How to Lose Friends and Alienate Yourself | Aspie Tips

[@TheLoneVirgo]

How to? It's a natural gift for most aspies. Done with the least amount of effort.

[@Apoplectic_Spock]

So true! Could live in complete seclusion in the forest without a pinch of loneliness. It's just too easy to be alone as an Aspy.

[@SuperSouthchick]

yup

[@mariamurphy4631]

The path of least resistance......

[@Apoplectic_Spock]

@@mariamurphy4631 That's a severe oversimplification and only fractionally true for most of us. I've strayed onto difficult roads simply out of principle and grown immensely because of it.

[@RaidenPSX]

Sure is!

[@MisterCynic18]

"Be sincere. People can tell when you're hiding your feelings and they'll dislike you for it" "But also pretend to feel things to match other people. People don't like when you're different and will reject you." So just avoid people, got it.

[@_RiOnMa_]

😵‍💫

[@ajmosutra7667]

You CATEgorised things wrong - its important to share FEELING, but not an honest opinion that had been commented on as unwanted

[@joncober8258]

i know rite, too true.

[@martinkaczynski8526]

JUST AVOID PEOPLE. - THE VERY BEST ADVICE ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN ME. - THANK-YOU.

[@jonathanp___________3606]

People are complicated and their complexities ebb, flow and drift over time. If the resulting uncertainty is completely unacceptable to you, then avoiding people is probably the best way to limit your exposure. If on the other hand, you feel that deep connection is worth accepting a little of the uncertainty, while limiting how much you expose yourself to, then you might just limit your exposure to people without limiting it altogether.

[@ksthoughtpalace3042]

I am a natural at losing friends and alienating myself. But thanks for the tips anyway.

[@lykoe4045]

MooD

[@BandoLyrix]

"Yoooou are naaaht-alone" Michael Jackson

[@nathansmith8883]

Whats so great about making friends if you dont made them dislike you?

[@reecewatson9720]

I need to start relationships with a legitimate investigation into conflict so I can be sure we can manage our differences without avoidance or white lies...if we pass that test I know I have a real one

[@QuidamByMoonlight]

THIS! Explains so much. A coach once told me, “You have a tendency to say what’s true instead of what’s needed.” I thought, “How is the truth not what’s needed?” I kind of got what she saying, and I’ve been turning it over in my head for YEARS. Thank you so much!

[@dicta2974]

I had to tell to my son when he was five: you can be right all play with the others. He loved playing soccer but was feeling so strong about some players being constantly unfair and he stopped playing. I am tired of following that rule my self.

[@joncober8258]

NTs have an entirely different definition of truth (i.m.o.)

[@pollystyrene99]

I still think truth is better, but i'm sure this is contrary to emotional intelligence principles

[@jonathanp___________3606]

@@joncober8258 That's an interesting perspective. And I think it's true of a lot of NTs. There are definitely a number of definitions of truth floating around in the world, even philosophers argue about it (and I suspect a lot of them are more careful than most people.) As a neurodivergent, (ASD, ADHD, etc.) I have a pretty static view of truth, and I don't see the NT way of handling truth as incompatible with my view of truth, I just see it as a bit arbitrary. It seems like there are a lot of rules about when to share truth, and when not to, and I think most of them are centered around emotions. For example, if someone's upset with you, sharing truths that prove them wrong is greatly discouraged (not off limits, but definitely problematic). The way I make sense of the NT rules about handling truth is by thinking of them as a language for speaking kindness/rudeness/cruelty. This language doesn't just use words, it a complicated system of words, inflections, motions, and mannerisms. If you get any aspect of a communiqué wrong, it could mean something completely different--on the other side of the spectrum of kindness: rude or even cruel. There's technically, nothing wrong with not being able to speak the language, but can it ever lead to trouble! The best part of looking at it this way is that I feel like it makes sense to keep learning the language all the time, and sometimes some phrases (e.g. some combination of a word here, an inflection there, and maybe a motion in some particular manner) make a lot of sense, and I can add them to my mental phrasebook/script list for when I want to express both truth and good will. My favorite phrases are the ones where the word doesn't matter, but combining the right words can have a similar effect.

[@ColargolPL]

The Buddha made a point of always telling people only what is needed, while never being untruthful. He called it Skillful Means.

[@thepermman]

This was brilliant. So a summary: 1. Don't Be Abrasive 2. Let others live in denial 3. if you appear too fake then ignore rules 1 and 2. (Be genuine)

[@IamAnnety]

😱🤣😂🤣😂🤣 Great comment.

[@alakani]

#2 would be easier if there wasn't a plague that could have been avoided if the prevalence of psychopathy wasn't 20-fold higher among CEOs than average

[@surrenderinfaith]

🤣🤣🤣 yea we be doing a public service here

[@nenmaster5218]

@@surrenderinfaith Hbomberguy's last video made the autism-community proud. Seen it, i hope? Consider this info my holiday-gift for you.

[@novastariha8043]

Omgosh allowing denial just escapes me cuz I never knew until I knew I was in deep and now I can’t grasp why others don’t want off that merry go round

[@littlebird3495]

One of my biggest struggles has been coming to terms with the fact that people want to be lied to. I don’t understand it, and I find it very hard to not judge NT’s negatively for it.

[@cory99998]

I have trouble sensing the boundaries here. Sometimes it's okay to do this, but sometimes it isn't. I'm now realizing that I get it wrong a lot more than I thought I did.

[@wm6578]

the truth makes people feel vulnerable, ashamed, and insecure, so they usually lash out in defense, cause they interpret it as an attack

[@gossamera4665]

You probably ought not to look at it in terms of absolutes, because it's very likely that there's at least some situations where you would at least unconsciously appreciate support more rather than an honest negative opinion. Positive reinforcement is more constructive than negativity, and you don't even have to lie in most cases, just rephrase and focus on the positives.

[@Wes-Tyler]

This is an overly simplistic and incorrect belief. NTs do not appreciate lies. The truth can be communicated politely, respectfully, and kindly. It can also be communicated rudely, disrespectfully, and unkindly. Autistic people often communicate the second way without even realizing it, and NTs perceive them as rude and mean. It is extremely beneficial to learn how to communicate the first way. It has nothing to do with lying. It has to do with phrasing the truth in a way that respects the other person’s feelings OR keeping the information to yourself unless it is explicitly asked for. Often autistic people feel a compulsion to chime in with their "truth" that no one else is interested in, and this is perceived as rude, condescending, etc. There is value in asking if your listener cares about what you have to say before just blurting it out and potentially destroying your relationship with them. A simple "Hey, this is a topic that I have done a lot of reading and research on. Would you be interested in hearing my thoughts on it?" goes a long way. If people are honest, the answer will usually be no. Unfortunately people are not always honest, so you need other strategies too, like asking them every few minutes if they're still interested in hearing more. An NT person naturally does this by analyzing the other person's body language, tone of voice, etc., and picks up on when the other person is no longer interested and stops talking about that topic. An unaware autistic person NEVER does this and just keeps talking. In that situation, the social contract has been broken - you're not respecting the other person's feelings and are just attacking them with your monologuing. There are so many other things too that I'm not going to get into because this comment is already very long. But making assumptions about NT people such as "NT people like being lied to" is one of the worst things you can do. Not only are you completely wrong, you're also alienating yourself from NTs, which is nearly everyone.

[@isimonsez]

It’s called having tact and if you are oblivious to it, it’s no wonder why you struggle to make and maintain friends

[@Cheesblenders4all]

The long awaited sequel to the bestseller "How to win friends and influence people

[@jenmorricone4014]

After listening to this video, I needed that!! Thanks!

