Are we a good fit? How to tell if you're right for each other? | Autism and Relationships

[@wolf1066]

"A bird may love a fish, but where would they live?" How come I'm 57 years old and this is the *first time* I've heard this? I did the "list the non-negotiables" thing ages back and re-check/amend it on a regular basis as I learn more about myself (it took me *years* - and two marriages and a number of live-in girlfriends - to come to the realisation that co-habiting is *not* something I can deal with). It certainly does make it more clear what things *aren't* as important as previously thought.

[@impimpoundment4943]

So this is some of the best relationship advice I've heard PERIOD. Like, autistic or not this is literally some of the best advice ever. People so rarely communicate about their non-negotiables in relationships other than kids and marriage or something. And for some reason, those are taboo to talk about on the first date? Like, if marriage and kids are really important to someone, why even bother if the other person will never want those things from the get go? Just to be polite? Sorry, I'm rambling now. The point is: Great video!!

[@Jupperna]

I think in Indian and other Asian cultures they do just that :D The parents talk to the couple-maker about what it most important for their daughter/son. Nowadays arranged marriages are born to very much like this: the singles go on dates with possible matches the couple-maker gave them, and then they talk about their future vision. After 3 or 4 dates most already know if they want to marry or not :p The rates of succes in those marriages are higher than in 'the West'.

[@Judymontel]

I just found this video now and I agree with you 100%. Really, the best and most succinct relationship advice for any human!!

[@maudline]

Agree!

[@crosshalt8499]

I love how you explain your thought process, talking really is like a muscle you can train

[@MsMastress]

It really is! I'm on the spectrum and I practice socializing with my family all the time. It works if you keep doing it. Soon enough, you'll sound more fluid than even many neurotypicals

[@chuckleberrypi]

I can relate. I found "the like switch" by Jack Schafer and "what every body is saying" by joe navarro to be really helpful in learning reading social cues and other social concepts. Pretty sure there are KZbin videos about the concepts if you're more an audio/visual learner. Good luck :D

[@Satan666Official]

My partner and I are complete opposites in interests, but complementing intellectually. I've learned that having a relationship with someone who matches your drive/motivation matters more than simply liking the same things. Only has been a few years, but I've never been happier honestly 😄.

[@peterwynn2169]

Well, here's the thing to remember, also. They say that you shouldn't discuss religion and politics, but, if I could draw an example, two people of the same religion might seem like a good mix, but say you have two Catholics, one of whom attends church every Sunday and is very traditional (even eating fried fish of a Friday) and the other only attends church at Christmas, Good Friday, Easter Sunday and occasionally through the year, they're probably less likely to be a good mix than say a Catholic and a Muslim where the Catholic attends church every Sunday and the Muslim the mosque every Friday. Similarly, sometimes if one person votes Labor and the other votes Liberal, but both are committed to their causes, it can be better than if both are Liberal Party voters, but one is a local branch member, but the other only thinks about politics at election time.

[@madebymillie5181]

I'm so glad you mentioned drive and motivation, "Satan".

[@LukeSumIpsePatremTe]

So what do you do together?

[@SerendipityInTheSky]

I’m curious what you mean by “intellectually complimentary”. This is something I would like in my relationships and would love to know how you discovered this

[@heedmydemands]

​@@peterwynn2169 good point

[@runer007]

I had a relationship with an autistic girl. There appeared a quite strong reciprocal attraction between us. But then she chose to leave me. I witness how she was fighting the strong attraction she had to me and controlled it. Now she never ever wants to see me again. She wants to stay away from me, even though she is still attracted to me. She told me the reason why she don't want to be with me is that she thinks we are too different on key areas. I don't myself have an understanding about what areas we are too different. I just miss her and like her company. It's 4 months ago since she left me. It has been quite dark and painful months. Of course every month I seem to be becoming better at managing. But I believe she will stay in my mind for years. She has some power, so she is a little hard to get over for me.

[@heedmydemands]

Aw that is too bad. I understand, it's so hard sometimes to get someone out of your head

[@isimonsez]

She did you a favor… they’re too much. Do you really wanna walk on eggshells

[@andrewenneking9334]

I am so sorry to hear about this. If you are reading this, please know that you will be happy in life, even though you lost something special. Please take care and good luck.

[@tnix80]

I'm on her end of this story. In my case, both parties are better off I feel.

[@tnix80]

​@@isimonsezwhat's funny is the main issue was I was exhausted from walking on eggshells

[@conorreedR2C]

My brother's rule of thumb was always "if can't see yourself marrying them after a month of dating, end the relationship." I did my best with that; but seeing as I had no clue what I was ever looking for, I got stuck in a lot of bad relationships. Can't wait to see what Paul says here. Thoughts After Watching: I realize that I usually came off as either immature or inconsistent to the majority of my partners because I would either miscommunicate my needs (perhaps not knowing them) or listen to the advice of others who didn't have my perspective, which often led to me butchering the process and ending a great relationship early. I'll have to write & think more about this so I can understand better. That way, I'm actually ready when I decide I need a partner.

[@unapatton1978]

*want a relationship

[@surrenderinfaith]

Yes, I think writing things down helps to clarify and make sense of your needs.

