so I was telling her that I didn't know how to tell her, But my father jumped in and started yelling at me and told me that I just needed to open my f@$@ing mouth and speak...And nobody was understanding that I wasn't able to speak because nobody is having patience with me and they just kept yelling at me because I couldn't speak...

[@strawberizzy8127]

And so they started trying to get me to talk to them somewhere else and I was getting overwhelmed and I just wanted to get out of the situation so I was trying to get away and they told me I was being over dramatic when I couldn't breathe and I was sobbing...I was scared and I was overwhelmed! I just wanted out...

[@littlestar1507]

Im sorry to hear that.Just know that im here in the comments and if you want to talk just give me a headsup

[@missyherb2556]

I was taught as a child not to ask any questions when someone is telling me something because I will appear to be prying into their business or too nosey.

[@ktefccre]

🐱👍

[@shannongrreene4365]

Hey it me he he

[@j.e.s.m9941]

No

[@DahyanPascual]

Can you make your videos not in black in white? Its kind of hard to listen and understand what your saying if your videos are in balck in white, its depressing. Thank you.

[@juliakristinamah]

Hi Dianne, thanks for your feedback. The reason I do them in black and white is to make them more recognizable and easier for people to find in this whole big KZbin abyss. For now at least, I am going to keep doing B&W, but if you find it easier, I invited you to try listening to the audio only and turn the screen away so you're not distracted with the colour. I don't do anything fancy with my videos, so you won't be missing anything interesting by just listening. Let me know how it goes!

[@amaliamorales5606]

This is interesting....thanks for sharing information