[@giftedgreen2152]

As a child my grandfather offered me a dollar a page to read “how to make friends and influence people”. I read the first page and told him to keep his dollar.

[@karaa7595]

I just bought this book because my son is 5.5 and I have to teach him how to be socially normal. Other than that not my cup of tea.

[@marmac83]

@@giftedgreen2152 I don't blame you.

[@TheLoneVirgo]

@@giftedgreen2152 Excellent comment! It's never about money for Aspies... It's always about what makes your brain entertained and comfortable.

[@Villevann]

"When you want to acknowledge something, and the people around you don't want to acknowledge it, it can be really frustrating. Especially because it feels like they are negating reality, and I know from my own personal experience, I just want everyone to agree on the reality of the sitiation, it makes me feel more secure when everyone can see the same thing, and we're not living in some pretend make-believe world."

[@IamCree]

I yelled at this part lol. He put words to one of my most visceral experiences

[@susanbeever5708]

Exactly.

[@nenmaster5218]

Hbomberguy's last video made the autism-community proud. Seen it, i hope?

[@tales_]

YessssSsSSSSSSSSS

[@Aybrix]

I also yelled, paused the video and called my dad. My god I get so hung up on some things, like absolutely horrible bosses I've had, and people just meet me with "You'll always have to deal with difficult people". Every time I'd be like that's not the point! I couldn't explain it and I didn't understand it myself, but hearing this put into words it just CLICKED. That craving for some validation that you're not wrong, you're not crazy. AHHH thank you!!

[@_.OX._]

Friends, ah yes I remember now .. those people that all "moved on" or outgrew me, even though we all like more time on our own than NT's you never get used to rejection and isolation. So much harder to make genuine friends as a middle aged aspie as you get brow-beaten by rejection and stop trying, you feel people have this expectation that you should have reached a certain career, wealth and social status like somehow you should have overcome all your social abnormalities by reaching such an age.

[@dicta2974]

I feel that too. I am almost 54. What is your middle age mark on this planet?

[@Eduisit]

I’m 43 so I hear you. I’ve not got the capacity (energy, hope, ability to speak coherently in social settings) any more either, even if I wanted to keep trying to find friends. Paul is right in all he says, but that door has shut for me. I hope younger austistics can hear him.

[@dicta2974]

I hope you will find energy every day. Good day and good luck!

[@justinevans6546]

Everything is accurate to my situation, except I don’t believe any of those people were actually friends,

[@9crutnacker985]

& you'd be right.

[@Nobody-Nowhere]

they were lizardpeople, working fo the illluminati

[@ICantFindPeaceOfMind]

They only know what the herd taught and can't handle the truth... they keep lying over and over

[@Aiken47]

Yes, their colours get revealed ive just discovered

[@dejavu6345]

I have an ASD friend. The two of us attended the funeral of our mutual friends son (age 10) that struggled with leukemia since age 6. The mother (our mutual friend) was inconsolable. I tried my best to comfort her and my friend not knowing what to say stated the obvious and said, “but didn’t he have it for a while?” In other words, he had a hard time understanding why everyone was so distraught when her son battled his illness for years and everyone knew the end was near. Having hope wasn’t an emotion he could relate to. So, although he stated the “technical” truth and he meant well; it was insensitive at that moment. Needless to say, we had an interesting conversation on the drive back home. He was appreciative of me for bringing it to his attention and asked how could he fix it. I reassured him she loves and understands you but giving her a card acknowledging her pain wouldn’t hurt. So, not all friends don’t want to hear the truth. Sometimes, it just isn’t needed. Respectfully 🙏🏽

[@FoundSheep-AN]

How can people not be shocked and mourning and grieving a boy’s death?? This is a human being trait! Only a computer can say something like this

[@IwasBlueb4]

@@FoundSheep-AN shocked > ?

[@mariahkennedy6497]

@@FoundSheep-AN This is often the difficulty with being autistic. This difference in understanding is seen as cruel. Autistic people can be slotted into a non human category because they are too different for others to tolerate without a moral degradation. When really the autistic person wants to say the right thing, but doesn’t know how to. What they can do is spot discrepancies. Shock at an expected event is a discrepancy. An error in cognition to be sorted out to get at the clear reality. People often make no sense to autistic just as this persons response makes no sense to you. When discussing the exchange after the funeral the autistic person is eager and thankful for being taught a better way forward. Happy to abandon their automatic choice for a better, kinder option. This seems very human to me. Plus: What can really be said at the death of a child that will help? Your child is gone, what careless words can cut deeper than that and what polite affirmations can soothe such a heartbreak?

[@bernicegoldham1509]

@@FoundSheep-AN ppl with autism are not robots.

[@reylime2991]

@@FoundSheep-AN How can a human being make presumptions about how other human beings operate?

[@jeromepaupe]

There something I would like to touch on. There is many ''friends'' that require so much effort to keep up, that is it really a good friend? Like you have to watch out what you say, you have to hold yourself from expressing yourself, etc. If you have to do those too much, at some point the friendship is irrevelant.

[@isla1668]

That was my last friendship then I got accused of not being open enough if they did something that hurt me, but they didn’t want honesty in the first place, like constantly walking on eggshells. Tiring.

[@robertjmccabe]

I mostly kept my mouth shut for the first 18 years of my life because everything i said/did seemed to piss people off (I had no idea why). I desperately wanted friends, so i just went along with whatever. But then I went to college and found i was really good at math. I was elated because it was the first time in my life where I was confident to speak up if I sensed something was not logical. What’s weird is this mentality works great in academics (with some exceptions), but makes me an outcast in the real world. I am not trying to be mean when I go against the crowd when they are speaking nonsense, but I cannot help speaking up. I have been ridiculed and silenced in the corporate environment - so much so that I am looking for a way out. And this is a shame, because I really like the money and the work (when I’m left alone to do what I do best) is quite fun. I am going back to get a PhD just so I can be around people who enjoy intellectual exploration without getting so pissy about their egos.

[@yorgostsitsikas4350]

I am currently doing my PhD. Academia is filled with people with fragile egos. I personally don't feel that academia is a place where you can really talk openly about difficult issues. Feelings are still prioritized very frequently. That said, you can occasionally find people with whom you can do deep intellectual discussions without walking on eggshells which can be very satisfying.

[@trevor_mounts_music]

Academia is full of the BIGGEST egos...not sure it's gonna be an improvement.

[@robertjmccabe]

@@trevor_mounts_music yeah. I wrote this when I was disillusioned by my job. I ended up getting another job and realized that every job has its issues. Also, I realized that academics is, in many ways, worse. I ended up taking a job back in the original place that I worked. I am armed with lots more knowledge about how things work.

[@realfingertrouble]

Sadly the corporate and social world is not about what you say, it's how you say it.

[@skylerydntk]

how to alienate yourself 1) go against the grain 2) telling the truth when people don’t wanna hear it (pointing out things people don’t wanna hear at that moment)(salt on the wound)(telling people something they might already know, but don’t wanna acknowledge) 3)trying to do best what people expect and when you don’t, they can loose trust. (example: i sometimes need to alienate myself from everyone, and when that happens people might loose trust)

[@OurResistance]

Yes, #3 is a good one! Society lies to us about everything from the very beginning! You have to play the expectations game early and often or everyone will eventually betray and attack you!

