Autism & Friendship 101 | Burnout, Oversharing and more! | Featuring Claire from Woodshed Theory

[@cherylyoke4872]

A brain that wants friends but a nervous system that does not…wow, yes…I can so relate to that

[@jayneanderson8057]

YES

[@stacib7642]

Yes! Felt that to my core…

[@barbarawalker7122]

You're right...Taylor nailed it with that one!

[@philhob4317]

100!!% And this goes for relationships as well! I had to break up with someone I loved because my nervous system just shut down.

[@vkumra]

Just wrote that down on a napkin.

[@tui4099]

On the false sense of intimacy bit: I tend to be the one that is confused about where a relationship stands after certain interactions. I relive a lot of conversations. There are still people to this day that I think about and wonder how they are doing because they made such an imprint in my brain in such a short time (good or bad). I guarantee these people haven't given me a second thought. I used to get upset about it, it kind of ties into the whole being "too much" for people thing, especially if the catalyst for the encounter happens to be one of my interests. I'll get super invested in this person who then walks away and never thinks of me again. And then in my brain I'm telling myself "oh you were way too much there, they for sure think you're a weirdo" when for the other person it was just a regular everyday conversation with a stranger.

[@tui4099]

This really only applies to interactions that actually have substance to them. Small talk is the worst thing in world, which could also tie into why I actually get invested when someone wants to talk about something other than what I'm "up to these days."

[@Askalott]

Wow, yes, exactly how I have always felt.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I relate to this a lot too! Thanks for sharing your experience here.

[@helenayamez]

Oh wow I didn't even realise there was a term for this. I cringe now when looking back. I had a thing of writing letters to people I hardly knew. One was my brother's friend who went to Australia for a year (I was obsessed with Australia at the time so more to do with that than a false sense of intimacy). Another was a distant relative I met at a family do. I thought we had become good friends that evening as we had hung out and I sent her a rambling letter of 5 sides of A4. I have seen her twice since and we avoided each other, due to embarrassment on my part and thinking I'm a weirdo on her part.

[@Secret_Soul_Survivor]

Yep, totally agree, well said.

[@marshmallowopossum2803]

Over 40 years on this planet, and today I learned that when someone asks "What are you doing this weekend" they might want to make plans with me. My mind is blown.

[@WoodshedTheory]

Dude I was shocked when I learned this it broke my brain

[@marshmallowopossum2803]

@@WoodshedTheory same. I'm fairly certain if you'd been able to see my face, you would have seen that buffering circle on my forehead.

[@doughnutask4763]

I am also confused though because sometimes people will ask this in a formal situation (eg at the end of a meeting) and I am left unsure as to whether they are just asking for sake of small talk or they are wanting to find a way of meeting up (which would be overstepping boundaries and be inapropriate)...I tend to read this wrong. I suppose it can be situational.

[@marshmallowopossum2803]

@@doughnutask4763 I seriously thought that it was 100% small talk which I'm so bad at. But I definitely see what you mean that it must be situational.

[@Astro-Markus]

@@marshmallowopossum2803 Absolutely! Totally sounds like small talk. 🥴

[@dmarie2231]

"A brain that wants friends and a nervous system that doesn't" totally explains what I've been going thru lately and I couldn't find the words to explain it.

[@jenniferschiller7742]

I can’t do surface talk…it’s painful. I enjoy deep conversations and they usually happen with new people I randomly meet and never see again. 🤦🏼‍♀️

[@whitneymason406]

I do that too! 😅

[@violakarl6900]

had some of the best conversations with complete strangers as well

[@cammie49]

Complete strangers on a plane…people you are guaranteed never to see again…are so safe. I can enjoy a deep conversation with no “consequence” later of having to navigate the turbulent waters (and heavy responsibility) of an actual friendship.

[@helenayamez]

The laughing thing really resonates with me. In my office people laugh at ridiculous things, too often and too hard. I sometimes think they are being fake, just trying to suck up to people. It's very confusing and I feel like I don't belong to their club.

[@VeronicaWarlock]

I really consciously learned to do the laughing thing, and now I think I do it way too much. My half of the convo in small talk is basically 80% laughs of different intensities. I started doing this as a teenager when a certain adult would talk AT me and I didn’t know how to respond, but I wanted to do supportive pro-social rapport-building in the convo. Usually I would nod, but we were always driving, so they couldn’t look at me.

[@EarthLovingFrequency]

I totally agree. Sometimes it seems like people laugh the way they might add hearts or exclamation points in a text. Not like anything's funny exactly, just let's all giggle/laugh to show we're excited about each other or something. I can't do that.

[@EarthLovingFrequency]

I also relate to the "you're funny!" I get that all the time. Wasn't tryin' to be, but OK...

[@LaceyMyriah]

@@EarthLovingFrequency ugh exhausting. I know because I do this too ha. I have started to notice lately.

[@threeofeight197]

I’m pretty ok at the smile and chuckle but it’s exhausting because I’m doing a performance the entire time. The small talk is what really kills me. I try and my small talks never land. They make ppl walk away or go silent/awkward. I think maybe they can tell it’s fake. But who knows. Not me!! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️. I mean. I say the same line I’ve seen others say and they land w other ppl. Why!!! 😂😂😂

[@FrugalTreeHugger]

'Participating a lot in your head' really speaks to me. In high school, I would often sit around a bigger group of people. I thought I was participating a lot, but the best thing a classmate told me was "I feel like you don't participate in life." He just couldn't see it. That comment enabled me to interact with NTs better. I love that blunt talk.

[@moleculeninja107]

I always have this feeling that I’m too much for somebody. Exactly like you pointed out, I hate small talk, and would rather discuss deeper topics. But then I feel like the other person thinks I’m super intense because they seem more awkward in their communication after I ask a more personal question. I’m genuinely interested and care, but I find other people think it’s prying. I’ve only just recently met a friend who doesn’t think I’m super weird (even when I told her I think I might be on the spectrum, but I haven’t got a diagnosis yet).

[@dreamarcher4018]

Lol I have finally found a female friend who can tolerate me (so far). I see her at choir practice and we go out for food and play occasionally outside of that. we live 40 minutes apart for that I am grateful because then I won’t overwhelm her by hanging out too often. I want to keep her feeling happy to see me lol! I have explained to her I am weird and to please forgive me (for oversharing and talking over her) and she is so patient and nice. She says she has OCD so maybe we are both neuro divergent.

[@Felice_Enellen]

@@dreamarcher4018 OCD is often coincident with autism so you may have more in common than you expect. Mind you it's a year later, so maybe you already know this. 🙂

[@shelbybutler9714]

THANK YOU!!! I am intentional about my friendships. If someone is my friend, that person has been fully "vetted", and I am extremely loyal. The heartbreaking part is when that person also does not feel the same about me. Or, they would not actually be my "ride or die" friend. I have had a history of suiting up and showing up in my friends' lives; but, I find that not many people do the same for me. I do feel like I am "too much", and people have even told me that. Yes, finding my "people" is a struggle.

[@schnoodlemommy6586]

I’m 62 and I’ve always felt different and friendships are hard for me. I also never have understood or enjoyed small talk or why people love getting together in groups. At my gym I was invited into a group of ladies that always went out to lunch and dinner and I went sometimes but never enjoyed it. I would rather be home lol. I loved it when everything stopped during Covid. I quit the gym and basically ghosted all those women. It was just too much for me. I’ve never had a diagnosis but I think I am definitely on the spectrum.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thanks for sharing your experience here!

[@knmattioda]

I'm exactly the same way. Completely understand. And people think I'm crazy for this

[@ooievaar6756]

Women in groups are the worst, men as well they have this macho behaviour sometimes, but mostly they dont have a lot in common and pcik their own friends and hobbys (male 55)

[@turtleanton6539]

Yeh what is the point od eating out all the f-ing time. Is expensive and not healthy. Learn to cook !

