How to Love Someone With an Anxious Attachment Style

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Are you in a relationship with someone who exhibits anxious attachment? It can manifest in many ways: constant seeking of approval, low self-esteem, and an overwhelming fear of abandonment. As much as you care for them and want to provide the love and reassurance they need, it can sometimes feel like a never-ending cycle. You might even feel a bit smothered or drained, despite your best intentions. In this video, I'll help you navigate these challenges and understand the specific needs of your anxious partner.
Hi, I’m Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist with over 15 years of experience helping couples thrive. Anxiously attached partners require a unique set of emotional supports and reassurances. When these needs aren't met, they might seem insatiable or overly dependent, leading to frustration for both of you. However, when you learn how to effectively meet these needs, your relationship can transform into a more peaceful and fulfilling space for both parties. I'll explain the brain chemistry and attachment patterns behind their behavior, and share strategies to help you both feel more secure and less drained.
In this video, you'll learn practical steps to provide the right kind of support to your anxiously attached partner, making your relationship stronger and more balanced. I'll cover how to meet their needs without feeling overwhelmed and guide you on when it might be necessary to reassess the relationship for your well-being. By understanding and addressing these attachment styles, you can foster a deeper, more stable connection. Let's dive into this journey of love and understanding together.
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - Understanding Anxiously Attached Partners
00:03:13 - The Formation of Anxious Attachment
00:06:21 - The Fear of Abandonment
00:09:27 - Coercive Soothing and Avoidant Attachment Style
00:12:31 - Anxious Attachment and its Impact on Relationships
00:15:42 - Meeting the Needs of Anxiously Attached Partners
00:18:36 - Open Communication and Expectations
00:21:32 - Setting Clear Expectations
00:24:30 - Building Self-Respect and Fulfilling Friendships
00:27:28 - Understanding Attachment Styles

[@yanamclaughlin1644]

Omg... Your impression of the panic cycle w/ breathing sounds 😂😂

[@jenniferjamison-lq9vn]

An avoidant partner will create an anxious partner who was initially secure. Secure people even scare avoidants. You don’t need to be anxious. You can be completely normal and your normal expectations will scare them!

[@shaneaudinett8464]

This is an over-simplification. I disagree that a secure partner will become anxious with an avoidant partner. If they are secure, they would recognise the unhealthy patterns of the avoidant and act accordingly, try to solve the problem in a healthy way or leave if no signs of self reflection and motiviation to change on the part of the avoidant. An avoidant partner could make an anxious partner more anxious however...

[@SeventimesLighter]

@@jenniferjamison-lq9vn just take the lessons and please stop looking for more triggers. As an overly anxious person I truly believe we need to detach from our own overthinking minds and just BE willing to take the shame and anything negative just to come out of being this way. He’s giving the best tips and they’re working so well for me. Please help yourself 💜

[@cecilang9721]

Adam is 100 percent. I’m anxious and avoidant. I’m with a dismissive avoidant. His tips and advice are spot on. If you don’t do the upfront thing right away, you will suffer a lot more. Do it before you invest years. Do it after the first few months and realize it might end the relationship. Recognize all relationships end. But if your partner won’t work with you early, it does NOT get better.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Great advice! Recognizing and addressing issues early in a relationship is crucial. Thank you for sharing your insights and reinforcing the importance of early communication.

[@marcushanson6352]

I dare say two/thirds of the women I have dated have been anxious. One was probably one of those toxic people who think they’re beyond reproach. Before I heard of attachment theory I bore such resentment towards them. Now that I understand it has allowed me to let go of that anger. The peace it gives is truly priceless. I urge you all to watch for self reflection, not just validation.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's incredible to hear how understanding attachment theory has brought you peace. Self-reflection can indeed be transformative. Thank you for encouraging others to seek it too!

[@dvegas]

Us anxious folks do need reassurance and we appreciate it so much. However, sometimes I feel that’s been used against me in a flippant manner where I’ve been called “annoying”, “a pest”,or “too much”, instead of just having a conversation. I’ve even been told to “stop laughing!!” Or I get the classic eye 👁️ roll and dirty look 👀. I don’t know if any other anxious person can relate, but being insulted by a different attachment type is only going to make us upset.

[@cuteziyanta1473]

Yep. Had happened exactly what you have mentioned. It’s so hurtful.