[@markpw2613]

It's really confusing. If I am being my true self, everyone hates me (opionated, loud, not listening/eye contact, arrogance and a bit angry,) but my masking gets people not knowing me and it's just being fake nice and losing a lot of confidence in myself because I can't fully express myself. This world ain't meant for us

[@Aiken47]

Having to step around everyone else is exhausting, why can’t they give me the same latitude. Why am I the only one that has to put on a persona especially when it goes against the truth and reality of the current situation. If I have to manipulate others around me to have them feel good isnt that just being Machiavellian

[@Dan_Chiron]

This! Totally feel you.

[@bardockojama3423]

Aiken I don’t get you

[@Aiken47]

@@bardockojama3423 that’s fine not everyone will.

[@bardockojama3423]

@@Aiken47 no I’m saying I want to get you because I feel like it relate to me. But I’m not too good in English

[@jenmorricone4014]

People are exhausting..period. I'm an NT, (supposedly) introvert and I can only take 5 minutes of interaction with anyone!

[@rubixmonkey0839]

"Aspies don't get sarcasm" Paul: hold on to your hats people

[@krugerfuchs]

Some of us do

[@rubixmonkey0839]

@@krugerfuchs yes :) and this entire video is an example of it

[@Meira750]

Paul was so funny in this one. I was laughing all the way thru because it was so true.

[@Satan666Official]

I did learn sarcasm, and I rarely miss it, but I myself don't use it in case someone else may take it literally. My sense of humor is centered in witty puns and impersonations 🤣.

[@Meira750]

@@Satan666Official So I hope your name is one of them :)

[@fenlandwildlifeclips]

In my experience insensitive people can be very popular. I think it’s because people are scared of them, they pretend to be friends:

[@corsicanlulu]

narcissists are very popular usually and they are the worst bullies and of course insensitive to anyone who isnt them

[@fenlandwildlifeclips]

@@corsicanlulu Very true, especially in the workplace!

[@fenlandwildlifeclips]

@Cara Ferdinands Yes it is.

[@EmmaLemmon]

That's intentionally insensitive people, not those of us who do it by accident.

[@crystalokeefe197]

I'm already really good at losing friends and alienating people, but I found your video quite illuminating none the less.

[@peterwebb8732]

I am very short-sighted. One of the forms of bullying that I was subject to, as a kid, was having my spectacles stolen. Lying, or deliberate denial of reality, is the adult form of that childish bullying. When your ability to understand intuitively is below normal, analysis is your only tool for functioning in your environment. Dishonesty and denial rob you of your ability to understand and to function. It is a very real assault, and no less so when it is done carelessly, thoughtlessly or from habit. I don’t want “friends” who do that.

[@JamesPeters68]

When NT people deny reality to each other, they call it gaslighting. When they do it around aspies, they call it normal.

[@commentator1984]

Those of us who just see or state the truth of a situation need to just be friends with each other. Trying to guess other people's emotional state all the time in order to maintain a friendship isn't friendship. It is work.

[@AMSanchez18]

Idk, sometimes people in your life just need your support if they’re going through something rough. For example, if a friend of mine had an eating disorder, it’s easy to say “just eat”, but of course the truth in this case will not solve it. If it’s an important person to you, it should be worth it to give your love and support, even though they don’t accept the truth immediately.

[@ArnoudBS]

Yes this is fax

[@lb8914]

I figured out my friends sister was bisexual from observing her social media. He explained she was having difficulty in her life one day, so I explained to him my findings based on obvious clues from her post and pictures. He must have said something to her-she blocked me told him I am creepy and manipulative and he accused me of trying to sleep with her. That was the furthest thing from my mind I was just trying to be helpful and usually when I’m being helpful I personally find that people do not want to be helped even if they say they do. They want you to pretend you can’t see problems or act like you’re as confused as they are and just listen. It’s very confusing

[@matturner6890]

I have observed much the same thing. One out of ten times, the person wants real help, the other nine times they just want to blah blah blah blah in a completely one-sided conversation

[@irinauuuu]

That’s creepy

[@IwasBlueb4]

it was NOT up to u to interfere in her affairs .....You need to learn boundaries

[@IwasBlueb4]

@@matturner6890 she didnt ask her 4 help....

[@matturner6890]

@@IwasBlueb4 Ok :)

[@musicalaviator]

Oh I'm an expert at this subject. I know how to lose friends and alienate myself perfectly well. In fact I have managed to lose all of my friends and spend Melbourne's lockdown completely alone since July.

[@ceilconstante7813]

Hugs from Florida. I've spent everyday alone too.

[@AgentK200]

I'm sorry to hear that, you all. Loneliness has definitely been a struggle this year. Have you all heard of AANE by chance?

[@musicalaviator]

@@AgentK200 I haven't. In fact, until 2020 I was not aware of being on the spectrum. Other's had mentioned it, but I just dismissed it. Ok so I haven't had a romantic partner since 2004, but that's "Just how I roll" right? After losing a bunch of relationships in March and again in July as lockdowns hit, I started seeking help for my isolated depression, when someone suggested an Aspergers resource. And here we are.

[@xotleti]

I feel like I've always been in a lockdown. Now it's just more tangible than ever.

[@DevonExplorer]

@@t9j6c6j51 I found that too, and it suited me for quite a while, but lately the loneliness has started getting to me. I have plenty of interests, lots to do and love living on my own, but I'm beginning to feel forgotten. Ah well, onwards and upwards, lol!

[@pcb8059]

How about when I walk away from a conversation not realizing the conversation wasnt over? LOL All my coworkers have stopped acknowledging me and now they avoid eye contact.

[@kyshawntv6285]

That sounds great, for me atleast. I legit don’t wanna talk to anyone at work. The small talk and everything else seems fake and it is draining.

[@SoulReaperSlayer19]

Who cares? One thing I’ve learned in the workplace is that there’s always going to be someone that doesn’t like you no matter what you do. I used to be a people pleaser but now I say what’s on my mind whenever it’s on my mind. Lots of people don’t like it, but in the end they’ll respect you for it; and most importantly you’ll respect yourself for it..

[@eugenetswong]

P B, in a conversation, it is best to be normal, and just ask if there is anything else that needs to be discussed. If there is nothing else, then just ask if they will excuse you. You will still offend some people, but the vast majority of people will respect you, and like your effort to excuse yourself politely. Read Emily Post's book on etiquette. It spells things out for normies, so you might as well try to learn what a lot of them are learning and expecting.

[@pcb8059]

@@eugenetswong Thank you, I appreciate the advice. I'll spend time rereading it and considering. I dont know the proper way to be dismissed from a conversation, i find myself communicating mostly by text with my siblings and parents and Im always paranoid after a few days that I didnt end the texting conversation "normally" because they didnt reply back, i dont know but, ive never had a coversation end with "...is there anything left to be said?" It makes perfect sense but I dont know

[@turtle4087]

I do this a lot 😅 and I frequently don't want to talk to people so I choose to ignore messages for days or months and then have to apologise for ignoring them

[@lizv3634]

Yes! Telling the truth! I finally realized that it can be unkind and sometimes even damaging to force someone to acknowledge the truth if they aren’t ready for it. I always thought if I just told the truth, everything would work out. I still doubt myself sometimes about how to handle these situations.

[@arlenka1176]

you got me at "metal in the morning." i wish I had more people like that around.

[@kikih6389]

people grow when they're ready to grow. people live in their own realities, that's the beauty of consciousness and free will. the best thing is to acknowledge that your own knowledge is the correct one, acknowledge your own reality as real to you, and stop trying to change people. when you stop trying to change people and validate yourself by yourself, you attract like minded spirits.

[@Aiken47]

Yep just found out a self righteous “friend” doesn’t like getting called a gaslighter when they’re gaslighting me and I can prove it. They are offended at me for getting angry at their indignation and yelling and standing up for myself.