[@threeofeight197]

@@ooievaar6756it’s hard to decide who is worse!!! Men do loud and macho but women are more coded with very subtle meanings to their every word and gesture. I tend to prefer the loud yet simple ways of male bonding. But both are exhausting if im honest.

[@AuditingWithAutism]

🎉Feeling like someone is a closer friend than they really are is a big problem with me. Thanks for this convo.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're welcome 😇

[@CelynBrum]

I am autistic, mid-30s, only diagnosed in the last year. Something I only realised recently, while falling out with a (now ex) friend, is that I tend to sort everyone I interact with frequently into one of two buckets: "trust" and "distrust". People in the "trust" bucket get the benefit of the doubt regardless of how much sense it makes. People in the "distrust" bucket, I interpret everything they do as hostile or malicious towards me. This is objectively not a good way to determine someone's intentions - but it does appear to be how I've done it my whole life. :/

[@barnebyoconnell8176]

Thanks for posting this. You've described how I sort friendships. Oof

[@Secret_Soul_Survivor]

How interesting, this is something I was wondering if I do with my friendships. I tested it out regarding just looking at the past 5 years, then I thought about facebook, I don't go on my personal page anymore but I use it for groups, I looked at the list of ppl from where I grew up and 'sorted' them😅 I think I may have been doing this since childhood, I couldn't trust family members, some extended family and some not. I definitely have trust issues and with good reason.

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

I think many of us have a difficult time discerning who can be trusted, and it sounds like you are like me… once I decide I can trust someone, the trust sort of becomes permanent and I’m unable to make sense of incoming information that should alert me otherwise.

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

I think I trusted most people I didn’t get a “don’t trust” vibe from initially and I allowed them to self select into my life-determine I was their friend. I think because I’m a talker and over disclose like many of us who are talkers, many emotionally healthier people assumed I was co-dependent when I was not and self selected out of being a friend. This meant I let some dubious people, or people who would later come back and hurt me with their unresolved issues, into my life.

[@helenayamez]

I'm doing exactly the same thing now, I don't have many people in the trust bucket, they're mostly in the other bucket, which is a problem. I basically trust my dad, my dog and no one else.

[@sueannevangalen5186]

I love the tip about considering MY expectations first. Honestly, I never would have thought I could do that. I've always been such a people pleaser, my needs and expectations are never the first things I think of. That sums up this entire journey of realizing I'm on the spectrum: for the first time in my life, I'm paying attention to my own needs.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

THIS! This makes my heart so happy!! Yay! This reminds me of convos we were having here around the holidays about how WE also deserve to enjoy our holiday experiences, not just make sure others are comfortable with what's going on. So glad to hear about putting yourself first!! Huge victory.

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

I haven’t thought of myself as a people pleaser but when other people are talking, they become the focus of my concern, and it took me decades to realise that I needed to include myself in the equation. Not that I didn’t talk, I did, but I took their needs into consideration over mine. I realised leaving myself out of the equation was self abandonment.

[@LaceyMyriah]

This gave me chills. This is the exact journey I’m on: paying attention to my own needs. It hurts deeply how long I’ve gone ignoring what I need. Thank you for putting into words what this ASD quest has been for me too.

[@sueannevangalen5186]

@@LaceyMyriah 😊

[@cammie49]

I heard the phrase “accommodate myself” recently and now, with my recent diagnosis, I am trying to get into that mindset of asking “what do I need to do to feel calm and a bit more comfortable in this situation”. And then think “hey, it’s not selfish to give myself an accommodation that I need”.

[@delaneyn9399]

about the laughing thing, I think I've picked up on the fact that NT people laugh at everything and I've started doing it as well as a masking thing, so a lot of times I find myself laughing at things that I do not find funny at all. it's to the point where people sometimes tell me "it's okay, you don't have to pity laugh" because they can somehow tell it's not genuine. sometimes though I also do it when I can tell someone is trying to be funny and nobody else laughs because I hate that feeling, and I don't want other people to feel that way.

[@joycebrewer4150]

I once went through a neighbor's haunted house, the week before Halloween. It was pretty lame, and I tried to elevate the scare factor by a small fake scream of my own. (Being scared is what haunted houses are for, right?) Let's just say it totally fell flat, and the more I tried to explain why I did it, the worse things got.

[@lea_924]

I totally get what Claire was saying about oversharing leading to a false sense of intimacy. I’ve had people tell me they love me after a few dates and I’m like uhhh 😵‍💫 it’s a hard spot to be in so I unfortunately enter friendships and relationships with a lot of walls up now. Editing to add that I’ve also been on the other side of this and I’ve also driven people away with my oversharing. Personal boundaries are definitely a problem area for me.

[@jenniferschiller7742]

I overshare too and realized it’s false sense of connection.

[@rushiaskinnerwallace6175]

There’s a video literally called Oversharing by a guy named Hu Hunter Hanson (Life Autistic or something is what the channel is called I think). It was very interesting.

[@lauranilsen8988]

@@rushiaskinnerwallace6175 yes! I’ve seen it and love his channel.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

​@@rushiaskinnerwallace6175 I love Hunter!

[@LunarWind99]

Same ! I never knew what to do with that, so I'd simply shut down sorta and not process it I often struggle to glean what nts are feeling so its just easier for me really

[@BeAGurlsGurl]

I’m 57. Just recently realized that all those things I really can’t understand that caused intense psychological pain are actually due to autism. I sobbed with relief and a whole bunch of other feelings I’m currently unpacking. Your videos have helped me and I thank you. This one blew my mind for many reasons. I am stunned by its accuracy. So much makes sense now!

[@laurenhebert4245]

I realized I’ve perfected my fake-laugh-mask when you mentioned NT women laughing at everything. It’s so exhausting though. Usually I stop eventually and just zone out until it’s appropriate to leave. And I 100% relate to people thinking I’m funny when I’m just saying what I consider normal stuff that pops into my head…like I’m not trying to be funny or making jokes but some people laugh nonstop when I talk. Sometimes I get self-conscious that they are just fake laughing because I’m so awkward and they don’t know what else to do or say. When I say stuff that I actually think is funny, though, most people don’t even catch the jokes and I just laugh at my own joke by myself. 🤷‍♀️

[@Askalott]

YES, in school I always felt like people were laughing at things that weren't funny. I also felt that way at movies with friends, and I always felt like a buzz-kill. I was like, people like this? Why do people like this? Is this supposed to be funny? I wasn't very fun to go to movies with, lol. It's not that I don't like humor or have a sense of humor, I definitely do, it's just different! I think I find things funny that most people don't. Like sometimes music makes me laugh, and I know most people just wouldn't understand.

[@Pulsepoint129]

Exactly this. I can think up a few good film examples: Kung-Pow: Enter The Fist with an ex-boyfriend; Hot Fuzz with a friend and her fiancé; Shallow Hal in the outer circle looking in at a friend with her friends in a party. All these things have in common is that I do not find any kind of humor in those types of comedy films. Yet in going along anyways just to have something to do and someone (or others) to pass time with, I was always the dutiful people-pleaser who would get met with confused, annoyed, or otherwise odd looks from people who saw the look of disgust in my expression because I didn't find a damn thing hilarious at all! Like yourself, I have a sense of humor too but not in the slapstick stupid comedy way, moreso the sarcastic and sardonic way. Like the DeNiro comedies Analyze This/That. I get this a lot in conversation also amidst family in the rare times they gather around and I have to make an appearance to be polite.i tend to zone out, especially when others are talking about people and situations I have no ties to, so when everyone began guffawing obnoxiously (sensory issue nightmare there!) and my mother actually poked me with her finger to ask "What is your problem?" then screams at me when I answer honestly and in a flat tone, "Because it just isn't funny?" (For the record, only about 5 people know and none are family) 🫂

[@Askalott]

@@Pulsepoint129One movie that really jumps out in my memory is The Hangover. Oh god, I hated that movie. But at every sleepover that’s what everyone wanted to watch. Absolute torture! 😂 Don’t even get me started on mean mothers, lol. My mom has been my biggest bully in life. Sorry your mom screamed at you. I understand ❤

[@MeganOlivier]

Haha! Yes, my masking is basically just smiling and laughing all the time 😬 it was super exhausting in high school!