[@heedmydemands]

​@@unapatton1978 good point, that would b better if u decided u want a relationship as compared to need a partner. Ideally u should feel alright when u r alone too. I have been learning about attachment styles and it's quite interesting. At first I thought maybe I have secure attachment but one thing I heard about secure is that u don't have a prob asking for what u want and that's definitely not a good area of mine. It's really hard to ask for help or for what I want, often I don't know what I want. Is your real name Una? I like that name.

[@heedmydemands]

​@@surrenderinfaith yes with me too, writing is so helpful to clarify my thoughts. It helps me to just focus on my own thoughts and make sense out of them. I was journalling every day for a period of time but I stopped lately which is unfortunate. My mental health is always better when I do that. I also struggle to know what I want or need and can take advice from people when I should stop and listen to my own thoughts and perspective more.

[@ari3lz3pp]

"A bird may love a fish but where would they live" I heard that in Ever After ❤️ It's a beautiful quote. I love that movie. 🍿

[@thenobleone-3384]

I'm almost 30 yrs old I don't have a lot of friends trusting people is a challenge for me. I cannot ever see myself getting married it's better for me to be single. I grew up a really shy kid. Now I consider myself an Introvert.

[@raggamuffin2013]

I'm with an aspergers man, he struggles socially and isn't my usual type, but I love his honesty and feel completely safe around him. We just seem to fit and feel completely comfortable with each other I only really notice his anxiety and social difference when we go out. Others look at me like why am I with him, because they can't see past his akwardness or defensiveness when anxious. My parents like him but I can tell they don't fully get him, I've made them aware of Asperger's but they never look into it just assume they know what it is, like many neurotypical people I imagine. I do have to be clear in my communication but that's good with me as I prefer that style of communication anyway, I suspect I am on the spectrum somewhere but over the years I'm 41 now I seem to have lost a lot of my traits.

[@raggamuffin2013]

He also takes on board everything I say

[@catalinaa7294]

This is such fantastic advice. I have OCD, with fears and obsessions related to relationships. I often get to hear "any relationship can be worked on", "unless its toxic, hold on to it!" but it's so important to acknowledge that not all relationships are meant to be worked on. There can be fundamental differences that makes it not a good fit. Thank you for giving me some sort of strategy to figure out if it is a good fit or not. 💖💖

[@shortycareface9678]

I made the mistake of being too open-minded and thus compromising a non-negotiable in a long-term relationship. My ex wanted kids; I do not. I've never felt a desire for kids; known all my life that I don't want them. Yet I fell into the trap of thinking that "well, you never know; it might change". Let's just say it hasn't changed, and it's something I will never compromise again. Interesting that you mentioned a long-term relationship where you're not living together. That's an idea I am open to. Another mistake I made in my past relationship was moving in too early, while still in the NRE phase of the relationship. Now, I've decided to at least evaluate it more thoroughly, wait a lot longer... and I've figured that, hey, maybe it's not necessary to live together full-time, after all.

[@shannonlindberg1802]

I have been feeling so alone, just found your channel, 4th video in and I am crying. Thank you so much for helping me realize what I can do to get my energy back! Bless you!

[@billsheets7]

I’m in a relationship with someone who is ADHD. We are both retired and live in cities 500 miles apart. Your advice was spot on. We are sometimes living together in one of our residence and sometimes apart. We both have our own opinions and choices to make about why we are together and how much we are together. We need to do the dance alone sometimes and together at other times. Keep on doing what you do, Paul. We define our relationship together.

[@traceycrawford9938]

This video should be played for ALL teens in high school. Just great solid life advice! Wish I’d heard this when I was much younger. Well done Paul! 🎉🎉👍👍

[@infidelcastor]

I love my partner so much, he is such a good person, I have never met anyone who accepted my differences in this way and actually loved me and showed me in so many ways. The problem is that I have come to the realization that I can’t live with him (or anyone), I need so much space it would probably hurt him constantly, and I would be so rude all the time. This is very hard, I’m so upset with myself and my needs. It’s just not possible to share a home and never be in control of my environment or time completely alone, often I need days of little to no talk/listen to recharge. Without this alone time I would be unhappy and stressed out all the time, there is no win here, he would be so unhappy too. Sorry for writing this here on your awesome channel ❤️ I just had to let it out somewhere.

[@heedmydemands]

It wouldn't work to still be in a relationship but live apart?

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

This is excellent advice for anyone considering to embark on a long term relationship. Only wish I figured this one out years ago, I would have been better off staying with my family of origin & just dating the guy when it was agreeable for both of us. The business about deciding to marry & move in together was a big mistake. One that ruined my life to the core . I would make this same mistake twice in my life, but never again. I have my own place now & I’m keeping it.. PS - Ladies, let the guy live on his own unless you want to be the house keeper, cook, maid & nurse, & errand lady.

[@amaadud4855]

Hey Miss Merry Berry, don’t be so down on your past relationship experiences 😊 Every single relationship we have gives us an opportunity to grow- emotionally, mentally & spiritually. Look at the personality traits you had to develop to deal with all your relationships, this is real growth due to the life lessons. The amazing person you are today is due to your life challenges! Thank the people (in your mind) and pray that they have received and appreciate the growth from your relationship with them. Now celebrate your life 🎉, the future is going to be wonderful!

[@RafaelSantos-xl1ut]

Great tips. This is the opposite of romanticism. And it works for me, as a brazilian psychologist specialized in relationships (and, possibly, also in the spectrum).