[@jaquirox6579]

So what I’m hearing…. Is that I either lose friends, or I don’t speak at all. And that I must stand around pretending to know nothing, think nothing, and just exist near them. Otherwise I speak, which includes random bits of facts, and those facts will forever be massively offensive, because they have an inability to remove their feelings from anything???!!! This was a helpful video, but also a defeating one.

[@ViVi1159-d1]

Which facts? “The sky is blue” can be a fact. “Those pants make your butt look big” can also be presented as a fact. If all of the “facts” deemed relevant are things that deeply hurt others, that itself is worth examining.

[@jaquirox6579]

@ you sound like you have been personally hurt someone being super rude to you. But no… I would never use honesty as an excuse to be hurtful and undercutting. I just mean… like say you are at a park, and someone points out a weird bird in a tree. And I happen to have researched those birds, so that comes to my mind and I share a few facts related to them. Completely random, and just a sort of unfolding in my mind of what I personally know about the topic at hand. That’s how my brain works most of the time. And I’ve had a lot of situations where people act upset and offended about that. And sort of act like they just wanted to express an emotion about how they saw a strange bird today, and they feel offended that I took it literal and didn’t just blindly lend emotional support to their bird siting. And I struggle to understand them thinking that way and being offended.

[@Sopherian]

For some reason I never get invited to have fun... I'm only get invited when things need to get done and they want something from me... People also don't like it when I'm honest, which is so absurd to me :s

[@DrDraw-po6km]

come in france, there people are honest and direct when it comes to say things.

[@karaa7595]

Omg same! But then I realized I'm not really a "fun" person. I'm introspective. Serious. Deep. Fairly low energy. Maybe I'm not "fun". 😆

[@princeekeson12]

That's THEIR problem. Just keep being you.

[@spoonman9584]

I had an aspie friend that got into shooting guns and he knew some... Interesting... people. One of them had a whole wall of alcohol and I was surrounded by around 44 guns. Passed out on a P90 sub machinegun. Why in the hell did I do this? To experience what a party would be like. I learned and never wanted to repeat it again 😂. But it happened again at least two more times. The final time I had a terrible hangover and truly didn't repeat it. Probably the craziest sane person I've ever met.

[@gingermurphy5033]

Very applicable in any relationship. I am not on the spectrum. My aspie bf and I recently decided to just be friends because we were BOTH doing these things to one another, quite unintentionally, until we were too uncomfortable to continue. He feels like this is the typical end to a romantic relationship for him, but to me it was a new experience and quite painful. We are doing our best to remain friends. The distance between us has made room to recover. We tried! I am not sure how either of us could have done things differently. Heartbreaking. Thanks for articulating this!

[@Wes-Tyler]

Same experience with me and my autistic boyfriend. Just couldn’t make it work with him. The more honest we were with each other, the more we hated each other and couldn’t stand to be around each other. Just fought constantly. He has such autistic social skills that it was hard to get along with him - so rude and condescending and hurtful ALL THE TIME. And the more honest I was with him about that to help him learn and be more compassionate in his communication, the more frustrated he became. But I couldn’t take the abuse anymore and had to leave

[@bro-rm5xo]

I'm glad that I lost the friends that I did. I had a eureka moment after a confrontation with one where I finally realized they were trying to distance themselves from me and straight up didn't like me. I couldn't be myself with them so I cut them off completely :D

[@emanuengieruthi]

Me too! I hard make friend, but when i can a make friend , i hard keep long relationship with friend, i hard express my words to others so it easy misunderstood from them, i depress because of that...

[@why2goatdagame]

I prefer to use the approach of: 1. Never be anyone that you are not & who you would not want someone else to be towards you! 2. Be observant to the attitudes & emotions around you 3. Be courteous to those attitudes & social hot spots of triggering 4. Sugar coating if & only if necessary, but never bury the truth 5. Always be honest with others & especially be honest with yourself

[@Satoji_Art]

That’s pretty much how I learned to roll!

[@why2goatdagame]

@U2_U Expressions aren't simply facial. Tone says alot, iff you can hear it. Body communication aka body movement & stance can say a lot too. However, if you not the greatest w/ any of that: simply asking for emotional clarification or direct explanations, is in fact being observant. If you do not ask, you're less likely to know what ur observing. Asking is better than not. We can't just see everything. I can see a fight break out, but unless I ask what caused it (due to me not knowing), then I would be assuming. Hence asking, is in many ways the greatest form of observation. Even if asking might annoy people, it is a gesture intended to help understand better. That's why we have questions. If someone does not want 2 answer your questions 2 help you understand them, then that is not your fault. Answering anything was, is, & will be their choice. Just as it is our choice to ask. We can ask, but no one is required to answer. This can be annoying, but is considered disrespectful to not honor. We can only respectfully observe & understand people who are willing to share w/ us. If folks are okay with us being confused about their behavior, then they are prob not willing to be mutual people. Many have chosen to not be mutuals w/ me. Whereby, I reciprocate. No further observance or understanding needed. If they want me to understand, then a change must be made in their behavior by granting explanation. Otherwise, we arrive at an impasse. No further interacting is possible that won't result in a deadlock of misunderstanding. We owe no one understanding, but by that same notion it is not owed 2 us either. All that anyone is required to do is 2 try 2 understand those around you who seeks for your understanding, iff you want 2 try 2 understand them. Wherein, if they don't reciprocate, then the interaction has already ceased. One sided relationships are not relationships. All that was required has ended. Both are free to not listen, just as they started.

[@why2goatdagame]

@U2_U It is as simple as I stated. Simple does not equate to easy. It is very difficult to navigate people. Even in a good faith effort of understanding, people can still get defensive. That is not on us. That is on them. As long as we go into asking 4 clarification w/ a trying effort of polite understanding, then the reaction given back is on the person reacting. It is that simple, even if dealing w/ the results can be difficult. Take that as you will.

[@why2goatdagame]

@U2_U 😂😂😂 You Gots No Power Over Me. You can't gate keep my existence. You don't have that authority. You have told on yourself camper. I see you. You're not looking 2 good. You should prob tell someone you're not doing well. As a random stranger on the internet I can't help you. However, I do recommend you seek it, but you prob won't. As difficult as that is, it is very simple to note. I wish you better than you have treated me. Have a good life Autistic Fam, Good day to U2_U ✌️

[@Dan_Chiron]

Hi, Paul. I must confess I still don't get this one. For me, the congruency point contradicts the first two points you made. How am I supposed to stay congruent if I have to always attune my feelings and behaviour to the feelings of other person if I that's not what I truly want? Fortunately, my close circle is basically composed by other ND people, but when it comes to work, where most people are NT's it is a nightmare, and I feel like lying all the time. I came to the conclusion that I'll never be able to be myself at a work environment because the risk of raising coworker's viral emotions towards me is too high. NT's want you to be empathic, but most of them won't make the effort to be empathic back to us.

[@gauntlettolife833]

I agree with you here, confusing points, perhaps there would be analogies that are more concrete that would make your points clearer Paul. The Dale Carnagie book "How to win friends & influence people" I began to read but it seemed somewhat "fake" for me to actually carry out. It meant masking & being a fraud & a constant chameleon. Doing this is extremely taxing & honestly apart from work where I masked so much & still didn't fit in, in the end I got sick of it so just kept quiet but then when I had something to contribute no one took any notice of me. Honestly it's about time the NT decides to accept us because we are human just as they get so up & arms about defending ( I preface this with a warning to please not be offended ) LGBTQI+ people. Isn't it about recognising diversity in all its forms?

