How to Love an ANXIOUS Woman without Feeling Smothered

Are you struggling to navigate a relationship with an anxiously attached partner? In this insightful video, attachment specialist Adam Lane Smith delves deep into the dynamics of loving someone with anxious attachment and offers invaluable guidance for fostering a secure and fulfilling bond.
From understanding the root causes of anxious attachment to practical strategies for providing the support and reassurance your partner needs, Adam covers it all. He discusses the biochemical basis of anxious attachment, the impact of childhood experiences on adult relationships, and the importance of clear communication and boundaries.
Through Adam's expertise and compassionate approach, you'll gain essential insights into the inner workings of anxiously attached individuals and learn how to navigate challenges while nurturing a strong and resilient connection. Whether you're the partner of an anxiously attached person or seeking to support them in their journey towards security, this video provides invaluable knowledge and practical tips for building a healthier, more loving relationship.
Don't miss out on transforming your relationship into a source of profound joy and fulfillment. Watch now and embark on a journey towards deeper understanding, compassion, and love.
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give this other video a watch: • What Men With An Avoid...
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
www.amazon.com/dp/B07S33YGJZ
Connect with Adam on your second preferred platform:
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - Understanding Anxious Attachment
00:02:47 - Objectinpermanence and Emotional Impermanence
00:05:33 - The Anxiety of Abandonment
00:08:13 - The Role of Oxytocin and Gaba
00:10:55 - Consistency and Predictability in Relationships
00:13:37 - Creating Clarity and Safety in a Relationship
00:16:22 - The Importance of Giving Space in Relationships
00:19:06 - Joining the Attachment Circle Mentorship Program.
00:21:44 - Signs of an Anxious Partner
00:24:49 - You in that video

[@CIair_de_Iune]

The first night I spent with my avoidant partner I was taken aback by his reluctance to cuddle in bed, next time I told him "when you turn your back on me and sleep, I feel unloved and anxious" we then came to the conclusion that we can have small cuddling sessions where I get the love I need from him and then he can have his space afterwards and it has worked very well for both of us. I'm really glad that there is a world where an anxious woman and an avoidant man can have a relationship that is fulfilling and safe for both of them.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's wonderful to hear that you and your partner have found a mutually fulfilling way to navigate your different needs for closeness and space. Communication and compromise are key in any relationship, and it's heartening to see how you've both worked together to find a solution that works for both of you. Thank you for sharing your experience-it's sure to inspire others in similar situations.

[@caitstanley6392]

Sooooo this is why I’ve felt absolutely rejected when someone has turned their back on me like that! Wow.

[@Moonchild2488]

I am so impressed! I loved the example with sleeping. When I sleep alone, it takes me two hours to fall asleep. When I am near my boyfriend, I fall asleep in two minutes, even at day time!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to help. I'm glad to hear that this resonated with you!

[@NUCLEARMAMA1313]

1) Physical Affection 2) Clear & KIND communication 3) Quality Time in new experiences

[@jsav9979]

@@NUCLEARMAMA1313 🎯🎯🎯

[@kayyy.beeeee6173]

Secretly hoping he is watching this 😂

[@francleighscarlett]

I had the triple threat: absentee dad, mom with narc traits (warm when she needed praise, harsh and dismissive when I didn't live to her expectations and demands), and often left with my bi-polar grandmother as a babysitter. The object permanence example is a real feel. Even with friends sometimes there's eventually a plateau of my patience in not hearing from someone where I'll wonder "did I do something wrong?" We've recently transitioned to a one call a week system (i know it sounds like not a lot to some, but we're ldr with a time difference and demanding jobs), and so far so good. I haven't felt anxiety in weeks once we worked out some details we both could live with

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm happy to hear you've found a system that works for you and your friends. Have you been able to communicate your needs effectively and openly?