[@aysheasaleemi7871]

I really like your Chanel Paul. Your always so thoughtful, polite, inclusive and non judgemental. A safe space. Thank you 😊

[@Jupperna]

This is so well explained! I have been a quite socially active person, I had about 9 relationships in my life, all quite different. I am only now (at 31) realizing these things about relations that you are talking about. The good-enough, the non-negotiable, the practical side of a relation and the looking into the future (together) to make a decision. Thank you for the video :) I didn't get the chance to 'mirror' these insights before and you have been my mirror today.

[@lululolo200]

A great video, but the questions you‘re asking give me anxiety... it‘s so hard for me to know what I want and to give boundaries to my bf and also to tell him something honestly but as gentle as possible

[@drop_messages6226]

I suspect a lot of people will settle for a "bad fit" out of some fear (fear of being alone, fear of not having regular intimacy, fear of not having someone to hang out with on the weekend) I do not just mean abusive relationships, I also mean couples that have little to nothing in common. What is the point of a relationship with someone, if you have nothing in common, other than having a warm body nearby? What are your thoughts on couples that obviously are wrong for each other, yet still stay in a relationship?

[@Rubyluxxe]

Thanks for this video Paul, great content! My partner and I have been through these steps over the past 2 years and are now looking for a place to move into together. We are both looking forward to living together but also both feel trepidation as he (diagnosed AS) is stuck between wanting a relationship with me, living together and starting a family and his very real and present need to be alone in his own space whenever he is feeling stressed and anxious which is very often Due to PTSD and sensory sensitivities and burnout. Another room doesn't fulfill this need as he only feels safe and can calm down when he knows he's truly alone. He has expressed how much he hates this about himself and how much he wants a relationship with me. We are pushing forward looking for a rental that has a sleepout or workshop space but I still have doubts that we can make it work. He struggles extremely to think ahead or plan things so we are stuck at "we will know when we try it" which for me - anxious in an "I try to plan for everything" way with ADD and AS traits is very hard! We are both really hopeful that his therapy will help him manage this better over the long run because loving each other so much we really want it to work! I'd love to see a video on balancing needs with wants for the AS person. I feel like my partners quality of life overall is better in a relationship with me but day to day its harder for him than being single, which I feel is applicable to me too. He makes me so happy in a deep core of my being way but day to day its very hard supporting him through depression, meltdowns, shutdowns and cutting dates/ hang out time short very often when he needs to be alone.

[@jenlovesthisstuff]

Is it possible that you both can move in together and he could rent a small studio space or a shed?

[@eshiboo]

This situation is exactly what I went through with my ex, where I wanted to live with her butt this conflicted with my need for space. We moved in but it was a constant fight, and I wasn't well in that situation, but financially I felt like I had to other choice. I think moving in was a mistake, and it was a major factor leading to our breakup. Not saying your situation is the same or will end the same. But don't underestimate his need for space. And also, he may think that to be a good partner, he needs to sacrifice for you. But that sacrifice (his personal space) may be too much, like it was for me.

[@Jupperna]

Wow, I have the same problem as your partner. I really want a relationship and I am a good girlfriend, but I need some time alone - really alone- at least once a week, in some periods even daily. When living with someone my ptsd and trauma's come up (maybe cause I was abused in childhood in a family setting, living together with others, despite having an own room). I wanted to say it's great you are looking to make this work. I thought I shouldn't bother telling what I need to people, as it is 'so weird' and I thought no one would settle for such a situation, but you prove to me that there are people that are loving enough - or maybe practical, smart, etc.- to try and accomodate their loved one! ^^ That must be so good for someone with ptsd, as they often feel like paria's in society, due to the unforseenability of moods and flashbacks etc, and mostly the reaction of other people to them 'not being able to behave normally' :/

[@coreycox2345]

@@Jupperna Two people like this would think of it as "behaving normally?"

[@michelhickey5765]

lost a girl once because i told her idc if you cheat. i just dont want to know about it. but in some ways i never actually loved her, i just liked that she listened to what i had to say

[@kyshawntv6285]

Yeah sometimes you need a friend. Even for the ones that only want sex, friends with benefits also exist. Okay I’m talking about nothing again.

[@michelhickey5765]

@@kyshawntv6285 I'm doing much better, I have started reading a bunch, 3 books actually, while writing and composing, one of those books is a health book and how to maintain health while I go mad and study. EHASTT let me describe it to you in the best way I can: “One of the first signs of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die. This life appears unbearable, another unattainable. One is no longer ashamed of wanting to die; one asks to be moved from the old cell, which one hates, to a new one, which one willl only in time come to hate. In this there is also a residue of belief that during the move the master will chance to come along the corridor, look at the prisoner and say: "This man is not to be locked up again, He is to come with me.” ― Franz Kafka, Blue Octavo Notebooks

[@michelhickey5765]

@@TheBliepbliep found out I have a lot in common with st michael and I have a solar eclipse on my birthday this year, these are some interesting times for me right now, and i still dont care about women or love, i bring a dog for a walk everyday and that satisfy's me

[@ryc2535]

I'm 33 ove always felt different and like something was wrong in my head I just took my first mri ever and will hopefully find out that its been asbergers this whole time. Listening to you talk has shown me that I finally found someone that understands me. Iv been able to hide my issues but find it harder and harder to pretend anymore. I appreciate listening to your talks and hope you never stop.