[@bink865]

I have often inadvertently made people think we are very close early on. I haven't even paused to think if I like them. I am learning to be discerning

[@elysebuehrer5981]

This is so me… wow

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

Me too. And people-strangers at parties and such-really open up to me. But I find those sort of party connections don’t continue on.

[@CS-xw5pu]

This.... explains so much...... Growing up I had a "best friend" who turned out wasn't that into being friends with me. Not maliciously, but she invited me to her birthday party and somehow my broken brain interpreted that as being my BFF, even though she invited the whole class. She was nice to me so she must be my new bestie. Same with my crushes in childhood and middle school. All of that backfired and crushed me and messed me up for YEARS....

[@buttercxpdraws8101]

🤗🤗🤗

[@taoist32]

Same for me in high school and college. My best friends had other best friends although we all hung out together.

[@chreudinegueur6367]

If a person asks you "what are you up to?", what it means will depend on many factors. As a non-autistic: to help you better understand this type of questions in general, consider that the important word in this question is the "you", not the "what"? The "what" is a pretext to interact with "you". So the expected answer would probably be centered more around your experience/feelings about it rather than about the thing itself. And "what are you up to this weekend?" could be a way to prod and see if you might be available for an invitation. If yes, answer "nothing special. What about you?". It could also be a way to learn more about you and your interests. Just because someone tells you about their plans for the weekend doesn't mean you're invited! But if you'd like to go, you could say something like "wow, that sounds really fun! I wish I could do something like that". And then either they ask you to come or they don't.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Love this clarification!

[@erikadavis21]

But that's more like for flirting, right? Or like when people are already good friends

[@bedhead-studio]

I don't understand this at all. It sounds really complicated.

[@Catlily5]

I can't handle too many friends at once. I agree, I can't heavily invest in too many people. I do tend to be over accommodating. I have one neurodivergent friend who doesn't overshare. I have to give her lots of silence before she will share.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

i can relate to needing lots of silence before i share!

[@Catlily5]

@@MomontheSpectrum My best friend is like this. She is the opposite of oversharing like me. I have learned to be more comfortable with silence. I think we are good for each other because she learns to share a bit more and I learn to share a bit less.

[@doreal]

Problems I have along with what was mentioned in the video are that I get no serotonin boost when talking with friends and family. Also, if you're out of sight, you're out of mind and forget to call. I don't miss people. The only person I miss is my late mother.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I think Claire might touch on object permanence/impermanence in one of the videos…this is a great topic to cover in more detail in another video. Thanks!

[@surlespasdondine]

I don't miss people either, I do not need to see them just because I like them. My family thinks I'm monster.

[@rubycubez1103]

Great video! I was diagnosed last year at 41. I'm still in a denial stage- I don't know if this is common. Few things I just wanted to (over)share lol: -The singing! Yes please. I found myself singing right after you ladies. Im constantly making up little jingles throughout the day. -The "what are you up to?" point. At my old job, ppl would approach me and ask what I was reading. I just hand them the book so they can read the back. I don't have the patience to explain and I get word jumbled a lot so I feel like I sound dumb. -I had friends in school but realized I always adopted the identity of whoever I hung out with. Til this day, I don't know where I fit and never know how to describe myself. -Small talk. My mother is the queen of small talk. She talks at me like I'm a coworker. Always about the fuking weather. She never had an interest in deeper things and that's one of the things that really strains our relationship. When I was diagnosed, she didn't believe it. But then again, I don't feel like she truly knows the real me. I'm always masking in front of her. Thanks for the content!

[@Askalott]

I have a narcissistic mother, so I can kind of relate. It's hard to not feel validated by your own mom.

[@chreudinegueur6367]

Could it be she's always masking in front of you as well? (Unconsciously). She may have picked this one subject that gives her sthg to hold on too, to avoid unpredictability

[@rubycubez1103]

@@chreudinegueur6367 I thought about this as well but notice she's very comfortable just dumping her problems on me. She can be very open about her always feeling like a victim of something but when it comes to me, she changes the subject quickly and goes back to her.

[@rubycubez1103]

@@Askalott yes! I feel that's the one person in this world a person should be comfortable with. Narc moms are difficult.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You brought up a great point of adopting the identity of whoever you were hanging out with. I totally do this and wish we would’ve had this in our discussion!!

[@JessicaSmith-of2uj]

I always say I have a friendship "expiration date" of three months because I can't seem to make it past a few months of getting to know someone new without them losing interest-- with my recent diagnosis, I'm realizing maybe why that has been the case :/ this video is really validating and puts so many feelings into words! Thanks

[@Askalott]

I have always felt like once people get to know me, they are disappointed and get bored. It's as if they were expecting something else. I mask super well upfront, so I I think that might be part of the problem.

[@JessicaSmith-of2uj]

@@Askalott exactly! It's so frustrating and hurtful to be rejected as soon as you show your true personality

[@helenayamez]

@@JessicaSmith-of2uj that's exactly how I feel. When I was younger, I thought things were fine but friends would ghost me all of a sudden. It is very disappointing and frustrating too because you just don't know what you did. I went to Wimbledon for the tennis in a group of 3. They deliberately lost me part way through the day and I went home on my own. I'm older now and have decided to be more my true self so I don't make friends anymore. I have acquaintances now who are attached to my interests and I'm fine with it, it's less pressure. When I was younger I kept trying and trying because I wanted to be like everyone else.

[@helenayamez]

@@Askalott exactly my experience too. In my case I think some of it was to do with being too much of a people pleasing follower, not coming up with ideas of things to do etc, but when I did, they still got bored. Couldn't win.

[@HuffleHoff]

This was so helpful to hear that other people have the same issues and thought processes as me. Definitely self diagnosing, but every video I watch I just keep thinking, “Yes, that’s me, that’s how I think and these are the same struggles I have on a day to day basis.”

[@elinegroenheijde6158]

Tearing up. As a (nearly) 60yo, and only recently considering I might be on the spectrum myself (having an autistic mother and brother) I can relate to what you are talking about so much. Thank you Taylor and Claire.

[@FireKittenss]

I’m glad you guys exist. I found out I was autistic recently at nearly 30. I struggle with really craving deep intimacy with people and not generally finding that in people. Along with coming off to people “too much” or “too anxious” or “annoying” or “too emotional”. My lack of ability to relax especially in social interactions effects how I preform in relationships regardless of my intentions. I’m still in the journey of learning about all this but it’s so nice to finally relate to people. I think I struggle with finding balance of accepting the parts in me that are autistic while also acknowledging that part that needs to navigate a world that isn’t for me. All without internalizing it lol.

[@mortenle]

The Pandemic is awful, but this has allowed me space enough to see how very stressed I was before when I had to leave the house and interact with people, colleagues, and students. And that was only twice or three times per week. But the anxiety has been off the charts for each of my 30 years teaching. Teaching from home makes it so much less stressful for me, so I'm going to keep doing it. But I've always thought this job was going to kill me, and it almost has. Metacognition and thus empathy are extremely draining for me too. Getting rested enough after every single interaction is draining. Feeling bad for saying the wrong things eats me up.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thanks for sharing this here, and for the work you're doing as a teacher.