[@xotleti]

For me it's impossible to overcome all of this at the same time... If I try to be nice I end up looking totally fake... There's no way out lol

[@q.b.2318]

This is almost exactly what I was thinking while watching this video as well. I feel the same way about NTs, too. It's seemingly a no-win situation regardless of what you do.

[@karaa7595]

Memorizing scripts and what scenarios they pertain to and learning how to wrap up conversations politely before I say something stupid or my eyes begin to glaze over, has helped me A LOT. I can work up to about 3 to 5 hours with a friend at a time maybe every other month. Keeping some distance is key and putting a time limit on it is too. We can be ourselves in non controversial ways for that long but then it will become tougher as time goes on. Hope this helps a little.

[@isla1668]

That’s so true I feel the same way as you

[@knackis2116]

I suspect everyone "masks" to an extent, but damn, I can really empathise with that point. A lot of the time I don't have the energy that is "normal" in social situations, or I struggle to get excited about things people talk about, and I feel like I have to fake it. I always attributed this to being an introvert with niche interests. I wonder if I often come across as disingenuous.

[@_BeaverDuck]

I'm in my mid 20s, female and never had friends, never dated or had any kind of romantic relationship with anyone. I never learned how to make friends or how to get people to like or be interested. I have made a lot of enemies from making a pest out of myself though. I would try to be friends with someone, end up annoying them and making them dislike me. That's always been the cycle. I have no idea how to date anyone at all. I don't even know the first step to dating. I've also never had the opportunity to have a relationship coach.

[@karaa7595]

Your parents maybe didn't give you the guidance you needed as a child. With my son I make it a point to kindly tell him that if he wants friends, he can't do certain behaviors that annoy people (which I can see actually annoy people).

[@craigcarter400]

Be yourself and do stuff that interests you. You may just bump into the one while doing those interests. If they are right for you, they will stick around you.

[@gooderspitman8052]

Ha, ha, I alienated everyone with my bluntness and sense of fairness, so throughout my life I’ve never been employed for very long, and I am forever banned from any club that I’ve attempted to join. I’ve been thrown out of every group you care to mention and been labelled weird, strange or mad. Now aged 65, I just don’t try or pretend to join in and though solo, I’m okay. Up to aged 62 when I got my diagnosis, I was beginning to think I was insane, failed marriage, failed relationships, the diagnosis helped me to make sense of the car crash that was my life up to that time.

[@Gamper1]

finally something social i am good at

[@LowTierPancakes]

I found out I was on the spectrum last month, I’m 32 btw. I ordered “How to make friends and influence people” 2 months ago before I was diagnosed and its finally arriving tomorrow. It’ll be an interesting read even though I know that it probably won’t help rofl. To me, making friends and maintaining relationships is a fools errand. Its a lot of work with almost no benefit and the moment you let up, its all over anyway. Let the chips fall where they may and live in the moment, no need to desperately hold onto things we can’t hold. Cheers :)

[@mikesadillan5834]

You can see how many friends you "need" when you are independent. Independency can have multiple contexts: financial, emotional, professional... I am happier with 3 true friends than i would be having 30 fake friends.

[@AngDevigne]

Telling people the truth when they don't want to hear it. This is something I have never understood! I cope by taking the "we are both pretending you're fine together" approach.

[@wm6578]

i feel like telling the truth to someone (specially when its a harsh negative truth) its kinda like breaking and entering into their house in the middle of the night. The truth is a very private and sensitive matter, that makes them vulnerable, scared, frustrated or insecure. So if you come in, without being invited, it feels like an attack against their privacy and their feelings. Even when you are truly invited to discuss the truth with someone, you have to remain quiet, soft and meek, cause you are entering a very vulnerable part of themselves.

[@AngDevigne]

@@wm6578 Thank you for taking the time to explain this to me! I think this will help me be more understanding with people. To me, honesty is a form of respect, of showing someone you truly care about them, so to hide the truth then is like saying "I don't trust you" or "you don't mean that much to me."

[@maplecozy]

My son, an aspie, colored outside the lines when he was SEVEN and the teacher embarrassed him about it in front of the class. I love his ' don't care how others do it ' attitude , which matches mine! He never forgot it.

[@maplecozy]

@DrumWild You said it

[@mariamatte1112]

Once a teacher embarrassed me for drawing a person with way too many fingers, I was 6 I think, didn't forget it. And it's so pointless like, it was not even because I didn't know how many fingers a person has, I just thought it would be cool. She made me count my fingers and erase it and draw again, after "giving me a lesson". I felt humiliated and angry.

[@maplecozy]

@@mariamatte1112 What a nasty teacher. I told my sons teacher off . Being creative is more important.🌹

[@mariamatte1112]

@@maplecozy Sure, you're a great parent

[@angelaborcher9430]

@DrumWild I completely agree with this thank you for expressing this so perfectly

[@koset]

🎯 This is on target! People on the spectrum are often mistaken for lacking empathy just because they miss social cues. You can say 'people can take me or leave me', but it's a life skill for {anyone} to have consideration for how others feel. If not for them, it helps keep from driving people away. Excellent video.

[@jacobfogle1867]

You just described my life, no effort required 😂 I was recently diagnosed and a lot makes sense. I am sure most other autistic people can relate too

[@nicholasromberger6369]

I listed this as a special skill on my job applications, still jobless.

[@zappymonk5255]

Thankyou. My friends are really pissing me off. Will start immediately.x

[@isimonsez]

I’m sure they won’t miss you

[@kimhawkins8858]

THANK YOU!! What I learned from this is that small talk makes people feel safe. I can do that!

[@markschnittker4770]

It sounds like the main issue is that you are a better person than most. You are telling the truth and living your life based on what works for you and not what society thinks is "fun". Too high percentage of the population is broken. Be proud to be the odd one out.

[@grumblekin]

As I'm already an introvert, losing friends isn't a loss.... It's a gain of peace and solitude!

[@mrbubbies_]

weird bc NTs do these things to me and i am still expected to maintain the relationship (really good vid btw)

[@nicolek7061]

Hi Paul! I find it really useful when you have a flowchart of your ideas or just any visual aid of your talking points, it just helps to understand the points better imo. But you have such incredible content! I’ve been watching a lot of your videos recently and these things are really helpful to learn, and are super relatable. Thank you!

[@rebeccaelle135]

This is spot on. And alienating other (s) is natural. Its is done in the exact moment I am trying not to. A life time of this ( I am over 70 now) has left me in the place of wanting solitude after extremem amounts of ‘not making ‘ friends. What works is one on one and time limits of any social interaction. WhT works is a common interest or being w plants/ animals. No matter how I explain my neuro divergence to a normal Socialized person…They DonNOT get it. And further more, why should they have to work to hard to ‘get’ it. It is exhausting. I ache badly then when my autism is gaslighted after all my efforts are useless. I d rather be alone…said Greta Garbo? I hVe no cadence. I have regular neuro pysch therapy to assist in managing. Emotional Intelligence only works for short amounts of time with another or in grouo settings. I am Sick of being accused of anger when I am In compounded meltdowns… age makes no difference. My late life diagnosis was healing and helped make sense of my life yet now years later…. It is a mark on me, a cringing reality saying: dont even try. So I practice “being” and enjoying what I enjoy. Its not easy either way but peace is my goal.