[@jdprettynails]

I’m constantly told I’m too loud everytime I relax and start having fun

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences. It's crucial to find people who respect and understand your needs. You deserve open and kind communication, not dismissal or insults. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

[@lilliadawn166]

Yup. I'm told that I'm crazy and too sensitive all the time. I've been as calm and straight forward with open communication as possible and he'll start calling it yelling (just to try and provoke an argument). It circles around to how you described and no problem ever gets solved. Mine likes to turn things around where my perception is the problem and not the problem itself then I somehow apologize in the end. I hope someone comments on your post with a solution to what you described and I'm following too. :)

[@dvegas]

@@lilliadawn166 Thank you for sharing. I’ve also dated men who instigated me getting upset because they thought it was funny. I really wish we had a solution too 😊

[@GodHelpMe369]

If you're avoidant, you most likely have said to family members - who had a major role in your childhood: "You only accepted me or liked me when I was happy/obedient/emotionless." This one simple statement fits with ALL the core symptoms of avoidant attachment: 1. Being overly self-reliant (and in doing so, you hide your needs, emotions, problems, and acute illnesses) 2. Pushing down anger until it explodes and manufactures the boundaries you crave but can't always ask for 3. Not wanting to burden others with your problems 4. Wanting to fix your own issues to avoid looking incompetent or even getting bullied and teased/mocked 5. Numbing out emotions with self-soothing behaviors that are either totally unhealthy or pseudo-healthy (like getting addicted to working out and healthy eating) Remember ALWAYS this process is all about YOU!!! Not him. He is just a catalyst. Consider, he may be your twin flame. Look into that. After he initiated your trauma, you're now left to deal with and to heal: all that has come to the surface. GOOD! This is a blessing. Albeit painful. A necessary blessing, nonetheless. HUGE-HUGE gift! Major advice!!! Listen closely!!! NEVER ever CHASE HIM. He will run further and you will lose yourself more. You are the feminine. You are the divine goddess. You just be and approve (or disapprove) whoever comes along. It's a yes: you meet my requirements, or: it's a no, you do not. Be clear on whom you're accepting as a partner and DO NOT settle for less (or you just delay what's meant for you). Accept your struggle, anxiety, fear, sadness. Whatever comes up. It's all human, and in need of your attention. If you push it away, block it, or run from it... You will just have to deal with it later... 1) Put yourself first and foremost! 2) Fall in love with yourself. Be your own dream girl. Glow up and level up. Be the best version of yourself. 3) Rejection is redirection. Embrace the energies of miraculous possibilities. And, Any time you have a painful thought/memory/flashback/worry/belief: 1. Find the belief... 2. Write 11 DISADVANTAGES to having the belief 3. Write 11 ADVANTAGES to having the belief If you can NOT find the advantages then that’s EXACTLY why you're stuck!! When you finally see both sides... Your mind will STOP thinking about it 'cause your brain will be rewired. So you gotta keep at it, until you find the positive to the negative... And therefore, ultimately rewire your brain! AND REMEMBER: STOP making it all about manifestation when really, it's actually all about VIBRATION!

[@YWH723]

To any men watching, take Adam‘s videos seriously, learn from this man. Do You want to know what women want? Adam understands, LISTEN TO HIM! Men think that having a perfect body is what makes a woman want you, 🙄 but if you watch what chick flicks capitalize on…. Adam has the answers for you guys! Pay attention.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for the strong endorsement! I'm glad you find the videos helpful. It's true, understanding emotional needs and dynamics is key in relationships, not just physical appearance. Appreciate your support!

[@crystalnelson314]

Can you make a video on healthy expectations in relationships? Freaking out after minutes is different from after days or months.

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's a great suggestion! I'll definitely consider making a video on this. Stay tuned!

[@crystalnelson314]

@@AttachmentAdam thank you!

[@sophiebertrand6188]

😂I just discovered I’ve always been an anxiously attached person. Gosh I really laughed at your examples, I totally relate to the behaviour! I was happily married to an avoidantly attached older man (gee I just realized that too!! 😂). This man was the love of my life. He passed away last year. I can’t begin to say how much I miss him. We just connected in the most natural way. I think we knew we were healing together (we each came from a past horrible marriage). The odds were against us when I think of it. Love makes miracles.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your touching story. It's beautiful to hear how love and mutual understanding can heal and connect deeply. Wishing you continued healing and fond memories of your husband.

[@user-tb8ex1sp3h]

The way you talk about anxious vs avoident is massively different. You seem to have forgiveness and understanding towards avoidents more so and a bit of icky towards anxious. Like avoidents are worth love no matter what, but if an anxious can't change they need to be left. I have watched many of your videos to better understand my relationship, and this is just what I have observed.