[@kimberlyhaller5356]

When others are laughing at whatever. I just smile & give a nod.

[@whitneymason406]

me too!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

A lot of my masking is smiling and nodding.

[@autumn5852]

You’re very polite

[@kimberlyhaller5356]

@@autumn5852 we try it's all we can do. My mom raised us to be (except with family lol)

[@autumn5852]

@@kimberlyhaller5356 I can relate to that because I was also raised to be polite but then after travelling the world I found out that everybody has a different understanding of what’s polite and what’s not polite so I decided to keep things simple and go for honesty instead.

[@lumailisa]

"is not a good fit for my mental health" is a brilliant phrase and turns it around, I'm stealing that 😌. Love it

[@MomontheSpectrum]

💓💓

[@cestmoi2497]

I can totally relate to the laughing thing. I get told all the time by NT people that I'm too serious or have no sense of humor because I don't laugh enough (for their standards). But that isn't true; I just don't have the same sense of humor as them.

[@rlee7077]

Jaw drop. I laugh at things, but it's more like funny animals & I do love watching ppl and finding the humor in human nature (which makes me second guess my self because are we, if I'm autistic, able to understand human nature? 😂) People often laugh like crazy at things and I'm like hmm smile a little and then feel awkward like why don't I think it's as funny? 🤪

[@cherylyoke4872]

I can identify so much. I am really happy to be invited to things…grateful actually, because I want to have friends and be around people, but small talk…hmmm…really difficult. It’s so true about me too, that I want to talk about deeper things. Later I will review in my mind conversations, trying to think about how I could have said things differently and how I might do better in future conversations. Mostly I listen, because I find people so fascinating. I think that is how I am most comfortable. If I talk, I come away thinking I’ve said too much or that I inserted topics others weren’t interested in. However, if all I do is be a good listener, they don’t get to know me. It’s hard to find balance.😊

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yes definitely hard to find that elusive balance.

[@AmyCheri]

I’m just walking into a self diagnosis and I relate to everything you girls are expressing. I’m hesitant but intrigued and a little doubtful but I’m gaining more clarity from binge watching your channel. 🧠🧐. Thank you for putting yourselves out there, it’s so incredibly brave and helpful! 🌺🌺🌺🙏🏻

[@Askalott]

I'm pretty much self-diagnosed at this point, lol. I've never felt so seen in my life.

[@faeriesmak]

Welcome to the community!!! I am self diagnosed as well. I don’t know if can front the money for a diagnosis. It’s crazy expensive and insurance won’t cove an adult diagnosis.

[@Luv_brd]

I was self-diagnosed too and I kept having doubts and imposter syndrome up until I found a qualified psychiatrist assess me and immediately got my diagnosis. The relief was so nice. Trust your intuition, if you feel like you're on the spectrum, believe yourself! Lots of luck and love to you

[@faeriesmak]

@@Luv_brd Thank you! I am pretty certain that I am . Both of my sons are. The youngest one was just diagnosed this year after having school trouble. The more that I have learned about ASD the more I realize that I definitely have it. Knowing has really helped me out, though. Before I just thought that I was incredibly irritated ALL OF THE TIME. Now I realize that I have sensory issues and know how to mitigate them! Have a great weekend!

[@littlewitch2813]

Self-diagnosed here too, mostly because where I live Autism and ADHD are thought to be only the severe cases and appear mostly in men. Had 2 therapists telling me that if I can mask this well then I should just continue doing it because an official diagnosis "wouldn't help in any way". So I had to take things into my own hands and do the research and listen to women who have been diagnosed and who share their experiences to check if I fit on the spectrum or not. And I 100% do fit and completely understand everything. I'm deeply grateful to find so many people going through the same experiences after living for 34 years feeling like the weird crazy one.

[@sianchild]

"A beain that wants friends but a nervous system that does not" is a fantastic way of phrasing it. I do think it's more that we need the right sort of friends who understand how we work and sort of matches that.

[@passaggioalivello]

My two favorite autism advocates are finally together. It's a real dream to me. Your channels are helping me so much. I'm more self-aware and I met wonderful people. Thank you Taylor, thank you Claire. Back to the topic of this video, I never (never) had a friend or even an acquaintance, because I was (and still) considered a quirky effeminate weirdo, to avoid or bulling. I literally spent days, or sometimes weeks, without opening my mouth to anyone. I love to be alone, me-time is precious to me, but sometimes I'd like to have a choice. I met a friend in real life, but I'm always scared to be a burden, so I try to not bother this person very often. Online I met someone special here. Being part of a neurodivergent community it's a priceless treasure.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Hey pass. Thanks for your comment. I feel lucky to know you!

[@niamhs6042]

I used to be scared sometimes of being a burden on other people but I've definitely improved now and I've found friends who accept me and support me even if they are still learning about what I need. I have not been diagnosed yet but I hope that this might be helpful in some way to you. There are people out there who you can be yourself with even though it's hard when you've had problems in the past

[@andreaking2358]

OMG yes the laughing thing drives me crazy! It’s like one of my biggest fears (realized this yesterday as it was happening lol) bc it’s like they like the momentum of the funniness to build and I try to add to it, but the more it builds I get progressively uncomfortable and I know at some point I’m just gonna have to stop bc if I keep trying to keep going I’m going to start saying VERY weird things just bc I think I need to add something lol. It’s like the pressure of staying silent is almost too much to bear. MUST LAUGH 🤖 MUST FIND SOMETHING FUNNY TO SAY 😂😂😂 it makes me not even wanna joke around with ppl anymore bc this seems to happen often. I wait tables and I find myself smiling and laughing when I have no idea what they are talking about (customers) and then I say something normal that’s not meant to be funny, and they start CRACKING UP and I have NO IDEA why what I said is SO funny lol. At some point it ends in awkwardness, like “ooookay, did you wanna start out with an appetizer?”😂😂😂

[@emibw]

'How are you doing?' can be small talk, but with real friends, it's more than that. It's an opener or a starting point for a conversation. Depending on what they say, you'll then ask a follow-up question about what they have chosen to share with you. They tell you more about that. You ask more. That way you gradually get into deeper topics. Doing this instead of just straight up asking something deeper achieves two things: 1) You choose the deeper topic together, rather than one person either asking about something too personal the other may not be in the mood to talk about then, or the other person imposing their topic on their friend by just starting to talk about it. 2) Asking questions shows you're interested in their life and their thoughts and feelings. Most people will not want to impose themselves on others by talking at length about themselves unless encouraged to do so, because it's selfish. What if the person listening is feeling bored or uncomfortable? Or overwhelmed? By asking increasingly deeper questions, the asker is communicating to their friend 'I want to hear more. It's okay, I'm interested and you're not boring me or making me uncomfortable. Please tell me more'. So, it's like walking down the path of conversation together. Each step of the way both parties are making choices which steer the conversation. Since each step is small, at no point will either party feel surprised or end up in a conversation they don't want to be in at that time. When asked 'how are you doing?', you choose what to answer. That's your first step. If it's a close friend and you want to open up about personal things, you may say: 'I'm okay, but I've been feeling overwhelmed at work lately'. If it's someone you don't feel comfortable being vulnerable with, you may give a more superficial reply, like 'good, yeah, been busy at work'. Both answers can be true, but the first is more personal. To the first answer a follow-up question could be: 'I'm sorry to hear that. Do you want to tell me what's been overwhelming you?' That's another step deeper into a personal, deeper conversation. Whereas the second answer doesn't give much to follow-up on. Or you can only follow up with relatively superficial questions. That's an indicator that the person may not want to go deeper with you on that occasion. What they choose to say in response to 'how are you doing?' is a clue about what they may want to talk about. They won't just dive in and pour their heart out without the encouragement of follow-up questions, because they don't want to impose themselves on you. The point at which you stop encouraging them with follow-up questions is the point at which you communicate to them that that's as far as you're willing to go about this topic this time. Maybe you don't have energy to dive deeper into whatever is overwhelming your friend today, and it would be inconsiderate of your friend to just put all of that on you if you didn't let them know that it's okay and you're interested and you care. In summary, 'how are you doing?' is an opener, which can lead to superficial small-talk or a deeper conversation. The way to move the conversation forward is to keep asking increasingly specific follow-up questions based on what the other person has chosen to share. That way both parties have control over where the conversation will go and no one, ideally, ends up surprised or uncomfortable. Hope this helps someone. :) PS Not everybody communicates like this, though. Many people _do_ impose themselves on others and just dive straight into a monologue about their life or their interests, which can be heavy or unwanted for the listener. So don't be confused if this description doesn't match reality with everybody. There are many neurotypical people who don't follow this 'protocol' either, but it is considerate to do so.