[@francleighscarlett]

@AttachmentAdam A mixed bag. I'm not always anxious, it's relational to time known, past history, relationship importance. As you might be able to tell, I do have a problem being succinct in my written communication though. I find boundaries hardest with my family, but not so much from fear as I think they're just used to the person before I started working on my anxiety. i wasn't so clear who the system was for which is my partner. We were close friends for 13 years before we agreed to date, but as soon as we did the push pull thing started. I took the initiative to back off, even though that was hard as the anxious partner, on the theory if I stopped trying to control everything it'd give us more space to miss one another and have better conversations that weren't just to feed my moods or fill airspace. I think I was just trying to agree that anxious types can be off-putting and that isn't always attractive. Once I let go of the wheel and trusted my partner, I hear from him pretty regularly. What I discovered is controlling things actually made me more anxious. It's sort of like you can't trust even if they reassure you, because you always feel you bullied them into it. I haven't been anxious once I let go of that and he consistently showed up.

[@caitstanley6392]

Ohmygoodlord I’ve never felt so seen. Literally was almost in tears because this also explains my anxiety in other areas too. It’s so clear & to the heart. Like wow, we aren’t fucked up, we just survived childhood and/or other terrifying experiences. It’s been awful to live like this and feel like I’m so “needy” or wish I could just not worry about being cheated on or left all the time. When it’s simply how I learned to adapt. I’ve already been on a journey to secure attachment, but wow, I wish I would have found this sooner. It should be in the SCHOOLS! All of attachment styles, etc. thank you.

[@caitstanley6392]

Like literally afraid of DEATH-you briefly mentioned that. And my anxiety had gotten to the point where it went directly to death. Or my fear that they’ve died. Not just in romantic partnership but with my parents

[@hspinnovators5516]

Also just to note, if a couple is not aware of attachment theory it's common for an anxious person to be angry and confused and an Avoidant to be....well immature? Indirect hot/cold. For avoiding men reading this, if she was angry in the past it's because there was no label or understanding. Once understood this makes the anger evaporate....given the avoidant equally does the work.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Totally agree. Understanding each other's attachment styles goes a long way in building a stronger, more fulfilling connection together, along with also doing the work to fix any issues. When and how did you personally become aware about attachment theory?

[@mokshalani8414]

YES! It's crazy that a full on FREAK OUT can completely evaporate in a matter of *seconds* when we simply understand the core context behind the "problem" It makes sense when you consider that anxiety is the nervous system requesting/urging for more information about uncertain (& therefore potentially dangerous/fatal) circumstances, but any time I apologize for my behavior & try to explain this to anyone who witnessed this radical switch in my mood, they usually just don't get it. Whip lash!

[@janosd4nuke]