[@76sirg]

I was about to write exactly the same. So clear. I'm an anxious, aware of it, working on myself. My wife is a block of concrete/ice, avoidant blameing me for everything, nothing to work on her. I am sick of it. I would divorce her now but I can't live without my 3 kids.

[@temptaytion]

It's probably because he's trying to be different and see the other angle as the majority of content out there only speak I'll of DAs and tells us APs that we're the best for working on ourselves. Lol

[@AttachmentAdam]

Both anxious and avoidant attachment styles come with their own challenges and deserve compassion and understanding. What has made you reach this observation?

[@madrugada1986]

Well, maybe because anxious expects something from others while avoidants only rely on themselves. Like: Here's all my feelings, it's now your responsibility! I'm anxious too by the way (or so it seems after I met an avoidant) and I have met men who seemed so chill in the beginning, but when I wanted to break up they would not respect that, and that made me so mad. So I understand why avoidant people get fed up/feel smothered. Not to say that they should not take responsibility for things that involves their partner, of course, but in my opinion I think, in many cases, anxious people are more toxic.

[@YamileYemoonyah]

He literally mentions 4 times that anxious people can be the most loving, supportive, and amazing partners. That’s about once every 9 minutes. How much more often does he need to say it for you to realize that he does not think you’re worthless and that, indeed, this whole video is about helping you feel more loved in your relationships?

[@hatingharvey]

Recovering anxiously attached person here to say thank you! Your videos have helped me tremendously to understand my patterns and systems and work to update them to a way that serves me and my family. I am grateful for your no hold barred depiction of anxiously attached persons- an approach of only sympathy or coddling has only made my patterns exaggerated. Thank you for all you do.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

I love this comment. ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I'm glad my videos have been helpful in your journey. Keep up the great work on updating those patterns for yourself and your family!

[@susanclaire901]

As another commenter wrote, " I am not endlessly sad, unhappy or have low self esteem." I am overall pretty happy with good self-esteem. My anxious attachment style comes from previous partners who have LIED to and misled me. I'm dating a great guy right now but it's scary because I keep wondering if he's lying to me too!

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's completely understandable to feel anxious about trust after experiencing dishonesty in past relationships. It’s great to hear that you have good self-esteem and are generally happy. Here are a few steps that might help: 1. Communicate your concerns honestly and calmly 2. Look for consistency in actions 3. Allow trust to build naturally without rushing it

[@kaitlin8669]

The vast majority of avoidants that I know that I asked about when they will call back usually replied "I don't know I might call tomorrow I might call never. Freedom is important to me". Yeah try telling that to your boss and or clients or the bank that handles your mortgage and credit card payments. Let's see how they respond to that. I tried to make it work but a response like that, but guys who give that response usually end up being sociopaths and there is no way to work with them. Just run if he gives you that response.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your experience. It can be incredibly challenging to navigate relationships with avoidants who have a strong need for freedom. How have you managed to find a balance or decide when it's time to move on from such situations?

[@abigailcosta1716]

You have described my husband PERFECTLY with the Anxious Attachment and "Nice Guy Syndrome". Like from the beginning to the end of the video, it was 100% my husband. Often times, I would do exactly what you said and "demand" that he'd tell me his needs, but it would always be: "I don't need anything, you're perfect." But then that wouldn't be the case, as I sensed him silent and apparently resentful over something. As the more Avoidant one in the relationship, this video was very important for showing me what to do and how to help him👏👏👏

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's great to hear that the video resonated with you and provided valuable insights! Understanding each other's attachment styles can be challenging, but it sounds like you're taking important steps to improve your relationship. Thanks for sharing your experience! 🌟

[@healing_wholeness3998]

I’m an Anxious attachment and this is a little exaggerated. I am not endlessly sad, unhappy or have low self esteem. Some people have developed healthy emotional regulation and doesn’t look the same for everyone

[@AttachmentAdam]

I don't disagree. Anxious attachment doesn't look the same for everyone, and many people with this attachment style have developed healthy emotional regulation. This video addresses the more common parts of anxious attachment and how it shows up in relationships. Does this make sense?

[@samanthajday]

I lean anxious, certainly not to the extent Adam describes, but it’s definitely the root cause / feelings / emotions. I’m more days / weeks than minutes and hours. For me it’s the “elephant in the room”, I can handle almost anything if it’s communicated, but if I can sense it, then told it doesn’t exits (it does, they are just avoiding perceived conflict) that will trigger my insecurities. And that’s when it can get messy. Sometimes just a No, can be more stabilizing than the hope that comes with a Maybe.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

He actually said not all anxious attachments are the same. But this is very much what a lot of us see. I have AP friends and they have a happy persona and do all the things to seem happy, but they do this to cover their low self esteem.