[@mammadingo9165]

Did not know autism could be seen on MRI that's interesting . Goodluck ✌️

[@jessicaborgogni9595]

This falls within the lines of Intentional Dating (what Christians call it) and it’s handsomely good advice👍🏻the living together or not is exactly an example I’ve run through for myself 😂v. relatable!!

[@raylaughlan5324]

Would you consider doing a video on two aspies dating each other? I’m an autistic female dating a neurotypical guy, and I’m having a bit of trouble deciding if I should accept that he and I will never understand each other on that level, but I also don’t know if dating another aspie would make for more or less problems... if you’ve ever seen cases like this, I’d love your input! :)

[@Jupperna]

Hi, I have dated quite a few autistic males (3 out of 9 relationships). There seems to be a supernatural attraction between me and male aspies. But it always ended quite fast! Imagine two autistic people dealing with each other's meltdown without getting overwhelmed? Or trying to understand each other's blunt communication when there's lack of emotional intelligence? Even with aspies as intelligent as I am, able to mask and manage their energy, it is hard work. For me at least, the relationships were very tumultuous. The connection was really strong tho. So lots of drama. I have found that a person who understands autism because he/she has some traits of it, but yet doesn't have too many negative traits, is the best. Someone who can navigate you through social life and daily needs when you are having a bad time. Of course I might be more autistic than you are and you might be able to deal with a person that's more autistic than you are. You should try it out. This is just my experience. For myself, I have concluded that the 'hybrids' as I call them (pdd-nos, mcdd, introvert smart NT's with ASS traits, even caring NT's with an interest in autism) are best for me :,D

[@raylaughlan5324]

@@Jupperna thank you for your response! :) You sound just like me lol I also am quite good at masking in most situations, so my boyfriend was shocked when I got diagnosed recently. I agree that someone who has less autistic traits would be easier to date, since I don’t have a lot of the more difficult issues to manage (I don’t have gender dysphoria or smell/taste/texture sensitivities, just sound) and I don’t have meltdowns really, more like shutdowns where my mask will start slipping and I have to go hermit-mode. However, I’m extremely sensitive (general low self-esteem from being teased a lot) and am worried that another aspie would offend me if I tried to date him because he’d bluntly tell me that I look fat today if I ate too much or something like that. I wish I knew more aspies so I could tell how much the bluntness actually affects things! Were your exes accidentally hurtful to you, or was that not really an issue since you’re also an aspie?

[@moll443]

I'll share my story, if it helps who knows. I met my partner 11 years ago. Neither of us knew we were autistic. We just felt right. We instinctually knew we worked well together. We both were clingy in a sense. Though we are best friends we did struggle in arguments for the first probably 8 years. But we have always stuck together. We've finally started getting better at listening to one another. Now, right after our 10 year anniversary we have both realized we are autistic LOL. It's actually pretty funny but everything makes so much sense and now we understand eachother even more and understand why we both argued the same way yet didn't understand eachother. I hope you get your match. I think it can work either way neurotypicals or not but they do need to have some kind of understanding. My partners mom is on the spectrum, his dad is not. They have had a strong good marriage so far for over 30 years :).

[@ttapioca5]

I’ve been best friends with my husband for 13 years, & married for nearly 2 years now. We both have Aspergers/ASD as well as ADHD. I would say that of course it comes with double the communication issues, double the sensory sensitivities, & double the meltdowns, but it also comes with double the understanding, double the awareness, & double the connection. I’m not feeling super well today so I’m not up to writing my usual huge comments, but basically it was hard when we were both less aware of our own needs & our sensory needs clashed too much, but it became much better when we learned how to convey our needs to each other appropriately. I would say realistically a neurotypical person will never, ever understand your mind as well as another autistic person will. I do think we share a special bond not based entirely on it (of course), but it’s just hard to put into words how well we can understand each other. It’s funny too because in many ways, we’re totally opposites. Many of our sensory needs are polar opposites, him being hyposensitive where I’m hypersensitive & vice versa. But the level of understanding of how much those things matter is just completely different than someone who doesn’t experience them themselves.

[@MsCaryopteris]

My favorite relationship was with somebody else on the spectrum. He is very smart and socially awkward but so kind and works hard to listen to people as he shares his knowledge. He seemed to have 3 sides to his personality and I loved them all. He was never boring to me. I didn’t realize I was on the spectrum t, and couldn’t understand by some people found him irritating. He’s the only guy I ever loved so much I would have had a baby with, but our ages didn’t match up so we had to end it.

[@danies3335]

Thank you for sharing and helping us all to learn.

[@--mica.ology--]

I HAVENT EVEN GOTTEN PAST THE AD; I SIMPLY CANNOT CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT! I've been needing this video for YEARS 🥴

[@stephenlackey5852]

This is an enlightening perspective shift

[@sarahcauer88]

This is very black and white thinking😜 me and my partner could not be more apart with everything. Only thing connecting us is love and aceptance. This IS enough💛

[@Judymontel]

You are really an excellent life coach, Paul. For anyone! Thank you!

[@rougesunset]

I came to this realization recently. Yes we probably could be together with the right help and support, but that ain’t happening

[@Jessie_Helms]

This isn’t even autism specific, _everyone_ needs to ask these questions

[@ginablanshard8255]

I survive by having multiple areas inside & outside of the house where I can escape to at any time...with different projects going on in all of them...