​@@mokshalani8414 you seem like highly anxious and intelligent/informed. I imagine trying to explain it to someone very far from the topic is quite an ordeal. If they are too calm, they may act dismissive, and you feel invalidated. If they are anxious too but lack the perspective they might throw a tantrum. This was my situation. No matter how much I tried to validate my partner before explaining logically, she remained worked up and I got soo exhausted. She felt her emotions more intensely therefore she was right and I don't understand -.-"" TEXTWALL WARNING! Sorry for trauma dumping, but it's more like the hype of figuring it out and getting over it and hopefully an inspirational story 😅 Funny how my attachment shifted all over the place. Divorced parents (was 9 then, I'm 32 now) Very anxious mom (prob even borderline at some stages) with her avoidant mom (grandad died just around my birth) and avoidant dad, we lived with granny until I was 5, so messy from the start. Then got an avoidant step-mom. That resulted in disorganized attachment with very anxious leaning on my end. I often joke on paper I have 2 moms and one dad, but in reality I only had one bad dad who was my step-mom. And I turned to be the step-dad of my own biological mom during university years. My attachment and lack of social skills in general started to heal massively a year after my first major relationship around 22. She is a phenomenon. We were never meant to be, but needed that love back then. We were together for a year, I couldn't let her go... she kept in touch with me... we had a very turbulent year, until I accepted what she understood already when she dumped me. She is my best friend ever since, I want the best for her but never again want to get together with he. The moment I stood up from that breakup and adapted a general growth mindset not just limited to studies/career but social skills and everything and gained healthy confidence I became a man instead of a shy boy. With my troubled situation with dad, that ex turned best fried is probably the person I have the strongest vessopressin bond with XD I curated a healthy list of online male role models since so got those shortcomings covered too. Now my last relationship was a 5 year long commitment with a very sweet and veeery anxiously attached woman. She swung me to full avoidant over the years. Started like heaven, became hell for the last 2 years. I only came across Borderline Personality Disorder, then attachment theory at the end of the rabbit hole in the last year or so. We already had too much baggage once I began to understand the tools to fix us. With my exhaustion and feeling of powerlessness and her general lack of confidence and pretty high resentment at that point it was too late to fix it. Single and happy for 3 months, still unpacking what just happened. Putting the dead routines of my life back into operating condition and pushing them to the next level. Being on both the avoidant and the anxious side of the cycle in a major relationship then stumbling accross Adam was a hell of a journey. It also launched me on a path to heal a generational trauma in my family. Just got into a situationship with a colleague two weeks ago whom I platonically admired for over a year and occasionally chatted with. She is so caring, so strong... starving for love but erected so many walls. Not exactly my predicament, but a disorganized attachment with alcoholic father and deep trauma. Figured out the rough outlines of her system veeery quickly. I surprised myself a lot. Attachment theory is a third eye for relationship skills I swear. Still a lot to learn and implement but it's going to be great. She needs to see that I can be an asset for her safety, not another risk to managed then keep putting in work, which is already fun and comes natural at this stage. Intense bursts of very cuddly periods and chance to be alone and have space together. Showing off our projects to each other and tackling other ones completely as a team. I feel like this rhythm comes naturally to me, still no reason to neglect direct communication but a sign of good compatibility. All this mess lead up to this like destiny. Now hold frame and I can get into something amazing by giving her value :3 It's still early so if I misjudged something, it's not the end of the world. I keep getting better by the day. Value based decisions, honesty and hard work, then everything will happen as it should ('amor fati') . Even if not the dream relationship I'm projecting ahead, I'm confident she will get value out of this tango. Also I'm working on something called "resecured hyperthreadded attachment" basically as a nerd this is just my self-motivating marketing slogan for working on myself in this field. Meaning as someone who had an all-over the place disorganized attachment. When I can get to secure the experiences and coping mechanisms from that insecure freestyle era are a hell of an asset for empathy and meaningful help&bonding for the people around me. As my biggest father figure, Patrick Bet-David says: "Future Looks Bright"

[@Pptsonyt8553]

AP here and I can totally understand the, if you can't see it (love/affection) it's literally gone, and I start to panic lol

[@bublok]

Healing ethical avoidant here. If only this material was around 3 years ago... would've saved me and my anxious ex from a lot of mutually caused harm, and saved our relationship in itself. I know that things tend to come in due time, yet this still hurts nevertheless.

[@Not_a_witch]

Why not call her?

[@Frengladeutschgirl]

Recovering fearful avoidant woman here... I've been circling your content for a while, just like you say we do. 😂 Thank you so much for this advice Adam, there is SO little content for avoidant people out there about how to love more anxiously attached people. It makes the journey to security that much more challenging and I was starting to feel like the villain, so when I find the rare people who actually talk about this stuff, it's such a breath of fresh air - demonstrated here by me latching onto a video for avoidant men, just to get something!! Thanks again 😊 If you make more content for avoidant women I would definitely be keen to watch!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad you found my content helpful and I completely understand your frustration. Fearful avoidant women often have a harder time finding relatable content. It's fantastic that you're taking steps towards secure attachment though, and you're definitely not the villain. I encourage you to stay tuned for upcoming content on this specific topic!