[@sunshinefine1886]

I’m sitting in my car crying my eyes out right now. I didn’t even know how I became this way but everything you said about how we believe we aren’t worthy of love it just hit me and really resonated with me. 😭 I’m not a horrible person, I’m just terrified that people I love won’t want me if I’m not putting on the most perfect performance of my life at all times.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm sorry and I hear you. It can be incredibly exhausting though, can't it? What could help you increase your self-esteem and self-worth?

[@monthc]

Dude the timing of this video was perfect. I needed this precisely today. Thank you. Huge help.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad the timing worked out perfectly for you! What part of the video resonated with you the most?

[@mywonderfulname]

I'm so thankful that you and your channel exist. You help me put in words so many things I feel inside and haven't been able to express. I have so much motivation do get better and fix my anxious attachement style cause I know my value but I get stuck and lost in habits, fears and repetitive patterns and create a mess. You de-zoom and make things clear so I can follow the way to her better. Thank you !

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad the channel has been helpful for you. It's fantastic that you're motivated to work on your attachment style and recognize your value. Remember, progress takes time, and it's okay to stumble along the way. What has been the most helpful advice or insight you've gained so far?

[@nicolasmoreno9442]

Thank you for this video and all your amazing contribution, either in your 'I wish you were' podcast and your channel since its inception. Us anxious attached men usually are the forgotten ones and need someone like you that gives hope and direction. It's too late for me, I have poured so much me into draining relationships with women and improving myself to become the best version of myself only to find out it will never be enough for any women since they take everything I do or I have achieved for granted and only reacted with 'meh' and 'its the bare minimum'. I don't have any more energy left, I am running of reserve and decided to keep me to myself and my friends and since then life has been much better! If only I had found you 10 years ago! But there are younger men out there who are still worth saving and your work is invaluable. Thank you Adam!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your heartfelt message. I'm glad my work has had a positive impact on you. It is never too late! Remember, your journey and growth are valuable, and taking time for yourself can be incredibly healing.

[@kaitlin8669]

I recomend learning about and watching movies about hermits if you are anxious. Running and meditation help a ton. Join a dance class, take one intellectual class, and one artistic hobby to meet lots of friends of the same sex. Also send out birthday cards to all of your friends and family. Video games helped a ton. I was an avoidant before being thrown hot and cold by another DA. I got an overwhelming explosion of confusion and feelings from him. He constantly neg then went hot and cold. I finally got free of him by rebelling against him by setting goals to be late to meet him. First only 5 minutes, then 10, then 15 and then standing him up. I would celebrate each successful rebellion. Was it mean to stand him up yeah but he was probably happy I didn't show up. He stood me up all the time so i didnt feel bad. These little victories helped me to escape the addiction and leave him alone. I also moved to an area were the people were not so crazy and more nice and where there were more activities. I never made the mistake of getting so attached to a man again. Once, a guy knows you like him, he will really try to exploit it and try to push buttons.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your story and the strategies that helped you. It sounds like you've found effective ways to regain your independence and strength. How have these changes impacted your life and relationships now?

[@yknowwhatcrys4791]

Another wonderfully insightful video! I see that I’m definitely anxious so I have a lot of work do 😮‍💨

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you! Recognizing your attachment style is a big step forward. You’ve got this, and I'm here to support you along the way! If you need more guidance feel free to reach out to me at [e-mail]

[@hspinnovators5516]

The last quarter of this video is 🔥🔥🔥🔥. So on point

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear you found the last quarter so impactful. Thanks for watching and for your awesome feedback!

[@nic5916]

This was absolutely fair. Thankyou for these insights as an anxious attached person.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad you found the insights helpful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

[@amandabennett769]

Adam! Thank you for these videos!! GAME. CHANGER. My avoidant needs the instruction manual on my anxious ass. Sharing so that he can "do the work" via listening on his ride to work.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Wow, thank you, Amanda! I'm thrilled to hear the videos are making a difference for you. Sharing with your partner is a great idea!

[@marik8624]

Again, very helpful... Also I feel called out 😂 although not entirely, but still. Thank you for helpful information how to make things easier for someone like me 👍🏻

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you! It’s great to hear you found the information helpful, even if it felt a bit personal. Growth often starts with those "called out" moments!❤ 🙌

[@K1ck1992]

I Love about your videos that they are so tightly packed with information. I cant afford the video course but I will definitaly buy your book while continuing to use your videos complementary to my therapy. I've had 2 major break throughs in my therapy so far. The first one was noticing my emotions and my physical reactions to emotions: Thats where my therapist helped me The second one was discovering your videos a few weeks back after generally learning that attatchment theory existed in january

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your kind words! I'm thrilled to hear about your breakthroughs in therapy and that my videos have been a part of your journey. I hope the book continues to support your growth. Keep up the great work!