[@mileswilkie]

This is literally exactly what I needed, I so appreciate your content!

[@e.l.2734]

I can't get a formal diagnosis at the moment, but I really want to learn how people in the spectrum live so I can try it out and see if it helps me, as 30 years of trying to imitating neurotypicals clearly haven't. It also doesn't hurt that it helps me understand and appreciate this group of people better.

[@alfombraspersasyorientaleslior]

Paul.. I think this is one of your best videos ever. I have never heard such a good explanation of what makes a good partner. It is soooo gut that I took written notes in order to always take it into account. Thank you so much. Best regards, Lior

[@SueLyons1]

Our most important, I think, is our own response to life - not to any one person

[@tiiaj7589]

Uhhh, if you are in a relationship then you HAVE made a commitment.

[@NidusFormicarum]

I think that is the wrong question too. It is a black and white question assuming that either you are all in or you are all out. I would rather ask "Can we make this a relationship a one where we both feel that it gives more than it takes in the long run and how would we want that to look like?"

[@laurie3113]

Thank you for this video...I do not consider myself to currently be in a relationship... if I can't sit across from the person, and have these types conversations...then there's not a relationship to fix. Being able to sit, sleep and physically interact, in the same vicinity as my partner, on a regular basis is a non-negotiable for me. If you can't make time to sit and have these types of discussions with your partner...there's no relationship, because we aren't interacting or communicating in the ways I need. If I have to question whether or not I am in a relationship...then there's no relationship. It's a similar situation...if the other person is still married, in an ENM relationship or polyamorous...if the 2, or 3, or 4 of you can't have these types of discussions in person...then the human interactions required to classify your status as being 'in a relationship, ' is non existent. To me...this seems pretty easy to fix...A) you talk in person or B) you tell the other person why you don't want to talk, in- person, then you go your separate ways. I understand now that it's not a question of whether I think I'm 'enough,' or how badly I want something to work...it requires the other person to show me the respect of responding to me, communicating their needs and showing up, because I deserve that, every single day.

[@divyanthj]

Could you make a video about neurotypical cliches (or cliches made up by neurotypicals and accepted as a standard)? I can't think of too many, but some examples would be something like "it doesn't cost anything to just smile" or "being polite isn't too hard, is it?"

[@starlite1111]

thank you for sharing your ❤, much appreciated out here!

[@MrPhantomby]

Newly diagnosed 27 y/o here. First could do with learning how to get into a relationship first before I watch this 🤔

[@SandraWade666]

I really love your videos, not just because they're full of good info, but because your voice is sort of like ASMR to me :) Very calming.

[@murielbilly4296]

I have always thought that being in a relationship is so difficult, almost destroying (I had a few relationships of 2 or 3 months, and it was so strange and hard that I had to take medication) and absolutely not possible for an autistic person. And then, with your video I understand what is important, which questions I have to ask myself. I am like mmm maybe it could happen, maybe I could cope with all that a relationship needs to work. Wath I really like to know is when and how to tell the person you are asperger. Once a psychotherapist said I will find the good moment by myself. How can I do that? How can I see the situation or the signs that will tell me? I have no idea. I understand nothing in the communication with someone I'd like to be my friend. During 40 years or so, I was sure that if I like or love someone the person will automatically love me. For me it was like mathematics. When I realize I was wrong, I said, OK, I'll stay single. So thank you, because the question and exercises are very helpful.

[@GlitteryPegasus]

Thank you, Paul. You're always so clear and concise. I appreciate it. 😀

[@frawldog]

i have aspergers. life is tough. thanks for the videso

[@drchrisp366]

The idea that there are many people arround us we can start a relationship with is overly optimistic considering the statistics and how a lot of autistic traits are considered red flags in psychology for relationships. Finding a good fit as an autistic first is incredibly rare, then finding a fit for your personality within that is rarer. Even in just finding out that you are autistic one tends to loose the friendship, and they are going to be looking for excuses to bail. Something that I have noticed in most successful autistic relationships is the need to seek couples counseling for both partners, the majority of autistic and NT relationships do not work out because of the work needed that is not needed in just NT relationships. The rest of the advice is sound, but its not autistic specific, its just general good relationship advice that does not take into account the psychological nature of being autistic

[@gigilore4515]

A bird may love a fish but where would they live? Have I got a clip from The Mind’s Eye for you!

[@ajkooper]

It might take a big effort to get to know what your non negotiables are though. Either through trial and error or seriously taking the time to get to know yourself from an honest perspective. Sometimes i wish i just came with a product manual ;)

[@mammadingo9165]

Same ✌️💗🌻

[@mauralombardi9634]

Hi Paul, I always appreciate your videos. It sounds like you could successfully run an Aspie dating service, asking all the right questions, and pairing people up : ) Too bad you are on the other side of the globe : (

[@El-ks4ff]

Came very close to make the same mistake again. There is chemistry, physical attraction, but it would never work. I can see that now. Thanks for your videos, they are helpful.

[@xlrouge]

Hearing this feels so liberating

[@userlooking]

Wow. Thank you for sharing your insight and skills. You have an amazing way of making personal experiences seem accessible in global patterns. Safe way to relate, learn and grow from self awareness. Thanks.