[@christalcicero3041]

Thank you for this video! Love the reminders for those of us who lean more anxious so i can continue to work to move to more secure.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely. You got this. Which part of this video was the most helpful?

[@kaysharenee]

I literally cannot even describe how much I love your content. I have been looking for someone like you that can just describe this as simple and unbiased and how you do not blame or shame anyone. There is some humor in it too, which is great. I love this!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much! Your support means the world to me. I'm glad you appreciate the simplicity and lack of judgment in my approach. And hey, a little humor never hurts, right? Keep enjoying the content! 😊

[@Jonathan-cz1ll]

So thankful I heard you on mindpump!

[@caraalex7880]

Loving your content!! Loving watching your audience grow!! 💜💜 -From Canada

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks so much, I really appreciate your support and feedback!

[@susanlopatin5853]

When you mentioned anxious women are toxic for avoidant men, I imagine it goes both ways and avoidant men are also toxic for anxious women. However, I read somewhere (cant remember where now of course) that an anxious woman can be a blessing to an avoidant man because she challenges him to open up and connect, etc.. and of course trying to take accountability here, I'd imagine the same is true for anxiously attached being with an avoidant can perhaps learn from their self sufficiencies. Though it seems rare to make this match work well together and have both parties giving their all to the pursiit of secure attachment at the same time. Especially with how toxic this pair can be. Do you have a video that speaks about anx woman and avo man becoming secure together? Somewhat of a mutual accountability guide if you will.. Sometimes I feel like our culture perpetuates working though this stuff alone but then they get back into relationships and make the same mistakes all over again. Some things need to be done as a couple in terms of relating too, no? Thanks for the content! Really finding it helpful on my journey to healthier attachment. 🙏🙌

[@awsambdaman]

Going through this with my wife now. She definitely helped me learn to trust and be vulnerable. Unfortunately now I’m feeling smothered and feel like I can’t tell her anything without her being upset. We spend entire days arguing. I want to stay with her and love her but it’s so hard to be gentle with her when she can’t respect my need for space. Hopefully I can have the same effect on her that she’s had on me and we can both move to a more secure attachment style

[@athomewiththemrs9410]

@@awsambdaman I’m an anxious attachment. My husband is a bit of an avoidant attachment, which means he loves to be left alone. My husband a few years ago told me that he needed them space to re-energize from work and after that he’s able to give me his full on attention. It helped a lot. Hopefully this helps you!

[@avrilduck8326]

This was super helpful.

[@clairefoxall2313]

Wow love how easily you open up communication between us with great questions 🤩🤩 amazing.

[@AttachmentAdam]

So glad to hear that, thanks!🤗

[@jencrews]

This is so helpful. I have much more understanding about my avoidant side, so wow did this clarify some things. I would love to see a video specifically about loving a woman with disorganized attachment. I feel like there’s some unique things that happen because my avoidant coping mechanisms keep the anxious coping mechanisms in some ways - it’s like fire and ice.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad to hear that you found the content helpful. Thank you for sharing your insight!

[@hannahviolet927]

My bf is the anxious one and I'm the avoidant lol can you make a video on anxiously attached men?

[@RyanMcDonnough]

15:33 I think you mean “anxious”, not “avoidant” Also…I wish I had seen this video several months ago. It could’ve saved my relationship with a truly wonderful anxiously-attached woman.

[@Peaceout4337]

Months is all? It’s still fixable. Go try. ☺️

[@RyanMcDonnough]

@@Peaceout4337 I would love to try. I want nothing more than for us to try. I love and adore her more than I ever realized now that I’m finally figuring out who I am (avoidant) and who she is (anxious) and what that means for both of us going forward. I want to help us both become secure…more than *anything*. But she gave-up on going to therapy together and gave-up on us. I’m not sure if she is ready to do the work that is necessary. I don’t know if she can let go of her resentments like I have. It breaks my heart. I hope that she’ll come around. But, for now, she’s keeping a lot of distance between us and I’ll have to do my work alone.