[@starstoryteller]

Welp I am definitely anxiously attached when you talked about complementing character it got me in the feels.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I’m happy the video resonated with you. Understanding these aspects can be tough but it's a big step towards growth. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! If you need more guidance feel free to reach out to me at [e-mail]

[@TheHouseOffice]

Im all about more videos on what secure looks like. This is the huge thing.. broken attachment often has never seen secure so we dont even know what to reference as healthy

[@visponvi]

Make a video about fearful avoidants please ❤️

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for that suggestion. I will definitely keep it in mind for future content.

[@koolazian7]

Hey Adam, I was just writing this because I just discovered your channel today and it was very timely because I recently lost my relationship with my long term partner. Watching your videos helped me to reflect on how I was the anxious attachment type. I guess I was wondering if it would be possible to make more videos in regard to people with anxious attachments and how that differs between men and women and if their needs are different or its just general. I would love to know more and it makes me hopeful that I can get better!

[@psyborg3182]

This resonates with me so much from my most recent relationship

[@AttachmentAdam]

I’m glad the content resonates with you. Reflecting on relationships can be really insightful. Thanks for sharing!

[@Princesspeace888]

❤I apreciate you

[@AttachmentAdam]

I appreciate you too! Thank you for your support 🙏 ❤

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

Honestly, I will never date an anxious man again. I learned early on when I was in my teens and early 20's before I knew what attachment styles were. They lovebomb like crazy and when you don't give them what they want, they get angry and resentful. You are spot on with the anxious vitriol from many. It's exhausting. Avoidants are so much more calm and level. ❤

[@johnnydi2231]

Avoidants are awful, selfish people, in general. You'll never know where you stand with them, no matter what you do, or how hard you try. Even when they tell you, it's usually a lie, or some twisted, carefully planned out answer in order to get what they want at the moment. Whereas, an anxious person can at least be satiated and pleased. And anxious people are loyal. Which I value over any other trait. So, I disagree completely.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

​​​@@johnnydi2231 that's okay. I wasn't looking for anyone to agree with me. ❤ It really depends on the partner of an avoidant sometimes too. I started dating more secure/avoidant men when I was younger and we just vibe well together. They're very loyal and don't lie so I'm not sure what you're talking about really. Everyone has a different personality and individual moral code. Some people are just shitty, regardless of attachment style. I've had AP friends who've cheated because they need constant validation and attention. Cheating is universal...not attachment based. In the end, avoidants and I click because they're calm, respect your space and stay clear of drama and vice versa. My DA friends are always loyal friends and partners. My experience is different than yours. 🤷‍♀️ Honestly your "no matter how hard I tried" comment says a lot. Avoidants don't want all that. They just want to flow. Not everyone is a good fit for them. If anxious women are better for you to date, then maybe try dating them and not avoidants?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your perspective. It's important to recognize what works best for you in relationships. I'm glad you've found a dynamic that feels more balanced and less exhausting.

[@quietestkitten]

I'm curious if you have any thing to say about disorganized attachment style? That's the one we seem to hear the least about.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Great question! Disorganized attachment is indeed very important. I'll consider making more content on this topic. Thanks for your curiosity!

[@EyNickSee]

4:08 The way you describe an anxious attachment style sounds like me (male). It's possible when I was younger, I used to be held and gotten that tlc from my parents and certain relatives from my mom side. Then when I went to pre-school, kindergarten, was babysat at my grandpa (dad side), or when my parents would be busy at work (pull away), I felt like that lack of intimacy. I do feel i have similar features of Nice Guy Syndrome. And now I am in at a place where my partner and I broke up, still going through the breakup. I feel (based on what im learning on this channel and other sources) that she has an Avoidant attachment style. Learning a lot, thank you

[@brandonwasemiller8713]

I have a mixed attachment. With my ex wife I was extremely anxious. After she left, I did the whole "pick me" dance. Just pushes them away. Just focus on self improvement. Attraction isn't a choice. She will ALWAYS be attracted to you. Focus on you and you alone and she will see it. Honestly once I did some work (never stops), I realized she wasn't changing, I didn't want to be with her anymore. If you do this right, you'll get the chance to get back with her but if you actually do the work, you'll probably realize it was best because you probably would've never changed without her leaving. I'm in a new, much better relationship where we both try instead of one person getting tired of the other for trying too hard.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you're gaining a lot of insight into your attachment style and relationship patterns. I'm glad my videos have been helpful during this challenging time. Keep learning and take care of yourself.