[@axelgrim4944]

Your video was so helpful. I'm just discovering myself to be on the spectrum and finding out videos like thos help so much, spectrum or not. Keep making them!

[@MadameSenator]

This video and your and your advice in it is life-changing for me. My partner is an Aspie and we've been in a polyamorous relationship for almost 7 1/2 years now. We've known each for 10 and worked together for 6 years. I'm 36 and he's about to turn 44. I was struggling on how to approach having the kind of conversations & question you've demonstrated here. I want to say, THANK YOU! Thank you for all time and effort you've put into this channel and sharing the wealth of your own experiences and findings. This channel has become absolutely invaluable to me. I was wondering what videos would you recommend for me to share with him? He is not diagnosed, spoke to his doctor about it who was less than helpful, and he believes there is no real treatment for those diagnosed later in life.

[@drlarrymitchell]

Ouch I have lost myself again Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found Yeah I think that I might break Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

[@mahtabk1991]

My partner never told me he is on the spectrum. I noticed some unusual behavior but it never crossed my mind. I found out by accident from the therapist we both share. I never reacted on it and I'm confused on how to approach this. I have ADHD and I shared that with him early on. I appreciate your advice.

[@ermutigung8615]

Thank you very much for this great video, so clever and thoughtfull. Thank you for your investment in other people for free with these kind of thinking about challenges.

[@nataliepope8643]

Paul you have changed my life with your vlog! And in return I hope two change others! As a little one I always knew I was different! I always thought world I am social Steve ears hurt

[@andoryuu3]

Paul: thanks for sharing. Been really enjoying your recent videos, and unfortunately relationships tend to be a pain point for us on the spectrum. Something I thought of while considering open mindedness and non-negotables. At least a younger me would feel conflicted by these two subjects. Maybe because at first glance they seemed to be paradoxical(?) as many elements of social interactions seem to be. I can only speak for myself here however. My overactive mind can get too fixated on details (ironically this is also a strength when applied right). Btw: the "unhelpful" examples were great. Just beginning to get social again, so I'm sure I'll refer back to this from time to time. Thanks for sharing!

[@rosemaryflores4305]

This was super helpful

[@pres4954]

Great video for everyone! Thank you!

[@NidusFormicarum]

Okay, "really, really special", "love someone" - I am never there.

[@jacquelinewhittaker4651]

Very interesting point of view. I comment as a 70 year old married to one man for 50 years. ONE: I've changed greatly in those 50 years. It would have been difficult to see, 50 years ago, how external circumstances would impact me. TWO:. I didn't know what the non-negotiables were, until they were crossed. Nuture and nature give us an unspoken context. What do you think?

[@mammadingo9165]

I had no personal boundaries , I feared abandonment I had not defined myself let alone non negotiable s .. I crossed all my partner s boundaries and as you put it I saw the non negotiable after they were crossed.

[@walterdavies6434]

this video was well worth 12mins of my time

[@sawsanash8167]

I needed that. Thx

[@simon_patterson]

I think this is good advice.

[@mrfrozenplastic]

In my case, i'm not able to let things that doesn't fit with logic go. sometimes people would tell me how they feel about something that they feel i did and if i find it not quite reasonable i don't know how to continue with that conversation. I'm 27 Years old right now, and i have never been able to have a relationship that last longer than a few weeks, in my head it's to exhausting and i feel like i'm pretending all the time, until i get tired and start to be me, that's when it's completely over. It hurts because people think that i'm heartless, but i need love as much as anyone else, I just don't know how to express it. Sorry for the bad spelling, English is not my first lenguaje.

[@theredturtle4471]

First off, your English is amazing. And also, I'm brutally honest and overly logical, its really tough when other people say things that make no sense, it just hurts my brain, and when i try to elaborate, people just tell me im rude, thing is i know im probably on the spectrum, but ive found that a good way to deal with this is to live with the, what is today but yesterdays tommorow mindset. Theres a difference between not caring, and not caring if that makes sense. But to be honest, i still cant not correct people or not elaborate when they say something super illogical, it just causes to much mental strain in my brain doesnt like people having any false beliefs that are based on untrue things or ignorance. And being over logical you have the problem of not understanding a lot of things, like i don't *believe* in anything, i draw all my conclusions from science and facts, so that has some harsh side effects, but its just how my brain works.

[@mrfrozenplastic]

@@theredturtle4471 I UNDERSTAND, I recently had a "fight" (for me it was just stating facts but feelings got hurt) with a friend who believes in every conspiracy theory, even if they are contradicting themselves, i told him how silly that was, and well, for me it was just a conversation but didn't go well. Having said that, i try to do not express my thougts unless asked, cause well, uninvited oppinions are annoying as F*** i think, and everytime i feel confortable to analize certains situations i screw it. It messes with trust, i'm mostly silent all the time, nobody to talk to.

[@theredturtle4471]

@@mrfrozenplastic can relate

[@lottaaurell]

Find the person you can’t imagine life with out.