[@hspinnovators5516]

​@@RyanMcDonnoughtell her all of this if you've changed and are doing the work. The pain is unbelievably immense as an anxious attacher

[@RyanMcDonnough]

@@hspinnovators5516 I’m changing and I’m doing the work. Reading “Attached”, watching content like this channel, going to therapy, etc. I have told her all of what I typed earlier. She seems to not care and is keeping distance between us. She stopped going to therapy. I had a copy of “Attached” sent to her so that we can both read it and she seemed to appreciate the gesture. But, otherwise, she seems to have given up on us. I hope that I’m wrong. Even if we were to only be friends afterwards, I’d like nothing more than for both of us to become secure. We’re both good people and deserve it.

[@Peaceout4337]

@@RyanMcDonnough my avoidant came back - actually we split several times- but he always comes back and I’ve learned to be more secure. This is the longest we’ve been together and videos like this is helping us both. The longer you wait, the harder it is for her. If you don’t try/ it’s an automatic NO. Give it a shot and tell her these things, especially your concerns. I’m so glad mine did. 😊

[@LaUwa-dt5lu]

I love this video, I'm a mix of avoidant and anxious, don't know how its possible, but its like that 😅

[@edithamaliaioo2228]

You are fearful avoidant or dizorganized attachment

[@LaUwa-dt5lu]

@@edithamaliaioo2228 ok, thank you

[@aurelienyonrac]

I you avoid your anxiety then you are anxious avoidant. Both have identical origin story. So they trauma bond. Give give give to be safe. Then it fails they say f that I will make myself safe. From axious to avoidant. I will use objects to be okay Then you go towards narcissism. You overcome your problem. People are problem you overcomepeople. Next is rape murder, psychopath and it goes down. At any moment we can say, this is not working for me, my familly, the world : i need help.😊

[@SkyBlue-bs7uj]

So True explanation Sir I am absolutely agree with your knowledge, because after being 8 years in relationship with avoidient person I asked the my needs, but he did nit git and after all investments, energy, feeling, love, gifts and greate things I did to him I drained and felt empty, alone and nit seen, heared and nit seen. Than I broked up for 3 months for ever and finished everything even if I loved him alot. I tought that relationship had not met my needs and what I desired. Unfortunately how many people suffering and going through all these difficulties due to 2 people dont get each other I wished we fixed, but now is over.... I feel being alone for ever is better that to be in unhealthy and unfilfuled relationships now I just love to learn me more, heal and take care of my heart from dishonest people

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you faced in your relationship with an avoidant partner. What are some ways you're focusing on self-care and personal growth during this healing process? If you ever need guidance on this path, please feel free to reach out to me at [e-mail]

[@SkyBlue-bs7uj]

@@AttachmentAdam Thank you sir, I am working on me and my healing process, same time listening to your lessons and other teachers, mentors lets see where life shall be guiding in next chapter of my life. I lost 3 decades of my life got nothing results with those avoident, people. Hope for a better future. I was thinking to take your course, just at the moment not possible perhaps in the future with regards

[@casey.b8821]

I cried the entire video. Guess I know what attachment style I have.😢😮😅😢

[@AttachmentAdam]

What part of the video made you feel the need to cry? Recognizing your attachment style is a powerful first step towards personal growth and healthier relationships. Please feel free to reach out to me through [e-mail] if you need any help or support.

[@casey.b8821]

@adamlanesmith. The entire video. I think it was just the realization

[@hannahviolet927]

How can I help my bf who has anxious attachment? There's really a stigma about woman being the anxious people and men being the avoidant.