[@miller5170]

I will say that the more communication and quality time and connecting the way more I do not sit around worrying about my relationship when he’s gone always doing other important things. It is a focus on whether the relationship is healthy that creates my anxiety and when I should not how I should confront it

[@AttachmentAdam]

Focusing on the health of the relationship rather than worrying can make a big difference. What specific strategies or activities have helped you improve communication and connection with your partner?

[@OlderWomenRock]

Adam that’s over exaggerated I’m anxious , last 2 partners avoidant I didn’t freak out only if they took a long time to text or didn’t call at all I can rationalise a reasonable time frame . Avoidant can trigger because they keep You at arms length

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

But if you healed your unhealed anxious attachment then you likely wouldn't feel triggered by something insignificant by a late text or call.

[@christalcicero3041]

“They only sent a 3 word answer with only a period at the end.” 😂😂😂 Laughing at myself for the times i get frustrated at this

[@AttachmentAdam]

Recognizing our reactions can be a powerful step towards change. Thanks for sharing your laughter! 😂

[@basantidevi2305]

You need a podcast for the person who is 80% secure from 20k in therapy who was literally thrown into Anxious attachment by an extreme avoidant with narcissistic adaptations who isn’t really a narcissist. A year later I’m still anxious by what he did and it’s so not me. What you describe as an anxious isn’t really me at all but maybe my anxiety now is a trauma response. I’m still devastated by what he did a year later. I honestly can’t tell if he was severe avoidant, disorganized avoidant or narcissist. We didn’t fight at all. I never felt insecure with him. One moment making love. I moved to be closer to him because he brought it up when I was laid off and then he freaked and pulled the rug. I just can’t tell what he is. But I do know I’m the only one trying to learn from this.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds like you've been through a very confusing and painful experience. Being blindsided by someone you cared about can be very traumatic, and it's understandable to develop anxiety as a result. You mentioned being 80% secure before. I encourage you to reach me through [e-mail] so we can work on getting you back there together. I'd be happy to offer guidance and actionable steps with you.

[@basantidevi2305]

@@AttachmentAdam I got your email. I’ll respond soon. Thank you.

[@temptaytion]

I really appreciate that you explain our chemical makeup and why different actions don't have the same effect on the AP and DA. You mention GABA and Melatonin. These are common over the counter supplements that anyone can purchase. Would consuming this help in times of need? I'm not trying to pill pop, just genuinely curious.

[@b.tilson5198]

I’m working on myself, trying to stop this pattern. But I feel when I control those thoughts and emotions that I feel “hardened” and less loving. The tone of my voice changes and sounds cold, even to me. I wish I could just feel secure and go on with my life!

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's great that you're working on breaking the pattern. If you need more personalized advice and resources, feel free to reach out to me through [e-mail]

[@willawirth4749]

It would be helpful to talk about how avoidants can heal their trauma. And build new neuropathways to exist in the world that’s safe and where they are free. And same for an anxious. So the archetypes in full blown -can be a part of the past and not a result unaddressed traumas . And trigger management in this process.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your insightful comment! I’ll definitely consider covering these topics in future videos. Stay tuned for more content on this important subject!

[@YWH723]

Adam, can a wife develop an anxious attachment after decades of “seemingly” secure attachment? We started healing a broken bond of trust and the tenderness of the repair time, induced that strong oxytocin bond, which had never existed between us before. The roller coaster of emotions that followed (that season where the breach of trust was being Repaired) felt (emotionally) like being tossed against the rocks of the ocean waves crashing on the cliffs. This insecurity I felt seemed new, and quite honestly terrifying. Does strong oxytocin bond equal = anxiously attached? Especially when the trust factor is still unstable following a freshly repaired wound ?

[@quietestkitten]

I would think that the loss of trust and some aspect of the relationship with absolutely change secure attachment into insecure attachment. And most of us, when we are in an insecure attachment, lean towards either anxious or avoidant.

[@deanna7725]

It seems as though maybe you don’t like this style. They make you angry

[@victerrios6509]

13:51 Avoidant is a WAY BIGGER deal. And needs to get fixed first.