[@FeliciaShare]

Great break down Paul. 🌞

[@paigerusch850]

You mentioned before not to diagnose or tell your partner that you think that they may fall into this part of the spectrum. Is it ok to share a video like this with them? This seems to describe us and I want to work with him so that we understand each other and accept having these differences is ok and now that I understand more, I can work on how my behaviors affect him more. He has mentioned several times that he feels like he is on the spectrum. He has never sought out a diagnosis and I don't want him to feel like I am labeling him or making him feel different in any way. I realize that he isn't like other men I have dated who have done things that hurt me. He has never done anything that would, but I am someone with a history of abuse, anxiety, depression and loss. I am very sensitive and an over thinker and I know that not receiving the same emotional or empathetic reaction that I have has made me feel like he is intentionally trying to hurt me. You are helping me understand that he is not. Thx.

[@phenlism]

Hey Paige! I know it’s been a while since you commented this, but how is your relationship going? I’m in the same situation as you now where I can’t tell my partner I think he might be on the spectrum, but he definitely acts like he is. He can’t get diagnosed or get help due to his deep job in the govt (could get fired), so it’s really hard to work together. Edit: I’m also sensitive and an over thinker, but that’s also due to dealing with the same things you are/have dealt with (I’m in therapy now tho and medicated so I’m working on it).

[@misterrees-vn9ti]

This sounds a lot like my previous relationship. I recognize myself in your partner, in that I am not like other men and didn't want to hurt her. But it went toxic and now I am apparently and asshole who doesn't take responsibility for his actions. When she is the one who told me I am on the spectrum... I'm sorry I can't give any helpful advice, I just recognized this. I am myself also very sensitive and used to overthink. I luckily managed to let go of that and have a different perspective, where I try to consider thoughts and emotions like the weather passing by and not to take decisions or actions unless I am clear in my head and certain (I don't have much regrets in my personal life choices, so I consider myself lucky despite my struggles and can practice gratitude for the things I have). What helped me alot was actually certain people giving me the truth, and actually for a real perspective changer I used shrooms as psychedelic therapy. But you have to do a lot of preliminary research for that. I also use weed to remind me of different perspectives, which is much less intense than shrooms but works therapeutically for me too.

[@ithacacomments4811]

Issues for me in our relationship were.... we are both Aspies. Him not respecting boundaries....as in giving away my things because I don't need them. Him asking me to fudge tax returns....! Hide income. Him breaking laws.....as in shipping his father wine via USPS which is a felony! Him being unable to function as an employee thus no steady job. Him exhibiting road rage. Him running up his credit card balance to $30,000. Him professing to be spiritual but he is not. We divorced. We work better as friends.

[@Chris-mj3ql]

This was really helpful. Thank you!

[@Dfgbuiiyyyybb]

Is there a point when you need to self reflect and say “it’s possible that some of my expectations are not realistic?” And how do you do that? I realize that yes it’s my life I’m allowed to choose what I want but if the ultimate goal is to be in a relationship at some point do you have to reevaluate your own expectation. I’m not talking about with an existing partner but you yourself as a person?

[@GeorgeMakrides]

Very helpful. Thanks Paul

[@clairebearie87]

Lol funny question. I don't even meet anyone to have this question asked. Embracing singleness as nothing is coming my way and I'm ok with that

[@sokawai5]

6:41 YOOOO GUYS! (dont ask how old am i🤫) but i feel so smart after hearing this cause i thought of that as well like 4 days ago🤯

[@Stranded360]

Thank you for the advice.

[@motionmuse5684]

So frustrated by Him today I just wonder if I need to move on. Was fine all day and then it just seems like he takes me for granted constantly. I don't even know what to say to him so he will even understand my perspective.

[@mariasmith2188]

Hi Paul, I'm very much in love with an Aspie. This is my question to you Paul as an Aspie, are you able to feel love for a woman? Have you ever have the need to be with a woman for the rest of your life because you are so much in love with that woman that even you want to marry her?? Are you Paul as an Aspie capable of having those feelings? Do some Aspies uncapable of falling in love with a woman?

[@Princess-ef2ux]

They do fall in love, They have emotional blindness. They don’t feel like we feel when you hold their hand it’s not the same feeling we get when someone is holding our hand. girl you need to Google & do your homework

[@MrJObajobas]

Yes, just different compared to NT people. Basically Aspies want to spend their lives together, but not all the time together. Aspies need a lot of space usually, the amount varies from person to person, but Aspies can easily burn out from too much time together forming "she/he is bad for me, cause she/he makes me tired" mentality. I think if NT spouse can deal with this and not feel like it's bad for them it's possible for relationship to work.

[@AlterNature38]

I find that the more I think about it, the more non-negotiables I discover. There are dozens upon dozens of them. I don't believe this is conducive to finding a compatible partner. So why then, do I still desire a relationship?

[@christophersantos5312]

i wana have just a stable place that i know i can afford the rent have my 3 amazing children on the weekeneds like i always have and an amazing guy that wants to be tjere and not co stantly being asked if im ok or whats wrong i just want a lover and a special friend im trying to do that with a pretty cool guy but its just not clicking

[@peterwynn2169]