[@Meira750]

I partially derailed a relationship by telling him something that needed to be said but i said it very awkwardly. I think this man is probably on the spectrum too. Not sure if he knows that tho. He's actually a very good, kind and generous man but he admits to being "lazy" about cultivating relationships. He doesn't reach out but he has with me. Anyway, i fixed the derailment by admitting i am on the spectrum and i am sometimes inept in how i express myself. We're back on track and i do think this may be headed beyond friendship. I know he is not a narcissist. I've had plenty of experience with those. My point is be honest about your asperger's and reassure the people you care about that it's never your intention to hurt or be mean.

[@language-n-learning]

I don't think we should be open about our Asperger's with everyone. I would never tell people at work, especially my toxic bully boss. That would just make things worse.

[@Meira750]

@@language-n-learning no of course not but those we are close to and care about. I saw this man backing away and it hurt. I spent an afternoon in tears and thought how to fix what i had messed up and it worked. It was particularly painful because i saw he was hurt but still remained kind and caring in his own way.

[@language-n-learning]

@@Meira750 Yes, I agree. I'm glad that you were able to fix your situation with someone that you trusted.

[@Meira750]

@@language-n-learning Thanks, I hope things work out for you at work. Stay strong.

[@D-Loop6]

I don't know how or why but I pretty much alienate most people. The ones that stick with me are a rare breed. God bless them.

[@JDMimeTHEFIRST]

I actually make all the effort to keep up friendships. But it always seems one sided. The effort is never reciprocated.

[@lorenzmenke3121]

Love your channel. Yes I have done this a number of times. Autism is not always a blessing.

[@vtmegrad98]

So if I'm honest about who I am and how I feel about things, I'm an asshole and no one wants to be around me. But if I pretend the things going on around me aren't hugely stressful, and pretend I don't mind all these arbitrary, nonsensical social rules, I'm fake and people won't want to be around me. So screwed no matter what. Awesome.

[@pcb8059]

An Honest Man....has no friends.

[@Opti-Mystic]

I'm 52yo and it seems that all my life I have tried to be honest and yet have just been upsetting people with it, and when I present a happy face socially to try and be acceptable, all I'm doing is making people distrust me because they think I'm being fake. So I can't win either way. Other people must put on a brave face to the world socially (unless they're perpetually happy) and I don't judge them for it. I hate my life

[@owljones3389]

same. honestly. - literally the exact same way I feel every day of my life. You're not alone.

[@payalm21]

Thanks for the video. 'Be your true self' doesn't apply to us then. The self help mantra for us is indeed "fake it till you make it and be calculative when using your five senses".

[@susanbeever5708]

One of our abilities to analyze stuff and then tell people what we have figured out is a very annoying truth to those living in denial/alternate realities.

[@mikecatterson1]

This guy is a cripplingly feeble and optimistic version of me. Thank you for posting.

[@murielshore4843]

I am an expert at alienating myself. I feel more like an alien every day as I am sso different from them and certainly don't think like them. I am 72 and never been diagnosed so not sure if I am on the spectrum. I just know I am different and the truth keeps coming out my mouth upsetting everyone. I know people don't like facing the truth so I try to keep quiet only to blurt it out unexpectedly. My family absolutely ignores me because I won't think like them.

[@OurResistance]

I am going through the same thing at the age of 40. It is like all other so called humans are a completely different species! Although I began to understand 15 years ago that other people cannot be reasoned with, it has taken that 15 years to basically give up all hope of ever reasoning with them. I'm going to have to think of them and treat them like dogs and cats!

[@themanmrbijok7364]

This is what i feel like when talking to someone new and when we form a relationship and mistakes are made on my end and i want to try to acknowledge, own up and form a discussion on it so i can do better, but the other person just wants to move on (“it doesn’t matter anymore”) - for instance.

[@xyzct]

You can't lose friends if you don't have any.

[@BettinaAscaino]

xyzot Tried in different ways? Maybe some small talk torture gets you more chances to get in the door. One or two people is plenty as friends. More “friends” can be hell 😅 if you are authentic, that is your “competitive advantage”. Just gotta go through some small talk w/ different ppl with persistence because there will be a gem somewhere. 😉 good luck. Fails are experience. It’s how we learn. A lot of people believe failing is weakness. Nah. Not failing is not living. Showing respect for some social rules is like the price to be given a chance, at least. If that’s what you want. It isn’t easy to find respectful and kind friends. There’s a shortage these days Lol take care

[@Mazou-tj4ne]

Well, I will just be myself. Everyone seems to instantly dislike me upon meeting me

[@billbirkett7166]

I think it's extremely important to always remember and acknowledge the role of power dynamics that are constantly going on. For me personally, that comprises 95% of my social difficulties, I am always blind to the social hierarchy. 95% of the time, it doesn't matter how nice you are, it doesn't matter how well you connect with others, all that matters is who is in charge. You will learn that lesson the hard way over and over again. For me, hierarchy and dominance, rather than egalitarianism and authenticity, are the most uncomfortable things to endure about social interaction. Personally, I want to both connect with others and have an interesting/authentic discussion, they shouldn't be mutually exclusive. But for neurotypical people this is the case about 90% of the time, there is very little middle ground.

[@kdcraft89]

You are really onto something here about the power dynamics. Especially so at work, but very often hidden, esp for aspies. I just try to relate meaningfully to those who don't play by those "rules" anymore, though I once did.

[@billbirkett7166]

@@kdcraft89 It's easier said than done to recognize that that's what's going on, and even less easy to try to take action to not be controlled by these dynamics yourself, after understanding what's going on. I think that someone on the spectrum is more likely to question the validity of the particular dominance hierarchy (sorry to keep borrowing from Jordan Petersen), however, human beings really aren't wired to question authority in most cases; people are wired to be 'monkey see, monkey do.' I want to see the logic behind why a particular person is at the top, vs. whether they deserve to be there or not. When I bring these issues of dominance and hierarchy up to people, they seem to have a very strong reaction against me for making something cognitive, which they interact with in a very instinctual and/or emotional way (that is to say, their own place within the hierarchy). Whereas for me, I just want to handle the issues cognitively and rationally, which on the larger scale, translates to an attitude of egalitarianism within the group and the larger society. Even people with rainbow stickers on everything talking about tolerance, can't necessarily avoid falling into their own particular dominance hierarchies, which is of course quite hypocritical of them.

[@BettinaAscaino]

The plant would loooove some water!!! Sorry, can’t help myself. Thanks for the great value you bring! 🙏🥰

[@Catlily5]

The trouble I had with the "bruise" situation was I didn't realize it was such a sensitive subject for the other person because it was not a sensitive subject for me.

[@WhatDadIsUpTo]

There are Sooo many variables when dealing with social acceptance, I have found avoiding people altogether works for me. I live alone in the country in Texas and couldn't be happier.

[@graysoncarter3017]

Normally your videos are pretty helpful to me, but I'm already a expert in this

[@PattyDalmau]

Oh boy! You nailed it💪😑 I’ve always said “I’m a loner not by choice”. I was just diagnosed as a high spectrum Aspie in May 2020 at my tender age of 68 years old-lmao💪🇵🇪 I’ve done extensive hypnotherapy to retrieve my thwarted childhood memories (good and bad) and my natural inclinations denied to me. In essence, my hypnotherapist told me “We’ve removed the trauma, you have a blank slate, live the life you were supposed to live...” Mind you, it took five years of weekly regressions to heal, I was in my mid fifties then. I learned to look you in the eyes because my mother forced me to look at her or else she’d beat me. I picked up my intuition and nursed it back to health too. Mommy-not-dearest used to look at me with penetrating angry eyes and say “even if it’s white and I say it’s black-you say it’s black, you hear? Note: hypnotherapy literally saved my life when Lyricaca gave me suicidal thoughts and life threatening circumstances🙏😇🥰

[@kylesmithisawesome]

The second one very much resonates with me. I tell the truth brutally...."pushing the bruise to prove its there" this is very accurate.