[@hoboditch3093]

Anyone else find out how horrible they are? Yay🎉

[@AttachmentAdam]

First step toward positive change! 🎉🌟

[@martakeczek6476]

Another wonderful video; however, to me it's lacking some more explanation to 'why' anxious ppl think they're unloveable and 'why' complimenting their character works better than their actions. To make avoidant folks just understand a bit more what's inside of anxious attachment and what shaped it. I speak for myself, so I am aware this might be not right, but maybe it is; my family, especially mother, know almost two forms of comunication: criticizing and demanding while asking for help, mostly something they can do themselves and prefer to do so as they do it better(read: usually their way). For over 20 years, I've heard how I am dumb, naive, difficult(when I was called shy as a child), act and behave the wrong way, never heard a word of support but even disbelief in my careful decisions and most importantly- all but conditional love is what I sometimes feel is what all ppl know about love thx to my family. This really sinks in, because seeing arrogance and blindness to anything good, right and positive.... makes me afraid I'll be such a monster too. Hearing I did something makes me feel like an accessory. Hearing I am helpful, wise, sensitive and creative artist who can dive into various topics does make me feel I want to do more than just please ppl to meet their expectations and not be yelled at again....

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely, Marta! Thank you for your thoughtful comment and for sharing your personal experiences! Your insights are invaluable and appreciated.

[@lanichilds2825]

Ugh Why am I only seeing this now

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sometimes the right information comes at the perfect time. Glad you found it now!

[@kaylakayla7341]

❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you ❤ 🙌

[@marinettecachin5931]

Interesting explanation of anxious attachment style Now I would like you to make a video on how to love people who have anxious and preoccupied attachment style Due to the death of the care giver ( precisely at the age of 17 months old) when the child is learning about the diseaparence ( typos) and return of the care giver It is an other type of attachment style isn’t it ? when the care giver doesn’t return because of death. And on top of it when the child is taken away ( at 4 and a half)from the new dynamic and a seemingly coherent dynamics My experience…

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your experience. Yes, the loss of a caregiver can significantly impact attachment styles. I’ll definitely consider making such a video !

[@nana-nl7ec]

Is it possible to have both avoidant and anxious attachment style ?

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

Yes it's called a fearful avoidant or disorganized attachment.

[@MissMeina]

Do you think there’s any difference with attachment styles with same sex couples?

[@OlderWomenRock]

Adam I had a talk with my ex as to why He ghosted Me I’m anxious , assuming He is avoidant I think what it comes down to is He can’t feel deeper feelings or Love for Me He said He cares for Me but honestly His actions haven’t shown this We have strong sexual chemistry . He said in this way I have power over Him , He finds it almost impossible to resist . To The point He avoids talking to Me because His sexual desires can pull Him back Naturally I want more , I want emotional intimacy Is there any way I can get this Man to feel deeper feelings for Me ? We are both older , He is a wonderful sexual partner . I don’t want to lose that . I need more He said that at one stage He decided that no Woman was ever going to Hurt him again so He doesn’t get close But it might have been an excuse ( He can be manipulative ) He did fall in Love years ago but then out of Love , she was an alcoholic He acknowledges I want more but says He can’t give it , this includes time . We live 4 hrs apart Everyone tells Me to move on I know it’s true I deserve better

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

Honestly as an avoidant leaning woman who predominantly dates avoidants, we can kind of sense the anxiousness and it doesn't feel good or match our energy. The only way he might feel differently is if he sees you living your own life and not concentrate on solely on him.

[@Healings_808]

I’m still trying to heal this part of me. I react quickly and I regret after. I healed myself a lot but I dealt with a DA and he triggers my AP 😭😭😭😭. I don’t care for that side of me. But I know I still need to work on it. 🤦🏽‍♀️

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's great to hear you've made progress in your healing journey. It's tough dealing with triggers, but recognizing and working on them is a big step. Keep going, and be kind to yourself!🙏 ❤

[@Healings_808]

@@AttachmentAdam what if DA comes back all the time. He avoids conflict. We can go for like 1 year and then we come back. It was so in and out. I have deep feelings but the come and goes brings up my AP. Now when he pull back I pull back. Before I did most of the effort. He just tell me once let me know when I’m avail and that’s it. We’re both single parents so it makes it harder. The ball is in my court. I was in the begining but would be nice to get his efforts. I’m so blunt now that he pulls back. I even asked him what’s this in and out. Lmao I don’t like being stuck and I need growth 🤦🏽‍♀️. 🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗

[@kathleenharvey3583]

Question, what kind of attachment would a 37 year old man who says he wants to date someone he can truly connect with, a partner who lets me be carefree and innocent like a child. I’m looking for someone who can inspire me like a muse? This is his latest statement .