[@HolisticHomemaker]

When people say “oh this is what we’re doing this weekend” I always assume they’re bragging that they socialize 😅 like that’s nice for you?

[@Askalott]

Lol, same, are they seriously inviting me? That seems so hard to believe. Would never in a million years ask to tag along. I assume they'd invite me if they wanted me to come. Is that wrong? I literally don't know.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I think being asked these questions is usually an indication of just wanting to know more about your life, which could transition into an invitation or request to join. Just my thoughts!

[@englishmomma3904]

I always took this as look what we’re doing and as bragging about their great social life that I’m not invited to. I would never see this as the start of an invite to join them unless this explicitly said do you want to come? Was literally have a conversation with my partner yesterday saying that no one ever invites me to anything, maybe they are but I’m not viewing it as an invite? I’m viewing it as an insult like they are telling me what they are doing and not explicitly inviting me to make feel left out.

[@jessalynjanice3579]

I am 32 years old and just recieved a formal diagnosis of autism 2 days ago. 🤯 i learned about it on social media and went down an obsessive rabbit hole realizing it explained so much of my experience in life. The doctors confirmation was SO validating. Ive been binging on these videos learning about how to honor my needs and man. Im just so thankful for yall creating the content you do. Thank you a million times. I am so thankful. Im not crazy and im not alone. Im just autistic 🥰

[@julie8234]

Re investing (energy/time/emotion) into a friendship also works if you need to step away from a friendship, if it's negatively impacting your life/self

[@joan.nao1246]

Almost one year since my self-diagnosis; eternally grateful for you gals and others who have shared their journey and insights that led to this moment!! This convo is like listening to myself, yet still amazed you both were able to understand & articulate your thoughts, emotions, etc, as it's not that easy all the time. Still frustrated wondering why no one in my ENTIRE life - teachers, mental health therapists, or anyone - suspected my 'spectrum seating'. How would life had been different??

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I wonder the same thing!!

[@Luv_brd]

Is it unusual for me to laugh way more than neurotypicals? I'm an autistic woman diagnosed late who has always laughed way more in social situations than neurotypicals around me do... but that being said, I'm not laughing at the jokes in their small talk at all, I never understand those jokes! What I do is I constantly crack up at my own perspectives on things lol I just find the strange flow of conversations to be absolutely hilarious (when not terrifying.) Attempting small talk and just all the little strange behaviors that we all have I just think it's all so funny!! Some of the times it might be a nervous laughter or a defense mechanism I built up from knowing I'm different. But a lot of the time I genuinely just think it's hilarious to be a person doing person things. I'll be in a conversation and suddenly just feel like we are playing pretend grown ups and it all becomes hilarious. Sometimes it becomes awkward or isolating actually and I sometimes feel like neurotypicals don't laugh enough and that they're too serious and it's hard for me to know if they are upset when they're neutral. Just wanted to share that to represent another variety ❣️ I absolutely adored this video, you two are amazing women and I really appreciate what you're doing for the community with your platforms! Internet hug 🤗

[@Askalott]

I relate to this so much. I laugh all the time, just not at what most people are laughing at. You hit the nail on the head when you talked about the human experience being funny to you. That is exactly how I feel. I often laugh at the absurdity of existence, like some inside joke with the universe that no one else understands. It's kind of cool, but it can also feel incredibly isolating.

[@Luv_brd]

@@Askalott Nice, I really like the words you used to express your thoughts! The humor at the "absurdity of existence" is exactly it. I'm guessing most people relate closely to experience described by the incredible women in this video. It makes so much sense to me why the random laughter of NTs can be unnerving especially when it's impossible to tell what its about. If I'm not in on the laugh I often worry they're secretly laughing at me and it can be confusing. I do think my laughter began as a defense mechanism at a young age to find the silver lining of this complex brain situation. Like you said it feels like being in on a joke that no one else gets but you and the universe... Like at some point we began a stand-up comedy special on the stage of our own mind and we've been escaping to that stage ever since. Maybe this giggly display of ASD that we share is uncommon, but it's crazy to think how even if it's less than 10% of women/people with ASD, that still would be millions of people.

[@Luv_brd]

Perhaps I should mention that I cry all the time too lol Much love

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I am thoroughly enjoying this thread. 💓

[@Secret_Soul_Survivor]

Yes, beautifully said Songbird, I totally relate. I have often been caught in very awkward situations of ppl misunderstanding my laughter because I've wandered off in my mind to some brief comedy sketch triggered by something related to the current situation. It's not necessarily the joke, or exactly what was said, so I'm left completely unable to explain where I went and why I was laughing and that it wasn't to show disrespect etc., even that becomes exhausting, explaining myself and then going home and replaying it and overthinking about this 'event' (an event for me usually not others) for YEARS...

[@jademorton2506]

Thank You 🥰 I’m not alone ❤️✨🖖

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Definitely not! Glad you're here, Jade!

[@julie8234]

This feels like a friend's get-together for late dx autistic females, love it! (Dx last year at 47)

[@Catlily5]

I am 47 too!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

💓 hi julie! welcome to the (chill and socially distanced) party!

[@julie8234]

@@MomontheSpectrum just what I needed ☺️🌿 I'm doing a PhD in October in Autistic social interaction if you'd like to be involved?

[@theam2130]

I've seen some of your videos but this is my first time commenting because I have been thinking a lot about this particular topic. I'm 50 and self-diagnosed. While the realization brought relief and some peace, it also made the idea of making friends seem even harder than before. I was thinking, "Okay, so that helps explain why I don't have close friends, but I would still like to have them. Now what do I do? I really have no clue." This video helped put things in perspective and gave me more constructive ways to approach it. Thank you so much for what you do!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're so welcome, and thanks so much for the comment! I know it can be intimidating sometimes. Glad you're here! And yay for self diagnosis!

[@Mandalasa]

Oh I so totally 💯 get the laughing thing 😂 finally somebody putting this into words! Thank you!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I'm so glad someone else understands what I was trying to say here! It's totally a thing!

[@JD96893]

ME TOO!!! I can't tell you how often I've been to a party or been with a group and I just feel really uncomfortable because everyone else is laughing I don't know why or how to join in.

[@angelavestlee1]

Finally some people who gets me. I am going to direct people here when I want them to understand me.