I have said that if I wanted to girlfriend she would have to be autistic, and my mother asks me why. The reason I offer up is this (Okay, I have a friend who is Catholic, who was told that she could only marry another Catholic, and I have had friends of other ethnicities who've been told that they could only marry someone of the same ethnicity. My grandfather, who was NOT a racist, used to warn me that kids could be cruel (don't I know that?!) if I entered a relationship with a non-European woman and had children) while I know that the reasons why some people marry within their own faith/ethnicity/linguistic group and whatever can be dominated by familial concerns or a desire for sameness (my grandfather wasn't racist, but he felt sorry for some kids who were mixed ethnicity but were shunned by both groupings (for example, Billy Liu, a man born to a Chinese father and an English mother, in Australia. Here, he was viewed as "Peril", but in China, he was viewed as a "Foreign Devil.")) mine would be also for cultural reasons. A neurotypical woman may not understand that I need my own space and that doesn't mean I don't love her, just that I get peopled out. One of my quirks, for want of a better term, is that being around people, generally, tires me out, but being around like minded people can be positive. For example, fellow autistics. I would also want to have a three bedroom place (one for her, one for me, one for sex) and have an area where I can sit and read or do something else I want to do. I hate spontaneity, so I would want sex to be pre-arranged (that wouldn't mean I'd want a sex slave; if she didn't feel like sex at one time, we wouldn't have it).

[@MariaNI-yf1bz]

Doesnt make sense. Since when is "european" all the same, or the same ethnicity?

[@hgzmatt]

If marrying someone with a different skin colour doesn't make you a better person.. how can the opposite make you a bad person? It's perfectly normal. Most people don't end up with exotic partners.

[@peterwynn2169]

I'm not saying that marrying someone with a different skin colour makes you a better person, and nor am I saying that the reverse makes you a bad person. What I'm saying is, if I wanted a girlfriend, she would have to be autistic so that we could better understand each other.

[@mammadingo9165]

Being able to talk about those things is key .

[@peterwynn2169]

@@mammadingo9165, yes.

[@ryantaintor9713]

With the diversity of the autism spectrum and potential stigma of non-autistic neurotypicals how does one with ASD compromise in a relationship or be able to make partner decisions based on their "non-negotiables" when they have limited ability to demonstrate social skills which further narrows any canidates for a potential partner in the first place? Thanks!

[@kamilaciechorska8460]

The point is how get into relationship if i can't read signs is someone interested or not... those signals are in some kinda of weird. i'm aspie and i never learned this kind of signalization

[@christophersantos5312]

im struggaling with this i have been working on getting diagnoised for 5 years about autism but i have kaiser and they dont help adults and miss diagnoised me as a child and young adult and then im also gay and thats been another struggle life is not easy at all

[@ICantFindPeaceOfMind]

Im looking for aspie girl btw 😃

[@NidusFormicarum]

The things you say at the end are intresting. First of all if you think not sharing the same household is "extreme" you must be really into the social expectations! Wow! I and my ex where very open towards each other. We wanted to do things together, but not restrict our personal lifes. I was planning for a several year long hiking trip for instance. Also, I am polyamorous. The thing is that I am also a relationship anarchist which mean I elevate my friendships to another status in a similar way that people look at being a couple. I blur the lines. So why didn't it work? Because of bad communication. Setting boundaries is a really good advice. "I feel hurt when you talk to me like that" (me) or "I feel like you are not giving me enough attention" (her) etc. Personally, I think it's how well you are able to have a rewarding conversation or socializing with each other that is the key. Being fit for each other is not so much about practical boundaries, but about having a suitable communication style and feeling good together. Sometimes you are just too different and when I say that I mean the way you communicate. Sometimes we forget to check if we work better together in another setting, like being in a gruop with strangers for instance. That CAN be part of a solution. Your everyday life at home does not HAVE to be your real life!! :-) What I want? To walk from town to town in Europe and attend language courses together. Do I restrict myself to this option? Of course not! I might want someone in another town to to cheat on their spouse with me for instance. There are so many options! :-) I am looking for a network - not just one single person to rely completely on.

[@mandaloolux9216]

Let me see if I understand you correctly, you said you might want a married person to cheat to be with you and you do that if you want because you don't limit yourself to Norms? What rubbish!! I imagine a twister spinning from town to town consuming and mucking everything up in it's path. Bad, Yes I think that is deplorable and terribly selfish. You sound like an exhausting little person, everything you wrote was exhausting to read.

[@surrenderinfaith]

This is gold ✨👌

[@Mandinka7495]

Thank you 🙏 you are the best

[@polyesterbebe]

for the algorithm

[@ianlawton7421]

Is the link for the PDF dead now?

[@kjamison5951]

I just avoid them. I was diagnosed a year ago and I haven’t been able to come to terms with it.

[@WingZeroSymphonics]

Thanks!

[@FeliciaShare]

This is a hard thing to face.

[@tedoymisojos]

Scary topic 😱

[@richardblackmore9351]

Honestly, there is no such thing as a "good fit" between an autistic man and an NT woman. It doesn't exist. You will constantly frustrate her with your moodiness, your random inability to understand her social cues, etc. It requires work, and a LOT of work. I keep a journal devoted to my wife (this wasn't my idea, I got it from David Finch) about everything from what turns her on, to how to handle fights, or avoid them completely. You have to learn how to live in her mind. And that is a hard thing to do. Learn her social cues. Learn how she communicates. Does she enjoy using words in tough situations, or does she prefer to save face and avoid them? When does she like sex? When does she initiate? How does she want you to initiate? What are her social pet peeves? You better know the answers to these questions. Your woman NEEDS to respect you. She needs this psychologically to function. The more you can do to be an independent human being, to put her first (hint: simplify your life so you can do this), the better your relationship will go.

[@contactlauralynn]

I attempted to communicate with you once long ago. How old are you?