[@willferrellssweetnips]

Is this man a world-renowned Renaissance-era French painter by some chance?

[@willferrellssweetnips]

Is this man a world renowned Renaissance-era French painter per chance?

[@kathleenharvey3583]

?

[@loramiller7941]

How can I heal anxious attachment without a partner?

[@dvegas]

Self-improvement and focusing on things that make you happy. Develop a fulfilling life that you are at peace with. So when you meet a partner, they will be an added bonus, instead of your whole world. I made the mistake of putting my life on hold when I was at my most anxious and still do from time to time if I feel someone needs me. But what I’ve learned if the more I focus on myself, the less anxious I am with other people.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

I'm secure now, but I was a fearful avoidant (anxious and avoidant). The best thing I did was to look at things things that triggered me and trace it back to where it came from. Once I found the original source of trauma, I dealt with the pain of it and started healing. Now I am able to quietly observe my triggers in the moment and quickly recognize that it's stemming from something else, not that person in the moment. I'm also able to put a name on how it made me feel. For instance, if I'm overwhelmed with things in life because I'm missing deadlines and panicking, I recognize it as feeling unsafe. It almost calms me when I come to this conclusion because I can rationalize why I feel this way and how I can overcome it. The same can be done for relationships. A lot of our triggers with our partners come from something in our past. We have to recognize it before we put that onto our partner. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I hope it helps.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Healing anxious attachment without a partner is definitely possible. I invite you to email me at [e-mail] and we can find you the best solutions.

[@kathleenharvey3583]

How does the Peter Pan Syndrome fall in to the cracks of the attachment styles.

[@kathleenharvey3583]

?

[@vivianvennicia]

The BORG is real.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for your comment! Yes, attachment styles can feel quite powerful. Awareness is the first step to managing it.

[@victerrios6509]

12:05 Its comes from the narcissist!!! You dont see it CUZ THEY ARE NARCISSIST lying to you seeming like the sweet avoidant. These evil people will turn the sweetest person evil too.

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

This is an ouchy one

[@AttachmentAdam]

I understand-it can be tough to face these truths. Remember, growth often comes from the challenging moments!

[@user-jw1bl4hq9j]

WOMEN DO NOT HAVE TO TRY ANYTHING WITH MEN LIKE THIS 😉

[@AmberSmith-td1nb]

Why do tmhit crap in anxious people by advocate for DA s??? An anxious person is annoying, but a DA will have you in therapy with trauma

[@ashton1952]

An anxious person who is more towards the extreme end, like combined with covert NPD, can do serious emotional and psychological damage. Shows up in things like isolating and gas-lighting the partner, stalking, extreme jealousy and possessiveness, smothering to the point where the person feels like they cannot breathe, feels like being locked in a dark room and not seeing sunlight. Person feels like they're going crazy and goes into depression, stops eating properly, etc.

[@kaitlin8669]

Anxious attachments can become stalkers or very controlling. I had one imprison me in a house and wouldn't let me leave. Another one tried to blackmail me. They can become redpill and troll and attack women online. So they do come with their own dangers.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

The only people that have left me with trauma are anxious leaning men. Avoidants have a calm demeanor and are nice to date. If you start bringing too much of that anxious energy in, yes they're probably going to move away from it.

[@RubyLine]

There are extremes in every insecure attachment styles. They all can cause traumas, be abusive and manipulative. I had a severe avoidant that kept on ghosting and stonewalling me for months who came back as if nothing had happened every time, he also lied, never kept his word, manipulated me and refused to be held accountable for his actions/behaviours. Was it abusive and toxic ? Yes.

[@victerrios6509]

Why do u talk about anxious attachment like if it comes 100% from being a child??? I got it from avoidant attachment partners. Narcissistic people will do that to you... faster than your childhood.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

Avoidants aren't narcissists. You can be an anxious narcissist too. If you keep finding yourself in relationships with another unhealed attachment, then chances are you are unhealed as well. We have to take accountability too.

[@YesJellyfish]

A healthily attached person with a good self esteem would generally not fall prey to narcissists, as they would be able to recognize the red flags. So perhaps there are things from your childhood that you didn’t realize had a big effect on you?

[@quietestkitten]

I'm curious if you have any thing to say about disorganized attachment style? That's the one we seem to hear the least about.

[@ashton1952]

I'm hoping there's a series coming up about FA, after this one. Some people had asked, so probably he will

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely! I'll consider making a new video on it soon. Stay tuned!