[@Mandalasa]

It is awesome feeling understood and finding someone finally putting experiences into words, you even didn’t know you experienced 😁 I mean, this situation, when listening to someone making a “joke” and internally thinking: well, yeah this was kind of nice, but c’on, not funny enough to laugh about it 😅 I don’t have enough energy left to squeeze a reaction out of me that isn’t natural… all the while looking skeptical inwardly, but outwardly smiling and nodding, hoping nobody gets it and thinks you are arrogant… but somehow also getting it. I mean it’s not that I’m not “getting” it, I just don’t find it to be as funny as to “worthy” a laugh … hope this makes sense

[@meganelise277]

Omg I just realized that one of the things I do to mask is evaluate if someone was making a joke and laugh whether I thought it was funny or not. I do it so the other person doesn’t feel that awkward “oh my joke didn’t land” feeling more than any actual amusement on my part.

[@Asyd739]

COVID was a social break for me. Sometimes I think oh I should be a friend and I identify with the push and pull to have friends

[@hannahmitchell87]

8:10 "That's just a musing..." that you had about laughter. I don't laugh out loud easily either but that got a 'HA!'

[@MattStrom1]

Oh my goodness. Your remark about laughing is so true!

[@katycheckley]

I was today years old when I found out people are wanting to join you, when they ask you what you are watching on TV. I literally have no idea when people want to hang out, even when they directly ask me, they will have to ask me again for me to cement that in my mind!

[@MaryanaMaskar]

Invaluable. Great content. I am currently going through a friendship separation with an NT person who told me to snap out of my PTSD. After two months of radio silence, yesterday they sent me a flying monkey. I didn't engage at all, but I am still shaken by it.

[@madeline569]

I'm currently trying to separate with an NT friend as well who recently told me to go out and be more social, and to get a job, even though I'm happier than I have been in a long time but they somehow thought my lifestyle was concerning :/ I tried to explain how I'm happy and also the reasons Im doing what I'm doing with my time and it totally went over their head. Now unfortunately it's a huge burden, they think we are besties and wants to have a 2 hour chat about how we have been, and I'm trying to figure out how to be honest about us "drifting apart" (a nice way to put the lack of empathy he has for me) without hurting them. Solidarity to you, this is really tough. You deserve friends who understand you 🧡

[@MaryanaMaskar]

@@madeline569 wow, that sounds very familiar. I am definitely going to prioritize those friends who are gentle with me and respect my boundaries. Wishing you the same.

[@stacischuhmann]

Totally get the laughing thing! I’m non-autistic and frequently laugh out loud even if things aren’t actually laugh out loud funny. It’s more of an acknowledgment that I’m engaged and think this conversation is fun even when it’s not a totally genuine laugh. Plus, like you said, it makes people feel good and keeps the energy high for everyone!

[@angelavestlee1]

Finally someone who has the same life experiences as me. I need to direct people here to help them get me.

[@CarolineCarnivorous]

So much of this makes sense! Telling my NT husband and he has to explain the NT perspective 😂 I was diagnosed 3 years ago at 25, it blew my mind lol.

[@aunt_keen]

Elyse Meyers says "find less"! She's great! Love this discussion! Very relatable.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thanks for sharing the reference!!

[@evesibley822]

Totally this- “if someone is telling me about their experience I feel what they are feeling before I know what I am feeling.” I so relate. And before I was diagnosed I just thought I was a super empath and needed to isolate a lot because of it. Also this “false sense of intimacy” bit- because we drop into deeper conversations so quickly, the other people assume we are much closer than we are. Agh! This has happened a bunch and then I feel the other person’s expectations of me and this pressure I feel drives me to isolate. I’m going through the post-diagnosis autism research phase right now and I’m so confused about why people talk about autists not having empathy and mirror neurons, when actually I feel like I can’t deal with other people because I OVER-feel what they are feeling. Thanks for this great discussion

[@whitneymason406]

I've always had a few friends and one or two best friends. Since we moved last summer it definitely has put a strain on my old friendships. I often feel like I'm the only one reaching out. I try not to take it personally, but it can be hard sometimes. Luckily, there's this amazing online community with super friendly people I know...😉❤

[@barn_ninny]

"I'm much better in writing." I say this to people a lot.

[@pavilion3064]

Soo much to learn from this video and yet the thing that blows my mind is the "complimenting people" to create some connection, because it's the thing that I do to someone that is new to me! Wow, mind.. blown... And yeah, it doesn't really work. Sort of out of ideas.

[@karaamundson3964]

Your remarks re. empathy almost brought me to my knees. I've always felt deep emotions for my friends and can kind of sense upcoming events (in the present case, a friend's new puppy, another friend's third baby...timing seemed right for both). Most recently, and o so complicated, a friend's illness. I was very close with two women, "Daisy" & "Rose," who brought me into their circle, fostered my creativity (writing, sculpture), and just basically were very loving. I adored them. We (my friend and I) were invited to their beautiful wedding and "Rose"'s mother soon became a fast friend too. "Rose"'s sister was one of the directors where I worked. She was just as cool as can be. When I joined up D&R worked there too. I met them at work, but "Daisy" soon left to do other beneficial things in the community. "Rose" was one of my immediate supervisors and for 17 years I had excellent employee assessments--face to face work with little kids. However, on 3/20/2020 I was let go in a very strange meeting with the director. Unemployment didn't shell out for 4 months because the situation seemed suspicious to them (as re. my employer), and I was beyond shattered as I'd lovedlovedLOVED my job. Complicating the situation was my friend's overhearing D, at the company Christmas party, telling someone that I was "not a good fit" for the work. But how? Fast forward to now. I got a call from my friend who still works there. He told me that "Daisy"---has bone cancer. Even typing it makes me sick. Honestly one of my first thoughts was, "If I could rip out my bleeding heart to provide a tunnel for light to get through---" I was beside myself. However, I carefully composed a card--first in my head, then on paper, then on the card. All that petty BS just seems like nothing now.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thanks so much for sharing this. I'm sorry to hear about these tough times you're going through.

[@SymphoniasStories]

I think some of the friendship stuff is also introversion vs. extraversion. There are people who are on the spectrum who are extraverts and want friends but it's not easy for them to make friends.

[@TheWilliamHoganExperience]

This is awesome - my two favorite late diagnosed Autistic creators talking about something I've struggled with as a very late diagnosed autistic male my entire life. I find small talk excruciating because it feels so superficial, trivial, and thus pointless. Autistic people are interested in things that matter to them, because we are driven by love for these things, and we want to share them with others in social settings. It's just how our conciouness works. NT's seem to always keep each other at arms length. Small talk facilitates this by delaying and subverting intimacy and genuine emotional empathy - as opposed to that other kind of empathy - "Theory of Mind" which should just be called "Mind Reading" or "Actual Intention Reading". I've noticed that in one on one settings, the small talk problem evaporates with most people, It's a social phenomenon. I have several hypothesis about why this is. NT's seem to spend a lot of energy competing with each other. This competition is complex and variagated, with much of it covert. It seems to occurr across multiple domains and and multiple scales. Sometimes it's one on one, but it really gets ugly when people form groups and compete against other groups. Above all else, social competition is ego, fear, and resentment based. Lust and greed are popular motivations for it as well. Much of it is done secretly and indirectly - in codes based on subtle looks, posture, and spatial relationships between people. Tone of voice, inflection, and micro-facial expressions. Above all else NT's desire the approval and acceptance of groups, and seek aliances with people they feel will help them in this regard. There's a lot of deception underlying all of it - and of course, agression. Autistic people are not interested in any of that. We can't even see it unless it's pointed out to us, or yup - is our current "special interest" Autistic people are driven by love. Love for humanity as a whole (in my case), and the gifts we were sent with for it. From whatever planet or galaxay we actually come from lol. The whole wrong planet / alien thing is more than a metaphor - I believe we are more than human - That we are meta-human, proto-human - harbingers of Nietzsche's uber-mench. Evolution trying to better civilize humanity - to house break us as it were, so we don't destroy ourselves and our planet with our primitive tribalism and the horrors it leads to. So we just see all that small talk and social competition for what it is: Bullsh*t that robs us of our humanity. I'm guessing there are not a lot of autistic people who are rabid football fans, and I'm also guessing that not many of us like killing people as part of an army. But we might enjoy engineering weapons of mass destruction, because again, we love the gifts we are sent here with, are socially naieve, and thus easily exploited by those who have other motives. Many of us look around at the world after many years and decide it's not something we feel is safe or ethical to fully participate in. That's where I landed after 50 years of struggling to fit in as an undiagnosed autistic architect and college professor. So I eloped from all that, and taught myself how to sing and play guitar. Now I'm a muscian - trying to build a career as one at age 58. After society left me high and dry despite my heroic effort trying to be something I'm not: Normal kzbin.info/www/bejne/fYizq6KdjsaMZ9E