[@jasonholbrook2019]

me too.Which is why my all time favorite movie one liner is "You can"t handle the truth!"

[@theharmonyofknowledge1286]

@rowan orre Being brutal is 1 thing,but in my experience (as well as a lot of other aspies/auties,I'm sure),even when I try to be gentle and compassionate with the truth,some people *still* explode at me. Even if I try to ask *why* they exploded at me for being honest,I've learned that they just outright *refuse* to give me any kind of answer. Heck,they won't even answer why they won't give me an answer

[@theharmonyofknowledge1286]

@rowan orre I think you're assuming that I'm not bothering to actually be compassionate in how I communicate. I *do* care how other people feel,it's just that I sometimes say something that offends the other person that I didn't think would warrant their explosive reaction. An example would be like: I'm just enjoying the conversation I'm having with them,and I casually mention a little tidbit or fun fact about something that popped into my head because what they said reminded me of it,and for some reason,what I brought up really upset them, *and I can tell* that they're upset. I just don't know *why* ,and if I try to gently ask "what's wrong?",they either say something like "nothing",or just completely ignore me. Because they *won't* explain to me what went wrong, *how can I possibly make things right* ?

[@zzzzziiiiiiiizzzzz3515]

11:08 yeah but then when I try to be genuine and just explain myself, it’s like I’m the worst person ever for saying anything

[@karaa7595]

Omg I'm laughing. You described me. But Im not an aspie. I think I just sabotage potential friendships because deep down I don't really trust people and can't be bothered wasting my time plus I have a husband and a son to tend to and after giving to them I just want to be alone for like hours at a time.

[@kelcamer]

you sure you're not an aspie? haha

[@MrRadiobeacon]

Very well told! Focus on people who are worth it and just waste the rest, it s just backround noise,anyway.

[@bob.ross330]

So I have Aspergers too. I’ve known for about 10 years but I never really trained my social skills. I watched this video and I realized that the reason “Aspies don’t get sarcasm” is misleading: we still have problems interpreting others, but we may still be completely fluent in sarcasm. For me, I’m incredibly sarcastic, sometimes it pisses people off but other times I’ve been told to do stand up comedy. The missing link is making sure the other person understands that I’m being silly.

[@prattanderson9553]

honestly I don't have the energy anymore to accommodate NT's social expectations

[@island661]

It's not a matter of accommodating others. It's a matter of poor communication skills. Simply letting others know how you're feeling helps. If you're exhausted and need alone time/down-time most people will understand. Everyone needs alone time, it's healthy.

[@kissit012]

@@island661 that type of honesty only goes over well with reasonable people, not people who are emotional and need things to be about themselves. Which is many NTs

[@island661]

@@kissit012 I'm NT, I need alone time too. A lot of alone time! 🤣

[@buttercxpdraws8101]

I love this ASD twist on the old book how to win friends and influence people. I remember reading it as an undiagnosed autistic uni student trying to find some info on how social relationships work. I could run a masterclass on how to lose friends and alienate people 😂

[@Ritsuka55]

I’m not on the spectrum that I know of, but I’m not appreciating how applicable this topic is to me lol

[@GoodBeets4ME]

Unmasking seems to be helping me lose my oldest of friends.

[@purpletullip4836]

I relate the most with nr 2. Pushing that bruise, I have done that a lot. I remember some one leaving an app group and I've messaged her trying to find out the réal reason why she left. She kept on giving vague answers. That made me so frustrated because I just wanted for her to be honest. Ofcourse regretted it afterwards, realizing what I did went too far.

[@jimmaier233]

I consider truth to be an element that can make you stronger, makes your character more authentic and real, instead of a farce. What worth is a friendship, if it would force you to deny that. I layed those cards on the table for a "friend" of 16 years. He got offended, of course.. After a burnout from constantly faking social scripts, it feels good to get rid of relationships, that drown you in slow motion. I can't stand "faking", but I guess that's really what it was.

[@StudioSharna]

I’m good at these things. No wonder my only friends are those who do these things too. Lol. I congruence has been my greatest challenge in other people. Maybe I do it too. Wait, I do, because I don’t feel safe to share how I am feeling. I rate fairly high in emotional intelligence, despite being challenged by my emotions, so perhaps that’s why I’ve learned to mask in front of some people and then go home and be frustrated and wonder why. Thanks for this video Paul 🥴😊

[@galespressos]

Hear you on the truth part. It’s a problem when it needs to be said though.

[@ibfi546]

Well I think you’re awesome and you have us 💜

[@zynetik]

My best friend and I have been friend for almost 15 years. We are both on the spectrum and we have always told the truth between each other. That's the most authentic relationship I've ever had.

[@bellaluce7088]

❤

[@9crutnacker985]

Unfortunately there is a conflict between the your last point of being congruous & your first 2 of modifying ones behaviour (against your nature) in order to fit in. Result is you get it all wrong often enough not have 'friends' in the long run. My experience is that NT's definition of 'friend' is different to mine. NT 'friends' keep score help given vs help recieved (for instance) or how often you call them & if this is not reciprocated sufficiently they stop being you 'friend'. I find that aspies/ADHDers do not work like that ( they can't/ don't have the executive function to to it.) & as a consequence the few friends I do have all seem to be on the spectrum/ADHD. Backscratchy herding friends are not for me. (& yes it does impact on getting/keeping a job but as I said it's a loose loose situation - at least for me - & all I can do about it is suck it up.)

[@clannard1]

I can so relate to this. I muddle through brief one-off interactions with people okay for the most part. Beyond that, I don't understand or grasp the societal or peoples' expectations of interactions, the ebb and flow between two people and what to do/what's expected on my part in order for friendships to flourish and grow over the long term. Within any peer group I've been a part of, I see the relationships, shared knowledge and connections between others deepen and grow over time, whereas any connections I've attempted to form with those same people wither and die. It's like there's some sort of social "glue" or "bonding agent" other people (except me) have been apportioned, or there's some special wavelength, frequency or communal consciousness most people connect and share with others through that I can't sense or tune in to :( As well as difficulties making and keeping friends I suspect my concept of friendship differs from most. What I would class as a "friend", most people would think of as a "small dose friend" or acquaintance.

[@isabellejourdan]

I fall mostly into the second category. I say what is not wanted and sometimes it can be even an unconscious remark. At the same time the way I live my life upsets others greatly. Some aspects they also want, but are afraid of. In a nutshell: "Your light irritates their demon!" and vice versa 😄

[@kiyasuihito]

"Making people uncomfortable is a great way to alienate yourself." Well, that explains it 😅

[@gregorykeane2987]

I am convinced that I’m from another planet. I am so confused about all these rules for interacting with human beings. I am alone by choice but I do want to learn how to make a friend. I think I make people feel awkward and uncomfortable, so this was helpful..

[@JovanKo314]

If the key to losing friends is to make people uncomfortable, why do I see other people get closer by pushing boundaries and becoming better friends after insensitive/offensive things were said and feelings were hurt?

[@purpletullip4836]

Maybe by what follows after. Most of the time they talk it over, apologize and adjust.

[@pokelover02]

Oof. The third one hits home for me. It’s so hard to put on a convincing mask, especially when you’re exhausted from wearing it for so long.

[@SolvingTheMoneyProblem]

TIL: Paul likes Metal 🤘

[@Wolit51]

\m/

[@VortechBand]

What's not to like? It's harmonically and aurally complex, and not "easy listening", ie. you need to focus on it :) Not just in through one ear, out the other...