[@Lily-RoseBorgne]

Too late here my DA-leaning bf left me while i was in an anxious craze asking for too much attention and he felt overwhelmed ... now convinced we were not meant for each other. I asked for space to grow but he feared i would be even more anxious ... I wished i had listened to my gut when he wouldn't tell me abt his feelings and thoughts and have taken things under my own control :(

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your experience. It seems like your clashing attachment styles made it hard to foster a healthy relationship dynamic. What would you do differently in the future?

[@mokshalani8414]

I'm deeply thankful for this video & the one about avoidant women, ESPECIALLY the neurochemistry angle; what doesn't bring humility/growth lends much needed validation, & all of it is so actionable, thank you! I have a few more questions: Will you be doing a video on disorganized attachment in women soon? As a disorganized lady (in more than one way, ha) sometimes it's really hard to piece together when I need what: more space to myself and/or more context from others. I do know that it's hormonally cyclical, at least for me, but it's not cut & dry, & cortisol suppression from birth control may also be skewing the already dismal pattern. I would love to know more how these 2 attachment polarities "dance," especially neurochemically Also, sometimes when you're talking about dealing with someone with an insecure attachment, I momentarily forget you're talking about handling adults! You talk a lot about fixing attachment for romantic relationship goals, and with lots of context from the source (one's childhood)... But I'm a deeply avoidant parent & I know my toddlers can FEEL that. I DO NOT want to pass that on, and yet I need soooo much space from them... The shame attached is incredible & horrible, especially when you witness the real time effects. Could we work in the other direction & have the same/similar content, but in language that is actionable for *insecurely attached parents* who are on their way to fixing their attachment, but aren't quite there yet & need some pointers to mitigate/manage the damage along the way? A guest speaker on the topic would also be of very deep interest

[@utaka78]

Can it be,that avoidant and anxiessly attached is deep down the same energy?!? Seems like the guy i‘m in a situationship and me have both in us and we take turns playing it out🤔when i distant myself when he‘s to busy he needs reasurance that everythings okay…and iff i feel weird vibes i need reasurance as well…..confusing

[@aamu2955]

100% for my anxious. AV are like a drug. now working on my side

[@AttachmentAdam]

Appreciate your honesty! What's been the most challenging part for you?

[@nomansland6376]

Yeah.. she needed me to accept her unconditional unilateral decisions while she committed work comp fraud, her son wrecked cars (no job, drinking and getting high with underage kids when he was 21.. just found out he’s now in prison for molesting his young niece), while her daughter lied to get a car and refused to get a job as promised to help pay for it, then her daughter went out of state to a college in NYC with a $70,000/yr tuition etc cost. Avoidant doesn’t begin to explain where I am now. I just have no room for people anymore. It’s stupid out there and I trust no one. Tried dating again, and every woman is similar. Divorced having taken their ex for everything they can get and laughing as if I want to be next in line. Kids getting drug through the mud and they think any man can play dad, as if their kids are dolls. They’re in it for free meals and to get someone to pay for their mistakes with no accountability.. yeah, I gave up trying.. and it’s only getting worse out there.

[@kstev7]

is it normal for an anxious to never apologize or even recognize in the slightest the mental anguish they cause you? to act *extremely* unkind, manipulative, exploitative and say the meanest things with an expectation of godlike perfection from her partner? (me) like you say they act nice and not kind. not even morally "good", but SO self-righteous and critical. she could be so sweet though. it felt like it was all an act. attachment theory sometimes leads me to think it was my fault she was so awful to me.

[@Nethemas]

I have an anxious wife as well. She wouldn't know accountability nor self-awareness if it bit her in the face. I expect it's part of her defense against her ever present lack of self-worth. Thanks to her awful parents her self-esteem is non-existent, she constantly thinks everyone is looking down on her. She receives anyone trying to teach or explain how something could be done differently for a better outcome as insults and harsh criticism. In general though, I've come to learn that most women are more focused on your emotional reaction to a circumstance than they are on the details that created it. It's a rare woman that will own their part in a circumstance.

[@therealtimray]

Too many damn commercials