[@Thilosophocl3s]

You girls are singing my song about dealing with people. Ive learned to listen to what they're not saying in order to find the subtext. People laugh as a defense mechanism because they're nervous and often not being authentic. My mask is a big smile and a comment that credits their effort. Neurotypical people speak in the language of inference, so they don't have to worry about asking people directly and risk feeling rejected. Somehow they all know how to speak it... Somehow we all use the same words, and we have to realize they are inferring meaning. I only ask questions that i don't know the answers to... I'm the same about friendships, i invest. But it's hard sometimes when they don't at least meet me halfway. I've never heard of delayed processing, but that fits, thank you.

[@cecilyerker]

I love these ladies and I would be glad to call them my friends, so nice to see women like me represented. Also I just realized today that I also have delayed processing and it sucks ass!!!!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Hi Cecily! Glad you're here

[@IvyLeagueAppalacianAspie]

I resonated with this so hard core! I am just finding out I am I am on the autistic spectrum. I am 38 years old and it’s hard to believe I have not known for this long when it it so obvious, now! This was SUCH a great video! I don’t feel so alone!

[@kendrasue7265]

I enjoy understanding how you both explain how I am. I enjoy clever jokes that deserve laughter but vague silliness is not comfortable for me. Thanks 🦋

[@chevgage6210]

I have some cross over with some of these things, but I also learned a long time ago to be direct because even people without autism wouldn't automatically assume they're invited. I ask people directly if they wanna come if they look remotely interested, and 90% of the time it's a "OH CAN I?" and they would never have assumed without a direct question that they could just come. Honestly, every friend group needs at least one extrovert or a versatile ambivert to do the job. Find yourself a person who can do these things and tell them you need help connecting with people and that extrovert will immediately adopt you and help you out.

[@Mikeyboi699]

I think I'm learning (and this is personal advice you gave me Tay) to focus more on being me and not focusing so much on what people expect and so at least I'm not critiquing myself so much before during and after a conversation or critiquing others so much. It has been really hard not to go into this mode as making friendships in the past has caused a lot of pain and I can tend to get quite obsessive about certain things said, especially as I take things very literally and often people might say things halfheartedly. Hope that makes sense.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

This makes me so happy mikeyboi! I agree, it is a long and difficult process to learn these new patterns, but YOU are important, and the people you want in your life will accept you for who you are without expecting to put THEM first. Something I'm learning, too... people actually WANT to know what I like, dislike, think, feel... for so long I've deflected to others and asked questions about them, but people actually do want to hear my voice. And I believe that's true for all of us!

[@buttercxpdraws8101]

Nodding and mm-mm ing in agreement all the way through this video 😂✌️. Very relatable 👏💕

[@WoodshedTheory]

Mmmhmmmmm

[@jazzypanduh]

SO relatable. I feel less alone. Thank you two so much! 🙏

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re welcome!! Thanks for your comment.

[@lynnhouston805]

This explains my thinking and feeling about friendship. I was just thinking about how plan out a conversation I am going to have with someone. Including things might say and how I will respond. I've been misunderstood so many times over very small things.

[@sociallyhawkword]

great chat! love the discussion on finding your people although, for me, part of that was also recognising that I needed to give some of my existing people more credit and that holding back with them was my choice/baggage. when I started doing that less, most of them were very cool.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Great info! Thanks for sharing.

[@shadowfox933]

Wait a second, hold on, what happened? You have over 17k subscribers?! I remember coming here around 600. I guess it's just a testament to the hard work you've put in here :D

[@whitneymason406]

yeah it really took off! 🎉

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thank you shadowfox! It’s all been happening in the last 6-ish weeks. Really fun to experience. Thanks for all of your support from the early days! 💞

[@etcwhatever]

I keep getting eureka moments one after the other. Thats so much i didnt know about how friendships worked. I always felt so drained. Other times i just didnt realize people wanted to be friends with me 😢

[@elysebuehrer5981]

Such a helpful conversation. I am finally admitting to myself how differently I operate where friendships are concerned, and so much of this hit home. Particularly the false intimacy bit? So many times I have fallen deep into conversation with someone who has a beautiful knack for going beyond small talk, and to me, the focus genuinely is the topics we are able to discuss, not so much the bond we are forming. This has led to the other person feeling hurt when I don’t have a sense of obligation to maintaining the relational side of things. I now check myself when I feel myself getting excited to go down a conversational rabbit hole with someone. I try to think about who this person is and whether they might become more attached to me than I am ready for. It’s a sacrifice not to always go there when I have the urge, but sometimes it’s worth it for everyone.

[@annagrigoreva7230]

Hi! Thank you so much for the video! I've been subscribed to your channel for a while, and I wasn't diagnosed with autism but I can relate to a lot of your symptoms, so now I am confused... When I watch your videos I feel that someone finally understands me and this is so heartwarming! Thank you again for your incredible work!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re very welcome! Thanks for your comment Anna! Glad you’re here.

[@Felice_Enellen]

This is such a great back-and-forth. I identified with SO MUCH of what you both said. Videos like this are always nice, because even though logically I know I'm not alone, it's so much more meaningful to see people _being_ like me, and saying the things I would say, that it makes it so much easier to FEEL like I'm not alone in how I experience life and especially managing friendships. It's super-validating, so I really appreciate it! 🙂❤️

[@laurelkish6207]

I feel like having friends is sooo much work. Based on that I tend to limit how many friends I can have. I get really stressed out when a friend puts too much demand on my time and attention Which tends to make me run the other way from that friend. Ugh.

[@ShaunandRonFan]

I do the same thing.

[@herahagstoz6934]

Neurotypical people need a social prompt or some other kind of permission to share personal information. I have often wondered if I share too much or if my idea of being authentic is sometimes just too much too soon, but then when I suppress this I feel like I’m not being genuine. Rules of etiquette are often not ever explained or understood by neurodivergent people but they are often incredibly important. When I was very young I paid attention to all of the social cues that I could in all situations so that I never found myself caught out and embarrassed because I didn’t know how to be. I’ve always been hyper aware of when these boundaries are broken and the deep deep discomfort that it makes me feel, even when I’m not personally involved. It’s why I don’t like watching people confront others, or being associated with people who don’t seem to even notice that they break these boundaries. It’s a fine line between being assertive and genuine and being inappropriate and rude. I just know that I had to actively study this stuff and it’s why the unfamiliar social situation can be a stressful event to avoid if I don’t feel entirely prepared to engage as my best self. Like armor, etiquette is a shield to save face and present your best self. The pitfalls of this are unconscious masking and any kind of detrimental avoidance behavior that makes your life smaller than it needs to be.

[@llama0057]

I almost cried watching this video because I relate so much. 😭 There’s one relationship in particular where I’ve been struggling a lot, & this summed up so many of my challenges/differences in one video.