[@ichmemyself6098]

I just discovered that he is wearing a Rock im Park festival shirt. I suppose it's from that festival in Nuremberg, Germany, taking place every year around Pentecost. Am I right with this?

[@anttoni8867]

TIL: His name is Paul. I've watched probably dozens of his videos, wondering if my brain wiring is autistic. Interesting.

[@jonathanp___________3606]

Questions I often ask myself to help others feel more comfortable interacting with me. (Tip: Don't answer all the questions the first time through the list. Ask the first one or two for each numbered item, and when you get to number three if you need more authenticity, then go back through the list and answer more of the questions. You can iterate a number of times.) 1. Not going against the grain: How are they feeling now? How can I mirror that emotion facially as an expression of empathy (without denying my own feelings)? (If that's too much trouble at the moment, I usually avoid that interaction and maybe try again when the other person is in a more similar mood to me.) 2. Not always telling the truth: Is it relevant? Do they agree? Will it embarrass or hurt them? Would sharing this later be better? Has the best time to share this already passed? How can I support there views with this fact? If I can't how can I show that acknowledging this fact will make a comfortable (or at least acceptably uncomfortable) change to their beliefs that will benefit them in some way. This is not the same as sometimes lying. Not all truth is always relevant. For example, you don't need to know that a parsec is about 3.26 light-years to have a conversation about ice cream (unless, maybe, you're imagining a galaxy made of ice cream). Often much more closely related facts are irrelevant to a conversation. Then there are the relevant, but especially divisive or painful facts. It's a good idea to hold your tongue on those too. Timing can help people feel better about those facts, but more importantly a gentle delivery can help people feel more comfortable accepting uncomfortable facts, maybe try one that presents those facts as a solution to a problem you have in common. 3. Be Authentic: Do they trust me? Do I need to be more authentic for them to trust me? Do I need to be more authentic to feel an acceptable level of comfort/discomfort? If they don't trust me or I need to be more authentic for one reason or another, I add more nuance to the way I express myself and communicate by going back over 1 and 2 and asking one or two of the tougher questions. I think of 1 and 2 as the emotional and factual aspects, respectively, of communicating empathy in the neurotypical dialect. Answering all these questions and acting on them is like speaking another language for us. It will come with practice, but, at first, it can be incredibly difficult.

[@heathergreyart]

Hey!!! 👋☺️ Happy to see you today! Thank you for being you! (Being you & helping others is incredibly amazing!) I'm working on animations, trying to put together a channel.. You're inspiring! Being super interested in emotional intelligence, I get stoked when you talk about it- emotional contagion is real. I'm positive about autism, we can see eachother & it makes me feel less alone! Which has been my life- being abused, then self isolation.. Healing & making friends is possible. Also, have wanted to ask what type of music you are into, this was great! Thank you!🙌🤓

[@eatyourvegetablescartoon]

👋Hey! 🥕This is one of my cartoons!🥦 Please check it out!👍 If you enjoy art stuff I hope you like it!😉

[@Tickles_The_Oaf]

Wow did I ever resonate with number 3! I think about this ALL the time and have come to the conclusion that in order for me to be genuine with others, speech isn’t necessary. Here’s an example of what I mean: many years ago I lived in a zen monastery and I remember a guy who I not only had absolutely nothing in common with, but I thought he was a snob and I was not worth even his notice. During one of our formal and silent meals, I was a server and so was he but he was rusty with procedure and timing. I was very comfortable with the ceremony and so without words or even eye contact, made it clear that if he followed what I did, he’d be ok. He did and afterwards came up to me and thanked me for being such a calm presence which helped him get through it. Another person told me that during zazen (also done in complete silence) that when he observed me in the hall (I struggled a lot with upper back pain) that he saw my “heart as molten lava melting down my body”. I actually thought it was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me because I was just being a very vulnerable authentic me and without words, I was able to communicate so profoundly to someone else without effort.

[@Fightnight92]

I agree completely. People base friendships mostly on how you make them feel. I also agree that people hate hearing the blunt truth.

[@unjosefurioso3309]

What a great video! For an insensitive person as me (and so with relationship problems...) it's of great value. Clear and very well explained... 👏👏👏

[@Mo.Faried]

Trying my best, but still keep bouncing between obvious masking and being blunt like hell? I understand the problem is not with others and I don't blame anybody for this, but nothing seems to work.

[@kyshawntv6285]

Honestly. I’ve been masking and blending in my whole life. Sometimes i respond to others my natural way. Others it’s like my mask comes back on for second. And when i finish the interaction, i facepalm myself and lose so much more energy. Talking to anyone besides my family is so draining now and idk how to break this loop.

[@q.b.2318]

I have a similar issue. It's such a challenging thing to balance properly. Interactions with others has always felt like a no-win situation, because whatever I end up doing comes off either inappropriate, insensitive, awkward or disingenuous. I, as well, have failed to work out a solution for this problem in spite of rigorous research and lifelong efforts. I'd like to think I have at least improved incrementally over the years, but I am certainly still working on such and have significant struggles with the issue. Hopefully I will learn to resolve this deficit so I don't continue to inadvertently offend or put off others and damage personal relationships.

[@DevonExplorer]

Yes, I find it's really difficult too. Sometimes I just feel like standing in the middle of the street and shouting 'I don't understand you, I don't understand anything you say and I don't know how to act or what to do!' Meanwhile, even though I appear to have perfected conversations, and even though I wouldn't knowingly hurt anyone for the world, I still manage to upset and offend people every so often. And then I try to explain and only manage to make things worse. I think even my family have given up on me as they don't contact me anymore. It's really frustrating!

[@Mo.Faried]

@@DevonExplorer I am sorry to hear this. I had issues with my parents for almost the same reasons, especially with a high power distance index culture like ours, which aspergians have a characteristic difficulty to cope with. But once I discovered my condition, I educated them about it and our communication improved.

[@DevonExplorer]

@@Mo.Faried I'm really pleased that communication with your family improved for you. Sadly, it hasn't done for me, but I haven't given up hope that cicumstances might improve. Thanks. :)

[@norahssilenoj4204]

It amazes me - in a negative way- that many people just act exactly as they want, without consideration for the other person's feelings. Then the rest of a group consists of the cowards who go with the flow. I pride myself at being earnest. I try to be tactful, but I will not be a liar. Neither will I ignore an important subject if it needs to be addressed. This is confusing to many, because they figure out early on that I am kind and mild, but they are shocked when I bravely, boldly, convincingly stand up for the right thay their consciences are trying so hard to ignore. My persona automatically alienates undesirables without any manipulation on my part. A dishonest person will find it very painful to be my friend, because I am a skilled editorialist complete usually even with statistics and facts.

[@joaoluiz1114]

I'm Brazilan Aspie and in Brazil is actually much harder. Social life, occasional friends and white lies are so fundamental parts of the relationships here (I believe much more than in Australia). Even declining a single invitation or small criticisms can easily end a friendship.

[@argent-kestrel90]

I'm very stoic on the outside and very solution and action-oriented. Very blunt and someone who calls a spade a spade. I have a lot of problems with people who get easily offended and unwilling to see reason. I remember I once worked for this 50 something year old woman who was highly strung and easily furious over seemingly minor things. I remember she got furious at me for being honest about the structure of a building and how theres potential issues with the building site and she lost it at me. I was left stunned as to why such an over-reaction was warranted. I remember at university when discussions about biology and gender came about all hell would break loose. Its like anything I say will offend anyone. Its like walking on eggshells haha.