[@TeamJesusGo]

When I communicated to a friend that I felt they expected more of me and wanted to know what that was. My friend blew up on me and called me complicated. This person was physically upset and I felt crazy. Later the person apologized for the reaction but Ican't be myself around them anymore.

[@rbeysrl7]

After 60 years of struggling and questioning and not understanding, I realized, I am on "the spectrum"...now, what to do about it?! Thank YOU for this channel and discussion - SO HELPFUL!!!

[@TheSecretoftheChickenHat]

Oh wow, now it all makes sense! Friendships have always been such a mystery to me! My husband would tell me that it was my fault because i didnt insert myself into social situations. And im like, Noone INVITED me! I always felt like people just thought i was weird. I dont do well with small talk and end up saying awkward things or overshare and walk away embarrassed and replaying the whole thing in my head. Ive always been told that im intimidating!

[@marisa5359]

Relate to every bit of that.

[@waynepalumbo8917]

The fact that people do things doesn't confuse me, because I do things that probably confuse others. But so much about small talk is confusing. I am able to do it in small bursts, which was DEFINITELY learned over 4 decades of negative reinforcement. I do get irritated when my straight-forwardness is viewed as sarcasm, or joking. Its frustrating because as I am learning to demask and break down the facade that i've built up over my life, i can anticipate people thinking "why are you different now? you changed, we liked you better before" - actually I had a manager tell me people 'liked the other wayne' to which I did not respond well. It upset me profoundly. I struggle with being open about myself because I feel like people are going to try and 'teach me how to interact' thinking they are helping me. I know how to interact, its reflexive at this point (vs instinctual). What I need to do is be able to just act like myself. I know (through observation and practice, and people reacting negatively to me) how i'm supposed to act. I know that I can't be straight forward with people in many situations, and I have crafted my 'small talk chuckle' over many years. My problem is that I really don't want to do any of this anymore because it feels fake. Since i turned 40, i have been feeling pretty mid-life crisis-y and I think that much of it is due to my mask beginning to fracture, and crumble. Now that I've gotten a taste of life where i can drop my mask and be more comfortable - its pretty liberating. I'm actually calmer going to the store, or Dunkins, or whatever because i realized that I don't need to try and make other people comfortable with me. I realized that I can just say thank you in a lightly-toned, calm voice - and that's enough for that interaction. And that after those interactions, the other person is more likely to remember and awkward conversation than a perfectly smooth and crafted one, so I am trying to unlearn what i thought i was supposed to do, and just be more sincere. I think maybe we don't need to be 'straighforward', but we can just instead say less and do less, but be sincere. I think NT's can sense sincerity but since they cannot read Autistics (or think they can but really.... they can't) they are suspicious of our motives. So because of that being the norm in many places, we struggle with it.

[@kristinbond]

So many things resonate with me! One thing I’ve noticed is I can be loyal to a fault. I’ve had friendships that are not good for my mental health, but I kept pursuing them because of this sense of loyalty. There have been a few friendships that I’ve had to consciously decide to stop pursuing because I finally realized they weren’t healthy and I couldn’t be myself or I was constantly misunderstood. One thing that has been very sweet the last couple years is I have a friend group that is very healthy and we get together on Tuesdays for dinner. This has been a wonderful way to stay connected to these friendships without much mental anguish. I don’t have to plan special get togethers with them because we already see each other weekly and it’s built into my schedule. In this group I have a friend that is my one-on-one friend that I get together with on Fridays when we can. It’s nice to have that built in the schedule, too. But it’s also nice that she is totally fine if I have to cancel. Easy friendships are certainly a gift and I’m so thankful to have a group of easy friends.

[@badboygoodgirl]

oh, lord. rofl everything said around 6:00 resonates with me so hard. it is TORTURE because I love my friends, but I'm so reactive to things that turn me off or annoy me. even if i dont say it out loud!

[@stephanieb6578]

I think it’s really important to remember the large individual spectrum when talking about autism.

[@valdkynd]

Thank you so much for this video...when ever I start doubting again, that I could be autistic, you are sharing something I can again 100% relate with...

[@MomontheSpectrum]

💓

[@anj.swarbrick9619]

Here in NZ, and even some family members (back in SA) have gotten offended by what I say, even though I meant no ill feelings when I said it. I've often been told I'm too blunt and need to choose my words carefully for fear of (unintentionally) offending people, but I often only said it in that way because that is the way it made sense to me and it is the best choice of words I could use to convey the specific meaning that was intended. I too can be a very sensitive person, but I would far rather appreciate and respect a person for saying something to my face the way it is, instead of mincing or sugar coating words - so at least I KNOW where I stand with them, and hence know to either pursue or disregard them.

[@ANDREAEN78]

This discussion was so incredibly helpful and validating on countless levels. Thank you both!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re welcome! Thanks for your comment Andrea!

[@WoodshedTheory]

Y’all are the best

[@leighmarlar8164]

I’ve just discovered in the last few weeks that I am autistic. I do not have a formal diagnosis, but my intake is scheduled for 11.17 and I’ve been binging several channels and you have had a huge impact on me and my discovery and FINALLY feeling like I’m not alone. I am a real person. There are other people like me. This conversation smacked me right in the forehead and I spent the last 30 minutes inserting myself into y’all’s conversation. THANK YOU BOTH for helping me feel like I matter, like my feelings and emotions and needs and all the “weird” things about me might not be so weird after all.

[@marisa5359]

Aww. Random sings! Love that! That is my 17 year old daughter on the spectrum. Unfortunately, she and I have neither one found lasting friendship, at least not the deep kind where we know we are understood. I am used to it at age 45, but watching her as a teen wanting to feel included is hard. I worry sometimes I have made it tougher on her since I am not able to be more social myself. It's an unfortunate observation I have made in my small community. Moms lead the way and, when they click with each other, their kids seem to, too. I just can't seem to do it. And, yes the laugh! Even my MIL does that and it is so awkward because she has such a long laugh and I am there silent and not comfortable or inspired to join in.

[@ennairam3360]

I'm so happy to watch this video, because I can really relate. Especially with the high pinch laughter among many woman groups that I just have never been able to join in on. I often feel like a fly on the wall looking at others instead of being part of it. I want to talk deep and the smalltalk annoys me so much, because it is just "fill". Delayed processing is a constant. Thank you for sharing

[@sarahgiggles9444]

Oh. My. God. So many things in this video really hit home for me. I don't have any diagnosis yet, and I'm trying to keep an open mind and not jump to conclusions about diagnoses or labels that may or may not truly apply to me. But when you guys talked about small talk questions, or the idea that if someone had something to say they would say it without small talk prompts, or the idea that asking what I'm doing is a NT way to ask if they can join, or having to use small talk to give NT people the "space" to open up into a deeper conversation rather than jumping straight to personal topics... Wow. Wild.

[@mementomori6585]

I decided not to have friends around 4 years ago. I let the few friends I have “go”. Between my down time alone, my kids, husband and a few family members that’s all I have time for. I haven’t had any type social media for almost 12 years now. These things (no social media, no friends, haven’t watched the news in ten years) helps me live. It makes me happy. I used to feel like I was always stretching myself too thin, saying yes to please people, then melting down for being overwhelmed. Feeling obligated to catch up with friends when I’d prefer to be alone or be with my kids really made me feel shit. I’ve never been happier since letting friends go and simplifying my life.

[@torion22]

at 16:30 mindblown the explenation why everyone always confuse us with being closer than we actually are

[@jackd.rifter3299]

I absolutely love puns. I'm not sure why, but since I've been able to talk since 6-7 years old I make puns and they are my favorite wholesome kind of joke.